Top Chef: Season Seven Sux

Hey there, hoes! I’m back from my weekender in L.A. where Flipit and I had a chance to meet up, get drunk and close down the Gold Coast on Santa Monica Boulevard, which is nicknamed “The Old Coast” by the locals due to the fact that it’s often filled with desperately penniless younger men and semi-well-to-do-dirty-older ones. And no, we do not fit into that latter category, we just like to go there because it makes us feel special. Anyhow, after the bartenders shoved us out the door (it took all of them) we staggered back to Flipit’s place where we proceeded to do facials and watch Survivor and drink some more and even though I woke up the next morning feeling like I had been reincarnated as a taxicab floormat, it was a super-fun time and I did not once think about the finale of Top Chef…

or if I did, I mercifully don’t remember it

However, now I’m back home and sitting here with this damned DVD in the computer and realizing there’s no more putting it off, we have to talk about this goddamned Season Finale full of bullshit editing and “shocking” surprises and general bitchery….

First of all, we start exactly where we left off last week, Miss Swan has just been sent back to the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon, and the Final Three are fake-congratulating each other on having made it to the end of this whole Keeblerfest. JerseyMoobs is happy, but already whining about how tired he is and that he needs to go to bed. This makes a perfect segue for Scar to jump out from behind the door and tell them that they are all wanted back at Judges’ Table, even MassholEd, who suddenly looks way more nervous than the other two…

“Fuuuuck, they found out the banana fritter recipe was printed on the box of Bisquick!”

Instead of giving MassholEd a righteously justified amount of shit for that dickwad of a dish, Scar says that because they want them to have as much time as possible to prepare, they’re going to find out about their final Elimination Challenge right now. It’s no surprise that after the uproar over last year’s stupid “mystery box” crap (that helped knock DirtyBear out of the winning spot) they’re not using any gimmicks this time, the chefs simply have to cook the best four course meal they’ve ever made in their liiiiiiives. I wonder what was going on in their heads at the moment they heard about the challenge?…

“I’m making Shit-On-A-Shingle and they’re gonna love it or I’ll beat the fuck out of somebody.”

“Did she just say we had to lip-synch for our lives??!? My head hurts.”

“So long, suckahs, that zero-star NY Times review of my restaurant is months in the future and by then it will be too late!”

Ahhh, but they don’t quite have as much freedom as we first thought, because now Scar’s telling them their first course must be a vegetable course, second course will be fish, third course has to be meat… and here Daddy Tom says that he and Erique The Rippert will be getting up “very early in the morning” to go shopping at the market to pick out their proteins for them. He sounds like he expects gushing praise from them for this major sacrifice… or at least a cookie. When he realizes neither of those things is forthcoming from anyone, he makes a lame-ass joke about how he hears chilled monkey brains are in season right now…

oh, if only someone had the balls, this show would be fun again

Then Miss Gail Simmons pipes up that because desserts have always been a bit of a “controversy” on TC, they’re leaving no room for doubt, their fourth course must be a dessert. Now the smirk has been wiped clean off of MassholEd’s face, and it has made its way over to JerseyMoobs’ mug instead. He says he’s super comfortable eating making desserts since his wife is a pastry chef and both of his parents are bakers. That’s really great for him, but I bet you a skillion dollars that if someone else had that advantage he’d be the one on my screen right now whining about how unfair it all is.

Oh well, moving on, Scar says they’ve brought in some help for their shopping, cooking and prepping. I was expecting to see Miss Swan, ChesTiffany and Bloody Mandy come sashaying out looking all fabulous and bitterly angry, but no, instead we see…

a conga line of nose-picking Top Shits Chefs!

Yes, it would appear that the Magical Elves have decided to torture us with the Dickiest Of Dicks from all past six seasons of Top Chef because they’ve brought back Illyawn (winner of Season 2), Dung (winner of Season 3), and the King Of The TwatPimples… Li’l Volt (winner of the far far far far FAR superior Season 6 that rightfully belonged to cutiepie DirtyBear Kevin Gillespie). Yes, I am still bitter.

