Top Chef: Battle Of The Sexists

I’ve officially started my countdown. Four days from today I will be in gorgeous Las Vegas, Nevada, most likely drunk off my ass and probably hazily wondering where my room key / cell phone / boyfriend / underwear has disappeared to, and that will be just fine with me, because that’s part of what Vegas is all about: doing things you wouldn’t normally do and marinating everything in alcohol. Or maybe other substances…

…and here I thought only Flipit could exhale like that…

Hell, I ain’t gonna turn anything down that’s offered my way (other than STDs). And on tonight’s fun-filled episode of Top Chef we will be offered visions of clueless women, wet men and Daddy Tom in shorts! Oh, and Prop 8 ruins yet another wedding party. Get ready for some lesbian rage after the jump!…First off, an apology to anyone who may have been offended by my tatt-o-phobia in the last recap, I’ve learned all kinds of new things about skin art since then, and I can honestly say I’ve gained a new appreciation for it. Or, at least I did until I got a good look at Fat Kid’s tattoo…

…it’s not just the unoriginality of the dragon design that I find distasteful, it’s the giant sweltering zit right next to it…

I got that from Bravo’s site (couldn’t they have at least PhotoShopped the pimple away?) and if you’re a fan of epidermal doodlings, you can see the rest of the cast’s work here. ‘Nuff said.

On with the show. I have to wonder why Li’l Volt is always making that “I-smell-ass” face…

…takes one to smell one…

It’s a new day at Chez Cheftestant, and Biker Chick is up and a-raring to go…

…Top Narcoleptic…

She admits that she’s up against a lot of really talented chefs, but thinks she rocked it in the Quickfire the day before. Then she remembers she boned it in the Elimination challenge (with her “Mummified Sawdust Former-Chicken”) and gets all sad-faced again. WackEve’s also in a quandary about whether or not she should “staart cooking for the judges” or “just go all aout” and cook her style of food “yand hoope ferr the byest”. I’m curious as to why she feels the two are mutually exclusive, but then again, who knows what kind of orders she’s getting from her home planet.

Big Volt’s saying how weird it is to be there with his brother Li’l Volt, but believes their sibling rivalry is what has pushed them to the level that they’re cooking at. Man, that takes me back to the sibling rivalry I had with my older brother M-Mo… but we kept things pretty civil, mostly because I always had really good dirt on him, like that time he got drunk on one of his pitchers of “M-Mosas” (which is made with 3:1 Triple-Sec and Sprite) and yarked all over my mom’s prized black-velvet paint-by-the-numbers depiction of The Last Supper (she’s dyslexic, so Jesus ended up Oompah-Loompah Orangeâ„¢ while Judas was a pretty Martian green) and I saved his ass by telling her our cat Benny did it. Poor Benny got sent outside for the night and… wait, where was I? OH yeah…

…the Brothers Volt + competition = wearing trucker hats with silly lightning bolts on them…

Yay for dysfunctional families and fraternal birth order issues! Let’s head on out to the Quickfire Challenge!

As they enter the new fabulous G.E. Monograhamcracker Kitchen our DirtyBear immediately recognizes the guest judge standing next to Scar and identifies him as Todd English. Honestly, I thought it might have been an out-of-face drag queen, cuz Todd has weirdly precise and pretty features. I mean look what happens if I add Scar’s hair to him…

..♪.insta-tranny!.♪..

Tranny English is standing next to what DirtyBear calls “this big-ass craps table… which, by the way, side-note: this is the closest I’ve ever been to a craps table.” I can believe that, DirtyBear looks like the buffet table is more his style. Bitter Jen, on the other hand, could give less of a fuck about the craps table, she’s too busy eye-fucking Tranny-Todd…

…”I bet I could make him cry, too.”…

Scar tells them that a great chef needs to be able to make something fabulous from within the confines of their own pantry. At first I thought that meant that the chefs were all going to get a box of random ingredients like they do on Ted Allen’s show Chopped and make something out of them, but I’m wrong as usual. Instead, they have to roll the dice on the craps table and whatever number comes up is the number of ingredients they’ll have to use to make a dish. Salt, pepper and oil are exempt from the ingredient count.

Biker Chick immediately giggles nervously that getting only 2 ingredients would suck. I guess she’s forgetting that if one of those ingredients is butter, it’s all good from there. Meanwhile, Li’l Volt (and his douchey turned-around trucker hat) thinks that being forced to use 12 ingredients would be way worse…

…especially if one of those ingredients was love…

I’m sorry, I dunno why this guy (and his jerkoff older brother) annoys me so much, but he just does. Why does it seem to be written in stone that in order to be a good and talented chef you have to act like a dickface and play “Whose Culinary Cock Is The Biggest?” every chance you get? That’s something I guess I’ve gotten spoiled by from the Top Chef Masters these past 10 weeks… those guys & gals were all badasses in the kitchen, and yet they had abundant joy in sharing their talents for creating and celebrating good food with others. It seems like too often the cheftestants have completely lost sight of that. Then again, it’s fun to talk shit about dicky-bitchfaces, so let’s keep going!

