Top Chef Reunion: Yup, Season Seven Sucked

Hi friends. Well, here we are once again, back together as only the ‘Gasmii can be, ready to reminisce about all the fun and interesting things that happened in this lovely season of Top Chef where the challenges were imaginative and exciting, the competition was close, talent reigned supreme and most importantly, the best chef won…

I know, right? welcome back to the awful reality

Ok, so that’s what I would have written, if any of that stuff had actually happened. Instead, we got petty bitchy drama, lazy and lame challenges, and missing peas…

and you, madam, have a lot to answer for

Well, let’s kick it off and kick some ass. Miss Andy starts by introducing the judges to everybody…

and we can immediately tell (based on the billowy blouse) that Scar’s desperately holding it in, while Le Rippert clearly isn’t bothering

Then the Bobblehead introduces the cheftestants, most of whom have gotten a makeover, except for BeakerDreads John…

who at least busted out his formal doo-rag for this special occasion

Klassy. And even klassier, Miss Andy says they’re not going to reveal Fan Favorite tonight, because that way he can reveal it during (and give a shameless plug for) his own show on the following night, Watch Me Ass-Kiss Live. I won’t make you guys wait that long, but I’m not telling until the end of the recap, K? And if you click over to the last page to find out right now, I will know and I will be very upset and there won’t be any kitty pictures. I mean it.

So let’s get my least favorite part of the show over, Miss Andy insists on congratulating the “winner” of Season Seven, Kevin Sbraga, a.k.a. JerseyMoobs…

who wouldn’t look so smug if he heard us adding “by default” to that quote

Bobblehead wants to know exactly how surprised JerseyMoobs was when Scar called his name last week. OMG, you guys, he was VERY surprised because he knew that it was really all Li’l Volt’s doing wasn’t sure she really said he won! He mentions how confident he felt, but also brings up how he had felt confident before and wound up in the bottom almost going home. Five separate times. More than a third of the season. But yeah, he was confident…

Miss Tamesha is confident she’d like to put her foot in his ass

Miss Andy moves on to trying to poke OranJello, insisting that he must have been surprised that BitchTits won, right? Sorry, Andy, The Citrus One isn’t really a dickbag, as much as your editors tried to make him one. He says Moobsie cooked a better meal that day, he did a great job and he gives him props…

sorry haters, he’s not falling for an easy gambit like that

Being denied his drama fix, Andy asks Daddy Tom what it really came down to, and naturally Daddy says it was always about the food, and they just felt that JerseyMoobs’ dishes were better. Miss Andy brings up the “conspiracy theorists” who say that having Li’l Volt for a sous chef had to have helped push him over the edge to the win. I prefer to think of us as “truth acknowledgers” rather than “conspiracy theorists”…

and I suspect MassholEd is one of us as well

Anyhow, JerseyMoobs says a bunch of stuff about how happy he was to see Li’l Volt there, and how they had an instant connection, and blah blah blah, but he doesn’t really address the issue, so Miss Andy states it in plainer, simpler language that Moobs can understand: “Do you think you could have won without him?” Finally backed into a corner, Moobsie says he could have won with Li’l Volt or Dung, because he’s “worked with” both of them before.

OK, two things: I’m with commenter vallegirl, who cleverly theorized that most likely JerseyMoobs was nobbut a line cook when he “worked with” Li’l Volt and Dung, who were most likely in much higher stations, such as Executive and Sous Chef… and secondly, what he just said pretty much confirms to me that he’s admitting he could not have won on his own merit. A real Top Chef would have said it didn’t really matter who his sous chef was.

Of course, this leaves a convenient out for MassholEd, and Bobblehead wants to know next if he was disappointed he got stuck with Illyawn. After hemming and hawing for a moment, MassholEd admits it, yes, he was disappointed, and cue the first montage of the two of them bickering like an old gay couple. Afterwards, Andy wants to know if he thought Illyawn hurt his chances of winning. MassholEd says no, and Gail Simmons breaks in with “Let’s be clear, Ilan Hall can cook! I mean, we’re all like bagging on him, here, but he also won, too, lest we forget!” She’s right, but it’s fun to bag on Illyawn, and although I won’t stop, I will acknowledge that yes, he did win Season Two, and more importantly, prevented Turkeyhair from becoming an even bigger douchebag.

