Top Chef: Danger – Deconstruction Zone Ahead

Hey hey hey, what’s up people? I may have spoken about my brush with the culinary world before. I don’t like to talk about it much, because I don’t want people to think I’m trying to be all grand or pretentious. However, I can say that I was a chef for about 11 months at one of the world’s best-known restaurants, making some of the most famous and popular dishes of all time, such as Big Macsâ„¢ and Quarter Poundersâ„¢ and lemme tell y’all bitches, I was goood. I handled the entire New Year’s Eve Dinner Rush of ’88 all on my own… well, OK, there was another kid named Robert who was supposed to be working the grill with me, but he was literally semi-retarded and kept wandering off to the walk-in fridge to stuff cheese-wrapped McNuggets in his mouth so I wound up working both grills by myself for most of that evening while he made smiley-faces out of pickles on my prep-table and giggled and farted a lot…

…and this is how much I was paid per hour…

Yeah, that’s not a lot of compensation for having to put up with Mr. NuggetChomper McPicklefart all night. Eventually Robert had an “accident” and had to go home. Anyhow on tonight’s episode of Top Chef it’s going to be all about the “deconstruction” of food, which I never realized I actually had experience with, because during my tenure at Mickey-D’s we were still making the fabulous McD.L.T. that is pictured above! For you kids out there under 30 who might have missed out on it, this was a sammich where they kept the sizzlin’-hot meat patty away from the ice-cold lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion, cheese and mayo portion of the burger by means of a bulky (and highly environmentally unfriendly) styrofoam package, and the customer was responsible for putting the two sides together (which would never fly these days, people are too fucking lazy to put their own hamburger together… hell, they’ve barely got the energy to waddle up to the counter and order the damned things! Or maybe that’s just me). Anyhow, after the jump, we’ll get to see 80′s Hooker annoying the shit out of everyone, Sexist Pigshit becoming more and more hostile, and Fat Kid making snide comments about people with terminal illnesses…After we get to relive Daddy Tom spitting out Sattine’s food and our fey Frenchman getting le kiquéd a le curbe we open on a rather somber atmosphere in the Chef’s McMansion…

…Ahhh, poor Sattine. *snif* Je vous verrai aux carrefours…

Next, we get to hear Sexist Pigshit saying how much everyone loved them some Sattine, and so he decided to go into Sattine’s closet and pull out his French Maid costume pile of little red neck scarves, and so today all of the cheftestants are going to “wear his colors” and “represent” for him. Yeeeah, bwoyee! That may be the first time in years that an American has said that about someone from France. It’s especially amazing coming from a wanksta like Sexist Pigshit. White people are funny.

Of course, once again, he’s complaining that Sattine was a better cook than some of the people that are still in the competition, namely 80′s Hooker. He doesn’t sugarcoat it, either, “She can’t cook for shit.” Speaking of 80′s Hooker, she’s yammering a bunch of crazy shit to her roommates Sticky Wickett and Bitter Jen (some kind of wacky story about her childhood neighbors and the way they used to collect rattlesnakes) and I dunno if she’s got a mild case of Asperger’s Syndrome or what, but they’re clearly annoyed with her constant yappy-yap-yapping and are not bothering to hide their annoyance in their faces…

…these expressions may be non-verbal, but I’d say they’re at full volume nonetheless…

And somehow she still keeps babbling at them like they want to hear the fascinating story of Robin As A Childâ„¢. Bitter Jen thinks 80′s Hooker has been lucky and that the other cheftestants are “getting fed up with it.” Ah, but maybe 80′s is more perceptive than I gave her credit for, “The general concensus is I should have been the one that was gone.” Mmkay, but then she heads right back over into Deludedville when she insists she’s proud of the “simple food” she’s put forth, and believes that that in and of itself sets her apart from the others. Well, in a way she’s right: no one else has set about trying to poison the judges.

Things are getting tense, though, and you can clearly see that as they’re preparing to leave the McMansion for the 2 hour drive to the “M” Resort and Casino. Everyone’s wearing their Sattine-scarves except her, and since no-one bothered to give her one, 80′s Hooker is forced to go up to Sexist Pigshit and ask him for one. He’s not even bothering to hide his utter disgust for her, and won’t even look at her as he hands her one…

…wow, another full volume non-verbal expression!…

I’m kinda shocked he didn’t try to strangle her with it. In any case, once they arrive at the “M” and walk into the Top Chef Kitchen and Scar sees they’re all wearing their red scarves she actually breaks character and cracks up…

…which is nice to see now and then…

Standing next to her is today’s guest judge, James Beard Award Winner Michelle Bernstein, who’s been on this show before, and has even beaten Bobby Flay in an Iron Chef America challenge. DirtyBear says that Bernie there has eaten at his restaurant in Atlanta before, and he knows she likes “clean and simple food”. I’ll bet she likes “clean and trimmed facial hair”, too. Just sayin’.

Meanwhile Scar’s telling us that Vegas is the land of temptation (and venereal diseases, don’t forget our little microscopic pet friends) and that there’s a constant battle going on between the angel on your left shoulder and the devil on your right. Oooh, that is so true. Unfortunately for me, my angel is thin and pasty and wears skinny jeans and eyeliner and whines like Christian Siriano, saying “fierce hot tranny mess girlfriend snap snap head roll” a lot and annoys the fuck out of me, while my devil is big and beefy and wears booty shorts and not much else and says dirty things in the deep dulcet masculine tones of John Goodman while flashing his big dick at me and guess who I wind up hanging out with a helluva lot more?