One other thing Scar has to tell them is that this is another “high-stakes” Quickfire Challenge… which means another $15,000.00 chip is up for grabs for the winner (provided by M Resort, who want to remind you that “Just because we’re ten miles south of the actual Strip doesn’t mean you can’t have fun here, too!”). Chefbian MaryMann (whose name I will likely be tired of typing before this recap is over with) pipes up that $15K is a lot of money and says “Dear America: Chefs… we don’t make a lotta cash!”…

…Dear MaryMann: Medicare-D Claims Adjusters… we don’t either, so quit whining!…

DirtyBear is up to roll first and is super-nervous, “I’m not one to marry a whole ton of flavors on a plate together, so I’m hoping to roll a low number.” Because God hates fat people, he immediately gets a 10. Skinny-ass Sattine, on the other hand, giggles prettily, blows on the dice and flings them across the table with a limp-wristed gesture that could rival one of my own… and he is rewarded with a 4.

Papi Cholo gets a cinco, Island Man Ron rolls 8 and Biker Chick’s 2-ingredient nightmares don’t come true, cuz she gets a 9. WackEve’s got 8, Big Volt also gets stuck with 10 and Bitter Jen follows Biker Chick’s example and rolls a 9. Sticky Wickett winds up on the other end of the spectrum when she rolls a 3 so she tells us that she’s going to go with the idea of “simplicity”. What’s fun is how she acts like she has a choice there. I hope she goes for a dumbed-down version of black mole.

Scar gives them their 30 minutes and boom! Mayhem and madness everywhere! Especially on WackEve’s face…

…”Ohuh?”…

She’s making a grilled asparagus salad with bleu cheese, and insists that she loves a lot of “assertive flavors” and wants to showcase that side of her cooking. I wish she’d showcase a non-vacant facial expression once in a while, I don’t know how much more I can take of looking at her and thinking “This is what my mom would have looked like if she had grown up among ‘hill folk’.” The resemblance is too eerie.

Meanwhile Li’l Volt got 8 ingredients and believes there’s no time to put anything on the stove, so he’s going to make a gazpacho and jazz it up with some liquid nitrogen to turn it into Gazpacho Dippin’ Dots. Big Volt’s watching this and scoffs at his brother, saying he sometimes goes too far with his techniques, and thinks it’s important to stay true to “the classic flavors”, so he’s making a black cod and preparing it sous vide (which is under vacuum-packing and cooked in a water-filled thermal immersion circulator). This is the same cooking method that boned it for Beaker last season, and it seems a little weird that Big Volt chose to go this route, since normally sous vide takes a long time at fairly low temperatures, and if done incorrectly can grow the deadly botulinum toxin (a.k.a. BoTox) and kill you…

…I have no idea why BoTox bacteria are Gay Pride-colored, but here’s what they supposedly look like…

So, if you eat food that has been sous vide improperly you could suffer from minor annoyances like respiratory failure and death. But your insides would be wrinkle free!

DirtyBear and Bitter Jen seem to be making the best of their 10- and 9-ingredient handicaps, and Biker Chick is trying to do the same with her scallop dish, but she used the wrong kind of pan to sear them with, and as a result they’re still wobbly-white and pasty-looking with no pretty caramelization coloring. She briefly considers browning some butter and trying to get some color on them that way, but she already blew through her 9 ingredients, so the butter method is out. The only thing left to do would be to bust out a brown Sharpie Marker and hope for the best. Or design a new tattoo…

…one that says “LOSER”…

And time is up! The first one that Scar and Tranny English approach is Sticky Wickett with her whopping 3 ingredients…

After sipping the soup, Tranny says in a reeeeeally deep voice (that’s gonna make it extra-hard for him to pass as a lady) that it is “Interesting.” Thank you, Death, for that gentle kiss.

Moving on to Bitter Jen and her 9 ingredients…

After her somewhat defiant description (her voice is dripping with a weird “The-dice-tried-to-fuck-with-me-by-making-me-use-9-ingredients-BUT-I-SHOWED-ALL-OF-YOU-MUTHA-FUCKAHHHHHS” note) all Tranny has to say about the dish is a resonant “Thank you.”. If Bitter Jen was hoping for the keycard to his suite at the “M”, I think she’s been denied.

What did our girl boy Sattine make with his 4 ingredients? Why, he also went with soup!…

And to be extra cute he put a little “4″ on it! You know, details are a gay’s guy’s best friend! He lispily tells them “I make ’4′ you two!” Ah haaa, comment très intelligent de lui! And BTW, Prince just called and said “May U Live 2 C The Dawn.”

Oh dear, next in line is our poor WackEve and her 8 ingredients…

That asparagus looks seriously depressed and may be considering whether or not to throw itself into the puddle of yellow stuff and drown. Scar gingerly licks some of the sauce from her knife tip and Tranny glances at her meaningfully and pronounces the dish “Interesting.” Gee thanks, Ms. Spock.

Now it’s Li’l Volt’s turn to see if he can impress the Tranny with his 8 ingredients…

This time he is rewarded, as Tranny actually compliments the dish, “Right, that’s a great twist on the tradition!” Li’l Volt’s head just grew two more sizes. Big Volt’s gonna try to give him a swirly for it later, I’m sure.

