Top Chef: The Case Of The Purloined Peez

What’s shakin’ and bakin’, ‘Gasmii?  First up, I want to say thanks for your patience, I’ve been busy all weekend long watching 11 men in sparkly dresses jumping up and down and lip-synching for their lives to Lady GaGa.  Then, on Sunday night there was a brand new Miss Gay Arizona America crowned, and 10 very bitter bitches went home to complain about it publicly on FaceBook and privately wonder why they ever got involved in something that would require them to duct-tape their penises into their upper butt-crack.  You would think grown adults who willingly entered into a competition would be able to handle losing with a smidge more grace and poise than those brats over on Toddlers & Tiaras, but you’d be wrong…

imagine 10 faces looking exactly like this, with less facial hair, more glitter, and the same sized boobs

Well, if we’ve learned anything from the losers on this season of Top Chef it’s that grace and poise are easily discarded and quickly replaced with griping and pouting.  And bitching.  And whining.  And complaining and moaning and crying and hating and especially shit-talking.  Which we all live for, so let’s get started!

One quick note to ShortyPants…

Worst.  Blowjobface.  Ever.

A cold and gray day dawns on the Bilious Brownstone, and shit’s gettin’ serious, y’all…

although honestly, this probably just means Bloody Mandy’s giving out Random Handjobs™…

…to everyone except KennEgo.

So JerseyMoobs is kinda crowing about his recent Elimination Challenge Win to a clearly disinterested KennEgo.  This guy is such a tool, and you can add “self-delusion” to the list of ways these people deal with losing, because KennEgo’s still insisting that there’s no way a dish of his could have ever been anything less than sheer manna from heaven.  “I wasn’t on the bottom because of my food… I do consider there might be some strategy being played.  It’s ‘Would you rather Kenny to go home, or would you rather Amanda to go home?’”

how ‘bout both?

Personally, I wish he would stop to using unnecessary infinitive particles.  Anyhow, thanks to the commenters last week, we know that it wasn’t just the fact that he’s a hateful prick that he landed in the bottom, the judges agreed his food sucked, too.  However, something trivial like the truth isn’t going to deter KennEgo from believing he’s just a target because of his awesomeness:  “I’m just too much of a beast in the kitchen.”  Woof woof, Alpha Dawg, you were in the doghouse eating your own turds and you know it.

Meanwhile, OranJello’s polishing his shoes and interviewing that he is actually upset that Miss Tamesha went home because they were truly close.  Then ChesTiffany sticks her fat head (and oversized clown mouth) in to indirectly accuse him again of having sabotaged not only Miss Tamesha… but now she’s added ShortyPants to that swath of destruction, as well…

“I’m thinking if I can just get him to say ‘Hi’ to me, I’ll be able to blame him if my food sucks, too!”

This whole OranJello Sabotage Disguised As ‘Helping’™ thing is such bullshit and holds as little water as KennEgo’s whole Kitchen Beast Cannot Make Shitty Food™ thing.  Why are these people spending so much time trying to convince us of things that are just not true?  I fear Triple-S (Season Seven Sux) is running through it all.

The chefs arrive at the Top Hiltchen to find Scar standing there with a fine young high-school student…

and clearly enjoying her very first experience as a MILF

ShortyPants immediately notices that Mr. Junior Class President there is wearing a Congressman Pin.  This is because he is Representative Aaron Schock, a Republican from the 18^th District of Illinois, and currently the youngest (and probably hottest) Congressman in the House.  Not that it’s such a close race to be Hottest Congressman when you’re going up against sex-gods like Ron Paul and David Dreier.

Anyhow, Baby Aaron Carter says the first day of being an actual Elected Official is spent learning about “ethics”.  Ahhh, now this explains why so many members of Congress seem to forget what that word means… who remembers what they learned on the first day of school?  In any case, a good chunk of that day was spent talking about ethics as it relates to food, and Baby A goes on to say the Ethics Committee wants to ensure that lobbyists do not exert too much undue influence over members of Congress, so the D.C. chefs and caterers have arrived at the following solution for any lobbyist-provided eats…

they can only serve American cheese

KIDDING!  Actually they came up with this thing called the “Toothpick Rule” which is designed to prevent Congressmen from being swayed by lavish lobbyist meals.  Yup, if you serve something tasty to a member of Congress, it has to be on a toothpick.  Apparently this rule does not apply to hookers.  Or else most Congressmen probably look at it like they’re carrying the toothpick in their underpants.  Remember when Larry Craig got caught looking for big, thick, throbbing cop toothpicks?  Ew.

Nevertheless, this is their QuickFire Challenge:  to whittle down a gourmet dish so that it can fit onto a toothpick.  You might also recall this QuickFire under its former name of “The Amuse Bouche Challenge”, because that’s pretty much what it is.  Well, at least today’s food won’t add much to Scar’s newly chunkified thighs.  It will, however, add to the winner’s bank account, because this is a High-Stakes QuickFire worth $20,000.00!…

sexfaces all around!