Well, for today’s Quickfire Challenge, they’re going to be asked to make a duo of dishes that represents their personal battles as a chef between good and evil, “Like the battle between being healthy and clogging your diner’s arteries.” Scar intones darkly. Or, you know, like the battle between marrying for love and marrying a super-rich author old enough to be your daddy. Anyhow, they get one hour, and the winner will get immunity in the Elimination Challenge.

Because he is a moron and clearly (if subconsciously) wants to go home, Gay Ashlee decides he’s going to ignore the Lesson Of The Ice-Cream Makerâ„¢ and attempt to produce a duo of custards. In a Quickfire. “I’m taking a pretty big risk, but if I execute it perfectly I know that I’d win a Quickfire with two custards!”…

…and it’s just perfect that he’s making this face, cuz I think he’s about to blow it…

Fat Kid, on the other hand, is hearkening back to last season’s theme of Top Scaylope by making scallops two ways, and blah-blahs that his angel vs. devil is fatty vs. fat-free, natch! Yawn, zzzzzzzzz. I do wake up a little bit when he gets even puffier as he insists he deserves to win this Quickfire “because I’m the best fucking cook here!”…

…funny, I would have said he was Most Deserving Of A Swirlie, but that’d be redundant…

We’ll come back to this chubby little prickpoke later. In the meantime, 80′s Hooker is about to drop her bombshell, and it’s a doozy. She says her inspiration for her dishes today is the fact that she was diagnosed with cancer, and her angel vs. devil was going sugar-less vs. sugar-y, because apparently sugar is a no-no for cancer victims and she had to struggle between trying to be healthy and being bad. Wow, that’s some heavy shit. I wonder how the others are going to react when they find out about that.

Over in Bro-Ville, Big Volt’s taking a cue from Li’l Volt and is trying to use the liquid nitrogen to make something. It seems like all he’s succeeded in doing is freezing his ladle to the bottom of his pan, and upon seeing this Li’l Volt offers to help him out. All he gets in return is a peeved “I know how to do it, shut up asshole!” See why I call Biggie only marginally more mature?…

…somebody needs a nap…

Big Bry notes that while he’s won three Elimination Challenges, he’s been kinda sucking baboon ass in the Quickfires, mainly because he’s been “trying to do too much”. This time he’s going to make a dessert with simple colors and flavors and textures. And liquid nitrogen.

Let’s cruise on into the land of I-Fucking-Told-You-So, where Gay Ashlee is pissed because *gasp* his coffee custard isn’t setting properly… “I got kind of heated eggs.” he moans. I guess he’s giving up either the angel or the devil side of his dish now. I would have served an empty ramekin and said my devil was invisible. Or serve the unset custard and tell them it’s evil-tasting…

…”If you eat us, we will give you diarrhea! mwuhahahahahahahaha!“…

Time has run out, and here come Scar and Bernie to see what Li’l Volt did…

…ooh, he got to say his favorite StuffyCheffyâ„¢ word again!…

He says his salmon rillettes represent the “traditional method” while the confit is the “modern method” so it’s “traditional vs. modern”. I’m not sure why he thinks modern cooking methods are the devil since he loves to use that kind of stuff, but I don’t think he really understood the challenge completely. Bernie just says “Very interesting, thank you.” and they move on to DirtyBear…

…who took a slightly more literal approach…

He points out that the halibut is really light and fresh while the devilish part is the pork product. Scar seems kinda impressed, “That’s a big fat piece of bacon, Kevin!” and he giggles and says “That’s the big fat bad part about it!” while Bernie takes a big fat bite of it with a big fat grin on her face. I think those are two of my favorite words now.

One guess as to what main protein Island Mon Ron used, and if you said beef or pork or fowl then you would be…

…completely wrong…

Much like Ron’s entry into the Quickfire Challenge. Again, I suspect he didn’t fully understood what they were asking for, and he never explains why corn hash is angelic and why yucca (or, as he pronounces it “YOO-ka”) is devilish. Scar’s pissed because she’s gotten a piece of fish with a buttload of bones in it. Luckily for Bernie, her piece was properly boned. Much like Ron’s entry into the Quickfire Challenge.

Hey, looks like MaryMann’s also making a bid to take us back to Top Scaylope as well!…

…does that translate as “seared scallop bitchiness?”…

At least she comprehended what the challenge was, since she describes her angelic scallop crudo as being “light and delicate”, and the devilish puttanesca as being “salty and aggressive”. Mmmm-hmmm, I bet the Devil is pretty salty and aggressive, just the way I like ‘em! Wait, er– did I say that out loud? Um, let’s move on.

And it’s Fat Kid’s chance. I don’t know why he’s even bothering, clearly he deserves to win this one because he’s such an awesome cook…

…and he never explains what the three giant loogies in the upper left-hand corner of the plate are…

I’m not sure if he’s trying to be flirty or just kissing Bernie’s ass in a ridiculous fashion, but when he gets done with his dish description he tells her it’s “real cheap thrills.” Without missing a beat (or a chew) she replies “My favorite kind of thrill.” Careful Bernie, with Fat Kid I imagine your thrills are not only cheap, but mighty short-lived, too.