Upon approaching DirtyBear’s 10-ingredient dish, Scar says something he probably hardly ever hears: “Wow, this looks pretty!”…

Again, Tranny actually gives more than a one-word reply, saying he liked the acidity in it, and thought that was “a nice touch”. It must be pretty good, because Scar’s making sex-face over it…

…and to think that Salman Rushdie got to see this face when they were married…

Of course, she also kinda looks like she’s ready to blow her cookies. I bet Rushdie saw his fair share of that, too. I’m just saying, he’s not the sexiest author under death-threats that I’ve ever seen.

Moving right along we come to MaryMann and her 8-ingredient concoction…

Scar takes one look at the pulsating chop and says “That lamb looks very rare. Did you cook it by just staring at it for 30 minutes?” Okay, she doesn’t say that last part, but I don’t even know if they tasted it or not. Tranny’s back to just plain “Thank you, chef.” Not cute.

It’s Big Volt’s turn to impress with his 10 ingredients and classic flavors!…

Well, any dish that looks like Christmas is bound to be considered a “classic”, I guess. Tranny takes a bite and says rather accusingly, “You poached this really rare.” Li’l Volt can barely suppress a snicker.

Time to check in with Biker Chick and her 9-ingredient blobby scallops…

Can anyone tell me what the difference is between something that’s “mashed” and something that’s “smashed”? Does she mean the garbanzo beans are drunk? Anyhow, after tasting the dish, Tranny makes a rather cryptic comment to her: “Chimichurri seems to be the sauce of the year!” Biker Chick insists it goes really really well with fish. I’m sure Tranny needed to be reminded of that, Miss Home-Schooled Chef.

Weirdly enough, they’re finished judging after showing us only nine of the Quickfire dishes! Booooooo, Bravo! I wanted to know how Gay Ashlee, Fat Kid, Papi Cholo, Sexist Pigshit, Not-So-Pretty, 80′s Hooker and Island Man Ron did! Ah well, if they won’t do it for me, then I’ll do it for you guys…

…these seven dishes were apparently the forgettable “in the middle” ones…

Everyone gathers to hear Tranny’s verdict. He says there were a lot of great flavors and a great effort by everyone (except the seven they didn’t care to show us). Then for his least favorite dishes he calls out Biker Chick’s scallops for being “blonde” and says that “When you have mushy on mushy it’s not nice.” Also he nails WackEve to the wall for both the blew cheese overpowering her asparagus and for the wacky presentation…

…”Haah?”…

Ah, and also getting a royal Tranny-fucking is Big Volt! Todd says the flavors were pretty good but that there was a little too much yuzu in the dish that overpowered everything else. You can tell that Li’l Volt is doing the dick-dance in his head… especially when Tranny-Todd says he’s in the top three, along with Bitter Jen and DirtyBear! Oooh, is Bitter Jen going to take her winnings total up to $30,000.00? Nope, the prize goes to Li’l Volt. Big Volt is clapping, but he has that nut-punched look. Of course, Li’l Volt makes sure to interview that it’s not so much the money as it is being “one-up” on his brother…

…”I’m too awesome to even look at you people right now.”…

Yup, I’d say he’s “one-up” in douche-factor over his brother all right. Plus, he also wins immunity so I know we’re condemned to seeing that leathery face and oversized blade-like schnozz for at least another week. Ugh.

Oh well, it’s time to find out about this week’s Elimination Challenge. Scar says they’ll be experiencing “another Vegas tradition”. So they’ll be waking up in a parking lot with three empty Cuervo bottles, a pair of split-crotch panties and a scorching case of itchy-cooch? Well, my guess is close, they’ll be attending the event that comes before the parking lot… the bachelor / bachelorette party! Upon hearing this DirtyBear is excited to tell us that he had a bachelor party and describes it as having been “rather debaucherous… that is all I’m going to say about that!”…

…”I touched a boob.”…

I’m sure his wife just loves hearing about that night. I’ve never quite understood why couples spend all that time and money getting ready to get married just to destroy each other’s trust in the final nights before the event (remember Mario Lopez?) but whatever.

Someone who’s not liking the subject of this challenge is our chefbian MaryMann. She admits she’s having some “personal feelings” about it due to her gayness, but we’ll revisit that later. For now, Scar also drops the bomb that it’s going to go down “Battle Of The Sexes” style, women vs. men. This makes sense as Tranny Todd will most likely be a super-impartial judge. Even better, the ladies will be catering for the bachelor party, and the gentlemen for the bachelorette. Ha! The guys better learn how to make penis-shaped hors d’Å“uvres!

