Well, hello again foodie fans! My name is J-Mo and the last time we were together it was in the barren, frightening, and almost entirely calorie-free zone known as America’s Next Top Model (a.k.a. TyraWorldâ„¢) so I’m sure you can imagine my excitement when Flipit gave me the green light to work on a series that is totally about the sensual joys of sex food! Plus, it feels so good to get the hell out of that tacky-ass CW neighborhood for awhile and back into the Bravo gayborhood where a fat fairy like me really belongs… although I’m kind of concerned, because it appears that the downward spiral of the economy has hit this show really hard…

…Welcome to the Not-Even-GE-Monogram Kitchen!…

Nevertheless, I’m totally aglow (and aglitter!) with excitement to bring you the highly-touted Top Chef Masters, which is kind of the older, more talented (and far uglier) sister of our beloved Top Chef. You’ll understand exactly what I mean by that after the jump…You may be asking yourself, “What in the hell kind of creds does J-Mo have to write about a cooking show?” Well, for starters, I eat food every single day. A lot of it (so this basically means fattie = heart-attackie foodie). Also, I was a chef when I was only 17 years old… granted, I had a maroon and gray polyester uniform and a visor with a funny-looking “M” on it and I made Big Macs all day, but still… Okay, so I really have no culinary credibility whatsoever (beyond my amazing Kraft Macaroni & Cheesemaking skillz) but my BF on the other hand totally does (he is a former line cook/sous chef/executive chef depending on how think you drunk he is) and he’s promised to help me out with anything I don’t understand so I won’t look stupid in front of you all (so this basically means that for anything I may get wrong, please blame him).

I was also excited because, like many other gaymenzes, I have kind of an unhealthy crush on Daddy Tom (which makes him extremely nervous any time Andy Cohen points this out to him at the reunion shows) and there’s something kinda relaxing about Scar’s eternally stoned placid face and retarded babbling tranquil voice… except Daddy Tom and Scar aren’t on this show…

W. T. F.?!?!!!!

I know, I was totally pissed, too! No, instead of Sexy Daddy Tom and Scarlicious, we’re presented with a bubbly Korean woman named Kelly Choi…

…안녕하신가! ë‚´ê°€ 짜증난다는 오전과 미소가 너무 많이 나는 마리화나 ë‹´ë°° 안 피워요!…

You can translate that here. At any rate, Kelly gets the Scar gig on this version of TC, and actually has a bit more foodie experience than I, having been a judge on Iron Chef America, where I’m sure she had a lovely time giving her opinion on Ten Different Dishes Made With Turnips. She’s so perky I think she’d probably still be smiling and chatty during super-uncomfortable situations like divorce arbitration or a colonoscopy.

Displaying her slightly sharklike grin, Bok Choi informs us that instead of a “Judges Table” this show actually will have a “Critics Table”, spearheaded by sexy nonagenarian Gael Greene, who has been a New York Restaurant Critic for over forty years, and strongly reminds me of the oldest drag queen I know, one Miss Visa D’Klein…

…”In my day it was considered provocative to wear a hat… now I just take out my dentures and whistle…”…

It appears that Gramma Greene has an inexhaustible supply of hats. And apparently no gag reflex either. Joining her, we have a Very Pinched-Looking Nerdmosexual named James Oseland, who is the editor-in-chief of Saveur Magazine and in dire need of a good bowel movement…

…either that, or maybe someone just filled him in that there’s no sexy Daddy Tom on this show…

As if these two weren’t potent enough boner-killers, we also have a nastyfug Englishman by the name of James Rayner, a restaurant critic for the London Observer who’s about as erotic as a pile of toenail clippings…

…I also suspect that when Gramma Greene’s gums whistle, he comes a-runnin’…

Ugh, and he’s sporting not just one, but two hairy witchmoles, one on each side of his mouth, like he’s some kind of FugTaserâ„¢. *shudder* Toby Young may be a bald little prick-bastard, but at least I could see grabbing a stick of butter and bending him over a serving table once in a while… this guy, on the other hand, is just plain unfuckable.

