Top Chef: It All Comes Back To Food & Whine

Hello again foodie fans! I just got back from the wonderfully cold, windy and rainy city of Indianapolis where I was attending yet another drag queen pageant. This one is specially geared towards fat guys who like to wear pretty dresses and who strike terror in the hearts of late-night drive-thru employees everywhere. Over the course of the week I: a.) ate some deep fried pickles and squid (the squid was a little overcooked and therefore chewy and somewhat retch-inducing), b.) got lost about sixty times just trying to make it from the host bar to the hotel (downtown Indy is confusing) and c.) I saw a one-legged drag queen nearly win the entire thing when she plopped down into the splits and intentionally popped off her prosthetic limb! I am still kinda creeped out about that last thing, and I can’t even believe I’m writing the words “one-legged drag queen” in a sentence…

…and even worse, I’m afraid when it happened I probably had the same expression on my face as Sexist Pigshit here…

…and because the IUPUI University Place Hotel doesn’t get Bravo, I wasn’t able to even watch this week’s episode of Top Chef until I got home yesterday. And I must say, I was pissed when I finally did. For starters, we’ve got Gay Ashlee being a total tard, the Volts are at each other’s throats, and Fat Kid proves once and for all that he’s a complete asshat. Plus, the outcome of one of the challenges is gonna be super-annoying after the jump…We start off being reminded of this little tidbit of Big Voltlore…

…oh, can’t I??…

…followed by Li’l Volt being just as much of a diva as some of the fat bitches I saw backstage this week…

…although I give him props for being classy enough not to park his fucking feet on the coffee table…

This is what happens when you hand out a trophy to everybody for just showing up at the Little League game these days. Nobody seems to know how to be a graceful loser anymore (okay, in this case, a graceful almost-loser) which seems to be why Li’l Volt is all freaked out that he wound up on the bottom and could have gone home. Or maybe he’s just trying to shake off the experience of being eye-fucked by Gay Ashlee for four hours straight. Either way, he’s determined that that’s never going to happen to him ever again, “You know, Babe Ruth has struck out once or twice in his career and he left a legacy behind, and I plan on doing the same thing…”

…either Padma’s name smells bad, or he’s just remembered that Babe Ruth also left behind some size 50 undies…

Because we just haven’t had enough chances to learn about what makes Fat Kid a tick, we see him talking on the Sidekick Of Death (© 2008 Flipit) with his mom, whom he says he’s real close to. Serial Killer Warning Sign #1? Check. Then he drops this little bomb, “I know it’s kinda hokey, but I live with my parents.” Wow, most adults would be way too embarrassed to admit such a thing on TV (and Serial Killer Warning Sign #2? Check.) but Fat Kid isn’t ashamed at all, “It’s actually really great, like, I don’t mind ‘cuz I don’t pay rent and shit, so….”

…”And I have this really awesome fort that I made out of the couch cushions in the basement!”…

Mmmmyeah, I don’t think “hokey” is quite the correct term, I believe the word he’s looking for is “pathetic”. Because really, it’s super-cool to be a 25-year-old executive chef pulling down a full salary who still lives with Mommy and Daddy and yet contributes nothing to their household, isn’t it? I guess that’s the kind of badass life-experience that allows him to pass judgment on people twice his age who have survived life-threatening illnesses. I mean, who does he think he is, a recapper?

Oop, I’ll pull back for a moment, ‘cuz he’s still bitching to his mom about how much “emotional stress” he’s going through (which translates to “There’s no one to wash my poo-poo undies for me.”) and that he’s suffering from “a lot of frustration”…

…which clearly means “No one here seems to be impressed with my skill in over-gelling my hair.”…

…or else, like Gay Ashlee, he’s also been unable to find enough privacy for peen-play, and now his own moobs are starting to turn him on. In any case, Fat Kid manages to also become a master of irony by correctly assessing that appearing on Top Chef can change one’s entire culinary career: “If you do really poorly, you’ve gotta live with being the dude who did really poorly on Top Chef for the rest of your life.” That’s very astute. However, it’s equally strange that he doesn’t seem to understand how acting like a total tool might also have some negative impact on your future career as well. Not to mention people wanting to kick your ass on the street. Dumbass.

Oh well, speaking of Chefs Who Are Known For Doing Poorly On Top Chefâ„¢, let’s check in with 80′s Hooker this morning. She’s out in the shady part of the backyard and doing her Pilates exercises, which she says are extremely important to her because of her health issues. She’s also mentioning how terrified she was when she was diagnosed with cancer that it was going to be an immediate death sentence, but she fought through it and survived, and says that experience has made her appreciate herself and her skills all the more. Aww, that is so sweet, I just really really wish she had more going on in the “skills” department to back that up…

…other than her obviously well-developed self-delusional skills…

…and before anybody gets mad that I’m saying that, I must tell you that 80′s Hooker still believes that she’s got a chance to win this whole show. Over DirtyBear. And the Volts. And Bitter Jen. See what I mean? Ah, well, time is running out and this is Vegas, her luck ain’t gonna last forever.

