Top Chef: Sux On The Beach

Hey everybody, are you still with me? I know things are gonna be tough for awhile now that Beaker has been sent back to her catering business and her cute-as-a-button husband (shout-out to the best advertisement for match.com EVAH, Mr. Hootie Hoo!) but we have to hold on and support each other through these terrible times. I know that when bad things happen you may want to do something self-destructive, such as stay indoors all day wearing the same Fruit Of The Loom™ shorts and t-shirt for days on end, eating nothing but Ritz™ crackers with Easy Cheese™ and getting slowly bombed on Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel™. Or maybe that’s just how I’m handling it. Also, you may have noticed my abuse of the Trademark Symbol™ goes way up when I’m depressed. But we can’t do that to ourselves, ‘Gasmii! Like it or not, at some point we’re going to have to hoist ourselves off of the crumb-encrusted couch, peel off these disgusting undies, burn them, take a shower and then go find something else to be depressed about…

aaaaand…. found it

I can’t decide what’s worse: the fact that Sexist Pigshit McManBoobs here is still on Top Chef… or the fact that I look exactly like him with my shirt off. Ugh, I’ll be right back, I need to go ransack the couch cushions for spare change so I can go buy me some more Arbor Mist. In any case, I highly suspect that the inclusion of a topless SexPig in tonight’s episode is the Magical Elves’ attempt to get a Water Cooler Moment™ out of it all…

not to mention the powerful feeling that comes from knowing you forced America to make this face

Oh yeah, tonight’s episode also gives us Scar wearing a bikini (zzzzz)…

clearly whoever writes photo captions for bravotv.com doesn’t understand the network’s demographic at all

Nevertheless, it’s time to gayman up and move on into the Beakerless void that is now Top Chef. But first… in the immediate Aftermath, the chefs are sitting stunned in the Stew Lounge listening to default-winner Sexist Pigshit blather inanely insincere compliments about Beaker…

and silently wishing he’d STFU

SexPig sounds completely hollow and scripted saying how great of a chef he thinks Beaker is and how she was “the mother of everyone”. If that’s true, then I bet we can guess which kid she wishes she’d aborted…

I guess the 139th trimester is a little too late to change your mind

ChesTiffany’s upset because Beaker was her bestie and she’s sad to see her bug-eyed sistah bounce. LowFatSo, on the other hand, is still pretty rattled by the whole fryer-fire ordeal and says she’s totally second-guessing everything she does. Meanwhile, BlazeHawk (who really should be sixth- and seventh-guessing his stupid hairstyles) is grilling the gyrlz about what went down at Judges’ Table before Beaker got axed, and LowFatSo smartly remains vague, saying the gist of it all was “step up your dishes”. Good move, LowFatSo… no need to give Blazey any more ammo (such as specific cooking flaws) that he can use to fuck with your head.

And speaking of fuckers, now that he has the worldly weight of a single Elimination win behind him, Sexist Pigshit begins to act like he’s some sort of culinary ninja, loftily opining that the Judges “don’t want the classics”, but are instead looking for them all to “evolve their food”. Because the world has been waiting with baited breath for chicken covered in spit-foam.

The next morning, over at The Stove At Flat Mantis (where you and I could never stay unless we won the lottery, and maybe not even then) we see that BlazeHawk has covered his stupid hair-do…

with an even stupider hat

Well, it is the Bahamas, and anyone’s ears would be likely to feel a chill in their wintry 80+ degree weather. Anyhow, as if watching BlazeHawk’s continued denial of Midlife Crisis wasn’t annoying enough, it was starting to look like we were going to also be assaulted with the sight of Sexist Pigshit’s nipples, but thankfully that is one disaster that was averted this week. In the next scene the chefs are leaving for the day’s challenge, which BlazeHawk guesses will entail “cooking with not enough time and not enough equipment…” Sexist Pigshit helpfully adds “in the middle of nowhere” to that shit-list. Looks like we’re not the only ones tired of the Elves’ meddling ways.

They mosey on over to the Bahamian Club, which is apparently one of Flat Mantis’ restaurants, and waiting for them there is Scar and today’s guest judge Lorena Garcia, who just happens to be a judge on Top Chef’s NBC sister-show, which Flipit calls America’s Next Great Applebee’s…

and the icy non-love between the two of them is palpable

KIDDING! They don’t seem to really dislike each other, I’m just starting shit for no reason cuz that’s what us gays do. Watch any episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race and you’ll see I’m right. In any case, there are two giant stacks of dishes on the prep table, and Scar says today’s QuickFire is all about consistency and precision… and she pointedly elaborates “Anyone can get lucky and make a memorable dish just once… but a great chef makes that dish exactly the same every time…”

wonder who that little dig is directed at?