In any case, just when we were feeling awake and alert again, it’s time to show JerseyMoobs’ wack-ass journey to becoming Top Chef. It is filled with all of his really professional behavior, such as his tantrums, his screaming and yelling and swearing, his throwing shit around, his being a dick to OranJello (who kindly calls him “the Salvador Dali of presentations” which certainly is nicer than the artist I would have chosen, which would have been Jackson Pollock). I’m sorry, but this guy just comes off like a less-talented yet lucky asshole…

and I do not feel the least bit sorry for him that he is being scared by Big-Haired Andrea’s mane

With any other Top Chef they have always had a collection of several wins to put into this montage, but since JerseyMoobs only won one Elimination Challenge, that’s all they can show. Plus, of course, him praying on camera and telling us all that he wants to win in order to “take care” of his family. Normally I would have thought his having an Executive Chef position would have been plenty to keep his wife and 2 kids housed, fed and clothed, but then again, he does come from Jersey…

and he’s gonna need a lot of extra cash to keep up with this level of tacky

Dressing your baby like a shower loofah is not cute, it’s just sad (even if it is convenient when they make a poopie). Anyways, Bobblehead wants to know what JerseyMoobs is gonna do with the money (assuming he hasn’t had to give 4/5ths of it back due to his being a big blabbermouth and allegedly leaking that he won) and he says he wants to open his own restaurant (I’ve read he wants it to be “very high-end”) and buy a bigger house (zzzzzzz). I dunno that he can do both, $25,000 doesn’t go as far as it used to. Maybe he can borrow some cash from OranJello.

Speaking of which, Miss Andy decides to take another stab at The Citrus One, saying with his extensive experience in Asian cooking, and the finale being in Asia, he must have thought he was going to win, so what happened? Well, duh, Andy, I guess you had your head shoved so far up Teresa Jew-Dice’s twat that you didn’t see the actual show? He got sick! But The Citrus One doesn’t even bring that up, he just repeats that Moobsie did a better job, he cooked his heart out that day and OranJello respects him for that. Then Andy brings up his being ill and asks “how heartbroken” he was that he lost. All OranJello says is that if he had written the story, he never would have had it turn out the way that it did, and takes time out to thank Dung for helping him and fighting so hard for him…

sorry, but this guy just plain rocks (even in a fugly shirt)

He must have gone shopping with Gail at some point. In any case, it’s time to address the giant elephantic Alpha-Dawg in the room… KennEgo. Bobblehead brings up how he made one of the judges favorite meals and then got bumped off during Restaurant Wars, and wants to know how much of a shock that was. Well, Andy, it was a huge shock, and KennEgo makes sure to say how impressed he was with EVOO’s dishes in that challenge, mentioning how ChesTiffany, MassholEd and OranJello really “put their heart and soul into the food” and he says it just didn’t go his way. They cut to Nosferatu, who looks completely unfazed that he wasn’t mentioned, because, well, he outlasted KennEgo…

a fact which still chaps his not-inconsiderable ass to this day

I think this was also KennEgo’s passive-aggressive way of repeating his bullshit assertion that EVOO should not have won Restaurant Wars because Nosferatu didn’t physically cook his own dish. *sniff-sniff* Yup, that’s still bullshit. Miss Andy asks the Judges if they were surprised, and Daddy Tom just says it can happen to anybody, I’m just glad it happened to KennEgo.

Time for a scintillating viewer question! Lauren LotToLove from Providence, RI wants to know why Daddy Tom seems to be getting grumpier with each season. Poor Lauren, if she were a TVGasm reader she’d know the answer to that question already: S-S-S. Color me shocked when Daddy actually admits he was grumpy because the food in the early part of the season “didn’t measure up”. He says the payoff for taking off from your family for a month to shoot this show is supposed to be good food, and when that payoff doesn’t come, you get pissed. Amen.

Another hard-hitting question! Susan Slutoya from Manhattan wants to know how Erique Le Rippert got sooooo good looking…

um, ok

Thanks, Susan, you just busted the Lame Question Cherry™ of this reunion. To be fair, Erique sez hee haz heer zees commaiynt zumtimez, an hee do nod understan eet, ezpayzhallee whayn eet doze no hailp yoo een zee keetchayn. Much to Season Five Top Chef Hoser’s relief.

BobbleHead moves on to ChesTiffany and brings up how close she came to going to Singapore, but it seemed like all the food was really good in that space challenge and the judges had to be really nitpicky about stuff…

trust, Andy, she remembers

He wants to know how painful that was for her. She should have grabbed one of his balls and twisted it several times to demonstrate, but instead she just says she was very emotional, but that she learned from her mistakes and is grateful to have had the chance to compete on the show. Then BobbleHead brings up the fact that she got married to her fiancé (Tiff does a cute little Color Purple riff, saying “I’s married now!” while waving her newly beringed hand around) and GayNold was actually there to take video of it…

which he does with all the artistry and finesse of a Girls Gone Wild DVD

KIDDING! It was more like an Xtube video. Anyhow, ChesTiffany says she and the new hubby are going to take the prize trip to Paris sometime next year. This is a perfect segue into talking about her boyfriend in the house, MassholEd…

who just sits there, oozing his own special brand of double-chinned hotness

Three words, Ed: grow a goatee. Anyhow, this is their chance to show the montage of the two of them flirting it up all over the place in the Bilious Brownstone, the kitchen, Judges’ Table, culminating in this steamy exchange in the Stew Room…

ew, try someone else

Everyone’s giggling, and MassholEd’s mumbling that his girlfriend’s not gonna be happy about that little situation. Gee, I guess someone forgot to explain to him that when you see a little red light on the front of the camera, it’s recording. Daddy Tom laughs that she’s gonna be his ex-girlfriend. Ha ha. Miss Andy looks supremely satisfied that she’s finally made someone uncomfortable. Let’s go to commercial…

ahhh, I love to pee in the shower, too!

