Top Chef: There Are No Moobs In Team

Welcome back, sports fans!  Let’s talk about the food at sporting events for a second.  It sucks.  There, we’re finished.  I mean, okay, the last time I was at a sporting event and actually ate stadium food, the Chicago Bears were playing in the Super Bowl, and the only reason why I even know that is because I had a huge crush on Jim McMahon since he did all these campy shirtless commercials for things like Honda Scooters and paintball games…

can you see why I might have thought I actually had a chance with him?

Anyhow, just so we’re clear, I was not at Superbowl XX, but I did love Da Bears doing “The Superbowl Shuffle”.  Anyhow, most of the crapfood you get at the stadium is deep fried, greasy and is likely to wind up being dumped on the fans of the rival team who have unwisely seated themselves in the home team’s section, along with a generous amount of beer.  Even though I have not been to a ball game in lo, these many years, I have attended events at the same large arenas and I’m here to tell you, this kind of thing does not happen at the George Michael concert (George fans tend to make giant doughy dildoes out of their nine-dollar soft pretzels and wave them around in unison during “I Want Your Sex”).  On tonight’s episode of Top Chef, we’re going to have a chance to watch the six remaining chefs do their worst best at making gourmet hot dogs and chicken fingers.  Or at least using the buns and the grease.

But first, let’s go to the Bilious Brownstone, where things are getting really staged by production really crazy amongst those wacky housemates.  It seems as though MassholEd has put on one of ChesTiffany’s dresses and is walking around the house…

giving JerseyMoobs some wood while he mines for morningboogers

Oh mah Gahhh, ChesTiffany cannot believe that MassholEd is doing that!  Especially when he’s going around with his “all of his nasty chest hairs out”.  Poor Tiff, she’s completely missed the saddest fact and biggest insult of pudgy MassholEd walking around in her dress…

 
it fits him perfectly

BTW, it’s Bloody Mandy that was grossing her out with the undies comment.  She advises Tiff to count her remaining pairs, which might not be a bad idea, although if any come up missing I think she’d be best served by writing them off as a stained and crumpled-under-MassholEd’s-pillow loss.  In any case, MassholEd himself says at this point they’re just “having fun with each other” which is every straight guy’s excuse for jumping into drag.  Perhaps ChesTiffany should count her bras, too.

Miss Swan continues her Campaign Of Hatred™ towards Bloody Mandy, cattily interviewing how “not surprised” she was that Mandy wound up in the bottom at the last challenge, so basically no changes there.  OranJello’s still nursing the fresh anal fissures he got from being on the losing end last week as well, and he’s starting to get loopier by the day as he tells us about how he used to cut out pictures of four-star chefs and put them on the wall and light some of those Glade Scented Oil candles and kneel down and pray to them and stuff…

 
“That sounds normal, right?”

Bloody Mandy certainly doesn’t seem to think so, she says The Citrus One is a little weird at times, “He actually reads Anthony Robbins books, and he talks to himself, and like, says mantras, like ‘You’re gonna win!’ and stuff like that!”…

 
yes, because giggling like a dumbass and twirling your hair around your finger is so much more effective

Jesus, but she is stupid sometimes.  I know OranJello hasn’t done so well lately, but I’d still eat his food over Bloody Mandy’s any day.  Especially after the shit she’s going to put out in this episode.  Let’s go to the Hiltchen!

Today we find that Scar has another loser guest judge from the alumni of Top Chef Masters…

 
recent robbery victim Reverend Moonie!

Yes, this is Rick Moonen, the owner of RM Seafood at the Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas.  I had the chance to breeze by his place this summer on a road trip, and after viewing the menu with my Vegan BFF, and then overcoming my initial shock in finding out that seafood is somehow not considered vegetarian, we opted for Susan Feniger’s place instead.  Anyhow, Moonie is a cool guy, even though he totally has A.D.H.D. and can be a little intense.  ChesTiffany’s feeling a kindred spirit with him right away because he is huge into seafood (this would clearly be the reason why his restaurant is not called RM Taters) and has hopes that today’s QuickFire Challenge will involve seafood.

