Top Chef Recap: Exciting Like A Meatball

In the beginning, Oprah made the heavens and the Earth, and then she got cast in a movie where she told Whoopi Goldberg “You tole Harpo t’BEAT me!” and it was good (but not good enough to win an Oscar). Then she went on TV and wheeled around her fat cells (sometimes in a wagon, sometimes in her butt and thighs) and had big hair and gave people cars and stuff, and it was very good. But Oprah was lonely, so she said “Let there be a royal not-gay BFF to accompany me” and there was Gayle King, and she was good, but there were a lot of rumors about the two of them that lasted for years. Then Oprah became bored having only one TV show so she said “Let me have my OWN network (on Channel 100)” and it was not so good because nobody watched it. Oprah began to despair and said “Let me have my very own chef, owning all this stuff and telling everyone on the planet who to vote for, what to read, where to shop, when to breathe, why to continue living and how to think is making me hungry” and there was Chef Boyardee, and he asked Oprah what she wanted him to make for her Power-Dinner™ with girlfriend (but not in that way) Gayle. Oprah thought very long and hard about all the things she liked to eat, and said “Let there be divine meatballs…”

and let them be paired with O’s of spaghetti

And Chef Boyardee smothered the meatballs in a red tomato-based sauce that was almost 50% sugar, and with a sigh of satisfaction Oprah ate them and unbuttoned her too-tight jeans while she and secret lover Gayle reclined on her custom-made thronecouch, watched “Beloved” and talked about buying Europe and renaming it Europrah. The end.

See, I bet you guys didn’t know that meatballs could be so amazing and magical, right? Well, on tonight’s episode of Top Chef Texas, we find out that it’s allll about how you spin stuff that keeps you from having to look at Scar glaring at you during Judges’ Table…

would you stop with the Padma-Fucks-Old-Dudes jokes already?

Never. So last week, we learned…

that even GroanyBooger gets tired of making shitty risotto

that Bore took a taste of it for herself, and heartily agrees

and we learned how Scar keeps herself in the bony old lap of luxury

We open on the Stew Room (as usual) and the remaining six chefs have just seen the last of Bore-verly (or so they think). Jobless Grayson’s standing up for Bore, saying how her plates were always perfectly balanced. She tells us she’s going to miss having Bore around, but she guesses some of the other chefs “probably won’t miss her so much…”

or at all

Suddenly Ninja Eddie jumps up out of his chair and says “I’m Beverly… here’s your halibut!“, and then he does this…

blowjobface!

I kinda got lost on this, I didn’t really understand if he was trying to say that Bore-verly was so nervous because of Mousy yelling at her during Restaurant Wars that she dropped Mousy’s halibut dish, or if he was intimating that she was flat-out trying to fuck it up. Mousy herself says Ninja is making fun of her for losing her temper with Bore, and claims she’s “one of the most diplomatic people BUT don’t screw with my food when you’re representing me while I’m representing you.”…

even if I’m “representing” you by standing over you in the kitchen and screaming

Wow, so I guess this season of Top Chef should be designated the I-Will-Carry-A-Grudge-Till-You-Die-Season, because none of these bitches can ever let anything go. Hag Heather couldn’t forgive Bore-verly’s offensive shrimp-cleaning, Divot Diva Nyesha is still pissed at Ty-Böre for some random rude comment he made almost at the beginning of the season, Mousy is still accusing Bore of deliberately trying to ruin her dish from two episodes ago, and I will never forgive Penis-Hair for his terrible styling or Ty-Böre for his nudity, his hyphen and his fucking umlaut. How sad we all are. You know what we need to brighten up this moment?…

another dose of FuggoChar

Yes, Ms. Evil Queen Theron just stopped by to geek out a little and thank them all for making her such a spectacular meal before she wishes them well and heads on out the door towards her next Oscar nomination. After she leaves, Jobless says she was a fan before, but she’s an even bigger fan now, and BAM, just like that everybody is besties again and ready to get hammered together…

this is the power of Charlize

The following day it’s right back to the Top Chef Kitchen where there is yet even more cross-promotion to be done, this time in the form of a Guest Judge who is about to co-host a show with Curtis Stone Fox of Top Chef Masters…

meow meow meow purrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

GroanyBooger is super-excited to see Cat Cora, and just can’t stop gushing about her Greek-Southern food background and how she’s one of the fiercest chefs evah (and of course, nobody mentions the words “Iron Chef America”). She is standing there with both La Gassy and Scar…

who looks hideous in her Larry-The-Cable-Guy-Tablecloth-Fugfrock™

Who in the hell made that thing… Hobosexual? FAIL. Anyhow, Scar divides the chefs into three pairs, putting GroanyBooger with Mousy, and Jobless Grayson with Penis-Hair… which inadvertently puts Ninja Eddie and TexAsian…

into their own little invisible internment camp?