Miss Stacie looks tired… alienating an entire minority group is exhausting work

perhaps this rain of Shug Avery pee will help alleviate those huge eye bags of hers?

Anyhow, we’re back, and Bobblehead says D.C. is known for hypocritical bigots on reality TV politicians who “pass the buck”, but Season Seven chefs play “the blame game” better than Bush ever did, which leads directly into a montage of these assholes lying to each other and saying that their respective dishes taste great, but then turning around at Judges’ Table and claiming the exact opposite when prodded by Daddy Tom, Gail or Scar. The best example of this is the whole round-robin that went down during the school lunch episode that involved ShortyPants, Bloody Mandy, MassholEd, KennEgo, Jesus, God and Oprah.

Um, perhaps someone should explain to Miss Andy that this whole segment wasn’t about “blaming other people” as much as it was about “lying to another chef so they’ll fuck up and get sent home before you”, and it just illustrates exactly what was wrong with this entire season’s worth of chefs. In any case, the montage ends on the now-famous Let’s-Buy-Booze-To-Make-School-Lunch-With incident that involved Bloody Mandy and giant gallon of cooking sherry. BobbleHead says they got 4,928,716¾ emails asking why Bloody Mandy used cooking sherry in a dish for kids. Her brilliant response (and let’s keep in mind, she’s had plenty of time to think about this) is that she doesn’t really have an explanation for why she did it, sometimes you just do weird things when you’re on reality TV…

“I mean, I liked to get drunk as an 8th grader, doesn’t everybody?”

I suspect she’s drunk right now, especially when she makes a point of saying that “for the record” the sherry wasn’t expensive, it was only, like, 3 bucks. Gail’s like, “I don’t think the price was the issue!” Daddy Tom asks Bloody Mandy who she was cooking for and she slurs “Kidsh! Yeah, an’ they were verry loud when we were there, bytheway…”…

and now Miss Tamesha looks like she has found the place to put her other foot

Miss Andy moves on to the Battle Of The Gays between Instructor LynnBian and GayNold, saying they were “not on the same page at all” during the pairs challenge. LynnBian claims that they were never really angry at each other, but Miss Andy’s like, uh, don’t even try it, bitch, I was totally there that day and you two were piss and clawing at each other the whole time. GayNold tries to defuse, insisting they weren’t angry at each other but just frustrated with “the situation” and says he doesn’t think they went home for a bad dish. HUH??!? Oh, ok, you guys must have gotten sent home because you were just too good, right? Le Rippert can’t believe he said that either, and speaks up, “Bud zee paztah waz raw.” GayNold starts getting defensive, “Yeah, I know it was raw, let’s bring that back up!”…

well, maybe they wouldn’t if you weren’t sitting there lying about everything, girlfriend

GayNold loses some ground with me in this episode, but I must applaud him for his having the balls to sit there and try to tell us everything we saw for ourselves wasn’t real and didn’t happen the way it happened. But let’s face it, girl, y’all fucked up and you got booted in Episode 4 because of it.

Next, Bobblehead wants to bring up the whole Big-Haired Andrea vs. Michelle Bernstein feud, asking her if she thinks Bernie was able to be impartial when it came to judging her food? Andrea gets all vague, saying she doesn’t really wanna “go there”. I was expecting her to tell Andy to “talk to the hand” next, but instead she says a lot of people have had opinions on it, “and let’s just say I like their opinions.” Ah, ok, so the answer is no, there was no impartiality, Big-Hair thinks Bernie hosed her. Daddy Tom says that she was as uncomfortable as Andrea was, and Scar claims Bernie went out of her way to be as fair as possible. Daddy Tom thinks there’s some history there, and Scar wonders if maybe they shared a boyfriend or something…

hahaha, spoken like a true homewrecker

Big-Haired Andrea then makes the lamest and most scripted joke of this entire affair when she says “You know, I’ll tell you what it was… a long time ago Michelle stole my pea purée, and I couldn’t get past it.” Hardy-har-har, what an incredibly apropos and timely joke, because it’s a perfect segue allowing Bobblehead to tell Nosferatu the number one question of the season was “Did you really steal Ed’s pea purée?” Cue the montage of The Incident. I ain’t recapping that shit, cuz I already did…

