Top Chef: Saved By Chickpeas

Happy After-Christmas everyone! Did you all enjoy the holiday? I tried to, but Amazon.com fucked me and I wound up having to go into an actual store to buy something on Christmas Eve Eve. Apparently, the exact same thing happened to most of the rest of the state, because everyone else in Arizona was there, too. And they were all retirees paying with crumpled plastic bags of nickels and pennies. To make us all feel even more murderous, the store helpfully had set aside five of their most tone-deaf girls to shout Christmas carols with a karaoke machine… right next to the checkout line. Also, it just happened to be my particular Check-Out Kid’s 37th minute on the job, so naturally my debit-card transaction completely stymied him, and required a manager to come over and show him how to press the key helpfully marked “DEBIT” on the cash register. The entire time I was doing deep-breathing exercises and reminding myself that it could be much, much worse…

I could have woken up as this bitch

On tonight’s episode of Top Chef, things are going to be bloodier, bitchier and ballsier than even holiday shopping at it’s worst. Let’s pick up where we left off, with the super-stressful double elimination… the remaining (and, in some cases, certainly grateful to have squeaked through again) chefs decide to hit a bar and get hammered…

clearly it is not a gay bar

While they are buying drinks from the Unsexiest Bartender Alive™, everyone is key-keying about AssBurrito and Gayle’s sudden departure. Bunny Foo Foo is taking it especially hard since Gayle was her favorite Gay, and now that he’s gone, Turdle is busily hitting on her trying to take his place…

“Guess who can take on an oversized clitoris?”

“Guess whose vagina just sealed itself shut forever?”

Foo Foo is trying to convince everyone that she didn’t see it coming for Gayle to get sent home when he presented a sweet breakfast food with a giant hunk of dinner meat and some popcorn on it. Now, I don’t know if she tries for the whole ditzy thing or if it comes naturally, but either way, DUH. Meanwhile, Bitchani is still smarting from having landed in the bottom again, and vows that she won’t wind up there in this episode. Which most likely means she will wind up there this episode. Are we getting too wise to the Magical Elves editing tricks? We’ll soon see.

As for Dung v2.0, who actually (and quite shockingly) won last week, he’s following in the footsteps of his Dippity-Doo-Doo-Haired castmate BlazeHawk, and saying how you can’t take any time to sit and think about your victory (i.e. actually enjoy it) you have to move on to thinking about the next competition instantly or else you’ll go hoooooome…

which would deprive the world from enjoying his lovely collection of fake hip-hop hats worn in a rebellious and jaunty manner

You know, at least OranJello takes a few minutes to enjoy his wins. Then again, he’s not bitter like BlazeHawk. Or trying to be Blalipino like Dung v2.0. Or would that be a Filipigga? In any case, Sexist Pigshit is just happy someone besides OranJello won, because, well, that someone will probably never be him. Ugh, why do they interview that guy at all? It’s not like he’s a credible threat to anyone, least of all OranJello.

Next day, Top Chef Kitchen, and it looks like it’s time to bring another loozah from Top Chef Masters back for this episode. Let’s say hello again to Tony Mantuano…

now he’s more along the lines of what Scar likes to fuck date

Looks like Scar’s boobs are still swollen from the baby. And that dress looks like a bedskirt from an 80′s porno. Anyhow, Tony owns Spiaggia in Chicago, claims to be President Obama’s favorite chef (which is why I nicknamed him Tobama), and once got offended when fellow Top Chef Master Susur Lee made a mild Italian joke at his expense. I never understood why he got so bent out of shape…

there are lots of far worse Italian jokes

Scar says the QuickFire Challenge today is going to test their ability to make one of “America’s classic seasonal dishes”. Ooh, is it Spamburgers? Velveeta Shells’N'Cheese? Beanee Weenee? Nope, it’s actually stuffing, which is one of the only reasons I drag my ass out of bed at all on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Bitchani looks slightly daunted, reminding us that stuffing is possibly the most “regionally specific” food of them all. in fact, she goes so far as to say it’s actually “Mother specific”…

this is what she thinks of people whose stuffing recipe consists of Stove Top™

Well, lah-dee-dah, not all of us have our own stuffing recipe, and not for lack of trying. One year I decided I could whip one up on my own, so I dumped a can of Chicken Noodle soup over a loaf of stale Wonder Bread and threw it in the oven for six hours until it was golden black. That’s when I found out it’s not as easy as it looks to come up with fabulous recipes for stuff. We can’t all be Sandra Lee and make amazingly unhealthy dishes out of prefabricated processed foods, complete with overwrought table settings, lots of booze and plastic surgery. Some of us make mistakes. My blackened stuffing attempt is actually still in the bottom of my oven, and I pretty much have to bake around it.

Anyhow, the chefs are supposed to settle the Great Stuffing Debate by creating the best possible stuffing (sponsored by a product-placed broth manufactured by a company whose name rhymes with BRONSON) which sounds easy enough until Scar says they’re going to make it hard by taking away all of their knives and kitchen utensils…

aaaand get ready for a big FahBeeOhWhine™ in 3… 2… 1…

Yes, naturally the Fabster bitches and moans “Reelee, no utaynseel? How wee gon doodees? I’monna crosh potadoe weet my haid?” Yes, please, as many times as it takes to give you a spudcussion. Ah, but Scar is ready to sweeten the deal by offering the winner immunity… and $20,000.00…

you may think Beaker is excited, but really she’s horrified that Ronda and Juanita just sprayed spirit-shit all over the kitchen

