Top Chef Masters: Doan Tayill Mee Houw Too Koook!

Bienvenue, my fellow cuisine connoisseurs! You know, so far this show has kinda surprised me with it’s almost total lack of outrageously hugantic ginormous egotistical assclowns, and I was beginning to think that I’d be reduced to making lame jokes about bad hair and croggily-wacked teefs on these pros… until tonight. Now, we can change “lame” into “lamé” (as in “gold”) because I’ve finally been presented with a worthy targét to lambasté in my usual gauçhé manner! Çan you guéss his nationality? Non? Wéll, I don’t want to furthér any çultural misçonçéptions…

…but isn’t it funny how it’s the tatted-up greasy-looking French guy acting like everyone else smells bad…

Kidding! Of course I know that the stereotype of French people arrogantly wafting about in a cloud of their own ripe bodyfunk and hating all things United Statesian is mostly (and unfairly) come by, and leads to us Americans making unfortunate decisions that the French could really give less of le deux shits about, such as whether or not to call a fast-food product they didn’t even invent something stupid like “freedom fries”. However, on tonight’s episode of Top Chef Masters we are introduced to a Master who doesn’t do a damned thing to dispel those stereotypes, and for zat I loff heem. Get ready to see some major buttwaddiness after the jump…Ahhh, ma cherie amours, we will return to this stinky little merdeball later, right now it’s time to meet tonight’s very first Master, a cutie-pie that you may all fondly recall from the Puerrrrto Rrrrico Finale of Top Chef Season 4, Wilo Benet…

…also known as Daddy Tom Verrrr 2.0 (The Latin Rrrremix)…

Wilo introduces himself to us in Spanish and lets us know that he’s the chef and proprietor of Pikayo, Payá and Varita restaurants in San Juan. Papi Tom 2.0 says he’s been a chef for 27 years and has a lot of love for what he does…

…as evidenced by the fact that he voluntarily agreed to stare at this for several hours…

Yeesh, I forgot just how fucking gruesome that was. *shudder* It’s amazing he can even eat food after that, much less enjoy it (or keep it down). At any rate, after a mini-flashback showing him dressing down Season 4 cheftestant Antonia for her slimy, uncooked, overripe plantains (which are not nearly as bad as burnt charred rubbery eeeeeeegggs!) PT 2.0 admits that there’s going to be a lot of pressure on him to do well. Being Puerrrrto Rrrrico’s sole “celebrity chef” means the reputation of an entire island territory is on the line, so he best traiga la comida!

The next Master enters the G.I. Monogamy Kitchen, and for a moment I went “Aaaaaaaaaaaa!” and maybe peed a little ‘cuz I thought it was my step-mother…

…”You know, J-Mo, you really ought to call your father more often, he worries about you hanging out with all those drug queens all the time… Oh?… Drag queens, is it? What are they dragging? Never mind, I don’t want to know, I’m sure its more of your special brand of heartbreaking weirdness that we’ll never understand…” …

After I retrieved my wildly beating heart from three streets over, I realized that it wasn’t my step-mother, but instead it’s a gentle chef by the name of Cindy Pawlcyn (and yes, at first I thought her last name was “Paw-luck-EEN” but really it’s pronounced “PAULson”) and she’s the executive chef and owner of Mustard’s Grill in Napa Valley as well as Cindy’s Backstreet Kitchen. NerdMosexual lispily calls her the “Queen Of Napa Valley Cooking”…

…which is quite apropos coming from the “Queen Of Solitary Saturday Night Masturbation”…

Cindy seems quite sweet and a tad nutty (just like granola!) as she says she’s been cooking since she was 13 years old and hopes she doesn’t “go brain-dead” during the competition. I’m guessing she hasn’t seen the caliber of some of the “chefs” on this show and doesn’t realize that the contents of her grease-traps are probably tastier and have far more culinary imagination than most of the dishes made by some of the hacks that have paraded their ass-faces across our TV screens…

…Case in point. …

Yowza! *twitch* I gotta stop doing that! Anyhow, Granowlycyn (pronounced “gra-NO-la-sin”) is making me feel warm and comfy (despite her unintentional resemblance to my step-mother) and she just looks like the kind of woman who’d give you a cookie if you asked her for one… well, that’s my test for How To Tell The Cool People From The Jerkwads, anyhow…

And speaking of Lé Jherquewadd, it’s time to meet our third Master of the evening, none other than Ludovic Lefebvre, who is clearly tickled to be a part of this show, you can just tell because he has that certain je ne sais quoi…

