Top Chef: Ass in a SingaPoor Sling

Hello again, friends! I’m back from my trip to Orlando, where I spent several days getting drunk by the pool with 400 other fat gay guys, which was tons of fun (no pun intended) and where I went to a dance that was ruined by the WORST DJ EVER. Ugh, you know a DJ sucks when their website claims they’ve “worked with” Madonna, but when my friend asked this douchebag to actually play some Madonna he was told no, because DJ Wikki-Wikki-Dipshit was going to have to shut the set down. Fourteen Rihanna songs (and five full minutes of dead air because this asshole was too busy having a smoke break outside to pay attention to his own gig) later, he finally did shut it down, much to our relief. If I sound kinda pissy about it, it’s because I just fucking hate it when some narcissistic dickbag has to go and ruin things for me and everyone else…

seriously. HATE.

Oh well, sometimes life just hands us a big bag of pork rinds, and we don’t know they’re dogshit-flavored until we bite into them. Ew. In any case, it’s time to talk some shit about it and then move on. Previously on Top Chef, PottyMouth did a wonderful job filling in for me, and we learned a few lessons…

based on Space Dude’s™ face, someone clearly needs to tell Space Chick™ about Secret (and I don’t mean that stupid book)

the size of MassholEd’s manhood came up for discussion

not since Jerry Falwell has praying on TV made someone look like such a dickface

and it all slipped right through ChesTiffany’s frozen-musselled fingers

Yeah, that asinine little bit with JerseyMoobs thanking Jesus for saving him? Is just proof that Jesus isn’t listening to anyone’s prayers, especially mine, because I’ve been praying for a Moobs-free show since right after Restaurant Wars. Stop being such a dick, Jesus.

All right, so there is no more Bilious Brownstone, which is nice, because that means there will be no more having to watch MassholEd getting dolled up in dresses (or JerseyMoobs in his trademark Soiled Tank Top™). Instead we get to listen to some Asian-y sounding hip-hop paired with shots of colorful flowers, lanterns, Chinese characters and giant skyscrapers…

adorned with dildoes

Suddenly we see Miss Swan walking around a street market and interviewing how excited she is to be in Singapore for the first-ever international Top Chef finale. She’s wearing fugshorts and her hair is lank and damp with the heat. And speaking of sweaty, here comes MassholEd lumbering into view, telling us how seriously he takes all of this (thus the urge for cross-dressing) and that “there’s gonna be bloodshed”. Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, I hope he cuts himself, too. He meets up with Swanella and lies to her about how “awesome” his 26-hour flight from the U.S. to Singapore was. And speaking of not-really-awesome, here comes JerseyMoobs…

decked out in a sexy parson’s hat

The one cool thing that MassholEd does in this entire supersized episode is immediately give ol’ BitchTits some shit about the stupid hat. Moobsie tries to laugh it down, but he immediately (and quite self-consciously) takes it off. Then OranJello shows up (in his usual V-neck baby-tee) and everyone fake-hugs him. Then JerseyMoobs starts talking about how huge his wife is getting with his chubspawn, and laughing about how you can actually see the little fucker’s arms and legs moving in her belly. Yeah, I bet she was just giggling up a storm while laying there having , you know, another human being stuffed inside of her and kicking her internal organs into new and interesting configurations. I think JerseyMoobs better get used to jerking off, cuz I bet she doesn’t let him near her vagina again for at least a year.

Anyhow, mercifully for us all, Daddy Tom shows up to welcome them to Singapore and introduce today’s guest judge, who is a one-named Asian icon (much like Madonna, Janet and Cher)…

with a slightly less-impressive title

Although who knows, maybe they have some kind of Michael Jackson-esque martial-arts/dance showdown for who gets the title of “King Of Singapore Street Food” or something. In any case, C3PToh there tells the chefs that they’re hanging out in a “hawker centre” which is basically an outdoor food court, and an institution that “feeds Singapore” (and possibly gives it the squitters if the Wikipedia article on them is to be believed). Daddy Tom takes off so they can go explore the kind of food this place sells.

They head on over to this one poor guy that C3PToh says has been making the same damned noodle dish for over 40 years. Jesus, food service jobs in Singapore suck! Forty years and he can’t even get promoted to, like, cooking Asian pizza or Chinese burgers or something? Perhaps he adds a little Shug Avery pee to the mix every once in a while, just to keep things interesting. Anyways, they get some of this noodle dish and have to stand there eating it off of the plastic plate because there is nowhere to sit. Miss Swan is just amazed that she can actually taste the different cultures in the food, saying that it looks Chinese, but has a Malaysian and Indian twist to it. Perhaps she should have read up on Singapore before going there, because it’s kinda super-close to Malaysia, and a ton of Indian people live there, too.