Then she says they have to divide themselves into pairs. BlazeHawk and SexPig immediately (and frantically) choose each other to avoid getting contaminated with vaginal auras. PigShit tries to make us believe this choice isn’t completely sexist, interviewing that although LowFatSo is his cousin and he’d like to work with her, she is still known as the “Black Hammer” who sends people home every time they get on a team with her. And speaking of hammered, I’m opening another bottle of this fabulous Arbor Mist White Zin and starting on my second spray-can of American cheese today. What? Today is the first day of Spring! Or the Jewish holiday Purim. Take your pick, I’m gonna celebrate both at the same time with my wine and cheese. Cheers! *ting* *sssshhhppppbbllfffbblt*

Where was I? Oh yeah, the QuickFire Challenge! *urp* Each team has to make 100 identical dishes within one hour…

and thankfully no deep fat fryers will be used

The stacks of plates are numbered, and Scar says that she and LorAnal will choose randomly from amongst them to decide which plates to taste. Winner gets $5,000.00 from Arbor Mist Terlato Winery. Loser has to wash all 200 plates by hand. KIDDING, they don’t, but wouldn’t it be fun to watch Sexist Pigshit getting a raging case of dishpan hands?

So their time starts, and LowFatSo tells us that she would have wanted ChesTiffany on her team even if the boys hadn’t already grabbed each other, and why? Sing it with me now…

sistahhhs are doin’ it fo’ themseeeelves

LowFatSo is impressed with how calm and collected ChesTiff is under pressure, and I have to agree here. Remember a couple of weeks ago when they stuck her ass in a snack bar on a boat and asked her to cook something new and exciting in 30 minutes or less and she came up with nachos and popcorn? BRILLIANT.

It looks like Sexist Pigshit is remembering that, too, because he says that obviously Team Dick is the “favorite” and if they win the QuickFire it will CRUSH Team Clitoris. Someone should remind SexPig that his incredibly amazing snack bar dish from a couple weeks ago was sour cream and smooshed up hot dog buns. TIff’s may have been obvious, but at least it was edible… Pigshit’s crap was just vile.

In any case, Team Dick has decided that BlazeHawk will make a pork bolognese sauce while Sexist Pigshit is gonna make his famous(ly bad) HOMEMADE PASTA. Fittingly, they’re going to finish it off with pecorino cheese, which I’m sure SexPig loves to say at every opportunity because it has the word “pecker” in it. Also, elbow macaroni kinda look like tiny little bent penises…

which he is now going to feed to Scar and LorAnal

See how there’s all this subtle male domination going on here? And Pigshit is super-impressed with himself for making macaroni, saying that to do so in an hour is “almost unheard of”. Did you hear that Buitoni? You silly pasta-makers just got schooled…

behold the Messiah of Macaroni™

Wanna take a guess at what BlazeHawk is doing in the meantime? That’s right, he’s bitching about not having won the last challenge! Bitch bitch bitch second place sucks blah blah blah won four QuickFires bitch blah bitch why don’t I ever get fan favorite blah bitch blah entitled bitch annoying blah fauxhawk bitchy bitch bitch bitch.

Over at Team Clitoris, they’ve decided to do a seared beef tenderloin salad with lentils and celery leaves, LowFatSo’s taking care of the meat while ChesTiffany’s whipping up the chimichurri sauce. I just realized that sentence sounds vaguely pornographic. Anyhow, they hope the fact that they’ve made everything in one batch will make certain the flavors are exactly the same throughout, but Tiff says they’ve got four components to put down so it’s gonna take quite a bit of time to plate this stuff.

Naturally BlazeHawk believes Team Dicks’ offering is much more ambitious, what with the HOMEMADE PASTA and all, and he totally pooh-poohs Team Clitoris’ dish, dismissing it as a “slice’n'serve”, which he arrogantly says is what chefs resort to doing when they don’t really know what else to do…

whereas this? is totally innovative and brilliant

BlazeHawk can just suck dog balls, I swear he has joined Sexist Pigshit and made it a toss-up for who is the Most Unlikeable All-Star™…

ditto Most Unfuckable All-Star™

Because she is not an asshole, LowFatSo acknowledges that Team Dicks’ completion of HOMEMADE PASTA in an hour is an admirable feat… but she also feels like Team Clitoris’ beef salad plating was far more difficult than just scooping Noodle-Roni out of a pan…

this is haaaaaard

Time finally runs out, and both teams feel like they are happy with their dishes. Here comes Scar and LorAnal to pick their plates, and Scar decides to go with “a very special birthday” in her family, selecting plates #2 and #20, while LorAnal randomly calls for #62 and #89. I can’t believe she passed up the chance to pick #69 (heh) and #77 (which is even better than 69, and do you know why?… because 77 gets 8 more, BWAHAHAHAHAHA, I miss sixth-grade humor). In any case, the other 96 dishes are being put on carts and wheeled out to the hungry (and utterly pointless) diners in the restaurant…

back in NYC’s Chinatown, hundreds of angry Chinese people are screaming “您厨师为什么设法使我们挨饿？”at their TVs

