Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, January 19, 2012 | 9:10 am | 22 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello ‘Gasmii, and welcome back to TVGasm, where eventually we figure our shit out.  At least for now.  Hopefully.  Anyhow, this minicap is gonna have to be mighty quick and dirty, and light on the pictures… I found out today that part of the reason our server kept crashing is because I single-handedly have uploaded approximately a quarter of a million pictures to TVGasm.com, most of them screenshots of food, hairstyles, or douchebags with dicks drawn on their faces…

this never gets old to me

So, my apologies to everyone, things are gonna look a little smaller from now on when you click on a Top Chef Texas recap.  Ah, but they cannot limit my ability to run on for 19 pages about bitchy people who rock at cooking and suck at being likable.  And tonight’s episode had me in the grip of deadly fear from beginning to end…

remember the pre-Glee days when this was what Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” reminded you of?

Anyhow, for starters, tonight’s QuickFire Challenge was actually pretty badass.  The chefs were presented with a mini-baggage claim conveyor belt upon which random ingrediences were placed and began whizzing by them.  They had to pick three ingrediences from the belt and make a dish out of them.  Sadly, this conveyor was like watching all the baskets from that Ted Allen show Chopped dumped out, with most of the wacky stuff sent through and the good stuff held back.  So, if you felt like making a dish with lutefisk, platypus milk and Twizzlers, you were in luck.  Otherwise, you hadda wait for something good to show up.  And if it showed up, you hadda be fast in order to get it before the conveyor sailed it back behind the wall again.  And if it sailed behind the wall again, there was no telling if it would reappear right away, because clearly there was a Magical Elf or two back there playing dirty tricks on the chefs as their cooking time slowly ran out.  And you’re gonna love it for some of them, and really hate it for others, and then really really love/hate it for one person.

From there we move on to the Elimination Challenge being hosted by tonight’s tie-in advertising product, which is a brand new Snow White moving coming out… in about six months??!?  Huh.  Oh well, the guest judge was none other than super-hot mega-babe Oscar-winner Charlize Theron, who is starring as the cruel yet beautiful Evil Queen in the movie and is apparently a huge Top Chef fan.  Charlize is well known for taking on difficult roles where she often plays hideous fuggos that are just as repulsive as every day people…

um, I look like a hot mess on a daily basis, where’s my Oscar?

Some shit just is not fair.  In any case, FuggoChar has decided to ask the remaining seven chefs to cook her an “Evil Themed Dinner” where they are supposed to go all out and do the most horrible yet tasty dish they can come up with.  Ugh, this one is a fucking softball right up Penis-Hair’s alley, and you can bet we’re going to see some fucking liquid nitrogen fumes because they’re eeeeevilllllll.  And because that’s how they do it at Moto.

Meanwhile, Mousy Lindsay and GroanyBooger are still glaring and being all passive-aggressive towards Bore-verly, but in this challenge there is nothing they can do but cook against her head-to-head.  The results were surprising, as this meal apparently blew both Canned Peen and Half Busted right out of the water.  Also, Eric Le Rippert is back from France to foist his bad English on us, and FuggoChar turns out to be an intelligent and thoughtful judge…

and so evil she actually stays crispy in milk

They keep you guessing about both the winner and the loser of this one up until the very last minute.  And while some of you will be relieved but saddened by the results, others will be elated yet disappointed.   Please keep in mind, this recap is going to be a little later than usual as I have been called to a meeting in L.A. with Flipit to discuss my picture addiction.  In the meantime, if you want to see last week’s recap with the pictures, click here.  And thanks again for your patience with all the issues.

love,  J-Mo  :)

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

22 Comments

  1. 1
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 9:47 am

    Ah, the Isabella photo that brought me to TVGasm. It was like a beacon.

    But I called the winner. Not with any certainty but the judges reaction to the winner’s dish just seemed a little more gleeful than to the others. Especially Charlize. She seemed genuinely taken with the presentation.

  2. 2
    sunshine4532
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 11:53 am

    This episode made me sad. Not because of the results but because no one has tried to scalp Penis heads stupid hair.

  3. 3
    mnkid
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy. Sounds great! I know the recap will be worth the wait. I have such a crush on Ms. Thearon…humina, humina, humina. Also, J-Mo you get extree points for mentioning lutefisk in your mini-cap. I love your use of pictures. I hope all will be good.
    Thanks for all you guys at Gasmi do for us long suffering Gasmii.

  4. 4
    Pegster
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    So does, “Meet to discuss my picture adiction” actually equal, “Drink, smoke and eat Milky Ways?”

    And congrats for almost destroying the site. That takes some talent!!

  5. 5
    R2Dcups
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 12:09 pm

    Am I the only one that hopes Moto burns in a horrible fire and that not all the liquid Nitrogen in the world can save Penis head’s stupid hair.

  6. 6
    Pegster
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    My prior comment is reading, “3 of 2 Comments”

    Awesome. YOU RULE.

  7. 7
    myrnatyrna
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 1:37 pm

    So, THAT’S why Penis-head said (a few eps back), “that buys a lot of diapers”…there’s a baby at home with Mrs. Peen! (Good gosh, does he wear that damn ridiculous topknot in bed with his wife? Does the baby wear ill-fitting black glasses and rude slogan tshirts? Do they all sit around the tv, tossing back miracle berries and smoking chicken cigars?) Perhaps Mrs. Peen is one of those “looks don’t matter” ladies, or maybe she’s got a nitrogen fetish. The existence of a wife notwithstanding – I still suspect that Peen and Ritchie FauxHawk were more than just Motobuddies. That’s just me.

