Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, February 2, 2012 | 10:25 am | 36 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

OK, this has been one crazy fucked-up season of Top Chef Texas, but nothing could really have prepared any of us for the Guest “Judge” on last night’s episode… have you ever imagined meeting a weird little kid who is kinda super-smart yet prone to immaturity and free-associating outbursts and the occasional flailing dance move? Hopped up on Ritalin? And sugar? Then get ready to either fall back in love, or climb the walls screeching and tearing your own hear out, because that flailing spastic twerpy nerdgenius Pee Wee Herman is about to send this show into a bizarre neverland of strangeness. What’s even more amazing about Paul Reubens (other than the fact that his last name is a kind of sammich)? Well, to rip off borrow a quote from Vallegirl’s awesome Drag Race Recap…

bitch is 60

You know what else is amazing? If you google images of “Pee Wee Herman”, the second picture that still comes up is his mug shot…

aww, don’t be sad, Pee-Wee… everybody masturbates

I have long been disgusted by America’s preoccupation with other people’s sex lives (when we should all be busy getting our own up and running better) and our insatiable need to punish people for having natural urges. What the fuck ELSE are you supposed to do in a pornographic movie theatre? Take notes? Eat popcorn? Cry? Talk back to the screen? Please, the only reason why this was such a story was because Paul Reubens was part of a successful children’s show, and apparently, whenever you become associated with children’s programming, you are supposed to turn in your penis, because you’re not allowed to use it any more. Also, I don’t think his Jesus-hair helped him out much, either.

In any case, the chefs seem a little skeptical of Pee Wee being a food judge, especially when their QuickFire Challenge is to make him some pancakes, and he proceeds to tell each and every one of them that they have made him “the best pancakes [I've] ever had”. Even though one person doesn’t really even make him pancakes. Also, SOMEONE USES LIQUID NITROGEN. Probably because Penis-Hair isn’t there to hog it all like he usually does. Also, someone underestimates the color-fastness of rainbow sprinkles, and it is DELICIOUS.

Then, for the Elimination Challenge, the crazy unbelievable shit starts coming out in buckets, starting with this…

GroanyBooger’s bringing up the rear? NO WAY

So not only do they have to bike around San Antonio to pick up their ingrediences, they also have to go find a random kitchen at a random restaurant that will allow them to cook their food. And then they have to bike it all back to the Alamo and serve it up as lunch to Pee Wee, Scar, Daddy Tom and Gail Simmons…

and Gail almost wore a pretty dress… but Pee Wee’s face says he knows the truth

Based on the Magical Elves patented See-It-Coming-From-A-Mile-Away-Edit™, I pretty much called the winner of this one by about fifteen minutes into the episode, and the eventual outcome is going to be rather frustrating to say the least. Check back in a couple of days for the full recap (plus a lot of screenshots of Pee Wee, because his face never stops) and while you’re waiting, check out last week’s recap.

love, J-Mo :)

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J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

36 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Why did Scar insist upon saying ALMO and wearing those hideous animal print old lady shoes? Did she fire her stylist this season?

  2. 2
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Pee Wee as a judge of fine dining chefery? Well, if they let a lanky golddigger with dried old-man jism on her teeth be a judge week after week, then why the hell not? The first season’s host, Mrs. Billy Joel, didn’t judge, if my memory is correct, and I think that’s the way it should be. Every time Padma glares down some poor shlub because she is high and mighty and expects cowering and crying from those who displease her, I wish somebody would tell her to go shit in her hat.

  3. 3
    R2Dcups
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

    Say it aint so jmo say it aint so!

  4. 4
    Chicken Lips
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

    PeeWee Herman? Really? Did Uerkel cancel and they couldn’t get a hold of ChaChi so they hit up PeeWee?

    Do you think they let the guest judges bring their spouses? Is PeeWee still married to fruit cocktail? That is one of the only things I clearly remember from the Playhouse…that and his giant underpants.