I was beginning to get frightened that there would be no one familiar on this parallel-universe version of Top Chef when suddenly, like a vision of Madonna (singing “Like A Prayer” natch!) the dark clouds parted and my eyes were soothed by the visage of our beloved Gail Simmons from Food & Wine Magazine!!…

…”If anybody serves me any burnt charred rubbery eggs I’m outta here!”…

I guess Gail musta drawn the short straw out of the old crew. Or this is her punishment for having had the temerity to go off and get married in the middle of last season. Either way, I’m super-happy to see her, and on a fun little side-note, one of my good friends who works for American Express reminded me that technically Gail is also an AmEx employee (since Food & Wine is owned by them) and told me that her email address is listed in the company directory… along with an admonishment that no one should email her. Ever.

Okay, so getting on with it, the way this show is going to work is that they have chosen 24 of the “most celebrated chefs in America” (a thousand bucks says whoever invented the Double Whopper with Cheeseâ„¢ isn’t among them, which is a damned shame) to compete in groups of four. The six winners from these groups will then compete against each other in the Champions Round for $250,000.00 in prizes PLUS $100,000.00 to be donated to the charity of their choice by Glad Sammich Bagsâ„¢ and the title… of Top Chef MASTER!!

Tonight’s show opens in Los Angeles, CA, and our first Master to enter the GE-Monogram Arena is one Michael Schlow (unfortunately pronounced to rhyme with “cow” instead of “blow”) who hails to us from Baahston, Mass and is the chef and co-owner of Radius Restaurant…

…aaaaand I’m just gonna call him Schlubbo…

Of course, since this is Top Chef Maaaasters, Schlubbo feels the need to impress us by telling us he’s also the chef at Via Matta, Great Bay (which is now closed), two Alta Strada locations and also 606 Congress. This explains why he has no time to clip that pesky nose-hair bouquet he’s growing. How can he be a chef at six different places at the same time? It appears that all his work as Super-Chef is making him a tad cranky, as they show him at work and screaming “I need that tuna… NOW, come ON, I need it!!!” I’m guessing that several of Schlubbo’s underlings are going to be watching this show and hoping he will crash and burn.

Ahhhh, look who’s popped in for a 12 second cameo!…

…helloooo BaldBear!…

Daddy Tom’s here to tell us that Schlubbo loves him some Italian food and that his passion is to travel all around Italy and bring back “authentic Italian flavors”… and here I thought Chef Boyardee already tackled that mission. Schlubbo also preens a little and tells us he’s won the James Beard award (nice) and then rattles off several other awards and my eyes are rolling up to Jesus. Okay, we get it, you’re a badass.

Just when I was starting to think that Schlubbo was gonna fulfill the usual stereotypical role of Baahston Masshole, he saved himself by saying “I’m not sure any of us are truly masters, I think we’re all still students.” Awww, that was so sweet! Stop yelling at people for your damned tuna, then.

Our second Master to be introduced tonight is a funny foofyhaired Frenchman named Hubert Keller, whom you may remember from the very first challenge in Season One, and also the recent Finale of Season Five (a.k.a. Battle Of The Annoying Baldies)…

…”Bot yoo may coll mee Zee Mullet!”…

Hubert is the chef and owner of Fleur De Lys restaurants in both San Francisco and Vegas, as well as the Burger Bar at Mandalay Bay. He only works at three restaurants? What a fuckin’ slacker. Anyhow, Gail Simmons says he was awarded Food & Wine Best New Chef in 1988 (that explains his hair) and has also trained the staff of the White House in “healthy cooking”! It’s a safe bet to say that training must have happened post-Clinton, I’m sure.

Monsieur Mullet actually seems to be pretty down-to-earth, though, “Ze scarry part eez when zey start geeveeng yoo Lifetime Cheevement Award… eez like before you passeeng away zey queecklee geev yoo dat!” Awww, I like him already! He also wins some cool points by saying since he judged the first episode he now wants to see what it’s like to be on the other side of the judging…

…”And allzow I want too zee how wide my nose weel look wizzee feesheye lenz!”…

The next Master to come strutting in is Christopher Lee, who is the Executive Chef at a New York City restaurant called Aureole. He’s the recipient of the 2005 James Beard Rising Star Award followed by the 2006 Food & Wine Best New Chef Award. Gramma Greene piped up to say something else about two really super famous chefs that he studied with, but I was so fascinated by her dangling neck-wattles that I didn’t hear who they were. Sorry Chris.