Remember how I said earlier that they’re starting to give stuff away with the editing? Well, just before Scar calls for them to start their 45 minutes of cooking time, we get a random sound-bite from Lunch Tray saying how much he could use 20 G’s, especially since he has two daughters, and “Having two girls, everyone knows who has ‘em, girls are expensive.”…

they might as well have done this

Even though there are only 14 of them left, there is still a mad crush for the fridges in the pantry (ha ha, someone nearly smooshed Turdle in the open door of one of them) as the chefs all grab whatever the fuck they can get their hands on. Bunny Foo Foo ain’t gonna fight for it, and neither is Beaker, who calmly tells us “Whatever is meant to be, will be… and what’s left is quinoa. I’m going down the Thai quinoa salad road!”…

which we already know leads directly to LoserTown

Thanks for the shoddy editing Magical Elves, now I know for sure that Beaker is going to crash and burn on this one. Ah, but she won’t be the only one, cuz Bunny Foo Foo is also tottering down the “non-traditional Asian” stuffing lane, and further cements her Loserliciousness when she says “I’ve never cooked this dish in my life, but if you are on this show to just cook a bunch of stuff that you already know how to cook, then you are in the wrong place my friend!”…

much like she is

Yes, because it would be stupid to make a dish that you already know how to cook. You should always try to make something you’ve never done before so you won’t have any idea how it’s going to turn out. This kind of dumbassery is exactly what got Beaker into trouble in the Season Five Finale (and was also engineered by Bunny Foo Fool). Ugh, let’s go somewhere else.

Several non-accidental shots of Ronson Broth later, we see that the chefs are actually getting resourceful in finding stuff to use as makeshift utensils. BlazeHawk is using a jar lid for a spoon, Foo Foo is trying to slice garlic with the edge of a pan, Beaker is hoping to smash an onion open by banging on it with a pot (good luck, girlfriend) and FahBeeOh is…

adding rust flakes for flavor

He’s still bitching though: “Aask a chayf too koook widdouda toolz eez lige too aask to a zurgeon to doo an opayn-hard surguree weet onlee heez feengair!” Um, sorry Fabs, but those things aren’t alike at all. Cooking without tools wouldn’t, you know, kill someone. Unless it’s fugu (that poisonous Japanese pufferfish). In any case, FahBeeOh is so impressed with himself for finding such an awesome cheese grater amongst the racks in the kitchen that he feels like a genius…

a genius will to have learning the English syntax for by now

Big whoop. I have no doubt that Turdle could have grated cheese with her nipples. Except that would involve work, and we all know by now that ain’t gonna happen. However, someone who is working hard is Miss Bitchani, she says her mom makes the best stuffing in the world. I guess she achieves this by kicking everyone out of the house and when they return they find “Jedi fucking stuffing”. Wouldn’t it suck for her if she found out her mom was REALLY running out and picking it up from Boston Market? Anyhow, she’s being forced to get wacky with the toolz, too, and winds up using a peppermill to dismember a quail. Beaker is suitably impressed…

but she’d have done it with her teeth

Let’s hear from obvious QuickFire Winner Lunch Tray! He says that last year he took on Thanksgiving for his family, and they apparently didn’t take so well to some of the choices he made. I bet he put grapes and raisins into the stuffing. I hate that shit. Anyhow, he says he’s cooking for a more refined palate than his family’s, so he’s making a cheddar and jalapeño bread pudding. With a liquid nitrogen sauce. Pulverized into powder…

and served with a generous side of nutbag

Back over at Bitchani’s table, her Jedi Fucking Stuffing seems to be veering off onto the Dark Side as she admits it’s soy-maple essence might be a droid too sweet. Also having problems is Beaker, who says she nailed the sauce, which turned out beautifully, but her quinoa is undercooked. Apparently black quinoa takes a lot longer to cook than regular quinoa. I guess it’s on BQT? Poor Beaker. Time to find out how Bunny Foo Foo’s (Cauc)Asian stuffing turned out…

well, serving it on a vulva-shaped plate isn’t going to help

Jesus, does that even look like stuffing? At all? Foo-FAIL! Let’s see what kind of soup stuffing Turdle made…

holy shit, she did make soup!

Tobama seems to like it well enough, but he gets offended at mafia jokes, so whatever. Next up is poor Beaker, who tries to score those honesty points by calling her dish “un-done-te quinoa”…

also charmingly served on vaginal stoneware so it will look extra pubic

Yeesh. Tobama mis-hears her and asks why she cooked the quinoa al dente. “I said un-DONE-te!” clarifies Beaker…

which is Italian for “losing dish”

Yeah, Beaker knows she’s not winning $20K as she moans “This isn’t even a 20-cent dish.” At least she’s kind enough to offer Tobama some dental floss after he finishes taking a bite. Scar just looks like she’d rather be eating cat doots. Or old man balls, even. Now it’s EvangelAss’ turn to present…

and what did I tell you about putting raisins and shit in the stuffing?

That plate looks like a murder-scene where the quail barfed just before it died. On the other hand, it is a pretty red and green, so that’s very holiday-ey. EvangelAss is also very proud of the lemongrass spears he used to assist in plating this mess. That’s great, but you and I both know his dirty-ass-picking fingers were all up in that food, so blech.