Well, Big-Haired Andrea isn’t exactly making Sexface™, it’s more like CreditCardDesperationFace™, and she says that the restaurant she and her hubby own is “struggling”.  Then she trots out her brood of Little Big-Hairs and says she really needs the $20K to keep them supplied with banana-clips, scrunchies and Aqua-Net.  Normally I would be really annoyed by this kind of “I’m far more deserving of a large cash prize” crap, but after Nosferatu’s assertion that he would use these kind of winnings to purchase pussy and blow, I’m gonna cut her some slack.  And their 30 minutes begins NOW!

After the obligatory Stampede At The Fridge scene, the chefs all settle down, dislodge their elbows from each other’s anuses and begin trying to figure out a way to fit an entire lobster on a toothpick.  This challenge is already proving problematic for poor KennEgo, who will now be denied the opportunity to make 37 things and then brag about how fast he is.  Since the toothpick forces him to do one thing only (*gasp*) he’s planning on doing what everyone else has been doing for the last umpteen challenges:  putting BOOZE in his dish.  In his case, he wants to do a spiced skrimp and salmon with a mojito relish.  So I guess in a way it’s still actually TWO things.

Miss Swan’s theory of the Toothpick Rule says that everything needs to really “stick” to it (which means making soup is probably not a good idea, DUH) so she’s planning on making a seared bay scallop over a salted watermelon disc.  Then they show her pouring about half a box of kosher salt into her vinaigrette…

either her hands are really tiny or she has no idea what a “pinch” is

I’m not much for foreshadowing, but remember this picture, it will have significance later.  Let’s take a quick trip over to Munchkinland and see what ShortyPants is up to.  He’s absolutely drooling over the thought of $20,000.00 and immunity, so his bite is going to incorporate a full-on surf’n’turf made of filet and scallop, with a potato cake and béarnaise sauce.  It’s like he’s trying to make that Willy Wonka dinner gum that turned Violet Beauregarde into a big, fat blueberry.  Naturally this means that Nosferatu’s looking down his bladelike schnoz at Shorty’s idea and loftily asserting its imminent failure, while anointing himself as Lord Of The Hors D’œuvres:  “Half my menu is canapés!”  So what’s his brilliant and original idea for a Toothpick meal?  Well, the ever-popular scallop (zzzzz) with thai basil essence (double-zzzzz)…

“Because nobody ever does scallops on Top Chef, right?”

What a douche.  And just wait, he’s barely getting started in this episode, he’s going to get much worse later on (sorry, more foreshadowing)!  You know who else is enjoying a nice cup of Smacktalk?  Miss ChesTiffany, who’s boring us to tears with her description of her Italian-inspired crispy pork roulade with prosciutto, cheese and almond… and then turns around and says Bloody Mandy next to her doesn’t know what in the blue fuck she’s doing.  How rude!  Ok, so she’s totally right, Mandy’s just kinda spinning her wheels and settles on doing a lamb kebab because she finds making hors d’œuvres “boring”.  She kinda has a point, it’s not nearly as intriguing as, say, trying to get grade-schoolers hammered on “sherry jus”.

Let’s see what Big-Haired Andrea’s doing (besides applying another layer of mousse).  OH, she’s going the soul-food route, making a cheddar-pecan waffle topped with buttermilk fried chicken and gravy.  That actually sounds pretty good.  I have no idea why her restaurant is struggling if she’s coming up with kick-ass ideas like this…

unless people keep finding crispy bang hairs woven into their waffles

As for the Master Manipulator himself, OranJello’s running into all kinds of trouble.  Initially he wanted to make a sushi-style shrimp rolled into slivers of pineapple, but they keep falling apart on him when he tries to cut them.  Damn!  If only he could ask someone for advice, and then blame them when he doesn’t win!  In the end he winds up doing the old-school thing of making a cucumber cup to stow his shrimp in.  Also having a hard time is MassholEd, who says he’s having difficulty even conceptualizing his bite.  It doesn’t help that he’s trying to use froo-froo drink umbrellas as his toothpicks…

perhaps he actually drank all the Mai Tais they came from?

Scar and Baby Aaron Carter come back (from playing Thirty Minutes In The Closet, I bet) and call time.  They hit up JerseyMoobs first…

who actually found a way to incorporate soup on a stick after all

I bet Bloody Mandy is pissed that he used her famous sherry jus without her permission!  They visit Big-Haired Andrea’s Soul Kitchen next…

served with just a dollop of Nair sauce

Next up is MassholEd’s shady little creation…

which he has served KennEgo style

And by that I mean with multiple preparations, not with an insanely inflated sense of self.  All Baby Aaron Carter has to say is that he likes visiting Asia without the long plane flight.  Let’s check out ChesTiffany’s morsel…

oh yeah, that’s all attached to the toothpick

This is followed by Bloody Mandy’s kabob…

which looks eerily like litter-encrusted catshit on a stick

Baby Aaron Carter says that lamb just happens to be his favorite dish, and dazzles Mandy with his megawatt smile…

this is the exact same face I used to make when my mommy would tell me she made Kraft Macaroni & Cheese for wunch