So they head on over to the “M” Resort (where their unofficial motto is “Getting Here Is Half The Day!”) they meet up with Scar and today’s guest judge, and holy fuck, it’s mailman/sex god Cliff Clavin from Cheers!…

…and, he’s apparently still pissed that Normie and Woody got all the best lines…

Kidding! That’s Charlie Palmer, who’s a big shot restauranteur (welllll at least the screenshot says so… me, I’ve never heard of the guy) and Li’l Volt tells us that Cliffie’s the “pioneer of American cooking” and that he’s the one responsible for awesome young American chefs (such as himself, natch!) being able to achieve worldwide recognition as actual chefs and not just cooks. And get this: both of the Volts have actually worked for him at one time or another, and yet he’s insisting to the rest of the cheftestants that he’s gonna be impartial and not let that little tidbit color his judgment. Bitch, puh-leeze! I would SO have been calling bullshit all over that one immediately! Unless the guy hated both of the Volts and then I’d think it was totally cool.

However, I don’t think that’s the case, because Big Volt mentions that he worked for Cliffie there for about ten years, so my whole hatred fantasy just blew out of the window like a hooker in a drive-thru. Big Bry says Cliffie’s a total perfectionist, so he’s going to be intrigued to see what they’re going to have thrown at them today.

Well, Scar tells us that today’s round is going to be all about “the art of paring”. Cool! Maybe they’ll have to try to peel an apple with a single long stroke? Oh crap, wrong word. It’s “the art of pairing” which Cliffie explains is a super-important part of menu-planning. How else would someone have come up with things as amazing as “chicken & dumplings” or “steak & potatoes” or “macaroni & cheese”. Sorry, I’m so hungry right now that I could eat all three of those off the same trough plate.

In any case, Scar says natural pairings are not easy, and therefore they’re not going to make things easy for the cheftestants, either. Their Quickfire Challenge today involves them having to make a dish incorporating “a snack food”. I was all set to love the Magical Elves producers if those snack foods had been CheeTos, Funyuns and Beer Nuts, but no, it turns out they have to use these “Alexia” brand snacks that I’ve never heard of…

…most likely because they have that weird word “natural” on the packaging and are apparently made with actual vegetables…

Besides being a thinly-veiled and therefore huge product placement/commercial for these damned Alexia Snacks (that clearly taste nothing like Doritos or Fiddle Faddle or Ho Hos) Gay Ashlee claims they’ve been eating them around the McMansion for the last several days and that they have “lots of flavor” and will be “incredibly complex” to pair with a dish. I never thought I would ever hear anybody say that about, you know, waffle fries…

…but based on the chef’s faces, I guess this must really be a challenge…

Although, to be fair, I’d be willing to bet Sexist Pigshit is just staring at Scar’s tits. I’d be staring at her fabulous white go-go boots. Anyhow, they have 45 minutes for this challenge and are turned loose! Big Volt goes on a really loooong ass-kiss of how amazing Cliffie is and how he really wants to impress him, so he’s thinking of making “steak onions” to pair with the Alexia’s Onion Strips.

Fat Kid’s telling us he’s going to make a clam-celery salad with a potato-leek soup, and feels the need to explain to us morons (who foolishly and independently support ourselves) that a good pairing means the foods either complement each other or match exactly, whereas a bad pairing means the foods clash with each other, “Think about eating marshmallows with a steak.”…

…thanks for the condescendingly simplistic example there, Elieinstein…

Naturally, Fat Kid trots out his awesome culinary school training, and how he’s worked for “a buncha different chefs” who helped him develop this specific skill, and takes a moment to look around and sneer at the others, “I think a lot of people don’t understand, you know, what works with what, and why it works with what…” Yeah, and you’ve won how many challenges? Oh yeah, that’s right! Exactly zero.

Gay Ashlee’s recalling his recent experiences of being a botto- er, I mean being in the bottom, and thinks that a big part of his problem has been that he looks around at what everyone else is doing and winds up getting influenced by them and their ideas. Plus, you know, it’s hard to keep your mind on cooking when you’ve got major tent-pole for your teammate. Now, he’s made up his gay mind, “Moving forward, I’m gonna do my food!” I just wish he’d show a little gay pride and maybe wear some assless chaps while doing it.

Back over at Bitter Jen’s station, she’s getting that sinking feeling again, which means she either having a relapse of her swine flu, or this Quickfire is not going well for her at all. She’s worried that she cooked her pork chops way too early and if they sit for too long they’re going to wind up sailing on into OverCookedVille. She’s hoping as time is called that Scar and Cliffie will come to bizzit her first and prevent this tragedy from happening, but her prayers go unanswered and they head on over to Fat Kid’s station instead…

…oh please, everything goes great with white truffle!…

Scar slurps it down (she’s eating for two now, right?) and Cliffie says he likes the nice smokiness of the dish. He doesn’t say whether or not it goes well with these pale imitation Not-So-Funyuns.

