Top Chef: 57 Minutes of Crap & Fan Favorite

This week on Top Chef, Daddy Tom’s face says it all:

“Wake me up if something interesting happens…”

The reunion opens with the host wearing the standard shit-eating grin all these Bravo hosts wear, welcoming us and introducing the judges. Gail’s channelling Violet Beauregarde by sporting a blueberry muumuu for the event, while Daddy Tom has opted for a vest that makes him look like a shoe cobbler. Scar and Ted Allen thankfully do not look like they got dressed in the dark.

After briefly explaining that Richard will be chatting via satellite because Momma Blais is about to pop out Baby Blais any moment, Shit-Grinner asks Yoda what it felt like to win Top Chef. She thought it was swell, which is both shocking and fascinating at the same time. Shit-Grinner then asks the judges what they thought about Richard’s “I choked” speech at the final Judges’ Table. Gail says she was shocked Richard would admit it, but DT and Ted disagree, saying it was very consistent with Richard’s truthful personality. Well, truthful unless he’s being asked who cleaned the fish.

Turning to Fleasa — still rocking the Pat haircut — Shit-Grinner wants to know if she really thought she could have won. She says she did think she had a good shot since she was very pleased with her final performance, but if she had to lose to anyone, she’s glad it was Yoda. So am I. If someone like Dale had won, she would have castrated him right there. Hmm, on second thought then, I wish she had lost to Evangelass. His winning would have been worth it.

DT asks Yoda if she’d rather be known as the first female Top Chef or merely the winner of season 4 of Top Chef. She goes with winner of season 4, because she doesn’t want people to think she won simply by having a vag, and she doesn’t identify herself as a female chef — just a chef. Shit-Grinner then wants to know how Yoda’s going to use her prize money.

“Adding on to my “Star Wars” collection, of course!”

Yoda’s first purchase.

Viewer question: does any have any regrets? Dale jumps in and says he wouldn’t have made the butterscotch scallops dish, which prompts Scar to come out of her stoned stupor and quip “Yeah, we regret that too…” Wow, Scar made a funny! Okay, now back to contemplating whether Steve Wozniak is too gross for even her to bang. Beasty admits regretting using the word “phallic” on national television, although she should be regretting sharing a hairstyle with Richard even more.

The chat about regrets leads to our first silly montage — this one of bromances. First up is the infamous bubble bath scene with Evangelass and Mutton, which reminds me how much better Mutton looked with longer hair. We still don’t get a clear explanation for that event though. Next is the never-before-seen Dale/Richard bromance. Basically, Dale is complaining how Twitch was watching him rub lotion on his nipples. Okay, that raises some questions. A) Is Twitch a masochist? Why on earth would you watch that? It’s like looking directly at the sun — that shit will burn your corneas. Oh, and B) Who rubs lotion on their nipples? Does that mean they are dry? Why are they dry? Instead of being alarmed and confused by this news like me, Richard takes it in stride, saying “You have gorgeous nipples. I mean, what’s wrong with admiring something so beautiful?” Okay, maybe they’re dry from Richard sucking on them.

“YEAH bitches, you like that? Daddy give you lots more!”

The third bromance is Twitch and Evangelass, who was spreading his diseases around a bit. This is from the episode they were calling themselves “Vanilla Love” but I still prefer “Douche Twins.” Oh man, and there’s some new footage of them doing bad white-boy rapping. This should have been permanently left on the cutting room floor. However, we do get another quotable gem from Twitch, he of culinary boners, when he says, “I’m not gay, but I’d probably let him bang me!” Between that comment and the eyeing of Dale’s areolae, I’m thinking Twitch needs to do some reevaluating.

FYI: Mutton found some poor chick who’s a sucker for accents and got his green card by marrying the girl three weeks ago. Hope your dinner guests don’t mind their food with a side of saliva.

Turning to our favorite lesbian alliance, Shit-Grinner asks them if their relationship helped or hindered their performance on the show. Zoi, still as unpleasant as ever, thinks it actually hurt them quite a bit, contrary to what Evangelass said about them having an advantage. He defends his statement, evidently worried that he’s going to come off as intolerant of homosexuality as he carefully picks his words and phrases. I’m entertained because I like seeing the asshat squirm. Shit-Grinner wants to know if the lesbian alliance is still in tact, and Beasty vaguely says they’ve had their bumps while Zoi looks on angrily and finally says they won’t discuss it. If they’re not yet broken up, I hope they will be soon. Beasty can do so much better even with the fauxhawk.