Time to enter the Culinary Nirvana known as the KennEgo Zone™…

served not on a wimpy toothpick, but on a manly plastic sword

Baby A thinks it’s super clever to get your food and your cocktail all on the same toothpick.  Wow, if he thinks that’s clever, he’d be absolutely mystified by Jell-O shooters.  KennEgo beams and starts thinking up new and annoying ways to spend $20,000.00.  (Perhaps he’ll license some more logos from Big Dog)

It’s time to see how OranJello fared…

with his “old school” crudité

The Citrus One says he’s actually a little embarrassed to be serving something on top of a stupid cucumber cup, but he thinks the flavors in the dish are going to be amazing enough to make up for it.  With that, we move on to ShortyPants…

and his surf’n’turf’n’Smurf bite

He’s drizzling his béarnaise sauce on top and all but frothing at the mouth waiting for some feedback, any feedback, from Scar and Baby Aaron Carter.  He is rewarded when Baby A says it was good and meaty, although ShortyPants’ impression of the compliment is somewhat exaggerated…

reality vs. fantasy

Shorty’s convinced he’s about to win, which totally means he lost.  Moving on to Nosferatu and his Cliché Of Scallop…

which is shamelessly patriotic

And for the first time (only seven episodes in) everybody’s QuickFire dish gets critiqued, and here comes Miss Swan to bring up the rear…

with her own version of Scallopness

Now that they’ve finished, let’s call out the loozahs, shall we?  This is going to smart extra hard coming from the mouth of a snotfaced kid like Baby Aaron Carter, but that’s how Top Chef rolls, people.  So starting the Suck Parade is *gasp* Mr. Half-My-Menu-Is-Appetizers, a.k.a. Nosferatu.  Baby A says there were a LOT of flavors going on and “I didn’t enjoy it especially.”  Owie.  Also awful, MassholEd’s Singapore Slingshots of Tuna, which Baby Aaron says were much better looking than tasting, which is kind of a crucial point.  Lastly, we have Miss Swan, now on the ass-end of the negative critiques as well, and Baby A-hole says there just wasn’t a lot of flavor in the dish.  Miss Swan vows to go big and bold in the Elimination Challenge, which is definitely more foreshadowing.

On the plus side, the little tyke actually liked JerseyMoobs’ pork bite, he says he thought about it all the way around the room.  Also earning love (and thus hate from KennEgo) is OranJello, whose old-style cucumber cup with skrimp caused “fireworks” in Baby Aaron’s mouth…

while KennEgo dreams of punching OranJello in his

And finally, ShortyPants gets some much-needed love, as Baby Aaron Carter tells him “All I could think of when I saw yours was ‘Wow, there’s a lot on that stick!’.  I really enjoyed that!”  Oooh, that’s what he said…

for once Shorty feels like a longy (and maybe a thicky)

Meanwhile, Nosferatu feels like a dumbass.  He should.  Scallops.  Never.  Work.  It’s all right, though, because we know ShortyPants isn’t going to win as Baby A-hole awards this High-Stakes QuickFire, immunity and $20,000.00 to… ORANJELLO!  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  He immediately does a Pageant Disbelieving Mouth-Cover™…

which is a great way to hide a big-ass Fuck You All Grin™

Oh my GAWD, so check this out, someone has already won a third of the Grand Prize in QuickFires alone!  I have to say, he appears to be doing his best to rein in his glee, telling us he really wants to live in the moment and enjoy this win, but it’s not really going to get him closer to cooking in the Finals, so he just wants to move on and get started on the next challenge.  His reasoning may be valid, but I think it could also be the fact that JerseyMoobs has a distinctly murderous look on his face…

silence of the spams

Moobsie is seriously pissed off, and isn’t afraid to whine about it to us:  “Angelo wins again.  Yeah, I’m pissed off!  He keeps doing the same things over and over again.  I know my dish is good, but if they like eating Chinese Food all the time then so be it.  If they’re stuck on it that’s their problem!”  Well, and it sounds like a personal problem for you, too, JerseyMoobs.  A $20,000.00 worth of bitterness problem.

Perhaps he’s never seen the show before, or he’d know that Ilan Hall did nothing but Spanish food for the entirety of Season Two.  Also, if Moobsie had a style of food that he was super-familiar with and it kept winning him challenges, you can best believe he’d be using it over and over again.  Thirdly, Baby Aaron Carter doesn’t know OranJello does Asian-y stuff all the time (and I went back and checked all his other dishes, he does a lot, but not all) so sorry, JerseyMoobs, you’re just being a giant blobbychested Bitter Barney, and a seriously sore loser, and you need to just get the fuck over it.  I think someone’s been swallowing too much KennEgo Kool-Aid.

I’m ready to move on as well, let’s get to the Elimination Challenge, which Scar says is going have the chefs taking part in making a “political Power Lunch” at the Palm Restaurant in D.C.  Then she trots out the knife block for them to find out which of five proteins they’ll be using from the Palm’s menu.  Wait, that‘s it?  They don’t have to recreate a dish already on the menu by taste alone?  Or create a dish inspired by a Constitutional Amendment?  Or cook something using only words that Dan Quayle can correctly spell (such as ice, egg or cat)?

