Top Chef Masters: Love/Hates And First Dates

Hey y’all foodie fans! Remember how the last time we were all watching Top Chef it was Christmastime, and we were all super-depressed because our sweet and cuddly Kevin “DirtyBear” Gillespie didn’t win and that blade-nosed cocky assfuck Michael “Li’l Volt” Voltaggio did, and we all ate ourselves into a coma on pork ribs and macaroni & cheese and cookie dough ice cream? Well, it’s four months later, and I’m still eating like that, so I suppose I need to find a new excuse. Well, luckily for me, along comes a new season of Top Chef Masters…

…along with it’s cast of unfuckables…

…and BINGO! Brand new excuse in place for the next ten weeks! Thank you, Bravo! On the real side, I’m especially grateful to be back in FoodLandâ„¢ after the ten weeks of sheer torture that was Shear Genius 3. Finally we get to see some real professionals duking it out for charity, which totally beats watching creepy grinchy blonde lesbodudes and teeny screechy bitchy tattgirls competing with each other to see Who Can Out-Douche The Gosselins? Plus, we get to see these chefs making delicious food for completely ungrateful people, and who among us can’t relate to that? So, let’s grab another box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and take the jump!…The first thing I notice about the return of Top Chef’s uglier older sister is that it’s hostess Kelly Choi is looking a little harried, as though she’s irritated or aggravated by something…

…”When are people gonna stop asking me what it’s like to be the ‘poor man’s Padma’??!?”…

Poor Bok Choi. Someone should tell her that’s never gonna go away. Anyhow, right away we find out some things have changed. This time out there are only 22 Masters competing, and six of them are returning from Season One, such as the adorable Teddy Graham Eliott…

…seen here as a mild-mannered (if chubby) Clark Kent…

…and seen here as a Chubby Chippendale…

Woof. More on that later on this season. Another thing about this show that has changed is how the charity prize money is distributed. The grand prize remains $100,000.00 for the Top Chef Master (this time donated by Sprint, the Leader In Cellular Call Dropping), but now they will also get $5,000.00 per Quickfire, in addition to the $10,000.00 per Elimination win. Also slightly changed is the way we’re gonna get to the Champion’s Round. Tonight’s episode has six chefs competing for two spots at the Champion’s table. Let’s start meeting them!

First up is Govind Armstrong who is the owner of a restaurant called 8 Oz Burger Bar on Melrose Avenue in L.A., which should really be called the 8 Dollar Burger Bar. He claims he started “working with” Wolfgang Puck at his famous flagship restaurant Spago when he was only thirteen…

…”It’s where I first learned how to overcharge.”…

Really, Govie, at just thirteen? Were you running the bar, or in charge of security? Personally, I think if I was paying upwards of $100+ a head for dinner, I wouldn’t want to know that a 13-year-old had been anywhere near my food, mostly due to the fact that they are often really new to things like puberty and personal hygiene. Plus they tend to beat off a lot and they never wash their hands. Or maybe that was just me at 13. Anyhow, I’m sure that he’s learned all about proper food-handling etiquette in all these years, even when sporting a full head of enormous dredlocks…

…Aaaaaaand hairnet? Pretty please?…

And look, here’s The Angel Of Death Gael Greene to tell us that Mr. Milli Vanilli here is “really a rock star with his fabulous good looks and unique California style!”…

…*translation*: “I’d fuck him.”…

Ahhh, Gramma Greene, so good to see you hear from you again, and you’re still just as creepy as ever. Let’s move on to Susan Feniger, whose latest restaurant Street is actually just down the street from my BFF’s Erick and Garilyn. She also is involved in other restaurants, such as Ciudad (which means “city” in Spanish for all our non-Southwestern friends) and Border Grill (not to be confused with making a “Run For The Border”… there are no CrunchWrap Supremes to be found there). Susan seems nice enough, even though she has a penchant for Harry Potter glasses and overly wide grins…

…thanks for flossing, ChicleTeeth!…

James Oseland is here to tell us that she loves global cuisine and has travelled the world and a bunch of other stuff, but I stopped listening because I can’t get over the fact that he’s ditched his pasty look for something a little more on the medium-well side…

…still needs more chin, though…

Way to go, NerdMosexual, you look good better with a little color! Next up is Ana Sortun, who is the owner of Oleana in Cambridge, MA. She claims to love pressure and deadlines, and if so, then she’s in the right place, because this show is filled with that kind of shit…

…as well as random fish-eye lens shots…

She’s also got a bit of a big-eyed, strong jawed, Marla-Hooch-In-A-League-Of-Their-Own thing going on…

..♪.It had to be yoo-hoooo.♪..