Team Dicks are the first to go, and BlazeHawk makes sure to remind Scar and LorAnal that bolognese is a sauce that takes a looooong time to make (literally, years have to go into it for it to be any good, which explains why it comes in jars) and SexPig congratulates himself for making HOMEMADE PASTA…

here’s something else this dish reminds me of

They also trot out the brilliance of their “one sauce-one batch” strategy, which is the same thing Team Clitoris did. Scar says the presentation of their plates is very similar, and LorAnal wants to know how deed they portion eech deesh? SexPig says they just used a serving spoon’s worth on each plate, and Blaze tries to make that no-brainer method sound haaaaard by claiming they went back and “tightened up” the plates after glopping down their casserole on them. LorAnal says for makeeng a hondred deeshes they had great conseestencee een the pazta, eet was no ovaircooked, and she liked eet…

yes, this is LorAnal’s “like eet” face

Then we get a bunch of shots of diners spitting that shit out while gagging and clawing at their throats. KIDDING, they seem to like it, but since their opinions are completely meaningless to this process I just don’t care and will not bother telling you what they said…

sorry Random Bahamian Queen™, we’re not sharing the same dream and our hearts won’t beat as one

Next up is Team Clitoris’ four component “slice’n'serve”…

yay for food that looks like a snarly mouth!

Scar once again says their plates all look very similar, and wants to know if a cold dish was their intention from the start. LowFatSo says yes, they wanted something that would hold up over the course of an hour. LorAnal says she likes how they wair conseestend weeth the saieez of the zlice of meet, eech plate got the zame amound. She also gives them props for having to plate four separate components.

Pigshit’s watching this with a rolling eye, asshatting that “If I had to do Antonia and Tiffany’s dish I probly coulda sent Richard to the store to go pick up a six-pack of beer so we could celebrate the win after I did it by myself…”

because that awesome bod of his is crying out for more beer

I’m not going to pin the obvious “six-pack” joke on Pigshit because that would be lazy on my part…

and there’s already plenty of laziness going around on this show

Addressing both Team Clitoris and Team Dick, LorAnal says they both deed reely reely wayll, the boys’ ragout was wayll conceeved, they godda leedel keeck from the spizes they used… and as for the girls, eevayn tho their deesh was cold (that mide bee conseedair eezeeair to plade een tairm of dooeeng a hondred porshon) becozz they have more componaint eez actuelly a leedel beet more deefeecolt. Um, OK, I am glad I ain’t recapping that America’s Next Great Applebee’s show of hers, cuz I have no idea what she just said. Something about the difficulty of easily kicking spices cold. So who wins the QuickFire? Well, LorAnal says she’s geeveeng eet to the teem thad geeve hair the most ponch of flayvor, and I’m still waiting for Erik Estrada to come strolling out in a highway patrolman’s uniform when I look up and see this awesome sight…

spice girl power

Yes, Team Clitoris takes the win and the $5,000.00, thereby ruining BlazeHawk and SexPig’s awesome “momentum” and “intimidation” strategies. LowFatSo says it feels great, and acknowledges that she and ChesTiffany are getting to be the Sweet and Salty taste buds…

while these two get to be Sour and Bitter, respectively

And see? Isn’t it cute how Sexist Pigshit gets that intense “I’d-Like-To-Punch-A-Bitch-In-The-Face” look whenever he loses? And by “cute” I mean “disgusting”. I doubt he’s even aware of how nasty he looks there, but I truly believe that right about now he’s inflicted bodily harm on LorAnal in his mind for daring to dismiss his HOMEMADE PASTA penises. “Are you serious? A beef salad wins? Whatever…”…

funny, this is the exact same look we all make anytime you win, you tubby chauvinist fucktard

As for how BlazeHawk feels about this loss? Well, he apparently took to his Twatting Page…

and brought ignorance to a whole new level

You know, I, too, had not heard of LorAnal before she was introduced to us 5 minutes ago, but I DID immediately recognize that she was not Nina Garcia, the longtime judge from Project Runway. For one thing, LorAnal’s hair is far too well-conditioned. And for another, the two of them may share a last name, but they work in completely different occupations. I imagine after the multitude of years she has put into the fashion world (and reality tv) Nina’s not real happy about being so easily confused with a chef on another reality show…

don’t ignore Nina

Also, what kind of ignorant douche-bag doesn’t realize that Nina’s been gone from Elle for almost three years? DUH, Blazey, she’s at Marie Claire now! Even babies know that. In any case, ChesTiffany’s feeling the teensiest bit gloaty over their win, and says if a female chef went on to win Top Chef All Stars it would be totally “rad”…

more proof that Beaumont, TX is a small town: they also still call things “tubular” and “gnarly”.
and they gag each other with spoons

Time for the Elimination Challenge! Scar says the Commodores have invited them to a very exclusive lunch…

apparently in outer space

OH, wait, I misheard her… it’s actually The Commodore (singular) of the Nassau Yacht Club who has invited them to lunch to celebrate the club’s 80th anniversary. She goes on to say this is going to be a high-society event and there will be high expectations of them. No, really, this time they’re not kidding, it truly is an upscale event. Really. Seriously. For realsies. No joke. Hand to God. Honest to blog. There will definitely not be a horde of Junkanoo drag queens popping up this time.

She goes on to say that the theme for the party is “deserted island”, and that’s exactly where they will be competing. BlazeHawk is frightened that they’re gonna have nothing, and that it’ll be all Lord Of The Flies out there, where they’ll have to catch and kill a wild boar, or something. I would love to see that, especially if said boar was greased and in a pen, and they’d have to chase it down… then we could finally see Sexist Pigshit literally covered in pigshit.

