Top Chef: Respect the Earth. Eat Chemicals

This week on Top Chef, Jersey gets its color back.

Snapped.

We open with Prettyish Boy demonstrating the talent that got him on the show:

Mad skillz

Stefan is in the kitchen entertaining himself while he eats breakfast. There’s no TV, so he just watches Hosea like a monkey in a cage and laughs at him for not being able to even gracefully carve a tab of butter properly. Hosea tries to smile in that good natured “I hate your guts but know I’d just end up bloody and humiliated if I ever tried to slap you” kind of a way and tells us that Stefan’s a dick and he’s gunning for him. You might wanna try an actual gun, because there’s no way in hell you’re beating him on merit. If Hosea gets further than Stefan this season, I will give every reader of this site a Tootsie Pop at my own expense.

You can buy this shirt at Bravo’s website. It comes with a bedpan and a tube of Super PoliGrip.

The Chefs arrive at the No Longer Kenmore Kitchen to find Lea Salonga from Miss Saigon waiting for them. HUH? Wait. She takes off her wig and it’s Hung, he of the lowering other people’s burners and purposely sabotaging dishes all the way to a win! WOWEEE. It’s really great to see him again. Kind of how it was really great to see that plane crash land into the ocean this week. No wait. That was a tragedy. Like the finale of Season 3.

No one died, but it was still very painful.

Dung’s no Martha Stewart, and he doesn’t get the most flattering reception from the chefs. Well, except for Beaker, whose spirit guides just told her a knock knock joke.

Ronda and Juanita are hilarious.

Fabio says something about Dung loving fish, but that’s all I can understand. He is the first person I’ve ever noticed getting a thicker accent the longer he lives in America. There is a big table covered in a sheet and Scar tells everyone that they should have no trouble making a delicious dish using fresh, seasonal ingredients. Then she pulls off the sheet to reveal a ton of canned foods. Everyone freaks out, because supposedly no proud chef would ever get so white trash with their ingredients. I personally take offense, because the best dish I’ve ever tasted has been my Meemaw’s Frito Pie. It’s filled with chemical hormones, synthetic everything, and most importantly, down home laziness. Laziness is bad for you, but it’s delicious. Anyway, I am basically defensive because I feel the chefs are dissing my Meemaw with their stuck up attitudes. Where’s Honey Bear Richard when you need him? He’d grab some ding dongs, peanut butter and picante sauce and be done in two and a half minutes.

If every challenge was like this, my Meemaw could go on the show and win a hundred thousand dollars and stop tipping the waitress at the Cracker Barrel a dollar.

They only have fifteen minutes for this one, and when Scar shouts “go!” they all run like madmen to the table. Like crazy people madmen not award winning A&E series Mad Men. Those Mad Men don’t run. They just smoke.

Prettyish springs into action like a superhero.

brbeoihsdbknerb;ljcbnergu

People get downright nasty when it comes to choosing their ingredients from Meemaw’s pantry. Fabio’s like “da peeepole! Day are crazy! Ay corumba!” Hosea tries to grab a can of artichokes right out of his hands. Is nothing sacred you savage? When he doesn’t win the can of artichokes, Hosea settles on split pea soup with Spam and says “that’s the best I can come up with right now.” Mmmm. Sounds delicious.

Stefan smells a freshly opened can and is disgusted, and Rad says she doesn’t use this crap in real life because “to me, it’s something housewives with very little time would use.” Housewives. Ew. You know who I think really wants a husband so bad she can practically feel the hairy back in the morning? Rad. Her dish is going to be lonely and sad today. Trust me. She is using Spam too. What’s with the Spam? It’s like everyone’s trying to make some statement on the lower middle class. Poor people eat things that taste good too, ok?

Ignorant.

Jamie’s all uh, like in San Fran we have farms and shit and I don’t do canned. She doesn’t waste too much time on that, because she’s entertained by Prettyish, who’s next to her making three different things and shaking pina coladas like he’s finally found someone who likes getting caught in the rain. Ten bucks he finds an umbrella to put in that shit. Cheese. Jamie’s uninspired, and decides to make chickpea and artichoke bruschetta. She acts like she doesn’t care, but you know the second Hung disses her she’s gonna pull her head inside her body and not come out until it gets really quiet and no one’s looking.

