Micah Crazy Pants was sent home in the last episode, and I was seriously worried that I’d be bored not having that psycho energy around anymore. Well, shame on me for not having faith. If there’s not a fire, Bravo will light a match and start one. Did they reinduct Betty for another round? Nope! Did they bring suicide guy back for a final nudge off a bridge? Nope! Even better! They delivered the season’s first team challenge, which turned normal, sweet players into complete wrecks in less than an hour! Burn, baby, burn!
This week, Top Chef taught us there’s a club for everyone, bikinis can’t cook, and you only have to be married for three years to get alimony.
Howie tells us that after last week’s win he’s got some “wind under his belt”. I’m glad your nuts are chill, dude, but your sail boat’s not moving. Dumdum. As per usual this season, there’s not much “at home” personality goin’ on with this cast. Hung speedwalks around the kitchen with an ugly look on his face, Joey breathes heavily, and Bunny Foo Foo over-enunciates her explanation that someone got kicked off last week. Really, Bunny? Thanks for the info. When does the sewing start?
When the Chef’s walk into the Not Kenmore kitchen. Scar is waiting for them with a table full of martinis! YAY! Theme party! I’m going to BevMo. The good thing about AA is it’s always there tomorrow.
Today’s Guest Judge is Jamie Walker, who’s billed as the “Global Master Mixologist for Bombay Sapphire Gin”. Hmmm, bartend much? Jamie’s got an English accent and a faux hawk, so he’s already on probation with me.
Straighten your tie and comb your hair. Your in your forties, for cryin’ out loud.
The task is to create an appetizer to pair with one of the multi-colored creations on the table. Jamie tells the Chefs that one of the most difficult things in the world is pairing food with alcohol. Duh. That’s because your supposed to drink till you can’t walk and then eat to recover. If you eat before or during your drinking binge, the food impedes the alcohol from getting into your blood stream properly. Who’s the professional here?
Bombay has ten “uniquely vapor infused botanicals to use as a platform to create a plethora of cocktails”. I hope this guy’s never my bartender. He sounds like Niles Crane and Bunny Foo Foo’s love child. And I don’t mean that as a compliment. Just shake me a martini and shut up.
The chefs have 30 minutes to create a fabulous dish for their drinks, and of course Hung is hellapissed. He picked a rasberry mint flavor, and it doesn’t go well with the “elegant food” he cooks. Riiiight. Maybe you could kill a crawfish or something to make yourself feel better, dick wad.
Guest Judge Jamie wins me over a little bit during his critiques. He’s not over-complimentary to say the least, and when it’s time to pick his bottom dishes, he calls Joey’s scallop risotto “too robust, too heavy and too clumsy”. I couldn’t help but think Jamie worded it that way as a chunk slam. British people are tricky like that.
Did you just call me fat?
Jamie makes me smile even wider when he calls Hung out in the bottom. The drink was too sweet for his balsamic salmon with sour cream. Hung, unable not act like a shitty little bitch in every single frame, smarts back: “So sweetness doesn’t go with creamy,” and nods like he’s talking to a special child who is incapable of swimming in the deep end. You’re speaking to a Global Master Mixologist, Hung. And PS, no. Rasberrys, balsamic vinegar and sour cream do not taste good together. Ass.
Jamie liked Bunny FooFoo’s French toast baguette with pecan crusted fois gras, and he gives her extra points for her overly perfect enunciation and useless explanations. He appreciated Tre’s silence throughout the Challenge (HOLLA!) and his halibut and watermelon wasn’t bad either. His experience on the show seems to have beaten Tre down a little bit. He doesn’t crack a smile once. Even when he’s being praised, he is clearly over it.
You like my cooking? Kiss my ass, bitch!
Rounding out the top 3 is BaldHawk’s fois gras and parsnips. Jamie likes him cuz he too is holding on to that Hawk way past his prime. Hawks of a feather. Don’t believe me? Look around you. Old men who drive tiny convertibles are always friends. ALWAYS. Human nature’s a stinker, isn’t it?
Bunny FooFoo wins!! I am proud of her, since it’s her first time. She says she’s happy, but you wouldn’t know it from the look on her face. I barely like this chick, and I am more excited for her than she is for herself. Perk up, lady.
“I’m absolutely thrilled.”
The Elimination Challenge is the first team challenge of the season. YAAAAY!!! The team challenges are usually overused and I bitch and moan and throw things at my TV, but like the fat that keeps you warm at night and safe from hot men who treat you like crap, you miss it when it’s gone. Well, I’ve still got my fat, but I would miss it if it was gone. I’m hungry.