LorAnal also says that the moz notabool eengreedeeaint thad dey gonna fine een dee islan ees cunt. WHOA, what kind of crazy island are they going to???!?!?…

ahhh, this explains it

Wait, sorry, I misheard her, the ingredient is actually conch (pronounced “crunk” “cock” “conk”) so now I’m not quite as frightened to continue this recap as I was a few seconds ago. Anyhow, upon hearing about this required ingredient the chefs all groan. SexPig says that conch is very difficult to work with, but he has been practicing with it, so he feels ready to go. Sorta. With that, Scar sends them back to The Stove At Flat Mantis to rest and get liquored up.

The next morning we have to watch both Pigshit and BlazeHawk applying obscene amounts of Dippity-Do™ to their respective noggins…

just so we’re clear – they look like dippshits on purpose

Once again, BlazeHawk is touting himself to the rafters (which makes his so-called “self-doubt” episodes during judging look completely calculated and fake) saying that he is far more prepared than anybody else, he has 20 pounds of conch in his freezer plus he’s been simultaneously baking bread and growing a beard! At the same time!…

well, I guess now you can add “annoying J-Mo” to your list of inane accomplishments, O Self-Appointed King Of Multi-Tasking™

I don’t wanna burst his bubble, but I, too, have the amazing ability to grow a beard at the same time as I do a lot of things, such as sleep, eat, work, write, drive, fuck, drink, smoke and chew gum. I guess I’m still waiting for someone to start clapping, too.

Realizing that Blazey’s moving in on his territory as Resident Weevil, Sexist Pigshit reclaims the title by opening his mouth and unloading a bunch of exaggerations and lies: “Coming back and beating some of these elite guys, I’m coming in the way I should have came [sic] in in Vegas, and I should have come in in New York… dominating the competition!” Um, he won one challenge against Li’l Volt (and as vallegirl pointed out, it wasn’t unanimous) and he had the best dish of an overall shitty lot, plus he just lost the last QuickFire, so I’m curious how exactly that translates to “dominating the competition”?…

the only thing he’s dominating is that chair

And what kind of fucking rube puts his dirty feet up on top of white upholstery in a five-star hotel? Ugh, let’s get the hell out of here and see what the girls are up to. Well, ChesTiffany’s brushing her teeth and saying “Beaumont, TX” several times in a row, so nothing to see here.

The chefs make their way to Sandy Toes Marina where they meet up with Scar in her bikini…

and some leering chub with long hair

Chubdude turns out to be “Captain Andy”, whom SexPig thinks looks like Sammy Hagar’s twin brother. I would bet that Sammy just threw a bottle of Cabo Wabo Tequila at his TV set upon hearing that. Naturally, because Scar is showing some skin, Pigshit is furiously eye-fucking her…

and making her wish she had worn something less revealing, such as a burka, or a concrete bunker, or both at the same time

Anyhow, Scar tells them that ChubCaptain Andy is going to take them to their deserted island, and their time will start the moment their feet hit the beach. With that, she skitters off to give herself a Silkwood-scrapedown (from all the SexPig eye-boner residue, natch) and they take off for their three hour tour…

which will seem even longer now that Pigshit has insisted on airing out his manfunky balls upwind of everyone

This guy actually does Jersey proud, cuz the Sitch would have prolly pulled his actual balls out to let them swingily air in the open wind, and everyone would have gotten “seasick”. Anyhow, after an undetermined amount of time ChubCaptain Andy starts towards a beach, and LowFatSo can see smoke rising from it, so it looks like there are some kind of outdoor grills that they’ll be cooking on. Sexist Pigshit says he’s trying to stay “cool, calm and collective [sic]” and is certain that everything (including the conch) will be laid right out for them. When they get about 30 feet from shore, everyone leaps off the back of the boat at almost the same time…

that reddish blur is BlazeHawk, doing an ungainly and graceless belly-plop/faceplant combo

They are all splashing and wading towards shore as fast as they can, because they only have 3½ hours to cook, and they all want first pick out of the boxes of proteins laying in a big pile near the grills. They have an amazing array to choose from, including spiny lobster, snapper, grouper, even goat meat… but nobody sees any boxes marked “conch”. Finally they find the conch-box… but when they open it, they only find…

more fucking Junkanoo costumes!

Yup, they’re going to have to go out and harvest the conch from the ocean themselves. Poor ChesTiffany says she’s never gone snorkeling in her life, plus she’s afraid of sharks. I think she’d be okay as long as she stays away from Sexist Pigshit, cuz that much pasty white skin is bound to attract some predators to the Blue Lagoon there. And speaking of SexPig, you can totally tell he’s hesitant to remove his shirt on camera…

great, flashing your front-butt at us is even more appetizing

BlazeHawk suddenly gets very serious, telling us that he doesn’t want to see Pigshit topless, and warning us that neither do we. I guess he thinks we’re all so stupid that we’ve been completely fooled by all the black clothing SexPig has worn all season long. Of course we know something awful is coming…

and believe me when I say from experience, he’s holding that gut in with every ounce of strength he’s got