Whichever team wins gets immunity, and someone from the losing team will be up to get sent home. Papi Cholo is pleased by this development: “Da guyss are berry estrong-uh, and de girlss ten’ toobee a leedel bee morr green… we godda berry goo’ chance too ween dees!” On the other hand, Bitter Jen is pretty insulted at being lumped in with the other girls, “I think the battle of the sexes challenge is absolutely reedickulous! It doesn’t matter if you’re a boy or a girl… (Tranny Todd would be so happy to hear this!… -J-Mo) …aaand I’m a little pissed-off about it!”…

…”Someone touched my boob at a bachelor party.”…

Not a girl’s girl, huh Bitter Jen? That’s okay, neither am I. Anyhow, Scar wants the cheftestants to welcome the “lovely couple” Karen and Greg, who both enter the kitchen carrying trays full of their “three favorite shots”. DrunKaren describes them as the “Moscow Mule”, “Golden Delicious” and “Tequila” and insists that they are looking for some good food to be paired with the shots…

…”Preferably stuff that’ll come back up as easily as it went down.”…

Never in life have I heard of pairing food with shots. I can see wine-pairing, and maybe even beer-pairing, but isn’t the whole purpose of a shot to obliterate the majority of your senses? Who cares what kind of crap you’re shoveling in your mouth when you’re drunk? That’s why I save the stale chips and unsalted Ry-Krisp for late in the party when people are less likely to notice they’re chomping up building materials instead of munchies.

The teams are going to have ten minutes to meet with the bride / groom and plan their menus around these shots. Gay Ashlee’s about as pleased as I would be about having to come up with a dish in this manner, and describes the Moscow Mule as “a gingery vodka grapefruit shot” and the Golden Delicious as “sweet, gooey and disgusting”…

…”Kinda like my Ex-Boyfriend.”…

While DrunKaren is meeting with the menz and they’re figuring out who’s going to pair a dish with what shot, she’s telling them that she’s a “pescatarian” (which means she won’t harm the fuzzy cuddly cows & pigs & chickens, but those slimy fish and pokey hard-ass shellfish better watch the fuck out). Oh, and just for extra added fun, one of DrunKaren’s friends is a vegan, so they won’t be able to escape tofu, either. She also claims that she puts sriracha on “almost everything”. Well, some “partiers” are known for having a diminished sense of taste (which would explain a “Gooey Golden Delicious” being one of her favorite shots).

Meanwhile, the women are chatting with GluGreg, who’s telling them he also loves shellfish, has a huge sweet tooth and prefers Japanese to Chinese food. He also likes long walks on the beach, sharing his feelings, and having a good cry whenever “Steel Magnolias” or “The Color Purple” comes on TV. 80′s Hooker is excited to be working on the Girl Power Team and remembers that when she started out in the food biz it was strictly a “man’s world”. Yeah, but it would be nothin’ without a woman or a girl (or especially a hooker).

Time for another frantic 30 minute shopping spree at Whole Paycheck Market with $800 per team, and Sticky Wickett’s thinking about doing a lamb dish to go with the Golden DeLushious shot. She believes that from a catering standpoint people really want familiar food and thinks the boys are going to “go off on some crazy tangents”, therefore the girls are going to win…

…”Besides, pigs in a blanket go great with tequila.”…

I guess Bitter Jen didn’t get the whole “familiar food” memo, ‘cuz she’s planning on making an octopus dish (even though the octopus they have at Whole Paycheck is frozen). Still, she’s not worried, cuz if it doesn’t work out she’ll just make something else up on the fly. Our girl Jen may be a bitter bitch, but out of all the ladies I think she’s the one who really has the chops to pull off a ballsy move like that.

Over on Team Testosterone, Fat Kid’s deciding to do a terrific Thai-flavored tuna tartare to be married with the Moscow Mule because he insists the bride said she was “specifically interested in something like that”. I’m specifically interested in seeing him without 46 pounds of gel in his stupid spiky ‘do, I bet he looks a lot less assholish and more like a Muppet.

Meanwhile Gay Ashlee’s helping his team pick out flowers (*sigh* natch) and after putting some orchids in their basket Li’l Volt dickishly declares “Your job is to keep these alive until tomorrow, cuz I know nothing about flowers.” Ugh, HATE, and here’s why:

A.) Flowers will stay alive for an entire day after you buy them if you don’t do something boneheaded, such as store them in the oven or throw them under the bed… and
B.) Just like not all Black people can sing and dance (LaToya Jackson), and not all Asians are math-whizzes (Bai Ling), and not all Latinos do immaculate landscaping (Erik & Lyle Menendez), and not all Native Americans can do whatever the hell it is that everybody thinks all Native Americans can do (ummmmmm, Cher? Except is there anything Cher can’t do? OK, bad example.)… not all gay people are automatic florists!!… and
C.) Gay Ashlee immediately blows my Theory Of Stereotypicalsesness out of the water when he agrees with Li’l Volt, “It’s true… gay guys grow flowers better than straight guys.”…

…future flortestant on America’s Next Top Horticulturist…

Back at the kitchen, Biker Chick’s feeling all nervous and singled out, like if the ladies don’t win she’s going home for sure. Gaah, try not sucking and you won’t, sister-girl! How can someone who rams multiple metal pieces through random parts of their body be such a wuss all the time?

