Top Chef Masters: Frenchy And The Pub Grub Club

Good evening and welcome back everybody. It’s 2:15 in the morning and I’m a little hammered, but I have good reason to be. I’ve just come from an interminably long drag show in which I was asked to videotape one of the worst queens in the entire city of Phoenix (and possibly the State of Arizona) doing a boring Reba McEntire set, a snoozy Celine Dion set, and topping off the crap sundae was a turdcherry made of Taylor Dayne’s Greatest Shits. Taylor would not have been flattered. Anyhow, getting plastered seemed like the only way to cope with the fug parade, so I’ma let errybody know right now that I ain’t feelin’ real shy ’bout talkin’ some cheffyshit tonight…

…yes, LuLudo, it is, and I have a great time doing it, too!…

Tonight’s episode of Top Chef Masters features the return of a bunch of bitchass losers to our TV screens! Yes, the Really Pathetically Desperate Housewives Of Orange County are back and looking for Minute 16 on their famewhore clocks. I kinda like them. They make me feel better about being drunk. Also, in keeping with the nonwinning theme of this episode, we have six Masters returning from Season One, this time with scores to settle, skills to prove, and blah blah blah bragging rights bullshit bullshit blah i’m gonna have another shot. Cheers! Might as well jump!…

So last week left me with a bad taste in my mouth (no pun intended) because La Marquessa Samuelsson couldn’t just be a graceful winner and keep his yap shut without dispensing his little tidbit of wisdom in fractured fucking English that boils down to “Fuck Everybody Else, Go For Yours”. Don’t we get enough “Winning Is Everything” bullshit thrown at us from a zillion other sources? Are we really surprised that kids wind up on Lexapro at age 18 when they inevitably learn the Real-Life Lessonâ„¢ that you just can’t win all the time?

That’s part of the reason why I was instantly charmed by this episode, because it features six five really great chefs who just happened to get beat out by somebody a smidge better than they were last time. Such as Rick Moonen here…

…who now reminds me a little bit of my grandpa, if he’d been able to cook and hadn’t been an asshole…

Reverend Moon lost to Smirky McSmugMug Michael Chiarello in Season One Episode Five and is still Executive Chef and owner of Rick Moonen’s RM Seafood In Mandalay Bay in Las Vegas (and the BF and I will be in Vegas in about a month, so I may try and see if I can’t convince him we should dine there… Twunty McSlore earns herself the fine joorey with her bee-jays… well, I use mine to earn fine dining… which explains why I get treated out to Jack In The Box a lot… maybe because I keep forgetting that it’s supposed to be “lips together, teeth apart” and not the other way ’round). Anyhow, Moonie says he’s back to prove himself and cook his brains out. I think he’d be doing great just to get some food on the plate this time…

…instead of serving invisible corn-dogs like last time…

Yeah, that was embarrassing, but Rick’s not a dick, just very intense. And on the other end of that meter is the GeekMaster of Molecular Gastronomy, Wylie Dufresne…

…whom I see still doesn’t have even one gay friend…

Well, it’s either that or all his gay friends are mad at him and that’s why they let him go out of the house looking like that. Prolly because of his penchant for naming his restaurants after lubricants, such as WD-50. They’re all waiting for him to go whole-hog and open up Vaselina’s and Kay-Why Jelly Donuts and Astro-Sliders. In any case, he’s excited to be back because he kinda boned it during Season One Episode Two when he forgot to give FugTaser any of the chicken that was the main part of his dish…

…maybe because he incinerated it?…

Next up is my favorite Master, Sweet Teddy Graham Elliot Bowles, still owner of Graham Elliot in Chicago, and who has been recently earning himself the title of “The Dennis Rodman of the Culinary World” because he likes to do odd things…

…such as dressing in ways that I find incredibly sexy…

Woof. Nice legs, Big G! Next time remember to cut the pockets short, too, K? Aside from his part-time gig as a Chippendale bartender, he’s also good buddies with Wylie The Doof and they have a long-running rivalry. He says that in addition to wanting to win Top Chef Masters, he’d really like to totally humiliate The Doof…

…and he’s going to start by using his X-ray specs to visualize Wylie in his underwear?…

Whoever told Teddy that white frames have a slimming effect on the face lied. Oh well, I still love me a man with a size-22 neck and the balls to wear cut-off Daisy Dukes. Both he and Wylie lost out to SnoozAnn Tracht in Season One Episode Two which was insane because she never fully opened her eyes the entire time. However, he beat The Doof by a half-star and has apparently been lording it over him ever since…

…and judging from the little smile, I’m guessing monthly blowjobs were a part of the “bragging rights” package?…

Let’s welcome back Master and silver daddybear Jonathan Waxman, owner of Barbuto in NYC. Waxie lost out to Big Gay Art (now Skinny Gay Art, boo!) in Season One Episode Six by two full stars, partially because he couldn’t figure out how to work the lid of a pressure cooker, and partially because Big Gay Art obviously gave much-needed blowjobs to FugTaser and NerdMosexual. Jon-Jon says the biggest thing he learned from the experience was to keep his “head clear”…

…here we see him practicing that “lips together, teeth apart” technique I was talking about earlier…

Waxie maintains that his biggest competition is himself. Well, he said that last time and it turned out his biggest competition was actually Big Gay Art, but maybe he’s actually right this time. Hopefully they don’t need to use anything complicated, such as a pressure-cooker. Or a blender.