Scar looks at them all for a moment and then starts speechifying:  “Only six of you remain to fight it out for the title of Top Chef… ‘Top Dog’… ‘Top Banana’… ‘The Big Cheese’… we don’t want someone who’s just a ‘flash in the pan’… do you see a trend here?”…

 
yes, and that tube top means it’s a downward one

She finally lets them all know the QuickFire is all about creating a dish based on food idioms…

 
I guess they had to stop short of “Bop The Baloney” and “Choke The Chicken”

Naturally Miss Swan is all a-flutter (and slightly offended) over how “risqué” the “Hide The Salami” one is.  Today’s winner doesn’t get a buttload of cash, but they will have their winning dish offered by Schwans Home Delivery Of Overpriced Frozen Foods.  Apparently there was some knife-block-pull that none of us got to see, because JerseyMoobs gets first choice, and he snags “Bring Home The Bacon”, which never ceases to remind me of that old Enjoli commercial from the 70′s…

why don’t they make pro-feminist commercials like this anymore?

Bloody Mandy grabs “The Big Cheese” because, DUH, she likes cheese (and big things!).  Miss Swan skitters past “Hide The Salami” and instead takes the far more apropos “Sour Grapes” (the only better choice would have been “Bitter Berries”) while MassholEd (thankfully wearing men’s clothes again) picks up “Hot Potato”.  ChesTiffany first considers “Bigger Fish To Fry”, and then at the last moment chooses “Spill The Beans” (planning to plunk a fish down on top of them).  OranJello takes “Bigger Fish” and their one hour commences.

Naturally Bloody Mandy has decided to make macaroni & cheese because she feels the frozen varieties are a little “lackluster” and because she says up until about age 15 she didn’t eat much of anything else.  I think she’s taking the obvious route, but we’ll just have to let her toddle off to the bottom slots on her own, okay?  MassholEd does his usual complaining thing about Mandy being annoying and a slob and having no cooking technique…

 
*translation*  “She refused to give me a bee-jay.”

OranJello, on the other hand, thinks everybody underestimates Bloody Mandy, saying she’s actually pretty smart and sneaks by everybody.  This is not something that KennEgo ever would have said about her, mostly because it’s kinda not true, but also because he cannot use compliments in the same sentence as the name of any chef other than “Kenny”.  Anyhow, I think it’s kinda sweet that The Citrus One seems to have a bit more empathy for Miss Menstrual Mandy.  Or maybe a boner.

Miss Swan is kinda whining about how disorganized the other chefs are (cue shots of everybody running around) and feels smugly satisfied that her chicken breasts with grape purée are going to be primo.  Meanwhile, JerseyMoobs has reached the Ninth Level Of KennEgoism:  Making Multiple Preparations Of Everything™, because he’s making three different versions of bacon for his “Bring Home The Bacon” dish, and smarmily asserts that his dish is gonna be way better than OranJello’s fried fish sticks…

 
“Also, my dad can beat up his dad.”

The Citrus One (who could not care less about what Moobsie is doing because he has his own shit to worry about) is trying to regulate the oil temperature for his fish satay, and does look a little frantic, but seems confident in his dish.  Miss ChesTiffany’s working with her beans and has decided to use canned ones because dried ones take a really long time.  Oddly enough, no one pops up to fault her for taking such an obvious “shortcut” but I guess that kind of criticism is reserved for OranJello.  She does acknowledge that she is going to have to really work to develop some flavor in a canned product like that.

MassholEd has stopped bitching about Bloody Mandy since he’s realized he has an assload of work to do if he wants to make his gnocchi dish work in an hour, and he’s adding a generous sprinkling of fear-sweat to it.  This is an extremely ballsy move… most of the time people who decide to make gnocchi on Top Chef wind up getting futtbucked because it turns out like little white turds of wallpaper paste, only not as flavorful.  After time runs out, MassholEd’s station is the first that Scar and Reverend Moonie visit…

 
definitely Bertolli quality!