Checking in on DoucheTown, Li’l Volt’s telling us his whole goal in the competition is to beat Big Volt because he’s “already got his own restaurant” and has “already gotten” to where he wants to go with his career, and Li’l Volt hasn’t. Aaaaand apparently the only way left for Li’l Volt to achieve his dreams is not by hard work, drive and determination, but by winning a reality television competition. Asshat…

…”Nope. Still too awesome to look at you peons.”…

So his plan is to do a frozen version of the Golden Delicious shot with apples and a goat cheese cookie. “You have to figure out a way to connect yourself with the guest, and in this challenge that’s what I’m gonna do!”…

…in my mind this machine is a perfect metaphor for Li’l Volt…

Let’s flit on over to Planet Weird-O-Rama and see what WackEve is doing. Oh boy, she’s going with a shrimp ceviche to be paired with the tequila shot, and feels this will be a good choice because she has “a diploma in wine & spirits”. Maybe a margarita would go with a shrimp dish, but straight-up tequila? I’m dubious. And creeped out because she still looks so much like my mom.

Meanwhile, MaryMann is working on a watermelon carpaccio to go with the tequila as well. She’s really hoping for the women to rally together to win the challenge and perceptively points out that “a lot of the women are feeling outmatched by the men… they’re working with some ingredients that some of the women have never even seen.” Oh please, anybody can drench random food in liquid nitrogen and call it “sorbet”.

Papi Cholo’s decided to tackle the vegan dish, “I gonna bee mekeen a towfoo cebeechay widda tequila chot. Mai beegess consairn ees de braide an all hair gairlfren zay lige de towfoo, joo know, ees vayree deefeecull too maike tastee!” ¡Claro que si!, he’s got that right, I cannot stand that stuff, and I have tried it 8 zillion ways, my body just wants to reject it at every turn.

On the other prong of the Unhealthy Sibling Hatred Forkâ„¢ we have Big Volt, who is reeeeally burned that Li’l Volt beat him in the Quickfire and pocketed $15K, so he’s going with the tequila shot as well and making a “sweet & sour” meringue that’s going to be crispy-firm on the outside and will have a soft guacamole center. That actually sounds quite good, and it looks like he’s using a pastry bag to make them…

…they’re like little guacalonimbus clouds…

MaryMann has finished off her watermelon carpaccio bites and is kinda standing around the kitchen when she wonders aloud to Biker Chick if maybe she has enough time to do a second dish. Biker Chick’s all sure, why not, but Bitter Jen steps in to smartly suggest that they just keep it simple, do a single dish and execute it perfectly. However, MaryMann remembers the bachelor GluGreg saying that he wanted something sweet, so she decides to forge ahead anyways and whip up a bay leaf panna cotta. This wasn’t a half-bad idea right up until the point where MaryMann says “The thing that I’m most worried about is I’m not a pastry chef and so it’s a challenge….”

…”…and it would have been stupid to make something I was already familiar with!”…

I guess MaryMann must have missed the past, oh, 71 episodes of this show in which people routinely fuck up desserty things because they’re “not pastry chefs”. I think the ladies just lost. Naturally, they don’t think so because they’ve finished with a couple of minutes to spare and the guys are scrambling to get everything put away before the time runs out. They make it just barely (everybody’s helping Papi Cholo get his tofu shit put away) so there goes that theory.

Back at the McMansion, Not-So-Pretty seeks out MaryMann who’s made it clear that she’s really annoyed with the challenge and it’s implications for gays and lesbians, “I find it beyond comprehension making us go do, like, effectively a wedding challenge when at least three of us on that challenge aren’t allowed in that institution.” Not-So-Pretty agrees with her (kinda) as she says “Quite honestly, I feel kind of lame that I’m not more fired up about it, because I’ve been with my partner for 13 years.”

MaryMann continues that she knew with them being in Vegas it was inevitable that there would be some kind of wedding challenge, but she just can’t bring herself to feel good about it. Not-So-Pretty sort of echoes my own sentiments on the subject, “I understand why she’s pissed off, but this is the world we live in today.”…

…”…and honestly I haven’t worked out enough yet to look good in a tuxedo.”…

Here’s my thing with this: I, too, get why she’s upset, it’s a sore subject for many, but she’s acting like Top Chef is slamming gays and lesbians by “forcing” them to work on a “wedding challenge”. It’s not, it’s a bachelor / bachelorette party, which gay people are not prevented from having for themselves (and which we work at all the time… sorry ladies, but you know a lot of those strippers you hire are queens). And secondly, I guess she’s forgetting that in TC Season One the “wedding challenge” was for two guys getting married. In other words, shut up and bite the pillow on this one MaryMann, no one here is out to hold you down personally, so take your bitter bay leaf panna cottas elsewhere, Top Chef has proven their pro-gay creds already. Besides, anybody who wants to get everyone wasted quickly via multiple shots at their bachelor / bachelorette party seems cool by me.

The following day as the cheftestants arrive at the M Resort and make their way to the pool area, everyone is amazed at how lovely it all looks. Well, it should since it’s brand new, duh! They’ve got an hour to set everything up, and some of the boys are wearing these cute little Top Chef ball caps now!…

…”I feel so butch, girlfriend!”…

Because they’re out in the hot sun, Li’l Volt has decided the only way his frozen apple sorbet is going to work is if he makes it on demand for the guests. The heat is also concerning Not-So-Pretty and her ahi tuna dish, she really wants a cute garnish, so she’s putting down shiso leaves under the tuna bits. I’m sure they’ll stay crispy and fresh as they lay there in their ultraviolet heat bath.

