Top Chef Masters: Vegans Are NOT From Vegas

Hi again, ‘Gasmii. As you may well remember, I was on vacation in Kentucky at a drag queen pageant for about a week, and one of the things that I love about taking vacations is the fact that I can eat whatever I want. Then again, I pretty much eat whatever I want when I’m at home, too, so there goes that distinction. In any case, I tried to take in some local eateries that are semi-indigenous to Kentucky and that we don’t have in Arizona, such as Betty’s OK Country Cookin’, White Castle, Cheddar’s, or this really awesome place they have there called Steak’N'Shake. (I looooove Steak’N'Shake!) The only place that I was denied eating at was a joint called Dizzy Whizz (“Home Of The WhizzBurger”) and that was because of severe thunderstorms and flooding on my last day in Louisville. I was mad because as you can probably tell…

…this is what 95% of my body is made of…

Yes, I do love me a great burger (and crispy fries) and meat in general. On tonight’s episode of Top Chef Masters we will be bouncing back and forth between the two extremes of hard-core carnivores and their gentler counterparts, the herbivores, or that wacky bunch better known as “vegetarians”. This one’s gonna be kind of a bitch, so please join me after the jump and we’ll see who gets their way in the end…That table full of burgers and fries is what greets our remaining five Masters as they enter the TCM Kitchen (and the first words out of Big Gay Art’s mouth are “Oh mah gooooodnesss, yayyyyyyy, mah kinda food!”, LOL) and Bok Choi doesn’t waste any time getting right into the Quickfire Challenge which is all about burgers.

This news doesn’t actually sit too well with Bayleafs, who says “I’ve cooked hamburgers for my family… and every time I do it I get the patties too thick or the fire too hot…”…

…”…and then I just say ‘Fuck it, let’s go out to the Dizzy Whizz for a Whizzburger.’”…

Bok Choi’s babbling that more and more the “humble burger is appearing in gourmet form” and points out that Le Mullet has an entire restaurant devoted to them. He nods, “Wee ollzo sairveeng zee mozt eggzpenseev burgair. Eet’s five souzand dollairs… and wee sell eet!” It looks like Big Gay Art’s jaw just clunked to the floor. So what does the $5,000.00 burger look like?…

…jeez, since he sells this in Vegas, shouldn’t it come with like, a hooker or something?…

Damn, I wonder how much he charges for fries! Sorry, but not on your fucking life is there a burger truly worth $5K (and if you’ve just made the guy who worked for (Bank Of) Oprah look incredulous, then perhaps you’ve priced your food just a dight out of 99.99% of America’s wallets). Plus, I dunno what those greenish-gray flaky things are supposed to be, but they look suspiciously moldy to me.

In any case, Le Mullet says this insanely awesomely expensive burger is one he calls the “FleurBurger 5000″ and insists it’s the best burger that can be made along with the best wine pairing. Because, of course, everybody pairs wine with burgers. I find that a nice 2009 Apple-Zapple goes wonderfully with my Double-Whopper-With-Cheese-And-Extra-Mayo. Le Mullet knows that he’s going to really be under the gun to produce a good burger if he wants to retain his current menu pricing…

…”Pairhaps I shoold havv keep zat teedbeet too myzailf.”…

Smirky’s feeling a severe case of culinary-penis-envy as he tries to make fun of Le Mullet for us, “Hu-bair he ees so French and he worked in more 3-star Michelin restaurants than I’ve ever eaten in… and so I have to take all of that away from him!” Wow, sounds like someone’s a tad bit jealous. He makes it sound like Le Mullet’s been going aroung bragging about all of his accomplishments in the most annoying manner possible, which could be true, but that’s not the impression I’ve gotten of Hubert so far. I suspect there’s a little bit of what they call “projection” going on. Oh, and just so we’re clear Smirky, winning Top Chef Masters wouldn’t take any of that away from him.

Okay, back to the show, Bok Choi reminds us that GiraffeMan CJ won this Quickfire in TC Season 3 with a “seafood burger” and lets the Masters know they’ll also need to come up with a side dish… oh, and the judges for today’s Quickfire?…

…have just murdered my appetite…

The Masters all giggle when they get a good look at these three, and Big Gay Art calls out “Ah smeyilled a rat… a big one!” Said rat is TC Season 4′s own Aficionado Of Stupid Hatsâ„¢, Spike “Evangelass” Mendelsohn (© 2008 LoLo). Bokky tells us that Evangelass is the owner of D.C.-area restaurant Good Stuff Eatery which she insists is “a favorite of First Lady Michelle Obama!” My guess is that would change pretty quickly if Mrs. President knew what a sneaky and conniving fuckwit Spike has the tendency to be.