He’s followed by TurkeyHair…

who has also gone dickishly fruit-heavy

Is it just me, or are a lot of these guys trying to show off by putting an entire bird on their plate? You can’t even see his stuffing! Mostly because it’s full of fucking fruit. HATE. Even worse, here comes BlazeHawk…

also not noticing much in the way of actual stuffing here

But he made sure to use the liquid nitrogen! And raisins! Fuuuuuuck meeeeeeee! ISN’T ANYBODY GOING TO MAKE ANY ACTUAL STUFFING DURING THIS STUFFING CHALLENGE??!?!? Oh wait, here’s Lunch Tray’s winning dish…

finally

That? Looks seriously tasty. And I live in the Southwest, those flavors would be right up my alley. Unless I found fucking raisins or grapes in it. Anyhow, Tobama seems to like it, too, cuz he says it has “a nice kick to it.” Lunch Tray looks like he has an erection. i know you’d all like a picture like that, but I don’t have any. At least not of Lunch Tray. Anyhow, it’s Dung v2.0′s turn to lose…

and lose he must, because grapes = dead to me

Next up we have Bitchani and her mangled-mother’s recipe…

and ¼ grapes = only ¼ dead to me

She also tries to get some extra credit points for originality when she tells Tobama about how she fabricated the bird with the peppermill. Too bad she didn’t use what was inside of it to cut the sweetness of her stuffing down a little. Now let’s try the food of our resident genius FahBeeOh…

this dish is screaming (and vomiting) at us

see? plus it has eye boogers

He also tells Scar and Tobama allllll about his amazing rack-grater invention. They look suitably impressed, by which I mean not at all. In any case FOUR chefs got skipped over this time, so let’s watch what didn’t happen and see who led the Parade of Mediocrity™…

Sexist Pigshit (natch!) and his “Paella Stuffing”… which looks like a Denny’s skillet (only $3.99 for a limited time!)

LowFatSo’s Everything-But-The-Kitchen-Sink Skillet, which has Scallops (natch!), Indian Lentil Purée, Mint, Dandeloin Greens, Cilantro & Chives

ChesTiffany’s plain old cornbread stuffing (zzzzzzzzzz)

and… OranJello? awww, I guess they didn’t like his Surf and Turf Oyster Filled Pork, Bread Crumb Topping, Parsley and Whole Oysters

I suspect a lot of these people totally overthought this challenge and instead of producing a good hearty take on stuffing, they turned in things that were too far removed from even the essence of stuffing. Which is a crime and they should be slapped. Anyhow, Tobama says most of them did very well, but his least favorites were (gasp!) Beaker, mostly due to her undercooked black quinoa (he did mention if he put it in a cereal bowl and poured milk over it, it might make a great dish, so be on the lookout for Beaker Q-Clusters, coming soon!). Also not a favorite was Bitchani’s Jedi Dessert Stuffing for being overly sweet (“My mom is gonna kill me!” she moans). PLUS, Bunny Foo Fail’s dish was clocked for not really being a stuffing because it was way more like a plated appetizer. Served on Vulvaware™…

aren’t you glad you chose something you’d never cooked before? hope it was worth $20,000.00

As for the likees, Lunch Tray is shockingly mentioned, Tobama says his stuffing was spicy but well-balanced. Also getting honorable mention is TurkeyHair for having a good tasting bird as WELL as good tasting stuffing. But we all know already that the $20K is going to Lunch Tray….

poor spiky-haired douchebaby

Lunch Tray is the freaking-out kind of happy over his win, and I can’t blame him, I would be, too! In this economy $20 Gs is like a bazillion dollars. That’s about what the Salahis are worth, and they think they’re rich. Anyhow, yay Tray, now please take your shirt off to celebrate.

OK, so for the Elimination Challenge (and this is where the real shit goes down in this episode) Scar says they’ll be cooking at the home of the U.S. Open. Like vallegirl said in the comments of About Last Night, this is rather confusing, since they were just talking about holidays like Chrisgiving and Thanksmas, and suddenly we’re whiplashing back to Labor Day? In any case, Scar goes on to say that blah blah blah the US Open is like super-prestigious and then mentions how the players are on a strict diet of healthy, high-energy food. And meth, if Andre Agassi’s book is to be believed. Then she whips out a tray…

of nothing but big fuzzy balls

The chefs are invited to all come up and grab a can of her balls. Inside they’ll either find orange or yellow balls (and I can’t believe they missed out on the chance to give the chefs blue balls, aaaawwwoooooooooaaaahhh!) which will divide them into two teams. Team Orange winds up being Sexist Pigshit, FahBeeOh, Dung v2.0, Beaker, Antonia, BlazeHawk and TurkeyHair… while Team Yellow has OranJello (ironic, huh?), Bitchani, Bunny Foo Foo, Turdle, Lunch Tray, ChesTiffany and EvangelAss, who is quick to say he’s not on the team he wants to be on…

and I’m sure the feeling is mutual, foof-head

I’ve noticed he’s gotten rid of his stupid hats. And replaced them with even stupider hair. Dammit, now I miss the hats. Anyhow, he’s wahhing because he doesn’t feel like he has any “allies” on this team. You know, a smarter man might have made the connection at this point that in just over a week’s worth of filming time he’s managed to alienate half the people there. Also, he seems to forget (like they all do from time to time) that if you make good food you’re not going anywhere.

So Scar says they are going to take part in a game of “culinary tennis”. I am really hoping this involves whacking food products with rackets or some kind of bombardment with stuff you can make balls out of (such as meat, matzah, cheese, rum and lard) but no such luck. Instead, a member from each team will be serving their dishes one at a time, head to head. The winning dish gets a point for the team, and the first team to 4 points wins the match. Players on the winning team will all be eligible to win, but only the players who lose their point on the losing team will be up for elimination.

