Top Chef Masters: Charity Begins By Not Being A Douchebag To People

Hey everybody, guess what? This is my hundredth recap for TVGasm! I know, right? It’s hard to believe I’ve dedicated almost two years of my life to writing mini-novellas about hairstylists and designers and models and chefs and bisexual famewhores. Time flies when you’re being a big fat bitchkitty, I guess. Seriously, though, this is such a great gig, I get to say pretty much whatever I want and sometimes Flipit and I have lunch together. I’m super-proud to be a part of this family of writers and readers, I’ve checked out other sites (like that one they advertise on TV all the time, what’s it called?… TelevisionWithoutHumor?) and honestly, we’re way more fun. So, I just wanted to take a moment out to thank the ‘Gasmii for reading and commenting (and giving me the love that I never had in high school) and all the other writers for keeping the bar set so goddamned high around here (you bitches are hatefully good) and lastly, a BIG thank you to Flipit for letting me join the crew on the spur of the moment. And now I think I’m gonna cry…

…imagine this face with a beard (and more moisturizer usage) and that’s pretty much what I look like right about now…

So, on to the real reason we’re all here… tonight’s episode of Top Chef Masters! It’s filled with lots of little “lessons”, too… we are going to see how badly some people can fuck up something as simple as a grilled cheese sammich, we are going to see how some people will refuse aid to others in order to win at any cost, and I think we may have found this season’s version of the ever-dickish Michael Chiarello (i.e. a Master that will cause me to do the happy dance when he loses). Grab your dinner Tic-Tacs and let’s take the jump!…

Hey, let’s take a look at this picture of Kelly Choi for a second…

…she’s the maroon and denim-colored vertical line in the middle, there…

Was she always this twig-like? Does that look like a “food-lover” to you? I dunno, but I’m a little disturbed by how thin she looks, and when you couple that with the brand new set of eye-bags she’s sporting this season, it makes me wonder if Miss Choi’s not working a little too hard. Then again, what the fuck do I know? Perhaps she’s just got a really high metabolism. Or a tapeworm. Either way, I’m hoping she really gets a chance to enjoy some food during this episode…

…because she’s starting to resemble a deflated love-dolly…

Things have been switched up a bit, only five Masters are competing tonight. The first one we’re going to meet is Marcus Samuelsson, who is the head chef and owner of a place called Aquavit (and if that restaurant name sounds at all familiar, it’s because it’s where Nils Norén from Season One Episode Five of TCM was Executive Chef.) Marcus here was born in Ethiopia but raised in Sweden by his adoptive parents…

…Black Bork Bork?…

He says that he is influenced by Africa, Sweden and NYC in his culinary style, and Jeffrey NerdMosexual says Marcus has an “encyclopedic knowledge of global cooking”. Oh really? Can he deep-fry a Ho-Ho? ‘Cuz that’s the cuisine of my people (the White-Trash Tilt-A-Whirl Operators). In any case, there’s something intriguing yet off-putting about him, and I can’t quite put my finger on it. I don’t want to be rude and flat-out call him a diva or anything…

…but this was awfully easy to do to his screen-grab…

KIDDING! Marquessa’s no drag queen (even if he’d be prettier as one). Next in line is chubdaddy David Burke, who owns seven restaurants, including the David Burke Townhouse in New York City…

…and look how cute he is, trying to cross his arms!…

He tells us he’s a gambler and will “put it all on the line for a competition”. Gail Simmons says Big Burke was recently inducted into the 2009 Who’s Who Of Food & Beverage In America…

…an honor that he keeps next to his “Clean Plate Club” membership plaque…

Big Burke isn’t kidding when he says he’ll do pretty much anything to win a competition, but we’ll get into that later, right now let’s meet our second chefbian of the season, Monica Pope who owns T’afia in H’ouston, T’exas…

…”Fish tacos are my specialty.”…

Actually, I kinda like Monica The TexBian, she displays a remarkably humble yet plucky attitude when she tells us “I don’t do high-falutin’ food, but I gotta believe I’ve got a shot.” NerdMosexual says her cooking is “splashy and worldly… but it’s Texan at heart.” Which means that it likes to wear big hair and shoot things, I guess? I dunno, but I think we’ve found this season’s first I-Didn’t-Go-To-Culinary-School Master.