At any rate, he attempts to convince us that he’s really not a cocky asshat when he says “I do consider myself still very young in this industry and I have a lot of respect for the generation that trained me.” Which is a nice way of saying “Get out of my way, geezers, C.L. is indahouuuuuse, bitch!” He further annoys me when he channels Hoser from last season by saying “I’m bringing excitement and bold flavors… look out!”…

…now all he needs to complete his Douche transformation is to point at us and wink…

Maybe a little less attitude would be in order considering the restaurant you work for sounds like the hairy part of a nipple, K Chrissy-poo? Moving along, the last Master in line tonight is Tim Love, and he’s the requisite “maverick chef” who hasn’t attended any formal culinary school, nor has he trained under anybody famous…

…unless you count Chubbles the Juggling Rodeo Clown as famous…

Timmy owns the Lonesome Dove Western Bistro in Fort Worth, Texas, and he’s convinced that his lack of high-falutin’ training makes him an underdawg… but he’s also convinced that this will work to his advantage, somehow. “Y’know, Ah’m jest a cowbowoy!” he drawls. I think he’s just trying to make excuses for his getting hammered on the job with his staff…

…really, I’m just jealous because this behavior is not considered acceptable at my own workplace…

Now that they’ve all gathered together, Bok Choi comes strolling in to welcome them to the new Too-Expensive-For-Regular-Folks-Kitchenâ„¢ and is ready to roll out their first Quickfire Challenge! My excited grinny-grin quickly turns into an annoyed frowny-frown when she says that each week they’re going to “bring back a favorite Top Chef Quickfire” for the Masters to compete with…

Um, OK…. A) Way to recycle old challenges Bravo and B) not have to pay anyone to come up with newer, harder ones for these guys and C) “favorite Top Chef Quickfire” of whom, exactly? Certainly not the cheftestants, they all hate the Quickfire, and I doubt it’s the judges, because that’s when they get subjected to things like the Poopy-Cheeto-Erection of Season Two…

…what you get when you mix Ex-Lax and Viagra…

Ah well, Bok Choi’s still perkily spouting away saying that across five seasons of Top Chef, there’s one dish that strikes fear into the hearts of competitors… and of course that dish is DESSERT! Bwahahahahahaha! Schlubbo immediately shits his pantsies, because even though he works at 143 different restaurants, he still doesn’t have any formal bakery training, and this is the one challenge he really didn’t want to have to do! Wah wah wah. I wish he’d shut it, because Bok Choi’s still yammering, bringing up how “extraordinary” Richard Flophawk’s “banana scallop” dessert was back in Season 4… because chopping up chunks of banana to look like scallops is amazing and innovative. This may sound weird, but I believe I remember my mommy putting “banana scallops” in my bowls of Cheerios as far back as 1973.

At any rate, the Quickfire Challenge is for them to come up with the most creative and delicious dessert that they can. Judging their concoctions today will be a group that knows a thing or two about sweets…

…members of the FFHA (Future Fag-Hags Of America)…

Cowboy Love correctly identifies them as Girl Scouts, and says he’s excited because he’s cooked with kids all over Texas. What that has to do with anything is anybody’s guess. Even better still, the chefs will be able to see and hear the girls’ reactions to their desserts, but the girls will be unable to hear the curses and threats being hurled at them from the chefs in return. Bok Choi is exhorting them to give the Scouties a dessert they’ll remember for “the rest of their lives”. Wow, they all better make some version of the Poopy-Cheeto then, ‘cuz I don’t think a slice of cake or a cup of pudding’s really gonna stick in anyone’s memory.

The girls will be able to rate the desserts with up to five stars, but here’s a twist… instead of the original 90 minutes the regular cheftestants were given, these Masters will only have 60 minutes (I think the mound of shit satchelled in Schlubbo’s pants just got even bigger!) and with that they’re off! The first thing Cowboy Love does is what any chef would do when asked to cook for pre-teen children…

…he downs a hefty slug of Cuervo…

I don’t blame him, but then he starts up with that juggling the eggs bit and saying he thinks he makes people nervous because “they don’t know wheyere Ah came from er hayow Ah learned er whut Ah know… Y’know Ah’m jest a punk frum Texas!” I think you make them nervous because they’re afraid you’re plastered and you are wielding several extremely sharp knives, Cowboy!