…which is French for “pissy-faced boogersnot”…

Of course, he owns his own restaurant. It’s called Ludo Bites. No, really. That’s the name of it. He totally called it that on purpose. One great thing about Ludocrous is that he is helpfully subtitled for the entire episode, and I certainly appreciate that because if it’s one thing that the French language is known for, it’s words with 73 consonants that are pronounced “meh”. Anyhow, he’s bragging about how he became a chef at the tender young age of 24 at a place called “L’Orangerie” which I highly suspect is the Parisian version of Orange Julius…

…”Zis eez where I beecomm zee expairt on mekeeng zee ‘Piña Colaza’ Jhooleuzz.”…

Le Ludocrous goes on to say that he was very lucky because he got to apprentice under Marcel Marceau and now when he does that “trapped in a glass box” thing in the park, people totally believe he’s actually trapped in a glass box! Oh, wait. Sorry, my mistake, I guess he actually apprenticed under Marc Meneau who is apparently one of “zee beegezt” chefs in all of France. Wow, only two paragraphs and already I’m tired of his “my deeck eez beeger zan yourr deeck” attitude. He admits that he is extremely competitive and doesn’t like to lose. I love it when people say that, don’t you? Okay, Lieutenant Obvious, exactly who does like to lose?

Ahhh, like a sweet, sweet refreshing palate cleanser, here comes a smiling Rick Bayless to brighten my day from those dark greasy clouds threatening to overtake it…

…plus he looks like he’d make you one of those tinfoil swans for your leftovers!…

Rick is the chef and owner of Frontera Grill and Topolobampo in Chicago, which I must admit is not the first city that comes to mind when thinking about Mexican food. However, it appears that Bayless has had a long and enduring love affair with Mexico and it’s native cuisine (he’s shown in his kitchens speaking fluent Spanish with his staff) and Daddy Tom says he’s had multiple James Beard award wins not just for being Best Chef, but also for Topolobampo being Best Restaurant in America! Huh… and here I thought that title already went to Waffle House! At any rate, Bayleafs is a bad ass, and yet he’s not huffing and puffing and trying to come on like one. Which, if I were competing against him would be far more frightening.

Now that everyone’s gathered together, here comes Bok Choi to welcome them and ask if any of them are feeling nervous or have butterflies at all. Bayleafs is the first to pipe right up and admit he’s nervous because he’s not in his home kitchen, and most of the other chefs smile and nod because they know exactly what he means and it’s a really cute bonding moment for them…

…with one notable exception…

Yes, of course, Ludocrous can only sneer at an inferior chef of Bayleafs stature admitting he’s nervous. Anyhow, Bok Choi points out that Bayleafs has been there before as a judge and he admits that it’s a lot easier to stand around and tell other people how they should have done their food better, but it’s very different when it’s your own stuff being judged and he’s scared to death.

Well, it’s too late for nerves now, because it’s time for the Quickfire Challenge, and they have to draw knives. Papi Tom 2.0 pulls first and gets a blade covered with the color orange. Granolwycyn chooses next and gets yellow, Le Ludocrous gets red and Bayleafs winds up with green. I was hoping they’d have to make a meal out of nothing but Starburst Fruit Chewsâ„¢ and Skittlesâ„¢ but my fantasy is denied. Instead, it turns out I was psychic once again, because this Quickfire is the one from Season Two where the chefs were asked to create a complete and satisfying dish based on a color! How does this prove I was psychic? Take a look at who won…

…Oxycontin Moonfaced Moron Mikey!…

Yup, this was the Quickfire where Moonfaced Moron wound up kicking everyone’s ass by serving “sushi rice with salmon and carrot chips”. Yes, that all sounds very orangey, but I still think you’d have to be stoned out of your gourd (like he was) to serve it to someone with a straight face. Papi Tom 2.0 is a little leery of this challenge already as he points out single-color dishes generally don’t appeal to most people. He has obviously never known the joy of diving into a brilliantly orange plate of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese.

Now we also get to meet today’s judges for the Quickfire…

…it’s the cast of “Self-Stimulation In The City”! …

I’m kidding! Actually the Weird Sisters here are comprised of a food stylist named Chris Oliver, a cookbook author named JoAnn Cianciulli (pronounced “chan-CHEW-lee”) and a food photographer named Christina Peters. Nope, still not impressed. They did better having previous cheftestants (or even rabid little girl scouts) to judge this stuff. These three just look ready to bitch faster than you can say “dateless”.

Bok Choi’s trying to convince us of their relevance here by insisting that they’re super-qualified to judge because they spend their lives thinking about how food looks as well as tastes, and I have to call bullshit on that, because I’ve seen plenty of those food styling and photography competitions on TV and they don’t have fuckall to do with how the stuff tastes, because a lot of the time they’re not even using fully cooked food or even food at all! Based on that, I’m thinking the only one who might have the valid foodie creds is JoAnn the cookbook author, but then I read her TwitterTwatters and they’re annoying so I’m kinda not caring for any of them at this point.