    Saddened by the end results – mainly because of the intolerable crapness under which said chef was forced to work, yet still kept a respectable level of decorum unmet by notable others. But overall, this was a really enjoyable episode. There was an excitement and verve that this season has been sorely lacking…I guess this is what happens when you give creative people the freedom to actually, you know, BE CREATIVE in the kitchen (instead of this tired old “We’re in Texas so we must have a Chili Cookoff/BBQ Hoedown” predictability).

    And hey, Aileen Wuornos turned out to be a fantastic guest judge!!! She actually knew her stuff.

  8. 8
    lestermaddox
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Great episode – helped along immensely by the fact that Charlize Theron is obviously much more than a pretty face. And she is funny!

    I was disappointed in the outcome mostly because of how the Quickfire ended. Things could have been mightily different at judging if not for that. But – great cooking, great imaginations, great dishes all around.

    Finally! Finally, an actual use for liquid nitrogen! Who knew?

  9. 9
    kczar
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 5:21 pm

    It was so refreshing to have an episode where all the cheftestents seemed to have done a great job. Charlize bugs me in her Dior commercials but she was one of the best guest judges they’ve had in quite a while.

    J-Mo, I hope your intervention goes well but don’t let Flipit cut you off completely. I love all your pictures you post, especially the kitty porn!

  10. 10
    Val
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    J-Mo, I’m sure that when Al Gore invented the internet he did’n count on your pictures to destroy it! ;)
    Thank you for remimd me of Monster..I think Charlize Theron was overacting in that movie, but, hey what do I know? She got the Oscar

  11. 11
    Val
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 5:46 pm

    What? Where’s my comment? I haven’t finished! Why are they playing the music?! Stop!!
    I was about to say that Top Chef is turnindo out like a big informercial, isn’t? What’s next, Esteban and his guitar lessons?! :)

  12. 12
    Lisco
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:06 pm

    Awwwww but I love your pictures!!! God how I love that Isabella penis picture.
    I agree with lestermaddox….disappointed because of what happened at Quick fire.

    Anxiously waiting for recap. I hope that even with less pics it’ll be 19+ pages because that’ll mean more of your hilarious commentary.

  13. 13
    oodle_noodle
    Posted January 19, 2012 at 6:59 pm

    J-Mo, if your full recap doesn’t include a picture of Charlize smoking weed out of an apple and allusions to her and Padma smoking together, I will be disappointed.

  14. 14
    L Chienne
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 6:24 am

    I agree with myrnatyrna – What a pleasure it was to finally see an episode that had nothing at all to do with chili, BBQ, steak, rattlesnake and rodeos. Texas has been such a snoozefest that the Enchanted Forest is starting to look like a better place to go.

  15. 15
    LAC LAC
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 8:14 am

    J-Mo, it is a good thing that we loveadorewanttoskinyouandwearyoulikelastyear’sVersace or else this fuckbuckle would be the end of you!! ;)

    A good episode, some very clever dishes, great guest judging by the beautiful Theron, and a tough ending. For those who watched the last chance kitchen, amazing how one fat yap can change allegiances, huh?

  16. 16
    mere2142
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 8:35 am

    What’s worse – Penis Hair’s top knot or the horrible droop, oily locks he was sporting in the wedding photo?

  17. 17
    NotWithoutMyTV NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Penis Hair is definitely another one of those grease-slick chefs that I’d rather not have touch my food.

  18. 18
    2muchbravo
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Hmmmm…if elimination had turned out differently so would Last Chance Kitchen. Texasian FTW.

  19. 19
    Hoofy Velou
    Posted January 20, 2012 at 12:45 pm

    I’m still stunned that someone married Penis-Hair and then spawned with him.

  20. 20
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted January 21, 2012 at 6:59 am

    Still have to see the epi, so I’m glad I don’t know the outcome. Hope the meeting went well– Flipit, pleeze be gentle.

    HubbyCat whisked me out of there many years before Moto was foisted upon Chicagoans, so I’m so glad that you mentioned Lutefisk, the regional dish of my adopted homeland, Waaaaaaaay Upper Minnesota and Wisconsin with the U.P. of Michigan tossed in for color.

    More kitty porn, pleeze!

  21. 21
    Chicken Lips
    Posted January 21, 2012 at 8:12 am

    I just watched it and I don’t remember who won but I’m sad by who lost. I called it from the QuickFire though, unfortunately.

    And WTF is with Lindsay and GroanyBooger and their hatred of Bore-verly? Can Bev ever do anything right? If one of them collapsed and needed CPR and mouth-to-mouth and Bev did it, they would probably be revived and then start bitchin’ about how Bev did the compressions a little too far to the left and left lipstick on their face.

  22. 22
    myrnatyrna
    Posted January 21, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Chicken Lips, I think maybe it has something to do with the fact that Bev is petite, happily married with a baby, and a talented chef who keeps winning…while Groany looks like a bloated jelly donut with big gums, and Lindsay has a shlong for a neck.

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