Recap: Top Chef: Watch What Doesn’t Happen

On tonight’s very special episode of Top Chef, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Not really sure what Bravo’s doing tonight, other than making me not wanna watch their internet interview show called “Watch What Happens”, but I’ll make fun of the ep anyway.

First of all, the title. We get it. It’s the network slogan. A. It’s not a very good one and B., it’s a slogan, not a title. McDonald’s doesn’t come out with a new burger and name it the “You Deserve a Break Today Mac”. Trojan doesn’t doesn’t call their rubbers “Don’t Spread the Herps Condoms” (although, come to think of it, they might sell more if they did), and we’re Spreading Democracy in Iraq, not Blowing Up Innocent People and Instigating Civil War Between Multiple Factions of Insane Religious Freaks. Anyhoo, you get my point. Watch What Happens barely holds up as a slogan, please keep it out of my face.

If I Had To Be With My Damn Kid For 24 Hours a Day I’d Fucking Shoot Myself In the Face Day Care Facility

Second, it’s a little odd to have a reunion partly starring a sliver of a cast of a season that’s not finished yet. Add to that the lingering Monkey Head Shave Rape and Fat Camp Sugar Trickery Scandals from last year (there was never a Season 2 reunion) and then pick out the most boring contestants of all the seasons to sit in one room and stare at Scar flirt with Daddy Tom, and you’ve got one giant bowl of uncomfortable. Ok, I’m slowly getting on board. Half yay! I love an awkward room.

The show is being hosted by Andy Cohen, the VP of Production at Bravo. Andy’s kinda cross eyed and twitchy, so I assumed he’d be sweet. I mean, seriously. If you’re twitching and crosseyed, you should be nice to people. Is that shallow? Anyhoo, he’s not nice. He’s never without a shit eating grin and a head bob, even when he’s calling everyone out on being complete losers. People like this are very dangerous, and I like when they are on my TV. Full on Yay!

Evil Bobblehead

Let’s meet our panel! Tiffani was in the season opener Cook Off Thing, but she decided to play nice in that episode and is not surprisingly missing from the Season One panel tonight. You should have cried and told someone what to do. So sorry.

Instead, we get Harold (yawn), Lee Anne (yay yawn) and Dave (not boring, but tired. Yawn.) From Season 2, we have Ilan (ick tuxedo gross ick ARG) and Sam (oooh shaved head hot jerk) and Mikey (yay, ew and yay.) He’s also wearing a tux. He looks like a drunk skeezy uncle who grabs bridesmaid’s asses on the dance floor of a family wedding. And I don’t mean that in a good way. Some sleazy uncles are kinda hot. Not this one. Sam must feel extra special fine tonight.

The people who have been ousted so far from Season 3 round out the Guest Panel. I am happy to report that Suicide Guy is back and alive. Glad you found the strength to pull through, little buddy! Matilda’s nutcase mom is there, and so are Birdsong, Lia, and that chick who wore a bikini and had nice brows.

My guess is there’s only plastic utensils on the Kraft table.

Bobblehead tells Mikey and Ilan they should be working as doormen. Oh, I get it. Cuz they’re in tuxedos! Bobblehead, you sir, are a barrel of monkeys. Mikey retorts that he was going for “the driver thing”. He just got his license back from the DMV. Ah, young Hollywood. Blohan has nothing on this guy. He’s livin’ in the fast lane!

We’re also joined by the Judges (and Scar), which is pretty awesome. They’re going the be taking questions from the Bravo audience, which is what the Presidential Hopefuls should be doing. That YouTube thing was for suckers. The Bravo audience will not be f ing around, I imagine. There won’t be any “Senator Clinton, what makes you awesome?” questions tonight, HOPEFULLY. Come on, Bravo audience! I’m putting my faith in you! (*note from after viewing: MISTAKE)

Before we get to the questions from the audience, we get a video greeting from Chef Jean-George, of the Jean-George in NYC! He’s not only a fan of the show, he’s also Peppermint Patty’s boss! Aw! He says that Lia’s a great cook and he hopes she does well. Bobblehead says wow, it must suck disappointing Jean-George. How do ya feel, Peppermint? Smile head bob eat shit grin. How rude.

