Top Chef: Just Be Yourself, as Long as You’re Not Lame

Previously on Top Chef, the Christmas spirit overtook Daddy Tom and he served up some sugar after basically calling everyone a bunch of low level line cook hacks. Just when they thought all was lost….”YOU’RE ALL STAYING! MERRY CHRISTMAS!” Then the chefs erupted into a huge, joyous party and hugged and thanked baby Jesus for being born. Just kidding. The biggest loser in this Christmas beat down was Diet Dr. Pepper, who paid good money for a really miserable endorsement.

You know what’ll make you feel good? Not a Diet Dr. Pepper, apparently.

We open after two glorious weeks off with city shots. South Pacific is back on Broadway? That’s a cool thing I guess when you live in New York. You could be walking down the street immersed in a whole mental drama about the minute meaningless things going on in your life just like you’d do living in any other city, but in New York you’re more likely to just start humming “Gonna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair” while you do it. That shit gets stuck in your head. Please let this Asian lady demonstrate my point for me. I like to imagine that this is Hung’s mom at Christmas karaoke night.

If you don’t find yourself humming this at least once today, I have not done my job.

The point, you ask? I seriously just sat here for like five minutes staring at the screen and I’ve got nothin. Moving on. We start off the week with sad, deep thoughts music and Girl Prison Eugene being all tough and defensive about almost getting sent back to Vegas without a signed celebrity cookbook from anyone.

Deer Dyry, The judges are meen, everythingz unfare, and I just want to go to the yard for a smoke. I tried to dreenk a Diet Dr. Pepper, but it dident help.

Girl Prison is in deep denial and is kinda dickish about it, which is bad because no one likes people who can’t admit it when they f’ed up. Unless you’re Gov. Blagojevich. Then everyone thinks you’re really hilarious and prays at night that you’ll stay on their TVs forever because you’re just too pathetic to not be on TV.

Point? GP, you can fall down sometimes, k? Pinky linky! Farm Girl Melissa straightens her bangs as straight as she can and is bigger than Girl Prison about almost getting sent home. Why? Because she has farm girl gumption: “That’s what’s so hard about this, is you wun cake restaurant real life.” Huh? I never understand what she’s saying, and I never want to. I just want bangs, overtanning and nonsensical mush mouthisms.

And I thank you in advance.

Hosea is feeling more positive about it all because he won the last challenge. It might have been a win covered in Daddy Tom’s “you’re all worthless losers and none of you deserve dick” taint on it, but a win’s a win. Stefan just rolls his eyes at all this positivity and says he doesn’t care that Hosea won because he knows he runs circles around him. Well, you’re at least equally as mediocre according to the judges, so good work.

Jamie the Ninja Turtle lays on the couch and mopes about how no one thinks she’s as awesome as her friends at the Ole Snail Trail Bar and Grill tell her she is, but she doesn’t get any attention from Ariane, who has kids and is immune to whining. She just does the dishes and hums the theme song from Dora, the Explorer.

I’m no good. No one likes me. I should just jump off the balcony.

Who’s spitting in this darned sink again? Do I need put up another Post-It on the fridge about this?

When the chefs all get to the Not Kenmore Kitchen, Scar is waiting for them with Jean-Christophe Novelli, who doesn’t seem to take himself seriously at all.

He seriously held this pose for ten seconds without blinking.

This guy radiates a hole and he must truly be one because he’s not only been a Head Chef on Hell’s Kitchen, he’s also getting his own show on Bravo. I hope his personality lives up to his nasty facial expression. Rad tells us that he’s an acclaimed pastry chef, which means it’s dessert time. All the chefs seem super impressed. Especially Prettyish Boy.

“I was ony foolin’, George…I wouldn’t eat no ketchup if it was right here beside me…I’d leave it all for you” – Lennie, Of Mice and Men

Scar explains the challenge. Apparently, people everywhere are more and more concerned about their calorie intake. Really? Cuz I just read today that like 76% of us are fat asses. My butt’s bigger than ever, how bout you? Anyway, the challenge is to make a tasty dessert without using sugar but make the judges feel like they’re not missing anything just because it’s healthy. But they will be missing things. Not just sugar. They will be missing JOY. I’m munching on a Weight Watchers “chocolate cake” made out of cancer cells right now so I know of what I speak. I am impressed, though, with all of the effort Scar’s putting into her job today. That two weeks off did her some good. Or she was just banned from smoking spliffs in the greenroom. Either way, she’s really giving it her all. She must have a boner for Jean Valjean.