And here’s our only tie-in with the real Top Chef, Miss Gail Simmons of Food & Wine magazine, telling us that Hoochie Marla there “combines modern Mediterranean flavors with a deep-rooted love for farm-fresh cooking!”…

…”And she’s great on second-base!”…

She’s also been in the running for the 2010 James Beard Outstanding Infielder Chef Award. Yay, Marla!

Next up is Jerry Seinfeld. Wow, I didn’t know he did anything other than awkwardly unfunny bad-marriage shows, but now he’s a chef, too? Wait, sorry, it’s Jerry Traunfeld, who owns a place in Seattle called Poppy and has actually won the James Beard Award for Best Chef Northwest, and Gail Simmons says he was a semi-finalist for the JB 2010 Outstanding Chef award alongside Marla Hooch…

…”But I didn’t win. What’s the deal with that?”…

He’s followed closely by Jimmy Bradley, who is the owner of both The Harrison and the far more oddly named Red Cat restaurants…

…”I really wanted to call the place Pink Pussy.”…

It turns out that Jimmy’s original sous-chef is none other than Harold Dieterle, the first ever winner of Top Chef, so he says he’s definitely ready to jump on in there and isn’t afraid at all to compete. It’s just going to the dentist that apparently terrifies him.

Our last Master of the evening is Tony Mantuano of Chicago-area restaurant Spiaggia and who carries the distinction of being “President Obama’s favorite chef”…

…which would explain the size of his head…

He tells us to think of him as “the Ferrari of Italian food”. So far I’m kinda thinking of him as “the Hummer of this episode”… you know… oversized, douche-driven and full of gas? Anyhow, Jay Rayner’s here to tell us that Tobama here trained at restaurants like Del Pescatore, which is apparently one of the best in all of Italy…

…Jay’s also here to show off the brand new node he’s grown for his FugTaser…

Yeesh, it’s clear he never reads press (or TVGasm) on himself, huh? In any case, Bok Choi welcomes tonight’s Masters to the Top Chef Masters Kitchen and lets them know they’ll be bringing back both favorite QuickFires and Elimination Challenges from the past 6 seasons of Top Chef. And it’s time for the first QuickFire right now!

She wheels out a cart with six lidded pots on it and instructs them to each take one but not to lift the lids and look inside just yet. Once they have them, Susie ChicleTeeth is the first to open hers, and she pulls out a red apron, as does Tobama Mantuano. Govie Milli Vanilli pulls out a green one along with Jimmy Crogglemouth. Marla Hooch and Jerry Not-Seinfeld land the blue aprons. Bokky says for them to stand next to each other, because they’re now partners for the QuickFire.

Tobama immediately says having ChicleTeeth as a partner makes him nervous, “She really has a great sense of humor, but at the same time you have to be serious at a point and you’ve gotta get the work done.” Jeez, calm down Tobama, you guys haven’t even gotten started yet, and it’s not like y’all are cooking for the President tonight! Trust, it’s way more Z-list.

So the team that wins today’s QuickFire will each get $5,000.00 towards their charity, which is really exciting for Not-Seinfeld, since his charity is the International Gay & Lesbian Human Rights Commission, or, as I like to call them, “Igglehurc”…

…because the world is made of big green gay people…

All kidding aside, this charity does some difficult work in some very scary places. Over 80 countries still criminalize gay people for simply existing and identifying themselves as gay, which seems insane to many of us, but then take a look at how panty-twisted people get here in the U.S. over us queers trying to get married (and I don’t know why, it’s not like we wouldn’t invite straight people to our weddings, we love to share cake and do the Electric Slide in big groups!). *sigh* Anyhow, so now we know that Not-Seinfeld is also a member of Team Rainbow.