Le Mullet has smartly started out with melting some chocolate and says he is used to addressing dishes to an adult palate, and hopes he can make something that appeals to children. He’s going to try and make a chocolate swan out of meringue. Schlubbo’s also going the chocolate route, but says he’s making a chocolate cake that’s closer to a brownie with a honey-almond ice-cream to go with it. I’ll be right back, I need to bizzit my freezer and get ahold of something sweet and unhealthy. Oh wow, he’s not stopping there, either, he really wants to impress the girls so he’s also going to make them some “peanut-butter chocolate candies”…

…gee, like these?…

Cowboy Love is convinced kids love chocolate-covered strawberries. Then he decides to do a “chicken-fried strawberry” as well and a strawberry milkshake made with strawberries and what looks like tequila orange juice and possibly some crème fraîche and sugar. He says his kids just love it. I think chicken-fried fruit is a little vomit-inducing.

Cocky Lee’s a little bit flummoxed at how he’s going to be able to dumb down his bold flavors while “keeping his integrity as a chef”, so he’s making teeny-tiny french toast cubes and *gasp* banana scal– er, I mean, caramelized banana chunks cut to possibly resemble some sort of seafood, as well as some maple syrup fluff and an orange sauce. Oh, and it’s all smooshed together on a stick. He so impressed with himself that he thinks it’s good enough to put on his menu at Hairy Areolae…

…”Ha ha hahahaha, you mortal fools, tremble before me and my mighty fauxhawk!”…

With 10 minutes left, Schlubbo is adding a hefty sprinkling of flop-sweat to his desserts. This could be because his cakes are just not baking (did he turn the oven on?) and his ice-cream base has given up and liquefied itself. To make things even worse, suddenly his Kitchen-Aid Mixer stops working. Le Mullet helpfully switches his out so Schlubbo can continue putting the final touches on his disaster, while Cocky Lee and Cowboy Love just snicker. Schlubbo says he has now gained new respect for all the contestants who have to go through these challenges. Aw man, it just gets worse and worse for him! It appears that his giant chocolate’n'peanut butter turds candies have fused to the cooling rack and he’s having to pry them off with a butter knife, breaking them in the process…

…Reese’s Failuresâ„¢…

I really feel bad for him, because he wound up having to scoop a slightly-cooked piece of cake onto the plate, surround it with broken candies, dump some chocolate ganache on the whole mess and hope for the best. And with that, time runs out, and Bok Choi’s back to yell at them to put their utensils down! With real disgust he hands his awful looking plates to the servers…

…I’m sure this is exactly how Schlubbo feels right now…

And here’s how it ended up looking…

…like a big plate of intestinal disorders…

One of the girls immediately pipes up that it tastes like a Tagalong and the redhead says in her Just-Beginning-To-Be-A-Little-Bitch-Voice that she doesn’t really like this kind of chocolate very much. Another says a little bit less of “the melted chocolate” would be nice. Back in the observation area, Cocky Lee brightly observes that these girls are “dead honest, y’know, they’re not gonna lie!” Schlubbo replies “Well, I’ll be honest, my dish sucked!” and they all laugh.

Next up is Cowboy Love’s Strawberry Symphony…

…kids should always be served their desserts in a shot glass…

I’m kind of suprised at the fussy presentation, it’s not very kid-friendly, but the girls dig in nonetheless, and one of them says she really likes the chicken-fried strawberry because she gets to dip it in the chocolate, but Little Miss Redhead says she doesn’t like it because “it’s a little too soft”. The other Masters laugh about how tough a critic she is, but Cowboy Love looks like he’d like to plant a boot up her butt. Even worse, they all seemed to hate the awesome strawberry shake he makes for his little girls at home, one of them said it was “too sour”. FAIL.

Here’s the spread that Le Mullet put out…

…I would have loved it even more if he’d sprinkled a few chocolate jimmies near the mouse’s ass…

One of the girls likes the chocolate mouse-tail, she thought the fact that he made the food into characters was “so cool”. The other Scouties concur, they just can’t say enough about how awesome the presentation is, not to mention how yummy it is as they stuff their little faces full.