Tobama mentions at this point that some strategy may be involved, i.e., maybe they should put up stronger dishes out first, or save them to try and snag game-winning points later on. They get 15 minutes to menu plan right now, so the teams split up. On Team YellowBalls, EvangelAss says he wants to make something brothy (which is edging into Turdle’s territory!) and that can be easily broken down by the body, so I guess he’ll be serving rice porridge. Meanwhile, over at Team Orange Julius, Beaker’s mentioning that Ronda and Juanita are envisioning for her to make an African Peanut Soup that’s vegetarian and actually has interesting flavors. Dung v2.0 then pissily asks if any of his teammates have actually been to the US Open, and when they answer no, he snots “Very. Upscale. Event.” and privately sneers that Beaker’s vegetarian dish is just “not the kind of food these people want to eat”…

awwww, sounds like someone’s jealous that someone else really is of African descent

Besides, that faux-hip-hop douchecap fairly screams “upscale” right? In any case, they all head back to the Loft and the teams begin their strategy sessions. Team Orange Julius has decided to just rely on the food being good and will put their strongest people out first to try and win up front. Team YellowBalls, on the other hand, is thinking about putting out their weakest dish first, to force the Orangies to waste their best dish first (assuming they put their best dishes out first). It’s not exactly clear how they’ve already arrived at who has the weakest dish, but it’s interesting to note that Turdle is already disconnecting from this challenge (shocking, I know) and saying the strategy really wasn’t hers, but instead she’s decided to take on her usual “whateva” attitude. “For me, it’s like, if I can avoid competing fighting, I’m gonna avoid working fighting…”

much like she avoids staying awake

This is getting completely fucking ridiculous, could she even be any less invested in this show? Also, she does realize this is on TV and everyone is watching her pussy her way out of everything, right? Eh, prolly not, cuz realizing things requires effort. Anyhow, the next day we’re back at good old Whole Paycheck Market, where I can’t even afford a pack of gum, much less their fine foods. OranJello’s buying mackerel to make a smoked fish dish, while Bitchani just fondles them for fun. Meanwhile, we come to find out from Lunch Tray that he’s pretty particular about what he eats because apparently 8 years ago he was…

built just like me!

Yes, Lunch Tray was actually more of a Serving Platter, and he wound up changing his diet and doing a lot of running to become the . Wow, so if he used to look like me, do you think I could ever look like him? Eh, prolly not, cuz running requires effort. Besides, it’s Meaty-Manly-Meatloaf™ night at Casa J-Mo, I ain’t gonna turn that down to go running or eating healthy food. Back to the show (instead of my ever-expanding ass) we hear from Beaker, who says she’s fully aware that her so-called teammates on Orange Julius aren’t thrilled with her dish, but she believes in it and is gonna do it anyway…

“They can all just suck my hootie-hoo.”

Thankfully that’s the end of the Whole Paycheck segment, and we zoom on over to the site of the US Open, which is very pretty and lush and green…

and is named after one of the most lesbionic dykes who ever pussywillowed her way around a vagina

I still think Michael Jackson wrote that song about her. At any rate, the chefs have 3 hours to prep, and because the food is supposed to be healthy for athletes, BlazeHawk’s making “Thai-Bouleh”, which is apparently a play on “tabbouleh”. That might be funnier if I knew what tabbouleh was. In any case, he’s going to sous-vide some lamb, which isn’t funny at all…

unlike his swoopy Bob’s Big Boy hair

LowFatSo is telling us she never played any sports in high school, preferring to smoke a lot of weed and do nothing else…

well, I’m assuming CheeTos found their way into her life somehow

She’s concerned about the Fabster because guess what he’s making for the 697,384th time that rhymes with HOKEY? Yup, he’s decided this challenge somehow calls for him to make yet another version of gnocchi. Also adding to our sense of déjà vu, he’s super-impressed with himself because zee meexair hoz no poddle-attochmaynt zo he haz too doo de gnocchi weet heez own leedle hanz. Ogh, ged de fock ova yoo zelf, azz holl.

Bunny Foo Foo is also keeping things light as she’s going to make a seared pork tenderloin with fresh cherries and farro, which sounds like a dumptruck of a dish if I’ve ever heard one. She admits that healthy stuff doesn’t always taste the best (Ry-Krisp, anyone?) and yet she’s still insisting that farro is a delicious grain…

food porn for fiber-enthusiasts

So what has Turdle been doing this entire time (besides avoiding the cameras or expending any energy)? Well, it seems that she’s settled on making something using dried chickpeas (we never find out what, exactly) and she’s been cooking and cooking and cooking them, and she’s worried she’s not going to have enough time to get them finished properly in the 3 hours they’ve been given.

Also running into difficulty is OranJello, who discovers that the mackerel he picked up from Whole Paycheck have turned all slimy and mucus-y looking, so instead of wasting a bunch of time wiping them down with Kleenex, he’s just not going to use them at all. Instead, he goes and asks his teammate Lunch Tray if he can use some of his salmon to make a sashimi with instead. Lunch Tray immediately erases all the good will he built up earlier by being a dick and flat-out refusing him, even though he has fucking immunity and probably shouldn’t even compete except as a last resort…

just remember Lunchy… once you get fat… it can always come back

Instead, he suggests The Citrus One talk to ChesTiffany and see if she’ll part with some of her tuna. She swoops in and scoops up all the Former Lunch Tray Goodwill™ that’s floating around when she agrees, saying that even though it’s a competition, she’s not one for “strategizing and doin’ all those games” against her own teammates like some of these other fools whose names rhyme with Munch Gay.

Hey, here comes Daddy Tom, looking like a big bald Violet Beauregarde and trying to talk to Turdle…

“So I see you’re actually cutting something with your knife… might it be an ingredient for an actual dish?”