It’s not nice to segregate the Asians, TC! This isn’t an 80′s prom scene where the token black couple are required to dance together…

and they’re forced to do it with no rhythm so they blend in better

Scar asks them how they feel about their teams, and both Penis-Hair and Jobless say they’re cool. TexAsian, on the other hand, says he feels like he’s about to puke because whenever he and Ninja Eddie get put on a team together it never goes well… he thinks he’s bad luck for ole CroggleMouth and brings up their not winning the Chili cook-off, and the fact that during the terrible steak dinner challenge Ninja wound up on the bottom. He says he hasn’t quite found his groove with Ninja yet. And speaking of grooves, GroanyBooger looks like she’s about to pound a new one into Mousy’s back cuz she’s just so thrilled to be on a team with her culinary sister and BFF…

ugh, cling-o-rama

So Scar claims Top Chef has always valued speed and technical precision (which would explain why they never give anybody enough time to actually cook anything properly) so they want them to prepare a dish using shrimp, corn and fettucini. The catch is, they only have 40 minutes (toldja) and they will have to clean and butterfly the 2 pounds of shrimp, shuck and dekernelize an entire crate of corn, and hand make a full pound of “perfect fettucini”. However much time remains once they’ve completed those three tasks… is all they’ll have to actually cook with. The judges will have to check their work and approve it in order for the team to even be allowed to start cooking. Oh, and BTW, no more immunity for the rest of this season BUT the winning team will split $10,000!…

*whispers* just imagine being able to afford a decent haircut

They don their aprons and time starts. GroanyBooger decides to step back and let Mousy make their fettucini… KIDDING, she wouldn’t dream of letting the chance to make ITALIAN FOOD pass her chubby little fingers by. She’s lecturing us all about how important it is for pasta dough to “rest” before you try to roll it out (nobody wants tired fettucini) and it looks like Ninja Eddie is following her lead, because he’s also frantically making his pasta dough. As for Jobless Grayson, she says she and Penis don’t really talk about it, she just starts her pastafarian prayers and he starts shucking his corncobs…

when you need a man with a fast hand, you call Penis-Hair

While her pasta balls are having their nappy-poo, Jobless starts to tackle the shrimp. The judges happen to wander by while she’s doing this and she begins to banter with them about how she heard male shrimp are the really dirty ones (“Always!” agrees Scar, which, shut up, chick-shrimps can be just as slobby as the guys). This is Mousy’s cue to sneer that Jobless talks too much and it slows her down. She may be right, because Mousy just called for a shrimp check… and they’re good!

Ninja Eddie is rolling his fettucini through the wringer already and Jobless starts to push Penis-Hair to go, go, go faster on his corn-cutting. “Stop saying that!”, he snarls, “I’m going as fast as I can!” He tells us that he believes “fast is slow, and slow is smooth” (a Moto-ism if I’ve ever heard one) and doesn’t want to have to redo anything. Sure enough, TexAsian just called for a corn-check (“Go faster, Chris!” hisses Jobless) and… DENIED. Catty-Corner says TexAsian’s got a lot of corn left on some of those cobs so he now has to go back and clean them up…

you will note the safe distance she kept from him while she says this

Now Penis-Hair is asking for the corn-check aaaaand… they pass! Which is good because now it’s Jobless who seems to be having trouble as Scar and Catty-Corner watch her trying to roll out her sleepycini…

no, look at that horrible dress, ugh

Apparently she has overworked it and now it’s crumbling and breaking. Meanwhile, GroanyBooger calmly calls for a pasta-check, and of course it’s good, so she and Mousy have now cleared 2 out of 3 ingrediences (and they are both working on their corn like mad). There is only 20 minutes left.

Jobless continues to struggle with her too-brittle pasta while Ninja Eddie calls for his pasta-check. It passes and then TexAsian asks for his second corn-check, which also passes. That’s great, but the MousyBooger Machine just called for their corn-check, they pass, and now they have a luxurious 17 minutes to cook their dish.

Swearing under his breath, Penis-Hair calls for shrimp-check and passes, so now he would be well within his rights to stand next to Jobless and yell “Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, GO, GO, GO, GOOOOOOOO!” while she cranks away. He might need to, though, because Ninja Eddie just called for shrimp-check, and passed, and there is only 10 minutes left to cook!…

just leave it as one big jumbo-sized noodle

They finally get the go-ahead to cook with just under 9 minutes to go, and Jobless is beginning to freak that they will be serving hard corn, dry pasta and raw shrimp. Penis-Hair winds up hurriedly asking her if he can just deep fry some bacon to get it cooked in time to use in their dish. Ninja Eddie is yelling out to TexAsian to make sure to get their shrimp cooked with some cilantro. Jobless is practically jumping up and down trying to get their pasta to cook faster…

while GroanyBooger nonchalantly makes sure there are no leftovers has a snack

As time runs out, MousyBooger is already congratulating themselves on what a stellar dish they have created, while JoblessPenis just giggles with exhaustion, and TexNinja realizes…