¿Qué emoción!

When she names the sad sugarless diet challenge “The Diet Dr. Pepper Quickfire”, Fabio does his best to put on a huge commercial smile and sell the crap out of the product.

Poor Diet Dr. Pepper just can’t catch a break today.

Prettyish Boy tells us that he’s not scared of this challenge because at the Dildo Beach Club in Miami, his customers only shove one thing down their throats and it ain’t sugar. Since he can’t just make a huge plate of dick, he’s gonna make a phallic spring roll with nuts and serve it with a side of frozen yogurt instead to give us all the general idea.

abadeabadeabadeabaede

Goofy clown music plays as Carla Beaker tells us that she’s gonna make chocolate coins with baklava and frozen bananas, but serious music plays when she realizes her bananas can’t freeze because people keep leaving the freezer door open. She changes it up at the last minute and sautés the bananas in walnut oil. See that’s why I love Beaker. She doesn’t cry, she just pulls her shit together. And also because she has spirit guides and taste buds in her brain that make chocolate taste like peanut butter and big googly eyes.

Hosea is making a fig and peach dessert, which Stefan laughs at and tells us looks like “green vomit”, Jamie the Ninja Turtle is moping so much that I can’t understand what she says she’s working on, and Scariane is so excited to be using the actual featured product as one of her ingredients that she just keeps opening her eyes really big and gushing “Diet Dr. Peeeeppperrrr!” Finally, Diet Dr. Pepper is getting some love. It’s from the scariest contestant on the show, but she’s trying.

Scar calls time and she and Jean Valjean go around tasting everyone’s food. Fabio made a granola and oat tart with eggless pastry cream. Nothing says “you’re not missing anything” like the words “eggless” and “granola”. Jean Valjean accusatorily points his fork down at the granola and scoffs “Are you pleazed wees deezz?” Fabio’s all oh shit. “De cream eez no cook enough.” Ok that wasn’t the harshest thing he could have said, but the way he said it made me feel bad for Fabio. And that’s never ever ever happened before. Well done, Valjean!

Fabio just smiles and tries to squeeze out some charm, and then tells us that Valjean was just nasty because “Ayverytheeng in Europe is between Eetaly and France. Eeven dee final of dee workout. We won.” Huh? No one in France or Italy works out. That’s why we all secretly want to live there. I had to rewind four times and lean on Google to figure out that he said the “world cup.” My bad. So Jean Valjean is just mad about soccer, and that’s why Fabio’s cream bombed.

You tink you can make more goalz than my peeplz and den try to serve me runny creeeeam?

Prettyish has made a baklava spring roll with frozen cherry and white fig yogurt. Problem is, it’s not frozen. It looks like a dish he left in the sink for two weeks while he was visiting his family over the Christmas holidays. Not that I would know what that would look like.

Just throw it out and buy another bowl so you don’t have to smell it.

Jean Valjean asks him if he plays soccer and Prettyish is all “no you can’t play that on the beach or you get in trouble.” Valjean compliments his interesting combination of flavors. Then he shows off more of his chest, which kinda makes me squirm. He looks ten years old with an angry fifty year old head stuck on. A ten year old with really low nipples.

Eez eet hot in eer, or eez eet me?

Girl Prison made a dessert version of a burger and fries with a mini blini and banana lumpias. Jean seems to like it ok, but it’s hard to tell with this guy. Farm Girl Melissa made a “dessert burrito”. Ok is this whole making dessert that looks like fast food gonna be a trend? Here, eat something healthy and think of how deliciously clogged your arteries could be right now if you’d just give up this dream of being thin and loved and enjoy a truly happy life of eating your face off, making internet friends for company and visiting Dildo Beach Club in your head for sexual gratification. Oh, Farm Girl. She says that her specialty “right now” is Latin food, hence the burrito. Hopefully that specialty will change back to “Cracker Barrel Line Cook” tomorrow so she can make something tasty. Mmmm chicken and grits. Hers looks just like Prettyish’s dish, only grosser.

