Top Chef: Community Calling

This week on Top Chef, an old lady wets herself, Hosea reinvents butter, and that weird kid from Jerry Maguire grows up and names a restaurant after a can of oil.

Did you know that the sky is blue cuz it reflects the sea?

Previously, Hosea was jealous of Stefan’s winning Ripert over with his eel peel and Turtle got sent on a veeeery slow trek back to the San Fran Zoo. We start off this week with Hosea, Stefan and Fabio talking on the balcony in t-shirts with way too much print on them. It’s annoying because I press pause to read them and then they say stupid shit like this.

Just look to your left.

Stefan is really romantic about Turtle’s departure, saying he’s glad she got her stout ass sent home because she sucked hard last week and deserved it and now he has one less dude to compete with. He acts all tough but you know he would have squealed like a pig had Turtle ever pulled out her bag o tricks and pounded him like he’d been wanting.

Possible Stalker Leah tells us that she became a chef because she failed out of college and got a job in some restaurant where no one expected her to string together coherent sentences in English. I’ll bet she was passed around that first kitchen like a cold. She says that winning Top Chef would be validation of her talent. LOL sorry not gonna happen. Try Community.

Beaker tries to psyche Stefan up into believing in himself in the living room. Yeah, you’re sweet, but I don’t think self doubt is Stefan’s problem. He misses Turtle. Beaker tells us that she used to be a model and started buying cookbooks and eventually decided to be a chef. Uh….I love Beaker so before I diss her and ask what country she was a model in…

HAWT

…I’ll do a Google search. She was telling the truth after all! Model on, sister!

Beaker says that she is here to inspire women to start following their dreams no matter how late it is in life. You’re gonna inspire a lot of women who should never be models to show up at modeling agencies everywhere, is what you’re gonna do. And I’m all for it!

I’m here to see Mr. Wilhelmina, please.

When they get to the Could Burn Down At Any Second Kitchen, Scar is waiting with Jonathan Lipnicki from Jerry Maguire, who is all grown up now and owns a restaurant called WD-50. Worst restaurant name ever. Well, it could be worse. WD-40 was already trademarked. That place is probably filled with customers who just want to get their creaky doors fixed.

D’you know that the human head weighs 8 pounds?

Lipnicki is all about molecular gastronomy these days. Scar awkwardly says “so, Lipnicki, you’re pretty famous for your obsession with eggs” and he’s all “did you know that a fresh egg will sink in water but a stale one will not?” and she’s all “uhhh…..” He goes on to tell the chefs that he is, in fact, obsessed with eggs and thinks that a good chef should be able to make good eggs. An egg challenge! NO FAIR! Gail Simmons has to come back for this one just to bring her old moldy “BURT CHARRED RUBBERY” monologue out of the attic. Gail, wherever you are, we love you.

Fabio is desperate for a win because he hasn’t had one yet, so he goes the Prettyish route and decides to make a three component dish. He’s gonna start with some molecular gastro egg yolk in a vat of chemicals creation, then move on to a dessert that representa da egg, and finally he’s gonna make soup and put it in an egg shell. That idea went over well when Stefan used it a few weeks ago. Stealing from an egg head on an egg challenge. Wrong. In case he fails, he has a plan B.

I weela bryba da Scar and offer heer a line of dees offa my bonabon.

Hosea wants to do a take on Japanese food and decides to make a sushi roll but use a thin layer of egg white instead of seaweed and rice. He’s wrapping this around asparagus and salmon. Cold egg and asparagus. Sounds delicious. He’s also going to add a tempura fried egg. I think he said something else but I couldn’t stop flinching every time they showed his big gross sweaty head.

Possible Stalker Leah’s Eye View

Leah says it’s super important to know molecular gastronomy cuz it’s new and cutting edge (or was like five seasons ago at least. How long does food stay in fashion? Anyone?), but it looks like she’s frying up a pan of ham so who knows what the hell’s up with her. Stefan tells us that he knows that he’s a great chef and then adds that he’s a great chef. Just in case you were wondering what he thinks of himself. He’s making a panna cotta with mango puree inside so when you cut it open yellow comes out like an egg. He’s also making a bernaise. The only one more confused by this challenge than me is Beaker, who admits up front that she doesn’t know wtf to do, so she’s coming up with something “clever”. Green eggs and ham. Head slap. She said clever, not original. Sam made it in Season 2 on the beach. And it was hideous. I hope Beaker at least improves on that version.