Well, guess what? You know how Moobsie was complaining and whining a few episodes ago about how he hadn’t yet had the chance to cook with Master Chefs like the other chefs have done? Well, it turns out that’s not quite true, because he and Li’l Volt have actually worked together before and are buddies from long ago. Moobsie definitely wants Li’l Volt as his crutch sous chef. Luckily for us all, these past nine months we haven’t really seen much of Li’l Volt…

and his same old I-smell-catshit expression

 

You would think that having had nine whole months to watch back Season 6 (and absorb what a dickface he came off as) that the man would have tried to learn how to stop making those bitchfaces all the time, but nope, Li’l Volt’s still pretty much still sold on his own awesomeness. At least he’s almost human-colored again. Anyhow, Scar also reintroduces Dung and Illyawn, and while OranJello is creaming his panties over the thought of being paired with Dung (due to their “VERY similar cooking styles” and, of course, because they’re both Asians) it’s somewhat not surprising that MassholEd goes on to say that he’s actually hoping to be paired up with Li’l Volt as well…

some hatred never dies

I can’t believe I ever was rooting for this smarmy little fuckstick, but then again, when you remember the alternative from that season…

some hatred gets stronger

Although I must admit that Marcel TurkeyHair’s rapping was almost as hysterically bad as Joaquin Phoenix’s. Anyhow, the Knife Block is trotted out and MassholEd’s the first to pick… and he gets… Illyawn.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

To be honest, Illy doesn’t look all that thrilled to be having to work with Mr. Sculpt-A-Brow, either. MassholEd says he doesn’t know much about the gently ballooning Illyawn except that he won Top Chef Season 2 so “there’s no reason not to respect him.” At least, MassholEd hasn’t thought of one, yet… give it time. Like about ten minutes. Anyhow, JerseyMoobs is next, and he draws Li’l Volt…

now we can really have a toast to the douchebags

This means that OranJello got his wish and will be paired with Dung, and he couldn’t be happier as he says (with a remarkable lack of self-consciousness): “We’re in Asia, I’m in the finals… and I get Hung!” Awww, shucks, it’s nice to see that getting Hung makes The Citrus One feel good…

I bet it makes him feel tall, too

That’s the last time he’s going to feel this good for the next few days. In any case, Scar asks C3PToh if he has any last advice for the Finalists, and he certainly does: “Suck it to me!” WTF??!? OH, sorry, his Singaporean accent got in my way, he meant “Sock it to me!” Hey, everybody else was laughing, too, it wasn’t just me!

In any case, they all head back to the Hilton to get drunk to know each other some more. It’s about this time that OranJello says he’s really starting to feel like crap, and he winds up going to bed early. Dung helpfully advises he drink some ginger tea and then offers to go give him a happy ending rubdown with some essential oils he just happened to bring with him, but The Citrus One is so worried about making a good first impression on the Top Chefs that he doesn’t take him up on it. Instead he says goodnight and goes to sleep. After he leaves, the rest of them sit around chatting for a bit, and Illyawn starts spouting advice, telling them not to do anything new or try and be crazy, just be themselves. Oh, and cook only Spanish food if you can swing it. Shut up, Illyawn, your record isn’t exactly stellar (as we will see later on).

MassholEd tells us he had no doubt at all that he would make it to the Finals, he even told Daddy Unibrow at the very beginning not to worry about it, that he’d be there for sure. Of course, this means that Moobsie has to tell us that winning Top Chef isn’t just about him… it’s about his wife, his kids, his dad, his dead mother, his in-laws, his college bestie, his grade school teachers, his dog, his landlord, his penis and the homeless guy that lives by the dumpster at his restaurant (which hasn’t garnered exactly glowing reviews, either). I hate it when reality show people say shit like “Oh, I’m here to win this for a bunch of other people”, because it’s just a pile of stupid lies and a lame attempt at coming off a selfless saint. Well fuck that, I say tell the truth and shame the devil, JerseyMoobs, your fat ass is there because you want to win $125,000.00 and to make people stop laughing at your man-tits by having some bragging rights. It’s not wrong to want that. It is wrong to try and tell us that you’re somehow more deserving of a win because you’re doing it for pseudo-altruistic reasons. Meanwhile, OranJello says…