DirtyBear used the same snack and is giving them his version of a green-bean casserole…

…only he uses a StuffyCheffyâ„¢ word for it…

I’m unsure if it’s a hit or not, because all they do is thank him and move on to Big Volt’s dish…

…how ingenius of them to use a plastic pencil-shavings holder for their onion snacks!…

Not only did he serve the dish with the onion strips on the side, he also crumbled some on top of the steak. Cliffie comments on how popular the Not-So-Funyuns are with everyone and Big Volt agrees. Then Cliffie zings him with “You think that’s because it’s a safe choice?” and Big Volt suddenly gets that It-Smells-Like-My-Colostomy-Bag-Just-Popped-Lookâ„¢ on his face…

…or maybe in this case that should be the It-Smells-Like-Your-Colostomy-Bag-Just-Popped-Lookâ„¢…

Jeez, what is it with these people’s unholy fear of Cliff Clavin? Christmas-on-a-cracker!… He’s got a Village People ‘stache and a bad 70′s Consort-For-Men haircut. You’d think he was gonna haul off, amputate someone’s ear and start gnawing on it the way everyone’s tiptoeing around him. Anyhow, Big Volt insists he chose the Not-So-Funyuns because they really were his favorite snack, not because they were easy to use.

You will note that 80′s Hooker, having faced down the other Big C, clearly has no fear of Cliffie or his opinions as she proudly tells him she chose the jalapeño onion snacks because she wanted to “play with the sweet and the spice”…

…and another reason 80′s Hooker isn’t afraid is because she’s a giant nutball who serves glorified guacamole in a wine glass…

Scar points out that this is kind of like a parfait, and Cliffie casually mentions that it “has quite a tang.” Ruh-roh. Meanwhile, Bitter Jen is sadly watching her porkchops metamorphose into doorstops and is sharpening a knife to slit her wrists with.

Shockingly, Sexist Pigshit isn’t doing Greek food this week! I know, I totally checked outside to see whether or not the sun had exploded, too! Yes, instead of relying on his normal Greeky crutch, this week he’s made a play on a Mexican dish called “chilaquiles” that he’s paired with the hot pepper waffle fries…

…which my first boyfriend (who was Mexican) said he used to call “Chilly Willies” when he was just a li’l niño…

Cliffie’s eating it and proclaims it to be really spicy… “There’s some heat there.” Pigshit looks like he’s just spewed a truckload of wet 18-wheeler skidmarks in his FTLs and says idiotically “Yeah, that’s the guajillo sauce.” Then he makes a great big tardface…

…like it’s definitely 4 minutes to Wapner and he nowhere near a TV…

And now I love Cliffie just a little more for making him do that. So what kind of awesome creation did Li’l Volt make?…

…well, it looks suspiciously like the egg of one of Siguorney Weaver’s little outer-space friends…

I’m waiting for a mutant crab to come bursting out of the top and latch on to the front of Cliffie’s face. All Li’l Volt gets is a “Thank you.” and no further comment.

So what is Gay Ashlee food like when he’s sticking by his own instincts and not second-guessing himself?…

…ummm, it’s a lot like chips’n'dip?…

This is his bold statement on food? Yeah, Cliffie immediately cornholes him, saying the barbecue waffle fries are overpowering the mellowness of his dip soup. Perhaps Sticky Wickett will have better luck…

…except hers looks like my bulimic kitty already had a go at it and didn’t like it…

Plus, didn’t she get the memo that since 1990 you can’t make anything containing fava beans without someone glaring at you and saying “It puts the lotion on It’s skin, or else It gets the hose again.”??!? Ah well, maybe it’ll toughen her nipples.

As if we didn’t know she was going to be last, let’s see how they like Bitter Jen’s hunks of dried-out fried-up footballs…

…too bad she couldn’t have paired it with pork rinds…

She’s super embarrassed to be serving overcooked meat to Cliffie and Scar and warns them beforehand, “You might need a little more sauce for the porkchop.” After attempting to choke some of it down Cliffie says “It could have been a little less in the pan.” and Scar gets all bitchy, “Yeah, it’s a bit overdone.” Oh come on Scar, don’t even act like you’re not used to putting leathery old oblong things in your mouth!

Not surprisingly, Cliffie’s least favorite dishes are 80′s Hooker’s (“The textures were very creamy and the relationship with the chip I didn’t get.”), Gay Ashlee’s (“There was something very peculiar about the combination of ingredients… they didn’t work well together.”) and Bitter Jen’s (“Conceptually I think the dish was a good idea… that wasn’t executed well.”…

…I can’t blame her for looking suicidal, I’d feel the same if I were lumped in with 80′s Hooker and Gay Ashlee, too!…

As for the ones who did impress Cliffie, well, there’s Fat Kid. Wait, Fat Kid??!? I’m not even going to transcribe what he said about that snotty looking dish because he just took the love I had for him and threw it all away. Also, after all of his showy pretend-ass-fucking of Big Volt for going “the safe route”, it turns out he loves his dish after all. Impartial and unbiased my ass. The only one who wound up in the Top Three that I don’t think is bullshit is DirtyBear with his fancy-schmancy version of green-bean-casserole. And the winner of today’s Quickfire Challenge (pleaseohpleaseohpleaseletitbeDirtyBear) is…

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!