“How do you get out of bed in the morning, you f in looza?” Smile head bob.

She takes it well and is a good sport about it, and Daddy Tom says she’s a bad ass with French Food and she just had a problem “getting out of her comfort zone,” which is a nice way of saying “I hope you like Jean-George, because he owns your ass for the rest of your life.” Not a bad ass-owner to have, PP. Not bad at all. You’re gonna be just fine!

The Judges tell us their favorite dishes, and then Bobblehead leads us through a montage of the worst dishes ever. Re-watching Betty’s face fall when she got dissed by the Biker Chick Mixologist Guest Judge from Season 2 was brilliant. I have taken a short clip of it to play as my screensaver for the rest of time.

Of course, the big finale in the shitty dish montage is Mikey’s Poopy Cheeto Teste Amuse Douche. In an interview after he was eliminated, he said that he hated Suzanne Goin, the Guest Judge for that challenge, and wanted to make her eat a cock. LOL. Tonight, he just says that his friends like it. This is boring. Ask him why he feels the need to be kinda gross all the time and try to make him tell you to eat his cock. That would be awesome.

A reader question for Ted Allen. Ooooh, make it juicy, Bravo viewers! “How do the judges not gain a hundred pounds with a job like this?” Ugh. They should be directing this question at Scar, who eats the most and wears a size 2, tops. My bet’s a rhyme with kulimia. No, she gets to answer too, and she claims she skips rope and runs on a treadmill between takes. That’s code for puff puff give, eat, barf. She says that last season she gained weight towards the middle of the season and then got a tapeworm. Good thinking, Scar!

Next up, Matilda’s Mom. Are you ever hit over the head with bottles in bars because of dissing Americans for liking ketchup? She explains that she was just describing the dish, like she would describe Indians liking chutney with their food. Scar says that they don’t actually. LOL. Shut up, Micah.

Bobblehead isn’t done with her. How come she calls herself South African and talks all Sherlock Holmes-y when she grew up in Massachusetts? She cops to being half-American, but she grew up eating South African Food. No one’s buying it, so she throws in that she’s an African American as if we have to be nice to her or else she’s gonna scream racism. Sorry, Cracker Jack, but no. Cliff looks pretty annoyed with her answer, but he bites his tongue. I stick mine out.

I didn’t mean to start a revolution! I just wanted a seat on the bus!

Montage of the Judge’s being wacky. Gail’s a bitch when she doesn’t like something, and Tom is always waiting to instigate trouble at the Judge’s Table. They also show a segment titled “Top Surgeon” featuring clips of Daddy Tom cutting his food like an anal retentive. And we’re back. Ted Allen says “You looked like a surgeon!” Yeah. That’s why that segment was called “Top Surgeon”, Queer Eye. I wish Carson Kressley cooked.

Scar comes to Daddy’s defense. She slurs that he is being polite and not making a messy plate for the other Judges to taste, but he may not be that way in his private life (as if she hasn’t been spotted all over town dining privately with him). Then she licks his face and starts unzipping his trousers. Oh, Scar!

Bobblehead asks if anyone feels dicked over by the Judges, and Birdsong pipes right up. Everything she did for her BBQ dish was on the grill! Uh, except the poached lobster. In your poached lobster dish. That’s why they axed you. But I like the anger. Keep that. She switches tactics and asks why they don’t judge the contestants as a whole, instead of on one crappy or brilliant dish at a time. Scar doesn’t have time for second chances. She hates you one time, she’ll lose your number and never eat you again. Way to put it into language Birdsong can get, Scar!

Daddy Tom goes on to claim that that’s how they are told to vote and they aren’t the bosses. Ever read the disclaimer at the end that says the Producers and the network has the final say in everything? You weren’t as crazy as you looked, Birdsong, and you paid for it.

Scar will never eat you. Deal with it.

Next, La Tisha from Dallas, TX asked Suicide Guy if he was crazy depressed, and then Queer Eye asks him if his friends ragged on him for getting booted. How could they? He’s just a little boy from Mississippi who was on TV! Oy. I will say he looks healthy, sweet, and not sweaty and shaky from booze. Reality TV totally can help people, you guys.

