OMG remember last week’s Top Chef? Angelo was sent twitching back to his consulting business after taking Sexist Pigshit Mike’s advice to oversalt his food. BOOOOOOOO. I hope he at least got to take some homophobic t-shirt sheets from Target home with him. Poor Angie! He did cry, though, and I love nothing more on my TV than a crying man. It’s like seeing a kid tip over on their bike. Always. Funny.
We open in the stew room, where the remaining chefs are completely shocked at Angie’s ouster. BlazeHawk does his best to make the embarrassed Tiffany feel better. “Definitely thought it would be you, right?” LOL. As usual, spreading sunshine wherever he goes. Who can turn the world on with her smile, Blaze?
Tiffany from Beaumont, Texas doesn’t get defensive and admits that it should have been her. I generally like Tiffany from Beaumont, Texas, but she grates sometimes. I feel like her nose is always shouting at me and it makes me uncomfortable.
Shhhhhhh nose shhhhhh
Not only did Angie have to leave crying and shaking, he had to walk out onto the streets of New York dressed like this:
Dale shows no emotion, cuz he’s super cool like that. He leans back in his gangsta pose and reminds us that at some point all but one have to go so what’s the big deal? He’s pretty confident after winning two challenges in a row. I hope for his sake that every challenge from here on out involves poor people food or he’s out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I’d take a man who feeds me chewed up pretzels and rolos over a guy who serves me duck liver any day. “I crushed an episode!” Fingers crossed for a Dorito’s and French Fries challenge this epi, Dung the Too! If it’s real food that’s not Chinese, you’re FUCKED.
Blaze? Prepares, you guys. Like, HARD. He’s filled two notebooks with his evil plans and he just keeps writing.
His plans even have pictures. Arrows pointing to diamonds.
Sounds like a solid plan to me. Win Top Chef and find a stash of diamonds! He’s like a pirate chef.
Frozen Spitfoam Aaaargh, m’kay?
Blaze and Sexist Pigshit start off the epi as best friends.
OMG I love your hair.
I know, right? What do you use?
Little pomade, little mousse, little Aqua Net.
Aqua Net? Not very good for the enviro.
Um….neither is spraying food with liquid nitrogen dude.
Oh. Ok then I relent. I use horse conditioner.
Crazy. That’s it?
and liquid nitrogen.
I KNEW IT!
Tiffany comes in like she just got a makeover montage in an 80′s movie. The boys tease her about getting all dolled up, but she argues that girls who put on a little makeup and generally try to make themselves feel pretty have less of a chance of accidentally making tortilla soup and calling it chicken and dumplings. They have to hand her that one. If at first you don’t succeed, put on a little eyeliner and some lip gloss.
Today’s Quickfire Guest Judge is that sexpot Meemaw on TV who creams her pants over crushed up corn flakes with mayonaisse, butter, and a jar of Jiffy.
Pawalah DEAN. LOVE HER.
Sexist PigShit sees Pawalah and immediately says the rudest thing he can possibly think of: “My mom loves you!” No woman wants to hear that. No matter their intended audience. She lets it pass, as she probably hears that a lot, and just laughs and laughs and laughs that crazy ass Pawalah Dean Laugh.
Haeyeh I’ve seen y’awll on the tee vayee too! Only thang that could make y’all tastier lookin is a little bacon grease y’aw. I’m gonna slather y’aw eein bayuhcun grease and eatcha ryeeuht uuuuup! HAHA! HAHAHAHA! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Unfortunately for Pawaluh, Beaker Carla isn’t gonna be undone in the crazy face department.
Congratulations, Pawulah, Beaker hasn’t reacted this positively to someone since Elmo was on the show. Last week. Beaker probably makes this face every time the light turns to “walk”.
Antonia knows she’s about to get hit with a butter, mayo and frying oil challenge and she’s up for it. She considers calling whatever she makes Italian and putting fennel in it just to piss people off. Everyone’s excited to see Pawalah, and she’s still cackling crazily. The most excited for a Pawalah challenge is Blaze.