Rad may seem like a Jane Doe cadaver waiting in the morgue for someone to stop by and identify her, but her peach and cashew bread pudding looks delicious. Really sweet positive music is playing right now, so I think it’s probably as good as it looks.

Jean Valjean almost smiles and calls the bread pudding adventurous. Possible Stalker Leah is very down in the dumps today, most likely because she can’t stop thinking about all the AIDS ribbons her pretend boyfriend Hosea had on his table last ep. She cheers up when Jean Valjean borders on enthusiastic tasting her ricotta and strawberry crepe stack. He moves on and she follows right behind him with a really sick possessive look on her face and a paring knife ready to go just in case he ignores her.

Stefan’s sugar free chocolate mousse is served in a shot glass with sides of cherry and Diet Dr. Pepper. Jean tastes the mousse, and then asks where Stefan is from. He jokingly answers France and then starts cracking up at himself before admitting that he’s Finnish. Jean is annoyed at all the happiness and looks at the mousse like he can’t believe it was made by a this egg head. He compliments the fine mix and keeps staring at it. Stefan says that it should be good because the Finnish invented mousse. Then he cracks up at himself again while Jean Valjean contemplates the mousse like he’s on CSI Miami. It would be the regular CSI but for the open shirt.

I must take zees back to dee lab.





I’m heelarious.





Soccer. Goddam soccer.

Hosea’s green vomit dish turned into some figs and peaches with a thought bubble.

Jean snottily asks “you are pleesed wit deez?” which apparently means “you’re fucked” and Hosea answers with goofy pride “yeah!” Valjean kinda throws his hands up in the air, which cracks me up. Scary music starts to play as Scariane shows off her whole wheat crepe with pears and almonds. The dish deserves the soundtrack.

She tells Valjean to have some lumpy whipped cream too and he’s like ew that shit looks disgusting. But with a really thick accent. Scari is mortified and tells us that she can’t believe this “dude” is picking apart everyone’s dessert. What kind of judge would be so judgmental? Jamie’s Napolean looks like a building populated by fruits toppled over. She couldn’t have known that there was an earthquake in West Hollywood this week, but there was, and this is just tasteless.

Ground Zero

Valjean blows out some air and then says “very interesting.” I can’t tell if he dissed her or praised her, but Ninja Turtle seems to think she made a basket.

That’s the longest her neck has been in three weeks.

Beaker’s baklava with chocolate coins and fried bananas looks tasty, but she starts yammering on about how she wanted to make ice cream but couldn’t. Come on, Beak! Get it together! LIE! She does pull off the amazing task of getting a genuine smile out of Jean Valjean, though.

What an eedyot.

Sure enough, he calls her out on the bottom and adds Scariane and Ninja Turtle to keep her company. Jamie says she knew her dish wasn’t good, which makes me wonder why she acted like her team won a softball game when he tasted her food. Who knows? The Turtle is very complex.

I’m gonna nibble on a carrot later and hopefully get my belly wet.

Valjean names Rad, Possible Stalker Leah and Prettyish as the top three, but Rad takes the win! Prettyish runs up and gives her a hug and tells her that she deserved it and he’s happy for her.

Well I’m sure he wanted to, anyway.

Scar announces that Toby Young will be joining the Judges’ Table tonight. SAWEEEET! Toby Young has been on the Top Chef ads all year and is supposedly really sarcastic and funny. Let’s take a look at his Wikipedia page: “Toby Daniel Moorsom Young (born 1963) is a British journalist and the author of How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, the tale of his failed five-year attempt to make it in the U.S. as a contributing editor at Vanity Fair magazine; and The Sound of No Hands Clapping, a follow-up about his failure to make it as a Hollywood screenwriter. His obnoxious wit has earned him almost as many enemies as admirers and the title of “England’s heterosexual Truman Capote”.

I’m in! WAIT just a gd’ed second. Scar ends her intro with “he’ll be filling in for Gail for the rest of our time here.” WHAT?!? GAAAAAAIL!!! Will Toby wear dresses made out of sheets from Ana’s Linens and go on tirades about BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY EEEEGGGGS! and have fake bridal showers? WAAAAHHHH. I LOVE YOU GAIL! Ok, that’s done for now. Everyone seems to know who he is, and Fabio describes him best. “Hees a bad ass food creeteek. He’s gonna peesed off lodda peoples.” Here, here! Scariane gets so scared that an instant rash breaks out on her face.