The asian guy is Sang Yoon who is the owner of an L.A.-area restaurant called Father’s Office, home of the “Office Burger” and winner of Best Burger on the Today show. Sang looks like Spike smells bad, which he probably does since it appears that he picked up the nearly-nonexistent hygiene habits of his castmate Lisa “Fleasa” Fernandes.

The last judge is the one whom I find really laughable. It’s fucking Morgan Spurlock, the guy who did that movie “Super Size Me” and tried to prove that McDonald’s is murdering America by forcing us all to eat there. Soooo, let’s get this straight: this yahoo eats at Mickey-D’s for 30 days and this somehow makes him qualified to judge gourmet burgers? In that case, I need to be called the next time they need someone to judge fine Chinese cuisine, ‘cuz me and Panda Express go way back…

…thanks for your life-saving and groundbreaking work, Captain FatAss McObvious!…

Bayleafs isn’t sure what to think about this panel of 2/3rds douches, either. “I remember Spike from season four of Top Chef…” (they cut to Bayleafs telling Evangelass that his block-party food was “a universal disappointment” and Spike dickishly insisting that their team “kicked ass, to be honest”) “…this is a guy who’s really audacious in a lot of ways!” Wow, Rick is so diplomatic! I’ll have to remember to use “audacious” the next time I want to call someone a straight-up asshole.

Choi-Choi gives them one whole hour to come up with their magic burgers and mystical side-dishes and sends them scampering for the pantry. Smirky’s decided he’s going to make “hamburguese enorme” or a giant 2½ pound pattie with truffle and manchego potato chips. 2½ pounds? For each judge???…

…Perhaps he’s trying to finish the job of killing Morgan Spurlock that McD’s started…

Bayleafs is working on a rib-eye burger with a bunch of melted cheese on it and for his side dishes he’s making three different flavors of guacamole. I love guacamole myself, but three different flavors sounds like a bit much to handle all at once. As Rick’s trying to grind his rib-eye to make burger patties with, it appears his meat-machine’s blades have given up the ghost, ‘cuz nothing’s coming out. Big Gay Art comes to the rescue, offering “Here, honey, just use mine!” and gives Bayleafs his station’s grinder. Awww, see why I love him so? Spike would have just stood there and laughed prickishly. And been promptly stabbed to death.

Speaking of Big Gay Art, instead of using buns for his burgers he’s making hoe-cakes (but of course he is!) and fried green tomato chips (which I just had for the first time at the fabulously historic Doe Run Inn in Brandenburg, Kentucky!). “We awl love simple, delicious food… that’s mah secret weapon!”…

…along with his sexy smoldering come-hither stare…

Le Mullet’s really sweating the pressure to put out a good burger, so he’s putting together a beef pattie stuffed with Roquefort cheese and some Yukon Gold potatoes for his side dish. I have to admit, I lurrrve burgers that have cheese shoved inside of them. I still wouldn’t pay 5 grand for them, though.

Over in Lesbian Land, NoNita Mann is thinking outside the bun, she’s making a cheese soup and is going to put little bite-sized burger patties in it. She admits this dish is nothing that they would ever do at her restaurant Annisa. With only a couple of minutes left, however, it seems that she’s having trouble getting enough cheddar cheesy goodness into her soup. In my kitchen this would be a good time for a Pyrex bowl, a block of Velveeta and the microwave…

…this has saved my life more than once…

Smirky’s pulled his giant pattie out, and it appears that he’s making one big burger to be shared by the three judges. That makes more sense, although if it were me I’d serve each of them 2½ pounds and hope they were too full afterwards to judge the others fairly. I don’t know why Smirky has such a bug up his ass about beating Le Mullet, but he tells us again that he’s determined to come out victorious over You-Bear. I wish someone (art) would have switched his salt and sugar containers.