No picking knives for this task. The Chefs will choose their own teams. Yikes. Good luck, Hung. You’re gonna end up with Joey and Howie, if there’s a God. And…there isn’t! What could have been a fifth grade dodgeball draft flashback turns into a bore snore “let’s all put our names into a pot” fest. Damn you, Brian!! Fairness and maturity sucks. At least Joey and Howie are together. Ok, so there’s kind of a God. Just as I suspected.
I have to take the time to congratulate Scar on leaving her old wrinkly hubby now that she’s famous enough to stand on her own. Go, Scar! She stayed with him just long enough to get alimony. He must be absolutely shocked she wasn’t with him for his hairy back and sun spots. That said, I still can’t understand a word she says because every time she comes on my screen I picture her lap dancing on wheel chair bound invalids. Since I have to understand the challenge to write this recap, I went to Gail Simmon’s blog for an explanation:
“Our contestants were split into four teams of three, and asked to cook a four-course dinner, with each course created in the form of a trio. The overall purpose of a trio is to have a chef demonstrate three different techniques using one common ingredient, allowing the diner to taste how varied the results can be.”
Thanks, Gail! In honor of the challenge, I have ordered three different toppings on my pizza. Mmmmmm. The whole team thing is a disaster from the start. Hung is pissy because he is on the fourth course and doesn’t want to be stuck with dessert since he’s not a pastry chef. Hubbub hubbub hubbub. Since taking off your shirt to get in a hot tub isn’t involved in this challenge, Howie doesn’t sit insecurely on the sidelines today. He starts barking out orders, which offends everyone. BaldHawk is on his team, and he’s like…
OH HELL NO
…and immediately offers to switch with someone on dessert. Unfortunately for Bunny Foo Foo, BaldHawk’s ship jump stuck her with The Cave Men, Joey and Howie. Poor Foo. She’s not happy, and who can blame the girl? They’re gonna eat her alive. Literally.
Why the long face? Did you win again?
Howie isn’t happy either. He thinks Foo Foo has a big head because she won immunity. Really? All you did was bow your head and sweat profusely before you caught a win last week, Flinstone. Be nice to the Bunny. Joey has been pretty quiet the past couple episodes, but being put on the same team as Howie has really set him off. He runs to the pantry and starts binge drinking during commercial break.
Hey! Good idea, Joey!
Since BaldHawk changed it up, Hung decides he can, too. He moves off dessert and onto the first course with Brian and Lia. Lucky them. Camille takes his spot, and even though she’s pretty clueless with pastry, she feels like she’s baked enough to pull it off. Oh, Camille. Why would you let Hung run all over you like that? You had the easiest course of the meal! The weak don’t survive on this show, and I worry for her. A beautiful face and great rack don’t get you ahead. Unless you’re looking for a hosting gig.
The next morning at the Fountainbleau, The Cave Men are hatching their brilliant plan to win this thing. They have to work with the same main ingredient, so what should it be? What do you think these two would pick with accents that heavy? Pasta. OY. At least they didn’t pick connolis. Foo Foo rolls her eyes and talks them out of it. She hates their guts, and they hate her right back. For a moment on the balcony, while Howie sweats and Joey wheezes, the two meat heads seem to bond. Awwww!
Cave Men Unite!
To make this challenge even more difficult, each team is only given $150. No one has enough money to make what they planned, so they have to change up their recipes and proteins at the last minute, leaving them pretty frazzled by the time they end up at their location, the lovely Barton G.’s of Miami: Perfect for a romantic anniversary or a private party! Call now!
Brian gets to chill, because he has decided to go with raw shrimp for his portion of the first course. Hullo? I hope he gets grilled for that later. How many times do the Judges have to remind these Chefs to cook? He tells us not to worry. He’ll be using the essence of tomato. Ah, ok then. I take it back. Dumdum.
BaldHawk brags to us that he came up with the idea to use pineapple as his team’s main ingredient. GROSS. I wouldn’t brag, dude. That’s a pretty lame thing to base your dessert on, because whoever doesn’t like that sick fruit is gonna have to eat it three times. Go with chocolate. Go with cream. Hell, just put a teaspoon of sugar on the plate. Any choice would be better than that one.
I hope he doesn’t get eliminated for this decision, because his hair fascinates me. No one on his team is a pastry chef, which leads to the question: Why the HELL are you doing dessert? Dessert is not required. Ugh. Camille’s cake is having the most trouble. Now would be the time to pull out that bikini and start working on cue cards, pretty lady.