Everybody dives into the crystalline blue ocean and begins to try to pick up the conch shells littering the sea floor. LowFatSo’s actually pretty good at it, but she admits she’s getting out of breath pretty easily, plus she’s having to tread water to put the slippery conchs into the net-bag…

not to mention the sight of SexPig’s gently undulating underwater breasts is making her woozy

Meanwhile, BlazeHawk is living up to every geek stereotype known to humankind. He may be able to make “ice cream” out of heavy cream and liquid nitrogen, he may be able to form a perfect foie-gras spheroid with xanthan gum, and he may even be able to make a scallop out of a banana…

but he sucks at everything physical

One of the best parts of tonight’s episode is watching him flailing about in the ocean and attempting to grab conch, and repeatedly running out of air after about four seconds. Something tells me that belly-plop/faceplant he did off the back of the boat earlier was not an attempt to look comical, that shit came naturally to him. Also, I bet he and Sexist Pigshit are glad they spent so much time (and gel) doing their hair, right? Anyhow, ChesTiffany has actually overcome her fear of sharks (she took my advice and is staying far, far away from the sperm whaleish SexPig) and after ditching the stupid snorkel and just holding her breath, she’s grabbed about ten conch and is thoroughly enjoying herself.

Everybody has made their way back to shore and now begins the process of trying to extract the conch-meat from within those pretty (yet incredibly hard) spiral shells. Well, everybody, that is, except for Blazey, who is mourning the fact that there’s “no electricity, no gadgets, no toys, no liquid nitrogen… this is survivalist cooking here!”…

except there’s no smelly Russell Hantz skulking around throwing random things into the fire

Blazey needs to dial back the dramatics a little, because the Boy Scouts do this kind of cooking every single weekend of the year. In any case, besides worrying about whether or not they are going to get sand in their food, most of what we hear for the next two minutes is the bam bam bam bam bam bam bam of pick-axes against shells. OH, and it turns out that even though BlazeHawk’s been practicing with the conch meat, he’s never had to actually deal with extracting it from the shell before because it comes pre-shelled in the ATL. Plus, now that we’ve seen how uncoordinated he is at physical labor, I wouldn’t be surprised if the girls smoked his ass at getting their conch meat out of the shells…

although I’m terrified Tiff is gonna lose a thumb in the process

We haven’t heard much from Sexist Pigshit (which has been blissful to say the least) but that’s because he’s been quietly doing something smart for a change. Instead of just hacking through the shells to get at the meat, he’s been boiling them whole, and says that way it kills the snail and makes it easier to just pull them out of the shell in one long spiral…

thank god he had another shirt, no one wants conch and chest hair

The only downside to this method that I can think of is the question of whether or not the conch meat is already boiled to shit, and if you do anything else to it with heat, will it just turn rubbery? Anybody know? I guess we can only hope. Let’s go to commercial…

Ronda and Juanita command you to vote 80+ times for Beaker

Back on ParaDouche Island, everyone is frantically washing their workstations and tools down every chance they get, because even one grain of gritty little sand might cause Scar to gag, and she only gags for rich old man penis. Any other time is unacceptable. And speaking of gagging, that is certainly not the mindset that LowFatSo is in today, she says she’s feeling great about her dish. She’s planning to keep the conch meat fresh by making a tartare, and she’s going to combine it with a lobster nage, or poaching broth (thank heaven for subtitles or I would have thought she was talking about lobster schnozz and we would have all been very confused).

ChesTiffany’s decided to go the ol’ “Imma do something different” route, so she’s planning to bust out a coconut and conch chowdah, and there is plenty of fresh coconut water to be had (so Scar won’t bitch). The only thing that continues to give me the willies is watching Tiff hold on to the coconut with one hand as she splits it with the pickaxe in the other…

my palms get itchy just looking at this

She would do well to remember they are not in some mid-town Manhattan museum, if she stabs her own hand there isn’t some other team-mate to hand the dish off to (like Jamie Turdle used to do, ‘member that bitch?). Anyhow she’s also going to make conch ceviche-style so she has it done up two ways, which is a very BlazeHawk kind of trick. She says she likes foods that combine two different temperatures…

and I assume this is what she means

No, actually she says she likes hot soups that have “a cool finish” so she’s going to layer her cool ceviche on top of the hot chowdah. I’m not sure how that’s supposed to work, won’t that just give you warmish, wilted ceviche and luke-cool soup? Crazy shit like that also sounds very BlazeHawk.

And speaking of our bedraggled non-athlete, he’s complaining up a storm about how exhausted he is, his back hurts, his arms hurt, his legs are killing him, he’s dehydrated and running through sand is haaaard, and why can’t they just hand him the title of Top Chef All Star nowwwww-uh!?!? What a putz. Both LowFatSo and ChesTiffany are lugging around a pair of double-D bowling balls on their chests and not making a peep. Additionally, even SexPig is hauling about 40 pounds more than Blazey through the same conditions, and we haven’t heard a word out of him. Of course, that’s prolly because he’s too out-of-breath to bitch, but still, shut up BlazeHawk!