Moonie asks him for a little clarification on the herbs he used in the gnocchi, and Scar says it’s a “lovely Spring dish”.  And it’s using “hot potatoes” so I suppose it actually fits in with the inspiration they were given.  They move on to ChesTiffany and her frozen puff pastry canned beans dish…

 
which is more “Hide The Cod Piece” than anything bean-related

Really, WTF does this have to do with “Spilling The Beans”?  Oh well, Moonie asks how she cooked her beans so quickly and she admits they are canned and that she added some bacon to give them flavor.  Moonie just says “Interesting.” and they head out…

 
leaving Tiff to make Afterbean Face™

Perhaps she did not nail this one as well as she hoped.  They next visit KennEgo II JerseyMoobs and his Alpha Bacon dish…

 
I believe he also said the word “bacon” over the dish several times

Wellnow, how original!  Bacon and eggs, together again!  Reverend Moonie remarks on the “breakfast theme” of his dish.  DUH.  OranJello points out via interview that there is no way Schwan’s could ever hope to make a frozen version of Moobsie’s dish (he’s right, can you even freeze something like bacon froth?  Or poached eggs?) and believes Ole ManTits didn’t really take the guidelines of the challenge into consideration.  Then again, I don’t know that fried fish satay is gonna be easy to convert, either.

Hey, I smell vinegar!  It must be Miss Swan’s turn…

to serve menstruating chicken breast

Mmmm, that looks lovely.  Moonie says it’s “interesting” but nothing else.  I guess that means it is time for The Citrus One…

 
and his “Skewered Little Nemos”

It’s weird, OranJello is all but babbling about he used an “Ancient Chinese Preparation” and suddenly I’m back in the 70′s commercials again…

don’t fuck with the White Lady’s Asian Stereotypes, hot shot!

Unfortunately, Moonie doesn’t say much and just moves on, leaving OranJello looking embarrassed and Moobsie looking smirkily triumphant…

not to mention annoying

Lastly, they come to Bloody Mandy, who says this is her “favorite way to make macaroni & cheese”…

which is to plunk a giant pork chop down next to it

Boy, does that ever look delicate and nuanced!  The Reverend jokes with her about having kept it “nice and light” and she just trots out that tired old “go big or go home” crap, rather than tell the truth, which is “I panicked.”

After a quick purge in the Hiltchen’s lovely unisex bathroom, Scar asks Reverend Moonie which dishes were “the bad eggs” (ha ha ha, Magical Elves, we get the whole “idiom” theme, you little fuckers don’t have to beat it into the ground) and it turns out that Miss Swan’s sucked.  Moonie says the combination of brussels sprouts and concord grapes was “a little bit odd” and that it “just didn’t sing”…

bitter grape leaves indeed

Keeping her company in the bottom is her bestie Bloody Mandy.  Moonie says her dish was like a “sledgehammer to the gut”.  Mandy tells us she disagrees with him, saying she believes her mac’n'cheese was good, and wondering if maybe she should have added a steak on top of the pork chop.

On the plus side, The Reverend says he liked JerseyMoobs Big Ass BacoNation, saying he brought bacon to a “new level of lightness and balance” and that he wanted to lick the plate.  Also he liked MassholEd’s gnocchi (shocking!) saying it was light and well-thought-out… and getting to have his frost-covered mug on a Schwan’s box is…

Mr. TransvestitEd!

Ulgh!  On second thought, maybe this would be a more appetizing choice…

much better

OranJello tells us he congratulates MassholEd for winning the challenge and allows himself a catty comment when he says he could really see Ed’s face on the Schwan’s box since he kinda does look like a potato.  And now a Schwan’s logo!

So for the Elimination Challenge, Scar says they’re going to take them out to the ball game, which excites all the straight guys on the show and you can hear a collective “zzzzzzz” over the land as all the gay guys watching just fell asleep.  OranJello says since he is half-Dominican (good call ValleGirl for having clocked his Latino-ness in the first episode) that baseball is in his blood and he’d still like to be a professional player.  How about tackle the Top Chef thing, first, okay tiger?  In any case, Scar says they’ll be serving “high-end concession stand food” at Nationals Park during the pre-game, which sounds fine… up until she says they’ll be working as a team to serve six separate dishes and then everybody has a nightmare flashback to the last bunch of team bullshit they were forced to do…