Up next, rubbery pineapple cake! Stay tuned!
Daddy Tom comes into the kitchen to check on everyone’s progress, and the only thing he can really find to diss at this early stage of the game is The Cave Men’s decision to use soy sauce. Joey tells us that Daddy is always poking at him, trying to ruffle his feathers. He just nods to Tom, but when he’s alone again with his team, he starts raging. That damn Head Judge, how dare he judge me!?! Fuck! Cock! Fuck cock! Asshole pussy cock cock fuck! Ok, class master, we got it. You’re upset. Take a breather and have a snack. No, I didn’t mean the Bunny. Stop looking at her like that. Go to the pantry.
The Guest Judges for the night are members of the ChaÃ®ne des RÃ´tisseurs, who describe themselves as an “International gastronomic society founded in Paris in 1950, devoted to promoting fine dining and preserving the camaraderie and pleasures of the table.” Gastro Geeks. They show up wearing sashes and medals like they’re there to represent their own tiny, prissy ass country at a UN gathering. Scar condescendingly compliments their getups like she’s giving a puppy a treat after it peed outside for the first time, and Ted asks them if they earn the medals based on how much they can eat. LOL, Ted Allen. When the gay guy’s making fun of your gayness, it’s time to come up with a new reward system.
The problems in Iraq can be solved with good cheese. Here, here!
Hung, of course, hears the word “elite” and gets one of his tiny boners. Elitist food for prissy diners? Who should he reference? He thinks of his BFF, Marcel, and adds a Monkey Spit Foam to his sauteed shrimp and corn pudding portion of the shrimp trio. Aw, sweet. Corn, shrimp and bacon sounds disgusting to me, but I’m sure the addition of what looks like a popcorn flavored Jelly Belly loogie will win this table over. Prissy foodies love disgusting food. Sounds ignorant, but this show has yet to prove me wrong (on that point).
If there isn’t a Monkey Spit Foam medal, there should be.
Daddy Tom says Brian’s raw shrimp in ceviche marinade was a bit salty, but he loved Lia’s poached shrimp and says the first course was an overall success.
Will the second team’s tuna trio be so lucky? Howie doesn’t think so. He’s used to having time to agonize over his work (we know, Wanderer), and his team sucks it. Jesus, Howie. Are you ever positive about anything? And where’s Foo Foo? She is in the pantry for a looooong ass time. What the hell is she doing in there? Did she find Joey’s Bombay stash?
The Judges weren’t thrilled with the second course, but they didn’t hate it, either. Daddy Tom thought Foo Foo’s tartare sounded good on paper, but her execution was lacking. And those teeth! He tells the Gastros that she has immunity, so if they choose this team as the bottom, it will be between The Cave Men. Joey’ll be lucky if this crowd doesn’t toss him on the grounds of ignorant enunciation. Gastros don’t refer to anything as “tooner”. Good luck, big boy.
Trio of Tooner
The trio of tenderloin was mostly a success, too. Tre’s mushroom risotto went over well, and no one had a problem with CJ’s carpaccio, either. Sara N’s simple, seared slice of meat didn’t fly, though. One Gastro said you could have ordered her dish at Denny’s. Ouch.
Hey! Don’t diss Denny’s! They at least give you a side of fries with your crappy meat!
This has been waaay too easy so far, but don’t fear. The trio of pineapple is next, and it’s not looking so good for the final team. Even Joey says the plate looks bad. He’s usually so sweet and complimentary. BaldHawk’s dessert is a mess, and Camille is looking a little stressed. She is on top of the stove and sticking out her butt trying to earn extra points where she can. So in one episode we get a butt shot and bikini shot. I can’t help but fear the editors are giving us one last good lookin’ party before the season of total uggo goes into effect next week. On the other hand, look out, Scar. You’ve got some serious competition.
Up next on Top Chef, Upside Down Pineapple Crack. Stay tuned!
The Judges hate on the fourth course.
Sara M’s cream tastes like frozen store bought bs, one portion of the trio is like an English dessert, “which is absolutely dreadful”, and Daddy Tom calls “that pineapple thing” nasty, which pretty much covers the entire dish. BaldHawk tells us that they should be rewarded for putting themselves on the line. Sorry, dude. Have you ever seen this show? Put yourself in the line of fire and your ass gets shot.