Now that they’ve been so complimentary to Le Mullet’s dessert, Cocky Lee’s pretty sure his is going to blow their little green socks off…

…with burnt bananas and cookie crumbs…

One of the girls immediately says it tastes like a hash brown, while Little Miss Redhead notices the “little bit burnt” part right away, and thinks it’s too crunchy, plus she doesn’t like the sauce. Cocky looks pissed now and is having to remind himself that he’s doing this for charity so he doesn’t march in there and commit Scouticide…

…Don’t worry, Cocky, I have a feeling this picky little girl is going to have plenty of solitary Saturday nights in her future to critique desserts…

Bok Choi takes their scorecards, thanks the girls and returns to the kitchen to share them with the Masters. Schlubbo got an average of 2½ stars (which he’s more than happy with considering how much that plate looked like a toilet bowl) while Cowboy Love got 3½ stars (which he also seems pretty happy with). Cocky Lee gets 3½ stars as well, but he’s not so happy about that, muttering “I guess…” under his breath. Ugh, quit trying so hard to pat yourself on the back for bananas’n'bread on a stick, dickface! Le Mullet, on the other hand, was awarded the full five stars! He seems genuinely surprised and pleased. Perhaps he is just a better actor than the others.

At any rate, these scores will now be added to the scores they will receive during the Elimination Challenge, which Bok Choi tells them will involve them going “back to college”. Cowboy Love starts to look nervous whenever anybody mentions anything having to do with organized education (because he’s just a punky Brewster from Texass!) and he’s about to grab another shot of tequila, but then they wheel in the table containing the toaster oven, microwave and hot plate (a.k.a. my entire kitchen) and she tells them they’re going to have to create a delicious 3 course meal for the Critics Table and a group of students at Pomona College using only those three items as cooking tools…

…excitement all around…

Schlubbo’s the first to come out and say he doesn’t even own a microwave! Not having a hot plate is something I can see, because the only thing I think they’re good for is committing arson, but not owning a microwave? That sounds UnAmerican! How does he make s’mores?? Anyhow, they get $150.00 to shop today, and they’ll have access to a “very limited pantry”. The following day they’ll be given 2 hours to prep and cook their dishes, and with that they’re off to Whole Paycheck Market for their 45 minute shopping spree!

While Schlubbo is shown frantically shopping he voiceovers that in the Elimination Challenge they are able to get up to 20 stars, 5 from the diners and 15 from the Critics, and these will be added to the stars they’ve already received from the Quickfire Challenge. Y’know, all this talk of 2½ stars and 3½ stars and such is reminding me uncomfortably of things like Star Search and Sam Harris…

…”Sugar Don’t Bite” still makes me cringe…

Nevertheless, back at Whole Paycheck, poor Le Mullet doesn’t know where anything is because he apparently never has to shop for himself, he’s used to just picking up the phone and ordering everything. In fact, he made the mistake of leaving his cart unattended for too long and someone took it!

Cocky Lee starts talking about his Chinese grandfather and that he taught him how to understand bold flavors and if I hear that term one more time I’m going to paste his head on a naked fat guy and post it here. Cocky goes on to say that the Masters might be getting ingredients they wouldn’t normally use because of the limitation of their cooking utensils, which is why he’s getting pork chops… he doesn’t remember the last time he cooked a pork chop, which means his dish will probably wind up uneaten in a garbage can on the Pomona campus somewhere.

Pore Cowboy Love ain’t farin’ no better, neither! He wants to get him some ground pork for a chili dish he wants t’do, but Whole Paycheck Market don’t sell none! Drat! Now he cain’t make what he wanted t’make! He winds up grabbing a bunch of random things and being the last one to check out while the others wait for him and pretend not to be annoyed…

…”Do I have time to go beat off in the bathroom?”…

The next day, the Masters return to Kitchen Arena and Cowboy Love makes a horrifying discovery. Instead of storing his foods overnight in a fridge, he accidentally put them in the freezer. Now everything he bought, including the produce, is frozen solid. Cocky Lee tells us that it’s not such a bad thing for proteins to be frozen, but the produce will just turn to mush when it’s defrosted now. I guess there’s no crispy salad coming from Team Cowboy Love today.

However, there’s nothing to be done about it but pack everything up and head over to Pomona College, where they discover that they’ll each be doing their entire prep and cook… in a dorm room. Excuse me while I yark up everything I’ve ever eaten, that’s just gross. Hopefully they got dorm rooms that belong to girls, otherwise their dishes may be peppered with a large amount of dead skin cells and pubic hair. Cocky Lee says it’s exactly like cooking a 3-course meal on a car engine. Minus the motor oil stains, I guess. He’s an idiot…

…especially if he thinks a mere towel will keep pubic crabs from infesting his cookware!…

Schlubbo’s disgusted with the filth of the room he’s working in and says the parents of the student who lives there are not going to be pleased. Oh, come on! What parent doesn’t dream of getting a call from their kid saying “Hey Mom! My dirty underwear is going to be on TV and might contaminate someone’s dinner!”