Time to check in with Big Volt and see if he was able to make liquid nitromagic…

…which he might as well have called “Skidmarks’N'Spooge”…

That. Plate. Is. Just. Fugly. I think Bernie agrees with me…

…or perhaps it’s bringing back terrible memories of her date with a guy who had an adult diaper fetish…

All she says is “Thank you.” and they skitter on over to Bitter Jen, who makes tonight’s third entry into Top Scaylope!…

…but hers is prolly the prettiest…

Bernie calls the butter sauce “very addictive”. Jen still looks bitter. I dunno why, at least she’s not double-butt-fucked like Gay Ashlee…

…whose single custard offering looks pretty pukeworthy…

Ashlee says his biggest devil was time, and tells Scar and Bernie that they would have had a lovely coffee custard on the other side, “It was delicious… in my head.” Bernie’s a good sport and replies “In my head I will imagine it.” Ashlee might as well begin to imagine not winning this Quickfire, too.

It’s time to hear the story behind 80′s Hooker’s dish…

…which looks surprisingly normal for a change…

So she tells them that four years ago she was diagnosed with a duo of lymphomas and she became obsessed with eating raw food for health reasons, which is why she made the organic arugula salad. Obviously the apple ginger crisp is from the devilish non-health-conscious side. Bernie tastes it and seems pleased, “This is lovely, nice and simple.” Hmmm, I seem to remember DirtyBear saying something about how she liked nice simple food. Meanwhile, some of the others are totally shooting daggers in 80′s Hooker’s direction…

…I’m guessing these two won’t be buying her a LiveStrong bracelet anytime soon…

Let’s see what our Sticky Wickett was able to put together…

…looksl ike someone’s angel is kinda leaky…

Bernie has no comment except for “Thank you.” Sticky looks like someone just twisted both of her nipples and she’s not allowed to yell.

Oh well, last in line tonight is our Sexist Pigshit, who surprises us all by making…

…what a shocker, more Greek-esque food!…

Once again, the angel vs. devil attributes of each dish aren’t really clear, but that’s not really surprising considering the fact that no matter what the challenge, Sexist’s just gonna make what he makes, yell “Opa!” and not worry about it. Better yet is when Bernie takes a bite of his food and says “This is a little bit too salty.” This pronouncement gets a pretty hard Fuck-You-Faceâ„¢ outta Pigshit in return…

…made worse still by the fact that the one judging his food is nothing but a lowly inferior woman…

It’s pretty clear that he’s not cool with a bitch like Bernie, and I’m loving the fact that there’s nothing he can do about that. Well, let’s see who’s topsies and bottomsies. On the “least favorite” side of the fence is our Gay Ashlee (natch!) not just because he didn’t complete the challenge, but because the custard he did serve was runny and overspicy. Ouch. Also, Big Volt’s Dirty Diaper Dish gets cornholed for being a poor execution of a good idea. Oh, poo! Also, Sticky Wickett’s leaky chicken dishes get chastised for their having “nothing new, nothing expiring whatsoever on the plate.” I think Bernie meant to say “nothing inspiring” but “expiring” is a Freudianly good way to describe that dish, too.

Her favorites were Li’l Volt’s salmon duo (which was “a bite that transported” her… to where exactly, I’m not sure), Fat kid’s Loogie Art (she loved the brown butter risotto which, as well all now know is not a rice but a style of cooking as well as the crisp bite of his radish pesto sauce) and the third favorite… was 80′s Hooker!…

…the news of which causes multiple orgasms of delight…

Bernie says her salad was “an absolute pleasure” and that following it with the contrast of the apple crisp was really nice, and that even though it was simple, it was very well executed. So who wins? “The one that really showed us the true angel vs. devil… is Robin!” Oh boy, if you thought people looked pissed off before, it’s looking like a lynch-mob now. The best illustration of this is Li’l Volt’s face before and after the announcement that 80′s Hooker has won immunity and they’ll be stuck with her for at least another week…

…Before: “I’m gonna fuckin’ win, I can almost taste it!”
After: “I lost, and it tastes like rotten 80′s hooker vag on my tongue.”…

They must really hate her to be so pissed off about her win. Or these people are the biggest bunch of sore-ass losers I’ve ever seen in my life. Naturally, 80′s Hooker is elated that in less than 24 hours she went from being on the bottom to being on top, and is encouraged and believes this means she still belongs in the competition.

Hey, you know who doesn’t believe that? Fat Kid, who gets my award for DogPiss Asshole Of The Year when he says “That’s a pretty good way to win a Quickfire is tell people you have fucking cancer! [mimicking Robin] ‘When I had cancer I could eat this, and when I didn’t I ate this.’ It’s like, oh, okay… I mean, weak!”…

…says the fat, schlubby, bitter little fuck with almost no chin and a ridonk hairstyle…

For realsies? What an asshole. 80′s Hooker might be annoying as fuck, but that’s still a pretty fucking horrible thing to say about someone who’s survived a disease like that. In a blog on this week’s episode, Fat Kid claims now that he thought Li’l Volt’s dish should have won because it was elaborate and brilliant, and that Robin’s was weak, had “little technical work or conceptualization”, and that most distasteful to him was the fact that by her mentioning suriving cancer “she made it appear cheap and as a grab for attention”.