they forgot to plate their fucking shrimp

So much for TexAsian’s winning streak, and he is mad at himself because he knows he had plenty of time to get the shrimp into the bowl, they were just too busy making bling-bling-bling and shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-Bevalee-Heels touches on the dish to actually do it. Oh well, it’s JoblessPenis who present first (and Jobless mutters to Penis that she thinks their dish is salty, so Moto-Palate strikes yet again!)…

this is the most normal looking dish Penis-Hair has ever been involved in

You know what else? It looks like something you want to eat, and not something that took a trip through the middle of a sex party. Anyhow, Catty-Corner immediately wants to know how they cooked their bacon in so short of a time, and Penis-Hair admits to having deep fried it. La Gassy nods at this, acknowledging there would have been no way to properly render it in 8 minutes or less. The judges move on to MousyBooger…

and their bowl of smug

The first thing Catty-Corner says is “You can definitely taste the tarragon.” Scar agrees, La Gassy nods, and they move on. GroanyBooger and Mousy look pretty non-plussed…

we finished first, where’s our prize?

Coming around to the TexNinja station, La Gassy asks how it went, and TexAsian admits that he forgot the shrimp in the dish, which does not go over well…

you would think he insulted Scar’s terrible dress

He goes on to tell them how he had the shrimp right there ready to sauté at the last minute, and he just plain forgot about them. “That’s a bummer” understates Catty-Corner…

a $10,000.00 bummer

Watching from afar, Penis-Hair whispers “That’s a disqualification” to Jobless, who has a strange reaction…

Grayson Gets Gangsta

Scar says that means there’s no way that TexAsian or Ninja Eddie can win because they did not include one of the required ingrediences in their dish. She says that’s a shame because the flavors are really nice, but Penis-Hair is right, it’s a hard DQ…

so they don’t even bother to present the dish during the episode at all

You know who else is feeling terrible about TexNinja inadvertently booting themselves from this challenge?…

not these two

So how did they do? I mean, other than TexAsian and Ninja Eddie? Well, Catty-Corner says that MousyBooger’s idea to use corn milk in their dish was great… but she would not have used the herb tarragon because she feels it is overpowering. Still, she says it was a tasty dish and the pasta was beautiful. MousyBooger looks like someone just told them Bore was coming back.

As for JoblessPenis, La Gassy says they had about 1.5 seconds to spare in finishing their food, but they pulled it off, he really likes their use of the chili with the shrimp. Catty-Corner says she was super-worried about Jobless and her crusty-ass pasta, but it worked out, however she didn’t like the deep-fried bacon. And with that, the team that executed exceptionally is…

the Awkward White People™!

Wow, Penis-Hair finally scored a win! Sorta. And he didn’t even have to make a fettucini fence with shrimp cigars doused in liquid nitrogen! He also tells us that this is the best he’s felt in the entire competition and that “$5,000.00 may not be a lot of money to a lot of people”, but it’s certainly a lot of money to him…

so I guess Penis-Hair must think Top Chef is only watched by Warren Buffet, Richard Branson and Bill Gates?

Also, I would like to point out that it costs at least $160.00 per person to eat at Moto, so if Penis-Hair is making less money than I am then he is an even bigger idiot than that last statement about $5K not being a lot of money to a lot of people during the worst economy in decades. Also stupid? He thanks Wealthy Choice out loud. Like we don’t have enough commercials during this crap. Putz. You know who else wishes Penis-Hair would put a big fat miracle-berry in it?…

little miss bitterbooger

Yes, of course GroanyBooger disagrees with the Judges decision because DUH she didn’t win they’re being totally unfair. She insists their pasta was better, but unfortunately Catty-Corner is prejudiced against tarragon, so once again, people are taking cash money directly out of her pocket and it all just sucks monkeyfarts.

Let’s move on to the Elimination Challenge. Scar says their teammates have just become their adversaries, because they’ll be competing directly with each other. Then she says a bunch of stuff about Wealthy Choice sponsoring a food drive to end hunger, which I find ironic since their food leaves you hungry, I don’t care how many orgasms Jane Lynch has while choking that shit down. Anyhow, the chefs will have two hours to cook and have to serve 200 people at a Block Party on the following day, and each pair has to make the same dish, only they have to put their own spin on it…

just try to bring the liquid nitrogen into this one, mophead

The Block Party attendees will be picking which person in each pair is their favorite, losers are up to get booted. And now they have to decide, right this very minute, what dish and side-dish they’re going to make for this gig. Jobless turns to Penis-Hair and mutters “That is not a lot of time, Jesus Christ, two hours? What the fuck! 200 people? Assholes.” LOL, Jobless, I guess she either forgot she’s totally miked, or she’s past giving a shit at this point. In any case, she suggests making chicken-salad sammiches, and because the incredibly creative and innovative Penis-Hair can’t think of an easy dish to rip off of the Moto-menu, he reluctantly agrees.