Le Mullet’s taking no chances, he’s covered everything with surgical sheets and says “I never madeet to collezhe andai never hadda dorm room, Eef I woood not have beecomm a chayf, I prolly woood have beeen a DJ today!” And what do you know, he’s not kidding!…

…”Juzz srow you handz een zee airrrr and wayyve zem like yoo juzz don’t cayrrrrre!”… *wikki*wikki*wikki*wikki* …

Cowboy Love is gingerly handling his frozen produce and trying to thaw it out, and vows that he’s still going to make a killer meal. I’m guessing he’s already had a few belts of tequila today. The girl whose dorm room he’s using arrives and he offers to let her taste some of what he’s making. “Ummmmm…. shhhhhure.” is her hesitant reply coupled with a dubious look, and that alone would send me back to bizzit with Mr. Cuervo again.

Here’s what Cowboy Love has planned for his meal…

…heyyy, shouldn’t that read bruised kale?…

He chose to go the raw carpaccio route with his scallops because they got frozen and he can’t sear them now. He’s also concerned about making the pozole (kind of a Mexican stew or soup) because he doesn’t have any hominy, which is apparently the entire basis of pozole, but he’s hoping to coax the same kind of flavor out of corn. All of a sudden he’s not concerned anymore and insists he’s “really happy” about his menu, which is leading me to believe he’s coaxing some more tequila into his system.

Zis eez what Le Mullet eez goeeng to mixx opp for zee peeplezz…

…he’s a DJ and he’s making macaroni & cheese??!? I’m in love…

He’s in the middle of cooking his pasta when he realizes there’s nowhere in the room to drain it. Sacrebleu! However, in a burst of quick-thinking inspiration he decides to take it into the bathroom and drain it in the shower. Bonne idée, Le Mullet! Then he uses the shower head and drenches it in cool water to stop it from cooking, which is another stroke of genius… I just hope nobody’s been playing Bidet Butt-Cleaner with that shower attachment. Or using the massage setting for other unspeakable solitary pleasures. Sorry, but it’s a college dorm shower, you knew I had to go there.

Cocky Lee’s menu obviously has the bold flavors…

…as well as all the other overused Top Chef buzzwords, like “ceviche”, “risotto” and “pan-roasted”… ho-hum…

The little slob who lives in the room that Schlubbo’s cooking in has shown up and gets a stern reprimand about why he didn’t make his bed. I’d be more concerned about the drifts of stiff, used kleenexes under the bed, but we all have different concerns. Here’s what Schlubbo’s going to pull out of this grubby little crib…

…and apparently that’s pronounced “A La PISHus”…

Schlubbo knows that he’s going to really have to wow everyone since he’s in last place. I just hope nobody gets botulism, especially since the Panel of Critics is now here to turn everyone’s stomachs…

…like I said before. Un. Fuck. Able. …

This group of uggos makes Bok Choi look even more gorgeously goddesslike. But I do love Gramma Greene’s retro-cloche hat. Very dragalicious. Anyhow, it’s time for the first course!…

Cowboy Love’s scallops look like pale boogers on a plate to me, but James Nerdmosexual seems to like them as he prissily says theres a “great perfumey rush” of olive oil. Jay FugTaser, on the other hand, bitches that if you use the word “chili” in the description, then he wants to feel that heat at the end. I think the chili just wilted and died on the way into his croggle-toothed mouth. Schlubbo’s salmon crudo seems to be doing okay, but FugTaser thinks it’s cheating to be saddled with limited cooking facilities and bring out a dish that’s not even cooked. Then he turns right around and heaps praise on Cocky Lee’s snapper ceviche.

Um, isn’t a ceviche also technically “not cooked”? Come to think of it, wasn’t Cowboy Love’s scallop carpaccio uncooked as well? I’m just a laygay when it comes to all this carpaccio/crudo/ceviche bidness, but it seems to me that FugTaser’s being a tad inconsistent on top of his annoying cranky Brit-schtick (a la Simon Cowell and Nigel Lythgoe and Toby Young). At any rate, Nerdmosexual nearly orgasms over Le Mullet’s Scottish Salmon (which was apparently at least semi-cooked, so no cheating complaints are made). Gramma Greene is mysteriously silent.