Actually, he’s trying to ask her about Team YellowBalls’ strategy, but she won’t tell him anything because there are people from Team Orange Julius around. Besides, it’s not her strategy anyhow, we’ll see what her real game-plan is in a bit. So Daddy Tom tries again with Bitchani and OranJello with no luck. Finally EvangelAss quietly murmurs their plan to put their weakest dish out first to draw out the Orange team’s best dish. Ahhh, but the best-laid plans of rats and men…

Meanwhile, Beaker is steadily chopping away at something and lets her concentration wander a bit. Before you can say “GINSU” she’s managed to chop off about half a fingernail and the tip of her finger!…

hope it didn’t land in her soup

The medic on hand bandages her up and suggests she go to the hospital, but Beaker’s insisting to him that she can handle it. “Does it hurt? Yes. Am I about to pass out? No. There’s nothing to stitch, i’ve cut it all off!” Both LowFatSo and Dung v2.0 applaud her professionalism in simply deciding to move on and finish the challenge…

unlike some people who would have been out the door before the medic could have even finished saying “hospi–”

As time is running out, Turdle is still complaining to everyone that her chickpeas just aren’t soft enough yet. Also, with only 10 minutes remaining, EvangelAss has managed to overcook the shrimp for his tomato-tamarind soup. We find this out in spite of his efforts to hide that little fact… in his interview he said he went to check on them and suddenly “they’re just really bad”… but OranJello asks him on camera if they got over-poached and you can barely hear it, but EvangelAss says…

ha ha, the Magical Elves also butchered your scruffy ass

So now he’s having to rush to cook another batch and claims he wasn’t able to put enough love into them and “season them all up” the way he would have liked to. Oh well, it’s time to start the game! Everybody drags their food out to the courts and they’re all excited to be out there (OranJello says he feels like he’s “in a fighter jet” which makes no sense, but maybe he’s talking about flying on his own penis or something) except for… you guessed it… Turdle. She says her first concern is to get those damned chickpeas cooking. Wait, I thought they’d been cooking for the last three hours? Did she pick up a bag of marbles instead? Cuz you could cook those for hours and they won’t get soft. She takes another bite and loudly complains that they’re still so haaaard…

maybe it would help if she turned the stove on

It’s almost time for the game to start and they’re going to have to pick who goes up first. Team YellowBalls tastes everyone’s dishes as a group… except for Turdle’s because she insists her chickpeas are not ready so she refuses to give them a taste. I don’t even know what’s in her dish, but I find it weird that chickpeas are the main component and therefore she can’t serve anything, but, that’s her story, she’s stickin’ it to her team to it.

At this point EvangelAss says in his opinion an unfinished dish (such as Turdle’s) is the worst one and should therefore be presented first. Team Orange Julius decides to send up FahBeeOh and his Leedle Hanz Gnocchi to start with, which means Team YellowBalls needs to make a decision of who to send NOW. No one is volunteering, and when ChesTiffany suggests that Turdle go, she flat-out refuses, claiming that she needs more time to get her goddamned chickpeas softened up…

Team YellowBitches

Instead of holding to their strategy and insisting that Turdle be the one to present, hard chickpeas or not, Bunny Foo Foo suddenly caves in and agrees to go first, much to EvangelAss’ puzzlement, “What are you dooooing? Jamie has the worst dish!” Well, it’s too late now, cuz the game is on, and it looks like Turdle has won the first round by once again weaseling her way out of competing!

First Scar introduces us to tonight’s special Guest Judge…

someone who is actually involved in tennis

Except he’s not anymore cuz he’s retired (something about a recurring back and groin injury, poor thing). Besides Dent-Head we have Scar and Daddy Tom, Tobama and Gail Simmons! They decide to start with FahBeeOh…

hopefully he used a regular box grater for the cheese this time

He’s followed by Bunny Foo Foo and her dusty grain dish…

which would most likely dent steel if dropped from a great height

Dent-Head says he thought the gnocchi tasted fantastic and he likes the fact that the Fabster used less of the pork in his dish. Scar says Foo Foo’s dish is definitely the heavier one of the two so she also chooses FahBeeOh. Daddy Tom says he never had a whole-wheat gnocchi that had any flavor before, so he’s with the others on the Fab Train, and Team Orange Julius wins the first point, much to Foo Foo’s dismay…

fifteen-love, bitch

FahBeeOh’s running and screaming all over the court in a completely non-stereotypically Italian manner (I’m shocked he didn’t break out into “O Sole Mio”). Meanwhile, Team YellowBalls is feeling uneasy because they wanted to give the first point away, but with their worst dish. Then again, maybe they have.

Ah, but all is not rainbows and kittens over at Team Orange Julius. You see, TurkeyHair is now bitter because they it had been decided that he was to go second, but then Dung v2.0 insisted that his dumplings were dying and he needed to go next. TurkeyHair is super-upset because he was already half-way plated, and decides to get pissy, “Fucking bullshit. You should’ve spoke up before we decided that I was gonna go next… that’s all I got to say!” Then he throws his spatula down and stomps off like a 4-year-old with a bad case of Bedhead…

Team Orange Jealious’s battle-cry is now officially “Meow!”

Team YellowBalls is deciding to chuck their strategy and just try to flat-out win, so they’re sending Bitchani to go up against Dung v2.0. Turdle remains happily in the background, still pretending trying to cook her chickpeas and retracting her head into her body as much as possible to avoid being noticed. Dung v2.0 leads off…

ugh, his Auntie Mame Dumplings look like ruptured runny eggs

His shrinking mess is followed quickly by Bitchani’s…

is it soup? is it salad? it’s a soulad!

Daddy Tom says they’re both strong dishes. Gail loves Bitchani’s sea bass for it’s refreshing lightness, but Scar decides she likes Dung v2.0′s dumplings better. Daddy Tom votes for Bitchani’s vinaigrette, and Tobama backs him up on that, so she takes Round Two, making it fifteen-all…

“La, la-la, laaaa laaaaa, I’m not go-ing ho-oooome!”

