Minicap: Top Chef Texas

Top Chef

By J-Mo | Thursday, December 8, 2011 | 10:01 am | 14 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hi again, ‘Gasmii. Well, here we are, with Top Chef Texas still in Dallas, and if this was one of the seasons of The Real World, I’d say that this episode was the point where people “stopped being polite”…

Bitchy Top Chef 0906 00
and started getting real supermegabitchy

But we’ll get to that in a minute, first of all we have to check out this week’s QuickFire Challenge where the winner gets to win immunity… and a big fat check made out for nada dollars. I guess maybe they’ve run out of money? I dunno, but if we see the remaining chefs humping their way down to Houston on a Greyhound, we’ll know for sure. In any case, the challenge tonight was for the chefs to take one of each of the “mother sauces” and make it into…

Awesome Rainbow Sauce which is actually the “mother sauce” for TVGasm.com

Initially I was kinda lost on what this challenge was really about. Thankfully, my BF explained it to me. Or he tried to, but then a commercial with kittens in it came on TV and I stopped listening. Then he got really mad at me and said I never listen to him (or something along those lines) and I was like, “KITTEHS!” and he was like, “I’m gonna disconnect the cable TV!” and I was like “SHHHH, can you get me another soda, babe?” and he was like “I’m leaving you.” Hey, did you guys know that there is such a thing in professional kitchens as a saucier? And no, it’s not the biggest smart-aleck in the bunch, but a chef who is responsible for cooking all kinds of saucy sauces for all the dishes they’re going to make that evening. Very important position. It’s kinda like being the Holy Spirit Chef under Jesus The Sous-Chef and God the Executive Chef… nobody sees him, but you know he’s there.

So what are “mother sauces”? Well, I thought that was that gloppy stuff we always found left behind in green bean casserole after you take a big spoonful, but apparently these are the five basic sauces of French Cooking, and they are: Tomato, Häagen Dazs, Velour, Esperanto and Zooey Deschanel. The chefs each get assigned one, and have to pull a Paula Abdul on it and make it with alcohol their own…

Bearnaise Sauce Small Top Chef 0906 02
and sadly, no one gets saucy with Bearnaise

For once, the winner is not a total dickbag. I’m sorry to say, the rest of the chefs do not follow suit, as the Elimination Task is the dreaded You-All-Have-To-Cook-A-Four-Course-Meal-For-200-People-As-A-Team-While-Slyly-Fucking-Each-Other-Over-Challenge, and it involves making not one, but two courses with steak. Penis-Hair offers to make his special “steak cigarettes” but luckily nobody listens to him because he’s still trying to make his Pebbles The Samurai™ look take off…

Chris Jones Pebbles Samurai Hair Top Chef 0906 03
yabba dabba dumbass

Naturally this means Ty-Böre is right there to tell us how awesome sauce he is at cooking steak, so he agrees to take on making steak for 200 people, cooked perfectly medium-rare. Then he goes and stabs himself in the hand and has to go spend the night bleeding in the ER. This means he is in the market for getting one royally lubeless buttfuck at the hands of his “teammates” who not only manage to help him screw things up but one of them makes a point of not mentioning their role in the breakdown to the judges. We also have some light Dessert Drama™ and it looks like Heather is well on her way to dropping the “Fag” from my nickname for her, and going with just plain “Hag” instead. On the other hand, the target for her anger is Bore-verly, and so actually I’m kinda liking the bitchy side of our biggest BBW on this cast. And at the end of the day, I am going to be spared having to type one of my least favorite nicknames for most of the rest of the season.

Come check back in a few days for the full recap, and in the meantime, you can check out last week’s recap here!

love, J-Mo :)

J-Mo
About

J-Mo is a great big fat hairy homo (and he tends to be attracted to the same) who lives with his big fat non-hairy BF in the Valley Of The Sun, a.k.a. Phoenix, Arizona. By day he is an account manager for a giant corporate megaconglomerate and his greatest joy comes from not having to speak directly to the general public any more... also, he can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never never never let you forget you're a man.  By night (when he's not recapping) he is a co-choreographer (and the Fattest Backup Dancer In Captivity™) for one of Phoenix's most talented female impersonators known as Devina Ross.  He is also still a part of the Rhythm Nation.