OranJello’s absolutely ecstatic to be there, he’s just over the moon that the competition has moved to the place that inspires him so much in his cooking, he’s spent a lot of time there and feels like it’s his destiny to be successful in whatever challenge comes their way. MassholEd, on the other hand, feels like it’s his destiny to make lame-ass jokes, like when The Citrus One innocently asks him if he likes black cockles, and his response is a smirky “Not as much as you do…”

chill out MassholEd, it’s not like this (↑) is what he was really asking you

 

Hardy har har. Anyhow, after they’ve finished with their plate of 40-year-old Noodle-Roni, C3PToh takes them to another stall where the “national dish” is made… plain boiled chicken, with broth and some rice. JerseyMoobs feels a kinship with this dish, saying it’s really his “style” which he describes as “clean and simple”. It should be noted that C3PToh described it as “boring” just prior to Moobsie getting nipple hardons over it. He thinks this kinship of boringness gives him an edge over the other chefs. If people falling asleep in their food could be considered an “edge”.

Next they try a non-boring dish called Chili Crab, which everyone loves, even though they’re all crying by the end because it’s so spicy, and no one quite trusts the water they serve in this place. As they move on the next stall, C3PToh starts chatting with the cook rapidly in a Chinese dialect, which OranJello correctly guesses is the Hokkien dialect, thereby impressing C3PToh and annoying the other three. MassholEd says his primary goal is to “kick Angelo’s ass”…

right in front of this Wacky Cooked Food place

Night has fallen (that big dildo on top of the three skyscrapers actually lights up!) and they’re heading to one last place for the evening. JerseyMoobs claims he’s having a great time and that he promised himself he would come out and enjoy the experience “no matter what”. This resolution lasts for another 6.4 seconds, right up until the point where they come across a little side area and see Scar wearing her usual QuickFire-Eating Grin™…

“no matter what” = “until the slightest thing pisses me off”

LOL, this is so not surprising, did any of you think they weren’t going to have to do a QuickFire Challenge? Of course not, because we’ve all seen this show before and apparently MassholEd and Moobsie haven’t. Sure enough, this gives MassholEd a chance to whine about how loooooong his flight was (toldja he lied when he claimed it was “awesome”!) and that he doesn’t even know what day it is right now, and they’ve had no down time, and wah wah wah fucking wah. Nevertheless, Scar says that the final street food that she and C3PToh will be eating is the stuff the chefs will be making, using a wok as their cooking instrument, and only the wok. Sure enough, this gives JerseyMoobs a chance to whine about how he’s in trouuuuuble because he doesn’t really know how to use a woooook. I guess he would have only been satisfied if they had gone all the way to Singapore and this QuickFire turned out to be a burger fry-off. What a dumbfuck.

C3PToh says the guy who holds the wok can make or break a restaurant in Singapore, and many times chefs have to wait until they have anywhere from three to five years of experience before they’re allowed to even touch the wok…

and I bet a lot of them would be pissed if they knew this boob gets to hold one on his first day in the country

I think it’s safe to assume that BitchTits isn’t gonna win this one, which is a real shame for him, because Scar says the prize for winning is actually immunity, something normally unheard of this late in the game, and yet not surprising for this season’s bunch of buttfucks to make sure that someone besides OranJello makes it to the real finale. Scar points them to the table of fresh local ingredients, gives them 30 minutes, and sends them on their way.

Right away, The Citrus One notices there’s a slight handicap against them all…

everything is labeled in some strange foreign language!

Yes, all of the produce and sauces have tags written in Cantonese, which I was certain OranJello spoke fluently, but I guess his love of all things Asian does not extend to complicated pictographic languages. Because of this, everyone is resorting to having to taste the ingredients to figure out what they are (if they can) and in some cases (such as MassholEd’s and JerseyMoobs’) not using them at all if they can’t. Using this method, I would bet a hundred bucks that JerseyMoobs serves a plate of plain egg noodles swimming in soy sauce.

OranJello says he is super-comfortable working with a wok (duh) and starts to give us all a lesson on how critical flame-size is to “extracting flavor” (double duh). He’s working next to Miss Swan, who seems to be leaning towards making a shellfish broth with noodles. She’s really wet in the panties for C3PToe to taste her food, she’s a huge fan of his, has read his book and everything, and doesn’t even mind the giant hairy wart on the bridge of his nose…

and I’m sure he won’t mind watching her white blouse turn into a sweaty-wet T-shirt

MassholEd’s also going with a noodle dish, and he says he’s had a wok at home for years. He doesn’t mention that he’s been using it to pee in when the plumbing goes on the fritz, but nobody needs to know that. Just don’t eat the stir-fry if he invites you over, K?