la la la laaaaa la, still not missing KennEgo’s faaaartfaces

Ahhhh, good times, no?  Well, they get 15 minutes to plan, and immediately Miss Swan is blabbling over everybody, prompting ChesTiffany to get nervous that she’s trying to sneakily take control of everybody.  Well, DUH, Tiff, this kind of passive-aggressive behavior is what Miss Swan does best.  You been living with her for three weeks now, you should already know this.  Case in point:  Bloody Mandy mentions she would like to do a cold dish, perhaps using crab meat.  Swan immediately says she is thinking of making crabcakes and wants to know if Mandy could consider using fish instead of shellfish.  You can tell Mandy’s not happy, but instead of sticking to her guns and saying “Fine, we’ll have two crab dishes, and we’ll just see how much more they like yours than mine.” she caves.  Mandy complains that Miss Swan thinks of nobody but herself and that it’s annoying, but then again, it’s not a bake sale, it’s a COM.  PUH.  TIH.  SHUN.  She doesn’t believe they’re really doing this like a team, everybody’s just doing their own thing.  I think she’s right, actually.

Anyhow, they head off to Whole Paycheck Market where MassholEd tries to bore me to sleep talking about going to baseball games as a kid with his dad, Mr. Unibrow.  You know where my dad used to take me?  Rock concerts.  We would always sit behind people using lots of weed.  That’s how much my dad loved me.  Anyhow, OranJello’s idea is to make sort of a dim-sum type of thing with sweet pork inside a steamed bun, except Whole Paycheck is totally lacking in Asian buns and he’s left with either baguettes or hot-dog buns.  Neither one is really what he wants, so he decides to go with the hot dog buns since they’re softer and therefore more likely to fuck him over in the end.

Over at the fish counter, Bloody Mandy’s thinking she’s gonna make a “statement” with her dish, so she decides to make a raw tuna tartar, which means her “statement” is likely to be…

“You Too Can Survive Salmonella!”

JerseyMoobs is planning on doing chicken skewers with crispy potatoes.  He thinks this makes his dish both “approachable” and “familiar”, while I say it falls more squarely under the category of “boring”.  Maybe that’s not fair.  Fuck it, this guy is turning into a raving prickhole and we haven’t seen the half of it yet.

Back at the Hiltchen, where they have 3 hours to prep, ChesTiffany’s recalling a place near her Texas home that does Italian sausages with peppers and it’s really tasty, so her version of that is to make sausage meatballs.  By hand.  Hundreds of them.  I suspect she will be bitching about having sausage gristle under her nails shortly.

Over in the “making a statement” side of the Hiltchen, Bloody Mandy’s already prepping her tuna to be tartared.  She says she wants to do it the night before rather than have to try and work with a temperature-sensitive piece of mise-en-place on the following day in a kitchen she’s never laid eyes on.  She winds up going over to OranJello and asking his advice on whether or not she can use the meat-grinder on the fish, which makes the other chefs immediately start to smirk and we get Moobsie saying he would never trust him because The Citrus One “wants to win”, and MassholEd chimes in to say Mandy’s an idiot if she listens to him “too much”.  So I guess good advice only comes from chefs who want to lose?  Why do these people always bitch so much about OranJello giving other chefs advice?  I think I know the answer…

they’re secretly pissed that nobody asked them

In any case, MassholEd’s decided to make skrimp and corn “poppers”, and he plans on doing three pieces per customer, and they have to make enough for 150 customers.  Then he says if we do the math, that means he has to make 550 of them in an hour, which is weird, because when *I* do the math, I get only 450… but I’m not going to tell MassholEd that.  Mostly because he likes to call other people idiots so much.  And he’s not even a recapper!

The labor-intensiveness of his choices is starting to get to him, though, because at one point he’s asking ChesTiffany a question, and when she doesn’t quite hear him over the sound of him frantically rattling prep-dishes and squeezing out his skrimpcorn fritters he shouts his question at her again in that very irritating and demanding “are you fucking deaf?” kind of tone…

“I SAID ‘HEAD’!!!… WILL YOU GIVE ME HEAD LATER???!?”

Bloody Mandy thinks this is a sign that he’s coming unglued and is going to make mistakes that will get him sent home.  Mistakes like sending 150 people to the hospital with raw fish poisoning, perhaps?