Tonight’s other LadyChef is Carmen Gonzalez, who is Puerto-Rican born and resides in Manhattan. She tells us food is a part of their culture in P.R. and therefore it’s her passion. I think that’s great, but a little pointless, because food (and by extension, eating) is pretty much a part of every culture on the planet. Except in Hollywood…

…”Food is so much a part of my people that we eat every day.”…

Jay FugTaser calls CeeGee “a force of nature” and says she’s this teeny-tiny little person who “deals in huge flavors”. And then they show her serving up a pork chop the size of Jill Zarin’s ego…

…see how it dwarfs the tiny little two-tone Bethenny Frankel ego?…

The last Master in tonight’s episode is our first Frenchman of this season (Ludo comes lader) and his name is Thierry Rauterau (pronounced TARE-ee ROW-toe-row). Bok Choi calls him “The Chef In The Hat”…

…though he reminds me more of the Grinch plus Yoda…

Frightening he is, yes? Anyhow, Skary Bug-Eyed Thierry is the owner of Rover’s in Seattle, Washington, which NerdMosexual says is unique because of the way he blends his classical French cooking techniques with the local “Northwestern” ingredients, such as salmon and halibut and depression, and NerdMo’s expecting to be simply dazzled. You can add your own number of S’s and spit to that phrase. I’ll wait.

Skierry’s got a pretty sweet charity he’s going to assist, it’s called Food Lifeline and he tells us that they can pull out five meals for every dollar donated, which is absolutely amazing, I thought my mother was the only one who could do that. Naturally, if he wins the 100 grand, “Eez five-hundred-thousan’ meel!”…

…”An I weel zmile reel nize an beeg ad evryboddee, lige deez!”…

Awww, isn’t that sweet of him? Then he turns around and blows it all by saying “How mudge doo I wan to ween? Who doo I haf to keel?”…

…this explains why the children look nervous when he shows up at Food Lifeline…

Let’s jump on into the QuickFire Challenge, shall we? Bok Choi says that between this successful spin-off and hosting her other tv show, she gets to sample some of the most hoity-toity fussyfoods in the world… but one of her favorite things to eat is the humble grilled cheese sammich. Now Bokky and I have something in common besides being incredibly thin and gorgeous! I live for a good grilled cheese, especially if it’s made on Texas Toast with bacon and tomatoes and a side of extra-crispy fries and a great big ice-chilled Diet Coke…

Oh, right, this isn’t about me, it’s about Bok Choi. Grrrr. ANYhow, she says that since the Grilled Cheezer is so close to her heart, she’s going to be the sole diner and judge tonight. I must say that’s kind of a relief after last week’s Panel Of Assclowns. Oh, but get this, next week’s panel is going to be made up of the fucking Real Housewives of Orange County! Yeah, as if those bitches can taste anything besides booze, bank balances and breast implants covered in big-boy jizz. Talk about a limited palate.

Back to the Quickfire at hand, Tiny Carmen Gee says that one way to tell if a chef at a restaurant can actually cook is to order the simplest thing on their menu, then you can see what their technique is really like. I bet it’s also a good way to get laughed at by your fellow diners, plus you can tempt having a heart attack when you see just how much a fine restaurant is willing to charge you for a little toast and a couple of Kraft Singles. In any case, Bok Choi give the Masters a whopping 20 minutes to make the most amazing grilled cheese sammich evah…

…”And don’t fuck it up!”…

LOL she’s RuJuBee! Winner gets $5,000.00 and the chance to annoy everybody else! As they begin the usual Mad Scrambleâ„¢, Monica The TexBian says that 20 minutes may seem like a lot of time to bang out a simple grilled cheese, but this is the very first time they’re seeing the kitchen, so they don’t know where anything is…

…it might be helpful if she woke up…

Skierry says everyone knows what a “greeled cheez eez” and that he’s going to be a Master and “poot a tweest to eet” by using his secret ingredient, a red chunky paste he calls harissa. I had never heard of this stuff before but it’s apparently a kind of North African hot chili sauce made with tomatoes, paprika, and African Bird’s Eye chili peppers (comparable to habanero peppers in hellish heat). That sounds like fun for Kelly! Maybe after she eats Skierry’s sammich she’ll be able to shoot fire out of her asshole!

Meanwhile, Big Burke says he’s using a Cowgirl triple-cream cheese, plus some “prosciutt” (no “o” on the end when he says it, which is odd) as well as some roasted peppers. He says that although he’s a formally-trained chef, he’s very much one to “think outside the box” (which has become the most “stuck inside the box” way of saying “creative” ever)…

…”I totally think outside the box. Oh, and I’m gonna throw everybody under the bus. Because I’m not here to make friends.”…

So what is Big Burke’s big box-busting bunch of ideas? Well, for starters, he’s responsible for inventing the salmon lollipop…

…perfect treats for all you Jewish kids!…

Yay, cat turds on a stick! Barf. His other biggie is his line of no calorie, no carb, no fat, no cholesterol “Flavor Sprays” touted as part of the “Flavor Spray Diet”…