Padma can’t stop staring at Pawalah’s wig pieces.
Y’all maught be ayble ta tayell fromer ayackscent that Pawalah likes her Southuhn cookin’. Heart attacks, high blood pressure and strokes are what Southuhn people give eachothuh ta show love! Sounds good to me. Cheaper than jewelry.
The challenge is to create an amazing piece of fried food in a deep fryer. Pawalah’s fried up macaroni and cheese, lasagna, babies, balls of butter, belly button lint, bottle caps…let your imagination run freeeee! Tiff rejoices. She’s like “girl I’ll fry up Beaumont, Texas if you want me to. That’s where I’m from. It’s tiny. Beaumont.”
OMG putting on makeup totally worked! It’s a fry challenge!
Pawalah warns them not to serve her some lame ass fried calamari on a salad. Love. HER. Antonia didn’t hear the word SALAD, so she’s making a fried shrimp salad. The fact that the lettuce has been drenched in carbs and fat might actually please P. Antonia can call the dish “Fuck you, salad.” It’d get my vote.
DaleDung says that he works in a Chinese restaurant so he can’t even begin to understand why someone would fry salty crappy doughy food and serve it to people. In other words, Dung’s Chinese restaurant doesn’t have a poopoo platter. The city should shut that place down, cuz that’s just CRIMINAL.
Pigshit has a recipe that requires whisking guiltily like he’s jerking off behind a school.
Hey you. You’re pretty. But your food needs more salt. Hehehe yeah more salt. More. Yeah. Stay right there. I…oh….wait for it….ahhhhhh
He’s gonna fry the part where the thigh attaches to the body. It’s called “the oyster.” They should change that. If you offered me chicken oysters I would think you’re serving me nutz. The idea came from this idea he got in this book he saw this morning that Richard had…might have seen a picture of it that Blaze drew in this random book (his?) and it’s just stuck in his head. Inspiration comes from lots of places. Nature. Life. Other peoples’ journals of diagrammed ideas. I get that Blaze “helps” the others, but isn’t handing over a DIAGRAM a little over the top?
Blaze going to fry mayo. With a little coffee and lime. He’s gonna mix this and then drop it into…wait for it….
LIQUID NITROGEN!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Beaker knows she can’t lose a southern challenge, but Ronda and Juanita won’t stop asking for fish sticks. Spirit guides can be like fucking five year olds sometimes. Beaker does as they ask, but the sticks are bland and gross, so she tries to figure out something else with eight minutes to go. Thankfully, she has some quiet to think cuz now Ronda and Juanita are busy having a fish stick fight.
Tiff doesn’t have a lot of fried food in her restaurant, but she has a lot of it on her ass so she totally knows how to make it. She’s frying up wings and pickles cuz that’s what they’d have at any restaurant that serves fried food. How creative! I hope you brought your eyeliner.
Pigshit disses Blaze and Dung for going too crazy with multiple ingredients and insists that less is more. You can’t do less than using someone else’s diagram, so point well taken. You win. You do the least. Cheers!
Antonia zoned out and only made one plate for the judges. What the hell is wrong with her mopey disconnected ass today? I can’t taste her dish, but it looks like a little french guy in a neck brace, so I can’t help but think it’s amazing.
Pawalah looooouhveuhs frahd avacahdow! P is hard to read. If a Southern woman is smiling and cooing at you, BE AFRAID. It’s a whole language you have to learn to decode. “You worked so hard today you tired little sweet pea!” means “You’re late for dinner again, you look like shit, and you’re fat.”
Dung made oysters wrapped in steak, then made a burrito thing out of egg yolks, which he calls an omelette. It looks like a foot.
Blaze has made fried bacon and fried mayo. Pawalah can’t concentrate on the chemicals he’s listing because she can’t stop staring at his hair. She cackles and says it looks like hers does when she forgets to turn the toaster off before she licks it clean.
Ouch. Safety first! I use duck fat and liquid nitrogen. Why are you laughing? Please stop laughing you’re scaring me. Why are you frying up bacon?
