This week on Top Chef, a midget tried to bang a big girl and we found out that Fabio’s way gayer than we could have ever imagined.
We open with shots of New Orleans, and it’s great to see the place looking so put together. The way people are talking about it on the news I was expecting less this…
and more this…
There’s an article in this week’s TVGuide about the final five chefs. They included Possible Stalker Leah because we hadn’t seen her get shipped back to the terrorist training camp yet. She says at first she didn’t think she’d go far but then “I realized I’m better than most of the chefs here.” LOL. Your on camera near handjob kept you in as long as you stayed, idiot. Anyway, she’s gone now so I need to let it go.
ANYHOOZLE, Hosea is the first to arrive in New Orleans. He tells us that he’s never visited before but he’s been studying up on his Creole food. I can’t wait to see his spicy potatoes. Fabio’s next, and holy goodness, doesn’t this guy have a wife? Why is he dressed like Rizzo from Grease?
Welcome to a land of funnier accents than yours, Pink Lady!
Then we get a closeup. What happened to his hair!? Social Services needs to get to his home stat and take custody away from the wife. This is immigrant husband abuse.
He says that his restaurant’s business has been great since the show aired but “I NEED TYDEL!” Beaker’s next, and she has a band playing for her, because she’s the only one who would appreciate it. And appreciate it she does.
And she has new hair!! I hope it gets really humid and hot today so that straight mane will be back to the Sideshow Bob fro we’ve all come to know and love. She knows that she’s still the underdog, but hopes that having Ronda and Juanita the spirit guides on her side, plus being from the South and knowing the food, will get her the prize. In New Orleans, you need to cook with heart, soul, and crazy. She’s got them all in spades.
Stefan is last. He tells us that he’s great and he knows he’s great and even though it will be the Euro’sin the finale, he’s gonna be the one to cash the check. Then he’s gonna buy a bag of toys and hamburger shirts to woo Turtle until she agrees to let him turkey baste her with a tiny eggheaded baby. Stefan is supposed to be the villain, I guess, but I love him. And here’s why:
I’ve been working on gratin.
The chefs jump into their Ford Focus and make their way to a giant place called Houma’s House while Beaker talks about New Orleans’ melting pot of cultures. I don’t know if that’s for our sake or if she’s just warning the two skinheads in the car to watch their mouths.
That’s great. I hope you’ve got a hat in there too Nazi Nate.
Daddy Tom and Scar are waiting for them on the front lawn with Rosie O’Donnell! And she’s not wearing any makeup.
Turtle, wherever you are, this guest judge is dedicated to you.
What ees a koosh?
There are only three tables on the lawn, which immediately worries Beaker because knowing this show, they’ll have to pick knives to see who’s gonna be in the finale. I wouldn’t put it past them. HOLY SHIT! No knife picking today! These four aren’t even going to have to compete. Tom explains that in the spirit of New Orleans’ rebirth, the kicked off three are getting another chance to compete! It’s the first ever Top Chef Wild Card Edition! I hope that crazy bitch Tatiana from American Idol shows up to compete. EW! It’s worse! Possible Stalker Leah and Prettyish Boy Jeff. And (yay) TURTLE!! I’m surprised Prettyish showed up after complaining that the producers used him as a tawdry sex object. One question, how else are they supposed to use you, you soulless mindless little twerp? If you didn’t work out you never would have made it on the show in the first place. Or into the Dildo Beach Club, for that matter. Deep breaths. Think positive. I hope he runs today!
Turtle and Possible Stalker Leah have smartened up this time around after seeing themselves look like dog shit on national TV. From the neck up, Turtle’s gone Lipstick on us, and she looks really cute. She’s wearing the lipstick bullet t-shirt again. but it makes more sense with the new face and hair.
Might wanna trade scarves with Fabio, though.
Leah looks good too. Like, kinda hot. Way out of Hosea’s league. Now if she’ll just keep her mouth shut, she might get a boyfriend that doesn’t require bricks through the windshield or boiled bunnies to keep in line.