…with the fat-ass on the label…

Well, just because he’s the president doesn’t necessarily mean he’s also a member. In any case, this is actually a pretty good idea because healthy food tends to taste like cat turds on a stick, so if you slather it in buttery or chocolatey spray you can choke it down a whole lot easier. HOLY SHIT, he charges six bucks each for these tiny 2-ounce bottles? I take it back, he’s not a self-important blow-hard, he’s a fucking genius. Except oddly enough, the website for his products isn’t working. Hmmmmmm…

TexBian’s looking around and starting to feel a tiny bit outclassed as she realizes all the other Masters have formal training, and she only went to cooking school for about three months before ditching it in favor of just jumping in and getting on-the-job training at restaurants. She still thinks she’s got a leg up on this QuickFire because her 7-year-old daughter Lily has been bugging her lately to help her make grilled cheese sammiches, so she’s been playing around with the format prior to this. She’s decided to do a Moroccan-style sammich with feta cheese and raisin-walnut bread, which sounds exactly like the kind of thing a 7-year-old would go for.

Over in the tiny kingdom of CeeGee, she tells us she was known for “reinventing street food” in her native Puerto Rico, so her ideas are running along the lines of using tomatoes, avocado, garlic and cilantro. “I’m glad I still have my knife skills!” she says, right before she slices the shit out of her finger…

…ooh, and it’s her favorite finger, too!…

She blames it on having brand new knives, and the fact that she was just plain going way too fast and not being careful enough. CeeGee wants to make sure she doesn’t slice off any more fingers, or she could be at a distinct disadvantage here, and she really wants to win the $10,000.00 for her charity, the ASPCA, which, okay, I’m all for people not being cruel to animals, but is that really more worthy than feeding hungry kids? Eh, I guess in some people’s eyes it is, and there are days where I certainly prefer the company of animals to humans. For instance, my kitties never broke up with me by bringing some skanky dude home with them and having sex with him in my bed while listening to my Luther Vandross mix CD. I’m still a little bitter about that one, obviously.

Well, let’s move on to Diva Marquessa Samuelsson, who is saying that everything that’s happened in his life, from being orphaned at age three to being adopted into a Swedish family, has trained him to be able to “execute on everything” which makes no sense, but I suspect either wonky editing or his English is a little odd. At least we get to see a picture of his adoptive mother…

…seen here doing a gangster lean in the flower shop…

I gotta give it up, bitch be workin’ that flower-print for all it’s worth. That must have been a little weird for Marquessa to grow up in a country that’s 90%+ ultra-white people, and where the most soulful things around are ABBA and Ace Of Base. Anyhow, he’s competing for a UNICEF charity called The Tap Project, which works to help get clean water to people, especially children, and that’s a wonderful thing. I will have to keep that in mind later on when he starts acting like a dick.

Time is up, and Bok Choi comes sweeping in to the kitchen to try out her gourmet queso asados, starting with CeeGee’s offering…

…which she served bloody-side down…

CeeGee’s not getting much of a read on Bok Choi’s face, but she does say she likes her use of herbs in the sammich before moving on to Big Burke’s Boxless Bite…

…perhaps it’s missing some Flav-R-Spray?…

Jeez, could he have any more ingredients on that plate? All Bokky says to him is “Thank you.” and walks over to The Marquessa’s station…

…with it’s slivers of sammich…

Is that the Ethiopian portion? Did someone else (such as Big Burke) already eat the sammich and just leave the crusts? Did he forget this was supposed to be a grilled cheese challenge, and not a “Soup, Salad & Sammich Combo” deal? Right away Marquessa sets my teeth on edge because he’s hawking this dish as “telling his immigrant story”. Wait, what? Can anybody tell me exactly how gazpacho and gruyère says anything remotely Ethiopian or Swedish?…

…then again, two bites is prolly the perfect size sammich for her…

Bokky says the sweet and tangy flavors are nice together, and immediately heads on over to Skierry Rotorooter’s little slice of heaven…

…which looks just like Seattle: depressed…

She asks him if he’s ever made this kind of sammich before? “Nayvur!” he replies. She giggles at that and escapes over to Monica The TexBian’s creation…

…which is definitely more homestyle…

TexBian says she’s nervous as hell, and I notice she’s the only one not wearing a chef’s coat, just a T’afia T’shirt. As Bok Choi digs in she says (with her mouth full) that it’s an “exotic grilled cheese” and that it’s “lovely”.

