Top Chef Masters: You Have To Believe We Are Maaaagic!

Hey everybody! I just realized something… I’ve been recapping for TVGasm for an entire year now (my first recap ever was on July 2nd of last year) and I just want to give a big warm and gooey thanks to all of you incredible ‘Gasmii for making me feel so welcome, I absolutely love my work here… especially when I get to see people who look like this…

…”…when I count to five you will no longer notice my silly Ming The Merciless hairline…”…

Pricelessly comic and creepy, all rolled into one (just like penis-shaped lollipops!). After a week’s hiatus, my new favorite show Top Chef Masters is back, and boy do they have some delish tidbits for us tonight! Not only do we get Gail Simmons back (and she still looks like that stinky-ass MexiJay dressed her) but Daddy Tom himself makes a cameo! Yum-meee! Oh yeah, and that queen Neil Patrick Harris stops by to bitch and whine for us a little bit (and try to make us aaaaaall forget that he actually had a role in The Next Best Thing). So, come take my hand ♪ you should know me ♪ I’ve always been in your mind ♪ you know I will be kind ♪ I’ll be guiding you… As I’m writing this, Scar is appearing on the God Oprah show, cuz Oprah’s doing some kind of Super Sammich challenge (the challenge being to actually finish making the sammich before Oprah gobbles it down) and Scar’s wearing a hideous dress (probably designed by Merlin from The Fashion Show). Hi Scar! We miss you. Hurry home to Top Chef soon. And stop dressing yourself when you’re buzzin’.

At any rate, the first Master to penetrate the eerily empty Top Chef Masters G.O.D. Monotheism Kitchen is this episode’s token ChubChef, one Douglas Rodriguez. He’s the chef and proprietor of a restaurant called Ola in Miami and Alma De Cuba (which means “Soul Of Cuba”) in Philadelphia, PA, the as-yet-to-be-opened Nuela in NYC, and Deseo out here near my neck of the desert in Scottsdale, AZ. Dougie-poo reminds me heavily (pardon the pun) of a Latino Gene Shalit…

…who is desperately trying to create a chin for himself by wearing an “O”-tee…

Unfortunately, all that’s doing is emphasizing the presence of his second-thru-fourth chins. El Shalito says somewhat smugly that he specifically calls his cuisine genre “tortilla-free Latin American cooking”. Great. I guess that means trying to eat tacos and burritos at his restaurants is a lot messier than normal. What did those harmless (and delicioso) tortillas ever do to you, hombre?…

…Ahhhhhh, I get it now…

Daddy Tom pops up for 3.57 seconds to say that El Shalito is responsible for coining the phrase “Nuevo Latino Cuisine” (because El Torito and Taco Bell are considered “Viejo Latino Cuisine”) and that he’s been given the James Beard award for Rising Waistline Star Chef. El Shalito goes on to say that the tough thing about being with the Masters is that everybody’s passionate and competitive. And they have single chins.

Speaking of passionate, in comes the next Master of the evening, our second chefbian of the season (after our dearly departed LezBeth) and her name is Ms. Anito Lo. She immediately dons her special chola doo-rag…

…heyyyy, w’suuup, Lo-Ridahhhh…

…and speaking in the lifeless voice of a zombie, she mumbles that she’s been living (or possibly undead) in NYC since 1984 and that she’s chef and partner of Rickshaw Dumpling Bar there. She’s also the chef and owner of Annisa in Greenwich Village… although, sadly, Annisa is currently closed because a fire broke out in the kitchen on July 4th and they’re having to rebuild the whole restaurant. Poor thing. I don’t blame her for sounding crossly comatose, ‘cuz a tired lesbian is not a happy lesbian.

Anyhow, NoNita Mann says she was awarded Food & Wine’s Best New Chef in 2001 and that she has a “Michelin Star”, which I was shocked to discover is actually awarded by the tire company whose mascot I closely resemble…

…me dancing in my blue scarf…

NerdMosexual stops by to make my TV get ill for having to show his mug on it and says the fact that NoNita Mann works on the line so much is a definite advantage for her, she’s a great cook on top of being a chefbian. Prophetically, she says you have to be really tenacious to be successful in the restaurant business…

…”Marinate, damn you!”…

I feel bad for NoNita having so much crappy luck, she seems really talented… I must note, she was a challenger on Iron Chef America and beat Mario Batali (who is by far the baddest of the Iron Chefs, he’s got an 82.6% win rate). I wish she had also chopped off that stupid ponytail of his and then set fire to those goddamned orange Crocs.