C. Club on the head and plate.
Time for the Judge’s Table! Only Barton G. was kept from the group of Gastro Geeks, and he looks like Liam Neeson on a Krispy Kreme diet. No one gets why the fourth team would choose dessert when a. they couldn’t cook it, and b. they didn’t have to. THANK YOU. It’s agreed that that course is the bottom, by far.
I am sorry, team four. I cannot put you on my list. You will die a horrible death at the hand of the Nazis.
Schindler called the shrimp course the best. Daddy Tom chose Lia’s olive oil poached shrimp as his winner, but Ted chose Brian’s. He said overall, his shrimp dish was “poetic”. Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub. Yay, God! Lia wins! Have you guy’s noticed that Ted’s input never really counts? Just pointing it out now, because as we’ve seen on his Bravo show, he gets ruffled fairly easily and I am hoping he gets bitchy with Daddy Tom soon.
Queer Eyes fall on Deaf Ears
Back to the show. Lia’s excitement makes me smile, because she was really dissed last week and I like to see the Peppermint Patties of the world get ahead sometimes. Her win is acting as Guest Chef (free labor) at a charity event in the Hamptons this Summer. What, no books to plug, Schindler? The sweetest part of her win for me is that tiny Hung lost on the shrimp challenge. Now that’s poetry, Queer Guy.
Two teams are called in as the bottoms: Pineapple Disaster and Team Tooner. First of all, who’s bright idea was it to use pineapple? BaldHawk said he might have suggested using some sort of tropical fruit…LIAR!! I now hate BaldHawk. Get rid of him. Ted says “You jumped on a big sword with that decision.” Raar, Queer Guy. At least keep it in your pants til the cameras stop rolling. BaldHawk starts sweating like Flinstone and tap dancing. He figured he would prove his worth if he could pull off pastry, and Daddy Tom counters with “That’s a big if.” Owie.
Shuffle Ball Change
Sara M cops to never having worked with powdered gelatin, and Schindler wants to know why she would chance it. She answers that every good Chef takes chances, but Scar said doing it in front of a bunch of pansy ass sash wearers was probably the wrong choice. Good point, Scar. Daddy Tom asks Camille why she’s so quiet, and she strips down to her bikini. Too late, your cake sucked it.
On to the tooner. Daddy Tom says the reason they were called in was because Bunny Foo Foo’s tartare was completely busted. She says she was out of soy sauce and forgot to put salt on it. HAHAHAAAAA. At least make something up that makes you sound like a little bit less of a dumdum, Foo Foo. Scar asks The Cave Men if they tasted her dish, and when they say no, she yells at them for not making sure the immune dish didn’t taste like cardboard. Flinstone mutters “It was a mistake in judgment” and Scar snaps back “a drastic mistake.” Damn, Lakshmi. No reason to be a bitch ass.
Foo Foo starts crying and says that she hates being covered in a guilt blanket and it’s not fair for someone on her team to go home because her dish crashed and burned. So…you quit? Don’t pull a Mia, now. She doesn’t. Instead, she makes the most pitiful face she can and chews on a carrot.
Take me instead! Wait, no. Scratch that.
She doesn’t quit, but back in the holding room she sobs, apologizes, and calls herself stupid and retarded. Aw!! Come on, hon. Perk up. There were other dishes that sucked way harder.
The Judges hated the bottom dishes so much they aren’t sure who to can. Camille looked hot in her bikini, but she can’t seem to talk and her cake was made out of cornmeal. Sara M used the Gelatin defense, but Daddy T says that’s severely stupid. “Read the box.” LOL, Daddy. He wants to send BaldHawk home for deciding to do dessert in the first place. If he knew BH also forced pineapple on his teammates, he would definitely be out, but BH lied well and I think he’ll slide through this time. Joey’s tastes weren’t bad, but Tom hates that neither he nor Flinstone tasted their team mate’s dish.
Can we send someone home for being stupid?
Apparently, yes. Camille’s out. BH says that he feels like it’s his fault she’s going home. There’s one good call you made today. I love that he’s so free being honest when there aren’t any judges around. Jerk.
Camille cries a bit, but has a great attitude and doesn’t blame Hung for swapping her into dessert or BaldHawk for forcing pineapple on her. She’s a real class act, which is most likely why the Producers got rid of her. Ilan didn’t make it to the finals with his Spanish line cookery. I’m just saying.
Next week, Hung freaks out and runs around like an idiot, earning the death look from Daddy Tom. Count me in!
Get your spoon of my man, skank!