As Dung v2.0 swears and scuttles back to the Team Orange Furious side (avoiding TurkeyHair’s angry stares as he prepares to serve), Team YellowBalls decides to send up OranJello, who calls out “Bring it on, Marcie!”…

it’d be awesome if he beat TurkeyHair at the Spit-Foam and Zjhelayyy Game™

TurkeyHair’s dish looks surprisingly clunky and fug…

and topping it off with a hemorrhoid isn’t exactly appetizing, either

Dent-Head thinks they’re both great, so I guess he’s wimping out. Daddy Tom, on the other hand, says the cream in TurkeyHair’s dish masked the taste of the tuna, so he’s choosing OranJello. Tobama and Gail also pick the Citrus One, so now it’s 30-15 in favor of Team YellowBalls. OranJello and Lunch Tray decide to celebrate…

with a quickie on the court

Naturally TurkeyHair is pissed off, claiming that OranJello always plates stuff on a spoon. Which has fuckall to do with how his food tastes. And it’s not like The Citrus One uses spit-foam and gelées on, like, every single dish…

it’s only lazy and asinine and irritating when other people are repetitive, right?

Meanwhile, over at Team YellowBalls, the Turdle finally makes her strategy clear, “I’m happy that Angelo won. It’s nice to get two points in a row. I’m hoping that we’ll just nip it in the bud and I won’t have to go at all, which would be nice for me…”

selfish. fucking. bitch.

How dare she say “we’ll nip it in the bud.” as if she had anything to do with anything happening on that court. Yeah, so it’s time to choose someone to go up and present. Team Orange Julius decides to send LowFatSo, and when OranJello suggests either ChesTiffany or Turdle go up against her for Team YellowBalls, Turdle just shrugs and doesn’t move or say a word. With time running out ChesTiffany decides to jump in and go.

It’s at this point that the ugly spectre of OranJello’s Sly Sabotaging Ways (Is He Or Isn’t He?) arises again. This time Bitchani’s the one taking special notice that he “has his hands in everyone’s dish” and wants him to stop. It’s not really totally clear, but it appears that the team as a group is helping some of these people plate (with Bitchani and EvangelAss both right up in the middle of things, too) and the only thing I saw OranJello doing was to use a cloth to neaten spilled components off of the Judges’ plates. Could he have fucked with the food with the cameras hovering around? I suppose, but a) I think he knows he’d be booted if he got caught, and b) he is too much of a driven-to-win kind of guy to want to throw a challenge and c) I still say this bullshit is fueled by the other chefs feeling intimidated by his obvious skills. it’s too bad none of them realize that the real sabotage is going on a few feet away in a pot full of suspiciously hard-cooking chickpeas. Oh well, let’s see how ChesTiffany’s dish works out…

mmmmm, it looks like it’s just laying there after it shit itself

It looks like LowFatSo’s calling a Battle Of The Lentils…

does that dish description look at all familiar?

I don’t fucking believe this shit. Perhaps this is why the editors chose not to give us a closer look at LowFatSo’s QuickFire stuffing dish, because her Elimination dish has all of the exact same ingredients: Scallops (natch!), Indian Lentil Purée, Mint, Dandeloin Greens, Cilantro & Chives. I dunno about you guys, but I think that just plain sucks for someone to be lazy enough use the same exact dish twice in the same episode. What’s even more annoying is the fact that while Tobama and Scar like ChesTiffany’s dish better, Gail, Dent-Head and Daddy Tom choose LowFatSo’s Rerun Special. Well, Daddy Tom wasn’t there to eat it that morning, I’m curious if he would have called her out on it or not. Team Orange Julius snags the point and now the score is thirty-all…

congratulations, you just won by serving the Judges leftovers

After gloating over this massive wool-pullover, Team Orange Julius decides to send up BlazeHawk, and over at Team YellowBalls, it’s apparent that Turdle’s dish still isn’t ready because it’s “nothing but undercooked beans” so EvangelAss decides he will have to go up against one of the strongest players on the other team. Now, remember, EvangelAss fucked up his first batch of skrimps by overpoaching them, and he admitted that his second batch that he made in the last ten minutes before time ran out weren’t as love-filled as he wanted them to be (which just makes me shudder in all the wrong ways). However, suddenly he’s telling us that out of the blue OranJello and Bitchani “start to get very aggressive” about his dish after hearing some of the Judges’ comments regarding seasoning. At this point it appears The Citrus One suggests to EvangelAss (with Bitchani’s vocal approval, even though she just said she wanted him to keep his hands out of other people’s food) to use some of his yuzu gelée with the shrimp to heighten the flavor. EvangelAss agrees to this.

OranJello himself says he wants “to make sure that everybody’s dish is set and that the flavors are cohesive”. Ah, but EvangelAss claims “Angelo decided to add this yuzu gelée at the bottom of my bowl!”…

are you sure he didn’t put it in your shampoo bottle?

Just so we’re clear here, this is where EvangelAss was when OranJello “decided” all on his own to completely reformulate his dish…

about a boner’s-length away

At no time did he say “Stop!” or “Fuck off!” or “Quit geléeing in my soup!” No, instead he has this weaselly little nugget to add: “Angelo’s kind of like a car salesman, you don’t know if you can trust him or not, but, uh, this is not the dish that I conceptualized at all at this point.” OH, so he sold you on it, and you just couldn’t say no? Way to lay the groundwork for your eventual denial when you wind up on the bottom, asshair…

plus I see he didn’t even mention the buried yuzu

This is going up against BlazeHawk’s clever (I guess) tabbouleh knock-off…

shouldn’t it be made with cat-meat instead of lamb?