14 Comments

  1. 1
    mere2142
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 10:48 am

    All these years later, that photo of that crazy lady from Wife Swap still gives me nightmares! Can’t wait for the full recap J-Mo.

  2. 2
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 10:57 am

    That woman is seriously one of the scariest things in the universe.

  3. 3
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 10:58 am

    She was from Louisiana, wasn’t she? That’s where you’ll find the Hantz family, and she bears a striking resemblance. If she’s not a Hantz, she should be.

  4. 4
    Chicken Lips
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 11:40 am

    I have a sneaking suspicion most people in Louisiana are somehow in the Hantz family…that clan has a “one state, same last name vibe” to it, Crankyguy.

  5. 5
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 2:02 pm

    Well, maybe everyone outside of New Orleans. Because all the folks in New Orleans do voodoo. And that shit is dark sided.

  6. 6
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 2:42 pm

    Wait, I thought that was DORK-sided!

    love, J-Mo :)

  7. 7
    Sue Sylvester
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 4:13 pm

    We have to claim Margaret but I’m afraid the Hantz boys are Texans. Despite what those in the more “sophisticated” parts of the country believe, we in Louisiana have electricity, cars, and even parents who are not related to each other.

  8. 8
    Detinha
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:16 pm

    A Voyota Tenza for the winner?! When they’ll start giving away the books and wines?!

  9. 9
    Chris Velazquez
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 9:31 pm

    I’m honestly surprised at how many people I’ve seen pissed at heather due to her behavior last night. I didn’t see anything particularly wrong with it. Plus she’s far more tolerable than the freaks on this show. Chris Scary and Dry-Bore freak me the hell out, Penis-head is a walking fashion faux pas, Dakota needs to lighten up, Mousy Lindsey looks like she’s about to havee a breakdown, Sarah Groanybooger is obnoxious and her teeny tiny Michael Jackson nose freaks me the hell out, and Edward lives up to my nickname for him, Unhinged, due to how he always seems annoyed and/or pissed off, and because of his strange jaw that works sideays instead of up and down. I still refuse to believe he’s human.

  10. 10
    lestermaddox
    Posted December 8, 2011 at 10:30 pm

    My only issue with Heather’s behavior is that it always seems to be focused on Beverly. She just kept ranting about Beverly taking so long with those shrimp – but excuse me, cleaning, shelling, de-veining, and poaching 400 shrimp isn’t gonna get finished in an hour. And this wasn’t the first episode that she was constantly harping on Beverly – she did it at the Richy Rich house party also.

    Maybe Beverly didn’t do all that much, but she didn’t do any less than the woman who made Edward’s cake (again), or the one who made undercooked potatoes, or the one who made butter and sauce.

  11. 11
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 3:36 am

    Yeah, I felt that Heather was bullying Beverly. And Bev just took it. I was waiting for that woman we saw at the meat counter to come out and tell Heather to jog on.

  12. 12
    MyrnaTyrna
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    I can barely toast a Pop Tart, yet I think I could’ve made a better potato au gratin than that…hmmm, what WAS her name? That shiz looked nasty and gummy.

  13. 13
    Fan-Ann
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 3:50 pm

    J-Mo I like your names for the “mother sauces” better than the originals. At least this week Penis-Hair left the sunglasses off of his coiffure. I wonder if he lost them or someone finally told him he was looking foolish while trying fo be cool. I guess we’ll see next week.

  14. 14
    chaosbutterfly
    Posted December 9, 2011 at 11:06 pm

    Daddy Tom is seriously in no mercy mode this season.

    I love it.

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