I must say that I love how it ends with this particular cat-got-into-the-cream shot of Nosferatu

Do I even have to say that this season sucks if this is the best they can do for drama and controversy? Miss Andy asks Nosferatu to tell his side of the story, but before he can, MassholEd has stood up and taken off the insanely heavy overshirt he was wearing to reveal his latest douchetastic act on this show by trying to look all badass…

yeah, the only scary thing about his T-shirt is the fact that it’s hiding an extremely smelly pair of pit stains

Nosferatu isn’t frightened by it, either, and in fact he asks where his copy of the T-shirt is. Daddy Tom says he can steal it later from wardrobe, heh heh. Anyhow, Nosferatu says everybody’s had a lot of fun with the whole pea purée thing, but the truth of the matter is he would never steal anything from someone else, he made that pea purée himself. Miss Andy wants to know when, and Nosferatu says as soon as he got to the restaurant that day. Bloody Mandy pipes up that he made it right next to her, she saw him take out a blender and put peas in it. ChesTiffany’s bitchy side is coming back out again, because she’s making stinkyface and rolling her eyes at this…

c’mon Tiff, don’t do this, I hate it when you’re an unlikeable bitch for no reason

Naturally, Bobblehead is genetically bred to notice the faintest of eye-rolls and head-bobbing, and immediately asks her what she thinks (as if it really mattered, the whole situation had nothing to do with her). ChestBitchany says she’s not buying that Nosferatu made his own because she didn’t know he made a pea purée and because he didn’t tell MassholEd that he made one, either. Wait, what? Since when is he supposed to announce everything he’s making? Also, she claims “he just looked guilty throughout the whole process”. OH, well then, with that kind of evidence, he clearly must have done it. I think he might have also been on the grassy knoll that day, too.

Daddy Tom asks MassholEd directly if he thinks Nosferatu stole his pea purée. Ed claims half of him does and half of him believes it just got lost. Daddy brings up what Bloody Mandy said about having witnessed Nosferatu making it, and MassholEd counters with “That doesn’t mean anything.” What. A. Dick.

dude, they just hate your ass like you’re Danielle Staub (only with no hair extensions)

He also takes a minute to dispute what KennEgo said when he claimed that Nosferry hadn’t had time to make a pea purée, saying he blanched the peas and put them in a blender, and boom, pea purée. KennEgo backpedals and claims that what he was really saying was that the night before Nosferatu didn’t even have an idea for a dish…

did you guys get that? “you didn’t have time to make it” = “you didn’t have an idea for a dish”

Bloody Mandy says there had to be footage of Nosferatu making it, but Daddy Tom and Miss Andy both insist there isn’t, because they asked the Magical Elves for it. Nosferatu thinks that’s bullshit, claiming this kind of thing just makes “good television”, but Daddy Tom and the Bobblehead remain adamant. I have to side with them: this isn’t good TV, it’s lame and boring. Also, how petty and stupid does this make MassholEd look for harping on ONE Elimination Challenge win that went to Nosferatu when he himself wound up going all the way to the end and being a finalist? Let it go already, dumbfuck. Besides, it’s time for another dumb question, this one coming courtesy of Sarah Stupidass from St. Louis who wants to know what Nosferatu got first when he got booted from the show, the hooker or the 8-ball? Poor Sarah, if you had actually watched the show, you would have recalled that Nosferatu was only going to get those things if he won the High-Stakes Baby Food QuickFire prize of $10,000. Ugh, let’s go to commercial…

how do you guys like the way Jackie’s new futureshorts show off her penis?

oooh, someone kills Renée Zellweger by siccing a terrible demon on her? I’m in!

Back again, and it’s time for a montage of Bobby Brown’s terrible singing and dancing around the Bilious Brownstone…

and making Nosferatu nervous by jiggling his own set of A-cup moobs around

Towards the end of this lame-tage he makes some reference to wanting to drizzle chocolate all over Scar. Even weirder, he says that he likes to “perform” for the ladies during dinner and that “nine times out of ten they usually end up nude by the time we get to dessert…”

oh, I bet that becomes awkward at Denny’s

Bobblehead asks Scar if she’s up for a “chocolate drizzle”, and Scar says she’s nauseated flattered but not a chance in hell no.