Tobama’s the first to speak and he says the proteins in both dishes were their downfall! He says BlazeHawk’s lamb was “really gamey” and EvangelAss’ skrimps were “really bland”. You will note that he did not say they “tasted like too much yuzu”. He does say the tabbouleh saved the lamb, so Blazey gets his vote. Scar agrees, as does Daddy Tom, who makes sure to tell EvangelAss he loved the soup but hated the skrimps, so now it’s 40-30, advantage Orange Julius.

Naturally this means EvangelAss is pissed off about the way his “plate-up went” (which he was right there during the middle of) and he’s even angrier that Turdle is still nowhere to be found…

wait, there she is, finally plugging in her hot-plate!

It’s match point, and Team Orange Julius has decided to send Beaker and her African LoveSoup out (which just goes to show how little faith they had in her dish that the only other person left besides her is Sexist Pigshit). Meanwhile, wishing he’d never heard of the YellowBalls, OranJello tells Turdle she has to go next, but she still whines that the chickpeas are just not cooking in this stupid pot (that she conveniently probably left the lid off of for the last 45 minutes). The rest of the team is in a quandary… serve Turdle’s undercooked chickpeas… or Lunch Tray’s Immunity-Laden dish?

If they’d been thinking clearly, they should have thrown in the towel and forced Turdle to go, knowing that they’d probably lose the match, but also secure in the knowledge that her dish was the worst and she’d most likely get sent home. Inexplicably, they decide to send in Lunch Tray. Naturally before he can plate, OranJello offers to help out, so Tray says he let him cook his fish for him… and I dunno if The Citrus One’s nerves are getting to him, but he winds up slightly overcooking it, which is bitchily (and ironically) pointed out by Turdle, Queen of Undercooking. You know, I think as punishment she should be forced to fuck Sexist Pigshit for punking out the way she has on this season challenge. Actually, that would be a pretty potent punishment for both of them, don’tcha think? Or better still, we could make them both have sex with Chaz Bono…

who looks like he could really use a good orgasm

Nah, that’d be mean to Chaz, cuz I bet Sexist Pigshit is really a big squeally bottom, and Turdle would just lay there not doing anything cuz she’s really a lazebian. In any case, let’s see how the last battle of the night goes, starting with the BeakerLoveBowl™…

made with just a pinch of BeakerBlood™

Followed by Lunch Tray’s JustDontGiveAFuckCuzIGotImmunityAndTwentyLargePlate™…

that has been obviously sabotaged by OranJello

Dent-Head says he loves Tray’s salmon dish, but Tobama and Scar both give their votes to Beaker. Then Gail says while the salmon in Tray’s dish was “a bit over”, she loved the seasoning and thought it had a nice sear. Then she says Beaker’s soup was really spicy…. but she loves spicy food so, Beaker gets the point, and scores the win for Team Orange Julius…

and gives a subtle fuckfinger salute to Team YellowBalls and wimpyass Turdle!

Lunch Tray comes stalking back towards the YellowBalls area muttering “Overcooked salmon.” to anyone who will listen, and as if it really makes any difference to him. EvangelAss is kicking himself that they didn’t stick to their plan and send out Turdle’s shitty dish first. OH, and BTW, since they didn’t get to compete, here’s what Sexist Pigshit came up with…

meh, at least it wasn’t Greek Food for a change

Even less interesting is the description that BravoTV.com had for Turdle’s shitdish…

that about covers it

Althoooough, it appears there is some kind of meat on that dish, why couldn’t she have just served that part and left the chickpeas out? OH, that’s right, because then she would have had to actually compete, and that just wasn’t in today’s plan. “I dodged a giant bullet! I think I got really lucky by not having to go up there. Four of them are in the bottom, and one of them is definitely going home, so…. I mean, I felt bad, buuuuut, it just kinda happened that way…” Yeah, let’s see how awful she feels…

too bad someone doesn’t have another giant bullet

Such. Total. Fucking. Bullshit…

also bullshit: Miss Andy pretending she’s uncomfortable talking about balls

Something that’s not bullshit? Is watching Beaker freak-dance in the Stew Room…

or maybe she’s trying to break up the latest brawl between Ronda and Juanita

Scar eventually appears and calls for FahBeeOh, Beaker, LowFatSo and BlazeHawk to join them at Judges’ Table. Gail immediately tells them that this was some of the best food they’ve been served across all seven seasons, and Scar mentions tonight’s prize is a trip to Italy! *a-boing-uh* <—— That’s the sound of FahBeeOh’s boner! In any case, BlazeHawk says their strategy was to send everyone up at random, so basically they didn’t have a strategy, just better food. Except in LowFatSo’s case, where it was just repeated food. Still can’t believe Scar didn’t call her out on that. Anyhow, the winner tonight winds up being none other than BEAKER…

LOVELOVELOVELOVELOVE

Best win yet! She gets five days and four nights to hootie-hoo her way around Italia plus a winery tour (and a big ass bottle of wine)! I hope she gets bombed off her ass, especially since her team all treated her like she was an idiot for wanting to make what she made (you will notice that Dung v2.0′s “upscale” food did not win). Beaker says she really wants to be a kid and nanny-nanny-boo-boo the others, but she’s way too classy for that so she saved it for her interview…

or she just noticed Ronda needs to change her tampon

Yeah, the applause she gets when she returns to the Stew Room and lets out her Victory Ululation™ seems decidedly half-hearted, but maybe it’s because these other people realized their snobby food just got trounced by a love soup. Then she sends Bunny Foo Foo, ChesTiffany, Lunch Tray and EvangelAss to Judges’ Table. After they leave, BlazeHawk looks directly at Turdle and says “Jamie? You got a story goin’ now.” Oooooh, Turdle’s finally fully awake for the first time this entire episode and snarls “Wait, I’m sorry Richard, but I’m trying not to be offended by your comment, what exactly is my story that’s going on here?” C’mon, Blazey, give it to her good!