Bayleafs is the first burger to be brought out…

…man, I think he should have put some chips on that plate as well…

Sang Yoon grins and says “You had me at guacamole.” That’s great, I hope he likes three times as much. Whoops, he doesn’t. “The guac’s a hit, but I don’t think you need all three“. Poor Bayleafs is fuming, he looks really insulted that they aren’t perceiving the major differences in the varieties he made for them. I’m telling you, a handful of Tostitos would have been the answer. Oh well, at least Spurlick said he liked the flavor of the burger itself. Then he barfed.

Next is Big Gay Art and his Hoe-Burgers…

…He had me at the hoe-cake…

Evangelass says it’s “bursting with flavor” and Spurlick agrees, and he also admits that he’s from West Virginia (mountain mama) and so he knows him some fried green tomaters… and he likes these! Yay for Hill Folk! Spike says he wouldn’t change a thing about the dish and that it’s representative of who the chef is, which is a completely stupid thing to say considering he doesn’t have a clue who the chef is, but the comment makes a nervous-looking Artie beam a little with joy and pride.

Now it’s time for Smirky’s Big Fat Frenchbuster Burger…

…served on an overturned Fisher-Price My First Skilletâ„¢…

The Three Stooges here are quick to pick up on the fact that this one is “D.I.Y.” and Evangelass cleverly calls it an “interactive” burger. I notice that they’re being forced to eat it off the table top, because the overturned skillet and tater-chip bowl are all they’ve got. Spurlick says it’s “great” several times and the Sanger says it’s cooked perfectly. Smirky’s just drinking it all in and kicking himself for not having made “Freedom Fries”.

There are some shocked looks when NoNita’s creation is brought forth…

…is it just me, or could those “onion rings” be the Durkeeâ„¢ kind?…

Evangelass immediately asks “What happened?” and Spurlick gets all pissy, “It’s like a burger shake. It’s a WishBurger… (he holds a beat for comedic effect… wait for it) …I wish there was a burger!” Oh, Morgan. Stick to documentaries where your ass blows up like a pair of big fleshy bepimpled balloons and leave the comedy to, well, anyone else. Bok Choi wants to know what it tastes like, and Evangelass is happy to spit out “Like boiled meat.” The Sanger articulates it much better, saying that he appreciates the creativity that went into the plate, but that ultimately a burger is supposed to be “soul satisfying” and the dish just doesn’t cut it in that regard. Poor NoNita’s covering her face with her hands and wishing there were a vagina or two on today’s panel instead of the two buttholes we got.

Bringing up the rear is Le Mullet…

…C’est un joli plat de nourriture!…

The Sanger agrees with me and says the plate is visually very appealing and loves that there is Roquefort cheese in it. Spurlick, of course, claims the cheese is “overpowering” the taste of the beef, and echoing his dick-twin across the table, Evangelass opines haughtily that it’s lacking “the wow factor”…

…and if anyone knows “wow factor”, it’s a dickbag who wears plaid fifties fedoras…

Watching on the monitors, Le Mullet smiles goodnaturedly and asks the other Masters if they think they might see Spike up on the rooftop later tonight, and Bayleafs laughs and suggests they could give him a helping hand over the edge of it. I think a more fitting punishment would be to shit in his hat and make him wear it home. Gross, I know, but I feel like there’s a certain amount of twisted justice in the gesture. Plus it’d be a wow factor for sure.

On the serious side, Le Mullet is puzzled that these three made such harsh comments, he says that ordinarily people just love the burger with the Roquefort in it at his restaurant. Then again, Spurlick’s used to Big Macs and Quarter Pounders, so cheese other than American might be too much for his specially-sauced palate. And Evangelass is just a jerk with a loser’s axe to grind.

With that, Bok Choi passes out the star-cards, and thankfully that’s the last we have to see of these three. Once everyone is gathered together, she shares the results with them…

…like E.T. once said, “Ouuuuch!”…

Poor NoNita, she got totally hosed. Le Mullet tells us that nobody said a word, but they all felt terrible for her. I’m also arrrggghing over the fact that Smirky got 4 stars for a burger without a plate! At least Bayleafs tied him (which is surprising since there was so much shit-talking about his overguacamoleing the plate).