Bok Choi says L.A. is the “land of many cuisines” and they’re going to head on over to ChinaTown! 性感的母亲! Plus, they’re going to get their ingredients from a place that Bokky says “serves hundreds of people every day!”…

…”Meow, meow, meow, meo–ACCKKKLLLRRRGGHHhhhh!”…

KIDDING! I know that dogs get eaten way more cuz they tend to be meatier. In any case, the Masters all head out in their Lexii (is that the plural of Lexuses?) and on the way there Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth are busily working out an awesome menu of Chinese delights, as are ChicleTeeth and Tobama…

…in other news, Lexus’ committment to safety features extra long extra strong backseat-belts…

So they’re all driving and driving and driving and feeling like they’re getting nowhere fast (which is totally normal for L.A. when it can take you upwards of an hour to go 3 blocks to get cigarettes and a Diet Coke and head back home again) and then finally they all turn off the street and meet Bok Choi…

…who’s standing at a fuel-dispensing station that rhymes with “Klevron”…

Once everybody figures out that they’re not there to gas up the Lexii, they realize with slowly dawning horror that this is the “gas-station Quickfire” from way back in Season One, when Leeanne Wong won with a “Funyunâ„¢ Battered Baloney Spiedini” (which is a fancy-schmancy way of saying “fried baloney sammich dipped in Funyuns”). Now it’s the Masters’ turn to make a gas-station dish with nothing but Doritos, Corn Nuts and Yoo Hoo to choose from.

Guess who’s mega-pissed about this? Milli Vanilli! Yeah, he and CroggleMouth had already pulled this awesome on-the-spot Chinese menu “out of their ass” and now they have to do something diffewent, and Miwwi Vaniwwi no wikey, po babee! I love how these people are so judgmental when they’re judging on the show, and then when they’re the ones having the twists and turns thrown at them they get all pouty and just wanna stand there with their arms crossed and bitch…

…Exhibit A…

While I’m sure that their ass-menu would have been very tasty, I think they should just STFU and start thinking in another direction. Bok Choi’s saying that they’ll be cooking for a group that knows a lot about eating out of gas stations. Please, oh please say it’s a group of Hell’s Angels! Nope, instead it’s a “touring rock band” known as “The Bravery”. OMG, Tobama totes knows who they are, he’s had them on his iPod for the last couple of years now! He looks like he expects someone to give him a cookie as a reward for being so “hip” and “now”. Let’s check out The Bravery and their awesome album cover…

…What an apropos image for a whiny bunch of “rock stars” waiting to be fed…

Tobama thinks that any supercool band like The Bravery who spends as much time touring as they do is prolly a great judge of “food on the road”. Oh yes, I’m sure they’re the feared critics of the Denny’s and JB’s and Stuckey’s crowd. Anyhow, Bokky says they’ll have to bring back all their ingredients back to the Master’s Kitchen where they’ll have 45 minutes to cook, as well as reeeeally limited access to the TC Pantry. Like, salt’n'pepa and maybe some butter, and that’s it. And Pop Rocks. In any case, she gives them all 15 minutes and a $20 bill and turns ‘em loose on the Food Mart!

Immediately Milli Vanilli heads right for my all-time favorite, a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese! Because he apparently feels that’s not enough nuclear orange for one meal, he decides to also grab a bag of Chee-Tos off the shelf at random (which will come back to haunt him later on). CroggleMouth’s thinking maybe they’ll grab a V8 and heat it up for “tomato soup” to go with their Mac’N'Chee-Tos. Blech. Then he suggests feeding the band “cat food tartare” and I can’t help but giggle, mostly because I would love to see these douchebags trying to give a serious critique of it, LOL.