…HATE…

Yeah, fucking Fat Kid is the winner, and says after he was in the bottom last week he feels like this win is a bit of vindication for him. That’s totally premature, but then again, I suspect that’s not the only thing Fat Kid does prematurely. Well, at least it wasn’t a High Stakes Quickfire, so he didn’t win a bunch of money, and in fact there doesn’t appear to be any prize this week at all (not even immunity!). So HA!

At any rate, for the Elimination Challenge they have to draw knives, and everyone winds up picking different parts of the pig, such as “tenderloin” (Gay Ashlee), “ribs” (Big Volt), “cheeks” (Li’l Volt), “butt” (Sticky Wickett), “belly” (Fat Kid, natch!), “center-cut chops” (80′s Hooker), “shoulder” (Sexist Pigshit) and “leg” (DirtyBear).

Bitter Jen actually gets a small piece of luck when her knife says “wild”, which at first I thought meant she was going to have to go capture and kill a wild pig, but really it means she gets to pick any part of the pig she wants to cook. She decides to go with pork belly as well, ostensibly because it has a high fat content and will stay nice and juicy. Of course Fat Kid immediately accuses her of “creeping in” on his space! Like he (and no one else) was born to cook pork belly. Putz.

He better put his bullshit on layaway, cuz DirtyBear says that his favorite thing in the world is pork, he serves it at his restaurant more than any other protein, and in fact he has a picture of a pig tattooed on his arm…

…and then he has a mini-porkgasm…

This is good news for him, because for their Elimination challenge they are going to be pairing up two of Cliffie’s favorite things: pigs and pinot noir wine. It turns out Cliffie runs an annual charity event actually called “Pigs & Pinot” that he says is “very intensely looked upon by a lot of culinarians.” This year they are also working in conjunction with Food & Wine Magazine (oooh, do we get Gail back again?) and it’s going to be all about creating a dish that pairs well with pinot noir. Man is he lucky he’s come along this season, ‘cuz last season Hoser would have found a way to turn it into Potatoes & Pulltabs.

Still high off his first win, Fat Kid thinks this is great news and believes he’s just gonna nail the pairing and plans to be the first cheftestant to win back-to-back Quickfire and Elimination Challenges. Sure, and then maybe this will happen…

…sadly, I couldn’t find a picture with them coming out of a giant ass…

So, to get ready for their challenge the cheftestants head on over to Cliffie’s restaurant that’s called Areola at the Mandalay Bay…. sorry, that’s Aureole (eh, means the same thing, really) which is world famous for it’s “Wine Tower” that comes equipped with “Wine Angels” who are forced to wear harnesses and get hoisted via cables all over the inside of this three-story “Wine Cave”…

…because everybody likes a little crotch-sweat to go with their pinot noir…

Of all the ridiculous things to build, this has got to be near the top of the list. Like the wine tastes any better because it was stacked three stories high instead of horizontally. However, I must admit that a.) it looks cool, and b.) “Wine Angel” is the best euphemism since “Mixologist” for making a plain old “bartender” sound fancy-schmancy! In any case, once the chefs all gather inside ol’ NippleCircle, they are introduced to Cliffie’s Master Sommelier William Sherer, who has thoughtfully laid out nine different pinot noirs for them to all taste.

They spend the next ten minutes with everybody doing that thing where they are looking very serious and swirling wine in their glasses and holding it up to the light to squint and peer at it and very gravely sniffing it and carefully swishing it around their mouths and then stupidly pouring it out into an urn instead of getting their draink on. Ok, yes, I will admit it: I am totally not the guy you want to bring along with you on one of those “wine-tasting” tours because I don’t really see the point of it unless you can get hammered for free. In fact, I’d probably be grabbing that urn they’re all dumping their wine into and making my own suicide-mix wine shooters. And I’d probably bust out a bag of Funyuns, too…

…looking for that perfect balance of coquettishly fruity, yet impudently porcine…

Whatever, now that they’re done with all that pretentious bullshit it’s time for them to choose what variety of pinot noir they’re going to use with their dishes in the Elimination Challenge. Big Volt chooses first and goes with a 2007 Ravioli-O, which causes Li’l Volt to shake his head like that was a dumbass move. Gay Ashlee chooses a 2007 Sanford & Sons, while Fat Kid loftily selects a 2007 Tall Latté and takes a few more moments to annoy us by crowing about how awesome he is at wine-pairing. We get it already Fat Kid, you think you’re going to win this one, now STFU!

DirtyBear’s picked out something called 2006 Soaked Blotter and Sexist Pigshit’s decided on a nice 2005 Walrus River. Bitter Jen heads right for a 2005 CharmaTron Clobbered Bess followed by Sticky Wickett deciding on a 2005 Blowsy Fez and Li’l Volt making a beeline for a 2006 Groovy Song. So what’s a wacky gal like 80′s Hooker gonna pick? Why, the 2005 Mischief & Mayhem, natch! What’s even weirder is the fact that that’s really what it’s called, it’s the only variety name I didn’t fuck with. Of course, Fat Kid takes another moment to snidely assert “I could tell there was definitely a couple of amateur palates running around the room… they were going for the candy palate wine choices, they weren’t picking the real dogs in the fight!”…

…gee, whoever could he mean?…

Oh, put one of your rapidly stiffening socks in it, Fat Kid! It’s not like anyone started clamoring for Arbor Mist or asking Cliffie where he was hiding the Riunité On Ice (so nice)! I also highly doubt that he would have put out a shitty wine for them to use. Of course, I’m fairly certain that Robin’s palate is just as wonky as she is (remember, she just served a Glass’O'Guacamole) so I’m sure whatever she makes is going to be a total disaster, but I say leave her be and let her get there in her own time.