Meanwhile, TexAsian suggests that he and Ninja Eddie do Korean BBQ, which Ninja is cool with because DUH he’s Korean he is really stoked to compete against the best guy in the competition. As for GroanyBooger, she’s absolutely heartsick over being forced to compete against her BFF…

and yet somehow Mousy manages to look completely unconcerned

Am I the only one who’s getting the vibe that Mousy thinks she’s a better chef than GroanyBooger? Well, after discussing the ever-popular hamburgers and hot-dogs (yawn) GroanyBooger naturally steers their course towards ITALIAN FOOD and they settle on making meatballs.

Now that they’ve all decided, Scar wants to hear their choices, so they rattle them off. “Those all sound great,” she says, “but I’d say a little on the heavy side.” Oh fuuuuuuck, everyone’s intestines just formed into a big ugly knot, but they really should have expected this twist, especially since Wealthy Choice is the sponsor here. Mousy is really glad that she listened to GroanyBooger about going with lighter fare like meatballs…

those are pretty low in fat, aren’t they?

Catty-Corner says low-fat food doesn’t have to be tasteless and bland like Wealthy Choice meals because she makes it for her four kids all the time… when she’s not using lobster and butter and kobe beef and caul fat and pork and caramel and heavy cream and bacon over on that little Iron Chef show she does. In any case, in order to sweeten the deal, Wealthy Choice is going to award another $15,000.00 to the winner, which is great, that’d buy you about a month of their food products.

So the chefs take off and head on over to Whole Payche– wait, what’s wrong here, something’s different, could it be?…

that San Antonio has no Whole Paycheck Market?

Or I wonder if it’s because Whole Paycheck doesn’t carry Wealthy Choice Products? Oh well, this isn’t any more interesting of a supermarket segment than usual… Mousy’s going to use lowfat lamb meat for her balls, while GroanyBooger’s going with turkey. Meanwhile, Jobless Grayson has somehow bullied one of the Latino employees into pushing her heavy cart of watermelons around the store for her…

who dees beetch theenk she ees, Mees Daissy?

And she’s not finished, either, before she gets rung up she has Meat Counter Boy running all over the store to get her more chickens…

he would have if Texas had Jan Brewer and Sheriff Joe Arpaio in charge

Penis-Hair is surveying the contents of Jobless’ basket and smugly notes that she has dark-meat chicken and mayo, which he says he would have liked to use, but he’s going to make his way healthier than hers. How’s he gonna do that? Well, we find out the next day when they start their cook time that he’s actually making fake-mayo out of a “tofu emulsion” and haughtily claims he’s “actually tricked people into thinking that it is mayo!”…

just like someone tricked him into thinking it was okay to leave the house looking like this

Sorry, but I think it would have to be some pretty magical mayofu to make me believe it was anything close to the real thing. Especially if it turns out the way everything else Penis-Hair does turns out.

Over in the Estrogen Pit™, GroanyBooger’s got a total girl-boner going for Mousy, she’s so admiring of the way Mousy is a “ball-buster” and how “she will tell you how it is!” On the surface this sounds complimentary, but if you dig a little deeper, I think what GroanyBooger is really trying to say is…

that bitch makes me look like the sweet one

Both Ninja Eddie and TexAsian are making kalbi with kimchi, but Ninja’s making his own little steam-bun breadlets while TexAsian’s going with a lettuce wrap (not hard to figure out which one is healthier there). Neither one of them have ever been to a Block Party before, which is a shame. The BF and I are lucky enough to live on a block that’s pretty close-knit, and we have one of these every year, both ends of the street are barricaded off, everybody makes a buttload of food, then we all get hammered on beer…

and take turns terrorizing the children

It’s totally fun, they rent an inflatable water-slide and have water-balloon launchers and for once I never have to organize anything plus we get all the really good gossip-dirt on various neighbors. TexAsian and Ninja are really missing out.

Next thing you know, we’re seeing Penis-Hair doing this…

attempting to hide his mayofu mess under some bread

Seeing him making his sammiches ahead of time is making Jobless Grayson very nervous, because she still has to mix her chicken filling, and her plan is to just make all of her sammiches to order. She knows this is going to take longer, and that Penis-Hair’s going to be ahead of the game as far as prep-work is concerned, but I think she was paying attention during the BBQ challenge when Ninja Eddie and Ty-Böre took the short-cut and made their meat all steamushy instead of just having people wait a little longer for food.