Now just get some Rosetta Stone Language Tapes and you’ll be on the path to being a real woman.
Prettyish is still the same dumbshit he’s always been.
Beaker smiles big when she sees them, but Fabio’s nottatooeppy. Tough titties NoHawk! Hosea feels “awkward” and “weird” seeing Leah again and I would be too cuz she’s not very subtle. She rolls her head and taunts him a little. Love it.
Nice Ford Focus. Get ready to have that shit keyed with “TINY WEENIE”, sucka.
Hosea is not pleased with this turn of events either, telling us how hard he worked to get to the finale. Let’s face it, tiger. You’re here because Turtle ragged out at Ripert’s restaurant. Man I hope he gets his ass whooped today.
The returning three will compete and the winner will earn a spot alongside the other four for elimination. Obvs. There will be an hour to create this dish (which isn’t really quick, but I guess you flew em all out here so go ahead) and they are given a giant pot of live crawfish. Prettyish looks scared. Probably because it reminds him of what all the bears at the Club did to him when he got back.
Leah, reliable as ever, says she has never worked with crawfish before and has no idea what to do. Prettyish is grateful for the chance to prove that he really did belong in the finale after all. Or it will prove that you should never have been here in the first place. Either way, I see a lot of spiritual growth happening here.
Or not. Take it off! Show us something!
Leah admits that she has been bitter about being kicked off right before the final four was announced. Unfortunately, she’s trying to whip up gumbo for the first time ever, which means she’s got a high chance of getting the boot again. Well, she figured out how to put on makeup through her last bout of sour grapes. Maybe this time she can learn about FrizzEase. Prettyish is making grits and crawfish. He tells us that he didn’t deserve to go home for his ceviche. He said in an interview that he was mad about Tom saying his ceviche was “watered down”. “It didn’t even have water in it!” LOL. He asks “do I deserve to be back? I obviously do. I’m here.” Obviously. After he says that he raises his eyebrows and you know he was struggling as hard as he could not to wink.
Turtle’s in it to win it, so she’s not going to make some hack gumbo. She’s going for corn cakes, poached eggs, andouille sausage and hollandaise with crawfish. Rosie stares at her from the balcony like she’s playing Juliet in the Gay and Lesbian Center’s Fall production. Turtle’s got this one in the bag.
My wife’s on the boat and the kids are at camp. Get up here so I can toss you around like a wet noodle.
Prettyish says that he is just trying to stay focused and not pay attention to the voices in his head. Hm. I imagined white noise. Go fig. One crawfish is so upset that he was partnered with Prettyish that he commits suicide on national tv.
See ya in hell, a hole!
Turtle reminds Leah that if she’s confused she has to use the Holy Trinity. No, it has nothing to do with Catholicism, she’s talking about Emeril LaGasse’s Holy Trinity for gumbo; onions, green peppers, and celery. I love Emeril! He should be a guest on this show. BAM!
Leah thinks hers tastes good, and Stefan’s behind her. He tells the others in the top that Leah hasn’t known what she’s doing lots of times and she still won challenges. At first I thought aw, he’s being nice to Leah! Then I realized he’s probably just trying to piss Hosea off.
Lalala I can’t hear you.
Time’s up and Leah’s first.
She intros her dish by saying she’s never used crawfish before or even touched it. Smooth. She tries to psych out Hosea, but he’s already shitting his pants.
NEWSFLASH: Prettyish made one cohesive dish! WOWEEEEE!
She starts babbling about loving softball and the Flinstones and cruises and Rosie just nods and licks her lips. Then she looks closely at Turtle and notices the eye shadow and lipstick. Rosie hates girlie girls, stupid! Sure enough, PRETTYISH IS BACK IN! AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH. And he’s thrilled.
Leah is the most disappointed visibly, but don’t worry, kid. There are plenty of roads for you to take.
Prettyish gets an amazing prize. It’s the book “Celebrity Detox”, by who else? Roro. Prettyish is gonna love her tales of breaking her own fingers and hands as a child with a baseball bat to get attention. Gee….thanks? That night, the top 5 and Juanita and Ronda will be eating at Emeril’s restaurant. Sweet! That guy has restaurants everywhere. I hope he appears. I love him.
They get to their swanky hotel and drink champagne and then head out to Emeril’s place. They all look really bored and uncomfortable. Fabio is stressed. He tells us that winning will be dee enzwer to everyting and if he wins he will use his money to help his sick mom in Italy. Save it, whineo. America can’t vote. Maybe he’s going for the favorite chef ten grand or something.
Prettyish: Mmm wine.
Fabio: Did I tell you guys about my mom?
Hosea: Fish is good.
Beaker: (shouting) No Ronda I didn’t bring cards just leave me alone!
(clink. Clink clink.)
The chefs are super boring during dinner and Emeril doesn’t even show up. Stefan argues with Hosea over spices a little bit and Hosea gets all wahwah about it but really? Who cares. The best part is Stefan’s t-shirt during testimonial time.
The next morning, the chefs arrive at a big warehouse filled with parade floats and props. The Elimination Challenge is to each create two dishes and one cocktail for a masquerade ball with a hundred people attending. One of the dishes has to be in Creole style. They will be cooking at Emeril’s restaurant. Wonder if he’ll bother to show up this time. Prettyish has to win the challenge to make it to the final round, and two chefs are still going home. And one more thing! The prize for winning this challenge will be a brand new Suzuki Sidekick! The book was probably more expensive.
In the little between commercials segment, Stefan tells the chefs that he went to Fabio’s restaurant on Halloween and he was wearing fishnets, a blond wig and a thong. Fabio explains that every year he dresses as a woman to prove that he has balls. I get that Euro guys are all a little gay, but really? Wife, if you’re reading this, we need to have lunch. You are being used as a free general manager honey.
If I was stuck in that white car I’d be rear ending the shit out of that buggy right now. The nerve of some people!
They get to the kitchen and start prepping. For his Creole dish, Hosea will be doing “a really authentic gumbo”. Another f ing hack gumbo. I’m not surprised, but I thought he’d maybe try to, you know, show that he’s not a hack. Ah well. If it works, he will at least be able to nannybooboo Leah, which is probably his reason for making it in the first place.
Beaker’s doing a shrimp and andouille beignet for her Creole dish. She’s also making oyster stew, but Emeril only has unshucked oysters in the kitchen. Even though she just learned to shuck last week, she decides to go for it. Uh-oh. To make it even scarier for her, she’s had to put Juanita through the twelve steps recently so for her cocktail she’s making a non-alcoholic cranberry spritzer. Ouch. WHY? Cranberry and soda, girl? Come on! That beignet better be damn good.
Stefan’s making gumbo too, but he’s using duck and rabbit to change it up a bit. He’s most likely just trying to knock out Hosea, and I love him for it.
Prettyish tells us that he’s making very complicated food which require many many steps. Just don’t add water!
Prettyish makes fun of Fabio for his hawk, because this was going to be the first season without a fauxhawk. Actually, it’s technically not a faux, but whatevs. I’m still fixated on the thong and fishnets.
Hosea, long stewing his roux, notices that Stefan’s just kinda chillin. Hosea thinks that means his will be better. I don’t know about that, but I do agree with him when he says that Stefan’s biggest fault is overconfidence. On cue, Stefan goes on a smoke break. Prettyish is annoyed, because Stefan’s not only taking a break, he’s using sausage from the walk-in instead of making his own. Come on Stefan, don’t bone it now. Daddy Tom comes in to check on progress and starts with Fabio.
He asks Fab if he learned anything about Creole cooking in Italy and Fabio answers that he studied some flavor profiles and plans to mix a little Italian in. Tom thinks Stefan’s choice to do dessert is risky, but Stefan tells us that’s bullshit and dessert is easy. First chef to ever say that on this show. I wish I had a clip of Josie crying like an idiot when she lost with her bizarre fruit dessert right now. Hosea doesn’t say much, but he’s sure to mention that his roux has been cooking for a long time, just in case he needs to drive a bus over Stefan later. As for Beaker, she’s still trying to shuck her oysters. When time is called, Beaker still hasn’t finished shucking and says she’s gonna McGuyver it. Head slap.
They get to their venue, and she doesn’t have much time to do anything else but shuck. Juanita starts singing Bocelli to keep her calm, but she also pretends that she’s blind like Bocelli and Beaker almost cuts her hand off. Well, she’d have Rosie’s vote!
The chefs are given bartenders to help them mix their drinks, but Fabio’s not having it. He doesn’t trust anyone. Stefan just wants to smoke. His constant smoke breaks have never been mentioned, so he’s gonna take some shit for that later.
How bout you tip me with cash, you cheap Nazi bastard?
Prettyish’s bartender tastes the cucumber mojito and doesn’t say anything. Prettyish is like “I think it’s good!”
Please don’t make me go back to Dildo Beach! I’m still limping! LOVE IT! SAY YOU LOVE IT DAMMiT!
The Judges come in and they’re all dressed to the nines. And surprise!! GAIL’S BACK!! SUCK IT TOBY! When Gail takes off her mask, Beaker and I both yell “I love you girl!” at the same time. She’s all skinny, too. Does her dress…FIT? WTF? Gail, I need your bad patterns. Daddy Tom’s in a suit, Scar’s dressed like a saloon hussie and Rosie’s never looked hotter.
Prettyish borrows some cream from Beaker after the less than stellar reception from his bartender and Hosea asks her for a whisk. Hosea forgot to bring a ladle to serve his gumbo. L. O. L. Ronda takes over and kinda shouts that everyone’s asking her for stuff but no one’s helped her shuck oysters. Stefan says he’ll help in one second and Ronda yells “one second! That’s what all men say!” HA. Ronda’s a ho. She probably drinks, too.
And when we’re done here someone better play a hand of canasta with me or I’m gonna whip out a can of whoopwhoop!
Guests start arriving at the ball and Beaker is enchanted. She’s happy that she gets a taste of Mardi Gras without having to deal with all the breast flashing. Then Ronda tries to pull up her shirt and Juanita joins in until Beaker grabs them both by their pony tails.
These bitches better cut the crap or there’s gonna be invisible blood all over this ballroom.
Fabio says all the peepholes in masks remind him of an old porno movie. Or Eyes Wide Shut, which wasn’t a porno but was just as much of a sin. Prettyish is first. He says that he’s usually a charmer with his guests, but since he doesn’t want to be gang raped on national tv he’s doing his best to stay in the kitchen. His bartender offers the judges “a flavored mojito”. Daddy Tom asks bt how it tastes. Beat. Beat. Beat. “It’s wonderful!” Prettyish makes me nuts, but I have to say his food looks much simpler than usual, and very pretty
The judges all like the mojito, and Rosie says Prettyish is very refined and talented and she promised her blog readers that she’d vote for him and bring him on the cruise so they can toss him round. Hey, boats don’t fill themselves with queens. Stefan’s next and says that he’s won ten challenges and there’s no way in hell he’s going home over gumbo. He goes for small bite sized portions. They look good, even though the beignet sort of resembles a spermatozoa.
The judges love the gumbo, even though the roux isn’t as dark as it should be. Fabio’s next, and he’s talking funny and being charming and hitting on some dude’s wife. He’s made a red bell pepper and rum cocktail called a Trinitini, which is a cute play on words. Too bad Emeril’s not here to get his Trinity reference. Rosie’s just gonna have flashbacks to the abusive nuns in Catholic School.
He’s going head to head with Stefan in the grits department. He’s also made caserecci pasta, which looks like broken fingers. It’s like Fabio’s trying to make Rosie cry. She’s tougher than that, jerk! Fab also made muffaletta bread. I can’t taste Fabio’s food, obviously, but it looks very…brown.
The judges say it looks wonderful and he answers “goood! I hope it taste like!” Rosie laughs and then gets serious. “I used to be friends with a woman who made me laugh with her funny talking. Her name was Barbara Walters. And she must die.” Fabio keeps the smile plastered to his face until they walk away. Then he turns to the bartender and asks who ees Bobby Waters?
They all like his food, but thinks it’s lacking heat. Beaker is trying to explain to her guests why she’s not serving alcohol, but no one wants to hear it. They are hootie-ing her! So cute. She insists that she made her food with love tonight, but remember what happened last time she did that? Not good. Love makes judges choke. She says that she’s topping her beignet with Emeril’s creole aioli, but Emeril is a no show. I hope Rosie likes his sauce. Who are we kidding? You know she’s got totally got him season passed on the Tivo. What else would she do all day besides throw pudding at her TV every time Hasselbeck comes on during the one hour that The View’s on?
When asked if she’s ever cooked Creole before, Beaker answers that she’s made Southern food and she’s got the black part down. HAHA. Then a midget hits on a fat chick. This show should always be in New Orleans.
The chefs love her work. Sweet!! You see? Let that be a lesson to you. Have faith! HOOTIE! Hosea tells us that he’s really studied up on his flavors and he’s positive that his gumbo’s the most authentic out of everybody’s. Then he makes that sexy face. You know the one.
If those buckteeth don’t get you hot and bothered, you’re made of ice.
Gumbo? Not black. Just saying. Best gumbo ever? He winks at the judges. EW.
The judges loved both his dishes, too. It seems like they love everything. I can’t wait to see them flip flop at Judges’ Table. In unrelated news, it looks like Ronda flashed her boobs to the entire football team.
That’s a lot of beads, too! Don’t tell me you were used as a sex object! That would be WRONG!
All the chefs feel good about what they did. The only one who has anything bad to say is Stefan, who tells us that he tasted Hosea’s gumbo and it sucked. As they all enter the room for Judges’ Table, we get a horrifying shot of Scar.
Eat something! Poor girl. That new stud of hers must like them bony. He’s one sexy beast, so she’ll starve herself to death to keep him. And who wouldn’t?
Prettyish is first to be grilled, and it’s made very clear that if doesn’t win his ass is back in the sling for good. He says that he used liquid nitrogen to make his mojito. I didn’t even notice that. I’m glad Stefan didn’t either or he would have tried to inhale that shit. Gail compliments his oysters and the taste of his crawfish. Everyone looks at Rosie, so she starts yammering on about how depression kills and should be viewed as a very dangerous disease. Tom stops her and asks what she thinks about the food. She adds that hanging upside down from rubber bungees can make blood flow to the brain and offers to demonstrate. She seems a little peeved when no one takes her up on that one and mutters that the sausage was good.
Tom agrees and appreciates that it was home made even though there was sausage in the walk-in. Prettyish says he wouldn’t win “if I stole someone’s sausage”. HAH. Someone grew a pair! Cymbal crash as Stefan looks at the floor.
Dammit that was my plan!
Fab’s complimented on his food but Scar says it needed more spiciness. He argues that he gave enough spice in his maque choux, but Tom wanted more. Fabio, sensing that he’s sinking, asks how they liked his drink. Scar says it smelled fantastic but the taste didn’t live up to the promise. Ouch. Fabio says that he probably needed more sweetness in the drink and Gail’s like uh no no no no more sweet. Then Fab backpedals, saying his biggest mistake is making things too a zweet.
Ow my ballz. I chood have a drez like Bridny aZpeer.