Oh Gaad, WackEve’s back, and she’s “hyaving some ishyews weeith the lyack of flayverr yin the shryimp. The vinaigrette is nat penetryating iyt or affyecting iyt at aahl.” She’s getting flustered and at one point Bitter Jen has to remind her “Watch your knife, please!”…

…you better listen to her, I would bet she cuts back…

We haven’t heard much from Sexist Pigshit this episode, and as the men finish their prep he says they’re not worried at all, “We’re just waiting for the ladies to come out to experience prolly one of the best little hors d’Å“uvre plates she’s ever had.”…

…”Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom!”…

Sticky Wickett’s looking over at the mens’ table and pronounces their food to be “contrived” because there is a lot of fussy preparation and presentation going on. whereas the ladies have put forth “more familiar” food, which she believes is going to please the clients more. I don’t understand her attitude, you only get married once in a while (my dad is on his second, and my mom, her third) so why wouldn’t you want special things you can’t get every day? I still think the girls are going to loo-hoo-hoo-hooze.

Time’s up, the party starts, and as the female guests head towards the mens’ table and the guys head towards the womens’, MaryMann says even though she’s gay and it’s hard to do, she’s stepping back from her personal feelings and is going to do her best for the bride and groom, she’s happy they’ve found each other. Well, duh, finally.

Sattine’s telling us he thinks the girls are all “weeally hot” and that he’s so focused on his station that he doesn’t have the time to flirt with them at the moment, but he knows winning is important to gain immunity for all the guys. That’s a convenient excuse, Sattine…

…”Yayyy for oll zee pretty boys girls!”…

DrunKaren holds up the first shot (of what I’m sure will be many that afternoon) and proposes a toast, “To ME!!!” and then she giggles like she’s kidding, but you know she’s not. Oh look, here comes Gail and Scar with Daddy Tom and Tranny Todd. Gail’s back wearing another one of her hideous boat-necked wacky prints while Scar’s decked out in a weird sky-blue too-short CulotToga…

…I love the belt made out of cock-rings, though…

After introducing the judges, they start out with the ladies who paired food with the Golden Delicious shots, 80′s Hooker and Sticky Wickett are first…

And then they immediately move on to Las Mujeres Del Tequila, which includes WackEve and Bitter Jen…

Tranny Todd immediately says he did not like WackEve’s dish (Daddy Tom echoes “Not at all.”) and he goes on to say it tasted nasty and she didn’t cook the shrimp properly. Daddy Tom mentions that WackEve screwed a shrimp dish in the last challenge.

As for Bitter Jen and her frozen octopus ceveech, Daddy Tom thinks it could have used a touch more salt, but Gail thinks the acidic flavoring was perfect. They also agree that it paired well with the tequila shot. Meanwhile, It look like Bitter Jen’s dish is a hit with the crowd, too, some random gay guy says he’s going back for thirds and some random shirtless straight guy calls out to Jen that he “loves that octopussy… whooo!” Ew. Is that what the Octomom has? Blech.

Moving on to 80′s Hooker’s duck dish, Gail says the mole is “nice” and Tranny admits it’s hard to pair food directly with hard liquor. I guess he’s saying duck doesn’t go with Golden Delicious so much? I dunno, but then he says that Sticky Wickett’s lamb chop played well off of the spice in the shot, and Daddy Tom thinks she cooked them nicely, and I’m kinda having a hard time concentrating on anything he’s saying because I notice that his sunglasses are totally off-kilter on his face…

…is he drunk already?…

Round Two brings the judges to our protesting chefbian MaryMann and her two dishes that she paired with both the Tequila and the Moscow Mule…

Also paired with Moscow Mules are our not-so-protesting chefbian Not-So-Pretty and the not-so-confident Biker Chick…

Although, Biker Chick may be getting some of her groove back, because she says several of the men keep coming back for seconds and thirds of her lettuce warps. However, Tranny Todd says there’s “way too much going on” in it, and Gail notes that she listed about 15 ingredients when she described it for them, one of those ingredients being ginger beer (which is apparently part of the Moscow Mule) and Tranny says it still doesn’t make any sense when paired with the shot itself.

Also, Daddy Tom sounds kinda disgusted when he says Not-So-Pretty made “about as pedestrian a dish as you could make” with her crusty tuna. Gail notes the shiso leaf looks realy sad and wilted from having sat in the sun, and Tranny thinks the tuna has been over-cured. “It’s just not professionally done.” grumbles Daddy Tom. Have another shot, Daddy, maybe you’ll like it better.