“Bumps?! You call kicking my fugly, skanky ass to the curb a ‘bump’?!”

Another viewer question comes from Cory in South Carolina who thinks Evangelass is the best Top Chef contestant ever. Kill yourself now, Cory. He wants to know if Evangelass’s douchey behavior (i.e. using QF advantages to screw over other chefs, repeatedly lying to mindfuck people) was intentional strategy or just his charming personality. Evangelass says he was just playing the game and having fun with it, which doesn’t really answer it either way. Yoda comments that she hated him for the first 8 episodes or so, but she’s used to working with “arrogant assholes” so she eventually got over it. Shit-Grinner takes a poll of who thinks Evangelass could win fan favorite, and quite a few of the chefs raise their hands. No no no no! I’m assuming it’ll be Richard or Yoda. Not all the voters were as stupid as Cory, right?

Cue up another goofy montage — this one on nightmares. Nothing really worth reporting here except Richard telling us he was having a sex dream about Momma Blais (with footage of him wiggling under the covers), and Mutton showed up in his dream and possibly watched. Um, gross dude and way TMI. I never wanted to hear the words “Richard” and “sex dream” in the same sentence, but throwing voyeuristic Mutton into the mix is triggering my gag reflex. I guess I should be thankful it wasn’t Fleasa.

Shit-Grinner asks who watched the show before appearing on it, and surprisingly several of them don’t raise their hands (Mutton, Twitch, Erik, and the self-righteous chick who got her ass booted the first week… great decision-making there, honey). Even those who watched the show admit they really had no idea what they were in for. Still should have figured out the dessert thing though, geniuses.

You can wear all the tough-guy arm bands and jewelry you want, Erik. Still doesn’t change the fact you teared up like a little girl with a skinned knee at Judges’ Table. Does make you look more like a douche, though.

Another montage, where we see Ryan (whose dad let him out of the sweat shop kitchen again for a few hours to tape this) never shuts the fuck up or makes much sense when babbling. Thank god he didn’t make the finale, or they would have been at Judges’ Table for another 12 hours. Wait, what am I talking about? Ryan sucks. There’s no way he could have made the finale unless he was banging Gail. Take note, questionably-talented male season 5 chefs. The next montage is about Antonia, comparing her to Bunny Foo Foo (Casey) in that working with Antonia is the kiss of death. In short order we see three people who worked with Antonia get eliminated, as the other chefs jokingly call her the “black hammer.” This nickname would be much more appropriate for Fleasa, but alas she’d already been dubbed “Crazy, dirty, bitch.”

Montage of outtakes from the holding pen, aka “the stew room.” During this we learn Antonia sees a lot of hookers when she visits the zoo (who doesn’t? Although I tend to run into them more at the library), and that drunk Mutton likes fuck up Glad’s product placement by dressing up as Plastic Wrap Man. Then, given his appreciation of sanitation, he rolled it back up and shoved it back in the box. Meanwhile, the judges aren’t always classy either. Bourdain (heart) and Scar delight in smashing the hopes and dreams of the losers, and Gail ate so much of Fleasa’s goddamn coconut soup she lapsed into a food coma and drooled on the table during the finale.

Hey dipshits, the hobbit is supposed to have disappeared when you open the magic box.

After a montage of how critical the judges can be (nothing new in it), a viewer wants to know which judge is the hardest to impress. Evangelass picks Bourdain while Daddy Tom purses his lips and looks pouty that he wasn’t selected. Shit-Grinner gives the chefs a chance to ask the judges any lingering questions, and Evangelass (of course) wants to know how they justified keeping Richard and his scaley fish over Zoi and her poorly seasoned mushrooms. After explaining that only a few people were negatively affected by the scales, everyone had to eat the mushrooms, Daddy Tom states that he stands by every decision he made on the show. Including the decision to wear this vest, in case you were wondering.

This brings them to Dale’s controversial elimination when Daddy Tom was being philanthropic or some shit. DT says that based on watching the episode he would have kept Dale since Fleasa messed up two dishes but Dale only messed up one. When asked what he thought about his elimination, Dale takes the high road and says he thinks the right decision was made because he knows he messed up big time on those scallops. Unlike Zoi, who snottily says she “came to terms with” her elimination for the mushrooms. Zoi and Fleasa should so date. Is it wrong to wish for murder-suicide?