  5. 5
    S-Natch S-Natch
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    “…have you ever imagined meeting a weird little kid who is kinda super-smart yet prone to immaturity and free-associating outbursts and the occasional flailing dance move? Hopped up on Ritalin? And sugar?” – OMG, J-Mo, you just described Mr. S-Natch to a T and solved the mystery of why he loves Pee Wee so much! Now I see the oh-so-annoying-and-sad light. Thanks for saving my marriage! XXOO

  6. 6
    featherhead
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

    I loved how Jobless’s face fell when PeeWee went to the next chef in line and told them “These are the best pancakes I’ve even eaten”. I was LOLing! I’ve never liked PeeWee but I didn’t mind him this time.

  7. 7
    myrnatyrna
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    We true-blue PeeWee fans NEVER left him…even when the chips were down. So, good beans on him for being able to stage a comeback at 60!

    (And yes, Elvira still ROCKED that look of hers on Drag Race. That cleav is insane! Canna getta Ru-haaah? Canna getta woop-woop?)

    I was WAY peeved at the judging for this ep., by who won it and who was Auf’ed. And I’ll never be able to “unsee” the image of a sweaty, out-of-breath GroanyB so close to people’s food. Yuck to the NO!

  8. 8
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    C’mon, Crankyguy. Tell us how you really feel!

    Somehow my real life imposed on my Gasming and I was out and missed the epi. Grrrrrr. Can’t wait for the full recap, J-Mo. I have no idea who was sent packing, but why am I afraid that it wasn’t one of the Dreadful Duo?

  9. 9
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm

    I’m a Pee-Wee fan too. Why I like him and despise other infantile num-nums like Austin Scarlett, I don’t know… but Pee Wee makes me laugh. And yeah, spanking it in a porn theater isn’t so shocking. It’s not like he whipped it out at Chuck E. Cheese.

    And Gail did ALMOST pull off a look, didn’t she? Almost.

  10. 10
    BedHeadJen
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 2:09 pm

    Pee-Wee may have been asked to judge after they spotted him at the Alamo, looking for his bicycle.

  11. 11
    crazy rooster
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    @Chicken Lips, I’m pretty sure I read in Us Weekly that Pee Wee and the fruit salad went through a rather nasty break up. He got the cherry in the divorce though.
    Maybe he is ready to marry up to some pancakes…

  12. 12
    NotWithoutMyTV notwithoutmytv
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    If it would return my love, I’d marry a pancake.

  13. 13
    crazy rooster
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    Unrequited pancake love would fall flat

  14. 14
    keebler elf
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    is it me or the way scar was talking to pee wee was weird..like he was a child or something

  15. 15
    Val Silveira
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 5:51 pm

    So, we don’t know who will come back from the island?! I bet is Bore!
    *I meant to do that!* ;)

  16. 16
    SuburBint
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 6:03 pm

    @ keebler elf – I haven’t seen the episode yet, but did you see the episode last season with Sesame Street characters? She spoke to them like they were mentally deficient, I hope she doesn’t talk to her kid the same way!

  17. 17
    NessieBird
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    Seeing Groany on the bike, all I could think was “I cannot wait for the recap.” Can’t wait to see what else you’ll have to say.
    As for Gail, I had trouble paying attention to her near-hit dress when her hair was a disgrace. It looked like a head-suit from the low-flow Seinfeld episode. Gah.

  18. 18
    keebler elf
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 8:42 pm

    @suburbint
    lol no, this is my first season watching!

  19. 19
    lestermaddox
    Posted February 2, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    Apparently I am not as good as J-Mo at reading the editing because I was totally surprised by both the winner and the loser this episode. And not in a good way.

    You know it has to be Bev coming back from LCK, otherwise why all the drama? If it were Nyesha coming back or one of the other previously eliminated chefs it wouldn’t matter. I finally figured out what it is about LCK that I don’t like – it is that Tom is the one making the decision about who stays and who goes (well, him and the editors). He says it is based on the dish they made, but is it really? I don’t think so.

  20. 20
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 12:30 am

    I wept.

    Like, I literally shed some real tears over this shit.

  21. 21
    Chef pants
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 6:16 am

    After Jobless talked back to Daddy last week I knew she was gone! I watched that show that comes on afterwards so I could see my girl one last time and wow. Just wow. That show is a complete wreck!

    I don’t know if this is my extreme heterosexualness getting in the way, but I would totally smush Gail. I don’t care what her dress looks like or even her hair. Me, Jobless and Gail…mmmmm!