Over at Whole Paycheck Market, they’ve got 45 minutes and $300.00 to pick up enough food to make 150 portions. Sticky Wickett’s being all inspired by how Frenchified her Blowsy Fez wine is, so she’s decided to make pork rillette, which she calls “kind of a potted paté”. Then she makes me want to throw a rock through my TV when she says “I have not made a pork rillette before… I’ve made rabbit a number of times, but I’ve kind of now committed myself to this path and… I feel like it’s going to work!”…

…”I mean, why wouldn’t it?”…

Yeah, it’s always a great idea to try out stuff you’ve never made before at Cliff Clavin’s Culinarian Club. We’ll check back in on Sticky when she’s in the Bottom Three later on. Meanwhile, Gay Ashlee’s just dying to get a win at this point so he says he’s got to do “the perfect dish” which he says will be a roasted pork tenderloin served with a soft corn polenta and topped with a cherry demi-glace. He’s also confident that not only will it taste good, but it’ll pair well with his Sanford & Son pinot.

Okay, now it’s time for some fun! Let’s see what it’s like to hang out at the McMansion and make dinner. Sexist Pigshit whets everyone’s appetite by belching hard enough to blacken the formica on the counter in front of him. I bet that smells pleasing. DirtyBear’s telling us that he really tries hard to get along with everyone in the house and not be the “center of attention”. They immediately cut to 80′s Hooker talking to everyone about what she’s going to do for her dish, and it’s pretty clear from the annoyed faces surrounding her that nobody’s really listening to her. DirtyBear believes 80′s has the best intentions at heart, “but she is driving some people in this house up the fucking wall!”

Ruh-roh. Ominous bass notes are playing as the sun goes down and night falls on the McMansion! Fat Kid’s in the kitchen cooking some scallops and 80′s Hooker is standing behind him yapping away and suggesting what serving platter he should use to plate them with. He’s trying to ignore her and tells her everything’s cool. She ignores that and brings out another plate to suggest to him, which only makes him madder and he snarls “There’s no need for it.” and Li’l Volt quietly says (without making eye contact) that they have everything under control. She finally backs off.

80′s Hooker interviews that there’s been a lot of tension in ths house lately and repeats her impression that several of the other cheftestants don’t think she deserves to still be in the competition, and surmises (correctly, in my opinion) that the real reason why they’re so pissed off she’s still there is because they just plain don’t like her as much as they liked Papi Cholo and Sattine…

…and Biker Chick and Island Mon Ron and Not-So-Pretty and WackEve and MaryMann and even Scarred Jen…

You know, as much as I hate to admit it when 80′s Hooker has a Perceptive & Lucid Momentâ„¢, I do believe she’s having one now. I get that she talks way too much and is annoying as hell and might be kind of a hack in the kitchen, but honestly, things are getting just a bit too Lord Of The Flies in that house… and this time it’s Piggy who’s out for blood.

Speaking of which, Fat Kid’s still cooking his scallops and trying to ignore 80′s Hooker by loudly and pointedly asking Li’l Volt if he’ll check the fridge for some scallions or cilantro. Funny thing is, Li’l Volt’s on the other side of the counter all the way in the dining room, and 80′s Hooker’s standing next to the fridge. Even funnier still, 80′s has some prepared scallions already in hand and offers them to Fat Kid, who refuses them and snarls that he needs more than that, and then declares that they are going to go eat (I guess directly out of the pan… that’ll show her for suggesting which plates they should use!). But before he leaves 80′s points out that she had cleaned the cutting board so she could use it herself, and he’s getting ready to waltz out and leave it dirty and used, and apparently she has finally had enough of the leper treatment and lashes out, “That’s all right, I’ll fucking clean up after you.”

Fat Kid grabs his Pan’O'Scallops and fires back “Fine, be a fucking martyr, I don’t give a fuck.” and starts walking downstairs. She replies “You know, I offered to help–” and he rudely cuts her off with “Robin! Listen! If you wanted me to clean it up you could say ‘clean it up’ without copping a fucking attitude!” Oh, OK, does he mean an attitude like the one he’s been copping with her since about six episodes ago? Nice try, Fat Kid, but no sale. Then he makes me howl with laughter as he tosses off his parting shot, “You’re not my mom! Cut it out!”…