Meanwhile, Tobama’s going through the “fresh produce” section, a.k.a. a basket of mushy apples and some brown bananas, while Marla Hooch is just kinda grabbing familiar items at random, such as rice and butter and pork rinds and condoms. Not-Seinfeld has this awesome idea to use Clamato (Clam + Tomato = Pungent Barfiness) to make some kind of sauce with…

…and just to be safe in the close quarters of the studio later, maybe grab some of that Listerine on the right…

Milli Vanilli’s coming to the realization that he was a total dick when he was a Judge on Top Chef Season 3…

…and that he came within an ace of being swung by the dredlocks through a plate glass window by the Human Giraffe CJ…

…and now that he’s being forced to work within the TC Paradigm Of Impossibilityâ„¢ he’s gaining “more insight as to how these competitions go”. Yes, Milli… most often that’s “up in flames”. Let’s get back to the TC Masters Kitchen and get to work!

CroggleMouth says he and Milli Vanilli are going to make “Chee-Tos Macaroni with grilled Slim Jims”, and he’s getting ready to dive right into the creation of this heavenly bit of ambrosia when he opens the bag of Chee-Tos and discovers…

…it’s their Time Of The Month!…

“Ooof! Wrong color!” he exclaims. Yeah, it turns out that during Milli Vanilli’s willy nilly grab bagging, the silly billy picked up the “fiery hot” flavor instead of the “regular artificial cheese flavored” kind, so now their sauce is going to be an appetizing color I will call “radiation sickness magenta”.

Meanwhile, Susie ChicleTeeth has been using her farm-fresh-(several-days-ago)-produce to make a sweet fruit salad to use in a bread pudding. Tobama’s worried because they’re stuck using only the finest in refined and processed white Wonder bread…

…please, the only thing more white bread than this are the members of The Bravery, they’re bound to find it mystifyingly exotic…

To firm things up, Tobama’s decided to sauté the bread a bit and tell us that the charity he’s selected is Feeding America, which he says supplies food to 25 million people a year. Wait, in America? North America? You have got to be fucking kidding me that in this country we fail at making sure everybody has enough to eat! Ohhh, that’s right… it’s because we’re too busy spending time, legal resources and legislative power making by-God for certain that the Evil Adam And Steve don’t get to have their perfect wedding day. But here, have some moldy government cheese while you wait for us to get our collective thumbs out of our asses and subsidize a school lunch or two. Fuckers. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah! Making fun of TV!

Marla Hooch says she and Not-Seinfeld are planning on making a rice cake with a romesco sauce, except since they’re using that vile Clamato crap, they’re going to call it a “Clamesco sauce”…

…as if a clever name will erase the fact that it still tastes like feet…

Not-Seinfeld thinks their dish tastes really good, though, he likes it’s “deep flavor” and “interesting spices” and believes it looks very refined for basic ingredients that came from a Kwik-E-Mart. He also takes a brief moment to live up to our National Gay Stereotypeâ„¢ by being behind-the-back-bitchy and saying the Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth’s bloody-red dish is scary-looking, and that it’d be something he’d “have a hard time eating”…

…as if he hasn’t had worse things in his mouth…

Oh well, bitch doesn’t have to eat it, that’s what we have The Bravery here for. To be brave. Time is up, let’s have a commercial!…

…and speaking of crabs, are you guys getting excited to see Teresa and Dina from the Real Housewives Of New Jersey again?…

While the Masters all watch on a giant flatscreen in the Kitchen, Bok Choi sits down in the dining room with the members of The Bravery, and they are exactly as I imagined them to be…

…pretty much ass-clowns across the board…

Hey, Mr. Lead Singer Whiner, take your fucking hat off at the dinner table! Damned kids. In an effort to try and give this bunch of fucktards some kind of judging clout (and pretend this isn’t just a shameless cross-brand-promotion since The Bravery just happen to be on the Island Records label, which is owned by Universal, the same company which owns NBC and Bravo) we hear their Casiotoneâ„¢ keyboard player John tell us that The Bravery bravely spend a lot of time in gas stations at the microwave cooking up burritos. And that proves what, exactly? I spend a lot of time in the bank, but that doesn’t mean I have a lot of money, or that I even know how to get mine out.