Stefan tells us that he’s a smart guy as we see him not being able to figure out how to get a can of meat open. He hacks into with a knife, like a cave man. When I say it like that, it sounds sexy. It’s not.

It’s all fun and games until someone gets a tiny piece of metal stuck in their colon.

He plans out a Velveeta grilled cheese sandwich and baked bean and spam soup, and then he beams and brags that he’s talented enough to make shit up. Uh, you didn’t invent the grilled cheese, ass. He wasn’t gonna use spam until he saw it at Hosea’s work station, and Hosea hesitates to share with Stefan because “his boyfriend Fabio” was such a little bitch about the artichokes. HA. He does share though, cuz he’s a giant pussy and figures Stefan makes fun of him enough as it is.

Time for judging. Possible Stalker Leah made dark brown waffles with strawberries and sausage. All Dung has to say is “crunchy”. She fried the waffles. Even Hosea has trouble being supportive of that decision.

.

What a dumbass. I’m gonna have to find someone else to pretend I’m going to leave my girlfriend for.

Fabio made mac and cheese with artichoke and chile pepper. Dung asks what the spice is, after just being told it’s chile pepper. I remember Dung being an asshole, but I don’t remember him being stupid. Is he nervous?! HOW CUTE! He’s blushing and giggling at Fabio. “I like the heat!” giggle giggle. Man, that Italian Stallion charm even works on Lea Salonga, and she was a pro ho.

I’d give my life for you.

Rad made a spicy red bean dip with burnt toast. I know it’s supposed to be hard to make something great with these ingredients, but no one’s even trying. Burnt toast? Come on now. Hosea’s soup looks like the time I got food poisoning from an Awesome Blossom.

If there was a wadded up ball of pink gum in the middle, this would be a 100 percent replica.

Prettyish’s fried conch with coconut sauce and pina colada sounds disgusting, but at least he put some effort into presentation. He’s probably the only chef whose ever used the multi-tray candy dishes in the No Longer Kenmore Kitchen.

Balls and chick drinks. This is so gonna win.

Dung can taste fish sauce, but he doesn’t seem to think that’s a bad thing. You can’t tell, cuz Prettyish is prettyish so Dung just giggles and hides behind a fan.

Teeheeheeheeeeee

Unfortunately, Jaime’s not prettyish. Or a man. When Dung gets to her station, his smile is instagone. She tries to smile while she presents her artichoke, chick pea and smoked mussel bruschetta, but he’s not having it.

This tastes like lesbian.

Scariane made an open faced turkey spam sandwich with gravy and cranberry and pineapples. Yikes. She’s the only one who didn’t try to disguise her spam. Hung says “interesting”, but since his communication skills suck no one can tell if he’s referring to the spam or the sheer orangeness that is Scari’s face.

Mystery Meat

Beaker made a salmon cake with fried green beans and lemongrass ginger mayo. It looks the least like it came out of a can so far, but the goofy clown violins are playing so I can’t tell if that even matters or not. Scar and Dung agree that the mayo’s good. Beaker’s eyes pop out like it’s the nicest compliment they could have given her. Oh, Beaker. Dung calls out Possible Stalker Leah, Rad, and Ninja Turtle out as his bottom three. What a shocker! All women! Leah doesn’t like other hos on his turf.

He chooses Hosea, Stefan and Prettyish as his tops, but the only one adventurous enough to take advantage of this little power bottom is Stefan so he wins. They’re also both kinda assholes, so it’s cute. Hosea mutters “dammit”. He thinks that Stefan won because he shared his spam with him. Good lord, man. You made one of the fugliest dishes of the season. You didn’t lose because you’re a good person, you lost because you suck. His competitiveness with someone completely out of his league is becoming kind of charming, but that might only be because I relate. I’ve been competing with Julia Roberts ever since she beat me out of the Pretty Woman role. I would have been a star by now. Every time the bus is late or they’re out of my underwear size at Big Lots, I scream up to the Heavens “DAMN YOU JULIA ROBERTS!”

A giant plastic helicopter comes down from the flies to pick up Dung, who tucks his weenie between his legs, blows kisses, and belts out “It’s Her Or Me” as the helicopter takes him back off of our TVs, hopefully for good. Scar breathes a sigh of relief and runs to her purse to make sure she’s not missing any lip gloss or razor blades, and then returns to announce that today’s Elimiation Challenge is to make a seasonal dish centered around pork, lamb or chicken for sixteen.