Next, Miss Andy introduces the montage of KennEgo and OranJello being “overly confident” and the others calling them cocky (although I do love Bloody Mandy’s dig at KennEgo: “Kenny’s the best chef here. Just. Ask. Him.” LOL, Mandy!) and it leads into KennEgo’s lame nicknames for himself…

he forgot to add the last one, but luckily I remembered it for him

We see repeats of him claiming OranJello sees him as “his biggest threat”, followed by The Citrus One saying his battle is with himself and no one else, followed by him insisting that he’s not cocky at all. Back in the studio, the Bobblehead points out that that line got a huge amount of laughter from the others (and an eye-roll from Instructor LynnBian). Bloody Mandy brings up how cocky it was that OranJello said he was going to win every challenge. Do any of you still think he meant it in a literal way, or do you think perhaps he meant it in the Tony-Robbins-self-pep-talk kind of way? It’s hard to tell, and Miss Andy asks The Citrus One if he thinks he comes off as cocky on the show. OranJello’s response is cute, “I’ll put it this way: I know what I know, and I know what I don’t know.” Daddy Tom actually jumps to the defense of a good chef needing a little cockiness in order to effectively lead their team. Besides, have you guys ever seen the dickbags that regularly appear over at Chopped on the Doof Network? Just about every single one of them proclaims himself to be the Second Coming of Christ The Chef. The Citrus One’s pretty timid compared to those asshats.

Anyhow, Miss Andy then tells KennEgo that no matter who’s better (*cough*OranJello*cough*) he will always be the “Beast In The Kitchen” and presents him with tonight’s second lame-ass T-Shirt…

sadly it does not contain the necessary stinklines

This one is actually available for purchase on Bravo’s website (I thought for sure MassholEd’s stupid pea-shirt would be, but I was wrong) and as a result I feel I have to go on record to say…

they will never, ever, ever top THIS one

As if that wasn’t bad enough, it looks like KennEgo went out and got a tattoo of the same for his big fat belly…

which he is desperately sucking in here

Aaaaaand thousands of women just became lesbians. Plus, his says “Beast OF The Kitchen” for some reason. Anyhow, what about it, ladies? Would you want to see that saying on top of you in bed? Although you’d prolly just see the word “BEAST”. Or maybe even just “DΓΔ⊂Τ”.  Don’t get me wrong, normally I’m totes into fat guys, but KennEgo’s stank attitude is just a giant instant hard-off for me. Let’s stop talking about him altogether.

Instead, it’s time to move on to the montage of the Little Chef Who Couldn’t, namely Stephen ShortyPants..

sucking proudly since Episode One

Some of this lame-tage is clearly made up of editing bullshit, because it’s clip after clip of judges complaining about food, and not always ShortyPants’ food. For example, when they show Frank “BrunHilda” Bruni saying “This is awful!” he’s talking about KennEgo’s giant block of deep-fried goat cheese! BrunHilda didn’t come along until Restaurant Wars and ShortyPants was already out of the competition at that point! I hate it when the Magical Elves think we’re all too stupid to actually remember what went on during the course of the show! Anyhow, after the montage he says that his cooking style is very much trial-and-error before he puts a dish on the menu at his restaurant, and rightfully points out that the format of Top Chef doesn’t allow enough time for that. Daddy Tom actually backs him up on this, saying some chefs really are like that. And some chefs just suck at competitions. I’m only saying that because it’s sometimes true. Like I suspect it is in ShortyPants’ case.

Moving on, we have another silly question, this time from Hefty Heather in Portly, Oregon, who says that her favorite part of the Reunion shows is the montage of “crazy stuff that happens in the Stew Room”. Well, Heather, that’s not really a question per se, but we’re right there with you, the ‘Gasmii tend to think there’s only about 2 minutes of the Reunion Episode worth watching as well, so here we go…

they played “Project Runway”

broke perfectly good bottles of cheap wine

had a game of Lesbiana Strip Poke-her

and OranJello went “balls through the wall”

I found it interesting that ChesTiffany, JerseyMoobs and MassholEd were shown freely participating in these silly games when in the first episode they were the ones who got all highly offended that the other chefs weren’t “taking the competition seriously” enough for their tastes. I guess boredom cured them of their stick-up-the-assishness.

Next question-or-comment-or-segue-whatever comes from Ann Assmuncher in San Francisco, who wants to know if BeakerDreads John is still pissed at himself that he used the Evil Premade Puff Pastry (insert godlike echo here) and got sent home first. It was at this point that I finally got a good look at HomeSchooled Jackie and thought…

her fashion sense is homeschooled, too

What. The. Fuck? There is so much wrong with this look I hardly know where to begin! Let me try: a) blouse is crooked and sagging to her left side 2) slip-straps are showing (has she never heard of Strap-Perfect™ as seen on TV?) iii) shiny, shiny, shiny, does she not know what a “matte finish” or powder is for? Δ) wearing cornflower blue and seafoam green together 4½) her right blouse-strap is inside out, and finally V) showing eight-head. No wonder Miss Andy never asks her a single question this entire time.