Suddenly there’s trouble in OranJelloLand… he’s leaning towards making the chili crab dish they ate earlier, but there are just so many good ingredients to use that he’s getting confused about what to doooooo. C’mon, Citrus, don’t fuck it up in the final moments! Leave that to Moobsie, who’s decided to make a curried stew out of a bunch of ingredients (zzzzzzzz) which sounds about right for someone who has no idea how to make Asian food. Or Italian food. Or Puerto Rican food.

Cruelest of all, while the chefs are sweating over hot woks and freaking out over aching dreams of winning $125,000.00…

Scar and C3PToh are having a nice cold beer

Hahahaha, what a pair of bitches! I love it! What I’m not loving is the fact that in the last five minutes OranJello’s decided to change his protein over to frog-legs. Miss Swan gravely tells us that frog-legs can overcook in a split-second, and now she has a glimmer of hope that she might win this round and snag that immunity. The Citrus One himself says the time is just flying by, but he always likes to “cook on the edge”…

and then he can make this face when he doesn’t win

Time’s up, utensils down, hands up! OranJello’s Kermit Gams™ are up first…

which just looks like puke, but the chipped bowl is a nice rustic touch

He’s telling Scar and C3PToh about how he was inspired by the chili crab, and kind of overinstructing them on how to eat the dish, which is stupid, Scar knows full well how to put disgusting things in her mouth.

Next in line is Miss Swan’s Noodle Casserole…

easy, breezy, and super Chinese-y

C3PToh says that not many of the street vendors in the hawker centre would inject the kind of flavors into the noodles like she has, which at first I thought was a huge slam along the lines of those dogshit pork rinds I was talking about before, but then he says he really likes it, so I guess it’s all good, and Miss Swan looks like she might just swoon at any moment.

Just when things were getting interesting, it’s time for JerseyMoobs’ zzzzzseafood zzzzzstew…

inexplicably served with a whole lime, I guess to go with the bottle of tequila you’ll need to wash it down

Scar’s tasting and frowning and flat-out asks “Have you used a wok before, Kevin?” Moobsie laughingly says nopers, this was his first time. “What’s wrong with you?!?!” she demands, and at first he keeps on laughing because he seems to think she’s joking around, saying that he just doesn’t normally cook with one. She’s serious, though: “You’re coming to Singapore for the chance to win $125,000 dollars, did anyone tell you that?”…

“…or have you just been staring at my tits this entire season?”

Standing behind him, MassholEd looks embarrassed at his ignorance and interviews that he can’t believe JerseyMoobs didn’t bother to try wok cooking at all. Moobsie’s starting to get the feeling that maybe his cavalier attitude is the wrong one, and with his nervous grin fading he mumbles something about how he thought it would be better to “study the ingredients” than “worry about a wok”. Ahhh, OK, so if he was so hard at work “studying the ingredients” then I wish he would explain why he didn’t use 95% of the stuff on that table behind him…

cheep… cheep… cheep… cheep…

Oh, but it’s his next excuse that’s the real cake-taker as he tells us the reason he didn’t practice was because “I didn’t have anywhere to practice, I don’t have those huge burners at home!” Bunch. Of. Bullshit. I’m sure they have big burners at that Rat Restaurant he’s so proud of working for, not to mention the fact that it appears they’re using almost Coleman-sized stuff in their stalls right there. This guy is such a whiny pissbag, I’m so sick of his crap, so let’s move on to another whiny pissbag, namely MassholEd…

Noodle-Roni, Part Deux

That does happen to look suspiciously similar to what Miss Swan served, and MassholEd wins no points for mispronouncing Gai Lan as “why lon”. Scar notices that he used two different kinds of noodles and that he obviously knows how to use a wok (insert a sour look from JerseyMoobs here) to which MassholEd replies “I like to wok it out on the weekends at my house.”…