However, one lady I do care about is our gentle Granowlycyn, who says she’s suddenly far more nervous than she thought she’d be, “I am older, and I’m not as fast as I used to be.” Awww, buck up there Cindy, and don’t let these three intimidate you! With that, Bok Choi gives them their 30 minutes and it’s time to get colorful!…

…and let’s face it, if this boob can do it, then these four should be golden…

Bayleafs is a little freaked because so much of his style of cooking requires slow heat over a course of hours, and 30 minutes is barely enough time to do one tortilla, much less an entire dish. Le Ludocrous, on the other hand has jumped right on into his hue, “Red eez a vayree eentense colouer… and Ay’m vayree eentense!” Ooh la la!

LuLu’s going to make a red beet gazpacho, coupled with steak smothered in Gorton’s Tartar Sauce… Whoa, scratch that… it’s actually a steak tartare… which is a term derived from an old Turkish word that means “explosive bacterial diarrhea”. He’s going to gussy up his mound of finely chopped raw beef with some olive oil, tomato and watermelon. Well, why not add some Twizzlersâ„¢ and Cherry Kool-Aidâ„¢ to the mix while you’re at it? They’re intense red, too.

Ah, but now it’s time for Le Ludocrous to explain to this audience of simpletons that we ignorant Americans have no ideeea how chefs are trained in France, we just have no ideeea, “Zey reeely poosh yoo! Zey haff so mush prayssure!” and says that when he worked with Alain Passard…

…perhaps because he caught a glimpse of the state of his hair?…

Well, wah wah wah, I bet it’s no picneeck studying with LuLu, either. Anyhow, he says the whole crying incident caused him to realize he takes his cooking very personally and very seriously. And we probably should, too. But I won’t and he can’t make me, so there.

Now here’s something interesting… Granowlycyn’s talking about how she never thought she’d be able to own a restaurant on her own because when she started out a lot of male chefs didn’t even want women in the kitchen (well, at least professional kitchens, they had no problem with women being imprisoned in the home version)… “They thought we could be in the pantry or the bake shop but we could never become chefs… and they would tell you that, point-blank.”…

…once again, hairstyles weren’t the only thing we were wrong about in the Seventies…

…however she credits her determination and stubbornness as having made her strong enough to forge ahead and become the chef she knew she was meant to be. Good for you, Granowlycyn! Today for her dish full of sunshineyness she’s making quick-grits with vegetable curry (and calling it “A Celebration Of Yellow”, which, meh, should’ve worked a little harder on the name there, Gran) and adding in yellow tomatoes and yellow peppers and grilled sweet corn and cheese and crispy fried corn tortillas. I’m a tad surprised that there’s no lemon or pineapple being tossed in there, but perhaps she’s trying to actually win this thing.

Bayleafs is actually quite happy he wound up with green, because he cooks with green stuff all the time. He’s going to do roasted vegetables on a banana leaf with some molé verde made with roasted tomatillos, cilantro, green chile and thickened with pumpkin seeds. That sounds pretty good, if a tad colon-cleansing.

Papi Tom 2.0 got stuck with orange, and he’s making a smoked salmon tartare and raw carrots brunoise (which is apparently a fifty-cent word that means “cut up into teeny cubes”). He also happened to see some edible flowers in the pantry and while such things aren’t really his style, he believes that adding these to the dish will appeal to the Weird Sisters. I think adding a bottle of gin would appeal a helluva lot more, but I don’t know that much about women (other than almost being one) so perhaps the chewy flowers will be welcome…

…”Besides, I drank all the gin when Ludo showed up…” …

And wait a minute, here, didn’t Moonfaced Moron’s orange dish have almost the exact same ingredients? Are you sure you want to be mimicking the King of the Poopy Cheeto so closely Papi? We’ll soon find out. With 10 minutes left they’re all going into overdrive and Granowlycyn’s asking Le Ludocrous if she can use one of the corners of his stove for something and he magnanimously replies “Becozz eet eez yoo… normellee Ay doan shayir, Ay’m Frainsche!” Prick. Gran just chuckles and tells us she loves LuLu because he’s so French and gets so fired up. I think she means that he’s kind of an easily excitable dork and they love to set him off and watch him implode.

