Top Chef Reunion: Redemption Denied

Welcome back, ‘Gasmii, just this one last time before we put Top Chef Season 9 to bed for good. My name is J-Mo and I’ve been lucky and blessed to be your culinary guide through these last 63 weeks of competitions, crying and cyberbitching (the chefs’ domain has been the first two, while my domain is pretty much the last two) and you might be tempted to think that we’ve said all there is to say about this group of people. You might be right (I have to admit I’m kinda running on empty for finding funny things to say about boring plates of veggies and pasta) but I’d be willing to bet that you still have some lingering questions for the chefs. Or the judges. Or RuPaul. Well, we’re out of luck on that last one, but it’s a good thing that we have a dedicated, hard-hitting, intrepid journalist who is willing to stand up and ask the other two these kind of tough questions for us…

hiyeeeeeee

Anybody remember back in the day when Reunion Shows were the only time we got to see Bobblehead Andy Cohen on our TVs?…

anybody else wish we could go back to that?

OK, so serious interviewing is not Bobblehead’s forté, but in the last six years he sure has mastered the fine art of keeping 56 spoiled rich empty-headed bitches believing that they are universally loved and admired by the rest of America, so he’s doing something right. I wish I knew what it was, cuz he’s sitting there wearing an expensive blazer and blindingly bright veneers while I’m sitting here in my underwear with my chest hair full of popcorn kernels. Anyhow, as we begin this season’s clip-show reunion, we are reintroduced to the chefs of Top Chef Texas…

hi y’all… just remember, don’t google yourselves

But first, let’s say hello once again to our Judges, starting with Gail Simmons…

who’s resplendent in her Krystle Carrington shoulder-pads

And then there’s Daddy Tom Colicchio…

who’s busy checking out Gail’s tits

Then there’s the ever-gorgeous Padma “Scar” Lakshmi…

who’s giggly because she’s already blunted out of her mind

We can’t forget Emeril “La Gassy” LaGasse…

who’s either already bored and taking a nap
or he’s offering up another prayer of thanks that he’s not Paula Deen

And lastly, we have Hugh “Hughnibrow” (©2011 Alejandra) Acheson…

who’s clearly miffed that he’s not been seated within sight of any tits (other than La Gassy’s)

Next, we have to give up condragulations to the winnah of Top Chef Texas… Paul “TexAsian” Qui!!!…

whose socks match GroanyBooger’s unfortunate horizontally striped top

Bobblehead starts off on the inane foot by asking what it felt like to win. Just once I wish someone would answer that question with “Like I stuck my dick in a Cuisinart, how do you think it felt?” But TexAsian is way too polite for that (plus, the ink on the check may not even be dry) and he just laughs nervously and says it was a “huge release” and felt really good. Like pooping, kinda? Well, let’s watch a video of TexAsian’s journey to winning, shall we? I just love these video montages, and can you guess why?…

because they prove how much fun it is to watch someone’s hair grow

The nice thing to come out of this is TexAsian saying that he felt like he never really had made his parents proud, and seeing them so happy and emotional touched him deeply. I, too, love it when I make my parents cry. OK, so that’s not really the same thing, but I take my small victories where I can. Anyhow, Bobblehead wants to know the grand total of all of TexAsian’s winnings? “185,000.00… and a trip to Costa Rica… and a Prius.” There is an awkward silence and sour looks from faces all over those couches. Bobblehead tries to pick up the mood by asking Daddy Tom what was it that made up his mind for him?…

well, we felt he deserved it

Can you imagine? GroanyBooger would have shit herself and collapsed! Instead, Daddy says it was super-close, that BoogerWoman did a lot of things that were outside of her comfort zone, but in the end, TexAsian just gave them “a near flawless meal”.