Results time! Bokky says she really appreciated CeeGee’s simple sammich, it allowed her to just focus on the grilled cheese itself. On the other hand, she tells Big Burke that she loved the prosciutt(o) but “there were just too many elements on the plate”. She also loved Skierry’s harissa-enhanced concoction, but it left her wanting more of the taleggio cheese. As for TexBian, she says she was intrigued by the whole Moroccan-flavors thing, “I felt like I was eating a grilled cheese in Marrakech!” I giggled at that, and I don’t know why, but whatever, she liked it, I’m happy for poor nervous TexBian. Choi-Choi saved The Marquessa for last, and she’s praising him to the skies for his sammich exemplifying his “world cuisine” point-of-view, but the chef whose grilled cheese impressed her the most was… Monica The TexBian’s!!!…

…too bad her joy is cut short by an incoming slap from The Marquessa…

Oh, sorry, he’s giving her a “high-five” that just happens to come uncomfortably close to her face. So she wins $5,000.00 from Lexus for her charity Recipe For Success which tries to combat childhood obesity by teaching kids that food doesn’t necessarily come from a drive-thru window. Sometimes you have to go inside and order your Value Meal at the counter.

TexBian also gets an advantage in the Elimination Challenge, and boy is she ever happy. She feels like this was a validation of her instincts as a humble self-learned chef…

…enjoy this smile, because we won’t see it again for the rest of the episode…

In the category of Bitter Swethiopian Losers, we have La Marquessa, who says he’s pissed that he didn’t win the QuickFire, “I had an awesome dish!”…

…and an ego to match…

“I can’t believe that Monica beat me!” he whines. Well, gee, Marquessa, maybe it’s because she put down a whole sammich instead of three scant crusts and two giant side dishes? Asshat. You just know he’s sneering at her lack of culinary credit-hours, and this is part of what I find so interesting about this show, because we never see these high-end chef’s true personalities when they’re judging Top Chef or doing their own TV shows… it all comes out when they have to accept a defeat, though. Or, in his case, bitch about it.

Ah, fuck him. Let’s move on to the Elimination Challenge. They’re going to cater a “celebrity birthday party” for Mekhi Phifer!…

…who can’t be too famous if they have to remind us what shows he’s been on…

CeeGee is moist for Mekhi, and says he was her favorite on ER besides George Clooney, who would have been a real celebrity. In any case, Mekhi gamely forges ahead and says he grew up eating all kinds of soul food (curiously, he doesn’t mention having appeared in the film of the same name) and he wants them to cook their own versions of soul food for his b’day dinner.

TexBian’s excited, cuz her restaurant T’afia is right next door to a soul-food restaurant, and they’re always telling her that she does the exact same kind of food as they do, she just calls it something different. She leaves off the fact that they are also constantly telling her to stop stealing their menu or someone’s gonna get slapped.

Bok Choi says the party will be on the following evening at the Bond Street Rooftop Lounge in the Thompson Beverly Hills Hotel, and TexBian’s advantage in the challenge is that she gets first pick of proteins at Whole Paycheck Market, and nobody else can have that same protein…

…which just puts La Marquessa’s panties all up in a twist…

Time to hit up Whole Paycheck Market with their $400 each, and TexBian decides her protein is going to be shrimp. Sacrebleu! That’s what Skierry Rotorooter was going to use in the gumbo he was planning! However, I love the fact that instead of cursing TexBian and saying what a bitch she is for picking something that she had no idea he was planning on using (as La Marquessa undoubtedly would have) he just moves on and decides to use the same ingredients with a pork shoulder instead…

…it’s called “getting over it”…

Meanwhile La Marquessa is plotting TexBian’s downfall, “I think I will beat her up by being the focus chef the way I am!” Wow, watch your back Monica-girl! This is an interesting choice of words on his part in light of later events, and we’ll come back to explore more about his intense focusing in a bit. Someone should also clue him into the fact that if you’re going to foolishly come for a lesbian, you better be prepared to get hurt bad. My sisterfellas do not play.

CeeGee, on the other hand, is more respectful and says looking for weaknesses in the other Masters is kind of silly, “I don’t think that if they had too many weaknesses they would be here.” Still, she’s hoping her homey approach to Puerto Rican comida del alma will serve her well in a soul food challenge. Then she gets buried in a cascade of onions when she pulls the wrong one out at the display.

We haven’t heard much from Big Burke, who says he’s planning on doing more of his outside-the-litter-box thinking so he can win the cash for his charity Table To Table, which helps feed 6 million people a year…

…Sadly, their prayers for supplemental Flav-R-Sprays go unanswered…

Ah, well, people going hungry tend to not need a diet plan other than, you know, getting enough food to eat. Let’s head back to the (brand not advertised for a change) TCM Kitchen where they have one hour to prep their dishes.

La Marquessa’s feeling nervous because the Swedish cuisine he was raised with is a little light on soul food influences. He’s diving right into the pool, though, and plans to bust out with some fried chicken, mac & cheese plus collard greens. Meanwhile, Little Miss CeeGee’s planning on making a yucca mash with bacon in it (mmmm, sorta) to go with an oyster, corn and hot sausage stew. She’s still being slowed down a bit because of her (temporarily) extra large fuckfinger.