With that bit of news dispensed it’s time to move on to the Elimination Challenge. Bokky tells them they’re going to cater a luncheon for “actress/singer” Zooey Deschanel. Ahhhh, that explains the 500 commercials for that fucking “500 Days Of Summer” crapfest! Anyhow, Choi-Choi says Zooey just got back into town from touring with her band (*snort*) and wants to celebrate with family and friends. Oh, and she’s taped a special message for them…

…”I hope you guys can forgive me for ‘The Happening’ now!”…

I don’t like Miss Zooey, and I will never forgive her for “The Happening”. Or Marky Mark. Or (especially) M. Night Shyamalamadingdong. Zooey to me is nothing more than a overly-quirky brunette Meg Ryan for the Millenium…

…See?…

So what does Miss Zooboomafoo have to tell our Masters? That she’s a vegetarian! Big Gay Art looks like she just told them sucking dick causes cancer. Not only is she vegetarian, but she clarifies that along with beautiful meats and fishies, she can’t eat eggs or dairy, which makes her not just vegetarian, but vegan. Big Gay Art’s positively apoplectic by now.

As if all of this wasn’t bad enough, she mentions a few additional dietary restrictions she has, namely that she’s gluten-intolerant… and she “doesn’t eat soy”. Then she scrunches up her li’l button nose and looks off to the side all cutesy-like (as if this makes up for the absolute fistfucking she’s just delivered to them) giggles and wishes them good luck…

…someone’s no longer a fan of the Zooster!…

So their Elimination Challenge (and believe me, it is a challenge) will be to make a Vegan Lunch for ZooZoo and all her pale, pinched-looking friends. Let me just stop a moment and say that I know a thing or two about Veganism, because my BFF Erick is a member of that Tribe. I can’t tell you the complications this causes when you invite one of them to, say, Thanksgiving Dinner. Or any dinner, for that matter.

Here’s another fun thing. Zooella DeVille’s insistence that she “doesn’t eat soy” is a huge kick in the crotch to these Masters’ plans, because that tends to eliminate a buttload of options that they could have gone with (especially an Asian-influenced chef such as NoNita Mann) and that’s not going to leave them with much. The other fun thing about Vegan food is that a lot of the prepackaged items that you can buy out there are just plain frightening. Take, for example…

…you have to wonder about a food product when it’s big selling point is the fact that “it melts”…

For the record, that claim was a lie. My BFF Erick shredded the cheese-alternative and placed it on top of an Amy’s Pizza and heated it. The shards just lay there glistening like chunks of white linoleum and never “melted”. I think the closest they came was fusing to one another. I tried one and it was just like eating paste, only less tasty.

Now, all this is not to say that I don’t like Vegans, I love my BFF Erick dearly, and my BF and I gladly and happily accommodate his dietary choices when he comes to visit (and in fact, I have made a Vegan Chocolate Cake for his birthday that was actually quite delicious and would do again in a heartbeat… it’s just that sticking a candle into a Little Debbie is so much easier…)

In any case, they get 2 hours to prep and cook, and they each have to pick a different course. Big Gay Art volunteers to do the oft-dreaded dessert, which prompts Smirky to say (in a rather pissy tone) “Are you trying to go home?” Le Mullet laughs nervously, but Artie looks rather annoyed as he barks back in a deadly tone, “No, I’m trying to do something that I have kind of a clue about what I know how to do.” Yeah, so shut your yawp, Smirky!…

…what I wish would have happened right then…

It’s off to Whole Paycheck Market for another 45-minute $300.00 spree! Big Gay Art tells us that he decided to do dessert because he’s not comfortable making Vegan entreés, and he was thinking about making something with rice milk, but he doesn’t know how to make ice cream out of it. He winds up buying an organic rice-cream and says while the dish won’t necessarily reflect who he is, he’s going to “give it some love” and hopes the guests will enjoy it.

Smirky’s doing a pasta dish (shocking!) and says the only other Vegan meal he’s ever done was for Former First Lesbian Lady Hillary Clinton. That is soooo 1992. Anyhow, he’s found a pasta made out of quinoa (because of Zoolander’s gluten-prejudice they can’t use regular wheat pasta) and launches into yet another of his 47-minute explanations of how he came to envision this dish…

Moving on to a chef that I actually like, Bayleafs is going with his usual strengths, and he’s actually quite lucky that there are a lot of items in Mexican food that rely on tasty plants and vegetables (such as tequila!)…

Le Mullet’s working on a trio of appetizers hoping to create what he calls “a seemfonny ovv fleveurs” and I’m wondering if he shouldn’t have called it “an autopsee ovv appeteezeurs” because the beets he’s chopping up look totally bloody…