Moving on to GroanyBooger, Bobblehead says she seemed “visibly shaken” when she lost…

and here I thought she was crying because Gail’s tacky purple sequined dress was so fug

Gee, Groany, what did that feel like? Fun? Exciting? Orgasmic? Not exactly, she says she was in shock, she just wanted it so badly and felt like she put her heart in her food… “And I told myself I wasn’t gonna cry, sorry guys…” Bobble agrees that it was an emotional thing, and with a slightly evil tone he asks her if she thinks she was robbed. With the barest of pauses, she says no. Ah, but not so fast, Groany, because you’re about to get ambushed! “Talk to me about that night… because I heard from someone in production that you actually told a judge in the heat of the moment to ‘eff off’….”

aaaand I bet I know who she’d like to have ‘eff off’ right now

Clearly caught off-guard, GroanyBooger haltingly stammers “I don’t… believe that.”…

ummm, looks like Daddy Tom sure does

Bobblehead prods her again, and she responds more firmly this time, “I did not say that.” Just as he’s getting ready to move on, she continues: “I was… really emotional… and really sad… but I don’t remember saying that… and if I said that I didn’t mean that at all… and I think it’s really shitty that it’s being brought up now!”…

GOD, Andy, why would you try to exploit a juicy detail like this in the middle of a REUNION episode??!?!?!

Oh wow, she is being just a tad naive. She should have known that production staff secrets are like crack to Bobblehead. But wait, I’m confused, which Judge are they talking about?…

let’s see if we can guess

Whoa, BoogerWoman told LA GASSY to FUCK OFF??!??! Naive and ballsy. And starting to crack, because she begins to speak haltingly in a breaking voice about La Gassy being a chef she grew up looking up to, and that she felt like for the duration of the competition he was “really pushing” her… but then she says she loves him and cries some more…

this is not awkward at all

La Gassy says he loves BoogerWoman’s food, and talks about her evolution as a chef during the competition, and blah blah blah, by the end she was trying all these amazing things that he wasn’t sure were going to work… “but, you pulled it off!“, he says…

except for that part where you still lost

BobbleHead ends the uncomfortableness by smarmily telling her how nice it must be to hear such sweet things from one of her culinary idols, and conveniently ignoring the fact that he’s the one who brought up all the awkwardness in the first place. Yay!

Time for the very first viewer question! Shady Shannon in New Orleans wants to know if the chefs were pissed off when they showed up to compete and found they had to cook their way into the top sixteen spots against 937 other people. Richie “LimpHawk” Farina (who has clearly read TVGasm, because he’s slathered about six pounds of Dippity-Do on his terrible hairstyle so it will stand up nice and erect) says that he was a “big fan” of this twist, he says he’s watched the show in the past and thinks that certain people got chosen “just for their personality“…

there was certainly no fear of that happening with Hall & Bloats here

Anyhow, he thinks this way it proved to us viewers that they all got onto the show because they could really cook. The whole tatted-up-while-wearing-a-terrible-hairstyle-and-constantly-acting-wacky thing that these two did? Was just a coincidence and in no way any kind of lame attempt to seem more interesting. Really.

Next question! Busty Bonnie from Chicago says she loves Bore-verly Kim, but she sure cries an awful lot. Is it a medical condition? Um, yeah, Bonnie, it’s called suffering from FatBitchBullyitis, and it lasted an entire month…

plus it makes you scream a lot

Bore admits she was the crybaby of the season, but feels like being in touch with her emotions only helped her put more of herself in her food. In the form of tears. But she’s not the only one who got weepy…

everybody hurts

The segment ends with GroanyBooger claiming sometimes she cries after great sex. Mental Marylou from Lafayette, LA wants Bobblehead to axe BoogerWoman why she does that. I think the post-coital tears are because the jelly donut she stuffs in her hoo-hah to entice Private Pyle to go downtown makes a big mess on the sheets. Bobblehead looks proud of himself for coining the term “teargasms”.