Later that night, Girl Prison talks to his family on The Sidekick of Doom. In the last episode the editors showed us Hosea talking on the Sidekick and he won the challenge instead of getting booted. Those tricksters!! But the Sidekick has stayed around even through fierce competition from every other cell phone maker out there and you can’t just break the curse with a little editing trick one week. My guess is Girl Prison is out tonight. When he asks his daughter what she’s doing and she answers “I just taught Malia to use the bathroom” I feel really really bad for the guy. Potty training? That’s like axing him and sending the poor guy off to war. Poop war.

Daddy might be staying in a hotel awhile, k?

Still don’t want a Diet Dr. Pepper? Anyone? A soft drink has never made me want to curl up in the fetal position before.

The next morning, Rad blathers on about how excited she is to have immunity while Farm Girl acts all cosmopolitan in her latest fashion statement.

Alright which cow told you those things were cute? Slaughter the bastard.

Wow. That was quick.

Daddy Tom comes by to tell the chefs that the elimination challenge will be to cook family style for a blind tasting, because he doesn’t want Toby to judge people based on shallow things like buggy eyes or tattoos or rainbow shirts or rashy faces. They break up into two groups and since Rad has immunity she gets to pick the group she wants to work with. She takes the team that Stefan’s not on, cuz he’s an ass.

The two teams will be cooking separately because the kitchen is tiny, so Group A heads over to Food Whole first. Farm Girl goes straight to the tuna because she’s gonna make ahi tuna tacos. Latin phase. She says that the chef at her job “and me” came up with this recipe. The chef is gonna fire her ass and sue her for slander when all is said and done. Maybe she can open a roach coach in the Home Depot parking lot to work that Latin out of her system. I’d totally go.

Don’t worry, you’ll get plenty of sun!

She’s going all out this time and really wants to show off her personality in this dish. I predict it will be mushy in the mouth and over cooked. Girl Prison is going to fry up some snapper and serve it over daikon fettuccine with tomato and basil sauce. Jamie is all huh? Why would you serve daikon with tomato and basil? Because one time when he was washing dishes a waiter threw out a side dish of daikon and another dish of spaghetti and when they met there in the trash can it just seemed right, ok? Stop asking questions you already know the answer to.

They get back to the kitchen for their two hours of prep, and within five minutes someone comments on how quiet it is without Stefan. They all agree and talk about how nice it is. HA. We only have to deal with that blowhard in tiny snippets. These people have him all day. On the downside, there’s no one there to tell them honestly what they need to do to fix their food. And…team A’s gonna lose.

Isn’t it nice sucking as much as we want without anyone telling us about it?

Jamie decides to put the Ninja back in Turtle and do whatever it takes to win this thing. Atta girl! So what kind of soup or puree are you gonna make? I hope none, because Rad’s cutting her off at the knees by making a spicy crab bisque.

Music from the Italy section of Epcot at Disneyworld starts playing while Fabio flattens his fresh pasta. The challenge is to show his own tastes, so he’s going with pasta and meat. Yawn. He starts talking about how he learned to make dees from his grandma. The same grandma who taught you to make grits look like cement? That grandma? I think it’s time to ignore that skank and branch out, dude.

It’s Group B’s time to shop, but we don’t have to suffer through any of that because Beaker’s on the loose, and her spirit guides are active. She wanders very slowly down the aisles, telling us that she needs “to create the environment I need to work in” and be able to hear her spirit guides. Those wacky guides stop her in front of the olive oil. OOOOOoooooh! Feeling risky today, dead people? I. LOVE. BEAKER.

How could you not?

In other news, we may not be hearing much from Stefan today, but it’s only because his t-shirt is busy trying to get through to the Ninja Turtle’s biological clock.

The turtles big plan to fight her way through this and prove to the judges that she’s the best? She’s gonna make the same thing she made last week and got ripped apart for. Seared scallops. OY. WHY? She wants to prove that she does in fact know how to cook scallops. NO ONE CARES. You think Scar went to bed that night thinking “Man, that lesbian should know fish better, considering…” NO. She went to bed thinking “how am I gonna get Cheyenne out of here in the morning? He’s way too young and hot and poor to stay.” Fabio, again, says it best: “Dees is Top Chafe, eez note Top Scaylopes!” LOL.