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

The next morning as Moobsie and MassholEd have breakfast, they exposit that The Citrus One isn’t looking good at all. If I were OranJello I’d be racking my brains and trying to remember if either of those two ever brought me something to eat or drink, and inbetween bouts of puking I’d be looking for empty Visine bottles in the trash.

It doesn’t sound good, either, as OranJello croaks he can barely open his eyes and says it feels like someone is stabbing him in the stomach. The other two (especially JerseyMoobs) lie and claim they really want him to get better because they want to compete against “the best”, but you can’t tell me they’re not the least bit excited by the thought of having him out of the picture, or better still, going up against Miss Swan instead.

They call in Doctor Chee, who gravely listens to The Citrus One’s list of complaints (pukey, stabby, fevery, etc) and offers to give him some medication that may help… but he can’t guarantee it will shorten the duration of the illness. OranJello’s face falls, especially when Dr. Cheeto tells him just to get rest and have lots of fluids. He makes it even worse when he says that as of now he gives about a 20% chance that Citrus be well enough to cook…

fuuuuuuuck

Ugh, this time I really am getting a bad feeling. Let’s go to commercial…

1-800-ABCDEFG

So OranJello stays in bed while MassholEd and JerseyMoobs head on down to the Asian Hiltchen to meet up with Daddy Tom and Erique Le Rippert (plus Dung, Li’l Volt and Illyawn) and Daddy Tom breaks the news that The Citrus One ain’t joining them cuz he’s sick (DUH) so today Dung will just do the shopping and prep work and consult with OranJello via phone. If he’s still sick by the next day, well, they’ll deal with it then.

JerseyMoobs interviews about how crazy it is that OranJello’s not there, and he just can’t quite keep the smile off his face when he considers that perhaps The Citrus One is out of the competition…

“I’m so thrille– I mean, upset about it.”

Naturally this means that MassholEd has to chime in and act as if OranJello’s being a big baby for feeling ill, “Listen, it’s $125,000.00. That’s a pretty good incentive. Whatever’s going on in your body, tell your body, say ‘Fuck you… get out of the bed!’”…

“Or do what I do with bad feelings… put more food on top of them.”

Bitch, please! I’m sure that’s exactly who you want cooking for you, a chef who’s nauseous. And lest we forget, there’s also the possibility of making all of the diners sick, too (although I would pay good money to see Scar bolting for the bathroom). Anyhow, let’s get back to Daddy Tom and Le Rippert, because we’re about to see what kind of crazy proteins they bought…

pleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease

Nope, instead they bought some “rouget”, which is also known as “Red Mullet”…

sadly, not this kind

They also got some cuttlefish, which looks very squidlike, and some cockles, which don’t look very cocklike at all. Boo. Lastly, they bought “sleepair lobstairs” which are much flatter than the kind you get at Red Lobster (and probably not nearly as overcooked). Ugh, this stuff is boring as fuck. MassholEd no likey either, because he says with red mullet there are a zillion pin bones you have to remove and wah wah wah, right about now he just wants to be handed the title. Suck it, Ed.

For meat, Daddy slaps down some pork belly and a giant dead duck…

this is what’s gonna happen to your show if you don’t start casting better, Daddy

Daddy Tom reminds them their first course is vegetable, second course is the rouget, and third course is the duck, but they have to incorporate the rest of the proteins into their dishes as well. Moobsie thinks that it’s really great that everyone has to cook with the same ingredients, claiming this will really let everyone’s “creativity” shine through. I think he’s really afraid someone else with better imagination could easily come up with more interesting ingredients and dishes than he can. Someone whose name rhymes with KoranJello.