As for MaryMann, Gail loves the watermelon carpaccio and thinks it’s flavors work well together, but immediately points out that her bay leaf panna cotta didn’t have time to set, and as she tries some Scar looks disgusted and complains “Oooh, there’s a bitterness!”…

…Gail’s appetite isn’t helped by the sight of Scar’s exposed hoo-hah, so she decides to concentrate on looking at Scar’s moustache instead…

Daddy Tom thinks it’s a shame that MaryMann did two dishes because while the first one was really great, the second one sucked mule balls. This once again proves the theory of “Why Non-Pastry Chefs Should Either Learn The Art Or Leave That Shit Alone”.

It’s time to check in with the guys and see how they compare to our ladies, and they also begin with the boys who paired with Golden Delicious shots, Li’l Volt and DirtyBear…

The judges start with DirtyBear’s chilled almond soup, and Scar proclaims it “lovely”, Tranny says it’s delicious, and Daddy Tom thinks it’s well-balanced, but wishes it had been colder. As for Li’l Volt’s goaty cookie, Scar also slurs that it’s delissshuss and Daddy Tom says that while DirtyBear’s dish was a good combination with the shot, Li’l Volt’s dish is an excellent one. I’m calling bullshit on that one, because Li’l Volt pretty much said he was making the same stuff that was in the Golden Delicious shot into a chilled sorbet form, so of course it’s going to pair well, it’s apples to apples!

Moving on to the men’s Tequila shots we have Sexist Pigshit, Big Volt, Island Man Ron and Papi Cholo…

Tranny thinks Papi Cholo’s concept of “tofu ceviche” is interesting and says he did a great job with the flavors. Gail agrees, as does DrunKaren’s pinched-and-pasty-looking Vegan friend Irma. Unfortunately Island Man Ron’s lobster dish gets hammered for having no salt and no flavor, Tranny thinks Ron falsely advertised when he said there was habanero in the dish, cuz he’s not tasting it. LOL, they immediately cut to DrunKaren telling Island Man that the dish has the “perfect amount of spice!”

Ahhhh, music to my ears, they hate Sexist Pigshit’s arctic char, Tranny Todd says it was flabby and flat, and Daddy Tom thinks it’s one of the few dishes “that doesn’t work at all with tequila!” However, Big Volt’s meringue play on chips and guacamole gets an orgasmic groan from Gail while Daddy Tom says he really liked it a lot. Tranny notes how difficult it is to prepare a good meringue and Gail says “This very well could be a brothers head-to-head cookoff!” Gahd, I hope not.

…Wow, I had no idea Daddy Tom had such pasty spindly legs! Don’t wear shorts anymore, Daddy, you’re ruining my fantasies…

Bringing up the rear today with the Moscow Mule shots are Fat Kid, Sattine and Gay Ashlee…

Starting out with Fat Kid’s Triple-T tartare, Tranny thinks it makes sense because it has enough ginger in it to match the shot and Gail thinks it’s seasoned really well. Moving along to Sattine’s dish, Scar says (with her mouth full) that it’s “not a good croquette” and has another shot to remove the taste from her mouth. That makes number 16. Gail also says that the bouillabaisse paired with the rum from the shot is very “off” for her. FInally scoring one for Team Rainbow is our Gay Ashlee, because Tranny says the chicken wing makes sense and that he could eat them all day while drinking those shots all day.

Meanwhile, over at Team Losers Ladies, Sticky Wickett says they happened to glance over at the men’s side and saw Fat Kid with his chef’s coat unbuttoned, and before they know it several of the others (including Sattine, Island Man Ron and DirtyBear) have shucked their coats and are jumping into the pool…

…Wow, who knew Island Man Ron had such an impressive rack?…

Of course, Sticky says the women were all shocked by this and asks “Who would you rather see in wet clothes… girls? Or fat boys?”…

…In this group?!? I”ll take the fat boys every time…

Gay Ashlee’s pretending to be all embarrassed for them, too, but I think he might have a bit of a crush going on Sattine, who’s actually pretty trim and fit. I dunno if I’d have appreciated a bunch of sweaty chefs jumping in the pool at my bachelor party but if they all looked like DirtyBear and Fat Kid I guess I’d be cool with it.

Since we’ve been spared the sight of Sexist Pigshit for the majority of this episode, the producers decided to devote tonight’s “Useless Things You Never Wanted To Know About These People” to him. It turns out that he likes to give people nicknames! Wow, so he and I have something in common besides penises. So what kind of awesomely funny nicknames does he come up with for his fellow cheftestants? Well, he calls Fat Kid and DirtyBear “The Pickle Brothers” because “they love each other and they praise each other” and so he thought “You guys are just like two pickles in some brine…” Mmm’kayyy, and he calls WackEve “The Ninja” because she tells him she has ninja-like skills “but she like, walks into walls and stuff like that.” And for Biker Chick, he came up with the awesomely apt “Pancakes”…

…Perhaps Sexist Pigshit doesn’t have any depth perception?…

I wish I had a “Meat Is Neat” T-shirt, though. Of course, he saves his best for last: “Then you got Purty, or Pritty, or whatever, I can’t even say her name, so I just call her Purty.” Okay, Gasmii, do you think I should switch out Fat Kid, DirtyBear, WackEve, Biker Chick and Not-So-Pretty for “The Pickle Brothers”, “The Ninja”, “Pancakes” and “Purty”? Nah, I think Sexist Pigshit should stick to cooking and leave the nicknames to me.