They pick knives to determine three teams. Scariane gets stuck on a team with Possible Stalker Leah and Hosea. She’s not thrilled about this for obvious reasons. Leah’s obsessive and scary and Hosea always smells like cheese that was left out overnight.

Hosea: So what do you guys wanna cook?

Leah: Did he say anything about me? I saw him talking to Jamie. Did he get her number? I’ll kill his ass I swear to God.

Hosea: I was thinking something with lamb.

Leah: Alright Scari I want you to follow him and report back to me. If you hold back anything I’ll put a brick through your windshield and hide your spray tanner.

Hosea: Honey is something wrong?

Leah: Wrong? No! I love you!

Hosea: I love you too!

(sounds of making out)

I think she has the least to worry about. Beaker is stuck between Stefan and the Ninja Turtle. Have you ever heard a lesbian couple fight? Not fun.

Bloating, irritability, and herpes all in one commercial break? This woman has problems.

Finally, Gervais is dating within his league.

Scari’s team is immediately extremely excited about their lamb dish.

Hosea says that he and Leah are more comfortable with each other’s cooking styles, but since Scari won a challenge cooking lamb, they’re just gonna let her take care of the meat. They will just lie on the couch and talk about dream homes and adopted Asian babies and hope it all turns out ok. And if it doesn’t, well it’s two against one.

Over at team chicken, things are going just as you’d think they would go. Ninja Turtle and Stefan are arguing back and forth while Beaker sits quietly, her eyes abug, telling us that she “can’t create in this energy.” Well, you had problems in the utter silence of the oil aisle last week too. Just tell Ronda and Juanita the spirit guides to man up and take the reigns. Stefan tells us that the Turtle’s “just so frickin cute I can’t stand it” when she gets mad, which is probably why he’s arguing nonsense. “Have you ever seen me cook shit? I’d make mash potatoes! I’d make matza ball soup!” Huh? It works though. She keeps throwing her hands up in the air and he keeps positioning a pillow over his little boner. That chicken is going to be marinated in angry lesbian love.

You’re not helping, turtle.

Fabio seems to hold the reigns of his team, unless Prettyish and Rad came up with the idea of doing pork sausage inside…wait for it…ravioli. OY. Come on, Fabio. You just gave Jamie shit last week about doing scallops two weeks in a row. How is trying to push pasta on everyone every week any different? Lame. He seems to be as inspired by his own idea as I am.

Later, the Turtle tries to pull a fast one. She waits for Stefan to leave and then confers with Beaker on her own. We don’t see this meeting, but I have a feeling Beaker didn’t do anything but sit there and smile and make giant eyes while Jamie dictated the new menu to her. Turtle goes downstairs and tells Fabio that they changed the menu a little bit and she would appreciate it if he would hand it to his bf after rubbing lotion all over his head before bed, so as not to cause too much drama. Oh, turtle! I would have figured she’d have bigger balls than that.

Of course, Stefan comes into the picture pretty soon after and refuses to change anything. She reminds him that he has immunity and it’s not fair to force his ideas on them and he counters with “I don’t care, I’m not a douchebag.” I would transcribe the whole fight but it doesn’t make much sense. It’s basically Jamie getting her boxers in a wad while Stefan smokes and drinks and says no a lot until Turtle yells “screw you” and goes inside, where Fabio is practicing being charming with his own reflection.

You are beeeoooteeful. Do you come to dees bar many oftane?

The next morning, Hosea isn’t feeling too confident about their dish. This is what Hosea looks like when he’s having deep thoughts. It’s kinda the Days of Our Lives eyebrow arch crossed with Uncle Fester sitting on a chair that Wednesday put tacks on with a little Grand Torino thrown in for good measure.

Get off my lawn!

He goes to talk to Leah and Scari about it, and of course he and Leah back each other and leave Scari in the dark. And that’s where she should be left until she has time to work on that hair.

Woah cut the lights.

The teams get into separate cars to go shopping. Beaker is stuck in between Turtle and Stefan trying to listen for Juanita and Ronda’s advice. Even those bitches are keeping their mouths shut today. Fabio’s conversation skills left a little bit to be desired, and Rad and Pretty don’t really help, so they just stay quiet while Fab worries that they are out of the city and all he can see are trees and booshes. No one seems to notice that they’re out of the city in Hosea and Leah’s car, because watching Scari’s wondrous reaction to the pull down sun shades is just too entertaining to pay attention to anything else.