Time starts winding down and everyone runs around. Fabio says he is running so fast he is “like Fletch.” Chevy Chase Fletch? Man, the Blockbuster in Italy has some deep shit. Hosea takes time away from his egg white and asparagus brilliance to tell us that Beaker is too simple and there’s no way Lipnicki is gonna like her green egg. Wipe your head, k? Beaker knows she’s moving slowly, but she wants to get everything right. “I’m the tortoise in this challenge.” That tugged at my heart strings. It’s just not the same without Turtle moping around and muttering about how everyone sucks. Scar and Lipnicki are back and time is called. Stefan’s up first. His work looks fantastic, as usual.

Lipnicki thinks his work is very clever and he only has one question. “Did you know that dogs and bees smell fear?” Stefan does. He’s so gonna win. Leah’s next. She did a quail egg in potato with caviar and brioche with the egg and hollandaise. So another eggs benedict. Still, for Leah, this is top notch.

Lipnicki calls it nice. Dramatic oh shit we’re all gonna die music starts playing when they get to Beaker, but Scar calls her dish “very pretty” and Lipnicki agrees and appreciates that it’s not too spicy. Go Beak! He asks her “did you know that Muppets are a combination of ‘marionette’ and ‘puppet’?” Beak is too thrown off by that to answer.

Sam just got schooled.

Lipnicki calls Hosea’s sheet of egg white “neat”. When he sees Hosea’s tribute to his own giant head, Lip pauses, speechless. Then he asks “did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?” and all the chefs answer “YES!” in unison.

Fabio opens up with “I am no good ayt brakefast!” Smooth. Then he shows off the tackiest looking dish of the season. Seriously. that column? Where did he even find that shit? Hilarious. All it’s missing is a fake crystal chandelier and a faux finished wall in the background.

Come over to mya house!

In case you’re wondering, it’s a quail egg with a buckwheat pancake and coconut milk panna cotta with mango puree. Didn’t Stefan just use mango and panna cotta? Come on dude think for your damn self. Lipnkicki asks “do you know my neighbor has three rabbits?” Fabio just smiles big like it’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to him. Lipnicki calls Fabio out on the bottom for not showcasing the egg, and he wasn’t so into Hosea’s work either because it didn’t flow. He didn’t like Leah’s quail egg/potato either. He did like that Beaker used humor in her cooking and says it’s clear to him that Stefan is very strong and has “expert” preparation. And Beak wins!!!! SWEET!!! The only one not to try to kiss his ass with molecular gastronomy. Love it! He said that he appreciated that she made one simple dish instead of trying to shove a whole bunch of crap on the plate like everyone else. Stefan takes it really well. Well, he rolls his eyes and looks like he’s gonna barf, but he doesn’t yell or throw anything so that was sweet.

They pick knives for the Elimination Challenge. Fabio goes first and his knife says Lidia Bastianich, who he calls the queen of Italian cooking. He high fives himself and starts mapping out today’s ravioli. Hosea chooses Susan Lingaro, and has trouble pronouncing her name. He tells us that she’s the president of the James Beard Foundation, which gives out what is described as “the Oscars of the Food World.” That must be a short ceremony. How many times can you say “The winner is…Big Mac!” before everyone just gets bored and goes home? Stefan picks Marcus Samuelsson, Leah gets Lipnicki, and Beaker chooses Jaques Pepin.

That name funny.

The final challenge in New York will be too cook “the last meal” for their culinary master. That’s really morbid. Especially if they’re all really old. Beaker is assigned roasted squab with fresh peas. Snottiest last meal ever. Get me a frozen Milky Way and a 2 Liter of Diet Coke and just let me cry alone in the dark, k? Hosea is assigned shrimp scampi with tomatoes provencal. He starts jumping up and down yelling “potatoes! I win!” and Scar has to break it to him. Tomatoes, you douche.

I don’t get paid enough for this shit.