Nope, just make a dish using swordfish, steak, salmon, lobster or lamb chopzzzzzzzzzz.   Ho-hum, let’s see who gets what:  BitterMoobs and KennEgo wind up with the lamb chops, MassholEd and OranJello pick lobster, Big-Hair and ChesTiffany get swordfish, Nosferatu and ShortyPants land salmon, and finally Miss Swan and Bloody Mandy both pull porterhouse steak…

yay for besties!

I dunno why Miss Swan is acting like she smells cowfarts in the kitchen, but it’s clear she is so over Bloody Mandy she doesn’t even want to be assigned the same protein, much less cook on the same planet as her.  Scar is quick to point out that this is not a head-to-head challenge, they are all competing individually, so shut it, Swan.

OMG, you guys, you will not believe this!  Over at Whole Paycheck Market?  The chefs are running around trying to figure out what to make!  People are having trouble thinking of a dish!  A tear in the space-time continuum opens up and swallows KennEgo whole!  The most satisfying of those three things does not happen!  Nah, in reality the most interesting thing to see is that ShortyPants makes a beeline straight for the most crucial part of any grocery store…

the liquor aisle

Shorty’s super-excited and is just brimming over with ideas for salmon dishes, he thinks he’s really got a shot at winning this time.  Awww, I sorta love how he keeps on hoping he’ll eventually pull something good enough out of his ass to win something.  And if he doesn’t, he can just go get drunk.  Cuz that, my friends, is what America is all about!

Of course, America is also all about bitching and whining and moaning when things aren’t going exactly the way you want, and in this sense, Big-Haired Andrea is feeling quite patriotic.  See, she doesn’t like swordfish, she doesn’t like the way it tastes, or it’s texture, or the fact that the stupid ‘w’ in ‘sword’ is silent.  I say she needs to shut the hell up and remember that Marky Mark and George Clooney DIED so she could have that swordfish, she’s shitting all over their memory by complaining.  In any case, what this all really means that her passion for her food is going to really come through in her dish… as a hate-plate…

I love her deathbacon t-shirt, though

Everybody heads back to the Hiltchen for their two hours to prep and get on each other’s nerves.  OranJello and MassholEd quickly discover that the lobsters provided by the Palm Restaurant are not your teensy little $20 Red Lobster specials, but actually giant mutant four pound lobstrosities capable of severing your arm if you’re not careful…

“If I ever get this rubber band off I will totally fuck your shit up.”

It’s MassholEd’s turn to be patriotic as he’s looking around the room and noticing that the salmon is already in filet form, the porterhouse is already cut, the lamb chops are already chopped and the swordfish is ready to get in a duel.  “I’m at a huge disadvantage right now because of the size of these lobsters,” he whines.  Weirdly, OranJello just shuts up and gets to work without complaining.

Meanwhile, Nosferatu has found the balls to complain about how big his salmon filet portions are (it’s such a hardship, he might have to actually cut them into smaller pieces) and he doesn’t have a clear idea of what he’s going to make with them yet, “but it’ll come to me!”  Fore.  Shadow.  Ing.

Let’s check in with Hurricane Mandy, who says she has never cooked a porterhouse steak in her life, and she’s not about to start now.  I don’t know why this seems so daunting to her, I didn’t clock her as the kind of girl who would be intimidated by a large piece of meat, but I guess I was wrong.  GayNold certainly wouldn’t have let it bother him.  In any case, what’s her brilliant solution to this problem?…

something you should never, ever, ever do with good meat… deboner it

Miss Swan is across the way watching her and getting overly upset that ole B.M. would dare to defile a porterhouse steak like that.  “If you take the bone away she will end up with a bunch of New York strips and a bunch of filets!  We were asked to cook at the Palm their proteins, so I think it’s not a great move.”  Oh hush up, Swanderella, Mandy can serve that meat any damned way she likes, regardless of whether it’s up to your standards. Besides, you should be happy she’s doing something stupid, it would mean you’ll be rid of her sooner. DUH.  Offer to help her debone.

JerseyMoobs is planning on doing broiled lamb chops and takes great pride in telling us that when he worked at Center City in Philadelphia he had the mayor of Philadelphia coming in there almost once a week so he believes he has a good understanding of what high-power politicians really want in a “Power Lunch”…

a nooner

Since I doubt he’s going to be giving out free Mandy-Handyjobs to any of the Palm’s patrons, he better make sure that lamb is kickass, especially since he’s going up against Alpha Dawg KennEgo The Kitchen Beast.