Fabio has put his lamb in airtight bags to cook in water, but he forgot about them and with only five minutes left, he realizes that they are rare. Ruhroh. Girl Prison tells us that this challenge is about originality and he’s the most original one here. I’ll give him that. He is the only chola, but this is about cooking. He says no one else would have the balls to serve daikon fettucini. They probably wouldn’t have the balls to eat it either, but again, this isn’t about balls.

Hosea tells us that he’s looking over at Farm Girl’s fish tacos and he’s not impressed. The only person who’s gonna give those things any attention is Ninja Turtle, and she’s not a judge. Farm Girl says that she’s striving for art here. She proves it by wearing a scarf and acting all artistic. You know, I really like Farm Girl. She’s got an outfit for everything. She’s like Snoopy.

While people eat my fish taco, they will discuss Bach and the topical relevance of Bride Wars.

During commercials, there’s a little clips of the chefs making fun of Fabio for going on and on about homemade pasta when he couldn’t even get the pasta machine to work. I was gonna write about it but then this happened:

WTF? This show needs to win like ten Emmys.

The Judges arrive to eat, and it’s Group B’s turn to start cooking. Wait. No it’s not. They enter the dining room and Scar introduces them to Toby (who does, in fact, look like Truman Capote, at least the movie version. Not the Phillip S. Hoffman one. The one with the midget) and announces that they will be the “food experts”. Dang! So no one will be blinded after all, the blind part only means that no one knows who made what. Toby will be able to judge on rainbow shirts after all. Beaker’s spirit guides immediately tell her to run.

Glad you got some meditation in, Beak. You’re gonna need it.

Group A comes in and sees their competitors at the judges table and collectively poo a little. When they get back to the kitchen, there’s a big screen TV set up with a feed from the judging! HAHAHAHAAAAA. Fabio, as usual, puts it best. “Live, eez ugly. On televeesion, eez uglier.”

Rad’s bisque is tasted first. Stefan says it’s so bad that his taste buds are numb. Ouch. he realizes that he is gonna get judged by his peers too, right? Like he cares. Never mind. Daddy Tom agrees that the bisque is “heavy handed”. Toby’s first line is “the UN weapons inspectors were looking in the wrong place. The weapons of mass destruction are in this bowl.” Beaker is horrified, and her reaction had me laughing for a solid five minutes.

Hosea’s halibut wrapped in bacon is next. Beaker says that the veggies were perfect and upstaged the fish. Toby says the same thing, but in a much snottier way. Something about how it reminds him of when classically trained British actors are cast in supporting roles in Hollywood films and upstage the leads. Sorry, you little snob, but at the end of the day we’re going to see JAMES mothafuckin’ BOND ok? Step off. He’s on my nerves now, because he just blatantly reworded Beaker’s comment. He even used the word upstaged. Hack.

Knob.

Prettyish loves Ninja Turtle’s scallops, and Toby agrees. So does Jean Valjean. Did I mention he was here too? Sorry, I am trying to avoid his chest.

Put those things away, please. You’re worse than Michelle Bernstein. Y’all both need bras.

Stefan knocks Fabio’s lamb for being undercooked, but as if he knows who he’s talking about (how could he not?) he says it gently and compliments the ravioli. Jean Valjean loved every component, which makes Fabio cheer in the kitchen. “Weezout da lamb, it wood be perfect.” And Fabio’s face falls again.

Soccer’s fault.

Think you’re depressed? Check out Girl Prison’s poor fish, which was strung up in the town square as a warning to all other fish not to fuck with da man.

Prettyish says it looked gorgeous but he doesn’t get the daikon. Stefan says daikon is supposed to be chilled, and Toby says it’s “the bland leading the bland”. Does this guy ever say anything normal? Fish tacos are next. Scariane says they’re too fishy and Toby says that whoever made them (Farm Girl) isn’t very confident and they tasted like cat food.

You should have brought your pink sunglasses to hide the pain.