and naturally, whatever woks there, woks alone

Sorry, i couldn’t help myself, but you must admit, my wok joke was better than his. In any case, Scar dutifully laughs and now it’s time for the Moment Of Truth Or Annoyance. C3PToh tells OranJello he did “pretty well” in putting so many robust flavors into his dish, plus he thought the use of the little bits of pineapple was a good trick. He tells Miss Swoon he likes how she captured the “essence of the ocean” in her broth, and also how she “burned and seared those noodles”. As for JerseyMoobs, C3PToh clocks him on trying to recreate the cuttlefish kampong salad that they had earlier in the day, noting that it is a very sophisticated and complex dish… he stops short of saying whether or not Moobsie’s version was successful, so I’m thinking it was not and C3PToh just didn’t want to embarrass ole BitchTits. Lastly, he tells MassholEd he infused all the flavors he was trying to capture into his noodles and that he “lifted up that entire street food sensation”, and now I have a very bad feeling… because MassholEd wins and is now guaranteed a spot in the finale!…

along with eternal hatred from the other three

Naturally, MassholEd says he just knew his dish was solid and that it tasted great and that he “embraced the culture” and most of all he’s loving the fact that OranJello’s making this face…

“fuckEdshitheaddammitfuckEdshitheaddammitfuckEdshitheaddammit”

MassholEd sneaks a look at The Citrus One and glories in the pooface he’s wearing, “He should be upset… I beat him at his own game.” Ugh, I hate it when he’s right. And it’s about to get even more hateful, because Scar drops the bomb that MassholEd’s immunity is going to play a very important role in the Elimination Challenge… since they’re going to be working as a TEAM again! Jesus, you have GOT to be kidding me!! OranJello (and I’m sure the other two) is super upset, he was anticipating just being able to come to Singapore and do his own thing without having to rely on anyone else, especially since the last time they did a team challenge he and JerseyMoobs almost had a slapfight! I think this whole thing is ridiculous and reeks of crutches designed to prop up an already lackluster season with mediocre talent… oh, and to manufacture drama by putting a dickface with immunity in charge of a team. *sigh* Oh well, nothing to do but continue on, it’ll all be over soon.

So the Elimination Challenge is going to be for them to cater a party for Food & Whine Magazine being hosted by its homely-as-hell editor-in-chief Dana Cowin and based on local Singaporean cuisine. Wait, wasn’t Da Cow just in last week’s episode, too?…

once a season is enough, please

Of course, they have to create a cohesive menu as a team (and kiss MassholEd’s lumpy ass while doing it). This also gives JerseyMoobs a chance to tell us that working on a team can be challenging because OranJello is so “difficult to work with” thanks to his having such a “strong presence in the kitchen”. Um, perhaps the reason for that is because he “doesn’t like getting needlessly fucked over by lazy asshats who don’t want to take orders for their own fucking food”, OK BitchTits?

Scar makes things even worse by telling them Da Cow is going to have eighty guests ordering off of their menu, and that they’ll all be cooking the dishes a la minute, which is French for “hold the pickles, hold the lettuce, special orders don’t upset us”. Yup, they have to cook everything to order. Since there is no Whole Paycheck Market in Singapore, they’ll instead have $200.00 each to buy spices and other dry goods to infuse their dishes with, and then they’ll be serving at the Dildo Tanjong Beach Club. Then, with all of her fuckme bombs detonated, Scar sends them all back to the Hilton.

They enter their suite to find chilled champagne and some kind of leather-bound book with each of their names on it. I’m not sure what these are, maybe some kind of menu-planner or something. Immediately they start talking about proteins they’d like to make, Moobsie wants cockles, The Citrus One likes chicken livers, Miss Swan would like to make some kind of red curry fish/prawn dish, and MassholEd says he’d like to do something with pork belly (besides wear it around his own schlubby middle). Now that that’s been decided they have a moment to think and drink, and Miss Swan asks “Do you think we need to have more than four dishes?” Here’s exactly how MassholEd answers that question…

“I personally don’t think so.”

The others all tentatively agree because of the fact that they’re going to have to make everything to order, saying if they had more time it would be way different, but since they’ll only have an hour they want to try and keep things simple. Still, Swanella looks troubled and doubtful that they’re making the right choice here. However, once again, MassholEd tells them “I only want to do one.” and so she gives in, verbalizing their shared agreement to only make one dish. Before they break for the night OranJello warns Mr. ImMassholeMunity that “You better be on point.” Bitch, please, to quote JerseyMoobs, MassholEd doesn’t have to do a fucking thing, he’s in the finale no matter what, he can serve a PB&J with the crusts cut off if he wants to…

which is something this chick would like, I’m sure

The next morning they’re all strategizing about what to cook and how to make a cohesive menu as a team (except for MassholEd, who”s too busy pocketing the mini-jars of marmalade from room-service… oh, and having lame-ass immunity) and OranJello tells him “I wish you’d take this competition seriously.” Well, Citrus, I’m sure he would… if he didn’t have that lame-ass immunity. I’m sorry to bitch so much about it, but this whole situation is just stupid, as evidenced by MassholEd’s response when OranJello jokingly suggests that he just serve a cilantro salad as his dish..

yes, that’s a sign of a team player (and a Top Chef) right?