Bok Choi points out that their bass player Mike has a culinary degree…

…and the level of success he’s achieved with it explains why he’s dressed like a cholo prisoner and playing bass in a rock band that eats out at Exxon a lot…

She asks what he’s expecting from the dishes he’s about to taste. Summoning all his refined eloquence, he blurts “It better be awesome, dude!” Yeah, you know what, Bass-Boy? I’m pretty sure these successful restauranteurs and master chefs are quaking in their Crocs over your Mickey Mouse culinary degree from EZ-Bake Oven University. Let’s get to the first dish, which belongs to Tobama and Susie ChicleTeeth…

…and the best way to mask that you have brown bananas is to call them “caramelized”…

The Braverys dig in and we hear such scintillating critiques as “Wow.” and “Lotta flavor.” and “I wonder if all the fruit and nuts came from just one snack-pack?” and then it’s pretty much just a bunch of chomping and burps. Mr. Lead Whiner thinks it’s too sweet, but their lead guitarist (who also happens to be named Mikey) says he’s a “dessert person” so he loves it. Mr. Culinary Degree remains oddly silent. Perhaps he’s choking on a nut.

Next up is Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth’s Cherry Mac-N-Chee-Tos…

…guaranteed to scare the beJesus out of you when your poo turns red the following day…

CasioToneâ„¢ John speaks up to say he loves Slim Jims, so he’s extra excited for this dish. They dig in, and it’s more munching and trying to look cool at the same time while having menses-colored cheese sauce dripping down their chins. Mr. Lead Whiner loftily says that he thinks of mac’n'cheese as “like, an exploration in bland.”…

…”Much like our music…”…

Ah, but then he says he’s really impressed by how much flavor they were able to get out of it. Well, I know it doesn’t have the spice of a double-bean-burrito at the 7-Eleven, but those were FIERY HOT CHEE-TOS they were using, so please, try to lower your impossibly high standards a little, K Whiney?

Well, that’s just asking a little too much of Mr. Mikey the Culinary Bass-Boy, who says the sauce is his least-favorite part, and haughtily opines that it actually tastes like a sauce that came from a gas-station. Ooooh, Milli Vanilli is pissed and ready to go in and get all Baby, Don’t Forget My Number on their boy-band asses…

…Girl, you know it’s true…

I can totally relate to his irritation here, these guys know fuck-all about food, especially with their gas-station palates, and that would chap my not-inconsiderable ass to have some dickbag complaining that my grilled Slim-Jims taste too Slim-Jimmy. Ah, let’s move on to Marla Hooch and Not-Seinfeld’s dish…

…that appears to be garnished with a giant toenail clipping…

Tony the Drummer-Dude pipes up to say it’s very “original” and that he can’t say he’s tasted anything like it before. Well, those are called “vegetables”, Tony, and they’re usually found in the upper-right-hand corner that you never bother to uncover on the TV dinner.

Lead Guitar Mikey says he has to keep reminding himself that these ingredients came from a gas-station, because they really taste like they could have come from “a nice restaurant”. Like Village Inn. Lead Whiner is back to beating the bland drum again, though, which makes Marla mad…

…and she’s ready to march on in there and change this group into The Cowardly Custards…

Not-Seinfeld isn’t real happy to hear the B-word, either. He thinks Lead Whiner keeps saying “bland” over and over because he’s used to a high-salt, high-fat foods from the convenience store. I’d say it’s just because he’s a dickface.

Bok Choi passes out the star-cards and has to explain several times how they work (five stars is the best, and zero stars is total shit, kinda like how I describe their band) and back in the Kitchen CroggleMouth says he can’t wait to listen to The Bravery’s POS album and tell them how much it sounds like Woody Allen during a 75-minute colonoscopy.

Results time! Marla Hooch and Not-Seinfeld receive only 3 blaaaaaand stars, while Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth get 3½ stars, which means ChicleTeeth and Tobama win with 4 stars! They each get $5,000.00 for their charities, which includes the Feed America people for Tobama (yay for everybody getting to eat!) plus Susie’s charity, the Scleroderma Foundation (yay for helping people with hardening skin and chronic pain!)…

…and yay for you guys keeping your cool and not murdering all five members of The Bravery!…

Time for the first Elimination Challenge of the season, and Choi-Choi says she hopes they enjoyed working in teams… because they’re staying in teams for this challenge as well! Milli Vanilli has a predictable reaction to this…

…Blame it on the rain…

I’m wondering if he’s not the sixth member of The Bravery, because now he’s whining that it sucks to be stuck in teams again, and that being paired up with somebody else can either “make or break you”. Okay, well then, let’s not forget who picked out the fucked-up kind of Chee-Tos in the QuickFire, K Milli?