Hold up a second. We’re in the sixth episode here, and this is the first time we’ve heard her mention having had cancer. If she had been saying this from the get-go and trying to find a way in every single challenge to bring it up, then yes, I’d say that was a cheap ploy for attention. You know, kinda like when Island Mon Ron made sure to mention his life-threatening boat trip from Haiti (that happened 20+ years ago) in the very first episode as being a “vice” that he still had. But she didn’t, she mentioned it in the context of this challenge about healthy vs. not-so-healthy food and how it affected her personally as a chef, which is exactly what they were asked to do.

And let’s also look at what Fat Kid is essentially saying about Michelle Bernstein: that she would have ignored her professional capacity as a judge of how the food tasted in favor of giving a win to 80′s Hooker because she felt sympathy for her having had cancer. I think she just appreciated the simple food more than the technically complex stuff that Li’l Volt put forth. Either way, Fat Kid’s not likely to have Bernie showing up to eat at his restaurant any time soon.

Well, let’s move on to the Elimination Challenge, which involves what Scar calls one of Las Vegas’ “dynamic duos”. I was totally hoping they were going to bring out Siegfried and Roy with a great big gay white tiger that would pounce on and chew up Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit, but no, the guests are magicians Penn & Teller…

…and some of their dinner leftovers, I guess…

DirtyBear’s grinning like a kid, he’s a huge P&T fan and thinks they are just the funniest thing ever. I’m kind of in the other camp with these two, I’ve never totally understood their appeal, but clearly they resonate with some people or they wouldn’t be popular, right? Kinda like Crocs. Anyhow, they come out and perform a trick that they call “the classic version of ‘Cups And Balls’”. And already I’m annoyed because they’re wrong about that, the “classic version” of “Cups And Balls” comes from a 1982 HardStrokesâ„¢ video called “Locker Room Lotharios”. Jeez. Anyhow, after they run through this trick once, they do it again, only this time they do the “Penn & Teller Deconstructed Version” using clear plastic cups…

…the best part of which is when he turns his eye into a lime…

Yeah, I turned to the BF after that little segment and asked “Did I miss something funny?” and I got a hearty “Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.” in return. Moving on, Scar says for their Elimination Challenge they will have to “deconstruct a classic dish”, which Li’l Volt helpfully explains is to take apart each element of a dish and allow the diner to put it back together when they eat it so they get the flavors of the original dish. This sounds like something that would really appeal more to lazy-ass chefs than industrious diners, but whatever, they have to draw knives to see what dish they get.

And some of them are doozies! Bitter Jen gets “Meat Lasagne”, Li’l Volt picks “Caesar Salad” and Gay Ashlee lands “Shepherd’s Pie”. 80′s Hooker pulls “New England Clam Chowder”, Fat Kid (and his cancer-survivor-hating-lumpy-ass) receives “Sweet & Sour Pork” while Sticky Wickett has “Fish’N'Chips”. DirtyBear hits the shit-jackpot when he reads that he’s supposed to deconstruct “Chicken Mole Negro”, which is very similar to the dish he made on last week’s Kowboy Kampoutâ„¢ and he has not forgotten that he “didn’t fare so well” with it. Plus, doesn’t mole have, like, literally 27 ingredients? Good luck, DirtyBear!

Big Volt gets to deconstruct the “Reuben Sammich” while Sexist Pigshit draws “Eggs Florentine”, MaryMann takes on “Pot Roast” and Island Mon Ron seems overjoyed when his knife says “Paella” because he says he serves it on his menu back home, so this is familiar territory for him.

They’ll be serving in pairs on the following day to a table including Bernie, Penn & Teller, the judges and a newly-returned-and-healed from his bike accident Toby Young. The chefs faces all crumple a bit at that little announcement, and MaryMann says the pressure is turned up a notch now that “the meanest guy in food criticism is gonna be sitting at the table.” Which is weird, because last season he didn’t seem all that imposing, and in fact, I thought he and his elaborate (yet lame) jokes seemed kinda desperate and more than a little sad. Plus it was clear that Daddy Tom hated his ass and could barely stand to be at the same table with him…

…so welcome back, little fella!…

Time for the trip to Whole Paycheck Market, this time they’ve only got $125.00 to spend in 30 minutes, and absolutely nothing of interest happens there, with the exception of Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit having their usual shopping cart derby races.

Back across the International Date Line at the “M” Resort & Klassy Kasino, they’ve got 2 hours to prep. It turns out that Sexist Pigshit has no clue what Eggs Florentine is, he’s thinking maybe it’s like an omelet with spinach in it? Displaying his awesomely formidable nicknaming skillz he says he’s calling it “Eggs Foreign-To-Me”…

…ha…

Okay, truth be told, I wasn’t sure what it was, either, but that’s still a shitty nickname. Anyhow, Pigshit says it’s really tough because he can’t go online and look up recipes, so what’s he gonna do? Yup, you guessed it! He’s gonna ignore the challenge and just make some Greek food. And that’s why he’s clearly among the top echelon of this seasons cheftestants.