And he’s just getting started, there’s much more to come. They leave and head to the market, which is surprisingly just as boring as it is in the States, what with JerseyMoobs trying to convince us that he’s really “embracing” these new ingredients and this culture and that he wants to pair them with something he really likes to eat, such as CheeTos and beer. He’s also busy judging Miss Swan’s chances, recalling how “uncomfortable” she was with the only other Asian-inspired dish she had to do (her re-imagining of kung pao shrimp for the C.I.A.). He’s clearly forgotten the fact that she wound up in the top three on that challenge with that dish, while he himself was dead mediocre, so I think he should just shut it.

Meanwhile, MassholEd has found some boxed batter for making fritters, and the box suggests stuffing the fritters with plantains. This gives him an idea for another dish, and he admits that even though they decided as a “team” to make only one dish each, he’s going to go ahead and get ingredients and make a second one. Which is fine, but do you think he mentions this to his so-called “team-mates”? Fuck no, he’s going to keep that fact a little secret and just let them all sink on their own. Which they’re already doing because he has lame-ass immunity, so I don’t really understand his motivation here, other than just being an extra giant dickwad to everybody because he can.

Oh wait, here’s why he’s being such a fuckstain: he says it’s because growing up he had a “learning disability”, so now he’s super-proud of himself for having gotten so far (in the worst season of this show ever) and that “this is proving to all those people that growing up told me that I was basically a fucking idiot that I am good…”

…at being a giant shitdick

He forgot to include that last part in all of his wah-ing and whining. And how is it “good” of him to not suggest to his “team-mates” that maybe they should also do a second dish, you know, while they’re still at the store and can buy some stuff to make it with? Plus, I’ve gotta say it, I had a “learning disability” growing up, too… it was stupid kids like MassholEd who made the teacher have to repeat everything soooooo sssslllloooowwwwllllyyyy for their dumb asses that made school such a nightmarish bore all the time.

Oh well, moving on, they head back to whatever kitchen it is that they’re using for their one hour of prep time, and already things are getting tense. MassholEd tersely calls out to OranJello asking if he “took all the pork”, The Citrus One indicates his tray full of lamb and asks “Does that look like pork?” which invites a stream of pissy profanity from MassholEd, the guy who has absolutely nothing to worry about. Unlike OranJello, who has decided on making a lamb tartare, which he says is risky because it’s apparently quite difficult to “clean” lamb meat properly in only an hour. This is not helped by the fact that MassholEd’s doing anything he can to screw with him at every opportunity while working on his highly-innovative version of sweet’n'sour pork. I think this guy must really be terrified of The Citrus One, it would explain all of his nasty comments and juvenile antics in the kitchen. Meanwhile, JerseyMoobs has decided to make a clam chowder with Southeast Asian flavors while Miss Swan is making “a Kelly version” of the Singaporean dish known as fish-head curry. She says her confidence-level in how good her dish is going to taste is at a “10″…

or that’s how many shots of espresso she’s had

MassholEd better not fuck with her, she has a knife. With about a half hour left Daddy Tom suddenly shows up to stand right in the middle of this cramped-ass kitchen and start berating them all about the fact that he’s looked at the menu for this Food & Whine Magazine party and can’t believe they’re only doing four dishes… “You think that’s enough?!?” Everybody looks stricken. Everybody except MassholEd, who pastes on a shit-eating grin and smarmily says “I planned for two all along.” The other three look too stunned to speak, just kinda staring at Daddy Tom, who says “I really think you guys need to do two apiece!” And because he just hasn’t made it clear enough how big of a jerk he is, MassholEd repeats himself, “Absolutely… I planned for two anyway…”

“…along with screwing my team-mates over.”