Also, I must say, for someone who claims to be as intelligent as Penis-Hair, this prefabbing seems like a remarkably stupid move. You don’t have to be a genius to know that any amount of time spent in the open air will suck the moisture out of bread, and since this is still summertime I’m betting he’ll be serving that shit on big flat croutons by the time they get set up…

well, it is 93,000,000 miles away, perhaps it won’t dry things out so quickly

As the chefs drag their food into the Block Party venue, we are forcibly reminded of who is really running today’s show…

or so they thought until *I* got ahold of their corporate logo

They have 45 minutes to get everything ready before the gates are opened and they’re mobbed for their free (if less than satisfying) food, and already Penis-Hair is swearing at (and stupidly swatting at) bees that are trying to land on his exposed mounds of watermelon…

also, by tearing a hole in his cap, he’s managed to make it useless for keeping his hair out of the food

Ninja Eddie seems to be having a little trouble as well, not only did he decide to make bunzies for 200 people, he’s also grilling his short-ribs and promptly incinerating some of them. Plus, if you thought meatballs sounded good on a hot day…

you won’t when they’re covered in babyshit

The best part about this event is the fact that all the diners showing up have brought bags of food to donate to the San Antonio Food Bank, which is awesome and I won’t make fun of that, because with all the resources and abundance of money that we have in this country, it enrages me to no end…

that this could even possibly be true

The diners descend, and begin to mob the six chefs’ stations. TexAsian is asked by one of them “So what’s the less healthy version of what you made?” and without missing a beat he says “It’s over there.” and points at Ninja Eddie’s station…

LOLOLLOLOLOLOL

For his part, Ninja has taken his laziness to new depths, he’s forcing his diners to make their own kalbi open-faced sammich. The problem with this brilliant idea is that people are taking two buns each (because a sammich is supposed to have a top and a bottom, just like sex) and I guess he only made a couple of extras. It gets even worse when some little kid comes up and grabs about five pieces of it at once, which forces Ninja to yell at him like a huge dick. Hmmmm, he’s making children miserable?…

now he’s acting like he’s at a real Block Party

Over at Jobless’ station, she has about 20 people backed up in line for her food, and she’s apologizing right and left. A rather large bear-esque woman suggests she should have “a helper”, and Jobless replies “Oh, I wish I had one!…”

oh, I think you already have a volunteer, sugartits

Oooh, commenter Chef Pants is gonna be jealous! In any case, Jobless feels bad about the wait time, but she says it’s crazy-hot out there and she doesn’t want her bread to get dried out. Complicating things is the massive droning buzz that’s beginning to surround Penis-Hair’s station. He’s saying that he’s “trying to get help with the 95 bees” that have descended all over his food. He’s freaking out because he says he will totally swell up if he gets bit (I know, I know, he means stung) by them, and I have to wonder…

did he already get bit/stung in the chest?

I also have to wonder if he’s so terrified of stinging insects…

why he’s leaving sweet shit laying around that will, you know, attract them?

The Judges show up with their own bags of food, and what do you know, we find a Top Chef Alumnus among the organizers of the event, it’s Mr. Ryan Scott from TC 4 Chicago (a.k.a. The Birth Of BlazeHawk)! How ironic is it that he’s here helping host a Block Party, when it was basically a Block Party that got his ass sent home on his season?…

looks like he hasn’t forgotten that little factoid, either

Well that’s what you get for refusing to make low-brow food and insisting on bling-bling-bling and shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-shi-Bevalee-Heels kind of crap. In any case, after they drop off their food, the Judges head over to TexAsian’s station where we find out that not only do we have Daddy Tom, Scar, La Gassy and Catty-Corner, but a fifth judge has been added…

it’s Gail Simmons’ boss, Da Cow!

Ooooh, TexAsian recognizes Da Cow right away, and he knows that she can make or break careers in the culinary world with a flick of her new Whitney Houston Bob™. Thankfully I don’t work in the culinary world, so I still get to make as much fun of her as I want. In any case, they’ve been served some of TexAsian’s food…

which fairly screams “Health, health, health, dahling!”

Armed with plates of TexAsian’s food, they then head over to Ninja Eddie’s station where he’s serving what he calls a “more traditional” (i.e. fat-filled) version of kalbi…

which fairly screams “Don’t take more than one piece of bread!”

The Judges find their teeny little tables and it occurs to me that in all the time I have been recapping this show…

it never stops being fun watching people eat

They begin with TexAsian’s food, and La Gassy says it’s simple, but using ground turkey was brilliant. Da Cow says the eggplant he used “has that fatty-mouth feel” which is a good thing, I guess?…

it never stops being fun watching her make these witchlike faces

Catty-Corner says TexAsian did all the right things to build flavor in the absence of fat. But as far as Ninja Eddie’s dish is concerned, she was expecting a lot more, her piece of beef was chewy, and Daddy Tom complains that the Saltine-sized square of bread is actually “too much bun-to-meat, there’s not enough there!” La Gassy says he gives Ninja credit for making his own bread and trying to make it healthier, which earns him a pair of disbelieving glares from across the table…

try again, chubbo

Scar says her bread square was a lot like a Saltine, being that it was hard and dry…

but don’t worry, you’ve got the seven-year-old demographic nailed

Next, they go cut in line at Jobless Grayson’s station…

where she makes sure they’re good and hungry by the time they finally get their food

Jobless makes sure to mention that she used very little mayo in her mix, and that it’s an olive-oil mayo, which means Teresa Giudice will now claim the recipe as one of her own. Then the judges follow the ominous buzzing sounds over to Penis-Hair’s station, where he tries to out-impress Jobless’ olive-oil by touting his mayofulsification crap…

served with a nice loogie salad

Back at the table, La Gassy says he’s a bit taken aback by someone choosing to make chicken-salad for a Block Party, but he likes that Jobless made her sammiches to order. Catty-Corner wishes her watermelon salad had a squirt of lime or some mint to freshen it up. Da Cow says by making it healthy, Jobless didn’t quite manage to hold on to the flavor. Ruh-roh.