cuz Miss GuiltFace NoNeck knows exactly what you’re talking about

Clearly, this is why she’s only “trying not to be offended”. But no, he backs down and stammers, “I-I’m just saying it’s an odd story here.” Seeing her way out, Turdle just shrugs and says “Why, cuz I haven’t cooked?” and BlazeHawk is like, “Yeah.” Turdle’s bitchface has reasserted itself into her usual “yeah, so what” expression. HATE. And grow some balls, BlazeHawk.

Things aren’t going any better at Judges’ Table, where EvangelAss is trying to say how their strategy was to put Team YellowBalls worst dish first. Gail looks surprised at this, “You thought Casey’s dish was the worst dish?” EvangelAss starts stuttering, and Daddy Tom has to step in and probe to find out whose dish they really thought sucked undercooked chickpeas. When he finds out it was Turdle’s, Daddy Tom points out how badly their strategy backfired on them, “If you think she had the worst dish… she’s not even up for elimination, she’s not here!” Yeah, that pretty much describes the Turdle this season. Good casting choice, Magical Elves. Wasn’t Batshit Betty or FatAss Schlubbo Mikey available for the show?…

win-win for everyone involved

Now they want to know what happened with EvangelAss’ dish, and just listen to this story he spins!… “You know, the thing about my dish, actually I had my three bowls set up, I tossed the shrimp with a little bit of a spicy salmon roe which had that saltiness and a lotta spice to it… and then all I heard was like ‘It’s gonna be too spicy’, and you know, Angelo and Tiffani just tossed my first three!” OMG, what a fucking flat-out LIAR!! Daddy Tom doesn’t seem convinced, either, so this fuckwit blabbles on, “I just got overtaken, do you know what I mean? Like, Angelo plopped on his yuzu gelée that he used for his dish…” Scar and Tobama exchange a glance, and she says “Without asking you?”…

“Welllllll, he didn’t say ‘pretty please with sugar on top’, if that’s what you’re asking…”

Now that he’s made such a serious accusation and they want details, he starts madly backpedalling, “I mean, they asked m– like, you know, it’s kinda like you’re sitting around, and they’re like ‘Let’s taste this with the yuzu and see what it does!’” Thanks, EvangelAss, but that’s not really an answer. Then Gail drops the bomb that she felt the soup was out of balance towards the sweet side. HA! Daddy Tom says his issue was that the skrimps were just so damned bland on their own. Nobody’s mentioning yuzu. Daddy Tom addresses ChesTiffany, bringing up that she was on Season Seven (that Sucked) with OranJello, reminding her off all the sabotage accusations against him back then, did she really think that’s what was going on? She admits initially she did, but looking back she realized they are all responsible for their own food going out, she would always listen to her own instincts before putting someone else’s ideas into her food.

As for ChesTiffany’s dish, Gail thought her salad was overdressed and there was something not right about the spice-rub on her tuna. Thankfully girlfriend doesn’t try to blame those things on OranJello. Lunch Tray gets nailed by Tobama for the overcooked fish, and the fact that it was oily.

“But I won the QuickFiiiiiire!”

Scar tells Bunny Foo Foo that her Farro Nightmare felt heavy, the hearty grain served with PORK was too much all at once. Foo Foo disagrees, but Daddy Tom stops her before she can get started on a diatribe, telling her she was just flat-out beat by a better dish. Dismissed.

EvangelAss goes back to the Stew Room to bitch some more about how there were “too many hands” involved in his plate-up and that he should have told them all to fuck off and let him just plate his food the way he wanted to. ChesTiffany shuts his ass up by reminding him he is still responsible for his own food…

you know, provided you actually cooked some

Well, we know Lunch Tray isn’t going home cuz of his immunity, so it’s between Bunny Foo Foo, ChesTiffany and EvangelAss… and tonight’s rightful loozah is EvangelAss, who smiles ruefully for the judges, but interviews that he got both fucked and screwed…

oh, you wish scruffofug

He’s still angry that OranJello “screwed up” his dish (by not cooking the skrimps properly… oh wait, that wasn’t OranJello) and that Turdle didn’t cook anything at all (no argument there). Also, thanks to commenter LAC who posted this link to an interview with EvangelAss in which he makes even more outrageous claims, such as alleging someone else wanted to go home in his place. Right. The best part is, as he leaves, Bunny Foo Foo and the other chefs are all sitting around and agreeing that everyone just has to be in charge of their own dishes. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Well, there we are! What did you think of this episode? Should Turdle have still gone up for Elimination even though she didn’t serve her crapfood? Is Sexist Pigshit guilty of the same thing? Do you believe OranJello was deliberately trying to fuck with EvangelAss’ food? And what about Lunch Tray, should he have just not competed at all?

I want to thank everybody for their patience with this recap, and for taking time out to read. Since there was no new show this past Wednesday, there won’t be a new recap until sometime next year. HAHA, kidding, it’ll be up next weekend. I hope you guys all have a fun and exciting (or at least drunken and sex-filled) New Year’s Eve. 2010 was great fun for recapping here at the ‘Gasm, and I appreciate everybody who stopped by and dropped some comment bitchlove, you know I live for it…

love, J-Mo