As for Pigshit’s idea for a dish, he claims he has always wanted to use either seaweed or banana leaves if he ever wound up doing a beach competition, so he’s going to do banana-leaf-wrapped grouper with a warm conch vinaigrette and a butter sauce. Also, he has a brilliant idea to take the local pineapple and cook all the sweetness out of it so it becomes savory…

and looks like blocks of heroin

Well, I guess since BlazeHawk doesn’t have access to his other major wowser (a.k.a. the LickNight) he’s going to resort to his other big wowser… Making Stuff Look Like Other Stuff So You Don’t Notice He’s Actually Fresh Out Of Really Innovative Ideas. Because they didn’t specify that he had to make a Caribbean dish, he’s decided to use the conch as a stand in for clams in his Lowong Guyland childhood favorite of linguini and clams. Wait a minute, didn’t this douchemuffin spend thirty-seven minutes bragging about how he cooked every single animal within a thousand miles of the Bahamas and he was now second only to Jesus in Caribbean culinary chops? Why is he resorting to his New England childhood? And is he really making “linguini” out of sweet potato shavings?…

of course he is, because bananallops aren’t available

I’m sorry, but I’ve lost all patience with this crap. I don’t see what the big deal is about making conch-meat with sweet potato slices and calling it “linguini and clams”. And the worst part is that the Judges continually fall all over themselves to praise Blaze for being so “clever”, and the entire time it looks and feels like so much smoke and mirrors. You know, my BF once told me about this idea he had for a Halloween Party punch bowl… he wanted to buy a brand new never-used toilet and fill it with Blue Curaçao and mini Baby Ruth bars… I understood that it wouldn’t really be drinking chemical water with turds floating in it, but I nixed it anyhow. Besides, if someone gets a little too drunk and forgets where the loo is…

your punch could turn green out of the blue

Oh well, BlazeHawk’s not gonna be dissuaded from insisting that his sweet-potato non-pasta is “risky”. Also, he believes he’s under more pressure than anybody else because he LOST SEASON FOUR OF TOP CHEF-EF-EF-ef-ef-ef-f-f-f… “I know the gravity of this!” he says, gravely. And speaking of gravity, is it wrong to wish for a rain of anvils on someone?

Meanwhile Sexist Pigshit has caught his breath and is back in Abrasive Mode, saying he never watches what other people are cooking because he doesn’t care what other people are cooking. He makes an immediate liar of himself by talking shit about LowFatSo’s dish, sneering that she’s “masking the flavor” of the conch… then he goes for the Big Fat Hypocrite Effect™ as well when he claims that she’s just doing the same food over and over again no matter what the challenge is. Which is pretty funny considering other people have said the exact same thing about Mr. Lamb-Yogurt-N-Cukes here. God, this guy is such an annoying fucker, I can’t stand this dickface any longer…

don’t say I didn’t warn you, cuz I did

The best part is there’s even more room for me to draw now than ever before! Anyhow, as time is running out they are all having problems with the wood-fired grills, and SexPig is reminiscing back to the Desert Cooking Challenge from Season Six (for which he made a totally non-Greek dish consisting of a pork gyro with apple and fennel tzatziki that landed him where else?… smack in the mediocre middle!) and he claims to have learned from that challenge how to cook anything, anywhere.

Hey, what’s that beeping horn sound? It’s the Judges plus the hoity-toity Nassau Yacht Club members arriving…

and for some reason they’re all dressed for the White Party

except Gail, who’s wearing a shapeless shift and some of Scar’s awful joolry

We get some boring bullshit history on the Nassau Yacht Club, which I’m pretty sure is an organization that approximately 0.0000000017% of us would ever be asked to join, so I’m going to distill the whole segment down to the one interesting thing you need to know about the old man who is the current Commodore in charge of it…

someone’s in love

Back over at the BlazeBeach, he’s switched his arrogant “I have the biggest dick in the world” tune over to the even more-annoying “I hate everything I do” tune, and whines that everyone else did a Caribbean dish while he “missed the memo” and made a Hamptons dish and now he’s neeeervooooous. If ever there was a dish that deserved sand in it, it would be his taters’n'conch, which he is the first to present…

and he’s right, we’ve grown to hate everything he does, too

In fact, I had a Michelina’s meal this afternoon that looked exactly like that. In any case, LorAnal immediately starts asking Scar if her lobster is undercooked. Gail says hers is fine, but agrees that LorAnal’s piece is underdone. One of the elder Yacht Club Ladies says that Bahamians normally don’t like their conch to be cooked, they prefer it in a salad or scorched, but she’s finding it tasty anyhow…

kinda surprised she didn’t use the word “melted”

Old Commode Guy likes the mushroom in the dish, and here’s Daddy Tom to gush about how amazing the “pasta” is, ready to heap all kinds of praise on Blaze for making pasta on a beach (and I’m kinda shocked he can’t tell the difference). Gail corrects him that it’s just raw sweet potato, and suddenly there are all these “amazing!”s and “brilliant!”s and “incredible!”s (and possibly some spurts of semen) flying all over the place…

guess what? this isn’t really made of flowers or kitten heads, either

While the Entitled White People™ commence condragulating each other some more on their past sailing achievements, poor Beaumont, Texan ChesTiffany is finding it harder and harder to keep things going at the grill on the beach, because the wind is kicking up and it appears a storm is on the way, and this might be cooling off her chowdah. She has to wait for LowFatSo to go next…

hey, how come that piece of fish just looks like a piece of fish? shouldn’t it look like a pterodactyl? or a starship? or perhaps the Virgin Mary?