For Penis-Hair, Daddy Tom says he likes the idea of using the tofulsification to bind the chicken together, and the curry adds flavor,’ but the bread is drying out, he wishes the sammiches had been made to order like Jobless did. Scar thinks his watermelon salad was more flavorful than Jobless, and Da Cow jokes that it just needed to have a little vodka added to it… but La Gassy says in his first bite he got a chunk of watermelon and two clunky ice cubes…

mommy, why is that man trying to steal my hairstyle?

After the Judges take a few minutes out to search the web for information on First Aid For Salmonella (just in case!), they lurch on over to GroanyBooger’s station…

does “calabrese” mean “my friend is visiting”?

That plate needs a maxi-pad. Anyhow, they also head over to Mousy’s station to check out her babyshit balls “greek-style” meatballs…

this plate needs some Desitin and a diaper

You could subtitle her dish “Stuff That Comes Out Of A Baby”. Once they get a chance to dig in, La Gassy says GroanyBooger’s meatball, although made with whole grains, is not too dry and he loves the sauce. Daddy Tom thinks her salad is great, saying that it has a ton of flavor and that it’s a “perfect little summer salad”. Da Cow says she and Daddy Tom must have had two different salads, because all she got was a little zucchini and some arugula.

Moving on to the plate that looks like satchels of poo, Catty-Corner says when she initially walked up to Mousy’s table, everything looked heavy, but now that she has tasted it, she’s loving the texture, the yogurt on the bottom is refreshing. Daddy Tom says her meatball has lots of flavor, too, he loves the lemon and acid notes. Da Cow says she thinks the dish is really great and totally original…

no, really, this is her “it’s great” face

A couple of chubby chicks, possibly hoping to be on TV, are up at GroanyBooger’s station, they’re giggling and telling her that hers and Mousy’s dishes were the two best dishes. Um, I think they completely misunderstood that the judging criteria for the day was to choose the best out of each pair, but that doesn’t matter, GroanyBooger gladly takes that, twists it, turns around and tells Mousy that “everyone said that our two dishes were the best ones!”…

if by “everyone” she means “two dopey cows”

And while we’re speaking of the diners, did you guys also happen to notice…

that very few of them appear to be anywhere close to going hungry?

The family that contains Ninja Eddie’s dreaded little Breadsnatcher is now up talking to Jobless and Penis-Hair, and the daddy says his little girl loved their watermelon salad so much that she had about ten cups of it…

and everyone laughs as she struggles not to shit herself

Ah, I’m telling you guys, it just ain’t a fun block party unless you can torture the children a little. Or as much as you like. Anyhow, tonight’s vignette is all about the fact that TexAsian wears colored socks…

hey Magical Elves, that scraping sound? is the bottom of the barrel

I guess the other chefs are saying that TexAsian must have lucky socks because he’s been winning so much. Well, that’s certainly easier to swallow than the fact that he might be better than they are. Ugh, and did any of you see the episode of Watch Whogets Hammered Live that followed this episode? It had Gail Simmons (yay) and fucking FahBeeOh VividAnus (BOOOO) on it!…

hey Andy, that scraping sound? is what happens when you dig underneath the barrel

Scar appears…

wearing the headrest doily from my grandma’s recliner

She asks to see Jobless Grayson, TexAsian and Mousy… because the guests voted them the winners of their respective duels! But here’s where it takes a bit of a weird turn, because after they give TexAsian a bunch of love for his lowfat kalbi, and Catty-Corner gives Jobless a compliment on her making her sammiches to order, Daddy Tom wants to know if she really thought about having to win or lose based on a lowly chicken-salad. “I think it’s definitely possible…” she says, but then seeing Daddy Tom openly rolling his eyes she amends her answer, “Obviously not… you think that chicken salad is really boring.” Daddy Tom admits he does, “And you have to win this against other dishes that are potentially much more exciting than a chicken salad sandwich!” Jobless immediately snaps back…

“like a meatball?!?“

Dead silence as thoughts careen around the room like icy ping-pong balls…

you are one ballsy little unemployed chick

wish I had a double-doobie right now

I am pissed that you just said that… but I blame Bore-verly

and this is the street they named for her after she was so brutally killed

KIDDING, there’s just a moment of silence and then some awkward laughter from Catty-Corner before Jobless continues that she’s always trying to win, she thought she could make an elevated version of a chicken-salad sammich “to compete with meatballs and… Asian food.” Then she loses a few points by bringing up how haaaard it was making all that foooood fresh for two hundred peeeeople, and that’s what earns her the glare from Scar…

will you stop making fun of my shitty Old West Hooker™ wardrobe already?