Anyhow, back to BeakerDreads, he says of course if he could do it all over he wouldn’t have gone the Evil Premade Puff Pastry route, and actually believes if he had cooked something else altogether he would have been on the show a lot longer…

like maybe two episodes

Daddy Tom dickishly asks him if dessert sales are up or down. BeakerDreads says they’re up because he’s not the one making them. Tsssss-burn! Good one, BeakerDreads! And Tom’s not done being an asshole here, either, because next the Bobblehead asks Trucksy Tracy what it’s like being told that she’s insulted Italians everywhere. Flashback to the grilling episode that got her cut, and Trucksy looks really embarrassed, naïvely saying she had hoped they would have edited that comment out. Daddy Tom’s giggling and claiming after he said it he wished they hadn’t used it either, but he knew there was no way it wouldn’t make it into the episode. Aww, man I feel sorry for her, she’s not laughing, and in fact looks really butt-hurt that the worst moment of her time on the show is the only thing they wanna ask her about.

let’s all send her some hugs and sausage-burgers

Let’s move on, Miss Andy, this is getting painfully awkward. Brent the P.A. from The Bravo/NBC/Universal Offices Downstairs wants to know from Gail what the difference is between being a judge on Top Chef, and doing judging and hosting on Top Chef: Just Desserts. Nicely ill-concealed plug there, Miss Andy! Duh, Brent! She makes more money now! Naturally she gives a big bunch of butt-kissing to Scar, saying it’s a lot harder hosting than it looks, and that she’s on a definite learning curve with it. Scar gives an insincere smile and says she’s sure Gail’s gonna be great at it and can’t wait to see the show…

as soon as hell freezes over

I don’t think Miss Thing likes anybody encroaching on her hosting turf. We still have yet to see her and Bok Choi together, I suspect for that very reason. In any case, all this talking about the Judges provides the perfect segue for the Bobblehead to introduce the usual montage of the Judges acting crazy on the set. Because watching Scar flub her lines is fascinating, I’m afraid to recap it, lest I be hypnotized, so we’re just gonna move right along, K? Especially when Miss Andy admits that “every bit of tape is used”. Who else thinks that is a euphemism for “this show is cheap sometimes”…

thanks, Daddy Tom!

Let’s have another commercial…

this is the only scene I wanted to see from this film: Katherine Heigl with babyshit on her face

Tonight’s vignette is a complete and utter rip-off of Big Brother (of all things) because it’s a bunch of those Combine-A-Face illustrations of what the babies would look like if various pairs of chefs hooked up…

like babies don’t smell bad enough without adding doo-rags, dreadlocks and oily skin together?

and this baby could never even ever happen (outside of a lab)

why does baby Tameshelo look Indian? (dots, not feathers)

this kid is straight-up Jersey Shore (maybe it’s the overly-gelled hair)

Baby’s First Hair Extensions™ (DoucheSoul Patch™ sold separately)

this baby throws constant tantrums, swears a lot and thinks he’s better than everybody

surprisingly fug coming from the two sex symbols of the show

Well, that was just a big plate of pure awful. However, I’m all for it if it will keep even one of these people from hooking up with the other and creating a squalling little poop factory. Anyhow, we’re gonna go from awful to downright hideous with the next lame-tage as Miss Andy claims they got a lot of comments on how “different” the opening of this season’s show was… then the porn music starts playing and we have shots of a steadily rising Washington Monument (it’s like a big, hard dick!) and the Capital Building mirrored so it looks like it has two domes (like giant boobs!) and fireworks going off in the background (like Congressmen ejaculating on their tax-purchased whores!) intercut with several of the chefs making “sexy” poses, taking off their chefcoats, and just generally doing hooker pole-dances (even the guys)…

that scraping sound?…is the bottom of the barrel

Man, Miss Andy wasn’t kidding when she said they used every inch of footage they could for this bullshit! Bloody Mandy seemed to be the one who really got into the sad little strip tease, but when the Bobblehead asks her what she was “vibing on” she claims she was just doing what they told her to do… which was apparently to give blowjobs to the camera. Well, I guess when your season didn’t have anything else to offer, it’s time to resort to whatever limited sex appeal you can dredge up out of this crummy crew.

Moving on, who was their favorite politician to cook for this season? Bloody Mandy liked Nancy Pelosi and Miss Swan still has a crush on Buzz Aldrin (who isn’t technically a politician, but when people don’t know the difference between lying and blaming, why split hairs?). I liked Top Chef Season Six, but nobody asked me.