Anyhow, they’re given $300 and an hour to go shop at the Singaporean version of Whole Paycheck Market…

“vivo” is obviously a Mandarin word for “overpriced”

The shopping sequence is surprisingly just as boring overseas as it is at home. JerseyMoobs says he’s going to listen to what Li’l Volt has to say, but still has plans to do what he wants to do. Zzzzzzzz. On the other hand, Illyawn is making sure to annoy the fuck out of MassholEd with his Illyawnic suggestions, saying shit like “I feel like there needs to be something richer going on in the soup…” and “Try not to overthink it…” and “When I beat Marcel using saffron and paprika…” MassholEd says he’s not about to make a bad decisions like people have in past seasons where the Finalists have actually listened to the sous-chefs (Beaker Carla and Casey Bunny Foo Foo, anyone?) and he decides to put Illyawn in his place by reminding him “You are my sous-chef, actually, right?” Illyawn agrees and says MassholEd can tell him what to do and he’ll do it. He then pulls out a ball-gag and says he also likes to be lightly slapped and degraded when he’s bottoming. MassholEd throws up all over the Chinese corn. Meanwhile, Dung calls OranJello and they have a great little chat while The Citrus One dry-heaves the list of ingredients he wants and the ideas he’s got. Aaaaand the shopping is done. Thankfully.

Back at the Hiltchen, they’ve got 3 hours to prep, and OranJello could not have a better sous-chef, because I have yet to see a chef that works as quickly and accurately as Dung does (KennEgo only thinks he’s the Speed Demon of this set, but his ass is a half-dead sloth compared to the Dungster). He’s also quick to snag ingredients, such as the only loaf of foie gras, which pisses off the others, eckspecially MassholEd who wanted to use it for stuffing his duck necks. He thinks a whole loaf of fois gras for tasting portions of one dish is excessive and blames The Citrus One… “Even though he’s sick, I gotta watch out for Angelo“. Um, yeah, except it was Dung who took it all and isn’t sharing. And I love him for it…

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Finally, as they really get started, JerseyMoobs is already ripping off ideas from Li’l Volt formulating his menu…

simultaneously making my crotch uncomfortable…

…and my stomach turn

I’m sure he’s not really picking his nose there, it’s just a nostril itch. At least, that’s what I tell people when they catch me doing it. Let’s move on to MassholEd’s menu ideas…

seasoned with the usual sprinkling of scalp-sweat

wrestling with long duck dong

Well well well, it looks like Mr. I’m King Of Da Kitchen is taking the backseat on one crucial thing: “I’m gonna let Ilan do the dessert.” He’s certainly proud of his winning box-suggestion banana fritter from last week, but doesn’t think that’s good enough to win Top Chef. What was that part he said before about doing things his way and not really listening to the sous-chefs? Apparently that doesn’t extend to someone who can make a date cake from scratch. Without a prefabricated mix and a box-recipe.

Meanwhile, back in the hotel room, Dr. Cheeto is back and suggesting to OranJello that he get an antibiotic injection, even though he only gives it a 3% chance of working. Plus, guess where he has to take it?…

Moobsie and MassholEd woulda just gone home

The Citrus One does like every other virgin gayboy learns to: he sucks it up and rolls over to bite the pillow. He also foolishly believes the man behind him when he tells him it’s just going to be a little prick, and that it will be over quickly…

lies, alllll lies

Then he goes right back to sleep, missing Dung’s call from the Hiltchen. Let’s go back to commercial…

exactly how not shocked are we to find out Bethenny Frankel has drag queen heels in her closet?

The next day, Dr. Cheeto returns, and after examining OranJello declares his fever is gone and he’s okay to cook! Its amazing! And magical! Especially the way MassholEd and JerseyMoobs look so disappointed that The Citrus One is back on his feet again. Let’s go back to the Hiltchen for the final three hours of prep time this season! Yayyyyy!