I kinda see her point about the meatball, because I don’t think there’s anything overly exciting about that dish in and of itself (i.e. to my way of thinking it’s really nothing more than a small spherical hamburger patty without a bun)… but I disagree with the opinion that Jobless was trying to actively demean Asian food in general… or even TexAsian’s dish in particular… I believe she was just trying to make the point that she wasn’t being lazy or half-assed in her approach, and standing firmly behind her dish. Also, I would like to point out that it’s not her fault if the loophole of this challenge was that she only had to make a better chicken salad sammich than Penis-Hair in order to stay in the competition. In other words, take it up with the Magical Elves, Daddy Tom!

Oh, look… we’ve forgotten all about Mousy standing there fuming… but we don’t really care because the win goes to TexAsian… AGAIN…

Lucky Socks Means Fifteen Thousand!

Wow, that brings his cash total to $50,000.00 (if I’m adding right)! That’s two-fifths of the actual grand prize! Way to go TexAsian… don’t blow it like DirtyBear did in Season Six, or OranJello in Season Seven!

They wander back to the Stew Room and send GroanyBooger, Ninja Eddie and Penis-Hair out to face the Judges. After they leave, Jobless says she feels like she just got brutalized over fucking chicken-salad (word!) and perhaps she ought to be in there standing with the rest of the loozahs right now…

after that meatball comment, I doubt that Mousy would mind that very much

Scar starts by asking Ninja Eddie how he made his kalbi healthier. He bullshits that the traditional form is served with rice, which he calls “empty calories”, so he decided to replace it with a “very light, almost pita-like bread”. Scar immediately points out that “Bread is empty calories, too.”…

chilly titties! (a.k.a. you are COLD BUSTED!)

Catty-Corner says that it is commendable that he made his own bread, but the rest of the dish would have had to be perfect, and it wasn’t. Daddy Tom also points out that when he insisted on using short-ribs and tried to get rid of some of the fat content by literally trimming it out of the meat, he got rid of the best thing about short-ribs, so it’s no wonder TexAsian’s dish kicked his ass.

For Penis-Hair, he’s insistent that his dish was super-healthy with the lean white-meat chicken and no mayo, whereas Jobless used dark meat and mayo. Daddy Tom says he agrees that Penis’s choices were healthier, and his tofulsification was a great trick… but by building all his sammiches ahead of time they just dried out in the heat. La Gassy also says he was excited about the frozen pineapple-watermelon salad, but he didn’t like getting chunks of ice in his, it should have been better blended…

now would have been a good time to bring up the killer swarm

As for GroanyBooger, she of course thought both Mousy’s and her meatballs were delicious (after all, those two chicks told her so!) but believes she went the extra healthy mile by using turkey instead of lamb and veal like Mousy did. Catty-Corner says she couldn’t taste a lot of the apricot in her dish because it was so mild against the tomato sauce, and she wished that there had not been cheese on top, especially since it just added back fat to the dish. Daddy Tom also brings up how he was talking about all the amazing veggies that were in her salad… and yet Da Cow only had zucchini and arugula leaves in her bowl…

ehhhhh, you fucked up, Boogs Bunny

Well, I think this one was pretty easy to call, especially when Daddy Tom said he had “idea after idea after idea” but could not execute any of them…

done in by the simple scientific effect of hot air on sammich bread

Yes, it’s time for Penis-Hair to pack up his big bag of bullshit tricks and go back to Motoville. He admits the mistakes he made were stupid and unnecessary, and even his jaunty Pebbles-doink looks dejected that he has to go home now…

OR DOES HE???!??!?!?!

Ugh, of all people, I really wanted this to be the last I saw of Penis-Hair, and I can’t say I’m super-confident in Bore-verly’s ability to kick his ass to the curb for good, but here we go anyhow, he winds up back at El Casa De Cheffo and pulls a total Chris Scary move…

beer thief!

Naturally he finds his You’re-Not-Really-Done-Just-Yet-Letter in his suitcase…

ewww, nestled right up next to his boogery snotrag

After reading the “Here’s your chance to make it right, meet me in the kitchen…” part, Penis-Hair does just that…

guess Daddy Tom shoulda been a little more specific

He waits around for a while before finally figuring out that they meant the Top Chef Kitchen… but to be fair, I wonder how many of the other eliminated chefs did this exact same thing and they just didn’t show the footage…

this is what you get for tryina be a Smartypants

Oh well, it gave him a chance to have another beer. Eventually he heads over to the TC Kitchen (hope he didn’t drive himself) and finds Daddy Tom and Bore-verly standing there. He tells us he thinks Bore is very nice person, very quiet, and a strong cook, but she doesn’t really intimidate him…

he’s obviously forgotten what she’s like when it’s time to buy pork-loin or strip steak

Daddy Tom tells Penis-Hair about Redemption Kitchen, mentions that there was a big showdown last week and says he’s going to bring in a few people to talk about it. Cue the Pathetic Pit of fully eliminated chefs, and Penis-Hair is shocked to see…

his BF LimpHawk looking more Hall’N'Oates-y than ever

Naturally Daddy Tom gives a big butt-kiss to Divot Diva Nyesha and taunts her a little with the fact that she’d most surely rather still be in the chef-coat competing. Then he asks LimpHawk how he thinks Penis-Hair is going to fare against Bore-verly. “He’s gonna destroy it!” is his unnecessarily violent reply. Then Daddy asks Divot Diva the same thing about Bore, and she’s kinda like, meh, bitch is strong, I guess.