Speaking of badasses who have beat Mario Batali (and his fugly shoes) on Iron Chef America, in comes New Orleans resident John Besh, who owns several restaurants there (including August, Lüke, Domenica, La Provence and Besh Steak). I have to admit, at first I thought he said his name was John Tesh, which would have been extremely unfortunate…

…John Tesh < John Besh...

NerdMosexual’s back to his old sssssppssssippsy tricksiesss again as he calls John a “real Cajun boy” and hisses that “He bringssss a lot of that great kinda ssssnazzssssy Cajun flair to hissss very fine classssssssical French cooking.” Gee thanks, NerdMo’… now the inside of my TV’s picture tube is all spitty. Blech. I hope he never has to say words like “Mississippi”, “supercilious” and “semi-sleeplessness” or everyone in the room will undoubtedly drown.

Yayyy, here’s a rather shiny Gail Simmons back again to tell us that CaJohn Boy won a James Beard Best Chef Southeast award for 2006 as well as Food & Wiyeen’s Best New Chef of 1999…

…Hmmm, looks like Gail could use some powder. And a nice big boner. …

Besh is proud to be representing his Cajun style of cooking, and my BF just told me that he was almost chosen as The Next Iron Chef, but lost to that cueball with a big SSPâ„¢ (Stupid Soul Patch) Michael Symon.

The last Master to join the other three tonight is Mark Peel from Los Angeles, where he’s chef/owner of Campanile (pronounced Cam-pa-KNEE-lay) which is right around the corner from where I used to live in West Hollywood. I never ate there because my favorite restuarant was much closer… oh, and was a zillion times cheaper (I’ve never been a fan of any place that served $8 mashed taters)…

…”What? I’m saving up for a double Ear Reduction surgery!”…

Daddy Tom says Marky Doody here got his start working in one of Wolfgang Puck’s kitchens, Gail says he’s also a F&W Best New Chef and a multiple James Beard award winner, while NerdMosexual just creams in his Jockeys and says Campanile is literally one of the best restaurants in L.A. For $8 those mashed taters better make my shorts a mess, too.

Bok Choi makes her first appearance and introduces herself. Everyone looks puzzled by her presence so she has to explain who she is. Unfortunately the Masters still look blankly expectant…

…”Sooooooooooo, where’s Padma?”…

Poor Bokky will never match the recognition factor of Scar. Anyhow, it’s time for the Recycled Quickfire Challengeâ„¢ and she says this one was inspired by Auguste Escoffier (the “Father of French Cuisine”) who thought you could test any chef’s skill using one basic ingredient…

…this isn’t it…

Although, wouldn’t that be a fabulous challenge? No, actually the Masters turn to a cheery gingham-covered basket on each of their tables and pull back the cloth to reveal a bunch of…. eggs. Marky Doody reminds us that eggs are extremely hard to cook well, the difference between perfect and overdone is mere seconds. Drama queen. Ahh, but the twist is from the All-Stars challenge in Top Chef Season 3… they have to cook their eggs with one hand behind their back…

…NoNita Mann ain’t worried, ‘cuz she can think of lots of things you can do one-handed…

Me, too. Anyways. the last time they pulled this stunt on the chefs it wound up being that buttwad Steven The Aspiring Sommelier who won with what Bok Choi calls “a perfect omelet”. Hopefully these Masters can beat that with something a little more refined. Oh, and by the way, just so the pressure is that much higher, guess who’s judging the Quickfire today?…

…”No more burnt charred rubbery eeeeeggs!”…

Or wire hangers. Bokky claims that Gail’s “been known to cry when her eggs are not cooked properly!” Yeah, and behead people. Next to Gailzilla is a guy named Terry Reish who runs Chino Valley Egg Ranch…

…and can probably never get the smell of chicken shit out of his hair…

And our last judge is a rather pinched-looking woman named Monica May…

…whose hair-colorist apparently also works one-handed…

Apparently the Nickel Diner is one of L.A. “hottest new breakfast spots”. Oh please, since when did Angelenos become too good for Jack In The Box? At any rate, Bok Choi advises the Masters to look under their cutting boards for a bright red oven mitt that they have to use to cover the hand they won’t be utilizing and gives them only 25 minutes to make their perfect eggs!