Blaze has to be deep and thoughtful, so he’s formed his food into a snowman that got his head and arms chopped off. If it doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable then you can’t really taste the layers.
Poor Antonia just seems so over it, doesn’t she? I feel bad for her cuz she doesn’t look happy.
Just to bring the point home, the editors throw in a shot of her eating between every critique.
How do those feelings taste?
Tiff has the attention of a woman who knows how to work a gimmick, so she smiles big and tells Pawalah she’s from…I forget where….God I wish she’d say it once in awhile…OH YEAH! Beaumont , Texas!! She really needs to stop saying that cuz it’s not doing her any favors. It’s like when someone brags that they used to be homeless. It’s impressive that they’ve risen above that, of course, but you’re always checking to make you leave your keys in your pocket so they can’t steal them.
Pawalah seems to love it, or hate it. Who knows? Southern. Tiff added a little slaw to as a side to her chicken wings. Otherwise known as a salad. People, she specifically listed salad in her NO words! I know what it’s like to say no to salads and keep being served them anyway. It hurts my feelings. Wait. Sorry, that was personal.
I HATE SALAD.
Tiff and Pawalah share a huge fake Southuhn cackle with each other, which seems to worry Dung.
If only they fried things in Chinese restaurants! ARGH!
Beaker fried some hushpuppies to serve alongside fried catfish. Meh. Not too far out there but it’s hard to get too detailed when you’ve got spirit guides sticking fishsticks in each other’s eyes while you’re trying to work.
Pawalah doesn’t even groan after tasting them, and Beaker knows they were too heavy. Sad horns. Pigshit’s turn! When Pawalah refuses to eat chicken nuts on national TV to avoid and all out orgasm, Pigshit explains what the oyster of a chicken is. “I spoofed it by puttin it in an oystuh shell.” LOL spoofed it. He knew enough to steal a big idea, but not enough to actually describe it without sounding like the bafoon he is.
In his earlier interview, he said that he had talked this over with Blaze this morning, but when Blaze sees that he’s been blatantly ripped off, he turns to the camera and tells us that that right there is plagiarism. Oooooh! Juicy! He wants Pigshit to look at him one time and acknowledge him, but Sexist Pig is too busy trying to look down Pawalah’s shirt.
I got your oyster gravy right here, slut.
Blaze is peeissed! He’s got his “someone just ripped me off again” face.
Well, at least I look seventeen.
Pawalah compliments his creativity and he laughs plaque breath onto her and steals the watch right off her wrist. That guy’s really, really good. AT STEALING. When P walks off, Blaze catches Pigshit’s eye across the room and gives him a disapproving sad face. Pigshit winks and smiles and tells us that he’s seen it done before. Case closed! Stealing is ok, cuz it’s precedented. Got it. I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go steal a bottle of Windex to clean the fugslime this useless cheating janky grilled bitch just left all over my TV.
Pawalah loves awall of theyuhm and would be proud to have any of em in her keeitchen! That’s quite a benchmark. She didn’t like Dung2′s food, and calls Beaker’s hush puppies fried spit balls. OUCH. Beaker totally gets it cuz she’s from the South, too! OK shhhhh. Not helping. The only thing worse than making terrible southern food is a being a southerner and fucking up southern food. Say you’re from Cleveland or some shit.
Antonia is already crying when Pawala tells her she had the hands down best dish. Whah did’n ya follow the rooelzz? Anotonia answers with salties, and if there was food on that table she’d be scarfing it right now. Her one chance to win money and she blew it. This girl needs a hug. Or a prescription for something. Sad horns.
Antonia is the winner but since she blew it, Blaze’s fried mayo was outtatheeiswoooorld! Pigshit is also in the top, which thrills Blaze.
PIGSHIT WINS!! LOLOLOLLLLL! Wow. His family is probably sitting around the TV right now looking at each other like “do we cheer or change our phone number?” What. An. Assface. Beaker tries to hug Antonia but she says “GET OFF ME!” HAHA. Chefs are heathens.