Anyhow, Bokky says the Elimination Challenge is for them to cook a romantic duo-dish for 30 couples that will be out on their very first dates. Awww, how awkward! Tobama says he has tried to woo someone with food before on a first date, and he wound up marrying her!…

…but that was back when he still had a singular chin and some testosterone…

They’re going to get $350 and 45 minutes to go shopping at Whole Paycheck Market, and I have promised myself I wouldn’t recap what goes on over at Whole Paycheck because it’s always boring…

…except for today, *gasp* because there’s a sale on lentils! I’m kidding, they’re just running around the store looking at stuff…

…and marvelling at how quickly you can blow through $350 at this place…

Back in the TC Kitchen to begin their 2 hours of cooking, ChicleTeeth is super-impressed that Tobama cooked for her most favorite President evah, but she admits that their cooking styles are almost diametrically opposed to each other. Tobama thinks if he can cook food good enough for the President and the First Lady’s Date Nights, he can handle it for 30 random couples made up of nobodies. Yeah, I’d like to see him go on a first date now and see how successful he is. He may have those sleepy bedroom eyes, but as of now that’s about it.

Meanwhile, Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth have decided to make a duo of lamb, one’s going to be a seared lamb carpaccio, and the other one will be the standard lamb chop…

…only not nearly this cute or funny…

CroggleMouth says he served a version of this carpaccio dish to his girlfriend when he proposed, and she then said yes and became his wife…

…while he wisely kept his teeth covered…

He’s hoping it will work some magic for the diners tonight, and that it’ll maybe help the Masters form a “love connection” with the Critics. And I’m sure by that he means “with Kelly Choi” because I doubt he’s sprouting a boner for G.I.L.F. Greene, NerdMosexual or FugTaser.

Susie ChicleTeeth admits that she, too, initially wooed her partner (now of 15 years) at one of her restaurants, but it was a tough sell because the girl didn’t eat shrimp or garlic or anything…

…well, besides carpet, that is…

In the end, Susie admits she roped her Ladybird in with some fantastic cocktails, “I musta been trying to get her drunk!” You know…. ChicleTeeth seems really sweet, and I’m really liking her a lot, so I’m going to leave that one lay where it is tonight. You’re welcome, Susie.

CroggleMouth is having second thoughts about serving 30 plates of raw lamb, so he’s decided to sear it on the outside before he serves it. Other than that, he seems pretty cool about the whole thing. Of course, this means Milli Vanilli has to bitch that he’s running around doing all these reductions and sauces and broasting the racks of lamb and coloring his hair and balancing the budget and creating cold-fusion while maintaing world peace and “not to talk shit about Jimmy, but all he was really doing was making the salad.” You know, I’ve had about enough out of this tool, especially when it sounds like he’s just mad that he didn’t think of a simpler dish with less than 487 ingredients, and at this point I’m kinda hoping that…

…Girl, I’m gonna miss you…

Let’s check in with Marla Hooch and Not-Seinfeld. They’ve gone the exotic route by infusing their dishes with flowers. Marla’s doing a crispy duck leg buried in vermicelli and orange blossom, while Not-Seinfeld is doing a duck breast with red cabbage and the scent of (what else?)… lavender.