Meanwhile Li’l Volt looks like he’s hacking apart some chickens for his Caesar Salad. He’s also baking his own bread, “spherifying dressing” and making an emulsion out of egg yolks. Plus, he’s softening his hands while he does dishes. At one point DirtyBear calls out asking if anyone is using bread to not throw away their crusts, which gives Li’l Volt the chance to let everyone else know he’s baking his own. Upon hearing this, Big Volt interviews that Li’l Volt’s just a big showy showoff. Oh, wah. You’re just pissed because you served what looked like a chocoturd and the contents of a used bath-house towel to Michelle Bernstein.

DirtyBear says that his biggest competition there is the Volts, because they’re both used to making deconstructed food. However, since he actually has experience with making mole, he feels like he’s been given a second chance to show the judging panel that he really knows and understands the complexities of the dish. Now if he’d just stop making that silly fauxhawk in front of his bald spot, he’d be good to go!…

…seriously, dude, stop it, between that and your giant beard you’re making your own head look freakishly huh-yooge…

Strangely, Bitter Jen seems to be really spinning her wheels and having a hard time coming up with a plan to deconstruct her lasagne. She blames it on her classical training, which apparently doesn’t cover this sort of thing, and at one point we hear her say “What the fuck!” in a quavery voice that sounds dangerously close to tears. Come on, Jen, don’t pull a Biker Chick and wuss out now!…

Checking in with Island Mon Ron, he seems to be moving forward, although that’s hard to really tell when he’s saying what sounds like “Glarble flooble mergunloquizitz derr wurrble plotzebbliex kligbuvorts dalg glidje blimlimlim”¹ He further confounds me when he continues, “Dylfen qwexenjogg kurggaviffent blechenzoop snorpft botchycullit!”² I’m not sure, maybe he had oral surgery, but he’s getting more and more mushmouthed with every episode. Meanwhile, while he’s telling us all of this I happen to notice something a tad disturbing that he did with his sauce in the Kowboy Kampout last week as well…

¹ – “To deconstruct the paella, I’m going to smoke the chicken and make a saffron broth, and also put some nice garnish on the plate to make it look chic.”
² – “I have made so many versions of paella in my restaurant that I believe out of all of the challenges this is going to be the one that I win.”

…drouvapf juxkywribletz ichkyblehbble!³…

³ – He tasted his sauce with his bare fingers!

I may be ignorant of chef’s etiquette, but isn’t this kind of thing frowned upon? Or are bare fingers considered okay and it’s only icky if they reuse a tasting spoon? Either way, I’m kind of skeeved out by it. Meanwhile Fat Kid points out that perhaps Ron doesn’t understand what deconstructing the dish really means, because it seems like he’s just remaking paella but using a slightly different set of ingredients. I hate to agree with Fat Kid, but I think he might be right.

As for his own dish, well, he’s trying to deconstruct Sweet & Sour Pork, which is one of my all-time favorite dishes, especially if it’s done right. For some weird reason it appears that he brought his own digital pressure cooker to the Top Chef Kitchens, and it’s a beaut. It’s all cheap plastic and blue duct tape (he claims the baggage handlers on his flight from Atlanta fucked it up) and he thinks it’s funny that he’s working with his own “frankencooker”. What’s not so funny is when it explodes and sends hot steaming pork all over the place…

…there comes a time in everyone’s life when you really ought to let go of your Hamilton Beach Pressure Cooker…

What’s great is that not only does it douse Fat Kid in half-cooked porklets, but it showers the same on Big Volt, which I’m sure he’s pleased about. Gay Ashlee takes a moment out to read my thoughts when he observes “This thing is ghetto! The Top Chef Kitchen is packed with pressure cookers in the back, but he’s got his own magical one. I dunno what he was thinking.” My guess is he was thinking he was awesome and therefore nothing else (like pesky rational thoughts) could get through to him. Plus he’s spending a lot of time hating on 80′s Hooker, so maybe this is a little karmic justice.

Speaking of 80′s Hooker, she says she really doesn’t like clam chowder, so she’s going to make some kind of fennel flan. She leaches away a little of my respect for her when she acknowledges that she has immunity so she’s just going to “have fun” with the challenge. That attitude is not going to endear her to any of the others. What’s also not endearing her is the fact that she keeps up a steady stream of talking out loud to herself while she’s cooking, which is clearly getting on the nerves of those around her, namely Sticky Wickett, who still has to worry about being eliminated if she doesn’t do well in the challenge. “I’m really stressed out, I’m in a bad mood, and I’ve really had enough!” And she’s about to get even more!

Because Sticky’s deconstructing fish’n'chips, she’s trying to make these elaborate potato chips that have herbs embedded in them, and she’s having a lot of trouble making them get crispy. I’m not sure why she’s doing that today, when they won’t be served until tomorrow, but that’s really beside the point. At any rate, she’s standing next to the oven and babying her chips along when 80′s Hooker calls out and actually asks Wickett to pull her pan of pancetta out of a nearby oven! 80′s casually faux-apologizes, “Sorry, I know you’re busy, too.” Um, yeah… she’s busy not having immunity, bitch! Sticky is furious and is ready to kill her, but she quietly brings Hooker her pan…

…and suppresses the urge to send 80′s Hooker to the ER to have to undergo a pancettectomy…

Seriously, does this woman truly wonder why everyone in that house hates her? Cancer-survivor or not, it’s kinda rude to sit there and flaunt your immunity by making wacky food and expect others to help you out with that. Not to mention being intentionally annoying in the kitchen by yammering nonstop (in a response blog she claims she tells people to just “ignore her” but that’s a really shitty response when you’re breaking people’s concentration). I don’t hate the woman the way these people do, but I think she missed a golden opportunity to create some goodwill with the others by being extra-helpful to them instead of making it the other way around.