Big Burke says he’s going to try to make teensy little sweet-potato pot pies with crabmeat and put them inside of an eggshell, along with cornbread hush puppies and pickled watermelon rind…

…and kissed by a generous helping of flop-sweat…

He says It’ll taste like a Southern dish, it just won’t look like it. Someone whose dish will manage to look mighty Southern is Miss TexBian’s, because she’s planning on making shrimp’n'grits with okra & tomater jam. Her grits are apparently a crowd pleaser, and she’s hopeful that she’s got a shot at winning again. I would live for that just to see La Marquessa’s tits explode.

Skierry Rotorooter’s in the middle of searing his pork shoulders, and he’s taking a cue from TexBian’s QuickFire win, choosing to go with a Moroccan spice rub for them (so the diners can feel like they’re eating the other white meat in Marrakech!). He’s also planning on serving farro grain with bacon, plus a roasted cauliflower & brussels sprouts slaw. I say yes to the bacon part, but ullrgh to Cauli B.S. slaw.

Heading back over to CeeGee’s station, she’s packing up her food for transport and feeling “confident but cautious” about her chances the following day, but she unknowingly displays her eerily precognitive abilities when she says “There can always be an element of surprise that, you know, something might happen.”…

…such as forgetting to pack the stew that forms the main ingredients to your dish…

OMG, don’t you just love how the camera people always catch this shit? If I were ever on a reality competition show, I would totally be watching the cameras to see what they’re getting footage of. Since my cooking ability begins and ends with bags of Bertolli Pasta I doubt I will ever have to worry. In any case, poor CeeGee just can’t catch a break, and it’s about to get even worse for her.

The next day they head over to the hotel and meet it’s owner…

…who is clearly desperate to recapture his hetero-George Michael glory days…

Yes, only in L.A. does stubble on a high-end luxury hotel-owner makes you look cool and hip, not dirty and lazy-assed about shaving. Anyhow, they’ve got 2½ hours to cook their 125 portions all by themselves, which is not going to be easy for any of them.

CeeGee is scouring the kitchen and starts asking the others if they’ve seen her tray of stew. It quickly becomes clear that it’s not there, and she says if she doesn’t have it she can’t serve any food at all SO she’s going to head back over to the TCM Kitchen to get it and bring it back…

…sorry honey, but for the last time, your tray of stew isn’t hiding under that Ziploc full of bacon…

At this point TexBian asks her if she can do anything to help her out, and a grateful CeeGee pleads with her to just peel her yuccas for her (if she has time) and put them in a pot of water, and then she takes off to try and salvage her dish.

Big Burke’s been listening to the drama, and he feels bad for CeeGee, sorta, but he’s not going to be able to help her because he has so much work of his own to do, which, okay, I totally get it, because he decided to make 125 egg-shell pot pies, but he sounds like a major dickface when he snots “I have a charity that I want to make money for and the charity is not named Carmen.”…

…says the shitdick who owns seven fucking restaurants, writes books and has his own line of fake-diet sprays…

You’re starting to lose some of your charm there, fat boy. Don’t give me that bullshit about being focused on the charity, because I’m fairly certain he could easily donate $10,000.00 to Table To Table without batting an eye. Why must it be done solely with Sprint’s money? It doesn’t, and it doesn’t have fuckall to do with the charity, it has everything to do with enormous egos. Some of these people just can’t stand to lose, so there’s no way they could ever possibly consider blowing 5 precious minutes helping out a fellow chef by peeling a few yuccas.

Guess who else immediately dismisses the idea of doing anything to aid CeeGee (who is just now beginning the 16 mile trek back to the TCM Kitchen)? You got it, it’s La Marquessa! “I didn’t have a second to focus on that! My dishes are extremely thought out, so I gotta execute on that because I want to win, and that’s the most important thing!”…

…”I mean, the mac and cheese alone is going to take up at least 90 minutes!…

What. A. Dick. Head. Sorry, but fried chicken and collard greens is not the same thing as making mole or a soufflé. This guy is a prick, and now I’m hoping he gets trounced by CeeGee (or better still, Miss TexBian!)

Big Burke seems to have had a change of heart, because he gets to a semi-finished point and goes over to help TexBian as she’s peeling the yuccas to make CeeGee’s mash. Skierry Rotorooter sees them and comes over to jump in and chop some shit up as well, which allows TexBian the chance to move on and help with shucking CeeGee’s oysters. She’s still constantly checking up on her grits to make sure they don’t get fucked up. La Marquessa observes that “Maybe she should just focus a tad more on her own dish.”