Looks like NoNita Mann has chosen to utilize Indian flavors (dots, not feathers) on her dish, and she says it’s incredibly simple. She sure is ladling an awful lot of oil on those eggplant halves. Not knowing much about Indian cuisine perhaps that’s par for the course, but it looks kinda heavy-handed to me…

Big Gay Art’s bravely forging ahead with his dessert, popping open what looks like a bottle of pink champagne…

As he’s dumping out his rice-cream, he winces “This rice stuff is jest awful!” On the spur of the moment he decides to pureé some strawberries and mix them into the mucky stuff, which he says made it taste a whole lot better. Bayleafs privately thinks going with the rice-cream was a bad choice. However, all is not lost, because Artie also has made a Vegan almond brittle to go with the red mess, so hopefully it’ll taste better than it looks.

Speaking of things that look disgusting, there was a weird segment of the promo for this episode in which it looked like Smirky was spitting into food. Now we get to see what what really going on…

…this is how Smirky squeezes lemons…

Okay, ICK. Only Sweet Jesus knows where that mouth of his has been (most likely planted on the sphincters of the execs over at Food Network to please let him back on after appearing on their rival Bravo) and there has to be a far more sanitary way to extract lemon juice.

The next day as the Masters are getting ready to serve, Zoology herself stops by and fake-apologizes for being so difficult, “No one ever cooks for meeeee!” she whines. Well, gee, could it be because you have more voluntary diet restrictions than people on a hunger strike? Smirky immediately goes into his Smarmy Schmooze Modeâ„¢ trying to be all flirty with her and saying that since the chefs are all having to cook for her “with one hand tied behind our back” that she owes them a couple of songs or something…

…*translation: play with my boner…

Zoomanity just smiles and scrunches up her little nosie while looking quirkily sideways and makes a hasty exit. Since she’s grown up in Hollywood it’s a fair bet to say she probably can spot a dirty old man from several casting-couch lengths away. Smirky seems miffed that she didn’t take his bait. Ahhh, but it looks like Jesus is punishing him for his impure thoughts (and for that whole lemon-in-the-mouth thing) because his quinoa pasta is sticking to itself and he’s having to separate the strands by hand!

As the Zoolicious One sits down with all her Vegany friends, Bok Choi introduces the judges and asks her if she ever watches Top Chef. Smiling wider than if she just got handed a good script (for a change) she claims to watch every single week, and gushes how excited she is to be there promoting her latest movie and repeats how nobody ever cooks for herrrr-uh!…

…”Isn’t this cute when I squinch up my nose and play with my hair and look all innocently wide-eyed into the distance?”…

Oh look! Her mom is sitting across the table from her, actress Mary Jo Deschanel, and I couldn’t quite place her until I looked up her IMDB page and saw that she played the stuttering wife of John Glenn in The Right Stuff!…

…I would have sworn her mom was Meg Ryan…

Back in their outdoor kitchen, Smirky goes to plate his food and suddenly the table leg breaks, threatening to send all of his dishes crashing to the floor (and thereby eliminating him from the competition) but at the last second he gets ahold of the table and calls out desperately to the others to help him. And who should come to his rescue but a foofyhaired angel affectionately known as DJ Le Mullet! After all the shit-talking he’s done about the man Smirky should be ashamed of himself, if not for You-Bear all of that hand-separated pasta would have gone into the dirt (and I would have laughed until I peed, girlfriends!)

And actually it’s Le Mullet who is the first one to present tonight. However, his dish has a rather tall shot glass of something on it, and he’s desperate for the waiters to take only 2 plates at a time to keep this glass from falling over. Of course, some Clumsy McFumbleThumbs Cater-Waiter had to come back to the kitchen because the glass fell over and drenched the entire plate in green goo…

…like the Green Giant sneezed on it…

And believe me, you don’t wanna keep a table full of Vegans waiting for their food. I speak from personal experience when I say that they get awful cranky when they’re hungry (which is most of the time). Luckily Le Mullet had an extra plate and sends it back out. Crisis averted! Except this time the glass somehow gets dropped on the floor (along with a generous helping of Green Giant splooge on the crotch of the waiter’s pants). However, since it didn’t drop all over the plate, You-Bear is able to produce ONE more glass of goop. Whew! He advises the guy to hold on to the glass while he carries the plate out this time.