Pigshit laughs and smiles at the camera like he just went peepee in the toilet all by himself. Half the people watching this just prayed and called their dentist.
Please. Don’t smile.
He chuckles that he didn’t steal the dish just cuz he saw a little drawing, but I’d bet you cash that he’s gonna go looking for Blaze’s hidden diamonds the second he’s off this show. CROOK! It couldn’t have been Blaze’s dish, cuz Pigshit’s the one who just won 5Gs! Wooohoooo! I just ripped off a dish on national TV a week after tricking a twitchy beat poet to oversalt his food! When I’m done with this show EVERYONE’S GONNA WANNA HIRE MEEEEEEEE!
But wait! There’s more! Not only is Pawala here! There’s also the face of New Orleans cooking! Drumrolll…….Wait. John Tesh is now the face of New Orleans cooking? And I was impressed when that dude learned how to play the piano. Look at you, Mr. Overachiever! Hey. Wait. That’s not John Tesh. Scar needs to learn how to annunciate. I’m really mad now.
s I’m sorry for hating you but you’re not John Tesh. And PS, we ALL own August.
Besh says he grew up hunting and fishing in the swamps, but since the oil spill everything is in danger. Yay! Cook shit covered in oil spill. YUMMMM. Waste not want not. Just when you thought it couldn’t get poorer than Target. Next week, they’ll be roasting homeless people.
There will be a fundraiser for an oil slick foundation or something. I’m sorry but when people start talking about charity I kinda zone. Unless it’s Sweet Charity. God that’s so gayross. Too lazy to delete. Giving things…poor animalszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Scar looks super comfortable right now, doesn’t she?
Pigshit is super excited about this challenge cuz he loves giving back. HA! He actually said that. I’m sure Blaze will be glad to hear it. Hope you brought a check for five grand! Since the general theme of charity work is pain, they will get the help of eliminated contestants that hate them and wish they were dead.
Glad you’ve taken this time to not take a shower, Spike.
Antonia’s not happy because when chefs get eliminated they get bitter and start sending her death threats and accusing her of making French food.
Blaze says picking the right chef is super important and he’s made a chart of pros and cons. Angelo’s Pros: He wears tight jeans and no undies. Cons: He’s still wandering around mindlessly whispering to himself and shifting his eyes after getting beat. He’s a loose cannon. But those tight jeans…
The losers are holding fish, so the Not Losers Yet have to pick who they want and take whatever their protein is, too. Pigshit chooses first and takes BitchTiffany’s boobs.
Yeah I need some protein, skank.
Pigshit lets Blaze go next cuz “he was a big inspiration in the dish I made today!” HAHAHAHAH. Aw. How many pickpockets write thank you cards? You’re truly one of a kind, you donkey faced ole champ! Blaze takes Flabio and snapper, because Flab’s charming. It’s also a Pawalah challenge, and that bitch likes her grease. Smart move.
Beaker takes Tre and grouper. Tiff hates Marcel, but he’s got shrimp. She chooses the white shrimp. Pause. LOLOLOLOLOLLLLL. Everyone laughs and the monkey paces around giggling nervously and smelling his armpits. Because she is being forced to be more specific, she address the monkey by his name. White Shrimp knows that something’s funny, but can’t pinpoint what it is.
This is crazy. We don’t have monkeys in Beaumont, Texas, where I’m from BTW
Antonia: “I’ll take Spike and his crabs.” HAHAHA! We’ll see how funny that is tonight when you’re filling a bathtub with punctured Off cans. Poorangello is picked last by Dung. He must feel awesome right now.
They get 15 minutes to plan, and Antonia and Spike are gonna make crab cakes with sausage in them. Antonia says they have a really beautiful hateful relationship, which is the best kind in a kitchen. Pigshit just stares at Tiff’s rack until she clears her throat and suggests “cover the shrimp with grits?”
Awesome idea! Could you make a diagram?