Ruh-roh, ChicleTeeth’s having some trouble trying to time her shrimp dish properly. She’s realized a little too late that as she pours hot sauce over them in their bowls they will continue to cook, and may become overdone, which makes them lots of fun to throw at other diners and watch them bounce off their heads, but they’re just not very tasty that way. Too late now, time is up! Let’s head on into Awkward Central!…

…and thanks, Bravo, way to perpetuate that stereotype that the gay guys are almost always better looking…

Well, at least one of them, anyhow. You know, I’ll never forget the first date that I ever had with my first serious boyfriend. We met up at Black Angus, which, back when I was a dewy-eyed boy with cheek-of-tan and very little worldly experience meant “fine dining” so I had dressed up in my best double-breasted suit with the cutaway jacket (very 1988), spent an hour on my bleached-and-blended mullet, selected just the right earring (my Janet Jackson key on a hoop!), spritzed myself generously with Obsession (for Men!) and scraped together every dime I had (in case I had to pay for dinner, I wasn’t sure how it worked with two guys going out)…. only to have my date “Kip” show up in a sweatsuit…

…we lasted eleven years…

Of course, by the time I met my current boyfriend I was a bit older and far wiser in a lot of ways, and I had pretty much learned my way around a man at that point. I met him on Christmas Eve in 2000, and he was boyfriends with somebody else at the time. However, I was feeling so full of the Holiday Spirit that I decided that I should be as giving as possible… so I took them both home with me and we had a massive menage-a-trois. Hey, there are weirder ways to meet future husbands. I can’t think of any, but I’m sure they’re out there.

ANYhow, back to the show! As our Critics get seated at their table, Bok Choi says she feels like she’s in love already. Jeffrey FugTaser’s quick to pick up on this and ask who with, and Bokky says “With you… you dirtyfug old man” and he replies “Oh, darling!” I sometimes wonder if they’ve ever been comfortable with each other since the whole “panna-cotta-should-wobble-like-a-woman’s-breast” comment he made to her last season…

…aaaaaaaaaand nope…

Thankfully here comes the first duo dish belonging to Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth…

…half of it is still noisily baa-ing, and the other half is dead-silent…

FugTaser immediately wants to know if they should be using cutlery on the lamb chop or just pick it up with their hands. Milli thinks that on this sort of occasion they should use their hands. Because, to paraphrase Gramma Gael’s BravoBlog, it’s fun and attractive to be slathered in lamb fat. Okay, she doesn’t really like it, but I think it’d be fun. However, as you’ve read above, I’m kind of a whore.

James NerdMosexual takes a bite of the carpaccio and says “That’s raw lamb”, but Gramma Greene pipes up that it doesn’t have that “lamb-y taste” to it. FugTaser loves the bright and sharp salad dressing. They cut to one of the first daters, and she’s making loud “MMMMMMM!” noises and talking with her mouth full and glaring…

…and pretty much guaranteeing that she will not get a second date…

As for Milli Vanilli’s lamb chop, NerdMosexual finds it interesting that it’s more chewy than the raw carpaccio. FugTaser thinks it’s “sexy” to pick up the lambchop and eat it. I wish he’d find it sexy to get those damned corn niblets removed from his face. At the end of this course NerdMosexual says the two dishes went really well together. Well, duh, they were both from the same damned animal, Nerdy! I’ll be more impressed if someone can successfully pair chicken and snakemeat.

Next up, it’s Marla Hooch and Not-Seinfeld’s Flowery Fleshbirds…

…wack, wack, wack, wack…

Bok Choi says that Not-Seinfeld’s duck is gorgeous, and FugTaser agrees! Gramma Gael likes the flavor combination with the cabbage and the yellow beets, and NerdMosexual says he loves the sauce (only add about a billion more S’s to it, and lots of spit) and thinks it’s really “romantic food”. We cut to another one of the diners loudly (and a little desperately) hoping that it will work for him in the same way…

…wack, wack, wack, wack…

As for Marla Hooch’s soup dish, NerdMosexual thinks the spicing is very expert but that it’s flat-out “ugly to look at”. Gramma Greene is finding it impossible to eat in any kind of “polite, gracious way” but Bok Choi’s sticking up for Marla, saying the dish tastes good, and FugTaser chimes in that that’s what he really looks for in food. In addition to that whole wobbly breast business. When asked how well the two dishes worked together, NerdMosexual says it’s like Marla’s dish wore her pajamas and Not-Seinfeld’s dish got all dressed up, they just don’t match…

…I bet his socks don’t either…

Last up tonight is Tobama and ChicleTeeth’s concoction that they call “The Love Potion”…

…#69…

Starting with Tobama’s homemade pasta with cheese and truffle, Bokky thinks it smells amazing, Gramma Gael loves all the layers, but NerdMosexual thinks there are too many of them. FugTaser says it’s not the lightest pasta he’s ever had, but he wouldn’t “kick it out of bed”. He wouldn’t have to, it’d be screaming in horror and leaving all on it’s own.