To get Daddy Tom to stop glaring at them, the others all agree to do a second dish. In 30 minutes. For 80 people. OranJello is pissed that MassholEd hid his plans from them all, “I’m angry. You have to believe in your team. You have to trust them.”…

not when you have lame-ass immunity you don’t, you just have to worry about whether or not you’re seasoning your food with nasal snotsweat and cheap hair-gel

And he’s not done rubbing it in, either, smirkily calling out “That was predictable, huh?” JerseyMoobs snaps right back at him, “Fuck you, what the fuck am I gonna do?” He quickly decides to make congee, or rice porridge, only instead of using rice, he’s going to use tapioca and finish it off with a 63° egg. I have to say, maybe it’s just me, but that sounds kind of vile. And boring. As usual. Anyhow, also struggling is Miss Swan, who is currently locked in a fierce battle with a can of tomatoes, “These can openers don’t open Asian cans!” she screams in frustration. LOL, evil Asian cans! Eventually she turns to a stereotypically Asian solution to get at those precious tomatoes…

she hacks the can open with her trusty stabby-thingy

 

She’s really getting annoyed with the culture shock (after only 2 days!) and whines “I’m sick of tasting all this shit because I can’t read it!” You’re absolutely right, Swanella, they really should have reprinted all of Singapore’s food product labeling in English before you got there and saved your precious taste buds. Bitch.

Now MassholEd is telling us that “the others should have known that this was the time to knock it out of the park”, which I guess is his way of saying they should have known that he would openly encourage them to cook less food and then turn around and secretly make them all look bad by planning on making more without telling them. This guy is such a piece of work, acting like he’s Jesus Making Loaves And Fishes just because he has lame-ass immunity and is going to turn out a few banana fritters that were a recipe-suggestion on the box of pre-made store mix. Surely he will be praised by many and all until the end of his days. Prick.

OranJello’s trying to right his sinking ship and decides to use the wok (ah ha!) to make a spicy shrimp broth with ginger and prawn dumplings in it, especially since he can turn out a large amount of it in a short time, and I’m hopeful that he’s going to pull through on this one. Oh, and remember how MassholEd predicted there would be bloodshed? It looks like he was right, although it’s not because one of the other three have lost their shit and stabbed him, it’s because Miss Swan has cut herself a good one (I wonder if it happened during Battle Of The Evil Asian Cans) and now she’s forced to put a plastic glove over it and continue working while it gets all hot and squishy inside…

poor thing… and ew

Time ends and the vignette tonight follows the chefs after their prep where they visit a prawn-fishing pond. This gives JerseyMoobs a chance to ask “Does anybody wanna do my worm for me?” Miss Swan (after some initial dry-retching upon realizing the double-entendre) agrees to help him…

and also agrees to unhook the catch for the big baby who doesn’t wanna touch the icky prawn

I agree with Miss Swan, Moobsie needs to toughen up a little. At any rate, the next day they all head on down to the Dildo Beach Club for their final 90 minutes of cooking, and MassholEd is still not done messing around with OranJello through his prickly attitude and under-the-breath commentary. “I’m extremely sarcastic and I think people automatically think I’m just being, uhhhh, a douchebag… but with Angelo half the time I am being a douchebag, though”…

and now, a moment of silence in honor of the first self-aware thing ever to come out of this dumbass’s mouth

It just highlights the fact that he is obviously downright terrified of the thought of having to cook against OranJello on an even playing field and will use any little dirty trick to throw him off, including screwing around in the kitchen. Remember in the first episode when he was one of the ones (along with JerseyMoobs and ChesTiffany) who got all offended that people weren’t “taking the competition seriously” because they were playing cardboard-box-dice in the Stew Room? I guess that doesn’t apply anymore… especially when you have lame-ass immunity.

Here come the serving staff, and everyone is nervous because they haven’t had time to train them or really go over the menu with them. In a surprising turn (or maybe because whatever smidge of conscience he has is bothering him since the giant dick move he pulled earlier) MassholEd takes the lead on going over everything with them while the other three continue to cook… we’re about to see how well that works out.
Here come the judges into the Dildo Beach Club, it’s Daddy Tom, Scar, Gail Simmons and C3PToh… plus Da Cow…

looking… well, not pretty, but certainly vivid in her kelly-green ensemble

Man, that sucks when Gail Simmons can out-sexy you. In any case, they’re all gushing about how wonderful the menu sounds (HA, like they’re gonna actually admit on TV that 3/8ths of it sounds hastily slapped together) and then we cut to the kitchen where JerseyMoobs is freaking out because his cockles won’t open up. Or at least, they don’t until the very last minute when the orders start coming in. Weirdly enough, I almost cared. Even more fun, things immediately start to get fucked up with the wait staff, the tickets are close to unintelligible, dishes are sitting and waiting to go out, it just looks like a colossal mess. Thankfully, the girl who takes the order from the Judges’ table makes sure to mention that to the chefs when she comes back to turn in her ticket. For some weird reason it almost seems like these people are confused by the entire concept of serving food…

“Sooo, lemme get this straight, we take the plates to the tables???”