And now it’s time to confront Fleasa on her shitty, shitty attitude. And hopefully her hygiene. After a montage of her death glares, Fleasa admits she’s been getting dirty looks on the street (a bottle to the head is next, dear friend), but claims she takes criticism fine in real life. Probably because once she gives the person that look, they stop criticizing her. She and Twitch then squabble a bit over the time she called him out at JT for missing a requirement, but it’s pretty uneventful as he complains that he was hurt and it was unnecessary, and she claims she regretted it. And that’s pretty much it for confronting Fleasa. I’m pretty disappointed. While I doubted they’d say anything about her lack of showering, I’m surprised they’re letting her get off so easily, almost teasing her about being a gigantic bitch. I was looking forward to her glaring and ranting for old times’ sake.

I guess this will have to do. Good times.

Shit-Grinner then brings up the subject of Twitch’s crack-fueled energy, and we get yet another montage of both new and old clips of Twitch acting like a complete nutjob. Afterwards, he looks a little embarrassed or sad, and Shit-Grinner comments on possible sexual (?) tension between him and Gail. If by sexual tension Shit-Grinner means the way Gail treats him like he’s mentally challenged, then I definitely see it.

“I have a boner right now. And not the culinary type.”

The next montage is about their best first. Coming in fourth place is Dale vs. Evangelass, when Evangelass called Dale a little bitch. It features a new line where Dale taunts Evangelass about his little hats.. that now Dale seems to wear all the time. Maybe he was just jealous. In third place is Dale vs. Fleasa, and their argument about who chose the rice during Restaurant Wars. Coming in second is the Fleasa vs. Twitch squabble already discussed. But the best fight goes to the clusterfuck of Beasty, Evangelass, Antonia, Fleasa, Dale, and Dale’s junk. Shit-Grinner asks for clarification on what exactly that was about, and Dale clarifies that his bitchassness all came from being pissed Fleasa won that EC and a trip to Italy. That’s what I thought. What a jackass.

Guess what’s next? Another goddamn montage. Recapping these reunion shows is torture, people. However the alternative is studying for the bar exam, so let’s keep going! This montage is about all the swearing (which really toned down after the first two episodes or so), especially that of the ladies. As one viewer writes, they sound like drunken sailors on shore leave. In the montage, Dale says he’s working on not swearing so much (yeah that’s going swimmingly) and Yoda blames her dirty mouth on her mother, who I’m sure is thrilled right now. Afterwards, everyone’s amused except Daddy Tom, who takes all the fun out of it by lecturing them on being professional in future interviews. I think even their dumb asses can figure out that saying, “Fuck yeah, it was fucking awesome and shit to be on Top Chef” would be inappropriate. Vests evidently make someone cranky. Looks like DT’s going to have to strip for us. It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

The producers of the show evidently love Richard, for it’s time for a Richard-dedicated montage before he joins them via satellite. He chats about his preggers wife and opening his new restaurant in Atlanta, before Shit-Grinner directs him back to Dale’s nipples — which Richard still thinks are gorgeous. Good to know, thanks for the update. Dale better keep some lotion handy in case Richard decides to come visit. DT takes over and says this was Richard’s competition to lose (I always thought Yoda had the advantage, personally), so… what the fuck happened, Blais? Richard talks again about over-thinking and failing to make the best meal of his life for the finale, but seems pretty accepting of what happened. Either that or he’s so tired waiting for his wife to pop that he just doesn’t give a shit anymore.

Aww, Richard bought Dale a Top Chef t-shirt!

With the time running out, it’s finally time to reveal the fan favorite. When asked who they think won, the chick who got booted first earns herself 5 more seconds of TV time by suggesting she’s the winner. Good for you sweetheart, now go back to obscurity. Daddy Tom seems to think Twitch and Yoda both have a good shot, and tells Fleasa that she’s more likely to win “America’s Next Top Model” than fan favorite. Fleasa instinctually starts the glare but then tries to laugh it off at the same time, leaving her with an expression like she’s in the middle of a colonoscopy. And the winner is… Yoda! No one seems that enthused — probably pissed off Yoda swept the prizes here at the end — and she laughingly says she’s buying everyone dinner and drinks. For the next three years.

Well that’s the reunion, everyone, and the official end of season four of Top Chef. Thank you all for hanging out with me here at the ‘gasm for the past few months and for sharing your thoughts on this great show. I’ve loved recapping this for you guys, and I hope you’ve enjoyed reading them! I’m taking a recapping break for little while, but I’ll see you in the fall!

LoLo