Now Miss Andy decides to try and take yet another shot at OranJello, saying that some guy named Mark (prolly another P.A. from downstairs) wrote and asked if The Citrus One was as arrogant in his everyday life as he was on the show? Didn’t we already cover this? Nevertheless, OranJello says he doesn’t consider himself to be arrogant, in fact, he believes he is humble and gracious to people “but, that’s my perspective”. You will notice, he did not try and blame the editing (which he easily could have) and he did not say anything cocky or arrogant. I think (as many of you have stated before) that they tried to give him the villain edit, but in reality he’s a pretty nice guy. In any case, the reason why we’re beating this Dead-OranJello-Is-An-Asshole-Horse is because it’s time for another montage of why people think The Citrus One is a “master spy”…

not in that shirt he isn’t

I guess he should take it as a compliment that they devoted an entire montage to nothing but his awesomeness (we hear clip after clip of them calling his name as the winner, something we certainly could not have gotten in JerseyMoobs’ montage) and I am personally grateful for hearing him say “I’m not necessarily the dog that just goes and humps the leg, I take a look at which leg I wanna hump and then I hump it.” They also bring up how he’s always talking to himself, sometimes in French, which inexplicably leads ShortyPants to the conclusion that maybe The Citrus One is a Russian spy. Just cuz his mail-order bride is from there? Ah, but then the real reason for this montage is made clear as we hear MassholEd trotting out the old “If anyone listens to Angelo too much it could definitely backfire…” and it’s followed by him giving advice to Bloody Mandy, ShortyPants and ChesTiffany.

Now the Bobblehead says that Tara Twatwaffle from El Paso says she thought Miss Tamesha was going the distance but she thinks OranJello led her on to failure. What does Miss Lady T think? Here’s your chance, girl, don’t fuck it up. She says she doesn’t believe OranJello led her on to fail, the dish she presented that got her sent home was 100% hers and the judges just didn’t like it. AMEN! The Citrus One looks vindicated. Then Miss Andy asks him directly, since it’s a competition, why is he helping people at all? He comes right back with “Why not help people?” Bobblehead snaps back with “Because you’re competing against them.” The Citrus One replies, “Sure, sure, but I think what’s gonna get you to the end is your talent, not by me giving you a tidbit here and there.” SNAPPLE, CITRUS FLAVOR! Do any of y’all get the feeling Miss Andy doesn’t care so much for OranJello? Especially when he asks the group as a whole who thinks he was sincere in the help he was giving people…

the holdouts are KennEgo (not surprised) Big-Haired Andrea (bitter) and GayNold (unrequited lust)

Yeah, I know it looks like GayNold’s raising his hand there, but he really didn’t, he reached up and wiped his mouth, which was pursed in a prissily disapproving moue of disgust. Ooooh, you are losing more J-Mo points, girlfriend! Anyhow, ChesBitchany qualifies her raised hand, saying she believes OranJello’s help is sincere now, but she didn’t then. What made her come around? “At the end of the day everyone cooks their own food and everyone puts that dish on the plate, so it is that person.”…

thank you, your Highness… that’s what I said several weeks ago

Dear God, it’s time for another lame-tage of those wacky cheftestants, only this time they’re not in the Stew Room, they’re in the Bilious Brownstone playing practical jokes on each other. Well, we do still have another 12 minutes to fill. The best part of this was something we’ve already seen, when OranJello Saran-Wrapped the toilet seat, causing ShortyPants to pee all over his own balls…

okay, it is kinda fun to watch yourself being a sort-of a tool on TV

After that, it was just a bunch more instances of people Saran-Wrapping things, which, duh, the Glad Family Of Products™ is no longer the sponsor here guys, it’s the green bodywash people now! Then again, I guess it’s not such a funny prank to wash other people’s stuff, so, plastic-wrap away!

Next, for fun and games, it’s time for Top Chef Trivia! Who can name the winners of Top Chef in order! Ooooooh, that would require you to remember seven whole people! Who out of this bunch could possibly have enough brain power to rise to such a task?

ten bucks says he forgets his own name

Gee, JerseyMoobs also knows two of the winners (remember he “worked for with” them) so how hard can this be? I’d be way more impressed if he remembered the TVGasm nicknames for them (Harold, Illyawn, Dung, Yoda, Hoser, Li’l Volt and JerseyMoobs). Sorry, we never recapped Season One, so Harold never really got a nickname. In any case, since Moobsie got them all right, Miss Andy is giving everyone the full suite of Top Chef QuickFire Wines (plug!)…

yay, we’re gonna get drunk!

I don’t blame them for being giddy, they deserve it, they’ve prolly been sitting there for six hours listening to this crap, who knows how many stupid montages they’ve had to sit through?

FINALLY MIss Andy has something interesting to say! He’s been teasing the entire (six) hour(s) of this Reunion Special that they are gonna find out who will be participating in the next season of Top Chef, which the Magical Elves have smartly decided to make an “All-Star” season (I suspect partially thanks to the dismal casting of this season) and now he’s about to reveal who gets to compete… and it won’t be any of the winners! Well, duh, they already won once, so they should be excluded, especially shitty by-default-winners like Hoser and JerseyMoobs. So who’s going to be on it? Well, first, let’s go to commercial…

so who’s doing the MySpace movie?