Back at the Stew Room, Scar pays a visit and asks to see Big Volt, Fat Kid, Papi Cholo and Li’l Volt! Surprise! The men won. They do not appear shocked, either, and it’s high-fives all around.

Starting with Fat Kid, Gail says she can’t count how many tuna tartares she’s eaten in the last 15 years of her life (but we sure can based on her ever-increasing dress-sizes) and normally they don’t excite her, but Fat Kid’s seasonings excited her. Tranny also mentions the ginger connection between the dish and the shot. Moving on to Li’l Volt, Tranny Todd says he knocked it out of the park with his sorbet, and Daddy Tom says the whole dish from concept to execution was just great. Papi Cholo gets apropiados from Tranny for making a dish that would change people’s minds about tofu, and Daddy Tom says “I just love the fact that you had the huevos to make that dish!” and starts giggling…

…”Heheh, I just said “balls” in Spanish!”…

Papi’s used to gringos que intenta hablar la lengua so he just laughs goodnaturedly. Lastly, Gail tells Big Volt she loved the texture of the macaroon and the way it melted in her mouth (not in her hands!) and Tranny says it was a “whimsical and fun” play on chips and guacamole and margaritas. As to who won, Tranny gets to do the honors, and says it was indeed between the two brothers… and tonight’s winner is…. BIG VOLT!!!

…looks like Li’l Volt (and his giant Roman nose) is pissed…

Big Volt feels somewhat redeemed after being in the bottom of two consecutive Quickfire challenges, and Li’l Volt is insisting he’s happy to see his brother win but goes on to declare “I will beat Bryan next time!” And annoy us all in the process, I’m sure.

Fat Kid gleefully bounces back into the Stew Room to call out the Loser Ladies for tonight, which include WackEve, Biker Chick, Not-So-Pretty and MaryMann. Starting off with Biker Chick, Scar says the lettuce wrap was really watery and Biker says that was prolly cuz she added ginger beer to it. Daddy Tom asks if she put any actual ginger in the dish, and she says no, because she didn’t want it to have such a strong flavor since the shot was already gingery enough. This puzzles Daddy Tom (and me, too) because the two statements kind of cancel each other out (why put ginger beer in it if she didn’t want it to be gingery like the shot?). Faced with the evidence of her off-the-cuff contradictions, Biker Chick does what I might do in the same situation…

…she cries…

Of course, maybe someone just told her about Sexist Pigshit’s stupid nickname for her, and that’s what set her off.

Daddy Tom asks WackEve how she felt her shrimp tasted, and she admits she “didn’t love” their flavor. Daddy’s getting pissed, “You knew the shrimp didn’t have flavor, so why didn’t you try to do something about it?” She insists she did, and likens it to cooking pasta without enough salt, once it’s cooked it’s hard to get flavor into it. Daddy rolls his eyes and just says “Okay…”

…“…ya wingnut.”…

Moving on, Scar asks her homegirl Not-So-Pretty if she was happy with the way her tuna dish turned out, and she insists she was, calling it a “crowd pleaser” and telling them how people kept coming back for seconds and thirds. Daddy Tom asks how long she marinated it, and she admits it was overnight. No wonder it tasted overcured.

Lastly, MaryMann is asked by Scar why she chose to make a second dish, and she’s trying to take the heat off herself by turning it a group decision and saying “We definitely had the time and we definitely had the money and, you know, we just decided to go with it!” She must be using “the Royal we” in this case, ‘cuz other than a half-hearted “ok” from Biker Chick, I don’t remember seeing her discuss it with anyone else. Scar wants to know why she didn’t just do one amazing dish, and MaryMann doesn’t have an answer for that. Tranny says she did do an amazing dish with her watermelon carpaccio and she should have stuck with just that. Exactly as Bitter Jen predicted.

After the final discussions, they bring the Queens of Broken Dreams back in, and the one leaving tonight is… WackEve. And my heart is breaking just a little bit for her, because she’s clearly clueless and I would have enjoyed seeing what kind of loopy things she would have come up with further along the line in this competition. And she looks like my mom…

…circa 1957…

Eve doesn’t seem to be too unhappy, though, “So, I realaize I’m nat gonna bee nyamed the Tap Chef yand it doesn’t chyange how I fyeel abyout mysyelf or my cookying. I din’t fyeel lyike mysyelf in thyis syetting.” That’s true, it is hard to fit in on Earth sometimes, even for some of us Earthlings. *sigh* I’m gonna miss you, girl. *snif*

And there we are for another week! What did you think of this episode? Do you think the girls are coming off as not-as-talented as the boys this season? Or are the boys just more cocky and arrogant than the girls? Did MaryMann really have a reason to be pissed, or should she have just shut her yap?

Oooh, I almost forgot, I just happened to have a chance to get my picture taken with Bok Choi!!!…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!…

Just a small reminder, next week’s recap is going to be a few days late because of my impending vacation with the BF to the annual Convergence of Big Fat Gay Menz in Las Vegas, but I will be busting ass when I get back. There may be pictures.

love, J-Mo