Next in line is my favorite jug-eared chef, Mark Peel, who is the owner of Campanile and now The Tar Pit in Los Angeles. He’s also a 2010 semi-finalist for the James Beard Outstanding Ears Chef Award. Go Marky Doody! He says ever since he was on the show in Season One Episode Four he’s been thinking about how he got “blindsided by the clock” and wound up serving a plate that looked like a two-year-old had already had a go at it…

…and then spit the food out to boot…

Marky Doody lost in that episode to NoNita Mann, partially because she served her food in dildo form to a judging panel of mostly sex-starved ladies, and partially because her dish didn’t look half-eaten already. That loss still chaps Marky’s ears ass a little, “No one likes to lose!” he says. That’s true, but I always feel like a winner with him, because he gave me one of my best .gifs EVAH from last season…

…no, really, Marky, it’s true!…

Bringing up the ass-end of tonight’s Gang Of Six is the ever-subtitled talents of Ludovic Lefebvre, owner of this pseudo-restaurant…

…which could not be more aptly named…

I call it a pseudo-restaurant because it’s actually touted as a “guerilla style pop-up restaurant event” since it has no fixed address and basically just piggybacks itself off of other restaurants. Doesn’t that sound like fun? This week you might find Ludo Bites It at Benihana, and next week… Denny’s. Some L.A. critics have called this concept “mad genius” and “innovative”…

…while I call it “a cheapass way to avoid paying rent”…

Ludocrous is still L’incredulous that people were calling him Monsieur Le Pew after his appearance in Season One Episode Three and we are treated to a flashback of him having Le Meltdown when the servers took his red-inspired QuickFire dish out to the judging panel but neglected to take his urns of beet juice as well. Because it’s fun to serve people something that looks like a big bowl of used tampons…

…exactement…

LuLu garbles that he respects everybody in the competition and thinks that they’re all great chefs, but “I’m here for zee ween! Nuzzeeng goeeng to ztop mee!” We’ll just see about that. Hey, here comes Bok Choi to welcome them all back to the TCM Kitchen and tell them about their QuickFire Challenge today, which involves “a twist”. I was hoping she meant the dance, because I think it would be priceless (and sexy) to see Teddy Graham putting his backend in motion, but instead she takes them into the next room where they find…

…paradise…

I think Waxie just jizzed a little, too. Bokky says the perfect dining experience is about “pairing great food with a perfect beverage”. She is so wrong! The perfect dining experience is when you know you’re stocking up on calories because you’ll need the energy for an all-out-amazing fuck later on. I find chinese food is best for this, because it is incredibly erotic to eat chicken lo mein in bed with a hot guy. Preferably off his chest. And preferably in a hotel room that someone else has to clean.

In any case, she means booze, because this is the Let’s-Pretend-Drunks-Give-A-Shit-About-What-You-Serve-Them-With-Their-Highball-Challenge from Top Chef Season Three Episode Four, in which Casey (the bitch who I will never forgive because she fucked over Carla Beaker Hall at the end of Season Five) won with a french toast baguette and a pecan-crusted clump of foie gras paired up with a Gin Rickey…

…allllll the Crest White Stripsâ„¢ in the world can’t clean your soiled reputation, ho-bag…

You know, there’s a reason why they mostly serve pretzels and peanuts at the bar. It’s because those things are far less offensive on the way back up than, say, duck liver mixed with pecans. In any case, the “inspirational spirit” for this time isn’t Bombay Sapphire Gin, it’s Stolichnaya Vodka! Мы будем иметь партию и после этого мы затошним! Then Bok Choi trots out a pretty little “award-winning mixologist” for the Masters to ogle…

…aaaaand let’s just keep it real here, shall we?…

And with that, they proceed to get completely bombed on a bunch of cocktails that Miss Noisey Voisey makes for them, such as mojitos, apertifs and various other drinks that require being tossed about in a shaker…

…no really, you can win awards for this…

Reverend Moonie slurs that he hopes they get a nap before they have to jump on into this QuickFire challenge. Don’t worry, Rev, you’ll get your chance to zone out whenever Slurry or Tamra open their mouths.