Time for the second course!…

Schlubbo’s cabbage soup is praised for “looking delicious” by NerdMo’ and FugTaser says it has “a lovely depth to it”. Gramma Greene finally pipes up that it has “a wonderful spicy aaaftertayyyste!”, while some random female student giggles obscenely and says “This one was kinda like an adventure in my mouth!”…

…Thanks for sharing. Now the whole country knows who the biggest dorm ho is at Pomona College…

Gramma doesn’t care so much for Cocky Lee’s risotto, she says the middle is soggy and soft. I think nobody ever cooks risotto correctly while under duress on cooking competition shows (i.e. see every single episode of Hell’s Kitchen) between that and gnocchi that always winds up with more density than lead pellets, there are just some dishes that the chefs would do well to avoid. Anyhow, Nerdmosexual defends Cocky’s risotto, saying that it still tastes good.

Moving on to Le Mullet’s carrot & pea soup, NerdMo’ does his Eartha Kitt impersonation when he says the veggies in it are “Just purrrrfectleeee cooked. Raaaarrr!” Ugh, he needs a beejay bad, cuz he’s taken off his glasses and is making sexyeyes at FugTaser. Bok Choi tries to remind them that she’s sitting there judging too and shouts nonsensically that she likes the taste of cinnamon. They all ignore her.

Lastly, FugTaser says laughingly that Cowboy Love’s pozole dish is “a bowl of food that really does match the dorm environment”, but NerdMosexual’s the one who makes me spew soda out my nostrils when he lispily insists that it would be “great football-watching food, it really isss delicssssiousssssssss!” By “football” I’m guessing he means “Mexican soccer”?

Finally, here’s our third and final course!…

Gramma Greene says she loves that Cowboy Love tried to do a simple dish, but NerdMosexual says it’s a bit too salty, and one of the students says the kale is extremely bitter. They move on to Schlubbo’s pork dish (which Bok Choi pronounces as “Pork A La PEEseeus”?) and FugTaser immediately clocks that it’s extremely peppery, while Gramma complains that the meat isn’t rare enough for her, and I’ve decided to avoid the obvious “meat” + “rare” + “old lady” joke. You’re welcome.

However, there are no complaints with Le Mullet’s creamy mac’n'cheese dish, and I wish I could crawl into my TV set and have some. Gramma says she got a wonderfully cooked shrimp in her first bite, and NerdMo’ agrees with her that it’sssss totally delicssssiousssssssss. Another random student loves it, but says he’s never had seafood in macaroni & cheese before. He’s obviously never dined at a fine establishment like La Red Lobster where they serve it every single day. I know this because that’s the kind of life I lead.

Last up is Cocky Lee’s pork chop dish, and Dorm Ho’s back to giggle and say she thinks she tastes lemon in there, and she really likes it. Score yet another semi-sour adventure for her mouth! NerdMosexual’s spitting all over the table when he says “If you conthsider the factsths that that was cookthed on a hoth plathe, he really did pullth thatth offthppbllflblt!” OMG, this queen is a riot! It’s no wonder Daddy Tom will only consent to doing a 20-second cameo on this show, cuz girl, I’m one of the biggest fattest ‘mos you will ever meet in your life and he’s making me feel uncomfortable…

…he sounds like steam escaping…

Okay, he’s also making me feel more masculine by the minute. At any rate, Bok Choi thanks the students for coming and snarfing up a free meal and hands out their star cards while the Masters clean up and head back to face the Critics Table.

Once assembled, NerdMosexual asks Le Mullet if the execution of his mac’n'cheese dish was “all that it could be”, which gives DJ Mullet the opportunity to tell them about how he washed their pasta in a mildewy fungus-infected shower-stall. Kidding! He insists it was “vayrey cleeeen in dere” and NerdMo’ thinks that “just went into T.M.I.” Everybody cracks up and Gramma Greene is pissed until somebody explains to her what “T.M.I.” means.

On a serious note, FugTaser says he “didn’t get” Le Mullet’s carrot & pea soup, he thinks the cinnamon overpowered everything (NerdMo’ agrees). Bok Choi tries to pipe up again with how much she likes cinnamon. They still ignore her. Gramma, on the other hand, loved the cinnamon flavoring, especially in the croutons, which she couldn’t stop eating…

…”And I’ll pop the balls of anyone who disagrees with me!”…

They praise the honey-curry-cayenne-vinegar sauce that Schlubbo used on his pork dish, but Gramma’s still disappointed that it was so overcooked. Schlubbo insists he’s not making excuses, but then turns around and blames the hot-plate for not being strong enough to put a good sear on the meat. So he’s making excuses. However, Gramma Gael loves his cabbage soup so much she still has bits of bacon stuck in her dentures. Yum.