Gail takes a bite and suddenly chokes “Ohmigod!” and is clutching for her wine. I’m not sure if it was too salty or too sour, but LorAnal says the ceveechay ees caussing a “ponch” in hair mouth and she lohve eet…

and who wouldn’t?

One of the other rubberlipped white dudes is saying LowFatSo did the conch in the Bahamian style, which is very spicy, and Old Commode Guy agrees, he loves the taste of the dish. His wife (sitting on the other side of Scar) heartily agrees, but Daddy Tom starts bitching that LowFatSo cut the pieces of the conch too small and that if you closed your eyes and put it in your mouth, you wouldn’t know that was what you were eating. Funny, just a few moments ago he didn’t realize that the strips of sweet potato he put in his mouth weren’t really homemade pasta, so take that as you will. Then he says his fish is overcooked, and RubberLipped says his is undercooked. Fuuuuuuck.

ChesTiffany’s plated (bowled?) her chowdah, but she winds up finishing too early and has to sit there for 2½ minutes until it’s time to serve, which is allowing her soup to cool down and now she’s afraid the flavors are going to change on her. Plus you can’t really make a soup look like something other than a soup, so she’s going to be forced to have them judge her strictly on how her food actually tastes…

which is silky and milky, but too chilly for Milli Vanilli

Really. Scar immediately says she would have liked it if it was hot. Well, let them cook it in a real kitchen next time and maybe your wish will come true! Gail and Daddy Tom guess that maybe it was never hot and was meant to be served cold. LorAnal says she actually liked the waiy ChesTiff poot the ceveechay on top of the chowdah, and espaycially enjoy the totch of ceelantro. One of the other Yachtladies says she enjoyed the unexpected touches in it, such as the mango and coconut chunks. Old Commode Guy says it’s almost too sweet and Daddy Tom says it’s nice but the flavors haven’t developed enough.

Speaking of chunks, I’m about to blow some, because even though Miss Elia went home thirteen episodes ago, Sexist Pigshit is still slamming her version of banana-leaf wrapped fish, calling it elementary and flavorless, and all I can think of is really? We’re dissing a dish from three months ago?? Because I seem to remember a year and three months ago when SexPig tried his hand at the old Making Stuff Look Like Other Stuff Schtick…

he made these sad “leek scallops” and got sent home for it

next time I’m drawing vaginas, even though I have no idea what they look like

He’s convinced that he has refined a “peasant dish” well enough with his “little touches” (a.k.a. yogurt and cucumber) and his “flavor profiles” (a.k.a. Greek). Well, let’s see how he did…

well, I, for one, love to eat stuff served on top of used toilet paper

RubberLipped says that while the fish was well-cooked, it was overwhelmed by the pineapple, banana leaf and the butter. Daddy Tom complains that it didn’t need butter at all because it had enough richness and earthiness already. On the other hand, we hear from a frightened-looking older woman who stutters in a plain old East Coast accent that she likes the way Pigshit cooked the fish. She seems really out of place and uncomfortable among her sleek EuroBahamian dining mates, and as I look more closely at her, two words come to mind…

lottery winner

And is it just me, or does she look like she could actually be related to SexPig? Oh well, it looks like it’s mostly negatives, right? Ah, but Gail is in love with this dish, saying she’s obsessed with the braised pineapple, and she can’t get over the fact that Pigshit turned it from sweet to savory and sour. She should try this little place we have near here called Panda Express, they serve savory pineapple every day in a dish they call “Sweet’N'Sour Pork”, she’d be having orgasms at the strip mall. And wait a minute, was this supposed to be about the pineapple, or the conch? Cuz nobody has mentioned that part of the dish at all.

Tonight’s vignette has to do with the fact that the chefs can see the actual island (Sandy Cay) that was was used in the opening credits of Gilligan’s Island…

it hasn’t changed much, except it’s in color now

This leads to the chefs talking about who would be what character on the show. BlazeHawk naturally tags himself as the Professor, while Sexist Pigshit believes he’d be the Skipper (cuz he’s the “big old guy”) and tells us he thinks LowFatSo would be MaryAnn and ChesTiffany would be Ginger. It becomes very uncomfortable as he stammers that he’s not really sure why (boobs) he thinks TIff would be Ginger (tits) but I’m certain he’s got more of an idea (breasts) than he’s letting on (knockers). In the background I hear someone call out that Beaker would be Gilligan. This game is lame, let’s go to Judges’ Table.

What’s that clinking noise coming from the floor? Why it’s a veritable forest of Arbor Mist bottles, and I am now officially hammered, so I better wrap this up while I still speak more English than Drunkenese….