Farm Girl beats herself up and says that she should have known better than this and she doesn’t know what the f she was thinking. She says that every week. Even the Judges’ Table is silent after Toby’s nasty remark. He breaks the ice by admitting that that was a little harsher than everyone else’s assessments. But it worked! You’re the only judge in the room, as far as the editors are concerned. I’ll bet Daddy Tom went home and punched a hole through the wall.

Group B gets back to kitchen and they are a little tense. That doesn’t stop Prettyish from making everything he can think of. Man people never learn. He’s making sausage, sorbet, and two different kinds of seafood. No one’s gonna have any idea that’s your dish. Stefan shouts and yammers on about his duck breast, cabbage and bread dumplings to no one in particular. He is loud in the kitchen. I’d never really noticed before.

Scariane and Possible Stalker Leah chit chat and help each other out and entertain themselves by calling the dishes they tasted earlier crap. Leah is making fish encrusted in bread that’s supposed to taste like it was fried. Just fry it. Jesus, are you gonna serve a side of Diet Dr. Pepper with this? Scari is making seared skate wing with cauliflower puree. If it works for Martha Stewart, it should work here too, I guess. Beaker’s making scallops over risotto but there’s something missing. Hm. Salt? No. Pepper? Nuhuh. LOVE. Awww! Although I think if Toby tasted love he might choke to death. Fingers crossed!

Group A goes back to the kitchen and is shocked to see the TV. Leah asks “did they get to watch us too?” No, Leah. Those TVs were just brought in cuz Toby wants to marry you. Now play this right and follow him home and call him ten times a day to show him your commitment.

Beaker’s is first to be tasted and Ninja Turtle and Scar both look grossed out because there’s too much garlic. Love lost today. Turtle thinks that if she was the fave in the last round and she’s up against this then she’s a definite shoo in. I love when she gets all puffy chested and arrogant, because it’s that much more fun to watch her lose.

Yay

At first it’s hard for anyone to concentrate because there’s a foul odor in the air.

Have you even washed that shirt?

Rad says that Stefan’s duck is cooked well but the dumplings are too dense. His hackles rise in the kitchen and he says that the cadaver is only knocking it cuz she knows it’s his dish. And why would she do that? You’re totally charming. Fabio sticks up for his boy and says the dumplings may be dense but if you eat them with everything else they taste really good. Tom says he loves it and it’s a perfect flavor balance. Stefan is humble as always.

Girl Prison calls Prettyish’s dish creative, but that’s it. Daddy Tom says it’s not even a dish, it’s just a bunch of little hors d’oeuvres. Toby calls it the best of the five because the sorbet “was like Tom Cruise’s cameo in Tropic Thunder: an unexpected treat.” Good Lord, really? Tom looks away and disagrees.

Get Magical Elves on the phone before I kick this midget’s ass.

Jean Valjean calls Scariane’s skate wing perfect, and Ninja Turtle disses Leah’s greasy fried beans under her rouget. Toby disagrees and says it’s a Pan European solution to fish and chips. Then everyone comes around to dissing Beaker again. Leave her alone! Her guides made her do it! Back in the kitchen, Beaker is trying to take it like a man. She tells the other chefs that it’s an unusual treat to get to hear from your peers and you can just change the things you did wrong next time. LOL. I wonder if she curses a lot in her head. She must. No one’s that good.

In private time, Daddy Tom says that Group B was way better. Toby agrees and says overall the quality was high. He doesn’t add a rhyme or a pun or a witticism, which is refreshing. They cut straight to Judges’ Table, because they don’t get their extra fifteen minutes this week. Thank the lord.

D. When he told Scar that she was a role model to stoner bulimics everywhere.

An actual actor on The Actor’s Studio? Was Miley Cyrus busy?

In the holding tank, Farm Girl’s all upset because she knows she’s probably going home tonight. She keeps talking and talking about it, saying that she thought her dish was creative and it just didn’t come across right. It was created by her and another chef and it still stunk. She stands in the middle of the room with scissors held to her bangs and screams “Don’t come near me! I’ll cut them! I WILL!” Everyone tells her she’s awesome and then she breaks down crying and they all hug. Someone asks “who made the whole fish?” and when Eugene takes credit Leah says “I knew it.” LOL.

Scar comes in and asks to see the duck dish, the skate dish, and the scallop and fennel dish. Stefan, Scari, and Ninja, who looks like she knows that if she just keeps crawling along she’ll kick the hare’s ass.