Stefan is assigned roasted salmon and spinach. Fabio gets roasted chicken with roasted potatoes and a leafy salad. What the f? These are some of the simplest dishes ever. I guess that’s the point. There has to be a twist to this, cuz there’s no way this show is going to take forty five minutes to roast a couple birds and a salmon filet. And shrimp scampi? One time in the late eighties my dad ordered shrimp scampi at Red Lobster and my mom goes “that’s soooo done.” Yeah. Cuz my mom can even be a snob in a Red Lobster. I think I just told you too much about myself.

Cheeken donna even rhyme weed raviolis. Puta chinga mascarpone!

Lipnicki asks for eggs benedict. LOL. What a freak. Beaker is allowed to switch her chef because she won, but she keeps Pepin because he’s French and he asked for peas, which makes them soul mates somehow. Also, Juanita the spirit guide whispers that she heard the chef has a big one.

Hootie…oh hayell no get that thing away from me! I’m a model!

Scar is explaining they have three hundred dollars for their five course meal and the girl is whispering. She’s been on her feet too long and can’t even talk anymore. Poor Scar. She has a really tough job.

Just buy some shit and cook it up, k? I’m tired.

During the little between commercial snippet, we see a clip of the remaining chefs going to check out Harold’s restaurant. He comes out and reminds us why he’ll never be on TV again.

We done here? Cuz I got a chop on the grill.

It’s so rare to see someone not obsessed with being on TV on a reality show. I would say it’s refreshing, but the second they showed his face I blacked out and it’s two hours later and I’m pissed that boring ass Harold got me off schedule. Over at Whole Foods, Ronda the spirit guide makes a joke that Beaker and Pepin are two peas in a pod. Beaker cracks up.

That’s funny! Cuz I have to make peas!

Juanita? Less amused.

Fabio is way confident. He says that Scar may as well have handed him a banner “that say hallo! Anna weelkome to da final!” He sees Stefan wandering around the aisles and says “hallo! My frane! What are you do in New a Yorka?” He cracks me up. I hope his mediocre cooking doesn’t get him eliminated today, cuz I need the giggles. Hosea tells us again that he really wants to beat Stefan. “It doesn’t matter how good of a cook you are…” you better hope not “…., make one mistake and you’re out.” I could type all the mistakes Hosea has made on his substandard path to semi stardom, but Stefan saves me the time by putting it as simply as possible: “you could chop off my arms and legs and I would still run circles around that guy. He doesn’t have the balls to be a chef. That’s it.” Well said. Leah gets challah bread for her eggs benedict, saying that she wants to put her own spin on it. Yay she’s going home. All Lipnicki wants is an egg and an english muffin, woman. Have you not been listening?

Beaker listened. Back at the kitchen, she says “I’m just putting squab and peas on a plate.” LOL. That’s what he asked for, that’s what he’s getting. Leah? Like really likes like eggs cuz she’ll like eat eggs all day long? So she’s gonna prove herself with her like eggs cuz she sucked ass in the last challenge? That’s almost a direct quote. Community.

Stefan says there’s no way he can f up a salmon fillet, which worries me. That’s always when people fall. Hosea decides to add a butter sauce to the shrimp because it’s non traditional. He’s not sure whether they’re supposed to put their own spins on their dishes or not because Scar didn’t say. My guess is at this point, the judges need to make sure that some of these yokels can at least cook a piece of meat. You can hardly blame them with the way a lot of this season has gone so far. Will the judges think Hosea’s melted butter is brilliant, or just melted butter? Either way, wow. Way to think outside the box, Hosea. Melted butter. Staggering. Meanwhile, Leah’s wasting time taking care of personal business.

Now’s not the time to clean your diaphragm, skank.

Then, we don’t see how, Fabio breaks his pinky finger. Ouch. The medic asks him if he wants to go to the hospital and he says no way, he’ll cut it off first and sear the stump so it won’t bleed tomorrow. HAHAH.

D.) Dominos

And why isn’t Stefan on this list?

I predict this is how Fabio will compensate for his injury.

Beaker and the guides try to pump Fabio up by yelling that he can do it and calling him Rocky, but Fabio thinks they’re referring to the squirrel on the Bullwinkle cartoons and just gets down on himself. He tries to peel his potatoes and veggies but can’t hold onto anything, so he makes fingerless rubber Madonna gloves and yells “Madonna!” I thought only gay guys begged for help from her. He says “I get so many keek een my assa dat I go to da bathroom and steel pool chooz oudda my assa.” LOL.