Here comes Daddy Tom in his pretty purple chef’s coat to make them even more nervous! Stopping by Gay Ashlee’s station he wants to know if he has a lot of experience with Shepherd’s Pie. Ho-ho, nope, just with the shepherds themselves. Ba-dump-bump-tsss! Ashlee tosses out a few words like “flavors” and “textures” and “pureé” but that doesn’t fool Daddy Tom who clocks him on the fact that he has no idea what he’s doing other than lamb and mashed potatoes.

Meanwhile, Bitter Jen is doing everything in her power to stay as far away from Daddy Tom as she can, every time he approaches her station she runs away to another part of the kitchen, apparently because she‘s scared to talk to him doesn’t have time to talk to him. Instead, he checks in with Island Mon Ron, who immediately says he needs some luck. This request confuses Daddy…

…because how else has Island Mon made it this far in the competition?…

Ron says he needs luck because he always makes traditional paella. Daddy Tom reminds him that the challenge is to make an untraditional paella. Then Island Mon’s cracks really start to show when he flat out asks Daddy Tom if he knows any good tricks to accomplish this! Wow, did he really just ask for help with the challenge from Daddy Tom? Daddy just laughs and says he can’t give any answers, he can only ask questions. Not to state the obvious, but that was not a smart move, Ron.

Finally he gets over to Bitter Jen’s station to ask her about her deconstructed lasagne. She says she’s got a pure tomato sauce, some flatiron steak she’ll be cubing up, and she’s made her own pasta (instead of going with Barilla or Buitoni). He notes that she seems rather stressed, and she admits deconstruction isn’t something she’s done before but she’s sure as hell gonna try. Or make someone cry.

Back at the Chefs McMansion, Island Mon is starting to seriously freak out about having drawn paella, because apparently that’s a major part of Michelle Bernstein’s menu. Suddenly Fat Kid appears (in an undershirt with a horrible greenish stain over the left tit) and asserts that Ron better do a good job on it, because Bernie really knows her food and knows what she’s talking about. Which is weird, because earlier he seemed to think that she didn’t know fuckall and was so swayed by 80′s Hooker’s sob story that she stupidly handed her a Quickfire win and immunity to boot…

…come on Fat Kid, you’re on TV for God’s sake!…

It gets even worse when Fat Kid explains that the rice in a paella is fully cooked and gets crunchy on the bottom of the pan from drying out. For someone who claims to make paella all the time, this appears to be news to Island Mon Ron…

…”Bedizzleff karumphostylix peezelswuffit blig?”†…

†“What?”

DirtyBear is honest and tells Ron he’s afraid he’s just making regular old paella and not deconstructing it at all. Then he and Fat Kid spend the next 20 minutes telling Ron how he can achieve that, and I’m left wondering would any of them have been this helpful to a fellow cheftestant if it had been one of the girls?

Speaking of which, Sticky Wickett, MaryMann and Bitter Jen have all gathered to have a bitch session. Sticky’s super-irritated with 80′s Hooker and the fact that she just won’t STFU when she’s in the kitchen. However, her mood is somewhat brightened by the fact that Sexist Pigshit apparently still has no clue what’s actually in Eggs Florentine.

It’s the day of the Elimination Challenge, and today they are cooking in the kitchens that belong to Marinelli’s Restaurant inside the “M” Resort and Klassy Kasino, and they’ve got only one hour to cook. They’ll be serving in pairs, but their food will be judged solo. As the diners gather we are treated to yet another unpleasant sight…

…a scowly little penis with ears…

And a brand new scar on the top of his noggin (you can almost see where they tried to cover it with makeup on the upper right side of his forehead)! Li’l Volt and Sexist Pigshit are going to be the first to go, and naturally Li’l Volt is excited because this challenge was made for him (plus, let’s face it, he’s like a sunburnt Jesus in the Kitchen, if Jesus was kind of a dick to everybody). Sexist Pigshit, on the other hand, is not at all happy with the presentation of his dish, he thinks it looks sloppy (and he’d be right, it looks like barf-o-rama) but he’s sure it tastes good. That sureness drains away when he gets a good look at Tiny Tewwible Toby sitting there like a hungry yet malevolent yard gnome.