Now’s not the time for a Bubba Gump impression.

The Judges give them the longest silent stare down ever, but it’s not intimidating because Jean Valjean is still showing off his ten year old chest and Toby looks…well Toby looks hilarious.

Bad dog! Outside! Outside!

Scar smiles big and tells them they are all in the top. She starts with Stefan, who says he thinks his dish was great. Tom agrees while Stefan giggles and shakes his head like he just won an Oscar. Toby liked that his dish was so German and claims that he’s had the exact same thing while stuck in a cabin in the Swiss Alps. Uhhuh. Turtle’s food was “refined” and “lovely”. Me thinks Scari has a crush on one of the judges, cuz girl got her hair did.

Rar, Tigress! Mr. Scari is at home right now trying to figure out how to tell the kids that mommy’s about to run away with a bald midget.

Jean Valjean is very kind to her, but all Daddy Tom can muster is some line about being glad she actually worked on her presentation and didn’t just chop a bunch of crap up and throw it on the plate. Daddy Tom really hates her, and it’s very entertaining. And the winner is….Turtle! She’s gonna be much easier to live with now.

That’s right, bitches! I’m king of the WOOOORRRLD!

Farm Girl, Girl Prison and Beaker are in the bottom three. NO !! BEAKER! She’s acting positive, but you know in her head there’s all sorts of drama going on.

Beaker is very good at being diplomatic and admitting her faults. She says that she wanted to show her flavor layering and missed the boat. Then she says that she could have mixed the offensive garlic into the risotto and it wouldn’t have tasted off, and Daddy Tom seems impressed that she isn’t a dick about it and she has a workable solution. Either that or he just lets her off the hook because she’s getting a little excited and kinda jumping out at them.

I may not be able to wow you, but I can scare the crap out of you.

Farm Girl tries to go down the admit your mistakes route too and says that she was grateful to hear her food being critiqued while it was being eaten. Daddy Tom’s like what in the world did you hear that made you happy cuz you were universally dissed. She says that she was just happy to get feedback. LOL, Farm Girl. Daddy Tom says that fish tacos are lame and boring, Jean Valjean says her food was watery and bland, and Toby says that her fish tacos smelled like ass. Farm Girl says that she didn’t think her food was that bad. And…nail in the coffin.

Girl Prison claims that his thinking out of the box was what got him in trouble. Daddy Tom called him on the daikon and basil combo and Girl Prison says it was risky but he’d tried it before and liked it. Tom counters that if he had tried it before then it wasn’t a risk. Valjean gives GP points for being original, but the fish was over cooked. Toby thought that the food was just plain bland. Girl Prison says that he thinks he should stay because he knows more what they want. I don’t know what that means, and I don’t think Toby does either.

Farm Girl says she should stay because she wants this more than anything. Man. Worst answer ever. Beaker says she should stay because minus her scallop, her dish was perfect. They are excused and sent back to the tank. Toby likes Girl Prison the best because at least he tries different stuff. Tom says it “hurts” him to see the fish give up his life just to get all beat up like that. He adds that it “bummed me out”. Ok, Kato. Thanks. Tom moves on to Farm Girl, saying that the challenge was to show who they were and she did that. Toby says that’s why her ass should be put in front of a firing squad. Everyone agrees that Beaker’s problem is that she’s just basically kinda clueless and she should have had the guts to make a vegetarian dish and not just add a scallop because she felt like she had to. In the end, it’s Farm Girl and Girl Prison that are sent packing.

Girl Prison doesn’t threaten anyone and takes it pretty well. He actually seems kinda relieved. The last thing Tom said to Farm Girl, though, was that she showed who she was, and it was really uninspiring so she cries. AW! As she starts sobbing, her pinky reflexively goes in her nose and then into her mouth. I swear to God.

It’s bizarre, adorable, and very very frightening. I won’t forget you, Farm Girl! Every time I’m in the Home Depot parking lot, I’ll look over at the roach coach and smile.

Next week HUNG! What have I done to deserve this? Is it because I mentioned his mother in a recap? I’m magical. So what do you guys think? Is Toby all he’s advertised to be or is just an ass? Did Farm Girl deserved to get punched in the balls by pretty much everyone? And what happened to Gail? OH YEAH. AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!