Back at the Bilious Brownstone, Nosferatu’s chatting with Big-Haired Andrea and KennEgo (who’s insisting on lounging around in his bathrobe, blech) and still trying to come up with an idea for what to make with giant salmon chunks…

picking his fangs helps him think

I bet his nose is next.  Anyhow, he mentions that he has some English peas, but they’re shit.  Big-Haired Andrea wonders if they’re the same ones MassholEd got, and KennEgo says (in his usual bored-because-we’re-talking-about-someone-else’s-food tone) that they looked pretty good before he [MassholEd] puréed them.  Nosferatu just doesn’t know what to dooooooo, the last time he saw a successful pea purée was when he got cast out of Linda Blair.

As for MassholEd, he’s currently discussing his own pea purée and making googly eyes at ChesTiffany’s brea—…

I mean, her eyes

He says he really trusts her and that she makes him feel good when he doubts himself.  Big-Haired Andrea says if ChesTiffany’s fiancé ever caught wind of how the two of them have been acting (you know, like, if he ever watches TV) that MassholEd would be in a world of deep trouble.  ChesTiffany herself, however, claims it’s all BS, there’s nothing going on between them, MassholEd certainly doesn’t flirt with her or anything, and besides, she’s quick to remind us:  “I got a man!”…

“Whass yo’ man got t’do wit’ me?”

*sigh*  I miss me some Positive K. Anyhow, the next day the chefs all head over to the Palm Restaurant, and Miss Swan is just in a tizzy because she eats here a lot and thinks it’s “just classic”, especially with all the fab caricatures on the walls of the famous patrons who have eaten there…

it takes a talented artist to make Larry King even more repulsively unfuckable

I’ve seen halfwit junior high kids make better and more realistic drawings.  In any case, the chefs are back in the kitchen and trying to stake out work stations when suddenly an animatronic mannequin starts speaking to them…

and no, he’s not wearing a rainbow tie, whatever he is wearing is fighting with the resolution on my TV

BozziBot here says his great-grandfather co-founded the Palm in 1926 and this is the first time they’ve ever handed over their kitchen to a bunch of boobs chefs, and then he cranks up the pressure another notch when he says that Daddy Tom is going to be back supervising in the kitchen while they cook as well.  It’s left unspoken that Daddy’s also probably there to make sure they don’t leave it in shambles or burn the place to the ground.

Before he leaves, BozziBot makes sure to let them know that the winner will not only get his dish on their menu, but will also be immortalized with a fug portrait on one of the walls in the restaurant.  He neglects to mention that the only open spot is under the urinals in the Men’s Room, but that’s not important right now…

awww, look who’s already practicing their posing face!

With that they are turned loose for their final prep, and immediately Miss Swan is bitching about how Bloody Mandy’s got her coolers set up in the cramped space of the kitchen, and flat-out tells us that she thinks Mandy needs to go home because “she shouldn’t be here right now.”  I know a lot of you guys seem to really like Miss Swan and everything, but honestly I’m really not finding her too cute these days.  Maybe she’s envious of Mandy’s long dark hair, or her mild species of forgettable prettiness, or (my vote) the fact that she’s five years younger, but whatever it is, she’s coming across like a jealous cow.

Her irritation is readily apparent as she snarls at Bloody Mandy to cook closer to her own station.  Then, when Mandy asks if she can have some salt (I guess she forgot to bring her own S&P from the Hiltchen) Swanella De Vil seizes her opportunity to make a dick move and refuses to let her have any of hers.  Yes, it was dumb of Bee-Em to forget to pack the most basic of steak seasonings, but it’s even dumber for Swan to refuse to share, especially when it appears she has plenty.  Now she just looks like a petty little megabitch…

with zealous eyes and a severe underbite

She’s all “Tough!  We’re competitors!”  and she continues heavy-handedly seasoning her steaks.  For her part, Bloody Mandy says she thinks Miss Swan is using way too much salt (perhaps to justify her claim that she “only brought enough for [herself]”?) and thinks it’s stupid of her to hoard it like that.  I have to say I agree with her, I think they should subscribe to the Top Chef Masters Theory Of Fair Competition™, which says it’s more honorable to compete based on the food itself, rather than winning via technicalities.  Then again, that means less fun for us, so I say fuck it, you grab another double handful of salt and throw it on those big-ass porterhouses, girl!  We’ll be back to check on you when the KarmaTrain arrives.

We zoom on over to chat with KennEgo, and he notes that the last time he did a lamb dish was for last week’s challenge and he “didn’t fare as well” as he had hoped with it.  I think that’s the closest he’s ever going to come to admitting that he fucked up.  He’s looking forward to being able to bring this week’s lamb dish “to another level”, which is a phrase that’s become so overused in RealityTVWorld™ that it’s gone on to join under-bus-throwing, not-here-for-friends-making and doing-this-to-make-my-dead-relatives-proud-of-me in the Inner Circle Of Irritating.  The only “level” I hope KennEgo’s lamb reaches is down into the swill bucket.