Finally they get things underway, starting with Miss Swan’s cold dish…

and it’s no surprise that she’s serving up the bitter flava

Da Cow immediately says it has a lot of acid, and Gail says she likes the cool soup with the subtle hint of heat in it. Scar’s pleased with all the Southeast Asian ingredients Swan used, and C3PToh says her concept of balancing sweet and bitter together is quite good.

Next up is JerseyMoobs’ Asian Cram Chowder…

or “Random Asian Things In A Bowl”

I dunno what to think initially because this is the expression that Da Cow makes when she first tries it…

um, is that her yummy-face?

I guess it must be, because she immediately says how delicious it is. I’d hate to see what face she makes when she eats something she doesn’t like, such as a penis. I’m kidding, I have no idea if Da Cow is a twat-twiddler, there’s just always been something vaguely lesbiana-ish about her look. Anyhow, confirmed twat-twiddler Daddy Tom says that he really likes the dish, both the presentation and the clean flavors. C3PToh thinks it’s “nice” in that “it doesn’t shout, it’s not too tame, it just sits very comfortably…”

“I want to squeeze da moobs of da chef that made this borin– I mean, nice dish.”

Wow, so far two for two! Can OranJello keep that going?…

do Asian bears shit prawn dumplings in the woods?

If they do, I’m sure they don’t look like that. Anyhow, Da Cow says the dish is “comforting and yummy” but is amazed at how complex it is. Scar says it has a rare refinement to it, while Gail’s in love with the mushrooms for their texture. C3PToh says he could really taste the prawn flavor in the dumplings and the broth, so it seems like this one’s a success, too. We’ll see if they like his second dish as much…

one thing you can say for Season Seven, this is the first time I can remember seeing anyone do a ceviche

I’m not sure why they skipped MassholEd’s dish, but in any case, Daddy Tom says he likes it, and Da Cow says that while tartare is not her thing it’s making her “want to eat it”. C3PToh says he did a good job (I guess the lambikins were clean enough) and that the rambutan touch was perfectly spot-on. Wow, I can’t get over the fact that they haven’t said a single negative thing about anybody’s food so far.
And now we get MassholEd’s first dish…

because Asian people just can’t get enough sweet’n'sour pork served with “why lon”

Is it just me, or have you guys also noticed how often MassholEd seems to revert to doing potato cakes and fried dumpling thingies? Anyhow, Daddy Tom is just pissing himself to praise this dish, saying that it contains a lot of the flavors he found in the hawker centre, only more refined. Gail’s also being quite effusive, saying how she just loves the counterbalance of the rice cake and the Chinese sausage, while Da Cow says she would definitely have a “bottomless bowl” of it and be very happy. Ugh, the only bright spot here is Scar…

who looks literally bored to tears

Back in the kitchen, MassholEd’s getting all pissy with The Citrus One because OranJello didn’t happen to bring any extra sesame seeds. Gosh, he sure can dish out being a dick, but he certainly doesn’t care for it when other people give it back (and OranJello’s not even being nasty, he just didn’t happen to bring any extra sesame seeds, he told him so, and MassholEd lost his shit over it). As if things were hectic enough, some of the tickets start coming back being written in Chinese, so it’s no wonder everybody is stressed. Ed just needs to STFU about extra sesame seeds. And learn how to read Mandarin.

It’s time for the Judges to try JerseyMoobs’ congee dish…

still looks kinda zzzzzzz

Scar says the egg is cooked beautifully, and Gail agrees, while C3PToh says the tapioca balls are nicely done. Daddy Tom says the flavors are good and that he thinks Moobsie “took a risk” and made the rice porridge “different”. I dunno, I’m starting to feel like all this overly-enthusiastic praise is a little forced, perhaps an attempt to mitigate this season’s terrible casting?

Let’s move on to Miss Swan’s second dish…

which is hopefully blood-free

C3PToh likes the guava that she put in the salad, while Daddy Tom again says it’s a nice dish with good flavors. Gail says it’s both complex and delicious and feels Singaporean.

Last in line tonight is MassholEd’s latest entry into the fritter fray…

two words: pimp spot

Well, the first thing that tells you how they’re going to feel about this dish is the fact that Scar actually wakes up…

or maybe she chipped a tooth

Both Daddy Tom and Da Cow say they are in love with them, and Gail echoes the same thing, she wants an entire mound of them. C3PToh says he would love to put a big blob of coconut ice cream on top of them and that he’s thinking of putting them on his menu. This just sounds more and more like bullshit, especially when Daddy Tom wrote about it in his blog, saying: “It was one of those things you taste where you instantly think, ‘Why hasn’t anyone done this before?!’” Um, I guess he must not have seen the part about it being a from a premixed and boxed package, and that MassholEd admitted it was a suggestion on the box. This is akin to someone getting an erection over someone else combining butter, marshmallows and Rice Krispies and shoving them first into a pan and then into a refrigerator…

omg, why hasn’t anyone done this before?!