The future is now, Scari. The future is now.

The cars all pull up to a giant farm, and the Turtle recognizes it s Dan Barber’s Blue Hill at Stone Barns. Chef Dan is waiting for them with three of his farmers, who are gonna take the chefs “shopping” around the farm for all of their ingredients before cooking for all the employees from the restaurant. I’m from Texas, and if we had farmers like this I never would have left.

This farmer is good at head. Suddenly I’m interested in organics.

Does this mean the chefs are going to have to slaughter their proteins? Cuz I would pay good money to see Scari straddling a lamb with a pair of scissors and a baby blue headband. PLEASE! Chef Head guides team pig through the farm, where Prettyish becomes obsessed with fried green tomatoes. OMG Chef Head likes Fried Green Tomatoes too! They start talking about how Jessica Tandy was hot for an eighty five year old and then make out.

Team Pig checks out the HUGE pigs and Fabio gives us his circle of life philosophy. He is no vegetarian, but he respect life process. You is born, you is raise-ed, and you is rolled up and poot eento pasta. Thanks for that, Deepak.

When introduced to their dinner, Turtle asks if the chickens will hurt her. LOL, Team Chicken. That worked out well. Beaker finds her great Aunt Leslie alive and well in the body of a hen, and spends the whole time asking rehashing old stories from childhood. Aunt Leslie’s like “cluck cluck crazy bitch cluck.”

Do you remember that time I fell off the swing set and you closed my wounds with a Fitzgerald poem and a kiss?

I just got the T-Mobile bill, you little slut.

Online I’m hawt.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many thin happy people in an Olive Garden in my life. Just an observation.

In between commercials, a little snippet comes on starring Stefan talking about how the chickens hate Ninja Turtle and how he’s the only cock in the coop. He says cock like ten times and laughs at himself. Anyone wanna join him? Anyone? Anyone? Moving on with the far more entertaining commercials.

Seeking a cheezy forty year old with hair plugs and a severe slouching problem? Try Chemistry.com!

Unfortunately, Scary never got to straddle a sheep. Booooo! When the chefs arrive in the kitchen, their protein is waiting for them. Rad is all upset that there were no figs on the farm. How is she gonna make her bread pudding? DUDE YOU MADE THAT SHIT LAST WEEK! What is with this cast? On a different note, I love the name TEAM PORK. Their menu is flashed on the screen, which I also love.

Turtle is also making a corn salad. She wanted to do chicken cutlet and Stefan wanted to do roasted chicken, so in the end they compromised. AW! That’s what it’s all about you two! Keep this up and you’ll be ready for a turkey baster in no time. Beaker is off in a corner relegated to a fruit tart. This means that if they lose, she’s fucked. But for now, she’s happy working with just herself and the auras of the trees that bore the nectarines.

Scari is working on hacking up her lamb for a duo. They’re doing a leg and a baby lamb, which wouldn’t have been so sad if we hadn’t just seen the poor little baby.

Sorry, little fella, but you’re too cute to live. Literally.

Scari hasn’t ever had the pleasure of cooking baby before, but she’s going to do her best. As we know, Scari has trouble with things she’s done a million times before in her own restaurant so this should be interesting. Hosea takes the potatoes and tells Leah that she can throw together dessert and a tomato salad. Way to compete with the best of em, tiger. Potatoes. Make a little ketchup and they might just cut the season early and put a medal around your neck right now.

Fabio gets busy “washing da stuff with a da hand” and bitching about how long Rad is taking shucking and grilling ten cob of da corn.

Ok why don’t you get back to making the same thing you made last week?

Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress and starts with Lamb. Hosea is sure to add that he and Leah did a lot to help with the lamb (LIES) but that they’re also working with veggies. Beaker just tells him that she’s working with strong personalities, and Tom tries to get her to take credit for being team leader. She refuses it and says that Stefan would be. Then her eyes bug out and say that it’s because he’s the biggest loudest asshole. Tom tells her eyes to watch their language. Clown/detective music plays as Daddy moves over to Prettyish, who is slicing his green tomatoes and giving “my boy Fabio” credit for his “untouchable” ravioli, but doesn’t mention Rad. Is Rad depressed today? She’s done nothing but stare off into space with wide scared eyes the entire episode, like she fell asleep to a Lifetime movie and can’t shake it.