I’d tell you what Moobsie and Li’l Volt are saying, but it’s nothing but a series of bleeps because their fucking mouths are so goddamned filthy. I’d tell you what Illyawn and MassholEd are saying, but my head keeps bonking the keyboard whenever I try (plus, it’s pretty much more of the same “Ilan had his season, this is my season, he’s working for me!” crap). Perhaps MassholEd should actually follow his own bullshit and be a little more proactive here, because Illyawn just suggested making a sea-salt flavored whipped cream for the dessert! Blurk. In any case, I’d tell you what Dung and OranJello are saying, except after Dung brought him up to speed, they’re not really talking, they’re just working their skinny butts off.

OH yeah, and JerseyMoobs takes great pride in telling us that he believes the judges are going to be able to tell he’s taking risks, “They haven’t seen anything like this from me, other than Singapore…”…

“…and that has nothing at all to do with Li’l Volt suddenly being in the mix!”

Please, this shit is looking shady already. Let’s not forget, this is the guy who claimed he knew how to make Puerto Rican food (because his family is Puerto Rican) and then proceeded to grill some of the blandest Puerto Rican food the panel of Judges had ever tasted! If his food suddenly takes a huge leap in presentation and execution then I’m gonna cry foul. Plus, I refuse to believe for a second that he “worked with” Li’l Volt. I suspect it was more of a “worked for” kind of situation. In fact, Li’l Volt as much as confirms this when he complains about how he misses the way it was in the old days when he filleted the fish and Moobsie was the one stuck pulling the bones out. Moobsie just giggles. Hahaha, live it up while you can, sugartits, this situation will never be repeated.

So here’s how OranJello’s over-the-phone-planned manu turned out…

he damn well better not put that spoon back in whatever it is he’s tasting!

too late, looks like the cameraman tasted the food, too

liver marshmallows? ummmmmmm

at least dessert sounds good, if a tad simple

I’m not so sure about his menu, the first course seems to be more about showcasing the noodle technique, which isn’t exactly a vegetable. I guess we just have to trust in the Power Of Citrus and he’ll pull through. Or fail miserably, either way. At least you know he really wants it when he says he’s willing to sacrifice “every part” of himself to get it…

while wearing his air-brushed baby-tee and his Madonna rosary

Life is a mystery. After some final trash talking about each other’s food, time finally runs out (for the last time, Praise Jeezus) and today’s final group of diners and Judges includes (of course) Daddy Tom, Scar, Gail Simmons, Erique Le Rippert, C3PToh and Da Cow, plus special guests Susan Feniger (a.k.a. ChicleTeeth from Top Chef Masters Season 2), Paul Bartolotta (a.k.a. LottaButt from the “Vegeterrorism” episode of the Awesome Season Six) and David Chang (whom JerseyMoobs lusciously calls a “stud”).

Let’s start with the first course…

OranJello’s seems almost anti-vegetarian

while JerseyMoobs’ seems very Li’l Volt artistic

and guess who ran right back to the deep-fryer?

A chubby Asian dude (improbably named Iggy Chan) says he gives OranJello credit for “daring to be extreme” in terms of his flavors, while a pretty food author named Su-Lyn Tan says the dish is extremely indicative of the tastes Singaporeans enjoy in their local noodles. Daddy Tom admits that The Citrus One knows the cuisine of Asia, but that the dish “needs work”. Damn.

Meanwhile, ChicleTeeth says JerseyMoobs’ dish doesn’t have enough “umph” for her (and this is a fatal mistake, you never want to leave a lesbiana without enough “umph” to get her through) but the ever-studly David Chang says he likes it because “it takes a lot of balls” to do a veggie terrine…

and I bet those balls smell like Li’l Volt

Eh, I guess that’s what we can expect from someone who names their company MoMoFuckYou (sorry, you can’t tell me he didn’t think at all about crass Western interpretations when he came up with that one). ChicleTeeth just laughs at him because she doesn’t care about anything that takes balls. In any case, a scruffy French guy named Vincent Bourdin (not related to Anthony Bourdain) says he liked MassholEd’s veloute best, and Le Rippert agrees with his countryman. However, Daddy Tom is complaining that all of the dishes showed a certain amount of restraint, and LottaButt agrees that they are not “overreaching” (like his fat ass is in that skinny chair).