Anyhow, time runs out and everybody heads back to the Bilious Brownstone, where they suddenly realize they’re going to need someone to take orders the following day.  Miss Swan immediately says it can’t be her, because she’s all set up to cook her crab cakes in batches and I guess this means she will no longer be able to understand English.  OranJello admires her ballsy ingenious and sneaky-ass way of getting out of it.  JerseyMoobs then says they won’t be able to really know anything until they see the kitchen and how it’s set up.  ChesTiffany agrees with that, but then The Citrus One pipes up that he’ll do it.  Naturally the other five are relieved, especially Moobsie, who says that the order-taking is all OranJello’s problem now…

because that’s how a team handles things, right?

This bitch.  Just wait.  The following day while rhapsodizing about how awesome the Nationals Stadium is, JerseyBitchTits claims that “they” have decided that OranJello’s the one to take orders (which is not at all what happened), but then he has the balls to sit there and claim that he still doesn’t trust him.  Which is just completely stupid, because they arrive at the Stadium for their final hour of prep time and see that the concession stand they’ll be working in is extremely tight quarters, so I’m not exactly sure how Moobsie thinks OranJello would be able to fuck him over during the ordering process and hide it from him, since they’ll be working about six feet apart from one another.  

In any case, someone who’s unnecessarily excited about this fact is Miss Swan…

who is clearly jazzed at the thought of being sandwiched between the Doughy White Boy and the Doughy Blacktino Boy

Ugh, like things aren’t going to be disgusting enough in there without Swan getting a good case of Moist Vahjine™ going!  Perhaps she should learn how to “clean her ears in the shower” and then maybe she’d be a little more under control.  In any case, as they begin their final prep hour, OranJello’s coming to the realization that there’s no way he can take orders for everybody and cook his dish at the same time.  He calls out to the so-called “team”, saying they need to talk about this and pointing out his problem, but everybody pretty much just ignores him.  A possible solution might be to have someone else be cooking and plating his dish, but he feels like if he goes that route he won’t be able to trust that whoever’s putting together his dish will do it correctly, because they will only be worried about their own.  I suspect he’s right.

With no response from them, he then heads back into their midst and tries to pass out order pads, which causes an immediate scared and angry outburst from BitchTits, who throws the order pad back towards the order window and squeals that they’re not gonna do it that way because there’s no way they can each be responsible for taking their own orders and cook at the same time, which is oddly EXACTLY the same thing that The Citrus One was just complaining about.  In any case, OranJello tells Moobsie to chill out, and BitchTits snarls back “No, I don’t have to chill… I don’t have to do a fucking thing…”

“…except sauce this fucking chicken and be a fucking bitchass.”

The Citrus One says “All right, you’re the bad boy on the show.”  Moobsie denies this, he claims OranJello’s the jerk for passing those pads out, saying “We should have discussed it earlier.” which is clearly his way of saying “You promised you’d do it, no fair and no take-backsies now that you’ve realized it’s going to screw with your food.”  In fact, the next thing out of his pissy-ass cuntmouth is pretty close to that, he says The Citrus One should never have put himself in that position but he said he’d do it and apparently he is not allowed to want to change things up now.  Gahhh, this fucktard, I bet if his fat ass was the one who had agreed to it and then realized later the kind of obstacles it was going to present, he’d be bellowing plenty hard to have the others pitch in…

example #94872635 of why Season Seven Sux

Was OranJello perhaps foolish for agreeing to expedite before having seen the setup?  Certainly.  But someone is going to have to do it, and he’s realizing now that he’s going to have to just bite the bullet and put his dish in someone else’s hands, so he tries again.  Eventually MassholEd reluctantly agrees to put together his dim sum, followed by ChesTiffany and Bloody Mandy offering to help as well.  Naturally Miss Swan and BitchTits don’t offer fuckall.  Then, when The Citrus One tries to show him the proportions of his dish, MassholEd says he doesn’t want to do it any more… but he’s just joking, because that’s what you do with people when they’re under the gun like that, is fuck with them a little more.  I think Ed’s mighty lucky he didn’t have his head shoved in the deep fat fryer just then.