Beaker sees that Stefan is messing around with his recipe to give his chef spinach two ways and she doesn’t approve. Why would you ask someone what they wanted to eat before they die and then bring them something else? Because you can’t always get what you want and that’s life. See ya in hell sucka. Fabio tells us that he wouldn’t want his last meal cooked by a reality show contestant, he would want his last meal cooked by his grandma. You know, the one who used to force him into line cook child labor when he misbehaved. She only made you whip butter because she loved you. Poor Fabio. Just talking about grandma “geeve me goosebumble.”

Daddy Tom comes into the kitchen wearing a suit! Well howdy, Daddy! He doesn’t bother giving any advice. Instead, he just says “don’t embarrass me.” The judges sit with the guest judges. And yes they’re old. I only mention that to explain the three inches of vaseline on the lens. It’s like the RuPaul show.

Vaseline: The Great Equalizer

Tom tells us that the chefs have a chance to make these dishes “special” and elevate them to the next level. I think that means he wants them to change stuff up, but he will flip flop until the very end, you know he will.

Leah’s eggs benedict is out first. She served a plain jane salad on the side just because there is so much fat in the main dish. What chef cares about fat? No good one, that’s for damn sure. Sho nuff, Lipnicki says that he wouldn’t bother with a salad on his last meal and adds that the egg whites are too watery but the bacon is good. Pepin says something in a really thick accent and I can’t tell for the life of me what it is. He does wipe his mouth a lot, which I wish he would teach people who eat at Luby’s how to do. Cuz old people with food running down their chins is gross. Toby says he likes his egg whites runny, and Lipnicki shakes his head, disappointedly. “Did you know that in 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world’s nuclear weapons combined?” Toby makes angry man baby face and ignores him, saying that overall Leah’s dish was decent. He is completely out of fake witticisms, and I am forever grateful.

Stefan tastes his food and thinks he is gonna win. Fabio tells us it doesn’t matter how many challenges you win. If you mess up once you’re out. Well we all know that’s not true cuz here you are when you should have been sent packing two weeks ago. His chef thinks the salmon is overcooked, and Lipnicki says his was “horribly overcooked”, and Lidia takes it further and says that if this fish was served to one of her clients it would be sent back. It ruined the whole dish. OUCH. Oh man. Leah’s gonna beat Stefan? HAH. Well I never woulda guessed that. Pepin likes the dill sauce and also compliments the well seasoned fish, but overall this one was a massive fail.

Hosea comes out to present his dish and gives a rousing speech. “It’s a huge honor to be here. It’s like I open up the history of modern culinary in America.” Idiot. He closes with “I’m not trying to kiss butt.”

Don’t speak.

That shrimp looks like cold dead grey Pepin fingers grabbing his cane for dear life.

Are you making fun of me?

Pepin says the tomato is all wrong and if he wanted to eat his fingers he would have stayed home. Toby no likey, Lidia no likey…Tom tries to justify it by saying that they should judge Hosea on his version of the dish instead of the one they expected. Problem is his version sucks, Tom. And since when does Tom rescue? He must be as worried about a Leah finale as we are.

Fabio is having major trouble with the chicken. He says with his broken finger that he’s “bootchering da cheeken like Jazone from Friday da Tirteen.” Lidia is giggly and charmed by his accent. It’s cute. And gross.

I feel sorry for the PA who has to clean that seat when this is all over.

Yikes. It’s all one color and the salad looks like it was bought in a bag and slopped into the bowl. Pepin toasts to Lidia’s last meal and she says she’s happy that she got to be with such great company and also thankful to cum one last time before she dies. Lipnicki says the chicken is awesome and it’s the first dish they had that channeled the chef who asked for the meal and if he had to criticize anything it would be the lame airplane salad. Lidia has nothing but praise. And a juicy chair.

Beaker’s in a time crunch and worries that she cut her squab and shoved it under a heat lamp too early. Her peas are inside a tear drop. I hope that’s not a sign.