Back in the kitchen, OranJello’s trying hard to stay hydrated while he’s running around, but he still feels punky. It doesn’t help when MassholEd smirkily says “So now you’re not sick anymore, huh?” The Citrus One snaps back with “Sick of your attitude.” You go, boyfriend! Let’s do this fish course…

yay for snot soup!

boo for food that looks like sliced vagina!

and I don’t have a fucking clue what to say about this mess, I’m about out of synonyms for “shitty”

Holy Disconnected Components, Buttman! It almost looks like he was trying to make Dumb Sim. Well, Da Cow pipes up that she finds Moobsie’s dish interesting and that his mullet is nicely cooked. Another Asian guy (named Willin Low) says the combination of the pork belly with squid ink is not something he would have ever dreamed of combining, but they work really well together. A hundred twenty-five grand says Moobsie didn’t dream it up, either. Then C3PToh says MassholEd’s dish is so complicated he needs a user manual to eat it, but he respects the work Ed put into it. As for OranJello’s dish, BIggy says it’s tasty and the broth is very nice, and LottaButt says it’s the one dish that he’ll remember from that course.

Back in the kitchen again, Li’l Volt is asking JerseyMoobs if he has a pair of “white trash tongs” to use with the deep fryer and MassholEd pretends to get offended. The irony is, him pretending to be upset by a white-trash slur is offensive to real white trash people everywhere (myself included), especially when you consider the fact that the majority of us W-Ts are born with separated eyebrows…

and opposable thumbs

Eh, he still finds time to say douchetwatty things to Illyawn, such as “Make it nice, or make it twice!” so, mini-lol. Let’s see how they do with the duck course…

perhaps a shot of cherry cough syrup was not such a smooth idea for a “palate cleanser”

this just looks like a pair of the Green Giant’s panties after he wet himself

and is that one of those “duck white kidneys” (a.k.a. duck balls)?

Pretty little Su-Lyn Tan Lady says she liked Moobsie’s ravioli because of it’s textural contrast, and LottaButt pipes up to say he thinks JerseyMoobs’ duck was the best cooked out of all three. Le Rippert says eet eez eentairaysteeng whud he deed weez zee buck choyee, eez nize how hee cahramailyze eet, and C3PToh agrees it was very crever idea….

almost as clever as having a stylist when you’re gonna be on TV… GAIL

She must just have that knack for finding the fuggest in sleeveless blouses on either side of the Pacific. Anyhow, ChicleTeeth says she loved OranJello’s dish, the ginger salad, the foie gras and the touch of cinnamon. LottaButt agrees, but says the one thing that didn’t belong was the cherry shooter, he’s totally not even sure what it’s there for. I guess he didn’t hear The Citrus One’s instructions to use it as a “palate cleanser”. Then again, there were probably 43 other steps to eating that dish, so I guess I can’t blame him for glazing over during the seminar on how to navigate this course. Meanwhile, Scar says she loves the flavors in MassholEd’s duck, and the greens are nice and bright (even though it looks like he boiled the fuck out of them) and another Asian dude says he’s impressed by Ed’s attention to detail and layering. There are subtle shades of dickbagginess, you know.

Last time back in the kitchen, and MassholEd’s complaining that illyawn “could have gotten a little more intricate with the cake…”

hate to say it, but he’s right, those look just like Ho-Hos

Then again, that’s what you get when you “turn the dessert over” to someone else. Shoulda made more banana fritters, dude. Or, you know, thought up a dessert before you came to Singapore. Also, he’s worried that Illyawn’s sea-salt whipped cream might be a “little too salty” for the judges. Gee, that’s weird that putting sea-salt in stuff might make it taste, um, salty. I think Evil Dessert™ has just struck again and murdered yet another cheftestant’s dreams of becoming Top Chef. Dumbass. Let’s go to commercial…

Dear TheLaurenYouLov: stop abusing the word ‘cute’

Okay, time for disappointment dessert..

crap, to this very day that word makes me think of a caterwauling homeless singer-songwriter with a wonky tooth

crap, that looks damned good (leave it to the fat ass to nail dessert)

crap, I think MassholEd just lost Top Chef

It’s interesting to note that on BravoTV.com, the actual description of this dessert is as follows…

which one do you believe? Illyawn taking credit… or MassholEd placing blame?