Dung has no idea what he’s doing. Again. But he’s not a baker either and he won a cookie challenge! With something not baked. So you’re gonna make New Orleans food without cooking anything? Your logic confuses me. Besides, that is so last week. Get over yourself. Pawalah just pooped on your last dish. Angelo advises Dung to just not have a semi nervous breakdown like he did. Slyly, Angelo leans in and coos that Dung is getting under Blaze’s quills. Dung nods in terrified insecure agreement.
Uh huh. Please don’t hurt me.
Blaze hasn’t ever diagramed a southern dish before, but he figures snapper and grits should do the trick. Flabio doesn’t hear the word gnocchi so he’s not happy.
You musha upa da potato! Eets breeleeand mama mia cacciatore!
Blaze stresses that he’s confident even though he’s never made this before, cuz he comes up with new stuff all the time and doesn’t STEAL. Dude, we get it. We’re on your side. Make Pigshit pay! But don’t pout. It’s unbecoming. Tiffany is from the South. YOU ARE?!!? OMG what part?! Dallas? Houston? San Antonio? BE MORE SPECIFIC!
She loves southern food, grew up on southern food, lives for southern food, and is from the south. And…please pack your knives and go. The monkey wants to whisper and strategize with her, but she’s not having it. She doesn’t flick him on the forehead though, so even though she’s being rude she’s showing some restraint.
Tre doesn’t know anything about Southern food, and Beaker says he should turn in his NAACP card. LOL. Well, there’s always Ronda and Juanita to help. They may be blind now, but they still have their taste buds.
They have to shop at some kind of Costco place. Flabio and Blaze are getting along famously. Flab tells Blaze that he reminds him of his ex-wife. Ew on the romance, dude. Why are ugly couples so attracted to Costco? You know you’ve wondered too.
Then they go to Whole Foods, which I just don’t get. That’s not the place to go when you’re on a budget. I got a lime and some cilantro there and it was eight bucks. Assholes! And since when did growing shit not covered in poison start carrying a premium? It was still grown in poop. I want my money back! Beaker tells Tre that she’s in troubs if she doesn’t pull this one off. She says that every week, and let’s face it, she pulls less off than not. I have my fingers crossed for her today. I just hope they aren’t expected to pick out tablecloths or she’s screwed.
Tiffany points out Jersey Fresh Tomatoes and White Shrimp rolls his eyes. “Probably involves fist bumping.” HA. He talks big for a little monkey. I wouldn’t mess with Jersey if I was Marcel. He gets enough bottles thrown at his head in public as it is. I wish I knew him so I could just tell him that people would like him more if he’d just shhhhhhhhhhh.
That night, Blaze won’t speak to Pigshit at the apartment, and it’s hilarious. Pigshit is pissed off. “If ya gonna be a winnah be a winnah if you gonna be a looza go sit in da cohanah!”
But while youah in da cohanah cood ja leave that notebook thingy heah?
Antonia tells the other girls about the robbery and they’re shocked. SHOCKED I tell you. Beaker looks like she’s meeting Elmo. Or Pawalah Dean. Or Jimmy Fallon. Or a bus driver. Or a cleaning lady.
Beaker explains that there is man’s law, and chef’s law. Chef’s law says you don’t steal. Hey, that’s man’s law too. Unfortunately.
What? It’s not like it was a recipe. Set her free!
Sorry, but we already have Applebees. Next!
Dung is mad that he has worked so hard coming up with poor people food the past couple of weeks to get rid of all these fools and now they’re back to torture him. “Like bed bugs.” Editors cut to Spike.
Beaker is making collard greens, but won’t let Tre touch them cuz he uses collard greens in a can at home. LOL. Pigshit is heckling people in the kitchen like he’s at the HaHa. He’s very very proud of winning the last challenge, so he figures he’ll just stick with what he knows. Nothing. BitchTiff makes all his food while he shouts “GET OFF THE STAGE GAY BAIT!” at Blaze.