Right away El Shalito decides he’s going to make arepas, which is a type of Latin-American breakfast bread that utilizes eggs (and not tortillas) but he admits having to do everything one-handed is a bit of a circus act, especially when trying to make something with dough!

…Yummee. I hope he clipped his fingernails. …

I also wish he had worn some gloves. Moving on, Marky Doody says his dad was born with only one arm, and Marky grew up watching him have to do everything one-handed, so he knows he can do this. I’m not sure how to follow his logic, but I ain’t touching that one with either arm. Anyhow, he doesn’t want to do something too simple so he’s going to try and produce a duck-egg pasta with a light egg and olive oil cream sauce. “I’m gonna nail this!” he insists. Which means he’s going to totally bone it.

Meanwhile, CaJohn Boy is making perfect over-easy eggs that he’s gonna put inside of little butter-filled ramekins that he can top with stuff like asparagus. He’s super-confident because he makes this “dish” every morning (I’m assuming it has some kind of special name, like “Over-Easy Eggs WIth Random Shit Thrown On Top Of Them”) so I’m thinking some kind of eggy disaster is about to strike…

…or someone may accidentally circumcise themselves…

NoNita Mann’s suddenly in the odd position of needing a man to help her. She wants to cut the tops off of her eggs in a very precise manner and there’s no way to do that one-handed, so she glumly asks CaJohn Boy to hold her eggs for her while she commits ovumicide…

…and don’t think she hasn’t had fantasies about doing this to the testicles of some of her more annoying New York colleagues…

That’s the first time I’ve seen a semi-smile on her otherwise dour proletariat’s face! NoNita mumbles she’s making soft-scrambled eggs that she’ll jazz up by adding some Asian-y flavors such as truffle oil and oyster sauce. Mmmmm, sounds kind of earthy and fishy and sorta vaginal at the same time. Ew.

Since CaJohn Boy was a guest judge last season (which I like to refer to as “The Ho-Hum-sea Season”) he remembers how much he enjoyed watching Beaker and Stefan and Hoser sweat it out (while he yukked it up with Le Mullet!) but now that the oven mitt’s on the other hand “It’s not as easy as it looks!” In order to get the perfect timing on his Over-EZs he’s waited until they have 15 minutes left and then puts his eggs (ramekins and all) in the oven. Aaaaaaaaaargh! Doesn’t he realize that those G.D. Monistat ovens are actively evil? They either heat up at a leisurely pace of 1 degree per minute or they go from zero to 5,000 kelvins in 2 seconds and incinerate the entire kitchen! When he goes back to check on his eggs, he discovers that they haven’t even begun to cook yet! In an attempt not to panic, he grabs a single ramekin and plops it down directly on top of a lit stove burner, hoping the egg will cook faster that way. I think it’s more likely that there’s a burnt charred rubbery future for it and Gail’s gonna shit.

Marky Doody amazingly was able to roll his pasta and cook it with what looks like a delicious sauce, but when it’s finished he only has 20 seconds to plate it! He barely makes it, but his presentation leaves something to be desired…

…although, when I make dinner, this is pretty much how everything looks…

Yeah, that’s kinda my childish tactic for getting out of having to cook dinner. Poor CaJohn Boy, he’s kicking himself for not having checked his eggs sooner, but it’s far too late now, he’s only going to have one small ramekin with just eggs and butter in it to send out to the judges.

However, first up is El Shalito’s creation…

…a nice bowl of Ham’n'Phlegm…

Seriously, that looks like a great big loogie, but Gail thinks it’s delicious and wonders aloud if the “biscuit” is homemade. C’mon, Gail… like the Top Chef Masters pantry is gonna be stocked with Pillsbury Biscuitsâ„¢?!? SkunkDo thinks the eggs are nicely cooked and Terry the Chicken Ranch Man likes that they’re so fluffy. Looks like El Shalito may have a hit on his hands!

Next up is Marky Doody’s amazingly messy pasta dish…

…okay, so they cleaned this one up…

Chicken Ranch Man wants to know how you make noodles with one hand. I dunno, go ask those guys from The Fugitive and Twin Peaks, stupid! Skunky says the texture of the noodles is very nice, and that seems to be the only adjective she knows (besides “tu-tone” and “disastrous”). Gail, on the other hand, says she wishes there was more herb in the dish, she’s not getting much flavor and Chicken Ranch agrees that it’s very bland. Upon hearing that Marky Doody realizes with slowly dawning horror that he forgot to put the olive oil in the dish! Duhhhhh.

Showcasing the most interesting presentation is NoNita Mann…

…funny how hers is the most phallic…

Gail loves the dildo-esque vessel (natch!) and SkunkaDoodle switches it up this time and calls the dish “lovely”, while Chicken Ranch Man thinks the small spoon has a big taste. Zzzzzzz, I think they just liked being served something in a vase.

Of course, Bok Choi makes certain to mention that the last Master (CaJohn Boy) didn’t have time to actually finish the dish, so there’s only one for them all to share…

…it should have read “Regurgitated Egg”…

Skunky immediately points out that one side of the egg is raw, while Chicken Ranch says it just tastes like a fried egg, nothing more. Gail nails the lit shut on CaJohn Boy’s coffin when she says “There was a taste at the very end that I’m getting, that almost tastes like burnt grease!” I’m sure that means she’ll give it five stars. Or the finger.

After collecting their star-cards, Bok Choi meets up with the Masters to deliver the results…

…OMG. Worst. Quickfire. Score. Ever. …

Poor CaJohn Boy, he really got buttfucked on this one! At least he helped NoNita get five stars, and he says a half-star is 50% more than what he expected to get. I’d say it was 100% more than he deserved. Still, with 20 more stars up for grabs, anybody could still win (or so they’d like us to think).

Today’s Elimination Challenge will be to create a meal for Emmy-nominated actor Neil Patrick Harris. The reactions of the Masters are priceless…

…Yay. …

I especially love how NoNita’s face clearly says “Oh gawd, not another queen to cook for!” I don’t blame her, I’m sure a lot of New York City gays are super bitchy critical… just look at that PC kid on NYC Prep. Anyways, El Shalito thinks it’s really cool that they get to cook for that guy on How I Met Your Mother, but he’ll always remember Neil as Doogie Howser, M.D. whereas I always remember Neil from his very first movie Clara’s Heart where he talks and sings in Jamaican patois and feels up the incredibly sexy Whoopi Goldberg…

…HAWT…

The dinner they’ll be making is going to take place at The Magic Castle in Hollywood, because Neil is a lifelong fan of magic and serves on the board of directors there… and to help introduce their challenge she trots out that Ming The Merciless character…

…nice eight-head Maxi-Pad…

The fact that he’s shorter than Bok Choi (even while wearing little bootees with Kiss-style heels on them) is kinda cracking me up. Maxi-Pad says there’s a real connection between magic and cooking because both involve following a recipe. And wearing funny hats. Anyhow, Maxi the Merciless says that “recipe” involves 4 “ingredients”: mystery, a surprise, illusion and spectacle, and then he whips out and fans a deck of playing cards that are completely blank…

…er, at least the six cards we get to see are completely blank…

He then goes through an elaborate bunch of hocus-pocus bingo-bango eenie-meanie-chilli-beanie to have each Master choose their own “blank” card. When he finally has them look at their cards it turns out Marky Doody’s says “MYSTERY”, CaJohn Boy’s says “SURPRISE”, El Shalito’s says “SPECTACLE” and NoNita Mann’s says “ILLESBIAN” “ILLUSION”. After this grand reveal there is a moment of awkward silence and then Bok Choi is frantically trying to get everyone to clap real loud so Maxi-Pad doesn’t feel like such a tampon…

…Whee. To tell you the truth, I’m a little underwhelmed, too…

Bokky spells it out that their challenge will be to create a dish inspired by the qualities of magic. Duh. They get $250.00 to shop at Whole Paycheck Market, 2 hours to prep in the TCM kitchen, and then an hour to cook at the Magic Castle itself on the following day for Neily-O and company. So it’s off to Whole Paycheck for the weekly 45 minute spree!

Marky Doody’s trying to figure out how he’s going to embody his dish with “mystery” and decides to use a classic French preparation technique called en papillote which means “in paper”, or, more aptly “cooking something with the wrapper still on” (which means all of you lunchtimers who nuke burritos in the microwave at the 7-Eleven are using a French technique… oui oui!). Anyhow Marky thinks this will be perfect because nobody is going to know what’s inside of his paper pouch until they open it. It’ll be just like opening a Christmas gift that the cat peed all over first!

CaJohn Boy’s desperate to knock this challenge out of the park since he’s lagging way back in the Half-Star Loser’s Ward, and since his word is “surprise” he’s thinking that he might use the giant liquid nitrogen tank back in the kitchen for something. I’d say rig it up in the ceiling and at a key moment have it drop down on Neil’s head. That’d be a surprise. Kidding! Have it drop down on FugTaser, instead.

Meanwhile, El Shalito’s keeping his ideas close to his chubby vest… all he’ll say is that since his word is “spectacle” he gonna cook dishes that knows will make people say wow… “Any good magician or chef doesn’t wanna divulge all their secrets, so I can’t tell you the spectacle part, you’re gonna hafta…. wait and see.”…

…which I think is his coy way of saying “I don’t have a clue what I’m going to do yet, either.”…

Checking back in with NoNita Mann, she’s going for “illusion” by making something that looks like a scallop. Jeeeeezusss, If she’s going to do that by slicing up a fucking banana then I’m going to throw something at my TV. Ah, no, she’s going to make her scallop out of some kind of other seafood meat, like pork. NoNita drones that she’s not the most “theatrical chef” (no!) so this is actually kinda fun for her to have the chance to branch out and do something different for a change. Dear God, I just realized where I’ve seen her smile before…

…at the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Nail Salon…

Marky Doody says the unspoken concensus between the three male Masters is that Miss Five Star NoNita’s the one to beat, and that he briefly fantasizes about oversalting everything she makes today, but he’s just kidding. However, he admits that she has a “massive reputation” in New York (I’m not sure if “massive” means good or bad) and that there is a definite rivalry between East Coast and West Coast chefs. Marky explains, “Someone said ‘No chef has really made it until he’s got a restaurant in New York!’…”

…I think he disagrees…

Back in the TCM Kitchen, El Shalito’s saying that his main influence was Julia Child. In fact, even when he was just 8 years old and his brothers wanted to watch cartoons, he always wanted to turn to PBS and watch Julia Child. I’m thinking that little Shalitito spent a lot of time getting the shit beat out of him by his brothers. Hey, I don’t blame them… nobody messes with my SpongeBob Saturdays. Anyhow, he’s going to do four different preparations of duck, plus flames and ice. We’ll see.

Suddenly, like a big burst of sexy, in strides Daddy Tom! Yay for Daddy Tom actually doing more than 10 seconds on this show! He smiles and tells the Masters he’s not there to judge, he’s just there to check in and see how things are going and lend moral support (and maybe steal some recipes). Starting with CaJohn Boy he asks what the heck the liquid nitrogen is for, and John says he’s thinking about making a horseradish sorbet tableside. Gee, that sounds… gross. And tooth-shattering. Daddy Tom lets out with an uncharacteristic giggle and asks if he’s ever done that before, and CaJohn laughs and insists he has…

…”You are so full of shit!”…

Over at NoNita Mann’s station, Daddy Tom wants to know more about her illusions, and she says her faux-scallop is actually going to be filled with cold beef tartare. Aaaaaaargh, when is anybody going to actually cook some beef on this show??!?!? At any rate, she’s also going to attempt to make some kind of seascape with Rice Krispies underneath the scallop that will hopefully make some of their patented snap, crackle, pop sounds. This brings forth another weird giggle from Daddy Tom.

To El Shalito he just jokes that Dougie making a spectacle of himself should be nothing new and they chuckle together. Marky Doody confesses that when he watches the apprentices on the regular show he’s often thinking “Come onnnnnn, how hard could that be?” but now that he’s on the other side of the coin he’s sweating. Throughout all of this Daddy Tom has been smiling and laughing and giggling like a nervous schoolgirl and I think I’ve finally figured out why…

…He stoled some of Scar’s stash!…

Ha, no actually I suspect that perhaps Daddy Tom is a little nervous because these are real professional chefs and colleagues who are every bit as talented and accomplished as he is, he can’t exactly pull the stern, superior attitude that he normally hands out to the regular cheftestants. At least not without being in danger of having a wire whisk shoved up his ass in return… NoNita Mann don’t play.

Oh, and it gets even better. To us, Daddy Tom says the Master Chefs immediately figured out something that the regular cheftestants almost never do… “They didn’t get bogged down in the word, they didn’t get bogged down in the challenge… they know that through cooking you can pretty much tell any story.” He also says he’s a little frustrated knowing that because he’s not a judge on this show he doesn’t get to eat their wonderful food. We’ll see if he’s so jealous after El Shalito reveals his icy-flaming “wow” dish or CaJohn Boy serves his glacial sorbet.

Marky Doody says that cooking against time constraints makes it extremely tense in the kitchen, and that it feels like an early James Bond movie, “The clock is ticking and the laser is creeping up the table towards your crotch…”

…The Top Chef Masters Experienceâ„¢…

El Shalito’s finally ready to let us in on some of his wow-factor dish. He’s planning on serving a soup inside a flaming coconut. Wow. That sounds incredibly… dangerous. Because they don’t happen to have any Bacardi 151 in the pantry, he’s decided to go ahead and slather the outsides of his coconuts instead with bright neon-pink Sterno gel. NoNita Mann tells us she’s just as nervous about this idea as I am…

…somehow I think this has less chance of a “wow” reaction and more chance of a “trip to the burn unit”…

The next day they all head over to the Magic Castle, which is an L.A. landmark, but Marky Doody (and I) have never been inside because it’s a private club and you have to be invited. Once they enter they are confronted by a closed door guarded by a tacky owl with flashing-red LED eyes that they have to say a magic word to in order to gain entry to the rest of the building. The word turns out to be “Open Sesame” (I guess because that’s the most food-related of magic words, but it would have been a lot more fun if it had been The Amazing Mumford’s “Alla peanut butter sandwiches!”)

After winding their way through confusing corridors filled with creepy artwork that NoNita describes as feeling “like Hogwarts” they arrive at the kitchen and start their one hour cooking time before service. NoNita knows her steak tartare tastes great, but she’s having some issues with her plating as she realizes the bowl holding her faux-scallop is so large it covers most of her little seascapes. D’oh!…

…she shoulda just served it over a bed of those rainbow goldfish crackers…

Tonight’s guests are being seated in the “Danté Room” and Neil Patrick Harris comments on how “swanky” it is. OMG, Gail’s there, too! In yet another ill-fitting blouse! So is Gramma Greene, NerdMosexual and Bok Choi… but FugTaser is nowhere to be seen! I guess Gail is replacing him for this episode, and the collective eyes of our nation are grateful for the respite, I’m sure.

Finally, the time has come for dinner service, and Marky Doody is the first up to present everyone with his en papillote dish…

…which looks like a bunch of giant paper testicles…

Once Marky arrives in the Danté Room, Bok Choi makes with the introductions of…

…the HBIC (Head Bottom In Charge)…

…as well as…

…Dave, his wife…

I feel like I should mention that I found it very odd that Bok Choi did not acknowledge Neily-O’hara and David as being hubbies (and they are conspicuously not sitting anywhere near each other)… as pro-gay as Bravo is as a network, that was kind of a weird omission, but whatever, maybe they were having a tiff. OMG, the next dining guest is Barton Fink!…

…my bad, it’s Max from Saved By The Bell…

And of course, we all remember the other Max…

Now that 40 minutes worth of introductions have passed and his dish is stone-cold, Marky Doody finally gets to tell them about it…

…that was trés intelligent of him to add a shot of booze…

The boogery-looking stuff is a condiment of scallion oil and the shot is Dassai sake. After Marky leaves, the diners all begin to try and tear into their nut-bags, some of them being more successful than others. Bok Choi exclaims “It’s like a present!” but Barton Fink complains that it’s taking too long to get to the food. Neily-O’hara says the flavor of the fish is “delicate” while NerdMosexual’s enjoying the green sauce’s “bitter finish”…

…and if anyone knows bitter finishes, it’s NerdMo…

Next up in CaJohn Boy’s dish, but before he explains what his “surprise” is, he asks for Neily-O’hara to don a pair of protective gloves and be his assistant while he makes his crème fraîche and horseradish sorbet. As he starts to pour the liquid nitrogen into the bowl that Neily’s gingerly holding onto, I notice Gail gets a really concerned look on her face, especially since Neily’s holding the bowl really near his crotch…

…I would have thought that David would have been the one with the concerned look on his face at this point, but maybe they really were having a fight and he didn’t care whether Neily froze his dick off or not…

At this point Neily-O’hara starts whining that he’s nervous, “I can’t feel my fingers… it’s freezing cold!” C’mon, butch it up Actor-Man! Think of this as another acting adventure! Plus, if you can, you know, take it up the ass, then a wittle chiww on your wittle fingertippiepoos should be no pwobwem. Just seconds before Neil’s hands fall off, CaJohn Boy takes the bowl back from him (bare-handed, I might add) and begins to serve the sorbet to the guests at the table while he explains the rest of the dish…

…Surprise! There’s no booze! Just boo. …

Gail loves the pure cauliflower flavor in the blini, but Neily-O’hara’s still bitching about the freezing cold sorbet, saying it wasn’t at all what he was expecting, “I don’t think it was executed as he had probably imagined it would!” Bok Choi earns a little love from me when she quickly points out that he helped the chef make it. David disagrees, saying he’s loving the dish and all of the surprises that are popping up in it (and now I’m pretty sure they were fighting that day). Gramma Gael speaks up for the first time saying she loves how CaJohn Boy enjoyed playing the magician. That doesn’t have fuckall to do with the dish, but everybody knows that Grammas like a good show.

NoNita Mann’s next out of the gate to present them with her “illusion” dish…

…hundred bucks says that bowl is wobbly…

Everyone is super-impressed by her illusion of a scallop, and NoNita even included a little shellfish broth to give them the “smell of the sea”. As he cuts into his faux-scallop Barton Fink says the dish reminds him of the famous “sawing the lady in half” trick, but gone horribly wrong. Ha ha ha. I don’t remember, was he always this blindingly funny on SBTB? Maxi-Pad thinks she nailed the “illusion” part, but David complains that he’s not fond of the taste of the dish, especially the daikon. Neily-O’hara disagrees and says it’s his favorite dish so far. Make no mistake, there will be bitter masturbation at Casa Harris-Burtka this evening.

Back in the kitchen, Marky Doody, CaJohn Boy and NoNita Mann are all watching nervously as El Shalito’s going around to his pink-smeared Sternoconut bowls and lighting them on fire. Marky flat-out tells him that he’s making them nervous, and reminds him that the Sterno-gel ain’t gonna burn out that fast. El Shalito’s concerned as well and considers pulling that part off the dish entirely, but realizes if he does that it will create a big hole on his giant plate, so he leaves it on, but tells the servers to warn the diners that their meal is burning.

When El Shalito arrives at the dining room the first thing he does is exclaim (in a voice dripping with you-gave-me-a-bad-review-and-I-hate-you-forever-you-dried-up-old-bitch-sarcasm) “Ohhh, Gael Greene! How are you?” Gramma’s not fooled as she immediately fires back “Good to see you. Was this supposed to be flaming?” Bwahahahahahaha! All El Shalito can do is lamely answer “Yeah, there’s a little flame action going on there.”

Here’s the rest of the dish…

…and the only booze on this plate is the Sterno, which is merriliy burning away…

He says it’s supposed to be a play on fire and ice and then leaves. NerdMosexual immediately raises his hand and asks who has their cell phone handy to call 911 because Barton Fink’s is really on fire…

…okay, maybe not this bad…

I have to think that the strong smell that accompanies Sterno would overpower some of the duck, but nobody mentions that. Maxi-Pad thinks it’s an impressive spread even without the flames, but Neily-O’Hara has to make sure to say he saw where it was going but that it wasn’t executed well. I guess I should cut him a break, if anybody knows about flames, it’s him. Barton Fink jumps back in to say the duck is “shocking” to him because he uses a duck in his act, and he won’t be able to look him in the eye ever again! Everybody fake laughs uproariously…

…except Gramma Greene, who knows damn well that shit wasn’t funny…

Bok Choi gives the diners their star-cards (I’m sure that Neily-O’hara and David’s will cancel each other out) and the critics head back to the TCM Kitchen for judging. Ah, but before they leave, they are treated to a private magic show put on by none other than Jesus…

…maybe He’ll do that loaves and fishes thing again…

No, actually Jesus says he’s going to do a Japanese magic trick, grabs his long, luxurious hair up into a topknot and starts squeezing it until this happens…

…Most. Disgusting. Trick. Ever. …

That was mean, Jesus! You shouldn’t keep animals all cooped up in your ratty hair, and I hope you got a neckfull of bunnyshit for your troubles. Even better still, he gives the bunny to Bok Choi so she can hold and pet it, and it immediately pees on her. Yay for the happy bunny!…

Back at the Critic’s Table, the Masters file in and wait for the bitching to begin. In case they have all gotten blotto in the Top Chef Masters Holding Area (a.k.a. The Booze Bin) and forgot everything that just happened in the last hour, Bok Choi reminds them they just cooked for Neil Patrick Harris and his boyfriends, and that the critics have a few questions.

Starting with CaJohn Boy, Gail repeats that she loved his cauliflower blini, and it certainly surprised her with how “head-freezingly cold” it was when it hit her mouth. Gramma Greene says it was too cold and “not quite pleasant” (i.e., it prolly cracked her upper plate). NerdMosexual wants to know if he thought his horseradish sorbet was successful, and CaJohn says yeah, except for that weepy little queen holding the bowl. Okay, he didn’t say that, but I bet he was thinking it. They loved his lobster tempura, though.

Moving on, Gramma tells NoNita that she thought her dish was like “a surrealistic painting” that was funny and shocking and surprising (I guess Gramma doesn’t get to see or hear Rice Krispies much these days) and Gail agrees it was kind of gruesome but in a good way, although she didn’t think the little ladle of broth fit in with anything. NerdMo’ disagrees and says he thought it helped the flavor of the daikon. Wow, I’m kinda surprised that NoNita received so much praise…

…especially since she was standing there making this face and threatening to poke their eyes out…

Next up is El Shalito, who says he wanted to cook dishes that he knew he made well, but he knows his Sternoconuts were not successful (and might have killed someone). They did like his oyster ceviche, but that’s probably because it was the furthest thing away from the burning coconuts and did not take on any of that distinctive Sterno flavor.

Last up is Marky Doody, and Gramma Gael says she enjoyed the fact that their ballsackish meal was a “mystery” until they opened it. NerdMosexual says this was kind of a departure from his normal Mediterranean style of cooking, and dear God, I never really noticed how absolutely hideous that food looked when they finally got it opened up…

…like the inside of a colostomy bag…

Gail mentions that the sake was the perfect contrast to everything in the bag, but I’d say mostly for it’s disinfectant properties, and because Gail probably likes to drink a lot. It would explain the way she dresses. Anyhow, here’s the results of the viewer’s poll…

…Sorry, Kansas! I guess nobody likes your food!…

After some private chatting/bitching (and to let the Masters get a little more hammered) they call everyone together for the results. Starting with CaJohn Boy and his pitiful half a star, Bok Choi says the diners gave him 2½ stars, while NerdMo’, Gramma and Gail all give him 3 stars each, bringing him up to 12 whole stars. Ouch. Marky Doody, on the other hand, received 4 stars from the diners, 4½ stars from Gramma, 4 from Gail and only 3½ stars from NerdMosexual giving him 18½ stars total…

…this would be the part where CaJohn Boy starts making Dumbo jokes…

Nah, even though he has set a new series low score, CaJohn Boy’s cool and professional, hugs everybody and heads back to get another shot of booze. Next up is El Shalito, who received 3 stars from the diners. Gramma Greene takes a moment to let him know “Your ‘spectacle’ fizzled!” before she and Gail give him only 2½ stars. NerdMo takes it a step further down and gives him only 2 stars, giving him the second-lowest series total with 13 stars…

…daaaaamn, how depressing is it when you can’t even win a contest of suckiness?!?…

Marky Doody’s starting to get some hope he might win this thing and beat the East Coast Menace embodied by the inscrutable NoNita Mann. It turns out her diners score was 4½ stars, plus 4 stars from NerdMo’ and 4½ stars from both Gramma and Gail, giving her 22½, which ties her with Rick BayLeafs for the series high score…

…and she’s just as overjoyed as SnoozAnne was a couple of weeks ago…

Seriously, what is it with the Master Ladies?!? She barely mutters a couple of “Thank you”s before half-heartedly hugging Marky Doody. Oh well, I guess the Champions Round is shaping up to be a Battle Of The Sexes…

…it certainly won’t be a personality contest…

At any rate, NoNIta’s won $10,000.00 for her charity SHARE which helps women with breast and ovarian cancer, which is great, although you’d never know from NoNIta’s lackluster reaction. She insists she’s really happy about winning the cash for her charity, but says part of her is “mortified” that she has to do this all over again. Way to get excited, there.

Marky Doody says this has made him appreciate the talents of other chefs a lot more, and El Shalito says he had fun almost burning down a historic landmark in L.A. CaJohn Boy says he’d be liking it better if he had won (fat chance of that) but in the end he’s happy he got to make some new friends, and with that they’re outie.

And there we are for this week! What did you think of this episode? Are you hoping Gail Simmons stays on as a permanent judge and Jeffrey FugTaser stays gone? Wasn’t Neil Patrick Harris kind of bitchy? And do you all agree that Jesus’ magic trick was just plain gross? Thanks again as always for your comments, it has a lot to do with why I’m still willing to stay up until the break of dawn to write these things. We’ll see you next week!

love, J-Mo