Naturally, because her new show deals with Just Desserts, Gail gets all superior-sounding and proclaims there is more to JerseyMoobs’ dessert than meets the eye. Duh, he only said there was shit hidden down inside of it. Pay attention, Gail. Willowy Asian dude likes that Moobsie decided to kiss up and reinterpret the Singapore Sling, and BIggy thinks he’s just created a “national dessert”. I just created poopies at the thought that JerseyMoobs made something tasty.

Gail says OranJello’s dessert was “comforting” and David Chang thinks it’s tasty, too, but sweet little Su-Lyn Tan Lady thinks it’s a little confusing because it borders on becoming a savory dish instead of sweet. I don’t see anybody spitting it out, though, so that’s a positive sign.

Not such a positive sign is Willowy Asian dude saying he wishes MassholEd had given his cake a little twist (or some thought). On the other hand, David Chang thinks its “hilarious” (because it looks like a turd?) and Gail says it took “some cojones” to present something like this. David Chang agrees, “It’s sort of like a ‘fuck you’…”

but not enough to be considered a MOMOFUKU, right?

LottaButt says it was warm and delicious… and then he ate the salty cream and he was like “Are you kidding me?” Daddy Tom disagrees and says he likes the salty cream…

and now gay bears all over the country have just made you a fresh batch, Daddy

Gail tries to make it out like all three of them did a great job with dessert and “broke the curse” but I think she’s just following the Magical Elves’ dictum that they pretend this season didn’t suck duck dick through a krazy straw. Still, they get a nice round of applause from the diners when they come out after the end of Service.

Last time at Judges’ Table. They start with OranJello’s seafood course, Gail says it was smart of him to bring a dish he was obviously familiar with and liked that he also embraced the local ingredients. Le Rippert sez hiz addeeshon of zose vajaytayballs waz eentreegeeng an brought teggsture too dee deesh. However, when they move on to the duck course, Scar wants to know why he called the gloopy cherry shooter a “palate cleanser” when in actuality it “coated every corner” of her mouth…

thereby bringing back some very unpleasant memories of a certain fat writer and his gloopy shooter

Poor Scar. She will never live that shit down. Anyhow, The Citrus One says that after she had some of the cherry shit she should have gone back to the salad, which would then suddenly be magically crisp and clear. Nice try, but… FAIL. Daddy Tom sums it up: “I don’t think dishes should come with so much instruction.”

Now it’s time to talk about MassholEd’s duck dish, and Scar says his idea to stuff the duck necks was wonderful. Daddy Tom compliments him on his skill and technique, while Gail liked the flavor of his spinach greens. Ahhh, but then the Toffee Ho-Ho is brought up… Gail tries to do some damage control for him, saying the dessert was just like MassholEd (sweaty and balding?) unapologetic and ugly, but tasty. Daddy Tom completely disagrees, he says it was a dessert he could have gotten at home. At the 7-Eleven.

So what does MassholEd do? He gets whiny, “So what am I supposed to do? I wanted to make a lemon curd, but I coulda just screwed the thing up a hunnert percent and it woulda been garbage, you know?…”

um, even Daddy’s soul patch is frowning!

