Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Hiya kids! Thanks for being patient, i am scrambling a little to get back on track, and this here Minicap should catch us up… but first I wanted to show you guys the reason why I’ve been a little late…

we were hangin’ with Mr. Flipit!

That was taken on the night of the last PodGasm (and boy was it a fun one, if you haven’t heard it yet, you can listen here) and I just realized that I’m flashing my lower belly in this shot… again. I promise you guys I am not planning on making a habit of showing that off, no matter what you saw in the last recap, and I suppose my late New Year’s resolution should be to get my hands on some T-shirts that actually fit (or steal some of Flipit’s clothes, ha ha!)

Anyhow, we’re not here to talk about my big fat belleh, we’re here to chat some more about Top Chef Texas, and what went down in last night’s episode. To begin with, I can’t believe how much I’m actually missing Bore-verly…

we need more gently wacky nutbags in all of our lives

On the plus side, we know she’s still lurking around in the background because she won Redemption Kitchen and sent a mighty bitchy and pissed-off Divot Diva Nyesha into the Pathetic Pit with the rest of the bitter-ass losing chefs. Hag Heather probably has them all plotting her death as we speak, but we know for sure whoever gets sent home tonight will have to face The Wrath Of Bore to get back into the competition. Give ‘em hell, girl.

So the QuickFire Challenge was guest judged by a real lesbiana this time around…

one with iron chefballs who still manages to look purty

I love me some Cat Cora, partially because of her name, partially because of her southern accent, and partially because she can stand tits-to-belly with other big name famous male chefs and 2 out of 3 times she sends their asses back home with a big fat check mark in the LOSS column. We also find out that she’s co-hosting a new Bravo cooking competition show that will be like Amazing Race meets (and has sex with) Hell’s Kitchen. Her co-host will be Curtis Stone Fox from Top Chef Masters.

In any case, the QuickFire Challenge itself was a combination of a mise en place triathlon and a three-legged race, because the chefs had to be paired up, Mousy Lindsay with GroanyBooger Sarah, Ninja Eddie with TexAsian Paul, and Jobless Grayson with Penis-Hair Chris. This makes for some harmonius backslapping and mutual masturbation (MousyBooger), some awkward superstition and strange self-doubt (TexNinja), and a big blabbermouth crossed with a big doofus (JoblessPenis). They each have to clean and cut some corn off the cob, make fresh fettucini by hand, and peel, clean and butterfly a buttload of shrimp. Damn! Bore-verly would have been so good in this challenge! Thankfully there ain’t no more immunity, just cold hard cash for the winners, and just which team that is may surprise you…

dunno why they’re congratulating each other when they’re
actually lower on the Fan Favorite scoreboard than Bore-verly

The big twist comes with the Elimination Challenge, because they force the pairs to have to turn on each other and compete at a fake Block Party, each doing the same dishes, only with their own spins. Then they are forced to immediately decide on a main dish and side dish with almost no time to spare. The best part is watching their faces when they find out that these dishes they’ve already chosen will have to be made in a low-fat healthier incarnation to pacify show sponsor Wealthy Choice…

why did we decide to make chocolate-covered butter sticks?

Other things we find out in this episode? GroanyBooger doesn’t wanna compete against her bestie Mousy, especially if it’s not a risotto-related dish. Also, Ninja Eddie hates hungry little boys. And Penis-Hair seems to have a bit of an anger-management problem, coupled with an intense fear of being bitten by bees…

don’t anybody tell him that it’s the stings you really gotta watch out for, it’ll freak him out

In the end, my love for Jobless Grayson has been cemented for all time, because this girl is just plain fucking FEARLESS…

don’t fuck with da Cheeseheads, Daddy Tom

You are going to get a HUGE kick out of the exchange she has at Judges’ Table, so check back for the full recap in a few days (I promise). In the meantime, if you have work to avoid, check out the recap of last week’s show that I just got posted. See y’all soon!

love, J-Mo

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