Lidia calls it classic but a couple of the chefs think the duck is overdone. Tom comes to her defense and says the younger generation likes their duck rarer and older people like it more well done. Is that true? Darn kids and their rare duck! Pepin says he will die happy. I think that’s good right? Tom gives them all props and excuses them. The guest judges get up to leave. Well all except Lidia, who’s embarrassed. On his way out, Lipnicki asks her “did you know the most dangerous animal in the world is the common housefly?” Lidia just sits there awkwardly and takes Tom’s napkin from his spot.

In the holding tank, Leah says she just doesn’t know what she would have done if her finger broke. Fabio says “it’s Top Chef, not Top Poosie”. LOL. Scar comes back and tells them all to follow her. Dang, headlights! Leave it up to Scar to put her nipples on display when she knows she’s gonna be having dinner with old smelly rich guys.

Stop staring at me.

Stefan totally looks at her nips, which is hilarious. Juanita does a coughwhorecough and Beaker squeezes her neck.

Inside voice!

Pepin is the only guest judge to come back to judges’ table and he starts with Leah, telling her that he liked the texture of her eggs but they needed more cooking and the hollandaise was too thin. She says she thinned it out, thinking it was too thick. Scar says she thinned out the flavor. Pepin says there was good stuff there but her technique was off. Come on, Leah, you got to make the same thing twice in an episode and you still boned it. Lame.

Tom tells Stefan that the judges unanimously agreed that his salmon was overcooked. Cymbal crash.

Not how I pictured this moment. Can I see those nipples again?

Scar said his spinach two ways was just the exact same spinach. Toby wanted crispier potatoes. They all give Hosea props for his shrimp. Pepin disses the tomatoes, though. Hosea says he didn’t want to put out anything ugly and Pepin says, I think “you shouldn’t wait for taste.” WTF is he talking about? I need a transcript. This is why nothing gets done at the UN. Too many people blathering on nonsensically. Scar tells Fabio that his chicken was delicious and Toby piles on more praise. Pepin says some kinda crap I don’t get and Tom brings up that nasty salad. Scar says it was called airplane salad and Fabio promises to shoot himself when he gets back to the kitchen. HA.

Beak’s next. She admits up front that the squab was overcooked. Pepin says, as a compliment, that if you were blind it would have tasted perfect, it just looked overcooked. He loved it, and her fresh peas. So it’s not obvious who’s going. Stefan? I’m actually nervous. They are excused. In private time, Scar says it’s between the two bird dishes for the win. Tom agrees. Toby adds that the salad was shit and Tom sticks up for his broken finger. Tom’s really nice today.

Pepin says that Beaker’s peas and Fabio’s potatoes were the two best things he tasted all night. Tom wishes that the peas were used more creatively in the dish. Now for the bad stuff. Scar kinda angrily reminds everyone that the salmon was overcooked, but Tom says that even so, it was well seasoned and the garnishes were good. Daddy says that the bigger problem is Leah’s thin hollandaise and runny egg white. Toby gives her props for not overwhelming the egg with too strong a sauce. Tom looks straight ahead while he talks and blinks funny. I think he hates Toby’s guts, which makes me love Daddy even more.

He’s picturing Gail running through a field of flowers in a really poorly tailored dress right now.

Toby’s least favorite was Hosea’s because it was dull and had no impact. Tom says that’s the reason it didn’t win but it doesn’t deserve to lose for that. The chefs are called back in it. Tom gives them all props for not sucking, and Fabio wins!! He gets a bottle of wine and a three day two night trip to the vineyard where it was made. Fabio totally thinks he deserves it and isn’t humble at all. Somehow with him and Stefan, that attitude doesn’t bother me. I’m just glad he proved himself to be more than a cute accent and nice ass just once before the finals, cuz it was getting scary. Beaker is given props for her perfect peas and excused as well. She tells us the tortoise story again, but Juanita gets bored and breaks into Josh Grobin’s “You Lift Me Up.”

Leah’s sauce was thin and her egg was undercooked, Stefan’s fish was overcooked, and Hosea went too far out of the box with his scampi. In the end, Leah’s sent home!!! YESSSSSS!!!! Thank God! I totally thought it was gonna be Stefan. Leah is big about it, and when Hosea hugs her and tells her goodbye, she reminds him that she’s already rented an apartment across the street and if she even sees him look at Beaker she’ll take his ass out with a sniper rifle.

I would have bought you a card, but, well….