“I gotta go. My bitchy shrew of a wife wants to throw containers of Yoplait at my balls again.”

and yes, I’m still pissed at you, girlfriend

Okay, home stretch! They’re not doing Fan Favorite tonight (plug for the Bobblehead’s buttkissfest!) but who do they think will win it? Bloody Mandy bitchily says GayNold “because he’s campaigning.” Daddy Tom looks incredulous and a few people laugh. GayNold looks embarrassed and claims it’s not him campaigning, it’s his sister that’s doing it. I’m here to tell you all that that is a flat-out lie, Miss Thing has been campaigning for weeks begging people for votes. How do I know this? Because Miss GayNold and I, we’re FaceBook friends…

although prolly not for long after this recap hits the site

I can’t tell you how many times she’s been stumping in her News Updates for this since she got booted. C’mon, girl, own it! I dunno why, but she has come off as really bitchy and disingenuous this whole episode, and I don’t like to see her being that way. Anyhow, Big-Haired Andrea actually thinks KennEgo’s gonna win it! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! She’s serious, too, and I bet he believes her, but there’s no way in gay hell. KennEgo himself says he thinks it’s gonna be ChesTiffany who snags it. And he was right on the money, she did win Fan Favorite. But even more interesting, do you guys know who had the second-highest number of votes?…

not this Alpha-Douche

Actually, it was OranJello who got the runner-up position for Fan Favorite! And since he already won $40,000.00 and a car (plus his food is going into space!) I am sure he’s not bitter about ChesTiffany winning. KennEgo would have been another story. In any case, here’s who’s going to be in Top Chef Season 8 All-Stars set in New York City and premiering December 1st on Bravo…

Stevie AssBurrito and the original Bitchani (with an extra-bitchi “i”!)

El Chia-Pet and the bad-ass rappin’-tastic skillz of TurkeyHair!

BaldHawk (yay!), Bunny Foo-Foo (boo!) and Some Black Guy (???)

whom I will call Tray Cookz!

the Chicago smorgasbord includes BlazeHawk, Dung v2.0, AnTonneia and Spike Evangelass!

Fahhbeeoh, Beaker Carla (along with Spirit Guides Ronda & Juanita, natch!) and Jamie the Ninja LesboTurtle!

Bitter Jen (BIG yay!) and… oh fuck me right in the man-cunt, it’s Sexist Fuckin’ Pigshit (BIGGEST BOO EVAHHH!)

OMFG, you have to be kidding me! Since when does this Didn’t-Even-Make-Top-Six-And-Got-Beat-By-80′s-Hooker-Asshole qualify as a “star”? I predict (and pray) he’s out in the first few episodes. Hopefully. Anyhow, so here’s the big moment as we find out who from Season 7 gets to have their second chance at winning Top Chef…

I fucking knew it!

Also, hahahaha, KennEgo didn’t get picked! Miss Andy wants to know how the two of them feel about starting this process all over again since they just finished it. Miss ChesTiffany says she’s ready for it, and OranJello says he’s not gonna get sick this time. Bobblehead wants to know from the Judges what they think of the line-up of competition…

“Man, there are some real asshats up in there!”

he’s dead-on-balls right, too

Daddy says most of them are extremely talented chefs who were either in the Finals or could have made it to the finals, and that some of them got “tripped up early”. Man, that statement right there must be extra-painful for KennEgo to be hearing right about now. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Gail says if she could have hand-picked the cast, this is who she would have chosen (with the exception of Sexist Pigshit, I can’t believe that Gail would really have wanted Mr. Greek Passive included in the bunch) and Le Rippert sez ov courze hee eez rooteeng for Beetair Jayn beecozz shee eez workaing for heem now. Scar says she thinks BlazeHawk is really talented, but they’re all so different, she can’t pick a favorite. I think she’s blunted again.

And with that, Miss Andy congratulates ChesTiffany and OranJello on their second chance, JerseyMoobs on his lame-ass win, and we’re FINALLY OUT!

What did you guys think of this episode? Remember when these used to be kinda funny? What do you guys think of the All-Star cast, and who would you have rather seen there? For me, hands down, I think DirtyBear should have gotten another shot, as well as Big Volt and Stefan (replacing AssBurrito, Sexist Pigshit and EvangelAss) but other than that I’m pretty happy and excited for what’s going to come ouf of it. And I will be right there to share it all with you guys.

So now, I’m taking a little vacay from recapping. I have this big-ass, bad-ass, brand new iMac that I’m working on, and i have had zero time to even figure out really how it works yet, so hopefully by the time the show returns I’ll have figured out how to make my gifs again. Oh and one last thing before I go…

because I promised

Thanks again for all the comment love, ‘Gasmii, I will see you in December!

love, J-Mo