In the end, though, their help turns out to be for nothing, because with nobody really watching the pot of yuccas closely enough, they wind up burnt on the bottom! Bye bye mash! Meanwhile, poor CeeGee’s got her precious stew (that sat out at room temperature all night long) and is heading back to the hotel with only an hour left before service. “¡Ay dios mio! Why is there so much traffic in this town??!?”…

…ummm, ‘cuz 13 million people live there?…

With only 30 minutes left she finally arrives back at the hotel and is praying that her yucca mash will be able to help save her dish, only to have Skierry give her the bad news that they burnt the shit out of it. By now she’s not even sure she has enough food to serve 125 people and they have to head upstairs to the rooftop to finish cooking. CeeGee sadly says if her dish can’t be saved she will just have to pull out of the competition.

Once they get settled in up on the rooftop she reevaluates her situation and decides to add more sausage to the stew to finish it off, and she whips up a cilantro salad to accompany it. She doesn’t believe she can win, but at least she has something to present. Also, she hasn’t said a word about the others fucking up her mash like that, which is odd. It’s almost like she’s a professional or something. Oh well, here come the guests!…

…who don’t look at all like random extras from Central Casting…

The Critics come strolling through, and there’s no Gramma Gael this week (prolly because she couldn’t navigate all those damned stairs) so we have Gail Simmons in her place! Then Mekhi shows up and Bravo makes sure we see his celebrity friends in the crowd…

…or at least, we would if they knew how to light black people at all…

Monica The TexBian winds up being the first to serve Mekhi her shrimp & grits just before the Critics show up…

…and she shows them all her dirty-ass towel…

And once the introductions of Gail, NerdMosexual and FugTaser are made, it’s time for her dish…

…Unpeeled shrimp? Boo. …

She tells them the reason she didn’t peel the shrimp is because she wanted the guests to get messy and dirty and “into it” with her dish. I’m sorry but for me shell-on shrimp just means I gotta worry about whether or not I’m gonna accidentally chow down on a vein and get a mouth full of shrimp shit. Blech. I am no scat queen.

I notice right away that Mekhi likes to chew with his mouth open…

…something his girlfriend is apparently noticing, too…

…and he’s also making really loud smacking sounds while he eats, which would drive me crazy and I’d have to dump my plate of food down his pants and then I’d get kicked out of the party, but at least it would shut him up. The only critique he has (inbetween noisy chewings and smackings) is that it’s “mmpf pretty good blrgh grwwmpl”.

NerdMosexual says TexBian’s version of shrimp & grits is “deconstructed” because normally the ingredients are all just piled on top of each other like some shrimpy gritty orgy (my words, not his). FugTaser says that her grits are an “acquired taste” that he hasn’t acquired yet (along with a sense of humor or an appreciation for aesthetics). Bok Choi just grimaces at his latest lame-ass joke and soldiers on eating.

Next up Mekhi visits La Marquessa’s booth and asks if he cooked “from the soul”, and he insists he did as he hands him his plate of food. Then he turns around and tells us that out of all the other Masters, he’s believes he’s the one who is “the most selfish focused”…

…and can obviously kiss Mekhi’s ass at the speed of light…

Then the Critics show up to sample a slice of Swedish Soul Food…

…Ät att mor jävlar!…

He’s added cranberries and capers into the mix as well, which, for me is a total blurgh. Mekhi says “Mmm *smack* wow *snarf* I might *smurp* need another *snurgle* plate of this!” *buuuuurp* Dear Mekhi Phifer, please learn how to chew food with your fucking mouth closed or I might be forced to remind people that you did a movie with Jon Lovitz. Love, J-Mo

Monica The TexBian’s looking over at La Marquessa’s station and seeing that people are coming back for more of his food, and feels like he just might be winning this competition. However, she hasn’t forgotten his selfishness earlier when it came to CeeGee’s tragedies and how he refused to help out a fellow Master because the almighty competition was so fucking important to him. “That’s not anything that I could ever do.”, she says, and I believe her.

Getting back to the food, FugTaser and Bok Choi both notice right away that La Marquessa’s dish is very spicy. NerdMosexual says the sauce on his chicken is a “little too aggressively sweet”, and FugTaser pipes up that it feels like a piece of cooked chicken that was just introduced to a sauce, but the two components don’t seem integrated. However, NerdMo’ loves La Marquessa’s mac’n'cheese and calls it “a dietbuster”. Well DUH NerdMo’, as if there’s any other kind of mac’n'cheese?

When Mekhi visits CeeGee’s station and is handed a bowl of her stew it becomes clear to me that he needs tons more work on his acting skills…

…this is not a convincing “I’ve been handed a bowl of culinary sex” face…

Skierry Rotorooter’s looking over at CeeGee handing out her simple little bowls of stew and comments on what an awful time of it she’s had, between stabbing herself with her knives, to forgetting to pack her stew, to them having burnt her yuccas, it has just been a terrible couple of days for her. I was waiting for him to blame her for it all by saying it happened because she wasn’t focused enough, but Skierry’s not a dick, he’s just a little Fug-Eyed.