Now that they’re good and schnockered, Bok Choi gives Teddy Graham the first choice of which of their little mind-erasers he wants to pair food with. His response is immediate: “Seeing as I’m the biggest jackass here, I’m going with the ‘Coriander Mule’!” Wow, it sounds trés appetizing to have drink named after livestock, doesn’t it? Reverend Moonie chooses a sweet one called “Forest Fruits” (Teddy Graham said earlier that it tasted like “birthday cake pureé”, which, blurk) while Waxie selects the “Lemongrass Mojito”. Ludocrous goes for a “Nutmeg Applik Mojito”, The Doof picks out a “Russian Tea Room” and Marky Doody winds up with a “Finger Giggle”. Er, I mean “Ginger Figgle”.

I’d tell you what was in each of these cocktails but I suspect you’re like me in that you don’t really care what’s in it as long as it will make you feel sexy tonight and might lead to you waking up in a strangers bedroom minus your Fruit-Of-The-Looms. Of course if you’re not careful you could also wind up plus some little microscopic pets…

…so please fuck drink responsibly, people!…

Bok Choi says that their judges for today’s QuickFire “know a little something about sipping cocktails.” and reveals that it’s the Dumb Boozehounds Of Orange County. Wellnow, if “sipping” = “guzzling” then she’s right on the money here. Oh, and Gramma Gael Greene will be there to lend some actual culinary credibility to the proceedings, since we know the Boozehounds never actually eat anything. Except cock.

Upon hearing that Gramma Greene’s gonna be there, Wylie looks like he just Double Doofed himself. “Can I choose again?” he asks plaintively, clearly unsure of what Gramma Gael’s take is on cocktails. Oh come on, Doof! Grow a pair of Xanthan gumballs! Gramma’s the original party girl! “I do imagine that the Housewives Of Orange County are okay with cocktails.” he smirks. Yes they are, Wylie, and you should see what they do when you hold up a Black American Express Card.

Anyhow, they have 45 minutes to cook and right away Reverend Moon keeps drinking more of his “Forest Fruits” and says it’s making him think of strawberry shortcake (but no huckleberry pie) “And I know that it’s a bad idea… I’m no pastry chef!”…

…and then he begins practicing the “shocked” face he’ll make when he loses the QuickFire…

Meanwhile Marky Doody’s making a cussel mustard… I mean a mussel custard (ew) mixed with figs to pair with his “Ginger Figgle”. He’s also peeling some fresh ginger to go with it, and telling us he really thinks he can win with this dish. Right before he blinds himself with flying ginger juice. Great, this means more messy-ass plating from him!

Teddy Graham says his “Coriander Mule” is giving him definite Asian flavors, so he’s running right for the arctic char and some lentils, which sounds completely not Asian. This gives The Doof a chance to tell us he’s going to kick Teddy Graham’s extra-ample ass this time. The slightly desperate crack in his voice when he says this tells me that he’s tired of kissing it.

Hey, Ludocrous is swearing and running around like Le Madman! Jonny Waxie’s watching him (and the others) scrambling to finish and says they’ve all made this challenge waaaaay too hard on themselves, “The Housewives Of Orange County do not wanna sit and eat a big plate of food… they want little tidbits.” And to get drunk. And ride receive pink motorcycles. And to blame Jeana Keough for all the drama in their lives. Waxie is a smartie…

…except where horizontal stripes are concerned…

And whaddaya know? Waxie’s finished with 20 minutes to spare! QuickFire record! This is very impressive to LuLudo, who says “I lairn alodd too koook neggs too heem!” Like how to stand around and sip Lemongrass Mojito after Lemongrass Mojito while everybody else sweats and snorts and swears.

Ludocrous is getting pissy all over again as time starts to run out, snapping at Reverend Moonie to “Zay ‘beehine yoo.’ pleeez!” when they come close to crashing into one another. Then he gets whiny, “Workeeng lige zees, een zees strayss eez nod fuckeeng funnee!”…

…well, to you, maybe…

Reverend Moonie tells us the one he really wants to beat is his “little French nemesis”, mostly because he’d really like for LuLudo to STFU, “He’s just bitchin’ and moanin’ and complainin’!”…

…and isn’t it a little weird for him to be whining about this when the whole concept behind his entire restaurant is that it’s never his kitchen?…

Apparently he couldn’t find a pair of tongs, either, because they show him plating sizzling porkchops directly from the pan with his fingers and yelling “Haaaaaaah!” as his flesh begins to smoke. What’s the French word for dumbass? Âne stupide? Or maybe he’d like this phrase a little better…

…Allez trouvent une fourchette, tête de merde!…

Time runs out and Moonie is thrilled that he’s not serving imaginary food this time, there really is something on those plates! Yay, Moonie! Over in the Judging Room, Bok Choi has clearly been coached in Orange County-ese, because her greeting to the Housewifeys consists of “Let’s get our drink on!” LOL Bokky! As the Masters seat themselves and get a good look at these “real” fake-ass housewives, Ludocrous coos “Oooh la laaa!”…

…obviously he’s never seen the show or he’d be saying “Le blech!”…

Let me guess: Crackie couldn’t come today because (say it with me now) she had to worrrrrk! And Gretchen prolly had to drive Slade to another court date so’s he can keep avoiding that pesky child-support they keep dunning him for. And the only reason why Pawn Preacher even let Mallard Mouth leave the house today is because he was assured it’d be an all-female panel and those dirty male chefs would only be allowed to view the Tits That Debtors Built via a flat-screen. Ironic, huh?