Nosferatu’s finally had an idea, he’s going to make a pea purée out of his shitty English peas, and hopes this will work with his salmon…

sorry, I can’t stand veggies that remind me of boogers

Suddenly MassholEd is running around the kitchen and asking everyone where his pea purée is!  Actually, he’s not asking where it is so much as he’s accusing people (like ShortyPants) of having out-and-out taken it, which is pissing off the Little One mightily and he snaps back that he didn’t touch it.  MassholEd asks Nosferatu the same, and gets a curiously negative response in reply that sounds like, “I did not, I didn’t use any peas.”…

“…unless by ‘peas’ you mean the ones in this pea purée right here in my hand, then the answer is still no, I didn’t use any peas.”

ChesTiffany notices this, and pipes up to say that the only other person who happens to have a pea purée on his dish is Nosferatu, and that she knows it was not made the day before, which MassholEd himself echoes, because he knows Nosferatu had not “conceptualized his dish” until that very day, and it would really piss him off if Mr. Undead stole his own silky pea purée that he slaved and slaved over.  Christmas on a cracker, then shut up and make some more, I mean how long does it take to throw some peas in a blender on “HIGH”??!?

This whole thing is weird and strange and reeks of wonky editing.  Did MassholEd make his pea purée the day before?  If so, is it possible he forgot it back at the Hiltchen?  Or maybe Nosferatu actually stole his premade pea parade and passed it off as his own.  Or perhaps Nosferatu really made his own green mush and this is just being edited to make him look bad.  Daddy Tom’s blog suggests that perhaps they both made pea purée and Nosferatu accidentally (and thereby unintentionally) took MassholEds’ thinking it was his own.  Either way, something’s not right, and I doubt we’re going to be given any footage that would prove a definitive answer one way or the other because FINALLY we have some DRAMA!  It’s lame drama, but better than nothing in Miss Andy’s eyes, I guess…

why else does she keep bitches like Teresa Giudice and Jill Zarin around?

Meanwhile, ChesTiffany’s right up in her secret boyfriend MassholEd’s grill and trying to make suggestions for alternative things he can do, such as using broccolini that she has left over, and generally just trying to get him to focus on the tasks at hand and, you know, help him out.  Or is she really out to sabotage him??!?!  Well, that’s what she’d be calling it if it was OranJello doing the same thing, but I guess ChesTiffany is so pure of heart and motive she’s above all that.  Why does MassholEd even need her help anyhow, isn’t he the badass who steals other people’s girlfriends and bangs them in the name of surpassing his unibrowed fathers exploits?  I’m so confused right now, let’s leave these people behind for a bit and watch Daddy Tom as he takes some time out to make everybody nervous and bitch about how they’re not keeping the kitchen clean enough…

I think he just spotted a tampon by the grill

Time finally runs out and now we get to meet the people sitting at Scar’s table…

which includes a senator (and his enormous mouth), a coupla radio bozos, that scary Amish guy from the Poltergeist films and the BozziBot

This looks like the No-Fun Zone™ made entirely of Uptight White People™.  Except actually that Amish dude (John Podesta) turns out to have been the White House Chief of Staff under Clinton, so I guess there’s one guy at this table who knows how to par-tay (or at least score you an intern with loose morals).  Let’s see who Gail got to sit with…

three talking heads from Bravo’s parent network and a gay guy… Gail wins

Nooooooo, Big Gay Art is now Lumpy Middlin’ Gay Art!  I had heard he got skinny, and now his head looks four sizes too big for his body.  Boo.  Oh well, if today’s meal doesn’t put him off of food altogether I guess he’ll be lucky.  Let’s start out with the Porterhouse Pusses, beginning with Miss Swan…

who stayed true to our forefathers’ intentions for porterhouse, which apparently was to have it bore you to tears

Swanella De Vil makes sure to bitchily point out “Mine is on the bone!” which is sorta insulting to the diners in its dead-obviousness.  Maybe next she’ll tell them that clear stuff in their water glasses is wet.  Anyhow, Bloody Mandy just rolls her eyes on the inside and pushes on to present her not-on-the-bone version…

and it’s sacreligious defilement of the porterhouse legacy

They try Mandy’s boneless steaks first, and right away Savannah the White House Correspondent says she thinks both pieces had nice flavor, while Gail says Mandy got a delicious sear on them and her use of salt seasoning is very tasty.  BozziBot really likes the “draping of the meat” (color me not shocked that he would be totally into meat curtains).

As for Miss Swan’s more faithful interpretation, Savannah stops smiling and says “This is like, half a cow!”, and Formerly Big Gay Art agrees, having recently been one himself.  Kelly O’Dehydrated wonders aloud if Miss Swan intended to use that much salt on the meat.  Gail guesses she was worried about underseasoning the steak.  Of course, she couldn’t know about Swan’s I-Hate-Mandy-So-I’m-Using-Up-All-My-Salt Plan.  On the other hand, Radio Bozo Dude at Scar’s table thinks Swan’s beef really does “jump out at you” so it’s his favorite.