No Tori Spelling, no one is after you. Back to the corn.

Tom tells us that he isn’t too keen on the smaller pieces of lamb, because he thinks that if you can keep it on the bone you should. He’s also not sure about Chicken’s idea of making soup because it’s a hot day and it doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense; and he thinks that Pig’s decision to make creme brulee is pretty lame. Agreed.

There’s an hour left of cooking time and Scariane is running behind. Let me wait a second while you all gasp in shock. Hosea is annoyed by this. Dude, have your potatoes taken three hours? Give the girl a hand. Leah helps her tie the roasts, but says she could have done it better but wanted to just have it over with. Or she wanted to blame Scari for it when the judges asked why Stalker only made a salad. Leah also seems like she’s in a shit mood today. She’s talking really really slowly and has dead eyes. What has been done to these poor chefs? My guess is Toby Young sucked out the fun.

The judges start arriving with all of the “farmers”. I put that word in quotes not because I don’t believe they grow stuff, but because these are just not like the farmers I know. These are carbon footprint aware tree huggin hippies who shop at J. Crew and don’t chew gum because of the aspartame. You can just see it all over em.

Real Farmers….

Squeal like a pig, boy!

Farmers on Bravo…

I hope no one minds if I take home the extra vegetable oil to fill up the BMW. It’s unbelievable that there aren’t any biodiesel stations in the city yet.

The oh shit we’re not finished music starts pumping, but everything is finished in time. Oh editors! You sneaky little tricksters! Before we continue, can we talk about Turtle’s shirt? It seems to be an ammo belt filled with lipstick. So is she saying that you should use lipstick as a weapon? Is she saying that lipstick lesbians should be shot? Or is she suggesting that Malcom X was into cross dressing? Or maybe she got the shirt as a gift from a friend who was suggesting that she wear lipstick? Or that she should stop threatening to shoot lipstick lesbians and suggesting that Malcom X was a cross dresser? This shirt is confusing. The end.

The chefs come out to present their meals all at once, which are served family style. Hey look! It’s a quotation free farmer!

That bitch parks her BMW on my grass one more time I’s gonna piss in her gas tank.

Hosea takes the speaking role for his team, which cracks me up because the man made POTATOES.

Prettyish speaks for his team, which is a huge mistake. Don’t put Fabio in a corner! His ravioli won’t taste any good without his Mario Brothers charm. Prettyish opens by introducing his team as “the three little pigs”. Who let him talk?

Turtle announces Team Chicken. Hardly anyone in this crowd is wearing lipstick, so there shouldn’t be any controversy. Well, except for Scar and this chick, who seems to have been let out in front of strangers for the first time ever.

Hey Mr DJ, play my song!

Scar is the first to complain about not getting why anyone would serve hot soup in this heat, but one of the farmers loves it. Farmer Dan really likes the fried chicken cutlet, and Toby says that “it’s crispy and well seasoned.” I keep waiting to add a joke from ten years ago, but he doesn’t. Farmer Dan calls the lamb a mess, and Daddy Tom says they ruined a perfectly good leg and over butchered it and drowned it in pesto. Toby says it’s not mutton dressed as lamb, but lamb dressed in mutton. That’s kind of awesome, because that saying means that someone is dressing way too young for their age.

Nice glasses.

Scar loved the potatoes. (head slap). Daddy Tom says the challenge was to honor the protein and this dish didn’t. I think the lamb was dishonored the most when it was slaughtered. I’m sure this embarrassment will just slide off its back. Scar opines that the Pig team is so so and says the pesto is the only thing she can taste. Toby, unable to form a thought of his own, climbs on top of her criticism and adds “the pesto is the big bad wolf which has blown this pig’s house down.” WHAT? OK it’s official. I fucking hate Toby Young. No wonder his ass has been fired from every job he’s had. He’s a hack. Man I wish Gail was here dressed in a tablecloth rolling her eyes and having seconds of everything. Daddy Tom repeats his thing about meat that’s on the bone should stay on the bone to keep all the fat in. Scar calls the fried green tomato the star of that team. Then everyone talks about how Jessica Tandy was really hot for an eighty five year old and makes out. After lunch is done, desserts are served.

Daddy loved Beaker’s crust and when he mentions that she did it again, he doesn’t say it with animosity. Farmer Dan says it’s intelligently done. Scar says the brulee is too sweet and Toby adds…you know what? I don’t care what Toby adds. I’m about to just start pretending his ass isn’t even there, the same way we collectively pretended that he never had a movie released last year. Farmer Dan says Leah’s berry tart is just plain unappealing to look at. Scar says they know who’s on top and who’s on bottom, but no one should look down on Prettyish just because they can all imagine him biting on a pillow with his ankles touching his ears.

Still don’t want a Diet Dr. Pepper?

Dude, Betty’s breath just set that shit on fire.

Team Chicken is called in to Judges’ Table first. Farmer Dan looks really nervous. It’s either because he’s sitting next to Scar or he doesn’t know what the hell’s going on with Beaker’s eyes. Daddy Tom says that he knows there were some arguments between the lesbians in the kitchen and asks who won. Beaker answers that they just eventually hugged it out and got on with it. Farmer Dan announces the winner…and it’s everyone! Woweee! Their prizes are three nothings. Damn. You could have at least spray painted a cow paddy or some shit, you cheap bastard. He would have given him them all his book, but he didn’t want to have to write “kill it, gut it, clean it and grill it” three times.

Both of the other teams are called in as the bottoms. Prettyish grabs some lotion off the shelf. Toby asks whose boneheaded idea it was to remove the fat off the pig, and Prettyish takes what he probably thinks is the credit. Farmer Dan says that he wouldn’t have done that because the fat’s the best part. Prettyish, being from the Dildo Beach Club where fat isn’t allowed on the premises, doesn’t understand what he means.

Welcome to the rest of America, you South Beach wacko.

The judges tell Fabio his pesto was way too heavy handed, and he doesn’t get defensive at all. I’m impressed! But bored. I wish he was an arrogant asshole again. I take back my prior criticism. When Radhika is called upon, she almost jumps out of her skin.

AH! For a second I thought I went to sleep with the window unlocked. Meredith Baxter Birney did that and you all know what happened to her. Don’t you? DON’T YOU!?!?!

She says that she did the corn salad and helped with the dessert. Tom asks her if she’d be ok with a cook who only made a salad and a half a dessert in her own kitchen. She doesn’t have much of an excuse, so she just says that she worked and didn’t just stand still all day long and that if they wanted any more out of her they’d have to have a rule regarding women in danger movies after bed time.

Lamb is next. Daddy Tom asks who was in charge of the meat and Scari takes credit. Farmer Dan asks why it was tenderized when baby lamb by definition is tender. She doesn’t have an answer, so he asks who was in charge of getting the lamb off the bone and prepping it. She doesn’t hesitate and just takes the blame like an adult. Impressive. Leah and Hosea let her, so Scar asks why they would let one person take all the responsibility for the main part of the challenge. Good one, lady. Hosea looks at Leah like “you keyed your initials into my car, you owe me.” Leah pauses and tries to come up with something good, but she can’t so she just says welllll she didn’t completely do it on her own but since we didn’t make that much there weren’t many responsibilities. Worst. Answer. Ever.

Well?

Wait. It gets better. Tom won’t let it go, and says the butchering was just wrong and messy and that it wasn’t even tied well. Silence. Anything to say, Leah? No? Nothing? She asks Scari if she thought the rolls were even. Damn, what a bitch! Scari takes the high road and doesn’t call Leah out on being an incredibly lazy liar liar pants on fire, instead saying that she was honest about not really knowing how to tie and tenderize the lamb. Leah jumps in with “I just wanna say that I’ve definitely, like, rolled lots of things.”

Well, please don’t smoke them before Judges’ table. Scar was cut off, so are you.

They don’t let Hosea off the hook. Farmer Dan asks him “where were you with the rolling and tying?” and Hosea just says he made the potatoes and leaves it at that. Man, Hosea and Leah are perfect for each other. They’re both wussies. Tom keeps on and asks Hosea if he knows how to butcher a lamb and Hosea’s all hell yeah I’m awesome and Tom’s all then maybe you should have, like, done it. Dumbass.

They send the chefs back to the holding tank and Farmer Dan says that he sees how perfectly the natural process of life evolves on the farm, and it’s amazing how badly humans can f things up. Oh, go make out with a tomato you fruit loop. Toby calls the pork “bloodless and anemic” and says that when he’s “faced with a beautiful, well reared piece of meat, I don’t wanna stand back and admire it, I want to have full blown unprotective sex with it. I didn’t even want to get to first base with the pork.” I only typed that quote in its entirety because I wanted you to feel the full impact of the following screengrab.

Now picture him naked with jumper cables attached to his nipples. You’re welcome.

Farmer Dan pulls out a little paper bag and throws up into it before continuing on. He says the pork was bad, but the lamb was worse. Daddy Tom takes the bag and throws up on top of Dan’s throwup and says…wait. He throws up again. A PA takes it away and brings them a fresh one. Scar can’t even wait her turn. She grabs it out of the poor kid’s hand and throws up. They all take a deep breath. Toby almost speaks again but is told to just not speak until everyone can clear the image he just gave them from their minds. Tom takes a sip of water and a deep breath and says that the lamb was butchered badly and the dish was just plain butchered period. He wants to get rid of Rad because she didn’t do anything and Scar agrees and is offended that Rad didn’t even seem to be bothered by anything today. Meanwhile, Rad tries not to doze off in the kitchen so Freddy can get her.

Tom says that yes, Hosea could have helped more with the lamb, but if Scariane doesn’t know how to cut a leg of lamb she shouldn’t be here. He hates her ass, and today might be his day. Back in the kitchen, this is happening.

Wow. One thing I’ll say about this season is that I haven’t really been disgusted with any of the contestants like I usually am by midseason of most reality shows. Until tonight. Hosea and Leah need to just run off and make misshapen drowzy faced bucktoothed babies. HATE.

Scar sticks up for Scari, saying that she feels bad for her because at least she tried to butcher the lamb when she didn’t know how, and Toby says that he feels sorry for her because she can’t cook. I feel sorry for Toby because he’s a hack who can’t keep a job and he looks like that adult baby from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Right?

Scar sticks up for Scari again and says that she can so cook, and has done some pretty good stuff this season. Toby reminds her that they aren’t allowed to judge anything but the dish put before them in each individual challenge, and hers sucked. Back in the kitchen, Scari is freaking out, saying “I’m a team player, I work hard…” and Turtle says “that’s true. Out of anyone here, you are a team player.” In print it sounds nice, but her tone is like “…unfortunately you can’t cook for shit, but you’re very nice.”

What? What’d I say?

Scar turns the light of truth to shine on Leah, who didn’t seem to do much of anything in the challenge. Farmer Dan puts it best when he says her not taking any responsibility and letting all the blame fall on Scari “was the most appalling thing” about all this, especially when the biggest problem with the lamb was with the tying. I like Farmer Dan. He sees through the crap.

I hope Rad doesn’t see this preview. Poor girl will go catatonic.

And then my favorite commercial comes on. This lady says “to manage my weight, I go to Wal-Mart!”

Well that explains the giant roll of fat hanging off your jeans, Heif.





Thought you might find this result interesting.

Daddy Tom says something hippieish about chefs honoring the Earth before dressing down Rad for looking dead and doing just as much as a dead person would have, Fabio for using too much pesto, and Prettyish for f ing up the pork. HOWEVER, Prettyish took the fat that he dishonored and used it in the Jessica Tandy tribute, which honored both pigs and old people, so their team is safe. Uh, ok then. You ruined the dish, and you did it with honor. WTF?

Ok, Prettyish, you can drop the “I’ll blow ya later” face.

Tom calls Leah out for not doing anything, Scari for not knowing how to butcher, and Hosea for not helping out his team mate when he knew how to butcher. SCARI’S OUT!!! Holy shit I honestly didn’t see that one coming! Leah totally lucked out on that shit. ARGH!!! You know Hosea and Leah really screwed up if I’m rooting for Scariane. She tells us that it’s not fair and that Leah’s not a team player and Hosea’s a wimp. HAHA. She’s so right. And this explains her absolutely crazy testimonial hair this entire episode.

Woman Scorned hair.

Next week is Restaurant Wars!!! YAYAYAYYYY! It’s also the week that we finally get to see Leah and Hosea dry hump, which makes me wanna reach for Farmer Dan’s barf bag. What did you guys think about this one? Anyone have a sex dream with the cigar chomping baby in it? LOVE