…doesn’t “You’re not the boss of me!” come next??!?…

“I don’t wanna be your mom, believe me.” is what he gets in return and under her breath she says “If I was your mother I woulda raised you better.” Meanwhile Sexist Pigshit’s downstairs with Fat Kid, Li’l Volt, Gay Ashlee and Bitter Jen, and he’s doing his best to instigate things further. Eventually 80′s Hooker makes her way down there as well and heads over to the leftover Pan’O'Scallops to taste one. Just before she can, Li’l Volt decides to join Fat Kid’s Immature Tribe and calls out “They’re rotten, they’re rotten, they’re rotten!” 80′s Hooker replies “Are they? Cool.” and eats one. Then Sexist Pigshit comes back with “No, they’re not rotten… they’re Robin.” Niiiice. 80′s just smiles and says “I am rotten… to the core.” and Sexist finishes off with what I’m sure he thinks is both the height of wit and the obvious coup de grâce…

…tweedlee-deedlee-dee…

Seriously, what a bunch of assholes. I’m especially disappointed in Li’l Volt for jumping on the “I Hate 80′s Hooker” bandwagon. Why be rude to her? It’s not as if he has anything to fear from her in this competition, he should just mind his own food and let the judges get rid of her when she makes her next wacky concoction! Like tomorrow! Ugh, let’s move on.

The next day at the Top Chef Kitchen they’ve got 4 hours to cook. Gay Ashlee’s about to make us all want to wring his fucking neck when he says he was worried about his tenderloin overcooking, and so the previous night Sexist Pigshit suggested the idea of doing a chilled tenderloin, so he’s going to get rid of his polenta idea because he wants the dish to now be cold all the way through.

Meanwhile Big Volt is literally sweating like crazy over trying to braise his 150 servings of ribs in four hours when they normally take twelve. Li’l Volt’s blabbing on and on about how he’s the more adventurous of the two and that Big Volt just “stayed in one place” and got “really good… with one style of food.”…

…yeah, and Big Volt worked for Cliffie for ten years while Li’l Volt barely squeezed out a year…

Having had the night to sleep in an environment populated by entitled boogersnots who hate her, 80′s Hooker says she’s more determined than ever to win this challenge. She believes there’s a clique made up of the “younger kids” that may be against her, and then erases some of my goodwill towards her by repeating one of the worst reality-tv clichés: “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to frickin’ compete.”

Enough of that, Bitter Jen’s decided to use her pork belly to make a play on pork-and-beans, but a lighter, summerier version. Fat Kid, on the other hand, thinks his pork belly dish is going to be better than Bitter Jen’s because his is “a little more robust, and a little heavier, and a little more creative and exciting… hers is a little more basic.” Yeah, well, I bet she knows how to do her own laundry. And pay rent.

Daddy Tom stops by for a few minutes to have Gay Ashlee tell him that he’s really really really really cooking his own food this time… except, you know, he’s really really really really not. He also asks Li’l Volt how he’s doing since he fucked up his dish last week, and gets the requisite bragging in return. He also chats with Sexist Pigshit and watches him trying to make 150 pork balls for some Lesbianese dish he’s doing. And then he’s outie…

…thanks for coming, I guess you really earned your $12,000.00 per minute salary this week, huh Daddy?…

Hey, now Sexist Pigshit’s telling us that through the course of this competition he’s brought forth seven or eight different styles of cuisine (all of them variations on “Greek”) and he hilariously now includes “Asian” in the list! He also says that he brings to the table what none of the others have… which is the desire to be Top Chef! Because the others all just wanted a free trip to hang out at the remotest casino and resort in Nevada and put up with Fat Kid and 80′s Hooker fighting all the time. What a tool.

With less than 2 minutes to go there’s a bottleneck at the Saran-Wrap station! Big Volt tries to get in there but Li’l Volt stops him, saying he’s not done, and Big Volt snaps “Hurry up!” Oh ho, nobody tells Li’l Volt what to do, so his mature reply is “Shut the fuck up, Brian! Go fuck yourself!”…

…somebody missed their afternoon nap…

So now he’s slowing down what he’s doing and just wasting Saran-Wrap, “I’ll take my time now, you fuck.” Big Volt, who is clearly stressing, tries to regain his composure but can’t help observing “I didn’t realize that you have to act like a dick.” Bry, honey, you grew up with this guy, don’t act like you don’t know!

Time has run out, everyone has packed up their food, and they’ve schlepped it out to the Springs Preserve where they start in on their final hour of prep before they will begin serving to the horde of Culinarians hungry for pigmeat and purple wine. After getting a good glimpse of some of these people I’m starting to wonder if some of them aren’t escapees from that show DieTribe…

…or maybe Sisters Of Omega-Mu?…

Wow, it looks like they went ahead and just opened up the cattle chute and let everyone in all at once (and I truly mean that in the completely non-insulting way) and all of the cheftestants are instantly inundated with lines of people. Then the Judges appear, including Daddy Tom, Tiny Tewwible Toby, Cliffie… and representing Food & Wine we don’t get Gail herself, but Gail’s boss, Dana Cowin…

…and Scar looks like she just waltzed out of a Tyler Perry movie about big fat drag queens (and church!)…

They’ve hit Li’l Volt’s booth first…

…mmmmm, that looks cheeky!…

He mentions that the Groovy Song Pinot smells a little bit like root beer and vanilla, and that’s why he braised the pork in it and used vanilla bean with the wine in his sauce. Back at the table, Not-Gail says the pork is good, but Tiny Tewwible Toby and Daddy Tom are both in love with his truffle bun (I guess that’s the yellowish thing underneath the pig-cheek) while Cliffie says all the flavors work really well with the wine. Well duh I guess they might since the sauce is, you know, made of the wine. They cut to a random shot of some of the Mu-Girls saying “Oh mai GAHHHD!” and I can’t tell if it’s the food they’re liking or if they’re making googly eyes at Li’l Volt. Chicks seem to really dig him.