ChesTiffany and Big-Haired Andrea are next up with their Dueling Swordfish, starting with the Big-Boobed One…

sorry, suddenly I can’t get the phrase “meat curtains” out of my mind

It doesn’t help that hers look like they’ve broken out in a rash.  Maybe Big-Haired Andrea did a better job?

nope, her swordfish looks like it’s got a bad case of crabs

And just so we’re all clear, Andrea’s beurre blanc is of the vanilla bean and mustard variety, which sounds like a fondue flavor I’ve just GOT to try the next time I get invited to a 70’s Retro Key Party.  So what do they think of these fishydishies?  Poor Kelly O’Dehydrated, first she got assalted by Miss Swan, now Big-Hair is punching her in the palate with that overly-sweet vanilla beurre blanc, and Formerly Big Gay Art says he’s fearful of what it might do to him…

DUH… it’ll turn you back into a fat-ass

Over at the Boring Table, the Senator’s blathering on about how he “didn’t expect” the vanilla flavor, but Scar’s insisting she doesn’t mind that.  Then again, Scar doesn’t mind licking giant figgy low-hangers, so keep that in mind.

As for ChesTiffany, the Senator believes she “gave it some zest”, and Formerly Big Gay Art says there was a lot going on, but it works.  Savannah says she’s never had anything like it before.  The only complaint comes from the Amish dude (but doesn’t it always?) who says he wishes the fish had been cooked just a little bit less.  ChesTiffany herself is upset, she knows she overcooked it and is convinced she’s on the bottom now.

Sticking in the fish vein, it’s time for the Salmonettes, starting with ShortyPants…

look, he made a fort out of it!

…followed by Nosferatu and his (allegedly) pilfered pea purée…

all this fuss over a snotty little side dish

They start with Nosferatu’s dish, and Formerly Big Gay Art really likes the sweetness of the peas against the fish flavor.  Radio Bozo Lady just loves the fact that the small portion is perfect for her petite little stomach, “You’ll walk out of here feeling like you’ve had a great meal… you won’t feel gross!”  Ahhh, spoken like a seasoned anorexic.  Listen, Radio Lady… I like feeling gross at the end of the meal, it’s how I know I got my money’s worth…

and let’s face it, prominent clavicles are not sexy

They try ShortyPants’ salmon dish next, and immediately Formerly Big Gay Art calls it “messy”, while Senator Big Mouth says he’s disappointed by the sloppy presentation and the overall heaviness of the dish.  FAIL.

Back in the kitchen, MassholEd is completely losing his shit, screaming at people and frantic in his efforts to finish on time, but of course he makes it.  He just looks like a huge weenie is all.  He and OranJello are the purveyors of tonight’s lobster dish, beginning with The Citrus One’s take on it…

this dish would be a lot better without the spit foam all over it

Sorry, but I hate that shit.  Blame Marcel Turkeyhair for turning me off of it way back in Season Two.  Next up we have MassholEd’s puréeless pishposh…

OMFG I knew he had more peas!

They start off with OranJello’s seafoamed crustacean, and everyone’s having trouble chewing it, so I guess he overcooked it.  BozziBot says he doesn’t get the whole “foam” thing, he thinks it’s “strange”, and says he prefers MassholEd’s presentation much more.  Kelly O’Dehydrated has finally found a dish whose flavor did not overwhelm her sweet or salty taste buds.  Savannah’s loving the eggplant of Ed’s even more.  Gail rains on the parade though, saying the weakest part of Masshole’s entire dish…  are the peas!!!  She even goes so far as to call them “not necessary”.

Last in line tonight are the LamBruthas, JerseyMoobs and KennEgo, who naturally takes the lead (ALPHA DAWG!)…

and exactly what is he trying to say with that giant erect bone?

After KennEgo runs through all 478 components of his dish in his deathly dull monotone, it’s up to JerseyMoobs to wake everyone up with the fabulousness of his lamb chops…

no matter how overcooked they may be

BozziBot says the sauce on KennEgo’s dish is very interesting, and Gail identifies it as being a sort of fig jam.  NBC Talking Head Guy says he would loved some spinach or other greens to go with it.  As far as Moobsie’s version goes, Gail immediately clocks him for overcooking the lamb, and Senator BigMouth dislikes the resulting toughness of it.  Great, now he’s gonna look even more pissyfaced when he doesn’t win and then blame the judges for not having the guts to want a little variety in their diet… which should include overcooked meat sometimes.

Lunch is over, they send everybody back to their dayjobs with a Prevacid or two, and Daddy Tom comes out to give his report on how Season 7’s chefs did back in the borrowed kitchen.  He says things were a little sloppy and some people were running about and kinda throwing stuff around.  Formerly Big Gay Art speaks up and says coming from “the human side… where food is love… there was love in some of those dishes.”

but not enough to compare with the lusty way he’s eyefucking Daddy Tom

Back in the kitchen, MassholEd’s worked up a really good head of steam over the theft of his legumes.  Let’s not forget he already hates Nosferatu after having been forced to work with him twice already.  He is getting soooo heated, if I were Nosferatu…

I’d be laughing my undead ass off

JerseyMoobs says some of the other chefs are talking about it and that they claim to have seen MassholEd’s pea purée in a blender (I’m not sure how they can identify it as having been his unless there was a name-tag floating in it) and that if Nosferatu stole it, then that’s “kinda grimy”.  I’ll tell you one thing:  I hope I never have to type “pea purée” again for the rest of the season.