White shrimp is obsessed with putting shrimp heads in Tiffany’s dish, and she does her best to not lose it and use monkey brains. Dung says that he’s kinda excited to see a ten foot tall sassy black chick from Texas beat the monkey down. HA. Oh and I wanted to say, I have been enjoying the comments debate about whether or not Texas is considered part of the south. The answer is no. We are part of Mexico now. Everyone knows that. And it’s fine by me. You go to a wedding in Texas and you get enchiladas, a pinata, beer, and a donkey to ride. In the South? You get grits, mosquitos and attitude. Fuck that. Mexas is proud to have our own culture, umkay? Disagree with me and I will shoot you.
Thirty minutes til service! The chefs arrive at the charityawn event and it’s super hard to walk cuz everything’s covered in oil. That’s a very dangerous theme. Beaker’s corn bread is a soggy mess so she doesn’t use it and waves goodbye to redemption. I don’t think redemption’s bags were packed for a long stay, poor thing. Two failed southern dishes in a row? Oh, Beaker. I have to pause for a second and remember all the good times.
Real people alert!
This is how real people’s noses move. How gross is that?
The judges arrive, and DaddyTom tries not to fall asleep as Besh babbles on about oil spills.
I have no idea what Mary Hart is really like. Why do you ask?
They start with Pigshit. As they walk away from his table, Scar doesn’t even notice that her bracelet is missing.
Pawalah groans when she tastes it, and Tesh calls it wonderful. Daddy Tom thinks it’s too clean. More oil! Flabio doesn’t have the judges’ food ready, which leads to a leedle argument with Blaze. Be careful BlazeHawk. Flabio’ll write a misspelled doucherant about you over at Bravo. u eestoopeed
Tesh wasn’t sure about the pork and snapper together, but it works. And it doesn’t even have spit on it. Go fig! Dung freaks out over his soup and takes it off the line. Angello insists that the flavors are fine, but he sent out the Dead Sea last week and he talks to himself so Dung’s not gonna listen to him. Chew some pretzels and rolos, spit them up on a plate and be done with it. Pawalah will wet herself.
Horror music plays over at Tiffany’s table. She’s from Beaumont, Texas and she didn’t make enough honey glaze. She sent the monkey off to make some more, but she didn’t get a chance to taste it and suspects his version might have more chemicals than a diet coke. Thankfully, she’s from Beaumont Texas so things should be ok. Beaumont.
Beaker tells her real people that she’s from the south and everyone’s expecting her to blow this out of the park. She doesn’t specify who everyone is, but I’m just hoping she gets something on the plate. If she spent as much time learning to make corn bread as she did working on her hootie hooing she might have a shot. I don’t mean to hate on Beak. I love her. But you hope when someone falls they will get right back up again. When someone just keeps falling over and over, it’s hard to resist pushing them down. It’s why I can never be a physical therapist. I’d kick crutches out from under arms and scream “Stop being a pussy! You can’t handle the truth! GET UUUUP!!!”
Pawalah says she’s gonna be a beeyatch nah abowt mah collard greenznah, I’m sooowreh.
What is this bitch saying?
Too much hot sauce, too much salt. Beaker just hopes that someone bones it harder than she did. Again.
After Pawalah screams “reep it’s head off y’all!”, she decides that she no likey the shrimp. Too sweet. John Tesh doesn’t like the honey glaze. No one mentions that Tiff is from Beaumont Texas, which could be a problem. She did leave the heads on, as monkey requested, and the honey glaze he made is universally hated. Maybe he’ll get kicked off again. Anything to inspire a new rap. I’m begging. Dung is a nervous wreck, and Daddy Tom hates fear. Dung worries that the potatoes are undercooked, and they are.
Scar gets some raw potato and you’d think she just saw a dude her own age naked.
EW. Where’s the back hair and the ballz down to the knees? YOU’RE DISGUSTING.
Pawalah doesn’t hate the stew, but there’s way too much mustard and the judges generally detest it.
Antonia’s pretty confident she’s gonna take this one. I’m just glad to see her not looking like she’s about to cut herself at least one time this episode.
Someone hit her on the back so her face will stay like that.
Looks like she might be right, cuz it’s the only dish that all the judges loved. Pigshit tells us that he’s gonna win cuz it’s his time to shine! Well steal a light and turn it on, cuz that’s the only way that’s gonna happen.