Hey! Harold opened a restaurant! A camera crew went in and shot some footage. When I woke up, Lee Anne was taking about being a food producer and making up challenges for the show, and no, she’s not doing Harold. Giggle giggle. Giggle giggle giggle. Seriously. Stop it. You’re totally creaming yourself over Harold right now. Tim Gunn has a question! YAAAYYYY!!!

He asks, with a sour sour face, if Steven from Season 1 was even real. HAHAAAA. Behind the back dissing and rude barbs. LOVE YOU TIM GUNN. And yes, he’s really that much of a wiffle waffle in real life. Harold says he has a lot in common with Tim (ouch) and Dave says he’s great to drink with. Good to hear from ya, Dave!

Next up, audition tapes! This is going to shock the hell out of you, but woah bore snore. How they chose anyone is beyond me. The top three are Birdsong telling the casting directors that she’s not “you’re fucking bitch in the kitchen”, Camille saying nothing, and Hung prissily telling the cameras that he goes both ways. Gay and where else, Dung? Marcel’s audition dish is pretty awesome, too. It’s called eggs and coffee. You might remember him trying this dish last season and getting disastrous results. It looks better in this video, but not not much.

Thanks for the lay, Monkey Shines. Just please don’t make me breakfast.

Next question: Who (besides Scar) was only cast for their good looks? Ilan winks at the camera and sips out of his rocks glass. I’m so sure, Rat Pack. Well, ok. He’s not in a pack. Rat. Wow, I still hate this guy now as much as I did then. Itsonlyatvshowitsonlyatvshowitsonlyatvshow. Nope. Didn’t work. HATE.

Daddy Tom admits that Candice was cast because she blew a producer, but everyone else is on the up and up. Wait a second. Are you saying Betty wasn’t there on a sexy pass? I don’t buy it. Craaaaaack! Birdsong adds that the editors are trying to pass Bunny Foo Foo off as this big sex symbol, but she’s not at all in real life. Ouch. Sounds like there was an awkward night in the hot tub we weren’t shown.

Tim Gunn’s back! YAY! He says he’s proud of what Harold is achieving, and then he makes a grossed out judgy face.

But what about Ilan?

LOL, Tim Gunn! Well, let’s see, Ilan got his ass whooped at the Food and Wine Cook Off and then got outshone at the same event by Sam, who’s hot. Like really hot. He tells the cameras at the cook off that Sam needs to flirt with girls because he’s so insecure. After the video makes him basically look like a looza, Ilan is just left sitting crumpled in the studio. He mutters “Wow.” Sam, how do you feel about what Ilan said about you? He whatevers and looks hot. Crickets. Umkay. Gail was Ilan’s sous chef for the challenge, and points out that she can sautee. Sorry, Simmons, but that’s still questionable. Ya lost.

Rat Pack

Rat wants to open a restaurant, but he’s just so busy making personal appearances all across the country that he can’t commit to anything. Still no investors, huh? Bobblehead says it seems like a lot of people thought Sam shoulda been in the finals, and Sam totally agrees. Hotly. Now for the biggest fights ever! Tiff and that loud guy from Season 1…wait. Who cares about that? Where’s “I’m not your bitch, bitch!” Aw, Dave, always ignored, even at cat fight nomination time. From Season 3, The Cave Men’s shouting is showcased, and from Season Two, it’s all about Monkey Shines and everyone else.

Did Marcel get treated unfairly by the editors? Mikey says that they did him a favor by making him look like a victim. Yeah, them and the people holding him down with clippers in their hands. People start ragging on the poor widdle monkey, and Lee Anne stops it. He’s not here to defend himself, guys! He’s on a fishing trip (I’m soooo sure)! Aw, Lee Anne. What a sweetie. Thanks for killing the only fun time in this segment. Ass.

The Head Shave Scandal is brought up again, and Cliff says he was an idiot and it’s over. Snooze. I’d rather him say “I held him down and we were gonna shave his head because he was a little prick and he deserved it.” I wouldn’t agree with his brutishness, but I would respect the ballage. PS Does Cliff look stoned out of his gourde or is it just me?