That flapping sound? Is $125,000.00 flying away from his pasty ass. Lastly, for JerseyMoobs veggie course, Erique Le Rippert sez hee weesh for zum zalt an a beet ov spizeeness. Moobsie immediately claims he put shaved jalapeños in there, but he removed the seeds from them. Erique immediately clocks him a good one, pointing out zat eez eggzacklee why zey wair no spizee. As for his duck dish, Gail says she’s normally not a fan of duck a l’orange, but his version really came together and worked for her. Daddy Tom thinks his quackers were nicely cooked and flavorful, and Le Rippert is curious about what was inside zee dock dompleeng. Moobsie is happy to tell about how he used ground duck and added a little pork to it, making sure to bitch (in front of the Judges) about how he originally wanted to stuff the dumplings with foie gras, but OranJello “got it all”. NO, it was Dung who took it all… The Citrus One was sick in bed. Ugh, this is the finale, do we really need any more examples of his silly little attitude towards OranJello? Just for that, I’m skipping all the praise for his “Singapore Sling 2010″ dessert, so there!

Okay, this has been one fuck of a long season, so I’m not going to drag it out any longer…

except, of course, for one last viewer poll, which is as useless as the rest of them have been

They bring the three of them out, Scar takes a long look at them all, and at first I thought this was going to be a repeat of last year’s mean-spirited elimination, because she looks straight at JerseyMoobs and says “Kevin… you are not Top Chef… please pack your knives and go.” At least, that’s what I initially heard. What she actually said was, “Kevin… you are Top Chef.” Moobsie is completely flummoxed and says “I am?”…

this is the face America made at that moment, too

Followed by a long string of cursing and harsh expletives. At least that’s how it went down in Casa J-Mo. Yes, can you believe it? JerseyMoobs snuck in and stole the win right out from under MassholEd, who doesn’t do as well hiding his disappointment as OranJello does. Maybe that’s because The Citrus One knows his illness gives him a pass here. We can only wonder how this would have turned out if he had been at full power.

I was so pissed, I could literally not believe that this is how it ends, but after reading Daddy Tom’s (BS) blog on BravoTV, he insists that Moobsie had the best food, even though the editing left it looking curiously even amongst the three (with the exception of MassholEd’s abortion of a dessert). This just seems so wrong given JerseyMoobs’ dismal track record during this entire season, and just so you guys can really see how badly he did, here’s how he stacks up next to the other Seasons…

Season 1 (Harold) – won 2 QuickFires – won 1 Elimination – Top 4 times – Bottom 2 times
Season 2 (Illyawn) – won 1 QuickFire – won 2 Eliminations – Top 1 time – Bottom 2 times
Season 3 (Dung) – won 4 QuickFires – won 1 Elimination – Top 5 times – Bottom 3 times
Season 4 (Yoda) – won 2 QuickFires – won 4 Eliminations – Top 6 times – Bottom 3 times
Season 5 (Hoser) – won 1 QuickFire – won 2 Eliminations – Top 2 times – Bottom 4 times
Season 6 (Li’l Volt) – won 2 QuickFires – won 3 Eliminations – Top 6 times – Bottom 1 time
Season 7 (JerseyMoobs) – won 1 (group) QuickFire – won 1 Elimination – Top 3 times – Bottom 5 times

So, congratulations Moobsie, you are (the worst) Top Chef (yet)! Followed closely by Hoser and Illyawn.

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Or this season? Do you agree with a JerseyMoobs win? Or should MassholEd have taken the title? Do you think Illyawn fucked him over because he was being a bitch to him? Could OranJello have taken it if he hadn’t gotten sick? Should I get drunk on just beer, or are intermittent shots of tequila a good idea? Questions, questions, questions.

As you have already seen, I am actually not going to recap Top Chef: Just Desserts, but please be sure to go give the extremely talented PottyMouth some comment love as that honor falls to her. I am taking a break for now, but I will return when Season 8 of Top Chef premieres this coming December. In the meantime, instead of ending on a downer note, here are two fun things I want to leave you guys with…

Flipit and J-Mo drunk together on Santa Monica Boulevard

Chunky and Chica after their genital-removal surgery & boy are they pissed!

Thanks again for all the comments and your patience… oh, and you’re not quite shut of me yet… there was a reunion show, so there’s one more recap left before we finally put this shit to bed.

Season Seven Sux.

love, J-Mo