  22. 22
    featherhead
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 6:37 am

    When I saw Groany riding the bike I couldn’t get the song from Wizard of Oz that played while the wicked witch was riding her broom.
    @Chef pants – we usually try to skirt around naming the winners/losers till the main recap as to not spoil it for others that haven’t seen the episode yet.

  23. 23
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 7:08 am

    Um, Chef Pants, Since I missed the show, I was waiting for the full delightful recap to find out who won and who lost. Please don’t include spoilers in responses to mini-caps. Thank you. Notice how cagey J-Mo is when he recaps?

    Luv, SSC

  24. 24
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 7:14 am

    featherhead, you’re gonna have to explain what you mean in comment #22. Well, you don’t have to of course, but for me to understand how anything was given away, you will.

  25. 25
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 7:17 am

    You mean the spoiler? Telling us who lost?

  26. 26
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 7:20 am

    featherhead, never mind. I thought you were quoting Chef pants, but you weren’t. That what I get for reading comments from the bottom up.

  27. 27
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 7:29 am

    Count me in with the two commenters above who suspect that Daddy’s judging is not “all about the food,” as he so vehemently claims. If you even look at him the wrong way, or if he just doesn’t like you, for ANY reason, then you ain’t gonna win the so-called coveted title.

  28. 28
    featherhead
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 10:18 am

    @crankyguy, you had me confused there for a minute! No worries.

  29. 29
    2muchbravo
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 10:34 am

    Daddy Tom said on WWHL that Grayson’s talking back about the meatball was one of the funnier Top Chef moments. I think it would shock everyone if Bore was the one who got back in the game and be a right downer to an otherwise interesting season if she somehow managed to pull a win out of her little ass. Be right up there excitementwise with Hosea’s win.

  30. 30
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 10:48 am

    Daddy Tom said on WWHL that Grayson’s talking back about the meatball was one of the funnier Top Chef moments.

    I watched him say that with a smile oh his face, but that doesn’t mean he’s not seething with unquenchable rage inside. He strikes me as a passive aggressive little bastard. Yeah, I could be wrong, but I’m never gonna admit it.

  31. 31
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 11:06 am

    I don’t think so. Tom’s never struck me as someone who has much of a filter and loves to get into it when he smells BS, but Grayson nailed him fairly. I think he likes to scrap with people and will accept when he’s been bested.

    Nothing I’ve seen from him says passive-aggressive. If anything he’s flinty and prickly and I’m surprised he hasn’t sprained his eye sockets from the aggressive-aggressive eye rolling he does whenever someone defends an indefensible dish.

  32. 32
    oodle_noodle
    Posted February 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm

    I loved Gail’s dress. LOVED. I have been frantically googling to find it, but no dice. I NEED THAT DRESS IN MY LIFE. Any one know where to get it?

  33. 33
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted February 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

    OMG J-Mo have I told you I loved you lately? As I was watching the episode I was actually wondering how you would handle the “movie masturbation” thing. I would have been a wee bit disappointed if you’d slammed Mr. Reubens. Yet you didn’t! You understand he’s a fucking human being! Oh, and I think I peed a little when I read the “turn in your penis” line.

    Can you tell I LOVE Pee Wee! And Paul! At his age dude’s still got it. I can’t wait for the facial expressions pics. NOT so much the stinky-sweaty-CLINGY-tee shirted Groanybitch.

    Also, in case anyone is keeping tabs, I’m on the “Bev is a passive-aggessive (and sometimes just plain aggressive) I didnt measure up to Mommy and Daddy’s standards so I’ll take it out on other people while pretending to be the nicey-nice aw shucks poor me I’m a victim” camp. Whew. Glad I got THAT off my chest.

  34. 34
    Seth
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    Are we not getting a recap for this episode? I’ve been checking multiple times a day. I’m so disappointed!

  35. 35
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted February 7, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    Sorry Seth, yes, a recap is coming, I uploaded and was ready to publish, but more site issues screwed up the pictures, I have to reformat, but it will be up in the next couple of hours, sorry for the delay, thanks for your patience…

    love, J-Mo :)

  36. 36
    Seth
    Posted February 8, 2012 at 12:14 am

    Thanks, J-Mo! I can go on living now! :)

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