Regarding ChicleTeeth’s shrimp and scallops dish, NerdMosexual loves the heat in the broth, but Gramma wishes the shrimp were a little less cooked (as we feared). FugTaser thinks the combination of the toast and the garlic and the pepper and the seafood is “kickin’” How cute FugTaser is when he tries to talk all “streetwise”! Well, okay, not cute exactly, but, ummmmmm, precious? He goes on to say that both dishes are “intense experiences” which is what people want from a date. He neglects to add that they also want someone sitting across from them that doesn’t make them want to yark up dinner into their own napkin.

Time for Critics’ Table! And they’ve got a brand new set!…

…same scent of desperation, though…

The judges ask Milli Vanilli and CroggleMouth how well they worked together, and Croggle’s all “Ebony and Ivory!” while Milli’s dead silent, but his eyes are screaming “The Man is keepin’ me down!” Anyhow, NerdMo’ compliments CroggleMouth on avoiding the “steely, unpleasant taste” that lamb carpaccio often takes on. Gramma compliments Milli on the idea to pick up that lambone and just gnaw on it in front of your date. Sexy.

They give more love to Tobama’s pasta dish, although NerdMosexual wonders if the Taleggio cheese that was used in it wasn’t a bit too strong. Tobama’s like, eh, suck it NerdMo’, I cooked for the goddamned President a bunch of times, the cheese was fine. FugTaser zeroes in on ChicleTeeth, saying that her scallops were great, but what did she think of the shrimp? She’s like, yeah, they were a little overcooked. Fuggie says the broth was awesome, though, and that he wanted to just pick the bowl up and drink it, but he’s “too polite”. Not too polite to make awkward boobie comments, but broth-drinking is a definite no-no in his book.

Lastly, Marla Hooch gets a bit of a kick in the head for delivering a semi-fug bowl of food that was hard to eat without taking a bath in it, but they loved the flavors nonetheless, and Not-Seinfeld’s duck breast was perfectly caramelized, so yay for the gay!

Let’s check in on tonight’s Viewer Poll…

…you know you’re broke down when the ugliest guy on your show gets more votes for dinner out than you…

Poor Bok Choi! Anyhow, let’s get to the eliminating! Oh, and BTW, they’re not carrying over the QuickFire Stars anymore! Not-Seinfeld and Marla Hooch get 3½ stars from NerdMosexual and FugTaser while Gramma Gael gives 4, and the diners gave them 4 stars, giving them 15 total…

…and a chance to unclench their collective jaws for a moment…

Then CroggleMouth and Milli Vanilli are given 3 stars from FugTaser and NerdMo’, while Gramma Greene gives ‘em 3½ stars, and the diners gave them only 3 stars…

…making them our first loozahs of the season!…

Bye Bye Milli Vanilli! See you later CroggleMouth! I can’t tell you how happy I am that I’m not going to have to spend any more time looking at them teefs or listening to Millibitching!

This means that ChicleTeeth and Tobama need 15 stars to win. NerdMosexual and FugTaser remain the Twinsies on this one, giving them 4 stars each, while Gramma goes higher again, giving 4½ stars… and the diners gave them…

…enough to make them our first winnahz of the season!…

So now they each get $10,000.00 for their charities and two of eight spots in the Champion’s Round…

…and can anybody explain to me why they’re still using You-Bear Keller’s mullet silhouette here?…

Weird, but there we go! So what did you think of this episode? Isn’t it fun to see people competing who sorta respect each other for a change? Although, was Milli Vanilli the biggest whinybitch of this episode so far? Do any of you actually listen to The Bravery? And are you hoping for lots more Gail Simmons this season? I know I am. Thanks for joining me, taking the time, and I’m always super-grateful for any comment love you pass my way!

love, J-Mo