And leading off is Li’l Volt…

…truthfully, my favorite kind of salad has only two pieces of lettuce in it…

…followed closely by Sexist Pigshit…

…and if you can’t think of any other way to Greek it all up, just add phyllo dough!…

Pigshit is so fucking nervous that he stumbles all over his description, sounding completely incompetent compared to Li’l Volt’s confident little speech. After the Mikes leave, they attack his dish first. Scar asks Tiny Tewwible Toby if he liked the Eggs Florentine, and he replies “I didn’t really care for it, I mean, I… no.” He says it wasn’t a deconstruction as much as a reinvention, and he likes the original better. Daddy Tom wants to know where the egg whites are in the dish, and notes that Pigshit left some stuff out. Perhaps even more telling is Teller’s face after eating it…

…perhaps this is International Mimefaceâ„¢ for “I’m choking on shitty phyllo dough!”?…

However, Li’l Volt’s dish is getting universal praise, Bernie says the execution on it is beautiful and notes that he really embraced the deconstruction theme. Tiny Tewwible Toby complains, though, that the spherified salad dressing didn’t “explode” the way Li’l Volt said it would when he broke it open (which is stupid, because he didn’t say it would “explode”, he said it would “ooze” down into the rest of the salad) and this leads to Penn jokingly saying that he and Teller could make the dressing explode… but it would kill everyone. This amusing little sally is greeted by crickets in return and I gather from the look on Toby’s face that he’s thinking…

…”Finally! Someone who is unfunnier than me!!”…

Big Volt and Sticky Wickett are going next, and Sticky’s still fucking around with her crappy little tater chips. After deep frying them they’re still soggy, so she tries to crisp them up in the oven. And immediately incinerates most of them. So now she’s got exactly two chips for each plate. Poor thing, the word was “deconstruction” not “destruction”. Big Volt, on the other hand, is feeling just fine because he’s got everything under control… until he walks out and sees how huge Penn is, and how small his tiny Reuben-esque sammich is in comparison, and thinks maybe he should have upped the portion a little bit. See for yourself…

…it’s like eating a little crime scene!…

However, Sticky Wickett’s dish fared far worse on the anemic artwork scale…

…like a trail of sad little bread crumbs leading to the Land Of Disenchantmentâ„¢…

She does her best to present it well, and lays out how she’s covered all the ingredients (“The only thing I’m missing is the newspaper!”, which I didn’t get at first, but then the BF told me that in the U.K. it’s traditionally served wrapped that way) but Tiny Tewwible Toby’s just staring at his plate and looking puzzled.

Bernie says she doesn’t love the fish, and Daddy Tom echoes that, saying it’s dry and overcooked. Tiny Toby points out that “She left out the chips!” and Scar agrees! Teller’s making more overexaggerated faces to show he doesn’t like it and I’m kinda wishing he’d choke a little because he’s kinda annoying with that shit.

However, Big Volt’s done it again, Bernie loves the tuna and wanted to lick the plate. Daddy Tom is impressed that if you close your eyes you can taste the same flavors as a Reuben. Ahhh, but big fat Penn says he hates to disagree with “the experts” but he didn’t think it tasted much at all like corned beef and sauerkraut. Teller’s face says it wasn’t Reuben to him, either. Or maybe he has to take a really urgent dump, six of one, half-a-dozen of the other.

Back in the kitchen, Gay Ashlee’s discovering that his parsnip pureé has turned out “a little bit gummy” so instead of serving it, he replaces that part with pureéd peas. How very Blechsorcist of him! Oh well, even though he just boned his own dish, he takes time to help Bitter Jen plate hers by putting garlic chips on top of her gnesala (that’s “lasagne” deconstructed, natch!) and tells her “If you win I expect $15,000.00!” Jen laughs bitterly and says “Ahhh, this isn’t winning.”

Of course, it’s even more fun to watch Ashlee realize that he’s serving a fucked up Shepherd’s Pie to a cranky Brit like Toby, but here goes anyhow…

…for some strange reason looking at this dish has me hearing Tubular Bells and thinking erotic thoughts about Jesus…

And here’s the heaven that is Bitter Jen’s dish in comparison…

…she’s right, it is sloppy seconds…

Bernie is impressed that Bitter Jen has pretty much nailed it to the wall with a textbook deconstruction of meat lasagne, and Scar likes the fact that her crispy parmesan cheese captured the crusty top that comes on such a dish. On the other end of the spectrum, Daddy Tom is disgusted with Gay Ashlee’s terrible cooking of the lamb chops, some are near-raw and others are blackened husks. Toby can’t believe that Ashlee thought he could get away with substituting peas for the potatoes that are kind of a main ingredient in Shepherd’s Pie. FAIL.

Now it’s Fat Kid stuck with Island Mon Ron as they attempt to get their shit ready to present, and he’s telling us that Island Mon seems to be totally out of it, running about the kitchen looking dazed, as if he’s not sure what’s really going on. OH, that’s right! He really doesn’t know what’s going on! Poor guy, he can’t get his rice to crisp up for his paella-ish thing and is stressing bad. At least I think that’s what he said. Too late now, it’s time to face the bitchy little Brit…

…and try to make him nauseous…

Whereas Fat Kid’s plate looks more pornographic than anything else…

…with a sexy pair of disembodied porkesticles…

As was feared, Island Mon Ron’s description basically points out that normal paella is made with garlic and oil, and he’s simply made the same thing and substituted lemon for the garlic. He also mentions the dish having an ingredient that sounded like “cho-cho”. Anybody have any ideas there? Curious. Fat Kid’s dish looks divine by comparison (especially when he mentions the “light light light citrus dressing” he’s used on his raw broccoli salad).