Truthfully, the stew isn’t so appetizing in appearance…

…I’ve had toilet bowls staring me in the face that looked exactly like this (minus the cilantro garnish, natch)…

FugTaser zeroes in on the fact that CeeGee’s sign mentions a mash and wants to know if that just didn’t happen. This would normally have been the perfect opportunity for some really awesome blame-placement, but CeeGee simply says she had to make a judgment call about whether or not to serve that part of it, and in the end she decided not to. So there.

I’m not even going to bother with the bullshit coming out of Mehki’s mouth at this point, because he really has nothing to say and I have to fast-forward past all the chewing and smacking and chomping because it’s making me feel stabby. Happy Birthday C-Lister!

Back over at the Critics’ table, NerdMosexual’s saying how it’s more of a gumbo than a stew. I don’t know the difference between the two, so, OK. Gail Simmons says the stew was just fine by itself and didn’t even need the yucky mash! Then NerdMo whines that he’s missing having a starch in the dish…

…which completely annoys Gail…

FugTaser says the dish has real power and he feels like it’s “dancing on his tongue”. He’s totally mistaken, the food isn’t “dancing”, it’s attempting to escape. They cut to a pair of Twin Bears growling about how this is “their kind of food”, and I just have one thing to say to them…

…it’s called an “iron”, guys, and it’s magical for when you know you’re going to be on TV…

Sorry, just because you sweat a lot doesn’t mean your clothes are going to automatically smooth out. And speaking of bears, let’s see how Big Burke’s dish turned out tonight…

…great, it looks like my sink before I shove everything down the drain and turn on the DisposAll…

Big Burke admits he’s forgotten how much work it is to put out so many portions of food and that his dish wasn’t just sitting there ready to hand off to people. I think right about now he’s wishing he’d thought of making stew.

Back at the Critics’ Corner, Gail says it’s clear that Big Burke is attempting to be playful and that “It’s certainly re-imagined…” but in the end she seems to like the watermelon rind more than anything else. NerdMosexual says the flavor of the hush puppy is spot-on…

…and then it’s pretty much frowns and crickets after that…

Last to be tasted tonight is our Skierry Rotorooter’s pork shoulder, but before he hands off the plates he makes sure to grab Gail’s hand and kiss it, which makes her giggle and look slightly grossed out. Bok Choi looks jealous that Skierry didn’t try to kiss her hand, but I’m guessing he just couldn’t see it, what with there being next-to-no-flesh on her fingers…

…I know something they can all kiss if they don’t fucking move it along here…

Bok Choi says it’s “tasty” (thanks for finding an ultra-descriptive word there, Bokky!) and NerdMo’ says it’s “pork-licious” (see how easy that was, Bokky?) although he thinks the cauliflower’s been cooked within an inch of it’s life. Gail’s really enjoying the brussels sprouts slaw and the FugTaser agrees that it’s wonderful.

Now that dinner is over with, it’s time for Mekhi’s birthday cake, which he’ll have all to himself because everybody at that party is nauseous from listening to him chomping and slurping away for the last two hours. Oh, and look! His cake is in the shape of a STAH! Because he’s a STAH!…

…who’s about to celebrate the rest of his b’day in the Burn Unit…

Time to pass out the STAH-cards for the guests to fill out! Poor CeeGee is haunted by the fact that she didn’t execute her dish fully and has serious doubts about her chances of NOT being in the bottom. Meanwhile, TexBian says a lot of people told her that her food was the best there, and she’s starting to feel a little cocky. La Marquessa’s also feeling cocky (which is far more natural for him) and claims that people were coming back to his station “four, five, six times!” Oh please, if you serve a two-ounce chunk of sliced chicken and three macaroni shells as a “serving” then people are probably going to have to come back multiple times in order to even remember what it tasted like!

Let’s head to the Critics’ Table! Starting with Big Burke, he says it was hard for him to put out the dish the way he wanted to, he feels like maybe he had too much going on and should have left out the hush puppy or the pickled watermelon rind. Gail says she’s glad he didn’t cuz that was the high point of the dish for her, and he says he’s never made that before…

…yes, congrats on the fact that the zenith of your dish was the part of the watermelon we normally throw away…

However, as far as his little egg-shells full of custard and crabmeat, NerdMosexual thinks the proportions were off, and Big Burke actually agrees that it was hard for him to get the ratio right.

Moving on to TexBian, she says she tried to keep everything simple, and repeats her defense of leaving the shrimp with shells on, saying that getting dirty with the meal is what soul food is all about. Gail says hers was “the most soulful dish” they were given, and she loved the grits, and NerdMosexual says the sauce was extremely well done. TexBian’s juuuust about to float away from Earth on a pretty pink cloud when FugTaser has to ruin it by telling her that all of their shrimp was undercooked!