Sorry, but I’m not buying it. Not when other people have been excoriated this season for using premade products. And you’re telling me no one else in all of Southeast Asia ever thought to deep fry a chunk of banana? Bitch, please, this is so stupid.

Oh well, Da Cow raises a toast to the chefs now that the meal is over with, Scar says they’ll meet up at Judges’ Table to hand MassholEd another win to find out the winner, and who is going home. Sure enough, when they arrive back at the improvised Stew Room, Scar appears and wants to see all of them. They start out by asking how the teamwork part went (natch!) and everybody lies and says it went really well (OranJello even goes so far as to say he “almost forgot” that he was competing). Daddy Tom says this was probably the best food they’ve had all season…

“Where the fuck have you people been the last twelve episodes?!”

Now we finally get to hear some flaws in their dishes. For OranJello, they had nothing bad to say about his lamb tartare, but Daddy says his soup was more of a sauce and almost had “too much body” while Scar says she found it a little too salty. Gail says the flavor was so intense that it smacked her in the face a little bit. Maybe that can account for why she’s actually wearing a tasteful blouse tonight…

that fits for once!

For Miss Swan, Daddy says the texture of the fish in her cool soup was a little off, and Gail wishes her prawn dish had had more heat, which doesn’t seem like much to complain about. For MassholEd, they just spew love and jizz all over him, the only slight wish coming from C3PToh, who says if Ed had just deep fried the rice cake in his sweet’n'sour pork (gee, like a fritter, perhaps?) it would have been even better. Daddy Tom also says if he set up a truck in the East Village to sell his amazing banana fritters, he’d have every stoner for blocks lining up to buy them. That is, if stoners spent money on anything besides weed. Gail says her only problem with it was that she wanted six and only got two. Ugh, I think it’s pretty clear at this point who is winning this round, but we’ll move on to JerseyMoobs just the same. C3PToh says he wished that Moobsie’s cram chowder had had a little more heat, and that his congee could have had more texture with some toasted peanuts or sesame seeds added to it. Then they get sent back to Pseudo-Stew Room.

Once seated, Miss Swan calmly says she thinks her tour is up. “You think so?” asks JerseyMoobs, unable to disguise the hope in his voice. OranJello quietly tells her that he thinks this time it’s actually his turn to go home instead. Now Moobsie and MassholEd are both looking hopeful. Swan says she’s just proud of the way they pulled it off and worked together as a team, which causes MassholEd to make a rather odd expression…

“WTF are you talking about??!? I tried to fuck all three of you over!”

And that attempt at sabotage is rewarded, because MasstholEd gets the win, and after crowing once again about having “beat Angelo at his own game” he mercifully leaves and we have a chance to look at the lamest Viewer Poll of the season…

4. Having to watch MassholEd be a douche and still win

It looks like Miss Swan’s premonition was right, her tour is over, she’s going back home and now we have yet another all-male finale on Top Chef. I found it especially touching that OranJello burst into tears upon her departure…

ok, to be fair, these could be tears of relief, too

However, it’s my recap, and I don’t always have to be fair, so I prefer to think that he’s actually sorry to see her go. Especially when you consider the fact that The Ctirus One is now alone in a competition with two guys who absolutely cannot stand him, at least Miss Swan was civil to him…

bye you semi-nice lady, I gonna miss you, okeh, yuh

And there we are! Almost to the finish line of this horrible season! What did you think of this episode? Do you believe that this food was the best of the season? Or that they just want us to believe it was? Should OranJello or Moobsie have gone home instead of Miss Swan? And could MassholEd be any more of a prick? I wish that OranJello would beat the shit out of him now, but I have a nasty feeling this is going to go the way of Season Five and we’re going to wind up with Hoser Part II – The Fritter King.

The finale is this coming Wednesday, and I will be in L.A. for the weekend getting drunk with Flipit, so the recap may be a couple of days late, but I will get it done as soon as I can (especially since Flipit has been helping me with some brand new software for my brand new iMac that should make recapping a zillion times easier… at least, that’s what he said). Thanks again to PottyMouth for filling in last week, and please feel free to opine about this terrible episode, especially if you agree with me and want to validate my feelings on the subject, LOL!

love, J-Mo