Daddy Tom starts out by congratulating them on there not being one teeny grain of sand in anyone’s food. With that, they start with LowFatSo. LorAnal says she found a great balance between sweetness and spiciness, but Daddy Tom still can’t get over the too-teeny-tiny pieces of conch, and brings up the inconsistency of the searing on her fish pieces. Scar complains that she didn’t like the “conventionality” of it and says LowFatSo’s dish was the most predictable in presentation. LowFatSo immediately counters that she takes that critique as a compliment, because that means they recognize her style in the food, it is exactly how she meant for it to be…

so fuck off, bitchez

Moving on to BlazeHawk, Scar says his pasta was “unusual” and Daddy Tom admits he was out-and-out fooled by it, and he really enjoyed it. Gail points out he didn’t create a regionally-flavored dish, but she still thinks it worked. LorAnal sayz hee cooked the conch too pairfecktion, bot hair lobstair was ondaircooked…

weirdly, LorAnal’s “ondaircooked” face is exactly the same as her “like eet” face from the QuickFire

Talking about ChesTiffany’s chowdah, LorAnal says ayvreytheeng was cook pairfeckly, she love thee combeenachon of the conch and feesh and ceelantro. Gail says she loved the “idea” of the chowdah, and appreciates how Tiff used the conch in two separate ways, but wants to know if it was supposed to be hot or cold. ChesTiffany admits it was supposed to be hot, but when the wind started picking up, that’s how it all went down. Daddy says he liked most of it, but suddenly he’s decided it was a “little” on the sweet side.

Then we come to Sexist Pigshit, who is super-proud of all the local ingredients he used in his dish. Gail is practically leaping over the Judges’ Table to fall on her knees at his feet over that goddamned piece of pineapple (did you guys know he braised it in a curry mix??!?… no, I didn’t care, either.) Daddy Tom says he enjoyed the smokiness that came from the banana leaf, he says it gave a “mysterious” flavor to the dish, but that the butter was not a tropical flavor and did not need to be there…

that whooshing sound? is ego deflation in progress

Back in the Stew Lounge, SexPig is clearly rattled by the critique he just received, because he turns to BlazeHawk and says now he knows why Blazey stresses out before Judges’ Table, “I just thought I had a really good dish, and I thought I had a shot to win… but then you get, like, a smack in the face.” Word up, and since the critique came from a man, you know Pigshit is taking it seriously.

However, BlazeHawk is not so easily swallowing the line that’s been cast, saying he doesn’t really believe the allegation that two people had “slightly undercooked lobster”…

he’s just light-headed from lack of styling product

After final deliberation the chefs are brought back in, and the one whose dish was the most “unique” is….

are. you. fucking. kidding. me.

Yes, Sexist Pigshit wins his second Elimination Challenge! With a piece of savory pineapple. Who knew? Oh well, even though I hate it, there are no less than three silver linings to this big fat tubby cloud hovering over this show… the first being…

this face

Yes, I have to admit I am happy that BlazeHawk’s stupid sweet-potato-pasta-bullshit did not hand him a win, and after all his grandstanding and trash-talking, it’s nice to see him get a smackdown, too.

The second silver lining is that SexPig heads back into the empty Stew Lounge, looks around and comments “It’s hard to celebrate when you’re alone.” Awww, poor thing… BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. Even more telling is when Pigshit gives voice to what everybody’s already been thinking, “Maybe it wasn’t a fluke that I kicked Michael Voltaggio’s ass, maybe I am a different chef right now…” See? Even he didn’t fully believe that shit was totally skill based. And the third silver lining?…

here’s to winning a second zero-dollar prize package

If anybody deserves it for all the hateful shit they say, it’s SexPig, so condragulations. And finally, our Finalist that is leaving us tonight is…

the little Beaumont, Texan that could(n’t quite pull it off)

Someone mentioned in the comments (I think it was Angela Parisi LaRoe) that Scar sounded upset when she delivered the blow. I listened to the audio several times, and you’re right, her voice did break on the word “go”, and there’s the sound of a stifled sob, although I can’t tell if it’s Scar or maybe LowFatSo. Nevertheless, Poor ChesTiffany is hurt and upset, she still believes in the merits of her dish, but says she was just plain out-cooked. She also brings up how everyone else in the competition has worked with big-name chefs, and she’s just a self-taught cook from BEAUMONT, TEXAS who started at IHOP. Well, girl, at least you’re not going back there again…

stuck serving Rooty Tooty Fresh’N'Fruitys all day long

Well, that’s it for this one, my head is splitting and I think I need to go throw up. Before I do, what did you guys think of this episode? Can you believe Sexist Pigshit won again? Whose dish would you have chosen instead? And do you think it was truly time for ChesTiffany to go home, or should it have been LowFatSo or BlazeHawk. What’s your take on the whole Make Food Look Like Other Food Thing? And are we sick to death of crappy kitchens in shitty places yet? When are they JUST GONNA LET ‘EM COOK THEIR FOOOOOOD??!??!?

*urp*

OK, I gotta go now, before something bad happens (I don’t have an extra $50 for one of these expensive-ass Apple keyboards should mine get ruined). Thanks again for reading and for all your comment love!

love, J-Mo

P.S. Do you love BlazeHawk’s ignorant twitter? I know I do. >:)