Of course, fag hags also dig their gays, so here’s Ashlee’s tenderloin dish…

…sooo, there it is… that’s Ashlee’s food…

Plus, cherry and corn salad??!? Blurk. He says he kept everything pretty simple so the tenderloin could speak for itself. So what does it have to say? Well, Not-Gail translates that it’s “a little clammy” and Scar’s making a face…

…it’s the same one I’m sure she made back in the day whenever she had to swallow a sour load from Salman…

Tweensy Toby says the meat’s overcooked (which was what Ashlee said he was trying to avoid, ‘member?) and it’s also oversalted. Cliffie says Sanford & Son (ironically) is a “big, rich wine” that needed something equally big & rich to go with it…

…and no, I’m sure he doesn’t mean these two dildoes…

Finally after 35 minutes of badass trashtalk, let’s see how great Fat Kid’s pairing skills really are…

…I dunno, it looks like the kind of dish that would move into your basement and never leave…

He makes sure to tell the judges that he chose the root veggies in his dish (carrots, celery, fennel) because they just go really well with the “cola and vanilla properties” of the Tall Latté wine. Wait, cola and vanilla? Wasn’t he making fun of others for having a “candy palate”?

Back at the table, Not-Gail’s impressed by how the carrot puree has so much “oomph and delicious flavor”…

…but I think she’s just blitzed…

Toby thinks the porkbelly tastes good… but Cliffie’s not so impressed: “Eli did great with the dish… I don’t think it’s a great pairing with the wine.” Excuse me just a sec, here… Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! Karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameeeleeeonnnnn! In your chubby little fucking face Fat Kid! I guess the Elimination Challenge remains out of your grasp for yet another week! I couldn’t be more pleased, how ’bout you guys?

Here comes my fave, DirtyBear to rock the planet with his pâté…

…which looks kinda like a chocolate-chip cookie bar, only made out of pigmeat…

He also made a mayonaisse dressing out of rendered down porkfat and mushrooms, and because he’s been to the Soaked Blotter Vineyards many times and knows they have lots of hazelnut trees up there, he’s incorporated some hazelnut into the mayo as well. And he manages to tell the judges all of this without sounding pretentious or snotty or elitist. He just sounds like he knows his shit and he loves what he’s doing.

Hey DirtyBear… come see me, K? I swear it’ll be the best five minutes you’ve ever had.

Where were we? OH yeah, the judges are eating DirtyBear’s food. Daddy Tom says it was a great decision to make a terrine (the pressed loaf of stuff that pâté is sliced from) and Not-Gail’s gushing that it’s “punched-up” and “really smart” and “very well thought-out” and best of all Cliffie thinks it works great with the wine!

Far less exciting is Sexist Pigshit and his Lesbianese dish called kibbeh…

…which looks too much like a jalapeño popper that fell on the floor of a booth at the dirty bookstore…

No actually, that’s an “orange-blossom yogurt”, which Sexist thinks goes great with the Walrus River wine since it has a lot of “florals” in it. It quickly becomes clear that he’s terribly wrong about that, because Not-Gail immediately says the orange is “overwhelming” everything else. Daddy says he doesn’t mind that so much and thinks the kibbeh is well-seasoned. Nobody mentions the pairing, but I think that’s because we all know he’s not gonna win this one, either.

Big Volt’s turn is next, and he appears to have calmed down…

…what is it with plopping everything down on top of a gooey off-white mess?…

This time it’s a parsnip pureé and some mostarda to finish it off. Toby likes how the mostarda is picking out some orange notes in the Ravioli-O pinot and Cliffie’s impressed with that as well, he says it’s just enough tinge without being bitter.

Which seamlessly brings us to the ladies, starting with Bitter Jen…

…it’s amazing how strongly hers and Fat Kid’s dishes resemble one another…

Hers looks more moist while Fat Kid’s looked dry. Scar gives a sexy “Mmmmm.” and Cliffie thinks it’s micely seasoned and works well with the wine. Not-Gail also thinks her pork belly is very delicious, too.

Trainwrecks have been saved for last! Starting with Sticky Wickett…

…why does the use of the term “pork butt” in Sticky’s dish make me think she’s sneaking in deep-fried pig anus?…

They immediately cut to some queen lisping “It’s not a party in my mouth.” Wellll, maybe the judges will like it better. Maybe not, because Not-Gail says she’ll defer to the chefs, maybe it’s a perfect rillette but it tastes like cat-food to her…

…mee-OWW…

Not much would be able to top a statement like that, but I’m sure 80′s Hooker will do her best…

…just looking at it, it already doesn’t go with name of the wine…

I don’t have the room to even attempt to transcribe her description of her dish to the judges, I can only say it had sweet potatoes, apples, fennel, sour cherries and coffee in it. Tewwible Toby says the overall sensation was one of “sliminess” (ew) and Cliffie says he can’t taste the pork at all, “It could have been anything wrapped around that bundle!”. Daddy Tom thinks it’s because 80′s cut the meat too thinly and everyone agrees with him. *sigh* Another epic FAIL for 80′s Hooker.