Two minute warning! (ooooh, butch reference, no?) Everybody’s plating like mad, Papi Tom 2.0′s shoving his salmon chunks into ring molds, Bayleaves is slopping green shit into his banana leaves, Granowlycyn’s got her “Celebration of Babyshit Yellow” confined to little bowls… and with only a minute left a suddenly very desperate sounding Ludocrous is begging her to help him plate his dish! This must be his payback for letting her use a corner of his stove. He’s having her pour out beet juice for him into containers while he spoons out his little tartare turds… except when Bok Choi returns and time is called it sounds as though she didn’t get it together for him in time because she looks embarrassed and murmurs “Sorry, honey.” I don’t think he even heard her because suddenly he let out a giant “Merde!” and is heading back over to the fridge…

…Le Ruh-Roh…

Poor LuLu, he can’t believe he made such a silly mistake, and is convinced that he’s going to lose right then and there. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the servers accidentally fucked him over, too, because they forgot to take the weird little urns of beet gazpacho with the plates (apparenly Granowlycyn was successful at getting that part done after all). “Why yoo doan take zat? Zee gazpashow havv soo mush fleveurs, ze vaneegarr, ze ballsameek, ze mousetard waz goeeng to go wizzee beef!” Looks like it’s too late cuz they’re serving it up to the Weird Sisters now…

…looks like a raw hamburger pattie with Jolly Ranchers to me…

The Sisters begin to chow down, and when the waiter returns Le Ludocrous verbally assaults him pointing out that “Ze beet joose wazz righeet zere, Ceeendee pleted eet forr mee!” LuLu’s freaking out, the waiter didn’t return to the table with the all important beet juice gazpacho until four minutes had passed! Meanwhile, the girls loved the tartare, they thought it tasted amazing… and suddenly the waiter reappears with the gazpacho and Bok Choi stops the Sisters in mid-bite to say the chef insisted they pour this glop on top of their dish before eating it…

…which is great because now instead of resembling a raw hamburger pattie it looks like a bowl of fresh menses…

Bokky asks them if the dish has become more appetizing. The answer is a resounding no, “That sauce looks like blood!” chirps one of the Sisters, and Le Ludocrous is rolling his eyes and swearing again. Ah well, c’est la vie!

They’ve moved on to Granowlycyn’s dish…

…awwww, it’s like a hug in a bowl!…

Annoying Tweeter JoAnn says she likes all the different shades of yellow and different textures, while Stylist Chris-O and Foodarazzi Christina praise the presentation (although Foodarazzi kind of makes a face about eating the grits). Granowlycyn takes a positive attitude, “Well, they didn’t, like, spit it out, so I’m feeling pretty good!”

It’s Bayleaves’ turn, and after the amuse-bouche-sized dishes they got out of LuLu and Gran, the Weird Sisters are definitely oohing and ahhing over the hearty-sized bowl containing his green dish as it’s placed in front of them…

…nice, but I don’t care for the slightly moldy look of the pumkin seeds…

Once again, Stylist Chris-O talks a lot about how the food looks, while Annoying Tweeter makes an unconscious-almost-puking face when she swallows a mouthful and kinda chokes out “It’s complex.”…

…good thing that bowl’s so big (just in case she loses her struggle with her gorge)…

…but then she tries to lie for her naked facial expression and says “It’s tas*urp*ty!” I’m not really buying it, but I think the presentation has ‘em sold.

Last one up with his plate of Comida Naranja is Papi Tom 2.0…

…awwww, looks like Fancy Feastâ„¢…

I half-expected a bitchy-looking Persian cat to jump up and start chowing down on that shit. As if that wasn’t weird enough, Papi accidentally left the ring-molds around his salmon patties, which Stylist Chris-O immediately notices probably should have been removed before the dish was served…

…especially since it’s not helping to dispel the whole “can of cat food” impression…

Foodarazzi says the watery-looking sauce is really great and Annoying Tweeter calls the flavors “big” and says she’s going to eat all of it, but she still looks like she’s ready to hurl. Perhaps that’s just the way her face is. Papi’s sooo embarrassed, he says it’s like leaving the laundry sticker on your tuxedo, but I’d go him one better and say it’s kind of like trying to wear the tuxedo while it’s still in the plastic bag. And has a bunch of giant cock rings dangling off of it.

With almost zero critique about the actual taste of the food, Bok Choi hands out the Star-Cards and the Weird Sisters clap their hands excitedly at getting to be judgmental about something. Back in the G.N.C. Monosodium Glutamate Kitchen, Granowlycyn calls out in vain “Don’t give any of us zeroes, okay? That would hurt our feelings!” Awww, she’s so sweet, I just wanna give her a big hug. Or a shot of tequila.

And here’s how it all panned out (pardon the pun)…

…Yay Papi (and poor LuLu!)…

Papi Tom 2.0 can’t believe he won the Quickfire, he thought for sure he was screwed, blued and tattooed for leaving those cock-rings ring molds on his plate, and he’s overjoyed, as is pretty much everyone else in regards to their scores…

…with the one usual exception…

Put your dirty looks away, Ludocrous! It’s time for the Elimination Challenge, which initially sounds pretty easy… they have to create a “street-food” dish that they’ll be serving to the general public at Universal Studios. The twist is, they’re going to have to use a “special” ingredient, and Bok Choi makes them draw knives to see what it will be. Papi Tom 2.0 gets #1, Granowlycyn #3, Ludocrous #4 and Bayleafs #2.

It turns out that Papi has to cook…

…with Captain Beefheart…

…while Bayleafs is awarded a big hunk of…

…Lesbian Fantasy (a.k.a. mega-tongue)…

…and Granowlycyn’s going to have to deal with…

…tripe (a.k.a. Proposition 8)…

…while Le Ludocrous got stuck having to contend with…

…yet another unfortunate by-product of the swine flu…

Papi Tom 2.0 says he’s never worked with beefheart before, but he’ll come up with something, and Bayleafs is happy because he loves to eat tongue, although he realizes what a challenge it’s going to be to get your average McAmerican to put down the freedom fries and pick up a hunk of cow-licker. Granowlycyn’s also excited about getting to work with offal (which she pronounces “AW-ful” and I always thought it was “OH-full”) because she thinks those are the “interesting parts”… like brains, spleen, liver, kidney, testicles, etc…

…okay, calm down about how much you like to consume body parts Mother Lecter!…

Of course, Le Ludocrous forces a great big smile and claims he likes sow ears, “Ay uze dat een Frahnze!”, he crows, just in case you forgot where he was from. I’m guessing France probably has a high population of deaf pigs just because they like to eat weird-ass shit like that. Privately, LuLu tells us “Eef yoo wann too bee zee Mastair, yoo nid to know abowoot food! Ay know how too koook zee peeg eer! Ay know how too koook zee traieep, zee tongg, zee haart! Ay know all zis teengs!” Yeah, and if you want to be the Master, you also need to remember to put all your fucking food on the plate before the buzzer sounds, okay Hercule Poirot?

Anyhow, Bok Choi lets them know they’re going to be given 45 minutes and $300.00 to go shopping at Whole Paycheck Market (which will buy exactly two olives and a martini glass) as well as access to the entire Top Chef Masters Pantry. They also get 3 hours to prep in the kitchen and then an hour on location the following day at Universal Studios to prepare and cook their street-food for the public.

At Whole Paycheck, after all his bluster and blowsy bullshit, Le Ludocrous is suddenly having an attack of nerves, saying “Wee doan doo strit-food een Frahnze!” so he’s desperate for something easy and quickly settles on making a pig’s ear quesadilla. To this end he immediately grabs Bayleafs and starts pumping him for some vital information…

…”Well, Ludo, I think that would definitely be Limburger…”…

Bayleafs is too nice to do that to the prick, so he helps LuLu out, but privately he says “What does a Frenchman know about making quesadillas?” I say who cares as long as we get to see some kind of crash-and-burn here!

While wandering the store and mulling over ideas, Papi Tom 2.0 has had a flash of inspiration to do a tripleta (or “three meat”) sandwich that is very traditional street-vendor fare in Puerrrrto Rrrrico. He’s also going to change it up a little by putting it in pita-bread instead of on regular French or Cuban bread. Oh yeah, and instead of regular beef, it’ll be cow heart. Mmm.

Wow, Granowlycyn’s still high on the fact that they’ll be cooking and serving awful offal, and says she started a club called “Girls Who Eat Guts” (or GWEG for short) and they go out and eat organ meat. I guess joining a bowling league was just too pedestrian for them. Anyhow, she’s making everyone’s favorite tripe-related product…

…and yes, I bet it tastes just like boysweat…

Okay, wrong menudo, but you knew I had to do that. I’ve never understood why menudo is considered a “hangover cure”, generally the last thing my stomach needs after a night of heavy boozing is some spiced up stomach lining. However, Granowlycyn swears by it and thinks she’s got a great idea on her hands.

Uh-oh, there’s drama in Frahnze! Le Ludocrous has just spied Bayleafs cart filled with tortillas because he’s decided to do a tongue taco (well, duh, LuLu, the guy’s only an honorary Mexican for Chrissake, did you think he was going to go for making a soufflé or egg rolls?) and now LuLu says he wishes he had not told Bayleafs that he was making a quesadilla because he’s convinced that Rick “copied” him. “Ay’m note here too hailp peepull!” he whines. What an asshole…

…hmmm, perhaps Bayleafs convinced him to buy Limburger cheese for his quesadillas after all…

Back at the G.Q. Monorail Kitchen, the four Masters are just now realizing that these kinds of bizarre proteins generally take a loooong time to cook, so Granowlycyn’s going to put her tripe in a pressure cooker… if she can figure out how to put the lid on so it doesn’t blow off and decapitate Ludocrous. Hey, on second thought, leave that lid just a smidge loose, K Gran?

Papi Tom 2.0′s not taking any chances with his beefheart, he’s slicing it thinly and then chopping it even finer so it looks kind of like bacon, only weird-tasting. Meanwhile LuLu is blanching his pig ears in a broth with lots of veggies and hoping he has enough time to change their rubbery consistency into something more edible. And wouldn’t you know it, once again, the time is running out and LuLu is freaking out because he doesn’t have his crap packed up and ready to go, everybody else finished way before him. Bayleafs generously offers to help him pack stuff up, but Le Ludocrous takes this as an insult and privately says “Stay awaiy from mee, Leemee alyone…” and then he unloads my personal favorite…

…”Doan tayill mee houw too koook!…

Um, LuLu, I hate to break it down for you, but he was just offering to put some stuff in a few Glad Family Of Productsâ„¢ containers for you, it’s not like he tried to put his hands down your pants. Although I’m starting to wonder if a handjob is just what Ludocrous needs to loosen up a little. I’m not volunteering, just wondering aloud.

The next day the Masters arrive at Universal Studios and begin their one hour of prep/cook time. Granowlycyn’s happy that she chose to go with her menudo because it’s easy to serve soup in a little bowl rather than have to make a bunch of tacos or sammiches. She’s even found a cutesy name for it: “Yummy Tummy”. Ugh, I think “Barfy Snarfy” is closer to truth in advertising. I have to come clean right now, I could never be a member of GWEG, even though there are many people who would probably be amazed and/or disgusted at some of the things I have put in my mouth, something about eating the non-Big-Mac parts of animals just doesn’t sit right with me.

Ahhh, it appears there are more problems in LuLuville as his mass of pig ears has congealed into one solid block and he’s going to have to chop them all up again, losing another 15 minutes. Good thing nobody is there to help him with this task, especially when it seems that the grills they are dealing with don’t work so well…

…boy oh boy do I wish he was wearing plastic gloves!…

Sorry, but tatted-up people touching my food gives me the willie-jeebies. Papi and Gran are wearing gloves (and Gran’s serving soup!) and Bayleafs at least looks clean. The time comes to open the park and let people in and Ludocrous doesn’t have a single quesadilla cooked. Bwahahahahaha! Way to go, Mr. You-Have-No-Idea-How-Much-Pressure-We-French-Chefs-Study-Under… so far the only person who has freaked out this entire episode is you, dickcheese!

Oh well, let’s see how everybody else is doing. Bayleafs is doing his best to keep all the ingredients of his taco in motion whilst carrying on conversations with the crowd. A couple of random gays show up at his station and one of them catcalls “C’mon Rick… slip me some tongue!” and they giggle…

…ugh, calm down, girls… and close your mouth, he’s not really going to kiss you…

SInce when did gay 50′s-wear become fashionable? Or is that Top Chef Season 3 “winner” Dung in disguise? Ewie. Oh look, here comes the Gang Of Ugly Critics That Make Kelly Choi Look Like A Supermodel!…

..♪.”I feel pretty..♪. oh so pretty..♪.”…

Bayleafs is a tad unsettled at the sight of Gramma Gael Greene, he says you never know what’s going to tick the old woman off about a dish, “I don’t think she’s as predictable as some of the other critics.” Well, here comes tongue taco nevertheless…

…I swear I heard it make a “pppbbffflblft!” sound at me!…

Bok Choi immediately orgasms upon biting into the taco, while NerdMosexual hisses that it’s “brilliant” and “melt-in-your-mouth tender”. FugTaser, of course, has to be the ugly wet blanket and says that this is not the kind of food you’d want to have on a date because a lot of those strong flavors are going to stay on your breath afterwards. Cha! Like he goes on dates. Gramma says she’d definitely eat a second one and looks wistfully back over at Bayleaf’s station.

Ahhh, el es tan cute, Papi Tom 2.0 is really getting into the whole “street-vendor” thing, he’s bantering with the crowd while he’s making his tripleta sammiches, and seems to be charming the heck out of everybody…

…and looking more Daddy Tomalicious than evah!…

He’s next to serve the Critics…

…I just want you all to know how much torture it is to have to write about and look at beautiful food like this when the only things to eat in this house are lint-covered Tic-Tacs…

I may have to make a run for the Del Taco. NerdMo’ complains that he’s got too much topping on his tripleta, he’s not getting any of the beefheart in his bite. You know, if he’d just unpurse his lips for a minute he’d have better luck (in more ways than one). FugTaser says there are lots of textures and Gramma helpfully lists them: “Spicy, salty, creamy!” and now I’m feeling dirty and abused.

Ahhh, but speaking of dirty and abused, I actually feel a little bit sorry for Le Ludocrous, because he’s got a clot of hungry people waiting as he nervously tries to make excuses for why there is no food forthcoming from his station…

…you know you’re taking too long when the creepy gay guys have run out of sleazy double-entendres…

Wah wah wah, he says normally when he does events like this he has five chefs working with him (which probably means they do all the work while he stands around, smokes nasty cigarettes and hits on people). The situation doesn’t get any better when the judges arrive and there is still no food to be eaten (he’s trying to make the quesadillas cook faster by putting pans on top of them as they fry). He immediately gets all defensive, perhaps because he sees an Englishman like FugTaser scowling at the lack of food. He launches into a very involved explanation of his magical cheese-crisp…

…you know you’re taking too long when J-Mo has run out of captions…

He’s blathering on an on to them saying inane crap like “Koookeeng eez oll abowut takeneeque…” as if they’re first-graders on a field trip to Applebee’s. Right after he says that he screws up the quesadilla he’s cooking. LE FAIL. In an attempt to pass the time, NerdMosexual asks him if he’s made quesadillas before, and LuLu says “uhhhhhhhhhhh” way too long before claiming yes, he has. “At home? Or professionally?” asks NerdMo’. “Doan strayss mee!” barks Le Ludocrous, “Ay’m zee chayf here!”, which prompts FugTaser to snap right back at him with “We’re the customers!” LuLu admits privately that FugTaser scares him a little bit, and I can’t say I blame him there…

…you best get this man a quesadilla or he’ll tase you, bro…

Ludocrous chalks it up to him being French and FugTaser is English, which is apparently a long-standing feud of some kind a la Montague vs. Capulet. Anyhow, Bok Choi pipes up “This street-food is taking awhile, Ludo!”, but it looks like he’s finally put forth an unevenly browned quesadilla for them to munch on. He’s also shamelessly trying to use his accent to “sharm” Gramma Gael into liking him and ignoring the fact that it took him 90 minutes to cook a lousy cheese crisp.

NerdMosexual likes the texture of the pig’s ear, but doesn’t know if it really works in relation to all the cheese, “It’s kind of like a grilled cheese sandwich with pig’s ear in it!” he jokes, and ugh, my stomach just took a slow roll over on it’s side and is considering whether or not to reject my dinner. FugTaser, however, says he still finds it a “satisfying mouthful”. Gramma Greene is mysteriously silent, and as usual, nobody gives a ripe fuck what Bok Choi thinks.

Last up is Granowlycyn and her peppy happy hangover-healing “Yummy Tummy” menudo. Lucky for her it looks like quite a cold day there and people are enjoying having a warm little bowl of soup to eat…

…*sigh*… I still prefer the other hot’n'spicy Menudo…

Gramma Greene loves the hominy, but FugTaser’s surprised that it tastes a little underseasoned. NerdMo’ agrees, but says the tripe itself is cooked well and Gramma slurps more of it up saying how tender it is. Sounds like a pretty resounding “meh” to me.

The Critics pass out the Star-Cards and head back to their Table as the Masters clean up. Le Ludocrous really really wants to beat Bayleafs taco with his crappy quesadilla, but I think he’s living la vie en rose. He’s really itching to get back and get beat down the results. “Less go, less go, less go, geev mee my scoare an tayill me Ay ween!” You know, I’m finding that LuLu’s “sharm” is wearing a bit thin on me, and I’d really like him and his accent to just STFU…

…and speaking of other annoying people I’d like to shut the hell up…

Back at the Critic’s Table, Ludocrous is asked by NerdMosexual to explain the ingredients he used in the court-bouillon (poaching liquid) he used to cook his pig’s ear and he lists “tairneeps, licks, carrotes, ownyuns and cloove… zat’s eet!” Ahhh, but NerdMo’ was laying for him, because he immediately says he didn’t really get any of those subtle beautiful flavors in the pig’s ear. Still itching for your scores there, LuLu?

Next, Granowlycyn mentions how nervous she was having to cook tripe on a short timetable, but NerdMosexual assures her it was well-cooked. However, FugTaser jumps in to assert that the broth of the menudo was underseasoned and underflavoured. Gran says she was trying to make “the world’s most introductory menudo” so she didn’t make it as spicy as she could have. Too late now.

They pretty much fall all over themselves to praise Bayleafs and his tomatillo tongue taco, FugTaser’s only complaint being that he needed more acidity, which is insane considering it all but drips from his own tongue.

Last up is Papi Tom 2.0 and his tripleta sammiches. NerdMosexual is curious how the meats are prepared in a normal and traditional tripleta and Papi admits they’re not usually as julieandrewsed as he did with the beefheart, but he wanted to be totally certain it would be tender. Plus, blech, big chunks of heart? I don’t think so. Gramma Greene loved the spicy mayonnaise, but NerdMo complains that the pita bread wasn’t toasted and thinks that doing that would have been “time well spent”. Bitch, puh-leeze. If Papi’d had to toast 492 pockets of pita bread it would have taken him twice as long as LuLu to put out any food and everyone would have starved to death (or died from pig’s-ear poisoning).

The Masters get sent back to the holding area where there is the usual array of fabulous liquor available (Granowlycyn seems the most pleased out of all of them, so I’m guessing she likes to beat the bottle from time to time). Oh, and here’s tonights viewer poll…

…my choice would have been: E. Chilled Monkey Anus…

After the Critics rehash and the Masters are brought back in it’s time it’s time it’s time for Le Ludocrous to get his scores. He had a starting Quickfire score of 3 stars (*cough*bottom*cough*) and the diners gave his faboo cheese crisp 3½ stars. NerdMo’ and Gramma give him 3 stars each, while FugTaser gushes and trots out the tired “You made a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” analogy and gives him 4 stars, bringing his total to 16½ stars.

Next up is Granowlycyn, who started with 3½ stars and received 3 more from the diners. Gramma gives her 3½ stars, FugTaser gives an even 3, and NerdMosexual goes for the throat as he only gives her 2½ stars! Ouch! This means…

…there’s going to be a pretty bitter meeting of GWEG in the near-future…

Awwww, poor Gran needs a hug! Well, she’s heading back where the liquor is, a few belts of that will fix her right up. It’s time to find out about Bayleafs results. He started out with 4 stars and received 4 from the diners. FugTaser gives him 4½ stars while Gramma and NerdMosexual give him a perfect 5 star score each! *gasp* Could it be? Does this mean? Is it really?…

…BWAHAHAHAHAHA!…

Yup, it looks like LuLu’s quesadilla just got pwned by Bayleafs’ taco, and I couldn’t be happier. I’m waiting for knives and other kitchen implements to come whizzing out at the Critic’s Table but so far all is quiet since Le Ludocrous left the room.

Last up is our precious Papi Tom 2.0 who started with the Quickfire high score of 4½ stars, and he received 4 stars from the diners. He also gets 4 stars each from FugTaser and Gramma Greene, with NerdMo’ being all hardass again and only giving him a paltry 3 stars… this brings his total to 19½ stars and makes Bayleafs the winner of this round, he gets $10,000.00 for his charity Frontera Farmers Foundation and moves on to the Champions Round!…

…where he can compete against a sweet Frenchman… oh, and SnoozAnne, too…

Le Ludocrous says he wants to come back again, so if there’s a Top Chef Masters Season 2 he’ll be the first to sign up. I think he’ll lose all over again, so I say go for it. Granowlycyn says when she gets home she’s going to order some tripe and make some more menudo, and Papi Tom 2.0 is pleasantly surprised that his charity will also get a donation made to it, and says he enjoyed the experience. Bayleafs says he’s pretty excited and thinks he’s got a good chance at taking home the big prize. We’ll find out in a couple of weeks. He better pray they don’t choose a Chinese cooking challenge or he’ll be screwed.

And there you have it! What did you think of this episode? Is Ludocrous a typical Frenchman, or do you think he was playing to the stereotypes (and the cameras)? Isn’t Granowlycyn a total sweetheart? And would you be intrigued by a short film containing Daddy Tom, Papi Tom 2.0, a couple of sticks of butter and an inflatable mattress? Or is it just me? Let’s hear your thoughts.

love, J-Mo

P.S. For those of you interested in the drag thing, here’s how the Miss Gay Arizona Pageant turned out. Our dance crew (The Fly Boyz) backed up not just one, but two queens. Here’s us with Contestant #3, Miss Gay Phoenix America… Ebonae Shane…

And here is our talent production of Mary J. Blige’s “Just Fine”…

As you can see, there was a hair malfunction that I was partially responsible for that resulted in docked points… however in my own defense I must say that the whole hair-clip-removal thing was literally a last-minute change, and the dance itself went off without a hitch (no music stoppage this time!) and Ebonae went on to win the Solo Talent category and the equivalent of Miss Congeniality, but she did not place overall.

Here we are with Contestant #8, First Alternate to Miss Gay Queen Of The Desert, Candi Coleé…

And here is our talent production of a Missy Elliott megamix…

We were quite proud of Candi, she worked hard on this number, wound up winning the Long Form Talent category, and eventually placed as 2nd Alternate overall. We had a lot of fun, and even though I’ve gotten fatter than ever, it felt good to perform with both of them…

love, J-Mo