In tonight’s vignette, ShortyPants is leading a “seminar” entitled “Being In The Bottom”…

which we normally would call his “interviews”

The others are laughing like crazy because, well, he sucks and he’s been in the bottom a lot.  It should be noted, however, that both KennEgo and JerseyMoobs have been in the bottom the same number of times (three).

Because there’s still a half-twitch of life left in the whole “stolen pea purée” business, here’s Nosferatu to give his side of the story.  He says it’s a “coincidence” that MassholEd couldn’t find his purée, and then he flat-out lies to us:  “I didn’t even know he was making a pea pureé!”…

“What pea purée?… *FLASHBACK*… Ohhh, you mean that pea purée!”

Scar arrives and asks for ChesTiffany, MassholEd… and Nosferatu.  Naturally the Judges are all stonefaced until Scar lets them know they had the best dishes, and ChesTiffany actually starts crying, because she had convinced herself she was going to bottom out this time.

They all seem a little shocked to be on the top, which makes me wonder if their dishes were really a series of happy accidents as opposed to real skill.  However, the heartstabbing comes when Formerly Big Gay Art tells Nosferatu what he really enjoyed about his dish was “that wonderful pea purée!… I could have just eaten a whole bowl of that!”  And the real salt in the wound is that Nosferatu wins this week!…

and if they’re waiting for him to fess up, they should try wishing in one hand and shitting in the other

So he gets his dish on the Hairy Palm’s menu as well as his fugly mug in a caricature somewhere on the premises…

appetizing

When they get back to the Stew Room, ChesTiffany makes sure to mention that the Judges just loved the pea purée, which prompts KennEgo to weigh in that Nosferatu must have stolen it because there was no way he had time to make an English pea purée properly.  At least, I think that’s what the man said, as usual they had to bleep out half of it.

The loozahs tonight are JerseyMoobs, Miss Swan and Big-Haired Andrea, and when they arrive at Judges’ Table, they are greeted by some very angry faces…

Gail’s pissed because she just found out someone sold her a Garanimals Giraffe Top for $200.00

She immediately starts in on JerseyMoobs for making his tomato concassé far too spicy, and Daddy Tom is mad that the lamb wasn’t seared well and was overcooked.  Formerly Big Gay Art says the bones weren’t properly cleaned, which makes him wonder if enough care (or LOVE) was put into the dish.

Big-Hair’s got her excuses ready:  she doesn’t make swordfish often, it’s not a fish she likes to eat, also Mercury was in retrograde and it’s the Year Of The Tiger.  Formerly Big Gay Art says that lack of LOVE came through in her food, and her crappy couscous was gloopy and overcooked as well.  Daddy Tom thinks the dish’s fatal flaw was her use of too much vanilla.

As for Miss Swan, she’s acting like she has no idea why she’s in the bottom until Daddy Tom prompts her to remember the double-handfuls of non-Mandy-sharable-salt she packed into every single steak she served.  Gail compares the oversalting in layer after layer of the dish to be “a bit of a slap in the face”.  Then they are dismissed.

Back in the Stew Room, Swamonella is busily backpedalling, now she’s weeping and saying the reason why her food was oversalted was because she’s “trying to play the game” and season to the level that she thinks the Judges want, when normally her food is really delicate and subtle.  Which is a nice try, but total bullshit.  The judges didn’t want a salt lick for lunch, so stop blubbering…

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION

Hey, how’d you like to hear some more about stolen pea purée?  Me either, but here it comes anyhow in the form of this week’s lame-ass Viewer Poll, which asks a bunch of viewers who weren’t even there to pass judgment on Nosferatu…

wouldn’t it have been great if we could have decided the original O.J. trial via text vote?

Daddy Tom says that instead of making a “Power Lunch” these three made them all want to take a “Power Nap”.  Ha ha.  Then Scar sends Big-Haired Andrea packing while JerseyMoobs and Miss Swan both cry with relief in despair over their friend leaving.  Big-Haired makes me choke a little at the size of her testicles when she actually says she’s disappointed to be going home because she doesn’t feel like she really got to truly show what she could do…

um, you had fourteen challenges to “show what you could do”, how much more time did you need, girl?

Oh well, there we are.  What did you think of this episode?  Should Miss Swan have been sent home instead of Big-Hair for making such a basic error as oversalting?  Does the pea pureé thing seem slightly contrived, or do you believe it went down as you saw it?  Are MassholEd and ChesTiffany boinking, do you think?  And can you believe that tiny little boy Aaron is actually helping run our government???!?

Two last things before I go.  I apologize for the delay on this recap, but here’s part of the reason why I was late:

Chunky the Kitten insists on watching the show with me and making bitchy commentary

And finally, here’s part of the reason why I was busy all weekend and couldn’t write…

Thanks as always for your comments guys, and next week’s show will be up much sooner, I promise.

Love,  J-Mo  : )