Next, in an effort to garner sympathy, Cowboy Love gets to spin the sad yarn of his freezer mishap (leaving out the part where he was hammered on Cuervo and couldn’t find the fridgeamator) but inspires everyone with how he turned it around and came up with the pozole out of his ruined ingredients. FugTaser says he liked the skirt steak but that it was somewhat overseasoned, and NerdMosexual dittoes that on the kale.

Lastly, they grill Cocky Lee about his mushy risotto not being the classic al dente texture it should be. He instantly blames the dorm room setting as well. He also gives a long, boring, drawn-out story about how he seared his pork-chops until Gramma Greene dozes off and Bok Choi has to thump her a good one on the cloche to wake her back up…

…”And thaaaat’s enough outta you, Cocky!”…

The Masters are dismissed so the Critics can bitch some more, and they go back to a holding area that appears to be stocked with lots of booze…

…it’s good to be the Masters!…

BTW, in case any of you were wondering about my nickname for Jay Rayner…

…this is the FugTaser in action…

Ugh, he so reminds me of Tom Baker’s Doctor Who in the 70′s. Anyhow, after rehashing all their previous critiques, they decide their scores and call back the Masters…

…who are all a bit schnockered now, especially Cowboy Love, who’s playing an aggressive game of pocket-pool…

They start out with Schlubbo, who had 2½ stars from the QuickFire. He received 3½ stars from the diners and 2½ stars each from Gramma Greene, NerdMosexual, and FugTaser, which brings his total to an unlucky 13½ stars.

Cowboy Love had 3½ stars from the QuickFire, and his diners score was only 3 stars. He also gets 2½ stars each from Gramma and NerdMo, but FugTaser hands him 3 stars, bringing him up to a total of 14½ stars, which means that Schlubbo has lost and is going home…

…I guess Bravo figured we might all be bad enough at counting to need a visual comparison…

You can tell that Bok Choi really relishes the fact that she gets to tell him to return to the kitchen and pack his knives. She prolly practiced that line for weeks. Still, it sounds way better with Scar’s lugubrious intonation. *sigh*

Cocky Lee’s got 3½ Quickfire stars, and got 4 stars from the diners! As for the critics, NerdMosexual gave him 3½ stars, while Gramma Gael and FugTaser gushed and handed him 4 stars each, putting him at 19 stars total, and now Cowboy Love is the one being sent to pack his knives, saddle up and hit the trail…

…sad harmonicas…

Last up is Le DJ Mullet, who had a perfect 5 star score from the Quickfire. He also got a 4 star score from the diners. FugTaser bitched about the cinnamon soup again and only gave him 3½ stars, while Gramma and NerdMosexual gave him 4 stars each, landing him 20½ stars and making him the first Top Chef Master to advance to the Champion’s Round!…

…I guess the other five champions all have to have mullets, too…

He also wins $10,000.00 from Lexus for his charity, which is the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and Bok Choi tells Cocky Lee that he fought a good fight, and that he and the other loozahs will also receive checks to their respective charities. You can tell Cocky’s still reeling from the news that he actually lost…

…”But I was the one with the BOLD FLAVORS!”…

Le Mullet is quite gracious about his win, and knows that when he comes back in a few weeks it’s going to be back to square one against even better chefs. Cocky Lee says he now understands the suffering the Top Chef contestants go through. Cowboy Love says the challenge pushed him a little bit, which he claims to enjoy, but my favorite comment came from Schlubbo, who says he’s glad he did it because it was a humbling experience, which he believes most chefs could use a little dose of now and then. Amen to that!

And there we are! What did you think of this show? Do you like the altered format from regular Top Chef? Are you excited to see some of these guys crash and burn under duress? Do you miss Daddy Tom as much as I do? Can anyone tell me why some of these chefs are wearing white jackets and others (like Le Mullet) are wearing black ones?

I hope you enjoyed my take on this show, and truthfully, if I got anything grossly incorrect, please feel free to point it out so’s I’ll know for next time. I buggered my BF with so many questions that he got irritated with me and went to bed. We’ll see you next week for a brand new episode and four new Masters!

love, J-Mo