Stew room! Beaker and Tiffany from Beaumont whine that they boned the southern challenge. No one comforts them, cuz it’s pretty lame. Blaze, Antonia and Pigshit are on top! Tesh loved Blaze, and Pawalah cackles and squirts her pants over the food BitchTiff made for Pigshit.
Wait til you see what these gums can do on your girl parts, slut.
Blaze wins!! Aw I thought it would be Antonia. Pigshit is sad. If only BitchTiffany had stolen that diagram book. The prize is a trip to Barbados, and Blaze is gonna take Flabio along with his family. Great now his wife is gonna have to compete with another set of boobs on a romantic vacay. Figures greasy ass Flabio would win an oil slick challenge. Back in the stew room, Antonia begs Pigshit to not burp or fart on her. Wish denied. BUUUURPFAAART. No. Words.
Scar accusingly points out that Tiffany chose monkey. She denies it and says that she picked the shrimp. Daddy laughs like “what’s the diff?” No respect for White Shrimp. Tiff says that she didn’t cook the shrimp, which is insane. The whole damn dish was shrimp, woman! So you didn’t do the shrimp or the honey sauce? Someone better ask her wtf she actually did do. The judges hated it and Pawalah says one of her favorite things to do is rip off heads and suck them dry and Tiff made it less fun. Dung stutters about his dish being under seasoned and Daddy Tom gives him shit for trying to mustard gas everyone. Tesh calls it flavor warfare. That’s witty, Tesh. Now ask WHAT TIFFANY DID.
Beaker says that she knows everyone thought she was gonna do an amazing job. No one agrees. Daddy Tom didn’t get it, and Pawala says nouhn of eeit mayde enny seyense. Back in the stew room, Blaze is gossiping while Pigshit burps. White Shrimp told him that Tiff refused to use any of his ideas, which were all better than hers. LOL monkey. A. you got kicked off weeks ago and B. you fucked up her entire dish with your shitty shrimp handling. Incompetence loves company, so Pigshit laughs that of course monkey had better ideas than Tiffany. Uncool. You know she’s from Beaumont, right?
Tiff comes back and laughs that the judging was sweet. She says she told Marcel how to make her honey sauce but he didn’t dilute it with water. She’s not about to sit up there and blame him for it though. Um, why? You know you’re on TV, right? You’re supposed to blame it on him. And how come no one tattled on the Great Diagram Thief to the judges? This is their second go round. You’d think they’d have learned to be a little more immature by now. Boooooooooo.
In alone time, Pawalah disses Dung’s potatoes and Daddy Tom says his dish was like a hot dog. HA. Beaker messed up her fish and Tiff’s shrimp made Pawalah’s mouth mayad. Tom tells the bottoms off for disrespecting the oil slicked fish, and then….Dung’s OUT!!! OH MAN!! I can’t believe it! He had a chance at another white trash poor people food win and he blew it!! Super disappointing, but he does my favorite reality show thing ever.
Mayo and M&M’s wouldn’t have killed you, dude. Dung’s done a pretty respectable job this season, and it’s kinda sad to see him go. But if he hadn’t gone then this wouldn’t still be happening right now.
Tiffany and Beaker are touched by an angel. They’ve boned so many challenges and here they are. Contrary to popular belief, Beaumont, Texas is a magical place.
Dung says that the first time he was here he didn’t like himself very much and that’s why he was mean. Hopefully people have seen that he’s changed. AW! I see it! But you should have been cut the second you said you worked at a Chinese place without a poopoo platter. I kid, but I get a little teary eyed watching him talk about being a better person. He feels like Superman did when Superman got cut for…oh wait. I don’t know why he feels like Superman. But he does. I don’t really know how to end this, so how bout we all watch Pawalah’s pants fall off?
Thanks so much for being here. I apologize that I am not J-Mo, but he is in LA this weekend to drink with me and make fun of the Oscars. He’ll be back next week! LOVE! And happy birthday J-Mo!!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit