Top Chef Finale: Million Dollar Bear

Hi ‘Gasmii. *sigh* Where does the time go? It can’t possibly be a full six months that we’ve been meeting here to talk about Top Chef in one form or another, can it? Have we really been sitting here for twenty-four weeks straight analyzing the challenges, arguing about our favorite chefs and generally talking trash about people we’ve never met? Okay, I guess I’m initiating most of the trash talking and judgmental behavior here, but I don’t really think you can fully blame me. I quit smoking and then each ass cheek gained 20 pounds and now my poor office chair gives out a very audible groaning sigh every time I plop down to write another one of these recaps (I swear it almost sounds like “Ugh, you fat biiiiiitch“). But between the misunderstood vices, sex battles, patriotic soldiers, fussy Frenchmen, cowboy cookouts, deconstructed magicians, dinner parties, porky pinots, restaurant slaughter wars, vegetarian movie stars, casino circuses, culinary Olympics and crush parties, is it any wonder that we’re all flirting with exhaustion?…

…DirtyBear looks like I feel: fuckin’ fat & tired…

Okay, well, if I’m being honest, I look pretty fat & tired, too. You know, I’ve been pretty impressed with this season, it seems like they really put quite a bit of thought into the challenges and made the prizes worthwhile, and the talent pool has been far deeper than in any other season of this show…. which is why it was all the more disheartening to watch it all go to shit in the last episode. You’re not going to believe some of the fuckery they pull after the jump…

…and this is what many of us will want to do to ourselves by the end…

Let’s reiterate for a second what the three finalists are competing for: Food & Wine magazine feature, $100,000.00 in Macy’s merch, $125,000.00 in cold hard erectile cash and title of Top Chef. Plus the opportunity to come back as a guest judge in the next several seasons of the show to be megabitchy and make other poor hopeful chefs feel like shit. Slight bit of pressure here.

At the Meritage Resort, the guys are all waking up and getting ready for the day, and DirtyBear’s feeling good, he’s really excited that he’s one of the last three standing, and he’s also feeling pretty confident since he’s got the best record of all three (four QuickFire wins, five Elimination wins). You might think he’s getting ready to be all braggy and boasty and cocky and Michael-esque, but you’d be wrong, because he immediately mentions that Big Volt is an excellent cook and has amazing technique, while he says Li’l Volt is “one of the single most creative people I’ve ever met in my entire life.”…

…I’d agree, a hundred bucks says he’s thinking about cutting one of those bagels in half and making a pair of eyeglasses out of them…

As they eat their breakfast, DirtyBear wonders aloud what Bitter Jen is doing. Li’l Volt guesses she’s probably detoxing from the experience, and then has this amusing little sally to offer up…

…if I were Big Bry, I’d be juicing a grapefruit on Li’l Volt’s giant schnozz by now…

Certainly Big Volt is used to this kind of half-joking ribbing from his little shit of a brother, and he replies “I could say the same thing about you! Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh!” Li’l Volt takes this opportunity to smirkily point out to us that while Bry has won several Elimination Challenges (four) that he’s never won a QuickFire the entire season, whereas Awesome Blossom there has won two, so ppbbbfffllblt! all over Big Brother!

Big Volt himself tells the other two he thinks he’s going to have a lot of fun cooking in this last challenge. Boy is he counting his funickens before they’re funatched! Privately he says he’s really excited that both he and Her Michaelness are going to “finally get the opportunity to see who’s the best chef.”…

…while I wish we could finally get the opportunity to see what in the bloody hell is so interesting off to the side…

That’s been bugging me all season long. Is there a Topless Chef calendar hanging on the wall, or maybe some wanton Magical Elfette in a chair pulling some Sharon-Stone Basic-Instinct crotch-airing action? If that’s the case, then Bry’s face above suggests that it’s from the sequel rather than the original, because he looks vaguely nauseous (as audiences were across the nation).

With that, they all get dressed and head on over to the Rutherford Hill Winery where several illegal migrant workers are toiling to make some snooty white people rich, and keep the rest of us in enough boxed wine to blot out our guilt over it. They arrive to meet Daddy Tom and Scar standing in front of a teeny little table and looking extremely pleased with themselves…

…”You guys are soooo scrooooooowed!”…

Scar congratulates them on making it to the finals out of seventeen chefs, lays out the prizes again, and Daddy Tom says for their final Elimination Challenge they’re going to cook a 3-course meal…. “But we’re going to change things up a little bit.” This is where things are about to get seriously derailed. Seriously. Dee. Fucking. Railed.

You see, because instead of just doing the usual “cook the best meal of your life” thing that they’ve done in past seasons, in which they just let the chefs go and do what they do best without any bullshit restrictions or fucked-up handicaps, they’ve instead decided to rip-off the Food Network show currently run by former Top Chef judge Ted Allen called “Chopped” and force the chefs to make a dish from a “mystery box” of identical crap. They won’t have a clue what’s in the box, but they have to use all the ingredients…

…that is, if they can even see the ingredients after being forced to stare directly into the sun…

I may deny this later, but I actually agree with the next words coming out of Li’l Volt’s mouth: “Nobody wants somebody else telling them what to cook.” Seriously, that sucks rancid giraffe turds… all season long it’s been nothing but “Make a deconstructed vegan dish under 247 calories out of hot-dog condiments, gummi-candies and belly-button lint that tells the story of the Korean War, is also a literal manifestation of the word ‘antiphlegmatic’, and is inspired by the TV series Three’s Company. And resembles the Golden Gate Bridge. In an alternate universe.” And now, the “three most talented chefs evah” aren’t being allowed to just cook their fucking food. Out of all the people on six seasons of this fucking show, these were the three that should have just been turned loose. Is it evident yet that I’m slightly annoyed by this development?

Anyhow, Daddy Tom is still yapping that for their second course, they can do whatever they want (woo hoo) but for their third course… they hafta make a dessert…

…and no, bacon-topped pork chops over ham isn’t going to qualify…

DirtyBear turns my blood to ice when he trots out what is easily the most timeworn and clichéd lament of Top Chef: “I’m not really known for doing dessert so it’s not gonna be easy.” Not a good feeling in my belly right now. Because this only happens how often? Only every single season! Come on, chefs! Why is this always such a shocker??!?

Oh well, Scar jumps back in to tell them they’ll be cooking at a place called Cyrus, which has been awarded 2 Michelin stars, Best New Restaurant by Food & Wine magazine and a Golden French Fry Award. Daddy Tom says the diners are going to be some of the best restauranteurs in the U.S., “Trust me, for a young chef this is the opportunity of a lifetime. This meal can make your career. Or, I guess it could have, if we’d have just set you free to cook it.” Okay, he didn’t say that last part, but honestly that’s how it looks to me.

Then Scar gets all smirky and tells them that because it’s such an important meal, they’ve arranged for them to have some help…. and out come the entire cadre of eliminated chefs. Yes, they’ve got ‘em all there, including Scarred, WackEve, Not-So-Pretty, Biker Chick, Papi Cholo, Sattine, Island Mon Ron, MaryMann, Gay Ashlee, Sticky Wickett, Sexist Pigshit, 80′s Hooker, Fat Kid… and finally Now-I-Have-225,000-Reasons-To-Be-Bitter Jen…

…and look! She’s carrying the Knife Block Of Cheficideâ„¢…

DirtyBear quickly gets a handle on the gravity of the knife block, noting that amongst this group there are people who could definitely be an asset to the chef they are sousing for (such as BadAss Bitter Jen) and there are others that could be a huge detriment (such as most of the other people who were eliminated before her). But they shouldn’t have to worry about any of the really bad chefs, right? I mean, it’d be kinda unfair to saddle them with somebody who didn’t know their ass from a thermal immersion circulator during the most important challenge of the season that could make or break their culinary career, right? Right?!?!

Wrong.

Awesome Season Six Train, say goodbye to the Tracks Of Sense, and meet the Chasm Of What The Fuck, that’s exactly what they do intend, because Scar says they’ll be pulling random knives for two sous chefs, one to help them that evening, and one to help them the following day just before they serve their meals. Li’l Volt goes so far as to say “There’s a couple names that if I pulled the knife out and their name was on it, I’d prolly just slit my throat with it…”

…Dear God: Please to have Li’l Volt draw 80′s Hooker’s knife. Love, J-Mo…

DirtyBear is up first, though. And he immediately draws… oh fuck, he got Not-So-Pretty! He does a fair job of being diplomatic about it, though, telling us he’s not sure if her “skill set” is up to the challenge. I’d have been a little more vocal about being stuck with third-worst chef of the season who doesn’t know how to shuck clams. Big Volt turns around and immediately draws Bitter Jen, so he’s got every reason to grin like a great big dolt. Then Li’l Volt draws Biker Chick, who has dyed her hair an impossible blonde. Li’l Volt doesn’t seem to be perturbed, though, calling her a “work horse” who’ll be there to “fight the fight”. In his case I’m really hoping that “fight the fight = fuck his shit up”.

It’s time for DirtyBear to draw again, and he gets Gay Ashlee, who isn’t nearly as bad as Not-So-Pretty, especially since he clearly likes to take the Power-Bottomâ„¢ role in any relationship, so he’ll totally do whatever he’s told. Big Volt gets MaryMann next (no reaction, much like when she was on the show) and Li’l Volt’s last draw winds up being… fuuuuuck, he lucks out and gets Fat Kid, and now he’s grinning like mad…

…while the cruel reality of it all is crashing in on DirtyBear’s world…

Da Bear admits that he’s more than a little jealous of the sous-chefs the others got, especially since he’s so familiar with the styles of Bitter Jen and Fat Kid. This is not shaping up well at all, the Brothers Volt each landed a high-skill cheftestant, while DirtyBear’s stuck with a mediocre butt-kissing pillow-biter and a slow-as-mole-asses hack who steals other people’s pots of boiling water.

Let me just say it plain and simple: this shit sucks. Last season (a.k.a. Season Of Mr. Pertater-Head) they at least got to pick from other Top Three finalists. The season before (a.k.a. Season Of The Annoying Filthy Lesbian) they got to choose from incredibly talented restaurant owners, such as Bitter Jen’s boss, Eric Ripert. But now, it’s like instead of having Janet Jackson as your backup dancer, you’re now stuck with Tito Jackson. Or, in DirtyBear’s case, Tito and LaToya. It’s just not fucking fair.

Even less fair, they only get 15 minutes to plan their menus once they get a look inside the “mystery box”…

…which is filled with ingredients both random and vile…

Yeah, they’ve got some Pacific Rockfish (that looks clearly horrified) as well as some Dungeness Crab, Kabocha Squash, Meyer Lemon, Matsutake Mushrooms and a weird leafy herb called Anise Hyssop. Oh, and they have to use everything in the box in the dish. Now Big Volt’s the one who looks like he’s getting a headache as he tells us these ingredients seem rather obscure to try and meld together into one dish. I’ve never even heard of half that shit (my diet is remarkably Anise-free) so I’ll take his word for it.

They get 3 hours to prep with their first set of sous-chefs, and immediately MaryMann’s doing her best to help out Big Volt, who seems impressed by her fundamental techniques, going so far as to call her “a darn good cook”. Checking in with Li’l Volt, he says the thing throwing everybody off (you know, besides the dumbass sous-chef situation) is the stupid-ass “mystery box” crap (also unfair in my opinion) and he’s starting to get concerned about what exactly he’s going to make with that shit.

As for DirtyBear, things are not going well for him at all. No-So-Pretty’s basically been put in charge of chopping up some veggies for him…

…but it’s slow going, because it appears she’s trying to chew gum at the same time…

DirtyBear’s actually starting to get pissed at her apparent difficulties, which is surprising since he’s been on such an even keel this whole season. However, he’s clearly feeling like he’s having to a lot more work than he thought he would be doing, especially since he supposedly has a sous-chef to “help” him. He says his prep-list has about 20 items to be completed, and Not-So-Pretty’s only doing two of them. So she’s basically being about 10% helpful to him at this point. I mean, I suck at chopping vegetables, too, but if *I* had been there, I would have been giving him a bacon grease handjob while he worked, which would at least be 15% helpful, right? I know it would be for me, anyhow.

Oh well, nothing to be done about it now. As their time begins to run out, Big Volt says he knows winning is going to come down to proper execution, “It’s not the time to try things new.” Which of course leads into Li’l Volt saying once again how conservative Big Volt is, and acting like he himself is such a maverick risk-taker because he always kinda just does what he wants. Big Bry begs to differ, “I wouldn’t say that I’m playing it safe, I’d say I’m playing it smart.”

With only 20 minutes left, things are starting to get hairy (and possibly smelly) in the kitchen…

…and by that I mean I’m not sure if Biker Chick was doing something with their lemons or if she pressure-peed herself…

Li’l Volt’s walking through DirtyBear’s area and after glancing at his stove points out a sauce that’s about to boil over, which DirtyBear scrambles to fix. He’s starting to feel down because he’s not sure he can really rely on his Sioux-chefs, and hopes he can make up for it on the following day. At this point I’m just hoping he doesn’t grab a knife and make good on that cruelly empty suicide promise that Li’l Volt made earlier.

The next morning at the Meritage Resort, Da Bear and Big Volt are going over plans for how to best share the range they’re using to cook with, and DirtyBear tells us he’s really mad at himself, “I’ve lost half of my prep-time to being pissed off that Preeti wasn’t doing enough yesterday… and it might come back to bite me in the ass here.” Wow, so even though he’s been screwed and blued (he was already tattooed) by this stupid and unlucky twist in the game, he’s self-aware enough to realize that getting upset about it was pointless. And this, my friends, is why I love me some DirtyBear. He’ll admit when he’s made a mistake…

…unlike some other people, who would have been complaining all the way and making a list of ways to fatally stab Not-So-Pretty by now…

On the sunny side of the table, Big Volt says he’s feeling really good about where he’s at, his mise en place is all en place, he knows exactly how things are going to go, and he’s even got diagrams of how he’s going to arrange his food…

…”See, I’m going to put it on top of the plates…”…

Surprisingly, Li’l Volt’s starting to feel anxious because he still has no idea what he’s going to do for that damned “mystery box” dish. I can’t fault him for that, because I think it’s a fucktard of an idea as well. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door, and all three of them freeze, certain that Scar’s going to walk in and give them some new bullshit restriction… like they have to cook one-handed, or they can’t use a stove, or they’ll be working in a kitchen suspended from piano wire between two high-rise buildings that will be slowly revolving and catching on fire as they rappel down and deliver their dishes from the sky Mission: Impossible-style.

The Brothers Pussy Volt don’t even bother to get up from the table, so it winds up being DirtyBear who has to go over and open the door…

…where he goes from excited to puzzled in about two seconds…

It’s their mommies! Yup, MamaBear and Mother Volt have been flown in to see their little boys competing against each other. Everyone is made happy by this, and I must admit, it was one of the few moments in this episode that made me smile, especially seeing DirtyBear and MamaBear together…

…*snif* *sob* What? I always get a little leaky when I see a fellow Mama’s Boy. Shut up. …

Mother Volt immediately begins helping her boys get dressed to leave, and says it’s heart-wrenching at times because she wants them both to do well, but obviously only one can win. She’s trying to boost them by telling them “No matter what happens, you’re still brothers… and best friends!” Um, I guess she hasn’t seen much of the show yet, such as the Great Glad Wrap Battle Of Episode Eight. Or pretty much any of the other twelve episodes. Still, Big Volt agrees with her, he doesn’t want to damage his relationship with Li’l Volt over Top Chef. Meanwhile, Li’l Volt is bitching at Mother Volt that she isn’t rolling the cuffs on his chef’s coat correctly. I took one look at her and knew immediately that raising this kid has been a hard row to hoe for her. How did I know? Wellllll, let’s just say she looks a little…

…twitchy…

I don’t blame her one bit, I’d be looking a tad shell-shocked too if I’d been saddled with raising a little pissfuck like him.

Let’s check in with MamaBear and DirtyBear. I’m getting so skerd right now, ‘cuz Da Bear sounds like he’s on the verge of tears as he’s explaining to MamaBear how badly they all want to win, and how strong the Brothers’ technique is. MamaBear tells us it’s pulling at her heartstrings to see her son so emotionally caught up in the competition. She’s doing the best she can to lift his spirits, telling him to just be true to himself, be real, be our lovable DirtyBear, and how proud she is of how he’s done already and that he deserves to be Top Chef. Why does the front of my shirt keep getting damp? Anyhow, I’m loving me some MamaBear right now, I think she looks just like the kind of coworker that’s fun to hang out with and go drinking with and smoke cigarettes with…

…and polish off a bag of pork rinds with…

As he puts on his chef’s coat for the last time, MamaBear says she truly believes DirtyBear has what it takes to beat both brothers. Da Bear says he feels better now having seen her and talked to her, and hopes he can climb out of the funk he’s been in. “I’m gonna fight to the very last dish. Or go on a stabbing spree.” Okay, he doesn’t say that last part, but I wouldn’t blame him if he did.

Now they’re headed back to Cyrus, where they are greeted by a still-smirking Daddy Tom…

…and DirtyBear almost gets clocked by a low-hanging light fixture…

They’re not really happy to see him, because they know another chefbomb’s about to be dropped. Sure enough, he tells them that in honor of their moms being in town they’re going to add another course to their menu. Their new first course will have to be a dish inspired by their favorite childhood dish. Wow, for me that would be easy. All I’d have to do is figure out how to make a twist on Spaghetti-O’s. Like maybe making Spaghetti-X’s.

Anyhow, their time has started and they’re off! Fat Kid joins Li’l Volt, Bitter Jen sides up with Big Volt, and Gay Ashlee swishes his way over to DirtyBear so they can start their measly three hours of cooking time (which has been made even more measly by the addition of this new dish). Big Volt says growing up was not such a happy time since his folks were divorced pretty early on and Mother Volt had to be that pioneer of the 70′s, the Single-Working Momâ„¢…

…*gasp*…with fabulous feathered Farrah-hair!…

Heyyyy, there’s a Sister Volt knocking around out there somewhere! Anyhow, Big Bry says that the inspiration for his first dish is going to be tuna noodle casserole…

…and this is Little Big Volt escaping into the world cooking in order to drown out the sound of a broken home…

He says his mom’s version of the casserole had a lot of texture in it, and he believes that’s where he first learned about texture in food. This is kinda reminding me of my mom’s tuna noodle casserole, which she would make a variety of ways. Early on I made it pretty clear that I hated peas and did not like to eat them in any form (as if my excessive gagging and hawking and theatrically pinching my nose shut in order to choke them down didn’t illustrate my attitude clearly enough). Since my mom sometimes liked to screw with my head (I have no other explanation for it) she would purposely make the casserole with that fucking shell pasta, so then the peas would hide inside the shells, and it would take me forever to weed them all out into a nasty, cold, green little pile on my plate. Which I would then be forced to eat anyways. Sometimes life in the Mo household wasn’t exactly a bucket of caramel corn.

Anyways, as for Li’l Volt and his mom-inspired dish, he says he grew up totally hating broccoli, and that as a chef he likes to take foods he doesn’t necessarily love and recreate them in a way that he does like…

…and this is Little Li’l Volt trying to give us all the finger, but he’s too young to know which one…

His whole “recreate what you hate” theory makes exactly zero sense to me, there’s not a damned thing you can do to peas to make me wanna eat them (and no, not even deep-frying them would do it, they’d still taste all pea-ey) and why waste your time with shit like peas when you could be having steak, or fried chicken, or mac & cheese?

Anyhow, Li’l Volt’s still talking, saying that his mom made sure they had dinner on the table every night. He’s less praising of what she actually made, dismissively calling it “mom food” as he says “It’s not so much that the food was a culinary memory, it’s the fact that she always made sure that it was there.” Gee, and I thought *I* was a Master of the Backhanded Compliment! So basically, he’s pretty much saying “Thanks Mom for getting the food to the table every night on time, even if it was often the culinary equivalent of boiled donkey cock.”…

…as if what he’s making now looks any more appetizing…

Moving on to a far more human contestant, DirtyBear’s reminiscing about having grown up in a lower-middle class family (we have so much in common!) and mentions that he was accepted to go to college at M.I.T., but instead decided to become a chef. He was afraid MamaBear wouldn’t approve, but she was super-supportive of his choice and he’s sooo grateful to her for that…

…awwww, look how 90′s cute they were!…

If I were him I’d have been grateful if the show’s producers could have remembered that “Kevin” isn’t spelled with two i’s. I’m personally grateful that under all that beard hair he’s actually got a chin. Anyhow, his first course is inspired by the southern Sunday Dinners that he grew up with, and MamaBear apparently is a lot like J-Mo and just loves her some fried chicken skins, which I think sounds like a winner all the way.

Big Volt’s moving on to the “mystery box” dish, and he’s got Bitter Jen working for him today. He’s worried about the rock fish getting too dried out, so now he finally gets to show off his sous vide skillz…

…while Jen pretends she’s julienning Li’l Volt’s dick…

Li’l Volt’s also banging out his “mystery box” course. He’s saying something about how he wants to achieve a “scavenger hunt of flavor” with the dish, so that every time the diners take a bite they’re like “Wow… there’s rockfish and crab in here…*bite*… and lemon?…*bite*… plus an old boot?…*bite*… and a used rubber?…*gag*… half-filled with bull semen?” Or something along those lines…

…he best be looking for barf bags to stash under his plate…

Poor DirtyBear is having the roughest time of all with this bullshit course, he’s never worked with Matsutake Mushrooms before, he says they’re really tough and he doesn’t have a clue what to do with it or how to cook it. All my good feelings just swirled right down the drain when he said that, because I’m sure that Li’l Volt’s a fucking expert on 43 ways to cook tough-ass fungal growths. Their positions would have been super-reversed if the challenge had been to cook something with some soul in it. Anyhow, DirtyBear’s gonna soldier on…

…and hopefully pull something awesome out of his ass…

Gay Ashlee seems to be doing a much better job today than Not-So-Pretty did yesterday, DirtyBear’s pleased that he’s knocking out the 12 or 15 items that he’s got on his prep list. He’s pretty much made himself Kevin’s bitch for the day, and I’d say he’s got a half a hardon while doing it. Don’t believe me?…

…I’m telling you, total Power Bottom!…

For his do-what-you-wanna-do course, Li’l Volt’s decided to make squab with some kind of grayish-brown mushroom parts that have been molded into the shape of mushrooms. He’s talking a lot about “using refined techniques in a rustic way” which is funny, because I thought rustic was kinda DirtyBear’s domain…

…and what did I just say about his unholy focus on the fungus?…

Li’l Volt doesn’t say much of anything about how well Fat Kid is working for him, but I’m not surprised, because if Li’l Volt were to talk about someone else, then he wouldn’t be talking about Li’l Volt anymore, and that just wouldn’t do. I can’t tell you how glad I will be the day that *I* don’t have to talk about him anymore.

Oh well, in any case, DirtyBear’s choice is to head straight for the pig and pull out his best slow-roasted pork belly. He’s hoping he’ll nail it, because if it’s one thing he knows, it’s the Other White Meat…

…as he gazes lustfully at his favorite part of the menu…

Big Volt’s decided to depart from what the other two are doing entirely and cook up some Bambi meat with a couple of different preparations of veggies…

…I sure hope Bitter Jen is keeping her hands to herself instead of trying to take a double dip from the Voltaggio well!…

Then Big Volt mentions that he hunts, not for sport (natch!) “but to be more in tune with my ingredients.” Ahhhhh, I see. And I like to go to the sex club to be more in contact with the free towels…

…”Imagine you’re a deer. You’re prancing along. You get thirsty. You spot a little brook. You put your little deer lips down to the cool clear water…BAM! A fuckin’ bullet rips off part of your head! Your brains are laying on the ground in little bloody pieces! Now, I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son-of-a-bitch who shot you was wearing?!…

Sorry, I couldn’t resist, that’s one of my all-time favorite lines. Anyhow, with 27 minutes left, Li’l Volt’s tackling his dessert, which actually sounds quite tasty…

…”coulant” = “cake”… and this one has caramel inside!…

As for DirtyBear, he’s kinda staying with the pork vein for his dessert…

…which might be a few too many oinks for this crowd…

He says he’s kinda hell-bent on putting bacon in the dessert and jokes to Gay Ashlee that perhaps he’ll get an award from The Bacon Council. Is there such a thing? And where is my Lifetime Devotion Award from them? In any case, I’m not so certain that this kind of thing is going to go over well with the Judges. I’ve seen way too many episodes of Iron Chef America where some yutz tries to make bacon’n'ham ice cream, and it almost always ends in blechfaces all around.

Lastly, Big Volt’s whipping up a cheesecake, and unlike most cheftestants, he actually does seem to have some experience in the Pasty Pastry Arts…

…no wonder he likes white chocolate so much…

He believes that in order to be a well-rounded chef, they should have experience in pastry. I kind of agree with him, because this comes up every single damned season of this show, you’d have thought potential cheftestants would have started taking a few cake classes by now.

All right, time’s up, and here goes our final judging. Oh wow, they’ve also invited MamaBear and Mother Volt to join them at the table! Scar asks them for advance forgiveness for all the judges if they say anything critical about their sons’ food. She should be skerd, MamaBear looks like a total sweetie, but I’d be willing to bet she could snap Scar like a twig if she got a-riled! And Mother Volt makes sure to mention to Daddy, “Tom, I live in Vegas, I know where to find you.”…

…somebody’s not smizing!…

Perhaps that’s because Daddy Tom just realized Mother Volt’s been through 30 years of Li’l Volt so she’s likely to snap at any moment. Let’s bring out the chefs and introduce the judges…

…why does Daddy Tom look so bored?… and don’t some of the others look like they could be responsible for unleashing those hellions over on Jersey Shore?…

I didn’t give Scar a name tag because I’m royally pissed at her. You’ll find out why shortly. In any case, I think Big Volt just made warm weewee in his big boy pants over the sheer gravity of the people sitting at the table, and believes if they do well that one of these restauranteurs might snatch one of the chefs up and give them the opportunity to work for them. I’d think they’d have to be really hard pressed to give up having the autonomy of their own restaurants to go to work for someone else, but I suppose if they put enough zeroes after the annual salary…

Nevermind that, let’s get to the food, starting with DirtyBear…

…now that’s a Southern Teardrop!…

MamaBear’s already dug into hers and is rolling her head around in ecstacy, “Ohhhh delicious, son!” DirtyBear blushes redder than his hair and is clearly embarrassed as he mutters, “Thanks, Mom.” while the rest of the table giggles. I’m super-jealous now, cuz I bet she never hid peas in his pasta!

Moving along to Big Volt, he says Mother Volt was the “queen of the one-pot meal” and presents his dish…

…which would be easier to see if it weren’t a half-mile away…

Immediately afterwards it’s Li’l Volt’s turn to present, and he says that shockingly he was the pickiest eater in his family…

…which causes Mother Volt to have a mini-flashback…

Apparently Mom had to resort to bribing this little shit with an actual trophy in order to get him to eat his dinner for an entire month! Well, that kinda explains a little bit about why Li’l Volt is the way he is. Mommy-Mo would never have played that game with a young J-Mo, because she knew that starvation is a pretty solid cure for picky eating. Except where the fucking peas were concerned, for some reason I could never get a pass on those things, no matter what. Well, I guess that kinda explains a little bit about why I am the way I am, too. Anyhow, here’s Li’l Volt’s “reinvention” of broccoli…

…which looks like burnt leftovers…

After the chefs leave and starting with DirtyBear’s dish, Daddy Tom says everything worked nicely and that he keeps going back to the squash casserole because he keeps finding new flavors in it. Sam Nazarian says it took him directly to the South, which, duh, that’s what it’s supposed to do. Unless he meant South Armenia? Scar wants to know what MamaBear thinks, and Mama quite simply says that DirtyBear’s never served her a dish she didn’t like and that this dish totally reminds her of the Sunday Dinners he was talking about.

As for Big Volt’s Dish, Tiny Tewwible Toby says the only thing his father could ever cook was sardines on toast (which doesn’t sound very hard to do… jeez, make toast, dump sardines on it, voila!) and that that’s exactly what the dish reminded him of. I’m not sure that’s really a compliment. Dougie Keane (the owner of Cyrus) is also pretty non-complimentary when he says Big Volt’s was the least seasoned of the three, something that Donatella Arpoofhair concurs with. Mother Volt says it’s the first time she’s ever even eaten a sardine, and she was worried it was going to be too fishy-tasting. Luckily for her it wasn’t.

They discuss Li’l Volt last, and Samazarian says it didn’t work for him at all, while Stevie Starr complains that his shrimp was undercooked. DaddyBear Drew disagrees and thinks they were cooked just fine, and now Stevie’s giving him Death Glareâ„¢ and making a mental note never to eat at Myriad Restaurants ever again. Donatella Arpoofhair’s all a-flutter, though, saying that as a person who also doesn’t care for broccoli, he made her like it. Oh, and she also thought “the story was beautiful”. Ugh, someone’s clearly in the midst of a Sexual Sahara Desert right now. Scar asks Mother Volt if Li’l Volt really hated broccoli that much, and after taking a deep breath, her sighing reply is…

…”Michael hated everything.”…

BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Called out by his own mother! Then Scar decides to get even cattier by asking her which dish she liked better. Gail immediately says “That’s mean.” and MamaBear advises her to Take The Fifth, which Mother Volt immediately does. Then, amazingly, Scar thanks the mothers and they are sent away! What??!?! How rude! They only get to eat the first course??!? That’s like going to Chinese food and being sent home after you’ve had a fried won ton and a pot sticker. I’d have been screaming. In any case, it looks like Round One went to DirtyBear.

Back in the kitchen, the moms make their last goodbye hugs. Mother Volt worries about how each of her sons is feeling (I wouldn’t worry much about your younger kid, as I seriously doubt he cares what anyone else thinks) and MamaBear says she’s been looking forward to having DirtyBear show the world what a Southern Boy can do with simple food. Even more adorable is the Big Gay Snap’N'Head Rollâ„¢ she added to the words “Southern Boy” when she said it…

…you go, Mama!…

Time for the second course, the “Unnecessary Bullshit Box” “Mystery Box” dish, beginning with DirtyBear…

…I can see why he had trouble with those dildo-esque mushrooms…

…followed again by Big Volt…

…strangely enough, he doesn’t mention using the mushrooms at all…

…and bringing up the rear is Li’l Volt…

…ugh, more snail-trails…

Donatella Arpoofhair speaks up that the broth is clearly the star of DirtyBear’s dish, and DaddyBear Drew says the essence of the flavors was fantastic. Then Donatella bitches that she bit into his mushroom and it killed it for her. Daddy Tom agrees that DirtyBear clearly didn’t know what he was doing with the Matsutaki because it was so tough, and Billy Terlato lamely jokes that he needed a “hyatchit” to cut it. That accent convinced me, he’s definitely “connected”… to Jersey Shore. Daddy Tom ends things by saying the fish was nicely cooked and it was a “good dish”.

As for Big Volt’s dish, Dougie Keane is once again wishing for more seasoning on it, and guesses maybe Big Bry’s “not an aggressive seasoner”. Samazarian complains that it’s like a blind date you just don’t want to go on, and that the plating is bland as well. Stevie Starr thinks his fish was cooked the best, though. However, Gail thinks it was the “safest” of all the dishes and didn’t inspire her. I notice she’s wearing yet another ill-fitting too-tight dress, so I’m not going to listen to her talk about safety issues tonight.

Li’l Volt seems to have hit this one out of the park, because Daddy Tom thinks his combination of the Meyer Lemons with the Squash was amazing, and his fish was also perfectly cooked, and he used a thin crispy strip of the Matsutake mushrom. Dougie says the balance of the sweet and sour was great and it popped in his mouth. I was waiting for Scar to trot out her joke from a few episodes back about things popping in her mouth, but she wisely keeps quiet about that. When Dougie finishes that it was his favorite dish of the course, I’m going to have to say that Round Two went to Li’l Volt.

Time for the third course, the Chef’s Choice…

…which, for DirtyBear means porkish porkety porky-pork…

…which leads into Big Volt’s braised BambiMom…

…and now all I can hear is Marisa Tomei’s shrill Joiseyvoiceâ„¢…

…and we end up again with Li’l Volt’s attempt at “rustic”…

…which still manages to look prissy and feminine…

Scar starts out by saying that they can’t say this course of Big Volt’s doesn’t have any seasoning, because apparently he hit just the right note this time. DaddyBear Drew thinks he cooked his venison perfectly, Tiny Tewwible Toby likes the nice, rich pungent flavor, and Daddy Tom notices all the work Big Bry put into making each vegetable two ways.

As for Li’l Volt’s scented squab, DaddyBear Drew calls it “excellent”, and Samazarian thinks it had all kinds of great complex textures. On the other hand, Gail says the mushroom puree (that he molded into the shape of a mushroom) didn’t actually taste like a mushroom. Donatella Arpoofhair thinks it’s gimmicky (thank you!) and that gimmicks aren’t necessary at this level of cooking. *happy dance*

Unfortunately for DirtyBear, Stevie Starr thinks he didn’t cook his pork long enough, he says it was too hard for him. Odd, coming from that queen’s mouth. Billy Terlato loved the richness of the sauce, while Dougie Keane liked the sweet’n'sourness of it, and thinks Da Bear did a great job of balancing the porkfat with enough acidity. This is a tough call, but from the looks of things, Round Three went to Big Volt.

Back in the kitchen there has been a screw-up on Team Li’l Volt, because as his cakes are baking he notices that Fat Kid has filled the molds too high with the batter and they’ve puffed waaaay up. Even worse, he’s overbaked them! Ohhhhh, this should make things very easy from here on out!…

…music to my eyes…

Nothing to do but serve, and here comes DirtyBear’s dessert…

…mmmmm, Skidmark City!…

…that leads into Big Volt’s cheesecake…

…which is still too far away to judge…

…and the very last dish of Top Chef Season 6 belongs to Li’l Volt…

…is that an unwrapped Kraft caramel in the back that he’s trying to pass of as his own?…

Stevie Starr starts in immediately on DirtyBear’s dish, saying he knows that chefs like to do shit like that, but he doesn’t want pork in his dessert. Only in his ass, I guess. Gail says she did like the flavor and texture of the bacon krispies, but Daddy Tom thinks for some reason the banana wasn’t enough, that he should have done it two different ways. Heyyy, didn’t Elvis like bacon’n'banana sammiches?

As for Li’l Volt, Stevie loves his candied punkin seeds, but Dougie Keane clocks the fact that the cake was dry, and Scar agrees, she thinks it needed more creaminess inside of it. Daddy Tom says he’s familiar with this dessert and that it needs to be served immediately after it comes out of the oven, or else the caramel gets sucked into the cake and dries everything out. His parting shot on the dish is, “It was almost a very good dessert.”

For Big Volt’s cheesecake, Stevie Starr thinks it was “pleasant”, and Dougie appreciates the finesse and beauty with which it was made. Gail’s orgasming over the fig sorbet, calling it “heavenly” and believes it showed the skill of a real pastry chef’s dish. I’d call Round Four for Big Volt, and it’s looking like maybe he’s pulled the title. We’ll see in a moment.

The chefs all come back out and get applauded for the meal. Scar thanks them and they leave to head over to Judges’ Table. Interestingly enough, both DirtyBear and Big Volt are very happy with the food they made, and believe they showcased who they are as cooks… while Li’l Volt’s feeling disquiet that he didn’t do as well as he could have, noting that the worst thing he served (his overbaked dry-ass cake) was the last thing they ate.

…Poor thing. NOT!…

Because I’m running out of room and it’s currently 4am, I’m going to skip the critiques at the Final Judges’ Table, because they pretty much echo everything that was already said at the meal (at least what we saw via editing anyhow) and go to the part where Scar asks each of them why they should be Top Chef. Big Volt says his dishes have shown a lot about his style and his food philosophy and he hopes that’s good enough to win.

Then Li’l Volt deadpans “I just don’t want Bryan to be Top Chef.” and everybody (at the Judges’ Table anyhow) cracks up. Personally, I thought this was indicative of exactly why he should not win. I realize he was half-joking, but I sincerely believe there was an element of egotistical truth to that statement, and it was just a tacky thing to say (and it makes me mad when people do that, because tacky is my territory). Then he babbles a bunch about how he is food, and it’s his emotion, and blah blah blah pick me bitch bitch because I’ll have a tantrum if you don’t whine whine whimper. As for DirtyBear, he simply says he loves food as well, but more for the comfort it brings people and how it can pull people together, and he hopes that his dishes have shown the soul of who he is.

Scar sends them away, and the apparent truth of it is beginning to set in on DirtyBear, because he congratulates Big Volt on having had a great season and says he thinks he’s won it. We aren’t led to believe anything differently, because they pretty much seem to call it 1. DirtyBear 2. Li’l Volt 3. Big Volt 4. Big Volt. They get called back in, and after laying out the prizes yet again, my heart leaped into my throat when Scar looks at Da Bear and says “Kevin…”

…”…you are NOT Top Chef.”…

What a fucking bitch! My jaw was hanging all the way down to the floor, not just because he lost (I didn’t expect him to win after their comments) but because of the fact that they have NEVER done that to a Top Three finalist before. Magical Elves fucked up with that one, he didn’t deserve to be slammed like that, and he’s been very candid about how that made him feel. I don’t blame him, either, that was just plain shitty of them to do.

Still, he handled it like a pro and shook hands with everyone, before heading back to the temporary Stew Room where he gets a hug and some love from MamaBear. Bye bye, DirtyBear, I think you just got robbed.

Which leaves us the Brothers Volt. Daddy Tom makes my jaw drop open when he tells them what a pleasure it’s been to work with BOTH of them this season and how professional BOTH of them have been. Clearly he hasn’t seen the shows, either, or he’d be telling these things to Big Volt alone. Then he turns to Scar for the final pronouncement, and she says “Michael….”

…”…you ARE Top Chef.”…

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWDDD-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMNN-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKIN-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHH-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, ‘Gasmii, but I let out a similar howl at the TV that same night. Biggest WTF moment of the entire YEAR for me, and I can’t believe that after clearly screwing up his cake, he still gets handed the win! And he barely even reacts! He claims he’s more proud of the fact that he and Big Volt made it to the end together than he is of winning the whole show. Which would explain why he’s been tearing his brother down the entire season and being a total prick. Ugh. HATE.

…and guess what, Bravo? America disagrees with you, too!…

So sad and upsetting, I was honestly in a depression for the entire two days following the airing of this episode, because I kept remembering the comment that Big Volt made several episodes back in which he said he was “tired of [Li'l Volt's] unprofessional behavior being rewarded.” and now they’ve given him one of the biggest rewards of all.

Oh well, that’s how reality TV is. Daddy Tom had to give a huge explanation in his blog for a bunch of stuff we never saw to try and justify why Michael won. All I can say is, no more siblings on this fucking show.

And there we are! What did you think of this episode? Did you agree with the Li’l Volt win, or did you think Big Volt should have clinched it? Was the “mystery box” challenge as annoying to you as it was to me? And did you think it was unfair that they were saddled with potentially disastrous sous-chefs? And can you believe we’re stuck with Li’l Volt as fucking Top Chef?

I will be recapping the Reunion Episode this week, and then taking a bit of a break, but you may see a couple of things here and there. Then I will return for sure in February when Season 3 of Shear Genius starts up. Thanks for all your support and comments guys, I love you for spending time and hanging out with me.

love, J-Mo