Hey, here comes Daddy Tom, just minutes too late to witness more of this season’s theme of bad behavior, and trailing him are three of the most enormous baseball players this side of Babe Ruth…

 
now Daddy Tom gets to explore the pain of being ShortyPants

So Daddy introduces the ball players (Adam, John and Sexy-Fucker Matt) and they actually come back and stand around in the middle of the cramped-ass kitchen to chat with everybody while they’re in their last half-hour of prep-time.  Miss Swan is having some serious Bull Durham fantasies, and Bloody Mandy says these are quite possibly the largest men she’s ever seen (and oh, I bet she’s seen enlargened mens aplenty) and when Sexy-Fucker Matt goes over to talk to her she says she wishes Daddy Tom had not brought these big boys back to distract her…

and give her a serious case of FUPA-itchies

Time is running out and OranJello’s making sure to finalize the menu with all the other chefs, and it’s about this time that Mandy notices her tuna tartare is no longer precisely red, but is taking on more of a gray tone because it is oxidizing in the air.  Mmmmm, gray is a very appetizing color, especially when you’re drunk and hanging out in the hot sun during a baseball game.  In any case, OranJello has noticed this as well and says he could have probably helped Mandy and told her to put oil on the fish so it would not oxidize like that, but he says he had no time to deal with her problems on top of trying to get his own dish done.  Then he gives a mad cackle.

JerseyMoobs is asking ChesTiffany to taste his chicken skewers and she tells us that she gives an honest opinion unlike OranJello, who apparently tells people their shit is good when it’s not, so therefore it becomes his fault when their asses go home for serving bad food and not having a reliable palate for self-tasting their own stuff.  This is the one shitty side of Tiff, and I don’t like to see it, because it’s not like she’s being so much more helpful to people by saying 20 minutes before service that they need more flavor in their dish.  Plus, she didn’t exactly leap forward to offer to help with the whole order-taking fiasco, so in a way, her little assertion that “Nobody is going home ’cause of me.” is not really true…

“OK, what I meant was, nobody I like is going home ’cause of me.”

JerseyBitchTits is still gloating over the fact that The Citrus One is pissed off about having to take everyone’s orders, “He shouldn’t have taken on that role if he couldn’t handle it.”  Handle it, schmandle it, I am sick to death of this fuckstain and his bullshit temper tantrums and whiny hypocriticisms, so the only response I can come up with is a childish one…

and yes, that is my Top Chef bitch shirt that I recap in

Okay, so MassholEd nails him in a slightly more thoughtful manner.  As the hungry fans start drifting towards their concession stand, Moobsie calls out “It’s about to get ugly boys and girls!”, and Ed snaps back with a third-grader comeback “It got ugly the first day you walked into this place.”  Ehhh, on second thought, my double-fuckfingers were better.

As service starts and The Citrus One is calling out the orders, ChesTiffany starts getting a little inflated because all she’s hearing him yell is for Miss Swan’s crabcakes and her meatball dish, and she’s very excited to be a popular choice.  Calm down, Tiff, these people have no idea how the food tastes, they’re simply ordering based on what sounds good.  For all they know they’re ordering a fried hockey puck or a sauced-up grenade.  Ah, but that doesn’t stop our Chesty Swanellas from thinking they’re just too awesome for color TV.  Then the ball players show up again, basically cut in line, and demand one of everything, which I find odd, because baseball players are known for being really careful about things like their weight and their physical fitness…

sometimes

plus they have that gentlemanly image as American heroes to live up to

I’m kidding, they act like a bunch of assholes who get paid multi-millions every year to take drugs and fuck hookers play a game.  I’m not gonna even bother telling you which dishes they liked, because a) they liked all of them and b) they would have eaten fried hockey pucks and sauced-up grenades with the same zeal.  Finally the judges show up (Scar, Daddy Tom, Reverend Moonie and Erique The Rippert) and start off with Miss Swan’s dish…

that appears to be missing the “T” from BLT

ChesTiffany makes sure to tell the judges how she made all 300 meatballs when presenting her dish…