Back in the Stew Room, Sexist Pigshit’s insisting that “If we went on what the people thought I’d be in the winner’s circle!” and 80′s Hooker insists that people told her she was the favorite…

…Um, you’re both wrong, so how about you both just shut it for once?…

Scar comes in and invites Li’l Volt, Big Volt, DirtyBear and Bitter Jen (*cough*topfour*cough*) to the Judges’ Table. Guess whose disappointed little pug-mug of a face is priceless right now?…

…Memoirs Of An Imperfect Asshat…

Cliffie tells them the four of them their dishes and pairings made for a really great representation of Pigs ‘N’ Pinot, and I’m not gonna bother with the praise and mutual butt-kissing tonight, I’ll just show you a cute picture of the winner…

…I ♥ DirtyBear…

This time it’s both the Volts who look like they swallowed some of 80′s Hooker’s cookin’. As an added bonus surprise, Cliffie invites DirtyBear to be a special guest chef at the 2010 Pigs’N'Pinot event! Yeah, even if he doesn’t win this whole thing, that’s a pretty sweet invite. AND this makes his third Elimination Win, so he’s now tied with Big Volt (and coupled with his two Quickfire wins, that makes him top dawg over everyone right now).

Tonight’s Loser Crew is no surprise: Gay Ashlee, Sticky Wickett and 80′s Hooker. After the three of them leave Li’l Volt lets his bitterness over losing spew everywhere as he seethes “I hope they make the right decision tonight.” and Sexist Pigshit concurs. Big Volt jumps in and challenges them, saying “What is ‘the right decision’?” Li’l Volt flat out says 80′s should go because you couldn’t taste pork in her dish. Sexist Pigshit admits he doesn’t care about the food, he just wants her gone, and now I’m rooting for her all over again just to fuck with these assholes.

Naturally, 80′s Hooker’s dish had a weird gummy consistency and the pork was too thin, but she crazily stands by it anyhow. As for Gay Ashlee, he’s super shocked that he’s there. Scar can’t believe he tasted his dish and didn’t detect the lack of flavor or seasoning. Then Ashlee makes me want to strangle him when, for the forty-fucking-seventh time he stupidly tells them that the dish he served wasn’t the original dish he thought of, and mentions his idea for making warm polenta with dry-aged jack cheese and smoking the tenderloin. Cliffie’s shaking his head (like I am) and saying “It sounds fantastic!… Why didn’t you go there?”…

…”Because I am kind of cute when I’m being a huge moron?”…

As for Sticky, Toby says her dish seemed more like a dry hash than a rillette, and Cliffie immediately asks Wickett to describe how she makes rillette. When she answers that she braised it in chicken stock he stops her with “You realize that’s not how you make rillete, right?” She looks blank as he goes on to explain that you have to actually poach the pork in fat (mmmmm) and that’s how the flavors are introduced. He also says he won’t tell her what words Not-Gail used to describe the dish (Meow Mix Meets Fancy Feast) but that it was “pretty rough” and basically she did not make a rillette.

It coulda been any of them, but which has the worst fault? Sticky Wickett not knowing how to make the dish she claimed she was making, 80′s Hooker knowing too well how to completely erase the pork flavor from an event that puts pork in the spotlight, or Gay Ashlee for repeatedly changing his dishes from good to bad by listening to everyone else? Well, we’ll find out in a minute after the results of the viewer poll…

…3. If they were secret lovers…

And it’s awesome that fat li’l Harold there is gonna get to see even more of Maude in the coming days, because Gay Ashlee’s the one going home. He’s bummed that he never had the balls to cook what he should have and says he’s going to put his original dish idea on the menu at his restaurant back in New York and he’s going to invite everyone but Scar to come enjoy it. I dunno what that’s all about, but I’m sure the reunion will reveal.

So there we are, and what did you think of this episode? Are you more on 80′s Hooker’s side, or Fat Kids? Or should they both just STFU? Does it also seem like DirtyBear is distancing himself somewhat from Fat Kid, and that Big Volt is consistently proving himself to be a better man than his nasty little brother?

Okay, I’m super sorry about being late with this, so as my way of making it up to everybody I’m going to include a little bonus with this recap. Here is the video of one of our latest performances with Devina & The Fly Boyz (featuring a dance crew called Evolution) at Rainbows Festival in Phoenix about three weeks ago. Keep in mind, this is about a week after I injured my back, so I was completely loopy on drugs and was wearing a back brace, which would explain why I didn’t notice my vest pulling up over my belly until way late in the game. The song is a remix of the PussyCat Dolls “Hush Hush” and you’ll see the reason for the disco-era clothes by the end. Enjoy!

…in case you’re unsure, I’m the one in the white…

love, J-Mo