Shocky Shay from L.A. writes (probably in crayon) to mention how flirty Chris Scary and Jobless Grayson are on Twitter all the time, and wants to know if they are “an item”…

not if this bitch has anything to say about it

After some more stares and giggles, Jobless says no, they’re just buds who like to flirt on Twitter. Scary says something vapid back. Let’s watch a compilation of Jobless being toilet-tongued…

try to guess at which point she says “I feel like i have a dick in my ass”…

Gurrrrl, I know the feeling. Anyhow, she ends it with the Little Green Frog song and back in the studio is telling Bobblehead that there is a lot of profanity in the kitchen…

this is mild

Next up, Bobblehead claims the Top 16 of Season 9 are some of the mostest talentededest of all times to ever be on our televisionsies, and they even managed to come up with a “new spin-off” for the show…

oh sure, Magical Elves, now you come up with a clever name for Season Seven

This idea was apparently the brainchild of Ninja Eddie during one of the sixty-three road-trips they took in their Cloyota Piennas this season, and they even got Scar to do some voiceover work for this parody, calling it a “not-so-prestigious competition” and saying they’d put the chefs through “24 fairly easy challenges”. This is actually one of the few clever editing jobs they’ve ever had in one of these reunions as they intercut footage of the Judges saying the food was underwhelming or middle-of-the-road… followed by the chefs looking pleased and getting excited and thanking them… then, when the Judges say they’ve gotten an exceptional meal, the chefs apologize. Winner gets a $125.00 gift card…

and their own MySpace page

Another question! Hefty Hillary in NYC wants to know why the judges were so hard on the chefs this season? Daddy Tom says it’s because they were cranky from it being 115 degrees all the time. Um, yeah, if any of those five spent a second more than five minutes outside of an air-conditioned Star Waggon the entire time they were in Texas, I’d eat a June bug. But we don’t have those down here in Arizona, so I’ll have to substitute a delicious Twix bar, instead. Gail says the challenges they gave the chefs were way more harsh than they’ve ever been in the past, too.

Now it’s time for Bobblehead to remind everyone about the super-super-secret competition that was going on “behind the scenes”… namely, Redemption Kitchen…

where we’re expected to believe that this happened of it’s own accord

We get a quick flashback of BaldBear’s win, BlackBear’s 2 wins, Cocky Chewy’s win, What’sherface’s win, Divot Diva Nyesha’s four wins… followed by Bore-verly arriving, having nobody rooting for her, and still pulling out 3 wins and re-entering the competition… and according to Jobless Grayson, Bore managed to “completely mind-fuck” the other remaining contestants…

and this was her “o”-face while she did it

Bobblehead condragulates her once again on being the winnah of Redemption Kitchen, then reads a question from Seriously-In-Need-Of-A-Fucking-Life Sarah, who says “In Last Chance Kitchen, Nyesha got screwed because Tom had the two chefs exchange ingrediences! NOT FAIR! I’m actually depressed about it!”…

yeah, I think someone else started on Zoloft around that time, too

Daddy Tom admits that there were a lot of comments about Divot Diva ending up with a bunch of Asian ingrediences… but Bore also got a bunch of stuff that she wasn’t used to cooking, either. Then he asks the two of them if they think it was fair. Bore remains prudently silent (good girl!) and lets Divot Diva haltingly (and half-heartedly) agree that it was sorta fair, but she also admits that the changeover really threw her game off. Question! Halitosis Hailey from a remote area of Chicago wants to know if the chefs think it was fair that the winner of Redemption Kitchen got to come back into the competition? BlackBear wants to take that one… he says it was awesome to have the chance to come back…

‘specially after bitches started drivin’ buses and hittin‘ people

Bore-verly says she believed it was also great for everyone to have a second chance, pointing out you can have one bad day and get eliminated, this competition made up for that a little bit. Naturally, Ninja Eddie wants to go on record as not liking Redemption Kitchen because he’s the one that went home after Bore returned. Um, hate to say this, but that’s still your own fault, Eddie, because of three simple little words…

canned oysters, DUH

Now Bobblehead wants to talk about the scandalous photos that are “burning up the internet” and we get to see this again…

ho-hum

Ty-Böre pretends to be embarrassed, but you can tell he’s got a boner over the attention, and he jokes that he had to submit these butt-shots with his application for an apartment in Brooklyn. He goes on to laughably claim there’s “nothing overtly sexual” in the “intent” of the photos… except for the four inches of hairy ass-crack and the come-hither stare and the prison-sagging longjohns. He further claims that they were part of his “coming-out process”. Say fucking WHAT??!??!...

oh this helps further gay acceptance

Cool, it’s good to let younger gay kids out there know that someday they’ll get to do a soft-core shoot that they can then plop down in front of their conservative parents as a means of saying “Guess what?… I’m gay!”. Thank you, Ty-Böre, your high-minded example has given hope to a new generation. To make this even sillier, Bobblehead claims they have an email from “Tom Colicchio” (ha-ha) in NYC asking if Ty-Böre is a “bear”? Of course this triggers Daddy Tom’s gay-panic issues and he frantically disavows that he actually would have written such an email…

besides, he’s already well-aware of what a bear is…
they’ve all been wanting to fuck him for years

Anyhow, Ty-Böre milks this question for all it’s worth, batting his eyes and coquettishly acting like someone asked him something interesting (like how big his dick is) or something important (like if he has gotten rid of the crabs yet) instead of something lame that we can see for ourselves (like if he’s big and burly and furry). For the record, he’s furry, but not big or burly, so in my book he isn’t really a bear…

and having a giant Amish beard doesn’t count, either

Moving right along, Sex Starved Sue from Green Bay, Wisconsin wants to know if Chris Scary is in love with himself. Other questions Sue is dying to know the answer to: Is molten lava hot? Is crystal-meth bad for you? Is Tyler Perry gay? Before we answer any of these, let’s watch a montage of Scary talking about how afraid he is of returning to his former fatness, and then see some pictures of “ugly” Chris…

let’s be fair, bangs are awful on everyone

This is followed by Scary proclaiming himself to be single and pretending like he wants to have the Magical Elves publish his phone number…

much to the disappointment of Stalker Sheila D. from Louisville, Kentucky

After the endless mirth that has been showered upon us all thanks to this segment, Bobblehead gets serious again and asks if Scary is still single… aaand I no longer care, so let’s move on and watch another montage, this time it’s one of people getting cut up and burnt and fainting and having heatstroke…

or… coldstroke?

And speaking of GroanyBooger’s bout with heatstroke at the Extreme Barbecuing Challenge, Janky Jamie wants to know why was Ninja Eddie being such a dick about it, it totally wasn’t her fault! At least not the first time, anyhow. Ninja plays it smart, and instead of trying to blame exhaustion, he owns his shit and admits he was a dick…

and BoogerWoman agrees

Next question! Scandalous Sam from Eugene, Oregon wants to know if Chris “Penis-Hair” Jones is really as nuts as he seems on the show?…

…or is he just affected and trying way too hard?

I maintain that you cannot call yourself a “Trekkie” and yet not know how to pronounce “Kobayashi Maru”. Especially when you work for Japanese people! Anyhow, after his wacky montage, Scar mentions that Penis-Hair was featured in the New York Times because of his terrible hair. He still claims that he grows it out in order to donate it to Locks Of Love, which is sweet and all, but it doesn’t explain why he insists on wearing it in such a terrible style all the time. I think I can answer that question…

this guy is totally heterosexual

Another question! Dumbshit Dave from Boise, Idaho wants to know if it’s at all hard for the chefs to watch themselves on TV. I’m gonna guess that douches like Cocky Chewy, Ty-Böre and Chris Scary don’t have any problem with it, but Mousy Lindsay Autry says it’s downright awful for her, and that she’s pretty much become a Wednesday Night akamaholic who tries to be blotto by the time the QuickFire Challenge is over with…

matter of fact, she’s drunk right now

Then again, Mousy does have a few reasons to want to hide from her TV self, which is a perfect lead-in to the next segment. Bobblehead says that ninety percent of the viewer questions they got had to do with Bore-verly and the shitty way she was treated this season. Cue the flashback montage, which starts out innocently enough, showing Bore describing how she’s the sole breadwinner in her household, and putting up her annoying little affirmation notes on the mirror… followed by her quirky behavior, clumsy supermarket jaunts, and terrible skiing falls…

and then things take a darker turn

Yes, that’s Bore sniffing her own panties… but you can see why in the next segments, because I would have shit myself if I’d had to put up with so much fuckery on the part of so many people…

especially the big scary one with the huh-yooge mouth

The video finishes and we come back to a quiet studio. Bobblehead, always going for the dead-obvious, wants to know if it is emotional for Bore-verly to watch that. She says kinda, there were times when she wishes she had been “heard more”… but it made her feel good to see that some people stuck up for her and said good things about her… such as Jobless Grayson…

… aaaaand … Jobless Grayson

Daddy Tom wants to know if Bore’s family supported her choice to become a chef. Bore says her family is a pretty traditional Korean one, their culture “celebrates sons” (sorry, fallopian-bearers) and continues that her dad once told her if she had been his son and tried to go to culinary school, he’d have kicked her ass… the implication being that they didn’t care as much what she did because she’s missing that all-important Y-chromosome. She quickly says her dad is proud of her now, especially since she’s been mentioned in the Korean Beacon…

and I pushed Kim Jong-Il out of the headlines!

Bratty Ben from Little Rock, Arkansas wants to know why the women were so awful to Bore, especially during Restaurant Wars? BobbleHead points out Mousy was on Bore’s team, why does she think they were all so Lordette Of The Flies with this girl? Mousy claims a lot of it came from them having been awake for 40 hours due to the prior challenge (Extreme BBQ) and says that sometimes in a restaurant you can “go off the handle a little bit” because you can’t figure out “how else to get people to react” to your sense of urgency…

and Ah would have bitch-slapped her extra hard if Ah thought it’d get her t’stop fucking up m’dish

GroanyBooger is nodding emphatically, mostly because this is a very plausible excuse that I’m still not buying. Bobblehead asks if anybody has apologized to Bore for any of the shit they talked during the season. Bore says Mousy called her and apologized, and GroanyBooger mea culpa’ed in Whistler because she didn’t want to hurt anybody. Bore says she appreciated the apologies, because she felt like she wasn’t always treated fairly. She goes on to say she respects all the other chefs and their opinions, but when they attacked her personally it did hurt…

someone’s being awful quiet

Bobblehead wants her to clarify exactly what she thought crossed the line, and she replies it was when her work ethic was questioned. She felt it was damaging to her image as a chef to be attacked on those grounds on national TV. She has a good point there. She has also not mentioned anybody by name, so of course Bobblehead has to prod for who said such terrible things (as if he doesn’t already know). Bore still refuses to take the bait and just says “Well…. it was said.”

Daddy Tom jumps in at this point to say that it was, in fact, Hag Heather at Judges’ Table, and continues that they were very surprised at her behavior, “We’ve never seen someone on the same team actually go after someone like that!”…

this was like watching Brendon and Rachel on The Amazing Race!

We get a flashback to the Judges’ Table conversation in question where Hag brought up the prior week’s challenge and accused Bore of spending two full days (forty-eight little hours) doing nothing but rearranging shrimp shells, when she should have followed Hag’s example, finished her cake dish on the first day, and then spent the rest of the time being Bossy McBitchyCunt and micromanaging everyone else. Hey, it worked, Hag was rewarded with a tiny little car!

Hag finally speaks and says that it was not the right thing to do, and claims it was never her intention to grind Bore up underneath the Public Transit Vehicle…

I was just trying to help her with time-management!

She admits it was a dumb thing to do… but sometimes she felt that Bore didn’t trust herself and that she would ask too many questions, “We’re all executive chefs, and there probably could have been more of a… more of an effort!”…

guess who’s making an effort not to leap over BlackBear and Cocky Chewy and throttle a bitch?

Jobless Grayson clearly disagrees, but lets Bore give her own rebuttal… She insists she was not slow in the kitchen, to perfectly peel, devein and butterfly 400 shrimp would take some time for anyone… and for the first time Bore-verly asserts that she was helping other people with other things as well…

so suck it, Chubellla DeVil

Here comes Bobblehead Andy’s big moment! Of Hag Heather he asks, “Do you think that you owe Bev an apology for the work-ethic comment?”…

ummmm, you better go to commercial

After plugging the new Jeff Lewis show, we return and Hag’s answer is: “I do not think I owe Bev an apology for the work-ethic comment, because at that time that’s really how I felt! Everything that I’ve ever said has been very truthful!” Um, hold up, wait a minute, let’s stop right here for a moment… I really love it when people (like Hag) say shitty stuff about other people (like Bore), not based entirely on fact, but solely on their perceptions and personal feelings of dislike… and then turn around and claim they speak nothing but the truth, so help them Gawd. It’s the easiest cop-out on the planet, “I can say whatever I want with total impunity, no matter how awful, because those were my feelings at the time, therefore they are the truth, so no apology necessary.”

To illustrate my point: there were eleven other chefs involved in that terrible Cattle Baron’s Ball Challenge, there’s no way Hag babysat all of them to know exactly what they did over the course of two days, how is she so certain that in her role of self-appointed master chef she had a true picture of the amount of effort that Bore put in compared to everyone else? And what difference did it make in the end anyhow? It was Divot Diva, Ty-Böre, Whatsherface and Scary’s dish that sucked the worst because they fucked up the steak’n'taters so badly, that was not Bore’s fault. And why bring it up at the next challenge except out of sheer spite? No, if you’re going to try to weasel out of your shitty behavior by hiding behind the Truth Flag, then own your bullshit and admit that you did what you did (and said what you said) because Bore-verly annoyed you and got on your nerves, and you just didn’t fucking like her very much, and that’s the real reason why you went for a character assassination and now refuse to apologize to her… so kiss my ass…

and while you’re at it… fuck you

Jobless Grayson is on the J-Mo Train, and says she personally feels like Hag crossed the line when she questioned Bore’s work-ethic. Hag claims it’s not “crossing the line” if that’s her opinion…

oh, now it’s an opinion and not the gospel truth?… fuck you twice

and a third time on behalf of Jobless here

Daddy Tom jumps in at this point to say he doesn’t believe Hag said all those awful things to make Bore feel bad on purpose (???) and Jobless fires back that she felt like Hag did bully Bore that night. Bore herself breaks in at this point to tell Hag that what happened was hurtful, but she’s at peace with it and feels like she earned everyone’s respect in the end. Then Gail Simmons pipes up to say “I don’t think many people would handle what you were put through and those emotions with as much grace as you did.”…

so pay no attention to that sweaty pile of anger sitting behind you

Wow, that was heavy. Let’s lighten it up a little by showing a montage of everybody else being bitchy to each other… Mousy vs. a waitress, GroanyBooger vs. Ty-Böre, Mousy vs. GroanyBooger, Mousy vs. BlackBear, Chris Scary vs. GroanyBooger, GroanyBooger vs. Ninja Eddie, GroanyBooger vs. Jobless, and the best fight of all…

namely, Hag vs. Jobless

Most of the last part is Hag just being a hag and disavowing that she’s obnoxious. Bobblehead says that Hag, GroanyBooger and Mousy have “taken heat online” for their ruthless attitudes, is that just how they are in the kitchen? Would their co-workers feel the same way? GroanyBooger says she is really big on mentoring others and that her team at Spiaggia has hardly any turnover. She found it tough to watch herself on the show, she didn’t want her family to see her acting like a mean girl, because that’s not who she is… but in the kitchen sometimes things just have to get done…

and maybe sometimes you have to accidentally put someone’s head through a wall in the process

Wow, that’s amazing, I have to give up a little grudging respect to GroanyBooger for having the guts to own up and say out loud that she regrets it if people saw her as a bully.

How about you, Hag? Here’s another chance at redemption being handed to you. Will you take it? Instead, Hag chooses to refer us to talk to her buddy Ty-Böre, who loudly proclaims that in the three years he worked for her, her “direct and hands-on nature” molded him into being the chef that he is today…

which is the guy that dries everything out

He also claims that she taught him a level of professionalism that he never had before, which would explain a lot of the shitty stuff that he’s said this season, especially during Last Chance Kitchen. And none of this is really answering the question of whether or not Hag is a ruthless bullying bitch (unless that’s what that whole “direct and hands-on nature” comment was about). At this point Scar jumps in to insist that Ty-Böre tell the truth, Hag bullied him into having those awful pictures taken, right? Ha ha ha, but Bobblehead is actually doing his job for a change and insists on a direct answer from her, does she think she came off as a bully?…

guess those thunk-thunk noises we just heard were Bobblehead’s balls finally dropping?

Hag’s answer is that she stands by her vile personality and she said all of those horrible things we saw on the show. At least she isn’t blaming the ubiquitous “bitch edit” like everyone else does. Bobblehead says he knows that things got really hairy for her online, what was that like? Hag says people sent letters and made phone calls and wrote cutting yet bitingly funny recaps she even got death threats…

and I am loving all the attention!

OK, that I don’t like, death threats are not cool, it’s just a reality tv show, there’s no need for violence… not when you can animate fire coming out of someone’s mouth, or a karmic wheel of justice crushing them (or even just frame-by-frame a video until you find the absolute worst facial expression someone could possibly ever have and then screen-shot it). It’s too bad someone sank to that level.

Let’s move on! Remember when Mousy got all up in BlackBear’s ass about buying pre-cooked shrimp?…

well he sure does

In hindsight, could she have handled it a different way? She says they had never even said more than “hello” to each other and suddenly they were on a team of 8 people with no clue what they were doing. Which doesn’t really answer the question. Bobblehead wants to know if BlackBear feels like he got eliminated over those awful shrimp. He says no, he took the fall for the terrible dish he created. “I think the shrimp was just that… fart in the air… I kept trying to move around that, but somehow it just kept funkin’ up the thing…”

ah, fart jokes, you always know how to break the tension

Now that everyone is giggling again, let’s watch another montage of the chefs being wacky and crazy… which starts with Ty-Böre screaming that a trucker on the road is being a dick to him and flipping the guy off out the window…

let me guess: he learned this from Hag, too?

Yeah, it’s basically another commercial for the stupid Cloyota Pienna minivans. SO GLAD WE DON’T HAVE TO SEE THIS SHIT ANY MORE. Let’s wrap this up. Nasty Nicole wants to know if the chefs feel the girls had an advantage during Restaurant Wars because they got to see what the guys did wrong the night before? Jobless Grayson says they didn’t have time to do anything more than what we saw in the show, and GroanyBooger says once you’ve bought ingrediences, you’ve bought your ingrediences and you’re kinda stuck with them. She also concedes that perhaps the boys were more tired because they had had no rest time from the BBQ challenge.

Hey, remember that cute and sweet little Chinese-Filipino guy who won this season? We haven’t heard from TexAsian for the last 42 minutes (mostly because the ringing in our ears hasn’t stopped yet) and Bobblehead wants to know about the opportunity that he and Jobless were given to cook for First Lady Michelle Obama. He says it was in support of her initiative to fight childhood obesity…

a fight that clearly needs some stepping up

hope Jobless taught the kids that “jam out with your clam out” thing

and we’ll be catching sight of the First Clam if that skirt gets any tighter

Oh, you know who else was there? Bitter Jen from Season Six, Spike EvangelAss from Season Four, FahBeeOh from Season Five, and BlazeHawk from Seasons Four and Eight! They all look exactly the same, so I’m not posting any pictures of them.