I bet she baked all 7000 pieces of bread, too

And finishing off this round?  Bloody Mandy’s grayfish…

which she has cleverly disguised under a layer of boogersnot

Mandy says she’s worried about serving gray tuna tartare to the likes of Reverend Moonie and Erique, and with good reason…

guess who just got a good look at that shit

She says she really likes the flavor of it, though, so she’s hoping the judges will go based on taste alone.  Up in their seats, the Judges begin to eat, and Reverend Moonie says serving raw fish at a stadium takes some “baseballs”…

mmmyeah, Scar ain’t laughing at that cuz this stuff is way grodygagging her

Le Rippert sez he duz no want to eet a tuna tartare that loogs zo gray (and according to his Bravoblog, it scared him so much that he didn’t, he spit it out) but Daddy Tom says her veggies were nicely cooked and added good texture to it.  As for Miss Swan’s crabcakes, Moonie says she showed off the flavor of it very well, but Scar thinks it’s too salty, and Daddy Tom says if the aim of the dish was to get them to drink more beer, then Swanella succeeded.  Lastly, Moonie thinks ChesTiffany brought her meatball sub “to the next level” which is a Reality TV cliché I’ve grown seriously tired of.  Since when are there “levels” of meatball sub sammiches?  Hers doesn’t look particularly esoteric or refined, it looks like meatballs, peppers and cheese on a bun.  Sorry, I know I’m cranky, but for realsies, could we please shitcan this “bring it to the next level” bullshit?  

there is no reason for this picture, I just thought Moonie looked funny

In any case, Erique says eet eez a beet deefeeculled too eet.  I guess he no likey to get his fingers dirty, which is weird because the French have invented plenty of messy things like the dip sammiches and kissing and ticklers…

so suck it up, wussyman

Now that they’ve gotten the initial rush out of the way, things are moving much more smoothly back in the concession area, to the point where OranJello and MassholEd are even joking with each other a little bit.  The Citrus One says everyone’s on the same page now, and the energy is great… except for JerseyBitchTits, whom he says could be a little more “optimistic” and “positive”…

Jeez, might as well ask him to wear an A-cup, not gonna happen

The Judges come back for Round Two, and start with OranJello’s dimdog sum…

which has two “sweets” in the title, I wonder what the complaint is gonna be?

This is followed by Moobsie’s chicken skewer lollipops…

which have been “done” only one measly way, due to lack of time

And finally, MassholEd gets to give them 12 of the 550 fritters he made…

of which he’s only now realizing he has a hundred too many

They start with his dish, and Reverend Moonie’s liking how Ed’s fritters are crunchy on the outside, while staying hot and creamy on the inside, and Daddy Tom likes the sweetness of the corn.  Back over at the Concession, JerseyMoobs is noticing that his fabulous chicken skewers ain’t movin’ much, and he’s just not sure why, especially since he made sure to pile a buttload of shoestring fries on top of them for the judges.  Speaking of which, Erique is tasting it and mentioning that while zee cheeckayen eez vayree moist an tazteey, hee’z nod likeeng zee zhooztreeng friyeez on tob, zey beecame too zoggy.  Other people are complaining that the chicken was pushed too far down on the skewer and they felt like they may have impaled themselves trying to eat it (I guess people are too stupid to eat a chicken skewer from the side at the ball park, they’re not really meant to be deep-throated).  

As for OranJello’s dimdog sum, Le Rippert sayz eet haz waay too motch brayd, and Daddy Tom thinks the hot dog buns were a mistake because they are too soft and doughy to use in place of whatever dim sum dumplings are supposed to use.  Reverend Moonie says the bread killed the finish of it.  In the end, Daddy Tom says he’s impressed with the variety of food they put out, and thinks that they could not have served all 150 people as well as they did without working together.  He actually even says “There is no ‘I’ in team!”  Excuse me for a minute…. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Tonight’s vignette is all about OranJello and his mail order bride Russian fiancé, whom he says he has only seen in person a few times, and yet he asked her to marry him anyhow.  Of course they talk on the Mobile Device Of Death™ every night and she sounds exactly the way you would expect her to sound…

like Natasha Fatale

Ugh, let’s go to commercial…

I guess Jackie had her own little Fattervention since her last season on Bravo

and why did I get married when I so clearly enjoy secretly ogling other half-naked dudes from behind my Madea sunglasses?

In any case, Daddy Tom’s about to find out there are plenty of “me”s in TEAM, because back at the Hiltchen, Scar materializes in the Stew Room and asks for everybody to come into the Judges’ Table.  Once assembled, Scar wants to know how OranJello wound up taking orders for everyone.  The Citrus One tries to claim that he was “more than happy to do it” because of his experience running his sammich shop, but ChesTiffany’s not about to let him get away with that, she pipes up to say the way it really happened was that OranJello got frustrated and tried to hand everybody their own pad to take their own orders (which isn’t telling the whole story either, but whatever, Tiff don’t like Citrus).  

Anyhow, with her bitchy little TattleBomb™ neatly dropped, OranJello is quickly forced to defend himself and bring up the “incident” that made him try to abdicate, and he starts talking about how he realized it was going to make it impossible for him to cook his own food and he needed to look out for himself, too.  Then JerseyBitchTits jumps in with “Yeah, he made that decision last night that I thought he should have waited ’til today before he spoke up and said ‘I’m gonna take it on’, cuz you could easily say yeah, I’m gonna take the orders and then realize that you might not be able to get your food out…”

“…and Da Moobs don’t hafta cheel out, neither!”

Total bullshit, Moobsie, it would have been same situation if ANYONE had agreed to take it on the night before.  He’s acting like The Citrus One should have just shut up, taken orders for everyone else and not been able to put his own food out.  Also, he refused to help, so yeah, that’s a “teammate” for ya.  And this is the same asshat who was talking SO much shit about how bad of a team EVOO was being two weeks ago during Restaurant Wars because they stuck Nosferatu in the front of the house.  Right before they trounced Forever 21′s KennEgo-driven asses.  HATE.

Scar’s tired of it, too, and asks to move on to the favorite dishes, which are the Secret Lovers MassholEd and ChesTiffany… and the winner tonight, taking home his first Double-Dip, is MassholEd…

hard to tell here if Tiff is gonna hug him or slap him

His big prize is Reverend Moonie’s book (affectionately entitled “Fuck You Jay Rayner”) and a trip to stay at the Hilton in Sydney, Australia, where he can go down to Oxford Street in a pretty yellow dress and no one would bother him about it in the least.  Anyhow, he and ChesTiffany are dismissed to go have a quickie in the Stew Room.

The other four find out from Scar that their dishes were not as successful.  Duh.  Mandy gets nutballed for her rapidly blackening tuna, Moobsie’s assfucked because the myriad components in the sauces on his chicken didn’t come together (plus for people stabbing themselves with the skewers and the utter blaspheme of soggy fries), Miss Swan takes a light slap for using too big of a slab of bacon with her crabcakes (but overall they kinda liked them), and OranJello’s got a moderate buttbleed coming for using that big mushy piece of bun that sucked all the juices out of his pork, plus the oversweetness of the pork itself.

It’s no surprise then, when Scar tells Bloody Mandy to get her shit and get the fuck out…

well, no surprise to us, anyhow

I’m kidding, that picture was from before they told her she was gone.  She’s very gracious in her exit, thanking them for the experience and giving hugs to Moobsie and OranJello, and reluctantly, Miss Swan (who is clearly not unhappy that she’s finally leaving).  Bloody Mandy says she’s proud of how well she did, and that she’s the only sous-chef this season to make it this far (mostly because of other people sucking worse, but let’s not bring that up right now) and that she’s gonna remember this experience forEVAH…

just like we’re always gonna remember that cold sore on her upper lip

And there we are!  What did you think of this episode?  Was it all Bloody Mandy’s fault for her oxidized tuna, or do you believe that OranJello misled her into making that mistake?  Do you guys think it was fair that he wanted to back out of taking orders for everyone when he realized the position it put him in, or do you think he brought it on himself?  And could JerseyMoobs be any bigger of a dick?  I may have to come up with more creative fuckfinger pictures if this shit keeps up.

Okay, thanks so much for your patience, this was my first recap on my brand new iMac, so I’ve been going through a period of adjustment (having been a PC boy my whole life) and now the BF and I are off to Orlando, Florida to hang out with a bunch of other fat gay guys over Labor Day Weekend and get drunk.  Stepping out of her Circle Of Love over in DanceWorld™, we will have the lovely PottyMouth taking over the next episode, so please be sure to give her lots of good comments (and THANK YOU, girlfriend, I needed the break).

love,  J-Mo