Daddy drops the bomb that next week will be the end of Redemption Kitchen, whoever wins there will go right back into the competition… I personally am going to breathe a sigh of relief, because these fucking webisodes make every damned show into a supersized one. Let’s get to this week’s challenge.

Which is essentially a rip-off of Chopped, because the chefs have “mystery boxes” on their stations, and they have to make a dish using everything they find inside. To make it extra hard, there will be additional “mystery boxes” introduced during the cooking time with additional ingrediences for them to use. And they only get 30 minutes to cook…

please oh please let me have short ribs or Asian food inside

No such luck for either of them, the stuff they find inside includes: marshmallows, pine nuts, parsnips, buttermilk, lamb chops and something Penis-Hair calls “Saigon cinnamon”? Both of them are like WTF? Which is also exactly like Chopped. Penis-Hair eventually decides to make some kind of dish using everything (which, DUH, that’s what he’s supposed to do). Better yet, when Divot Diva calls out to Bore to ask her what she’s making, Bore just snaps back “You’ll find out!” and goes back to work…

this goes over about as well as you’d expect (DUCKLIPS!)

Yeah, but fuck these people, if I were Bore I wouldn’t be wasting breath chin-jawing with them, either. As Mousy pointed out earlier in the episode, yapping only slows you down. Bore tells us she really has no idea what she’s going to make, and at first she was going to do a dessert until the meat popped up…

and she’s kinda taking her frustrations out on it right now

Suddenly here comes DaCody Diablo with another “mystery box” and inside is… radicchio. Penis-Hair makes a face because I guess it is really bitter. Bore, on the other hand, holds it up and says “This is it?? Racicchio??” Chris Scary yells out “You want more, Beverly?” She ignores him (more people should) and tells us this is the perfect ingredience she needed, it will balance everything else out nicely. Or so she hopes, because…

here go Hag come

Naturally Penis-Hair is the first to go approach the box (and gives Hag a high-five while he’s at it). Inside he finds… white anchovies…

AAAAAAUUUGGGHHH!

He asks sarcastically “Who doesn’t love white anchovies with lamb? I don’t! I don’t like that at all!” In the end he decides to deep-fry them whole. Then he goes back and makes a bunch of stupid splatters on his plate, while all the other chefs root for him. Time runs out and Daddy Tom starts with Bore-verly…

thankfully she doused her flaming lamb

Bore says she had fun with this, and then Daddy Tom moves on to Penis-Hair…

thankfully there was no time to use liquid nitrogen, so Daddy won’t crack a tooth on anything

After he’s eaten, Daddy says this was an interesting challenge because they both had basically the same ingrediences and their presentations were very similar. He likes Bore’s lamb, it was nicely cooked and well-sliced, her purée wasn’t too sweet, and he liked how she used her mushrooms for an earthy quality, it was nicely put together. Same goes for Penis-Hair, the lamb was perfectly cooked and seasoned, his use of orange added brightness and acid to the radicchio, also a very nice dish. That’s nice. CRITIQUE SOMETHING!!!!!!!

However, one didn’t quite hit the mark as well on working the ingrendiences into the dish fully, and his name rhymes with Genius-Lair which means the winner is…

still going to annoy the shit out of everyone

I wonder how many guns they had to train on the Pathetic Pit to get them to clap for her so quickly? This means it really is the end of the road for poor Penis-Hair…

thanks for playing… go get a haircut please

Even sadder is when Daddy Tom tells him that this was one of his best dishes he made in the entire competition. Yowtch. Thanks for the salt-shake on the loser-wound, Daddy!

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Do you think GroanyBooger and Mousy should have won the QuickFire over Jobless Grayson and Penis-Hair since they finished first? (I’m guessing that may have been part of their rationale) And could GroanyBooger be any bigger of a sore loser? Did you feel like the challenge was kinda unfair to the chefs by telling them to make their dishes lowfat AFTER they had already chosen something? And is there such a thing as an “elevated chicken-salad sammich”? And do you admire Jobless for sassing back to Daddy Tom, or do you think it was ill-advised and risky?

Thanks as always for reading and your commentary, and we’ll be back in a few days with a brand new episode, and it will be interesting to see if Bore can worm her way back into the competition. In the meantime, here are Chunky and Chica enjoying a ray of winter sunshine…

and making kissy-smooch faces at each other

See y’all soon!

love, J-Mo

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