No one’s singing any paeans to the paella, and in fact everyone is finding it exceedingly dry, the rice is totally overcooked and Bernie’s super-disappointed that there’s no crispety-crunchety-crust like paella should have. Scar says it’s not deconstructed at all, and Daddy Tom calls it “a sad, sad bowl of food”…

…that’s currently trying to throw itself off the table…

On the other hand, Daddy’s liking the taste of the pork balls, but Tiny Tewwible Toby thinks the dish looks horrible, “like a couple of bull’s testicles!” at which point Scar pipes up that she’s had author’s bull’s testicles (Penn makes sure to interject a smarmy “I’ll bet.” here) and that these pork balls are “actually a little big”. Penn goes on to say that there’s something a “little bit unhealthy and unpleasant about sweet & sour pork” and that unpleasant unhealthiness is really coming across in Fat Kid’s dish. But he means it as a compliment. Gee, if it’s unhealthy then I hope it doesn’t give you cancer, and if it does, you betta not tell nobody but God. Otherwise you’re being disgraceful and making a cheap grab for attention. Fat little fuck.

MaryMann and DirtyBear are the last duo to go, and DirtyBear thinks his dish looks like 13 shades of shit. MaryMann’s not too excited for her presentation, either, but here they come…

…aaaauuuggghhh, not foam!…

Does carrot foam make you fart orange clouds? I wonder. Oh, and here’s DirtyBear’s…

…he’s right, it looks like a rest stop in Nogales…

DirtyBear’s description lasts about 27 minutes because there are so many damned ingredients in his dish, and I think he really pulled the hardest one of them all. When he gets done and they start eating, Penn is the first to break the silence and say he doesn’t want to have any other mole ever again after eating this one. Wow. Bernie says it’s clear he worked his chubby little butt off on the plate. Teller looks like it was good enough that he might even speak.

Also, Bernie thinks MaryMann “kicked ass” on her dismantled pot roast, and Tiny Tewwible Toby thinks it’s the best cooked piece of meat they’ve been served all day. Daddy Tom simply thinks she nailed it.

They should have been playing clown music as 80′s Hooker readies her dish to be served, because it just looks wacky as fuck. She claims that she’s still nervous even though she has immunity, and I say that’s a load of mole. She also makes a rather bad choice of wording when she tells the diners that drawing New England Clam Chowder was “a dubious honor” because that clearly says she didn’t like the original dish. So here’s what she did instead…

…yay for white Jell-O salad!…

Scar says it reminds her more of cream of celery soup than clam chowder. Tiny Tewwible Toby says that the texture of it is “repulsive… like soup that’s been left overnight”. Oooh, good one, T³! Yup, I’d say that’s another FAIL. But did anybody really expect anything different? I know I didn’t. And with that, it’s time to head back to Judges’ Table.

In the Stew Room, Scar arrives and calls for MaryMann, Li’l Volt, DirtyBear and Bitter Jen! Didn’t they sometimes used to call the bottoms first? I wish they’d do that once in a while, it’d be fun to watch Sexist Pigshit’s face when he finds out he’s in the bottom, LOL! Actually it’s fun right now to watch him and Fat Kid looking all pissed off because they know they’re not in the top, either! It’s a win-win.

Daddy Tom tells Li’l Volt that his use of chemicals in his Caesar Salad Dresspheres was used to great effect and it’s dishes like that that make people get excited about food. Oh please, show me a Double Whopper with Cheese and I’ll get plenty excited. In any case, Bernie tells MaryMann that she’s normally not a fan of Pot Roast, but she fell in love with her version of it. Daddy also tells DirtyBear that there while there were a zillion things going on in his dish, they were all necessary and all perfectly in balance. Tiny Tewwible Toby tells Bitter Jen that he was impressed with the confidence she showed in keeping her dish so simple, but it worked extremely well, and Daddy thinks it was a nice surprise that things turned out so well in light of how freaked out she was when he talked to her the day before. So who won? Bernie gives the honor to… DirtyBear (for win #2!)…

…I just love to include Li’l Volt’s Many Faces Of Frustrationâ„¢ with our winners…

PLUS, DirtyBear wins a set of Calphalon Unison Nonstick cookware! Or, at least the box that contained it, because there’s no way he’d be able to carry it that easily if those pots were really in there. After going back to the Stew Room where everyone oohs and ahhs over DirtyBear’s new pots and pans, they find out the loozahs tonight are Sticky Wickett, Island Mon Ron and Gay Ashlee.

There’s no point in reiterating all the ways in which these three sucked shit through a tube tonight, the bottom line is that they didn’t so much deconstruct the food as they devolved it. Much like tonight’s viewers’ poll…

…3. He’s an idiot who thinks you pronounce “paella” as “pie-ELLAH”…

And the one going home is no shocker at all… it’s Island Mon Ron. He’s very philosophical about it, saying he’s got no regrets about how far he came, and says to be a part of Top Chef when he started out as a poor boy in Haiti is one of the best American Dreams he can think of. Awww, that’s so sweet. At least, I think that’s what he said.

So there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Was Fat Kid wrong for making the comment he did about 80′s Hooker mentioning her cancer, or do you think she did it for sympathy? Is DirtyBear a dark horse to maybe win this thing? And can anyone explain the appeal of Penn & Teller to me? I’d love to know what I’m missing out on.

Since there is no new episode this week, I will be returning with a new recap sometime after the 7th. Truth be told, I threw my back out today and I could use a rest from sitting at the computer, so I’m going to take some drugs and bid you goodnight. Thanks again for all the fun comments, even if you disagree with me!

love, J-Mo