And actually Mallard Mouth Alexis is the first to start quacking away. Affecting a worldy and superior air, she asserts “Wine always goes really good with food. That’s why I’m excited to try the martinis with the pairings, it’s cool!” Bless her heart, I think she read that “wine goes with food” thing on the outside of the Franzia box and thought repeating it would make her sound smart. Still, I don’t blame her for being nervous, although I must say I’m sensing a bit of relief from her that for the next 20 minutes she knows she won’t have one of Jimbo’s sweaty hands clamped over one of her tits.

Bok Choi wants to know if they usually have cocktails and food at the same time, and Slurry slowly smiles through her haze and says “Well, when I’m with these girls anytime’s a good time!” A bemused Gramma Gael’s grinning from ear to ear and murmurs “Oh, you’re the great judges!”…

…”I fucked Elvis. Beat that, bitches!”…

Well, let’s see how well they judge, starting with The Doof’s pairing (and BTW, I don’t know why, but the photos from BravoTV.com are fucking tiny and greenish this week, and all the food looks irradiated and disgusting, so I’m going to only use screenshots, K?)…

…this way you get to see how he actually charred the char…

The Former Miz Blarney’s opinion? “Ohmigod, to die for!”. Slurry thinks “the pairing is amazing!” (she’s sucked down the entire cocktail and hasn’t touched the food yet) and Mallard Mouth wak-wak-waks that she just loves it! The Doof looks cautiously optimistic. Then Gramma speaks: “I dunno, there’s something about eating kind of a sweet malt cider-like drink with… fish!” Tamra immediately proves her uselessness as a judge here by instantly doing a 180 and agreeing with Gramma, suddenly she went from “to die for” to “that’s icky”. The Masters are all roaring with laughter as Wylie’s sputtering, “Wait a minute, you can’t change your mind!??!?” HA!

Next up is Jonnie Waxie’s bowl’o'tidbits…

…and still, that’s a huge pile of food for these gals!…

Gramma Gael is loving it, and thinks the pork is soooo perfectly cooked! Then Mallard Mouth steps in it again when she haughtily asserts, “Pork isn’t really something I eat much of… not my favorite!”…

…”Except when it gives me tacky dipped joorey that it insists is worth SEVEN CARATS, then I’ll eat it and lick it and suck it and swallow and then let that big ole balding pig climb on top and titty-fuck me twice on Sundays!”…

This bitch. I can’t even believe that she’s eating or drinking anything here in the first place. Wasn’t she the one who took such immense pride in the fact that she’s soooo high maintenance that the bartender doesn’t even recognize the drink once she’s finished giving him instructions on exactly how she wants it made? Anyhow, Waxie’s response to this is a quiet “Oy vey.” I think that’s a Yiddish phrase for “silicone poisoning”, isn’t it? Oh well, let’s see what Marky Doody did…

…he got smart and used a bowl to contain the mess!…

Once again, Gramma Greene is loving the mussel taste and the texture of the custard, but Blarney Girl’s making her “I-smell-catshit”-face again. Bok Choi asks her if she likes ginger, and Tamra’s all “No.” Bokky slyly asks her “Was there ginger in the cocktail that you think kind of brought that out?” TamTam is surprise! “Was there ginger in the cocktail?” she asks, clearly baffled. No, Tamra, they call it a “Ginger Figgle” because it was invented on Gilligan’s Island…

…and “Skipper’s Figgle” just sounded too dirty…

You can tell Bok Choi’s trying not to bust out laughing at Her Dumbassness when she answers in the affirmative that yes, a Ginger Figgle does indeed contain ginger. Blarney Girl’s backpedaling, “OH, see, I don’t taste it there (indicates drink)… but I was chewing it there (indicates dish)…” All Marky Doody can do is groan “If you don’t like ginger, you’re not gonna like that dish.” and facepalm himself…

…and think how sometimes it really sucks to be on the same network as these bitches…

Suddenly it’s time for Reverend Moonie’s dessert course!…

…though I strongly doubt the Housewives know what “dessert” is…

Slurry McSlackyjaw thinks it’s fabulous and then makes a lame joke about “This is frozen yogurt, right? This is on my Weight Watchers?” Hahaha, shut up Slurry. How about “it’s on your new budget because it’s free.” TamTam thinks between the drink and the food, it’s like “having two desserts!” Mallard Mouth says it’s sooo delicious. Gramma Gael looks as though she’d like to smack somebody.

Poor Teddy Graham, the timing couldn’t be worse that they’re going from dessert to a raw fish dish…

…plus these ladies aren’t used to having anything black in the neighborhood…

Slurry can’t even pronounce the ingredients! “Enten… mah-may? Etta James? Entenmann’s mommy?” Then she complains that the red onion is “really strong” and Tamra pipes up “You have to have a really strong stomach!”…

…funny how Teddy Graham’s the one who looks nauseous…

Lady Blarney’s right, though, cuz I find I need extra TUMS to make it through an episode of RHOOC. Let’s see what Ludocrous (and his fried fingertips) put forth for their tiny wittle tummies…

…Ruh-roh, more of Mallard-Mouth’s least favorite meat!…

Fucking Tamra makes sure to kick Marky Doody in the other nut when she says that the ginger in this dish isn’t “overpowering” so it’s really good. I wish she’d wind up with a pubic hair in her pork. Gramma Gael does for me just as well, though, because she says between the almonds and the ginger it’s a little too much. I was waiting for Miz Blarney to flip-flop and say what she really meant was that it sucked, but instead I’m hearing Mallard Mouth complaining that the drink is kind of sweeeeeet and that she’d never pair it with pork (which, remember, she rarely eats except of course for Jimbo’s Sanctified Hoglegâ„¢ so I call bullshit that she even knows what “pair” means outside of giant tits and droopy sweaty testicles slapping her in them).

Naturally, LuLudo takes the criticism well…

…maybe they also saw your fucking fingerprints on their pork chops?…

Ludocrous says he’s “scared” to be judged by these people who have no clue what the fuck they’re talking about. We cut to Slurry babbling some more and the others giggling and I actually don’t blame him (or any of them) for being pissed off. This is the kind of crossover that’s just plain wrong. Put Kathy Griffin from My Life On The D-List or Patti Stanker from Millionaire Matchmaker or even the Housewives from NYC on as guest judges, at least you know they’ve eaten at some fine restaurants from time to time and might be able to know a thing or two about real booze pairing… but these ditzy bitches? Please…

…yes, but it’s funny, too…

Meeting with the Masters back in the TCM Kitchen, Bok Choi says five of them received four stars! Stranger still, one of them received a perfect score of a full five stars… and it was Waxie! He gets $5,000.00 from Lexus for Citymeals On Wheels (which I discovered just happens to be a charity that was co-founded by one Gramma Gael Greene!) Anyhow, Waxie’s a super-cool and gracious winner and says he’s so elated that he’d be happy to just walk on out of there right now and call it a day. Looks like his laid-back instincts were right on the money.

Ah, but we still have an Elimination Challenge to do! Bok Choi says this time they have to take a traditional pub dish and “make it upscale” enough that they could feel proud to serve it in their own restaurants (at incredibly elevated prices, natch!) Then Bokky wheels out a cart containing six typical examples of pub grub: Bangers & Mash, Fish & Chips, Shepherd’s Pie, Steak & Kidney Pie, Toad In A Hole and Irish Stew. Since Waxie won the QuickFIre he gets first choice, and he goes right for the Shepherd’s Pie. The rest of them have to decide amongst themselves which of the five remaining dishes they’ll be upscaling.

Reverend Moonie immediately calls the Fish & Chips. Ludocrous does, too! Moonie’s not backing down, and LuLudo’s (shockingly!) getting pissed off about it…

…or is he actually turned on?…

LOL, French people are funny! Anyhow, according to LuLudo, the Reverend “inseest lige a leetel shild” that he be given the Long John Silver’s staple, so Lu lets him have it. Meanwhile, Marky Doody tries to help out by suggesting Lu take Irish Stew, “But I nod Ireezsh!” whines LuLu (also like a little child). Marky takes the Toad In A-Hole, The Doof grabs Bangers & Mash, and Teddy Graham selects the Steak & Kidney Pie, so Ludocrous winds up with Irish Stew after all. He continues to whine until Teddy Graham finally loses his temper and sits on him.

Choi-Choi says they’ll meet at Tom Bergin’s Tavern on the following day to serve their dishes and now it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market with $250.00 and 45 minutes to get enough potatoes to stave off another Famine. The best thing that happens here is that The Doof wanders by Ludocrous peering at a bag of veggies and says “It’s in English, do you want me to read the bag for you? These are carrots.”…

…and LuLudo’s response is once again oddly anal in flavor…

Back at the TCM Kitchen they’ve got 2 hours to prep, and Teddy Graham says he’s going to need most of that time to get the “nasty flavor” out of the kidneys he’s bought, “You know, by filtering urine they’re not the most delicious ingredient.” True, but it could have been worse. I bet cow anus isn’t much fun to clean, either. In any case, he’s planning on masking as much of the peepee flava as possible so people don’t wind up feeling like they’ve just joined some kind of dirty watersports club after they’ve eaten it. Hundred bucks says Gramma Gael gets turned on by it, though.

Meanwhile, Waxie’s insisting that there’s nothing better on a cold winter night than Shepherd’s Pie (basically a lamb stew with a mashed potato topping). He’s obviously never had one of my blowjobs. Nevertheless, he’s planning on sticking with the K.I.S.S. strategy he employed in the QuickFire (Keep It Simple, Shithead) because “razzle-dazzle” just isn’t his way. Waxie is so sweet, he doesn’t bother to talk shit, he just does his thing and moves on. And that’s boring me to tears, let’s see what Reverend Moonie is up to!…

…why, he’s about six seconds away from being covered in tartar sauce…

Because fish is his dish, the Reverend feels like he’s got this sucker cock-knocked and is enjoying the fact that Ludocrous seems completely ill at ease next to him while working on his Irish Stew. LuLudo just doesn’t like the fact that Irish Stew’s nothing more than beef or lamb and a bunch of root vegetables tossed together and “evreseeng eez koook for reeeleee long time an zat’s eet!” He says there’s no “love” in that, and he wants to have “love” in his dish. Oh Ludocrous, “love” doesn’t always taste so good. Trust me, I know.

The next day they Lexus their way on over to Tom Bergin’s, and the place looks just like every other old school L.A. fixture left over from the sixties…

…tacky…

The Doof, on the other hand, is immediately charmed by it’s character… “It looks like a place with some soul.” says the Whitest Man In The Room. Also quaint is the teeny little kitchen that these six chefs (some of them quite burly) now have to start working in. With only an hour to cook, everybody’s nerves are already shot, and it doesn’t help that LuLudo is literally shouting at Reverend Moonie to decide where he wants to do his plating right now now now now now!…

…then he gets all professional and nanny-nanny-boo-boos behind Moonie’s back…

He just won’t shut up about how Reverend Moonie’s been cooking fish his whole life and that he never gets to do French Food on Top Chef Masters (never, not once, in all two times he’s been on it) and just how unfair it all is (“Whay Reeck ged feesh an cheepz?”) and I’m waiting for someone to stab him with assorted potato peelers and cake spatulas…

…Human Knife Blockâ„¢…

Meanwhile, on the sane side of the kitchen (about four feet away) Marky Doody’s getting ready to make the Yorkshire puddings necessary for his retake on Toad In A-Hole. He’s made his own sausage out of seafood (which sounds kinda extra tasty actually) and says the trick to making a good Yorkshire pudding is a “scorching hot” pan. He’s done this a zillion times before and thinks it’s going to really smoke the asses of the other Masters.

Which is why you could color me Not Shocked At All when he goes to check on them with only 10 minutes left and discovers the oven is dead cold. He immediately panics and turns it up to 5 skillion degrees, which is an experiment I think we’ve all tried at one time or another… “Heyyyy, if these cookies take 6 minutes to bake at 300 degrees I bet they’ll only take 2 minutes at 900, right?” Boom! Instant charcoal. Poor Marky Doody, his dish will be smoking for all the wrong reasons.

As time heads into the one-minute-left range, everybody’s trying to plate frantically (except for Waxie, who’s already finished and looks like he’s reading the paper and ready to take a nap) and Ludocrous starts badgering Teddy Graham about whether or not he can work on Graham’s cutting board and in his space. Teddy’s all “Yeah, yeah, yeah, gimme a second.” LuLudo keeps hounding him for a yez or no answer until Teddy finally loses his shit and roars “All right, NO!”…

…and how awesome is it that Teddy’s own ass is applauding him for standing up to Ludocrous?…

Teddy Graham says it looked for a moment like it was going to come to blows between them, but I suspect it would have been more along the lines of the ole “Two hits: me hitting you, you hitting the floor” variety of fight. I don’t know why they’re pissed off anyhow, there’s serious heartbreak taking place just a few feet away as Marky Doody takes his precious Yorkshire Puddings out of the oven, only to find…

…that he’s serving severed penises…

I like penises an awful lot, but they kinda need to be attached to a man to work properly or else they lose a lot of their charm. What’s even worse is that these condom-wrapped cockettes are encased in a bed made up of a solidified doughy mass… “And there’s nothing I can do.” laments Marky Doody. Except dump some other shit on top of it to hide the mess and serve it.

The Critics have made their way to Tom Bergin’s, and there’s no NerdMosexual today, because Gail Simmons is taking his place for this episode!…

…and she’s pissed at Gramma for making her sit next to that oogy old FugTaser…

Well ’tis time ter serve de grub! Ludocrous is up first, and is just cocky as fuck (natch!) saying his plate looks like a “piss of art”…

…with dried bloodstains on it…

Oh, but he’s convinced he’s going to win the challenge! After he finishes describing his dish to the Critics (who mostly just nod and smile because they can’t see all the subtitling his English requires and therefore haven’t the faintest fuckyloo of what he’s saying) he heads back to the kitchen where he lets out a yell and launches himself at Teddy Graham (like we saw in the previews) except it’s all play, they’re giggilng and maybe going to sneak off to the walk-in for a little McNugget play in a minute.

Meanwhile, Gramma Gael’s saying how she finds it “really bizarre that there are uncooked vegetables in this stew!” OtherGail says the Guinness and honey glaze is very tasty (I guess that was the dried blood splatter?) but FugTaser says there would be a riot in the pub if this dish were served for real. They cut to a local codger yelling “This is not Irish stew!”…

…”Where are my pills? Is it time for my nap? Did you say that food came from Luby’s?”…

…in other news: Ludo sucks…

Next in line is Reverend Moonie and his seafood expertise to twist up Fish & Chips for the Critics…

…those aren’t chips, they’re potato-pucks!…

Gail says Moonie sure knows how to fry a fish, and FugTaser says he’s thinking good things about the salad. How about shut up and eat it already, Fuggie? Bok Choi’s making that grimace when he talks that tells me he’s got Far-Reaching Death-Breathâ„¢. You know the kind some chronic weed-smokers get? Anyhow, on the downside, Gail says the tater-discs are huge and when they cooled they became really hard. Then we see Gramma Gael pull one out of her mouth with her teeth still clamped into it. Ew.

Time for The Doof’s revamped Bangers & Mash…

…the diet version…

Both Bok Choi and Gramma Greene sure like the spiciness of the Merguez sausage he used, and FugTaser thinks the jus was very nice as well. He’s also impressed that The Doof served up a plate that actually looked like a recognizable vision of bangers & mash, instead of the crazy shit that he usually comes up with…

…like this one that’s garnished with albino testicles and spit-foam…

Now it’s time for The Doof’s frenemy, Teddy Graham and his Steak & PeePeePie…

…minus the whole “Pie” part…

Teddy says he did everything that he set out to do, there’s no urine-flavored steam coming off of his dish, thankyouverymuch. Gramma Gael says Teddy’s meat is perfectly rare, just the way I love she loves it, “But I don’t know why we need to kill the taste of the kidneys. Kidneys are wonderful!” *gasp* I knew Gramma was into kinky watersports! FugTaser says the chanterelle cream was ssssssilky and sssssmooth, and something about the way he says it makes me wonder if he’s wearing a pair of silken pantyhose at this very moment, cuz he’s enjoying those s-words a little too much.

It appears that people are drinking heavily here, and that’s probably a good thing as Marky Doody brings out his Toad’s Dick Up The Asshole…

…shoulda just served beans’n'wieners and called it a day…

He knows the dish is a total disaster and his only hope at this point is that everything else tastes so good that they’ll forget about the doughy mess at the bottom of the bowls. Fat chance. After he explains the concept to the Critics in overly flowery language, FugTaser asks if Marky’s removed the batter part from the dish entirely, and Marky has to come clean that no, it’s there getting soggy under that mass of shit he piled on top of it.

It looks like everyone in the entire bar’s grimacing at this dish, and FugTaser proclaims it to not be a Yorkshire pudding at all because a real Yorkshire pudding will “rise up to be a crisp, burnished, marvelous thing… and this is kind of a bready, dense thing down at the bottom of the bowl.” Gail agrees and suspects that the doughy mushy texture is the result of it not being cooked through. However, they like the greens and the onion sauce. Which to me is kind of like saying your burger was completely rotten, but damn if you didn’t get a fine dill pickle spear! Poor Marky Doody’s gonna get sent back to drown in his Tar Pit.

Last up tonight is Waxie and his simple straightforward remix of Shepherd’s Pie…

…the 12″ version…

Waxie’s worried that he’s gonna flunk out of this one, “Critics these days seem to like people with a lot of flair and imagination… and I’m doing more of a classic interpretation.” After he gives a short and sweet description that the dish is nothing but lamb, mashed potatoes and some parmesan cheese, he leaves. They fucking love it. Gramma says the lamb could not have been more delicious, and FugTaser says it is the very essence of Shepherd’s Pie…

…so stop looking skerd, Waxie!…

Back at the TCM Kitchen, the Masters are sitting around drinking and Ludocrous still just can’t get over the whole who-called-dibs-on-fish-n-chips-first thing, he’s just egging the Reverend Moonie on, talking over him and eventually it devolves into a shouting match. Going around the table, Waxie looks mildly amused, The Doof looks uncomfortable, Teddy Graham looks disgusted…

…while Marky Doody wishes to be struck deaf…

At Critics’ Table, starting with LuLudo, he claims he “tweest zee deesh” and brought it “back to life”. Gramma Gael wants to know how lemongrass winds up in the finished product, and Ludocrous is all “Why nod?” Gail Simmons is clearly pissed when she tells him there’s no way that dish was Irish Stewy in the slightest. FAIL.

As for Marky Doody, Gramma Greene thought his Toad In A-Hole seafood sausage was very “well brought up” (I guess that means it didn’t jizz all over her clothes when she bit into it?) but that it was “in an unpleasant environment”. Yowchies. Bok Choi tries to trot out her mad love for the pickle spear greens again, but Marky knows he just boned the shit out of this challenge and is going home a two-time loser now with zero dollars.

On the other end of the suck spectrum (in Blow-Landâ„¢, I guess) Waxie says how much he loves Shepherd’s Pie, and FugTaser says a lot of the SPs that are served in pubs around Britain are “these dried-out dun-colored things“, but that Waxie’s version showed there’s still a great dish in the basic idea of slathing mashed potatoes on top of stuff. Gail Simmons says everything on the plate was flavorful and robust, and made her forget allll about the wizened troll dolls she was sitting between…

…”And you all have no idea how bad Jay’s feet stink!”…

Moving on to The Doof, he admits he chickened out on making his own sausage like Marky Doody did, but he chose the spicy Merguez sausage to keep close to the traditions of Bangers & Mash. FugTaser says he enjoyed it very much, his only complaint is that the sausage was a little dry. Wylie gets defensive and points out that’s why he included the jus in the bowl, to give it extra moisture.

Next up, Teddy Graham admits that he finds kidneys very overpowering and explains how he used about sixty-three ingredients to get them to not taste like PortaPottyPatties. “You hate kidneys, don’t you?” asks FugTaser with a laugh, and Teddy admits he’s not a fan of them. Gee, I wonder why he picked Steak & Kidney Pie then? It’s not like it was a mystery ingredient hiding out in the bottom of the bowl somewheres. Anyhow, Gail says they still got the kidney flavor and it was really good, plus his cream was silky smooth like FugTaser’s Secret SlenderAllsâ„¢.

And finally, Reverend Moonie’s explaining how he brought a lot of citrus into his Fish & Chips. FugTaser says it’s a “21st century fish’n'chips” which makes exactly zero sense to me, but I suspect Fuggie wants to get this show over with so he can go feel up his own L’Eggs and beat off. Gramma says the plate was beautiful, but Gail makes sure to mention the oversized potato cylinders and how “unruly” they were to try to eat. Ludocrous is smirking openly hearing this…

… Deeque. …

After the final bitching, it’s finally time for the results! Starting with Waxie, the diners, Gail and Fuggie give him 4½ stars each, while Gramma Gael goes whole hog with a perfect 5 star score! His 18½ out of 20 star score makes him the winner tonight! At least he’s a gracious winner (unlike La Marquessa was) and says he’s both thrilled and humbled by the win.

Not even coming close to those heights is Marky Doody, who gets 3 stars from Gramma Greene and FugTaser, only 2½ stars from Gail Simmons… and the diners gave him 1 star! Well fuck me in the ears ass, that’s only 9½ stars total. Ludocrous doesn’t fare much better, he gets 3 stars from Gail, Gael & FugGrail, and 2 stars from the diners, making his total 11, so it’s Buh-bye Marky. LuLudo’s smirking again.

Teddy Graham gets 2½ stars from FugTaser, 3 from Gail, and 3½ from Gramma, plus 4½ stars from the diners, giving him 13½ stars and sending Ludocrous’ flyblown ass back to his fake restaurant. Again. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now it’s The Doof’s turn, and both Gail and Fuggie give him 3½ stars, while Gramma Greene goes generous with 4. and when the diners give him 3½ stars as well it means he’s got 14½ stars and beat Teddy Graham and gets blowjobs every month until the next time they appear together on this show! This takes us right into tonight’s Viewer Poll…

…People are smart. Hang out with the ugly guy at the pub and you’ll get laid more…

But is The Doof’s pub popularity enough? Reverend Moonie’s given 4 stars from both of the Gaelic Sisters and FugTaser… and the diners, making his total 16 stars and sending The Doof back into the Losers category all over again! Moonie’s over the moon!…

…and onto the Champion’s Round…

The Doof is still pretty happy that he beat Teddy Graham and he’s looking forward to the next year full of bragging rights and sweet, sweet head. These two are eventually gonna be boyfriends, I can just feel it.

And there we have it! We’ve almost got our Champions Round filled out! What did you think of this episode? Could Ludocrous have whined any more? Do you feel like Reverend Moonie was bullying him? Did you miss having NerdMosexual in tonight’s episode? And who the fuck thought Slurry, Blarney and Mallard Mouth were fit to judge fine foods? Questionable, Miss Andy, very questionable.

So, one last teensy thing. Last weekend was Gay Pride here in Phoenix, so here’s a little video of our dance group The Fly Boyz performing with my drag queen friend Devina. I’m the one wearing the slimming white outfit, LOL…

love, J-Mo