Someone’s made friends with Scar.

The same night as the Monkey Attack, the final five chefs from season 2 got tipsy in the apartment and did a mock quickfire. Elia hilariously plays Padma, and when she tells Marcel his eggs are “rubby” and then Ilan that his potatoes taste like her foot, I remember why I used to love this woman. Sam asks Cliff why his beef tasted so much like beef and Elia says, disgustedly, “I can still taste the beef in my mouth.” LOLOLLLL. Too bad such a great night ended so badly. Tom points out that Cliff would have probably won the whole thing if he hadn’t gotten violent. (sad horns)

Some chick from NJ asks what was the worst thing about living together. Dave says he knew he was on a reality show when he had to room with Psycho Ken and Steven. Imagine how they felt. How was it giving up your cell phones and all access to the outside world? The girl in a bikini says it was real hard (she spoke! Cheers!) and Matilda’s mom says her kid and the nanny were crying and screaming “NOOOOOOO!!!” when she came back home. Aw, touching.

Bobblehead says that the show is all about talent and creativity, but sometimes it gets like the Real World. No kidding. Have you seen that show lately? BOOOORRRIINNNGGG. It’s like the Real World right now.

Jackie from Work Out awkwardly reads her question off a cue card. OK, is everyone from a Bravo show gonna ask a pre written question? I want a Real Housewife from Orange County to come on and teach Mikey about grooming. And Alli. Jackie says that drinking is just taking in empty calories. Piss off, Jackie. Don’t judge me. Montage of the contestants getting wasted. When the clips are done, Cliff, Sam and Mikey are cracking up and high fiving each other. I love that these guys have had time to watch their season and don’t feel stupid AT ALL.

Daddy Tom cuts them a break and stands up for Scar’s blunt fixes at the same time. What else are they supposed to do in their down time? When you’re bored, you should be allowed to get smashed. Then Scar crawls on his lap and plays with his ears.

Now, Bobblehead has a tribute to Scar’s “white hotness”. Ew. Montage of all the slutty outfits she paraded around in on Season 2. She’s been a little more reserved this year, but no one bitches about it except for me. You’re slackin, Bobblehead! Queer Eye and Tim Gunn (how many videos did he shoot for this thing?) both agree that Scar should be as outrageous and sexy as she wants to be. That is why fag hags always look like idiots at clubs. Their GBF’s dress them like whore dolls. Girls, don’t do everything your GBF’s tell you to do. You’ll look stupid.

This advice doesn’t apply to Scar, however. I suspect her own particular brand of ho is all her doing. Tim says he hears a lot of people question how Scar can dress like that in a kitchen without getting hurt and his answer is “make a salad!” Goddammit I love you, Tim Gunn.

Nuff said.

Oooh, and what about the scar, Scar? Traffic accident. And how come it has glittler makeup and it’s own spotlight in every episode. No one asked that part. Bobblehead, you’re fired.

Scar says all she has to do is think, speak and eat on the show, and she’s dressed for that. Then she says that Gail Simmons is the real slut. Really! It’s always the girls in the Laura Ashley dresses, ain’t it? Birdsong loves how Scar dresses and says she always brightens up the kitchen. Down, Birdsong! You’ve had a hardon this entire episode! Rarr.

Some dude from Wisconsin asks Daddy Tom what it’s like being an icon of the Bear Community. LOL. He pretends he doesn’t know what that is, and Queer Eye says that from what he understands (from the fists he’s had up his cornhole), Bears are big burly guys who have taught him how to have a little respect. Tom’s proud, as long as his wife and kids like him too. You’re making this whole thing way less hot, Tom.

Bobblehead relates the Top Chef experience to the Five Stages of Grief, and we get lots of clips of contestants crying, yelling, begging, crying and yelling. God, it it over yet? YES! THANK YOU BABY JESUS!

Wow. I have to say, this is the most ridiculous time waster of an episode I have ever sat through. Wait, there’s more!! Micah claims that she never watched the show before she came on and Mikey gives her this look:

For once, we’re in agreement, Mikey. Pull my finger.

Dear Bravo, please never make me sit through something this lame, insipid and pointless again. Love, Flipit. HEART