Back in the studio again, Blotto Brooke from Chicago wants to know what La Gassy’s favorite and least favorite parts of his judging job are…

when people tell me to “Eff off.”

KIDDING! Of course he says he hates sending people home, but loves eating the food. Snore. Hughnibrow says Top Chef Masters was easy compared to what these chefs were put through, this competition was way more grueling. Next, Chlamydia Courtney from Chapel Hill, NC wants Daddy Tom to tell if Gail Simmons is really that nicey-nice all the time, or does she ever blow her top? No, of course not, she’s practically perfect in every way. Cue the not-quite-as-clever montage in which they intercut footage of Gail laughing and giggling and yawning and being sassy with scenes of the chefs crying and being eliminated…

yeah, I hate filler, too

Even better, Gail has a book to plug! Go look it up on Amazon if you wanna buy it, I’m not gonna help her out there, because I am fucking exhausted. What’s left to say? Well, Bobblehead has a game called “Would You Rather?” Hag, would you rather make out with Bore, or cook Asian food for the rest of your life?…

murder me now, please

KIDDING! She chooses making out with Bore. Bluh. Moving on to GroanyBooger, would you rather be in Texas or Italy? DUH, Italy. Chris Scary, would you rather be a porn star or an action hero? I would have said both, but I have an imagination, and Scary chooses action hero. Zzzzzz. Because Bobblehead is clearly in the throes of major hotsy-totsies for Chris Scary, they used his creepy porn obsession as the inspiration for this year’s Season 9 T-Shirt…

we like to call the theme of this shirt “seppuku”

Yeah, I don’t get it either, Bobblehead says it’s supposed to be a “body part”… boobs, maybe? I dunno, all I do know is…

they will never top my Season One T-Shirt

When we come back, Bobblehead wants to finish off with the annual blooper reel of Judges Out-takes… and here’s the best and only part you need to see…

you will note that the queen does not lose his pageant stance in the face of danger

Oh, and there were some penis-jokes and Scar pretending to hit on FuggoCharlize. Finally, Last-Up Linda from Pleasant Hill, CA says Hughnibrow is sexy, but why won’t he tweeeeeeeze? DUH, he’s going to do it for charity, where have you been Linda? Now, just before we sign off, Bobblehead wants to know who the chefs think is going to win Fan Favorite? Well, if none of them have ever seen a computer before, they might guess someone other than Chris Scary (who BobbleHead says has been actually campaigning for it) so I caught WWHL and guess who the guest bartender just happened to be???!?!…

good gosh, why am I here?

In the end, Martha Stewart got to read the name of the winner…

and she was just as underwhelmed over the outcome as the rest of us

And there you have it, folks! Season 9 is officially in the can! What did you think of this reunion? Did you feel like GroanyBooger managed to humanize herself? Do you believe she told La Gassy to go fuck himself? Was Hag wrong for refusing to apologize, or do you think she was right to stand by her nastiness? How do you think Mousy came off? And was Bore way cooler than you expected, or did she still annoy you? Are you sad we never heard anything from Cocky Chewy or Whatsherface? Are you hoping we never hear anything ever again from Ty-Böre? I know I am, LOL.

One last time, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU ‘GASMII for being so kind and taking time out of your busy days to avoid work by reading my bitchy bullshit, your comments are the crack that I can’t live without. I have had a GREAT time this season, and appreciate everybody who was involved with the show. Special thanks to Flipit for keeping me calm when I thought the site (and all of our hard work) had gone to data heaven. I will be back again soon with more fun stuff in the coming weeks, but will be taking a break from any regular show recapping until Top Chef returns, most likely later this year. Oh, and one more thing…

Chica likes to play kissy-smoochies with daddy

but Chunky says I need an Altoid or two

love, J-Mo
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