…Waow waow waow waaaaah!…

Next in line is La Marquessa, Gail thought his chicken had a robust and delicious flavor, and NerdMo’ repeats his love for the “deconstructed mac’n'cheese”, but says that the collard greens were the most “complicated” he’s ever come across. Naturally La Marquessa claims that was his intention all along, he didn’t want to compete with Grandma’s collard greens, he wanted them to be lighter and brighter and to present “a new way of thinking about collards…”

…and guess who seems to prefer Grandma’s methods more…

As for Skierry Rotorooter, Gail says his use of farro in a soul-food dish really “excited” her, and NerdMosexual just can’t shut up about the brussels sprouts slaw and the raw corn and onion salad. FugTaser, on the other hand, says while there were lots of really good things on the plate, there were so many ideas that they started to lose effectiveness. Skierry just laughs and says “Eez bessicallee zee Fraynch guy tryeeng to poot sayven coursez eentoo one plate!”…

…honest at least he is, hmmmmmm?…

Last up, Bok Choi axes CeeGee if she “found today difficult”? Understatement much? She tells them the story of Carmen And The Little Lost Tray’O'Food and she even mentions that the others helped her out by peeling her yucca! “We burned zem, too!” offers Skierry helpfully. See, CeeGee wasn’t even going to mention that part, she was just so grateful for (most of) her fellow Masters coming to her aid during a really bad day, it didn’t matter to her about the burnt part. Or, at least, now that she’s good and liquored up it doesn’t really matter.

Gail says it’s a shame that she didn’t have that mash to add to the dish for texture, they would have really liked that as an added element to the stew. Also, FugTaser gives her a little shit for having used pre-made sausage from Whole Paycheck instead of making her own, but CeeGee stands firm that she’s amazed she even had anything to serve at all…

…”So can we just drop it and you can tell me I lost already?”…

After the Critic’s Rehash (and the Masters have some more booze) it’s time to find out the scores! Starting off with CeeGee, she gets 3½ stars from NerdMosexual and 4 stars from Gail, FugTaser and the diners, which puts her at 15½ stars, and gives her the high score of the evening!!!…

…”¿Qué?”…

Biggest comeback ever on TCM! She’s completely thrilled and is super-grateful for all the moral support of (most of) her fellow Masters (even if they couldn’t check a goddamned pot once in a while to make sure it didn’t catch fire). Let’s see how the viewers felt about it…

…obviously La Marquessa was voting like mad on this one…

Let’s see who’s going to join CeeGee in the Champion’s Round! Skierry Rotorooter gets 3 stars from Gail and FugTaser, and only 2 from NerdMosexual (ouch!) plus a whopping 3 stars from the diners, giving him 11 total. Big Burke doesn’t fare much better, getting only 2½ stars from Gail and FugTaser, and 2 again from NerdMo’, plus 3 from the diners, making his total 10, so he’s dunzo. Shoulda busted out the Flav-R-Sprays, Fat Boy!

Moving on to Monica TexBian, she gets a lively 3½ stars from Gail, plus 3 each from NerdMosexual and FugTaser, plus 3½ from the diners, so her final score is 13, and Skierry’s out! That leaves us with La Marquessa… who gets 3 stars from NerdMo’, plus 3½ each from Gail and FugTaser. He’s got 10, and needs 3½ to beat TexBian, and the diners gave him…

…yet another reason to be an insufferable asstwat…

Yup, they awarded him 4½ stars, so he got his wish, beat TexBian up, and landed the other spot in the Champion’s Round next to CeeGee…

…now there are only four You-Bears left to fill!…

TexBian is breaking down, and I’m wondering why she’s so cry-ey about this, until she reveals the true depths of La Marquessa’s devotion to the Church Of Assholia…

…yes, that you’re a Class-A Number One DoucheBag, Marquessa!…

No, TexBian actually says the all-important “lesson” La Marquessa was referring to (as if he was some kind of budget Sean Connery from The Untouchables) was “I’m supposed to just take care of myself.” but she has no regrets about how she acted or what she did. And as for Marquessa, I think I’ll let CeeGee say it for me…

And he’s not finished being dickish, either, because he claims that “Leaving Top Chef Masters at this stage never entered my mind.” Because he’s just that awesome. Boy, do I want someone to hand this guy his ass in a sling. You know it’s a good thing that people sometimes do decide to help others out even when it doesn’t directly benefit themselves…. like, say, his adoptive parents did for him.

And there we go! What did you think of this episode? Was it wrong of TexBian to try and help CeeGee, even if it cost her getting into the Champions Round? Do you think La Marquessa was feeling threatened by a non-classically-trained chef like her? Anybody out there ever tried Big Burke’s Flav-R-Sprays? Thanks for dropping by as always, and your commentary is priceless as ever!

love, J-Mo