Things aren’t looking good for the Euros. Rosie just looks at Stefan and says “Grits? Gumbo? Grits?” but admits that even they don’t go together traditionally, it tasted good. Then she starts soap boxing about her new Lifetime movie about foster kids and says that there are more abused kids in the world than he knows. Stefan’s like ??. His beignet was too cold and his drink was too sweet. Stefan kinda laughs, shocked. Tom mentions that he noticed Stefan looking a little too relaxed and overconfident in the kitchen. Stefan gets defensive and says that he’s too old too be stressed. If it works it works and if it doesn’t it doesn’t. Tom thinks that answer is awesome.
Someone get Toby on the phone to bitch slap this ass with a bad pun.
Beaker gets nothing but praise. She starts by admitting that her oyster stew might have been too heavy, but the judges shut her up and Tom says it was perfect. Gail goes on and on about the beignet being wonderful and they even liked the non-alcaholic drink. Juanita opens her mouth to belt one out but Beak shuts her up. The judges aren’t even fazed. Hootie!
Hosea is also praised. His gumbo was perfect and his fish was beautiful. People look to Rosie and she’s eating a bucket of fried chicken. Hosea takes the judges’ stunned pause to blather on about how hard he word on his gumbo. The Euros aren’t even trying to hide their disdain.
The chefs are excused. Gail says they all did a great job, but someone’s gotta go. One of her favorites was Prettyish’s crawfish dish. Daddy agrees and says that he made a good effort but has to win this challenge to stay. He’s definitely in the top 3, but a win? Gail calls Beaker’s oyster dish perfect, and Tom says her beignet was a home run as well. He tasted care. But did he taste the love? Tom says Hosea’s gumbo was the best and they all loved the fish. Which leaves Stefan and Fabio in the bottom. Rosie sticks up for Stefan’s gumbo and then burps really loudly. Tom hands her a kleenex and agrees that the gumbo was decent. Gail calls his beignet inspired, but says that his food was soulless. Scar brings up his shite attitude and everyone hell yesses that.
Scar liked Fabio’s pasta, but the sauce didn’t have any tang. She gives him points for the bread, though. Daddy Tom gives the Euros credit for being strong competitors through the whole competition, but one or both has to go.
Glad to see Siegfried’s making a comeback.
Rosie says that she made promises of fresh meat to the queens on her cruise, so it kills her to not give the win to Prettyish. Beaker wins!!! YAAAAYYYYY!!! I’m so proud of her! She came from way way way out there and ended up earning her spot. Not by lucking out that people sucked less than her, but by winning! HOOTIE! Unfortunately, now she’s saddled with the Suzuki Sidekick, which is a box of death. I hope Ronda and Juanita talk her into cubing it immediately.
Juanita is giggling so hard she can’t even sing, Ronda’s staring off into space realizing that her dream of a new card table is about to come true, and Beaker is crying about how proud her family is gonna be. I have nothing shitty to say, and I’m thankful to you for that, Beak!
Prettyish starts crying and then begging and then screaming that this whole thing is a conspiracy and he’s being sentenced to a life of loose buns and degradation. Rosie, not missing a beat, shouts “You want a conspiracy!?! Try 9/11, you pussy! That was a conspiracy! Get outta heah!”
HOSEA’S IN! Wow. He actually did it. Well what good’s a finale without someone to hate? Tom slaps Stefan on the wrist for being a cocky asshole and not having the food to back it up and tells Fabio that he just plain missed the mark. Predictably, and it’s the only thing predictable in this episode (besides the bucket of chicken), Fabio’s out. I blame the NoHawk. He tells us he’s confident that Stefan will win because he was his only competition. HA. Then he goes back to the holding tank and tells Hosea the only reason he’s out is because the producers couldn’t stand the thought of two Euros in the finale so Hosea should be thankful. LOL.
Fabio is big about his loss. “Wane I look behind me, der is a lodda people, when I look in frone ova me dera is lace people.” Aw. I don’t know what he’s in line for, but I pray he gets to the counter soon. I hope you’re happy, judges. You just killed Fabio’s mother. Back at Judges’ Table, Rosie’s doing what she’s been waiting to do all night.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit