Top Chef Masters: Caviar Wishes And Velveeta Dreams

Greetings gastrophiles! People who know me in real life know that I love to throw parties and play fun music and have fabulous food that I usually force my BF to cook and serve. He loves it, too. You must ignore him if he tells you differently. As for me, I pretty much stick to making my famous “Easy Cheez On Ritz Crackers” hors d’Å“uvres (which are a lot harder than they sound… it takes an extremely delicate and talented hand to make a passable smiley-face in aerosol cheese on a teeny Ritz Cracker and not have it turn out looking like it just had a stroke). Beyond that, I pretty much stick to opening bags of Doritos and making sure everyone gets drunk. Tonight, we’re going to get a little bit of both junk food and hors d’Å“uvres…

…and far too much of this pucker-lipped pussy-faced prick…

…Poor Jenni’s looking more and more Baby Jane Hudson-ed out of her gourd every time I see her. At any rate, on tonight’s fifth installment of Top Chef Masters the chefs will be once again insulted by being asked to touch Twinkies, a new low is achieved in the Quickfire Challenge, and FugTaser’s back from having his moles removed waxed and buffed. There’s a lot to cover tonight, so let’s go ahead and jump right on in, K?…Things are going to start right off on a crazy note as we meet our first Master by the name of Rick Moonen. He’s the executive chef and owner of Rick Moonen’s RM Seafood in Mandalay Bay in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada. Gramma Greene tells us that the Reverend Moon here has taken three NYC restaurants (Oceana, Molyvos, and RM Seafood) to 3-star status. He says he was a hyperactive child with that all-too-familiar kids’ syndrome known as A.D.D. (Annoying Dramaqueen Disorder) and that his mother would “drag him” into the kitchen and they would just “cook away” (while she had a nip or twelve of some cheap chardonnay to calm her frayed nerves). I think that is highly commendable and that more parents with A.D.D.-afflicted children should follow her lead and put those little brats to work making dinner…

…see how child-labor can have a positive outcome? Your kid could wind up on TV!…

Daddy Tom pops in only for a moment (and again, couldn’t be bothered to wash or shave, I guess he finds that “Day-Three-Of-My-Nine-Day-Booze-Bender-Look” to be acceptable for TV) and says that Reverend Moon is primarily known as a seafood chef and is very dedicated to conservation issues like sustainable fishing and saving twist-ties and rubber-bands in a great big ball in the basement. Rick weirdly reminds me of my Great-Grandma Emma who lived in central Illinois and would whop you with a dishtowel if you tried to enter her kitchen without permission…

…”And stay outta my cookie jar, ya little snots!”…

The resemblance is eerie. Anyhow, Moonie’s both excited and nervous about the competition, and he brought his big bottle of Adderall XR with him, so he’s all set to jitter apart like a badly-made toy when the pressure hits. I can’t wait!

Next one in the kitchen is Nils Norén, who makes sure to tell us right away that he’s the VP of Culinary Arts at The French Culinary Institute in NYC, “Which bessically minss I’m the head chef!”…

…”Und yuoo’re-a not!”…

He kinda makes it sound like he’s runnin’ thangs over there at the Institute, which is close but not quite true, because that’s where Le Jacques Pépin is employed (you may remember him as a guest judge on several seasons of TC) so normally I would skewer this guy for kinda coming off as a bit of a dildo, but I’m actually going to go a little easy on Nilsy here (at least to start with) because, you see, he is from Stockholm, Sweden… and Swedish chefs have never been able to live down the one very damaging member of their ranks…

…”Zee meetbools ere-a ferry testy tuneet!”…

Daddy Tom says Nilsy Bork Bork here was Executive Chef under Marcus Samuelsson at Aquavit in NYC, which looks like a really nice restaurant that doesn’t serve bouncy meatballs. Nilsy says he originally wanted to be a mussician but that “Haffing a reggae-a band inn Sveden diden worrk out-a so well!” Well, yah, for sheeur, Ace Of Base kinda ruined the reggae thing for all mussicians from Sweden.

FugTaser’s back (*shudder*) to say Bork Bork is every bit “The Swedish Chef” only he doesn’t mean it in a Muppet kind of way, he means that Nilsy’s very cool and calm and collected in the kitchen but still comes up with some “very, very interesting, very big flavors!” Remember that statement, it will come back to haunt him.

It’s time to meet tonight’s Young Turk of the Masters, his name is Lachlan M. Patterson (which sounds straight out of a Harlequin Romance Novelâ„¢) and he’s the chef and co-founder of Frasca Food & Wine in Boulder, Colorado. He’s won the James Beard Award as well as the Food & Wine Best New Chef Award… which is probably why he kissed their ass by adding their name to his restaurant’s…

…although, that’s probably a better idea than going the Rev. Moon’s route of using initials and calling his place “LMP”…

I’m frantically smearing Vaseline on my TV screen in an effort to stave off explosive nausea as FugTaser tells us that Lumpy here did part of his culinary training under Thomas Keller, who many people consider to be the best chef in America (I disagree, I think that title falls to whoever thought up those Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Le Red Lobster). For this reason, Fuggy believes that LachLump has some very serious culinary skills, even though he’s barely out of fetushood. I have to agree that he seems a little babyish, cuz the first thing he does in the kitchen is whine to the other Masters about how far away his station is from the stoves. Somebody needs their binky (and a nap)!

Oh dear God, the last “Master” to join the fold tonight is a TV personality from Bravo’s rival food network (The Food Network) and one of my least-favorite people on that channel… fuckin’ Michael Chiarello…

…”And today on “Michael Chiarello Is Far Richer Than You” we will be learning just how much more your pitiful little life sucks because you don’t live in (and practically own) Napa Valley!”…

I cannot stand this guy’s insincere grin, it just reeks of TV plasticky fakeness to me, although he introduces himself not as a Food Network star, but as “Michael Chiarello from the Napa Valley!” Prick. He owns Bottega Restaurant in (where else?)… the Napa Valley. How’s this for a dickish description of his own restaurant?: “Bottega’s a workshop, a studio where one might go to perfect their craft.” What, the craft of being a Smirky McSmugMug Snob? No, thanks.

Smirky says that he knew he wanted to be a chef and own a restaurant since he was in 3rd grade (oh, I am so sure, we were barely out of the Eating-Elmer’s-Paste-Phase in 3rd grade) and he insists it was all he ever wanted to do… “But then I took a break.” Yes, a break to make a buttload more money on TV and annoy millions of people and boost an already mammoth ego…

…yeah, well, “ffff” right back atcha, Mikey…

Weirdly enough, the reception he gets from the other Masters seems a tad on the chilly side. He makes a lame joke about Reverend Moon being dressed all in black, “You’re like the Johnny Cash of cooking!” and barely gets a half-hearted chuckle in return, while Bork Bork barely glances up. FugTaser comes on to say that since Smirky left the restaurant business for the land of TV chefs he may feel he has more to prove than the others. I say he needs to prove he’s not a total shitdick, first.

Ahhh, here comes Bok Choi and she’s wearing a Bedazzled Tank Top designed knock-off by MexiJay Stank Productionsâ„¢…

…and how lovely to appear on a cooking show looking like you vomited sequins…

Scar would never wear shit like that. Anyhow, after welcoming them to the Top Chef Masters Evil Ovens Kitchenâ„¢, she explains that today’s “classic Quickfire Challenge” will involve “a type of cuisine that is one of America’s most popular!” and then beckons for a pair of fake waiters to wheel out a table that contains the equivalent of Fat Boy Wet Dreams and Fat Girl Oral Orgasms…

…I could sexually assault that table not feel the slightest bit ashamed…

Of course, at the sight of all this terrible poor-people’s food, Smirky is the first to let out a loud lament, “Aw, come onnnnn! You’re killin’ me!” See, he’s too good for Doritos and Easy Cheese, which puts him on the same plane as Satan, and guarantees he will never be invited to my house in Non-Napa-Valley. Anyhow, the Masters will have to use junk food as their inspiration to create a fine dining dish, and Bokky reminds us that in TC Season One Harold Dieterle won with a bizarre popcorn ceviche dish, which doesn’t seem like it reinvented microwave popcorn as much as it used it for decoration, but whatever.

In order to determine the order they’ll choose junk food items, the Masters choose knives. Smirky draws first and gets #1, which prompts him to douchily crow “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” Yes, Mikey, you are so awesome that you just bent the Laws Of Probability to your will. Asshat. LachLump gets #2, Bork Bork #4 and Reverend Moon #3. Smirky approaches the table full of what he snobbishly calls “culinary aliens” and says that at first he’s trying to figure out, “What the hell is that thing!”…

…Oh come on. It’s (what I wish was) Smirky’s penis, breaded, deep-fried, stuck on a stick and slathered with mustard. Duh. …

What a jackass. I love how all these high-brow chefs know 387 ways to prepare salmon using obscure French techniques and spit foam and then claim to not be able to recognize a corn dog. Anyhow, Smirky chooses fish sticks and Lumpy chooses hot dogs. Poor Reverend Moon, those were his top two choices so he reluctantly goes with the Deep-Fried Smirky Dick corn dogs. Bork Bork thinks for a moment and then happily chooses the fried shrimp, “Yoo cun’t goo vrung veet thet, right?”

Bok Choi says that tasting and judging their food today with be some “junk food lovers with very strong opinions!” and they reveal….

…an even bigger and snottier asshole than Smirky!…

I have to be honest, I don’t care much for Jeff Lewis or his show. I think his whole claim of having obsessive-compulsive-disorder is a bunch of bullshit smokescreen that he uses to try and legitimize the fact that he’s really just an extremely persnickety rich-bitch queen who wants what he wants when he wants it… and throws tantrums like a tired 3 year old toddler when he doesn’t get it. I am somehow cursed that he shows up on just about every damned show I recap on Bravo (he showed up twice during the last season of Top Design!) and I couldn’t quite figure out what the fuck he was doing appearing as a judge on this show. And it’s not just him and Jenni, but his entire cast crew!…

…I see he has a new potential sexual-harassment victim…

And gee, do you think that high-powered and so-called “real estate agent” of his has plenty of time on her hands to do reality TV these days? Anyhow, Bok Choi says that you will see these four snarfing down plenty of junk food all over the place on “Flipping Out” and that Jeff considers himself to be Howard Hughes a “junk food expert”. Get thee behind me, Satan… I already have my M.D.T.T. (Masters in Drive-Thru Technique), thankyouverymuch.

Smirky’s not liking this development at all… “When you see that guy from ‘Flipping Out’, it’s enough having a critic judging your food… but having someone who doesn’t know food being a critic is even tougher!” Wah wah wah. Shut up and cook. Bok-Choi says you have 45 minutes. Go.

Lumpy says he’s feeling pretty good about having chosen the hot dog for his inspiration and wants to make a great homemade sausage, but wonders if 45 minutes is enough time to do it in. However, rather than just producing a sausage on a bun, he’s going to turn it into a tomato-prosciutto stew with his lumpy kielbasa and that may elevate it to “fine dining”. Or it’ll look like a used toilet bowl. That oughtta be fun for Jeff Lewis.

Reverend Moon’s decided he’s going to make a seafood hotdog called “Shrimp Moon Doggy” which will be put on a stick and fried in corn meal batter and served with some Asian slaw. Moonie says he’s getting a huge amount of satisfaction out of being in the kitchen and having a zillion things going on simultaneously, “I’m like vibrating, I can’t sit still for ten seconds.” Sounds like somebody missed their 3 o’clock dosage of meds!…

…or he’s just struggling to be seen behind that fucking quarter-screen Bravo ad…

Wow, I’d say it’s kind of a dead giveaway that Bravo’s realized The Fashion Show sucks when they have to keep making the ads for it larger and larger to try and fool us all into thinking that it’s an important piece of design programming. Anyhow, Bork Bork’s happy with his fried shrimp choice because he really likes to cook with seafood, which seems odd for someone from a Scandahoovian country with 2000 miles of seaside coastline. Dooh!

He’s making a poached shrimp with pickled cherry tomatoes and a sauce made out of lobster stock “veet all zee ingridientses oof terter sauce-a!” To make it a bit lighter, instead of frying the shrimp, he’s just going to fry a few small croutons. Bork Bork’s afraid he might be making this dish a little too refined for the palates of Jeff Loony & Co. He might have a point there, I think Cheetos are too refined for that bunch of weirdos.

What has Smirky been up to all this time (besides being awesome)? Well, instead of just shutting up and making his dish, he’s actually holding forth for the other chefs, and giving a demonstration (like he’s doing one of his TV shows) and telling them “In Italian cooking we’re all about takin’ all the bits’n'pieces of the fish and turnin’ them into somethin’ a li’l more interesting, we call ‘em polpatini… You might know ‘em as meatballs!”…

…yup, there’s definitely some kind of balls on my TV screen…

Reverend Moon just gives him a loopy grin in return and goes back to his 42 plates spinning in the air. Smirky’s super-impressed with himself that he’s taking something that “everybody understands” (like meatballs) and is going to present it in a way that they “couldn’t imagine”…

…Um, sorry, but I can already imagine great green gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts…

Meanwhile, Bok Choi’s sitting with the “Flipping Off Out” cast and asking Jeff Loopy if he really eats that much junk food. Gesturing to his boy-toy Ryan, Jeffy loftily opines that they lead a “very fast-paced lifestyle… I don’t have time to sit in a restaurant!” Nice try, but no sale, Jeffy-poo… the real estate market being what it is these days, I think he’d have enough time to rearrange all the furniture in the restaurant. Glaring Looking at his cowering minions adoring employees Jeff turns back to Bok Choi and proudly says “We’re White Trash with money!”…

…sorry, but this is White Trash with money…

You’re just plain Trash With Money, Jeff. And stop trying to besmirch the good Clampett name, asshole! Anyhow, enough of that bullshit and desperate attempts to seem relevant to today’s show, let’s see what’s going on back in the kitchen. Why it looks like Reverend Moon is realizing with only 5 minutes left that he has too many components to his dish! He’s ditching the Asian slaw and is just going to serve his corn-dogs and some sauce. Oh, look! LachLump is also running into time-issues, he’s afraid his sausage isn’t going to properly cook in time…

…He also uses sign-language to tell us what he really thinks about Smirky…

Bork Bork’s smugly telling us that Swedes in general are very punctual people. He may have a point there, I never ever heard anyone complain about ABBA being late anywhere. I guess that’s his way of nanny-boo-booing the others (like Reverend Moon) who are starting to go apeshit. Moonie realizes that he’s not going to finish at all and when Bok Choi comes back and yells “Utensils down!” he never even got his corn dogs out of the fryer basket!…

…Unfortunately, this is a clear example of when A.D.D. is not always productive…

Wow, this is a first for a Master! How embarrassing! I wonder what the slow pan and scan shot of his dish is going to look like. Oh, and at the commercial break the exact reason why Jeff Lewis is appearing on tonight’s show becomes Swarovski crystal clear…

…Be extra nice to Flipit or you could wind up having to recap this show…

And we’re back, where Reverend Moon is still feeling horrible that he didn’t finish and worries that he might just be sent home. For sure he knows he’s in for a pretty severe ass-fucking (Jeff Lewis’ only chance to be a top doesn’t come along often, you bet he’s going to take full advantage of it!).

However, first up is LachLump’s version of hot dogs…

…I dunno, I feel like my toilet-bowl analogy wasn’t so far off…

Jeffy says the sausage seems a little rare, and I’ve never wished for anyone to get salmonella before in my life (until now). Boy-Toy Ryan pipes up that everything about the soup is great but “the meat is the weird part of it”. Thanks for that very literate criticism, Ry-Ry. Sounds like he’s learned his Snooty-Queenese pretty well, though.

Next up is Smirky’s take on fish sticks…

…I’ll avoid the obvious joke about what “Fisherman’s Sauce” is made of…

Jenni says anything fried excites her. Well that explains why she keeps working for the cancerously-tanned boogerpuss sitting next to her. Boy-Toy says he was most looking forward to eating this one because he hasn’t had fish-sticks since his childhood… which for him would mean since last week. Jeffy-poo says this one is his favorite so far, and Jeni pipes up that she likes the color and the “three perfect balls” which makes Jeff giggle like a fourth-grader…

…*snort*… “She said ‘balls’!”…

I feel a little sorry for Bok Choi having to sit through these people. Anyhow, next up is Bork Bork’s remix on fried shrimp…

…I feel like it’s staring at me…

Jeffy says it’s really pretty, and Boy-Toy pouts bitchily that he doesn’t see the “fried” part in it. I think he’s also upset that there’s no placemat to color in and do fun mazes on. Unemployed Realtor Lady says it tastes boiled, not fried, and Jenni says she likes the fried crouton (because it excites her). Then she says “balls” a few more times and giggles. Jeff jumps back in to say he finds it “a little plain without the tomato” and I don’t have a clue what the fuck he means by that. The tomato was there (and geometrically aligned!) so what was the problem? Oh, I get it… Jeff is never happy with anything, and he’s been lucky enough to make a career out of that.

Bok Choi apologizes as the waiters clear the plates and tells them that the unforgivable has occurred with Reverend Moon’s dish…

…well, at least it’s not fattening…

Immediately (and on cue) Jeffy-poo has a hissy-fit, squealing that if he had known that he would have had seconds of Smirky’s dish because he’s so hunnnngwyyyyy! “Didn’t he have 45 minutes?!? We got ripped off!” and I hate to say this, but he’s got a valid point. Not about the being “ripped off” thing, but about the length of time they were given thing. Reverend Moon is listening in the kitchen and is pissed that Jeff is complaining, “I’d like to see him come into the kitchen and create a corn dog in 45 minutes!” Weirdly, i think even Jeffy-poo could handle shoving a stick in a hot dog, dipping it in cornmeal batter and deep-frying it.

Moonie’s trying justify his fuckup to the other Masters, saying it took him 15 minutes alone to get all his ingredients pulled together, and now the other chefs are grilling him on exactly what else he was planning to do. Smirky comes on to say he feels bad for Reverend Moon, but then smirks and laughs, “But frankly, with him out of the picture I got at least a 30% better chance of winning!”…

…Is Bravo starting a new show called “The Real Assholes Of Napa Valley”?…

I just want to take a moment to examine that statement. Let’s assume that with 4 equally talented chefs everyone starts with a 25% chance to win. Remove one, and that means those chances go up to 33%, which is only an 8% increase. If Smirky thinks his chances just jumped up by 30%, then that means that he clearly considers himself to be far more talented than everyone else, and furthermore is probably not even considering one of the other chefs in his equations at all. Even worse, Smirky attempts to fake-compliment Reverend Moon to his face, saying “I dunno about you guys, but I’m glad you didn’t finish that, it sounds rockin’!” Poor Moonie just hangs his head because he know this jerk is totally patronizing him.

Oh well, too late now, here comes Bokky with their scores, which turned out exactly as I hoped they wouldn’t…

…damnitall!…

Of course Smirky feels even more awesome that he won this round (although I would like to point out he did not receive a perfect 5-star score like some others have) and thinks this guarantees him a win in the Elimination Challenge.

Speaking of which, Bok Choi lets them know that the Challenge will be to cook a 3-course meal by themselves… for 100 people! Of course Smirky acts like it’s no big deal, but the other three are trying to calculate in their heads how they can cook enough food by themselves to feed 100 people (without resorting to taking a bump of meth). Ah, but Bokky’s still talking (and we’re still kinda ignoring her as usual) and saying that they’re throwing a party for 100 of Top Chef’s “biggest fans” and that really they only have to create three different hors d’Å“uvres, an appetizer, an entreé and a dessert.

They have 3 hours to prep that day and then an hour to set up their stations before the party on the following day. Plus, they get a thousand dollars and a full hour to shop at Whole Paycheck Market! Do you know how many bags of Doritos (and cans of dip) you could buy with $1000.00? That is, if they even sold Doritos at Whole Paycheck (which they do not, something that I enjoy complaining to them about every time I’m there).

Reverend Moon says he really wasn’t relieved at all upon hearing that the challenge was just a mini-meal, because he can’t get out of his head that he didn’t finish the Quickfire Challenge, so he’s putting a lot of pressure on himself to make his meal stand out…

…and no, those are not Chips Ahoyâ„¢ in the lower left-hand corner!…

Moonie explains that “brandade” (rhymes with “grand-DAD”) is a “classic dish” made with potatoes, salt cod, garlic and cream. Sounds like a great recipe… for bad breath.

LachLump says before he even set foot in the market that he knew he wanted to make this…

…A great big Piña Colada??!?…

No, the pineapple is going to be deep-fried and wrapped with speck (Lumpy pronounces it “shhhpeck”) which I did not know was a kind of salt-cured ham. Deep fried pineapple? Sounds as good as sausage ice cream to me.

Bork Bork says he wants to show that he’s from Sweden so he’s making a salmon dish…

…wait a minute, no meatballs?…

Clearly he ignored Smirky’s instructional seminar earlier in the day during the Quickfire in which he demystified the meatball. Actually, I think Bork Bork’s menu sounds pretty good… right up until the point where he says he’s going to flavor his dessert’s whipped cream with smoked lapsang tea. Smoked tea whipped cream? There’s that whole “lobster pop-tarts with pureéd pea frosting” thing again (i.e., it sounds like instant blurk). Bork Bork defends this choice saying “Groweeng up in-a Sveden ve-a doo smooke-a a loot ooff theengs, so pooteeng tea und smooke-a tugezzer is joost a goood theeng!” Oooooo-keyyyy Mr. Smorgasbord!

Here’s Smirky, who just can’t stop pretending that this is really his old Food Network show as he continues to hold forth on his awesomeness, “I always start with ingredients and work back to the dishes.”…

…and here I thought he just started with irritating people and then worked back to douchiness…

He says his second course is going to be a “pissed-off prawn”. So he’ll be cooking with urine? Mmmm, that sounds rather acidic. He’s calling his dessert “Crazy Strawberries” and plans to serve said insane berries with a goat-milk and basil gelato, which looks awfully Exorcist-like. He’s convinced the fact that nobody has ever had basil in a gelato will make him memorable. I think the word he’s looking for is really “infamous”.

Speaking of infamous, the Cranky Top Chef Appliancesâ„¢ have struck again, as Smirky’s just now noticing that his gelato has been in the Evil Ice-Cream Maker (patent pending) for 20 minutes and is not even close to freezing, instead it has begun an internal civil war and is now separating. Bwahahahahaha! Serves you right for being such an all-out dick, Smirky! With time running out he just dumps the green glop in a bowl and sticks it in the freezer. But reminds us (in case we forgot what happened 20 minutes ago) that he’s still the front-runner going into tomorrow…

…not for long if people have to eat dripping blobs of mucous…

Also, in case we forgot who tonight’s true guest star is, here’s the viewer poll…

…I’m voting for 3. Being Jeff Lewis…

Anyhow the next day Smirky’s still trying to figure out how to “un-frick” his gelato nightmare, and decides to “piggyback” onto LachLump’s utilization of the blast freezer, which he admits he does not know how to use (and this is extra-gratifying coming on top of the fact that the previous day he gleefully called one of Lumpy’s techniques “old school”). Dammit, Lumpy! You shoulda hung his ass out to dry like a tay inna weeind!

Bork Bork winds up being the first one to start setting up his station in the party room. Apparently the Masters have also visited Pier One to get decorations for their tables and he says he wants his to look “fun” and “inviting” so he does this to it…

…well, nothing says “fun” and “inviting” more than a big pile of twigs, sticks and dirt…

I think it looks more “flammable” than anything else. At any rate, Bork Bork finishes putting all of his stuff together early while the other three Masters are sweating trying to figure out how to fill 300 teeny plastic cups with food. Like a tootally cool-a dood-a he offers to help Reverend Moon with some last minute plating. Awww, how sweet (with smoky tea)! Moonie’s so pleased that he compliments Bork Bork on what a good man he is “no matter what they say about him in New York!” and Bork Bork giggles. Then they make out.

Okay I’m kidding, nobody wants to see that, but it brings me to an interesting question: Where have all our Gayboy Masters gone? Five episodes and not one yet? Somebody better queen out all over the kitchen next week or I’m going to post a nasty comment on Andy Cohen’s blog on BravoTv.com (which will never be posted because they review all comments before approving them, and mine tend to say “fuck” a lot).

Back to the show, time has run out and they are letting these “biggest Top Chef fans EVAH” into the room where Reverend Moon is going to greet them with a nice smile…

…and promptly ruin their appetites…

As the people begin to filter in, Smirky’s gone into full TV Personality Modeâ„¢ and starts trying to flirt with the female guests, telling one “If I had boobs a smile like yours I wouldn’t have to cook for a living!” Gee, Smirky, do you think she bought that dusty one?…

…that tongue-in-cheek is a definite “hell-to-tha-no!” in my book…

Bok Choi shows up with the Critics and comments on what a staged great party this looks like before introducing us to FugTaser, Gramma Gael and NerdMosexual again. Smirky doesn’t give a ripe fuck about NerdMo, but apparently the other two are giving him some pause as he calls FugTaser a “loose cannon” and says that Gramma’s eated food from the best chefs all over the world (and she likely won’t be swayed by his silly little smile compliments). Anyhow here’s his appetizer:

…which is graced by an unsightly erection…

They flash to various denizens of L.A. saying how much they like it and OMG there’s Sweet P from Project Runway Season 4!…

…somebody found some make-up!…

Now if only she could have found a shawl. Tats never make me feel hungry, only dirty. Gramma Greene says it would be a great salad at a regular sit-down dinner, but doesn’t work so well to eat while standing up. NerdMosexual agrees, “This is not the best context for it!” he says (graciously speaking with his mouth full, I might add!) I wonder about that, too, I thought appetizers were generally finger foods?

Moving on over to Lumpy’s station, here’s that weird-ass dish he was talking about earlier…

…why couldn’t someone have just made onion rings?…

Poor Lumpy’s having a hard time keeping up with the demand since he’s deep-frying these things right at his table, and people are eating them while they’re still sizzling with oil. FugTaser asks if pineapple in a deep-fryer is a good idea, and NerdMo thinks not, he says it loses it’s sweetness and gets overtaken by the cooking oil. Other random diners are calling the combination “odd” as well.

Reverend Moon’s finally getting to release some of his frenetic energy and serve his appetizer…

…this seems to be about sixty ingredients too many…

I love to eat brownish watery things. One of the RPS’s (Random Party Skanks) comes by to look lasciviously at the camera and say it’s just like “heaven” in her mouth. OMG, there’s another celebrity sighting at this party! I can’t believe the star power they’ve gotten for this episode!…

…IT’S HOBOSEXUAL!!! (© 2008 Flipit)…

Gosh, and he still looks exactly the same (dirty and homeless), and his only comment is “That was rilly good, girlfriend!” *snaps* Over by the real critics, NerdMo’ loves the presentation, FugTaser likes the flavor, and Gramma’s all about the texture of the avocado. Again, nobody cares what Bok Choi thinks.

Last appetizer of the night belongs to Bork Bork…

…he certainly was restrained in his portions, no?…

Guests are noticing the smoky flavor, and NerdMo’ immediately lauds the gorgeous presentation while saying Bork Bork really captured the essence of a “cocktail party appetizer” far better than the other three did. FugTaser also says he’s loving the flavors. Now it’s time for the Main Course, starting again with Smirky, who’s once again performing for the crowd and crowing about his “pissed off prawns” being “on the move”…

…I agree, they appear to have already made some kind of intestinal journey…

Another of the female guests inquires of Smirky as to why the prawns are “pissed off” and he comes back with “They’re dead.” After the groans and the crickets begin to chirp he quickly amends his answer to say that he calls them that because they’re spicy. And because saying “pissed” is naughty. Lumpy notices how much Smirky is grandstanding and is feeling kinda jealous that he doesn’t have the same douche factor showmanship.

Regarding the food, Gramma immediately insists that you would not be served food accompanied by a knife at a cocktail party. With his mouth full (again!) NerdMosexual tries to disagree, “No, that’s not true!” but Gramma’s sticking to her guns and repeats “Never! You would not have a knife at a stand-up cocktail party!” FugTaser sides with her while NerdMo’ pouts. Meanwhile, they are noticing the shrimp are very oily and greasy.

Time for the Reverend Moon’s main course, and it’s that “brandade” he was talking about earlier…

…which looks kinda like a hush puppy covered in cole-slaw…

And surrounded by baby spew. Smirky says he’s watching Moonie work and loftily asserts/gloats that “there’s nothing more than the concept of zero stars to a chef to be a massive motivator!” Oh, how I wish Reverend Moon beats him. The Critics all heartily endorse the fact that Moonie totally delivered on the promise of a brandade…

…and this random L.A.sian dickbag in a faux-hawk agrees!…

Let’s see what Lumpy’s serving up on the Main Course…

…not the prettiest dish of the night…

The Critics seem to be more in love with the salad leaf than the ribs (Gramma calls it a “great palate cleanser”) and NerdMo’ wonders if Lumpy might have been more successful if he had served this dish as his appetizer “instead of that fried thing.” Ouch.

Bork Bork’s dish seems to have turned out with an interesting look…

…almost like a plate of scary Asian candy…

NerdMosexual thinks this has the best aesthetic of any dish so far (Bok Choi tries to call out that she likes the beautiful Christmassy colors, but nobody listens… she’s not on camera when she says it and I suspect she may have hounded Bravo into adding it in post-production). When they all take a big bite of the salmon, however, all conversation stops and everyone seems to agree that it tastes wonderful. Or maybe everybody broke a tooth at the same time.

Time for the dessert course, and for some reason we’re starting off with LachLump…

…and his leaky cake?…

The crumbly stuff is white chocolate dust. Hobosexual’s back to say “Girlfriend, it reminds me of something Mom woulda made…*head-roll* *snaps*… if she had baked!” NerdMosexual’s asserting that somehow the strawberries seem to have taken on a “meat-like taste”. WTF?!?! I think he needs a blow-job very badly, he is clearly suffering from DSB (Deadly Semen Backup) and it’s adversely affecting his palate!

Back over in TV Land at Smirky’s station, he’s happy that his basil gelato went from a diarrhea consistency to a solid, and now he’s scrambling to get the dessert plated, and starts whining to us “It’s got more components than I have hands, time and/or patience to get done well!” Oh wah wah wah, maybe somebody should have thought of that when he was “working backwards from his ingredients”…

…and it still just looks like “Snot In A Cup” to me…

So what does he do in order to get his desserts finished? He schmoozes some of the female guests (natch!) into helping him complete the plating! “I’m not opposed to using every tool that I have around me. There’s a cute gal sitting in front of me that I ask ‘Hey, you wanna help me?’… Who could say no to that?” he asks winking, and I think I just heard the sound of Gloria Steinem shitting a big brick of estrogen. I call shenanigans! He should have been docked points or something for not finishing his own damned dish! One of the bystanders calls out that she thinks he’s cheating, and he replies “Hot women helping me is never cheating!” Maybe not, but it is kinda oogy and disgusting Mr. Smirky McMarriedTwice.

As for the dish itself, FugTaser says “It shouldn’t work, but it does.” while Gramma Greene laments “I don’t like lawn-cuttings in my dessert!” Somehow I suspect she practiced that line. Plus, has she never had a Jell-O salad with grated carrots suspended in it? Same thing.

The Reverend Moon’s admitting that dessert is not his strong suit, and here’s his final dish tonight…

…damn if that doesn’t sound good…

FugTaser says he’s impressed that Moonie was able to pull off plating a hundred little cups like that (all on his own, like a big boy) and NerdMo loves the creaminess of the panna cotta, which is already kinda disgusting to hear, but then FugTaser takes me over the edge when he says (while looking directly at Bok Choi) “A good panna cotta, if it’s set right, is meant to wobble like a woman’s breasts…”

…I’m sure that’s turning her on…

*sigh* You know, Scar never gets sexually harassed on this show. After he drops this little lead balloon and the silence becomes uncomfortable, FugTaser tries to cover, “I share that with you in the interest of general knowledge!” Turning to NerdMosexual, Bok Choi asks him “Is that true?” (as if NerdMo’ knows anything about women’s breasts!)…

…and no, Kelly, neither does Hobosexual…

And the last dish of the night belongs to Bork Bork…

…I like the shape of the plates themselves…

The smoked-tea cream is not going over well, one woman refuses to take a second bite, and Bok Choi actually gets to say that her first bite was massively smoky, which NerdMosexual agrees with. Sweet P appears again to say “That one was a little too smart for me!” Aww, shucks, I knew she was a Twinkies/Ding-Dongs/Ho-Hos kind-of-girl at heart!

With that, they’re finished and heading off to be judged at the Critic’s Table. Starting with Smirky, Gramma says she loved his shrimp dish but wonders if he thought there were going to be tables where people could use a knife and fork to eat the dish “I felt like I needed three hands to eat it!” she cackles. Smirky no likee this and his rebuttal is, “I left the tail on the shrimp… to Italians that’s kind of like a fork…” What?!?! Can any of you Italians out there confirm this little tidbit for me? ‘Cuz right now it smells like a lot of bullpoo…

…I think FugTaser agrees with me…

They also bring up the oily factor of his shrimp, and Smirky’s looking pissed. Lastly Gramma trots out her rehearsed “lawn cuttings” line again, but concludes that the dessert was delicious nonetheless.

Bork Bork gets all-around kudos for his appetizer, and while FugTaser and Gramma loved the silkenness of his salmon dish, NerdMo’ says he got a really intensely fishy taste on that one. Gramma calls him “Master Palate” and FugTaser calls him “Fish Boy” and NerdMo makes a face…

…this is not going to get him laid any faster…

However, they cornhole him about his smoked tea cream dessert, NerdMo’ said it had an almost “baconlike” flavor to it, and Bork Bork repeats his whole “Groweeng up in-a Sveden ve-a doo smooke-a a loot ooff theengs!” defense. Bottom line: It tasted like shit.

LachLump gets a little beat up for his deep-friend pineapple being strange and his beef ribs being unevenly seasoned, and I think it’s pretty safe to say he’s not winning anything tonight (unless he gets to take a free shot at Smirky).

On the other hand, Reverend Moon gets instant stroking for his tasty ceviche appetizer, his “perfectly cooked” brandade, and major kudos for producing 100 individual wobbling-breast-like panna cottas (without having to resort to cheap come-ons towards the female guests in order to complete them!) This feat alone causes NerdMo’ to gush that he’s in awe!…

…although clearly the whole “wobbly-breast” analogy still creeps him out a little…

Good for you, Moonie! I’m happy that he was able to pull off a successful meal after his QuickFuckup. After some more of the Critics’ kibitzing they bring the Masters back to reveal their scores!

Starting with Reverend Moon (and his zero-star lead-in) the fans (and NerdMosexual) gave him 4 stars, while Gramma and FugTaser gave him 4½ stars each, which put him at an impressive 17 stars! Next, LachLump started with 3 stars and got 3½ more from the fans, while NerdMo’ gives him 2½, FugTaser 3 and Gramma 3½ stars, bringing his total to 15½…

…Ah, poor little Lumpy!…

Bork Bork went in with 3 stars, and got 3½ more from the fans, plus 3 stars from FugTaser, 3½ from Gramma and 4 stars from NerdMo’, which puts him…

…in a tie!…

Oooh, i wonder what they’d have to do for a tie-breaker? Anyhow, last up is Smirky McSmugMug and his shrimptail forks, who had 4½ stars going in. He gets only 3½ stars from the fans (I guess the flirting wasn’t as successful as he thought it was) and NerdMosexual, while Gramma and FugTaser both gave him 4 stars, which means…

…that I am super-annoyed right now…

Dammitall! Oh well, I guess we’ll have to see Smirky again, but now I’m hoping that the corpselike chefbian NoNita Mann or maybe Le Mullet will beat him down and wipe that smarmy grin off his face…

…just try flirting with NoNita, K Smirky?…

It isn’t lost on Reverend Moon that he received the high score of 4 stars from the fans, and the others only received 3½ stars, “It’s the People’s Choice Award!” Now if only he could have finished a corn dog in 45 minutes… *sigh*

And there we are, only one more group of four Masters until the Champions round! What did you think of this episode? Was Bork Bork too intent on being a SuperSwede? Was Moonie more talented than the others? Did Smirky get on your last nerve (like he did on mine)? Thanks again as always for taking the time to share this little journey with me, and I’m off to have some Smiley-Cheesed Ritzes and then it’s beddy-bye.

love, J-Mo