Finally he’s able to present his dish…

…where’s the beef?…

ZooLooney and Co. are slurping down the gazpacho shot and making like Meg Ryan at lunch in When Harry Met Sally only more fake-sounding. She’s positively glowing, “It’s, like, heaven!” she exclaims. However, one of her friends is a more realistic kind of Vegan and complains that the avocado timbale was “like eating dip” and another pinched-looking girl whines that “It felt like I’ve tasted it before.”…

…well, in that case, why not take a nice big bite of STFU? There’s no meat in it…

What did she expect from avocados? They’re not exactly like tofu, which can be made to take on several flavors, they’re always gonna kinda taste rather avocadoey. Bitch. Mary Jo StutterGlenn says she normally doesn’t like beets, but she’s loving the salad, and Gramma Gael agrees with her that it was an “extraordinary” dish.

Next up is NoNita Mann and her semi-salad course…

…that sorta looks like it needs to be mowed…

No faux-orgasms this time as Zooelzebub complains about the oiliness of the eggplant, yet she still insists that it was tasty. Once again her entourage disagrees, one pale dour-faced woman calling it “too spicy” and some uppity queen saying it was “overseasoned” for his taste…

…Another Fun Fact About Veganism: It can give you ultra horseyface or acute squinchynose as well…

It’s Smirky’s turn to work the room, and he asks the diners if they’ve gotten “worn down” by the first two courses. Well, if they didn’t before, they’re about to now…

…I hate to admit that looks good, so I won’t…

After 23 minutes of explanation, the Vegans are about to topple over from hunger and are finally allowed to taste the dish. Zooless goes on her own long-ass praise of how she hasn’t had pasta in a really long time so it’s like a “homecoming” for her. She is such a little overactor! Gramma Greene comments that she’s never heard of quinoa pasta before, and NerdMosexual likes the fact that Smirky cooked it al dente. Because the center of attention has suddenly shifted from her, Zoolin Rouge jumps back in with all kinds of exaggerated emphatic hand gestures to illustrate how much she lurves this magical pasta dish…

…Or this could be her playing charades and we’re supposed to guess “500 Days Of Summer”…

Even worse, she says she wants to go find Smirky and give him a big hug! Oh, barf! Let’s move on to Bayleafs and his lovely tamales…

…you can’t go wrong when things are braised’n'glazed…

Naturally ZooeyZooeyGumdrops says they’re the best tamales she’s ever had! I can tell that the Critics are getting annoyed with her because they can’t seem to get a word in edgewise, and she just keeps talking and talking and I don’t even care what she says anymore, she’s trying to sound all foodie now and it’s irritating me. Lest we forget, she was in “The Happening”!

Before Big Gay Art’s dessert even makes it to the table she’s already yapping, “OMG, it’s ice cream and I love ice cream!” Well, no ya don’t, because ice cream has that pesky “cream” in it, and you’ve sworn off any bovine by-products so get ready to be disappointed…

…I love ya, ArtieBear, but this looks a lot like an abortion garnished with cookies…

Mama MaryJo says it reminds her of Zoomlens’ birthday because she just loves strawberries! The Z-girl confirms that she does love strawberries, but suddenly there are no gushing overdramatic phrases as she says she’s had better Vegan ice cream. I have, too, it’s called SOY DREAM, bitch! She says coconut milk would have been better for her, and FugTaser says Big Gay Art should have done a sorbet. Horseyfaced Woman pipes up that she’s had a lot of Vegan desserts (home alone on most every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night of her life, I’ll bet) and bitchily complains that this “could have been a lot better.” Well, of course it could… if your little starlet-leader there allowed butter and cream and eggs and flour and things that actually taste good to be a part of it! Jesus wept! NerdMosexual at least pipes up in support of his Big Gay Art that he completely finished the dish, so he can’t really say there was anything wrong with it.

In closing, Zoorexia is saying how nice it is to have all these great chefs cooking for her, “It’s so rare that I get to eat anything other than raw vegetables!” Umm, let’s be clear here, it’s not a case of not getting to eat anything other than raw veggies, it’s a matter of not choosing to eat those other things. She makes it sound like this whole diet was forced on her. That’s one of the reasons why I love my BFF Erick, who, even though he is Vegan, does not judge us carnivores, nor does he complain if a Vegan alternative is not readily available to him, “It’s my choice to eat this way.” he says. And then he gobbles another roll of Ritz crackers…

…I know, it’s hard to tell which one of us is the meat-eater…

Anyhow, back at the Critic’s table, Gramma Gael’s giving great gratitude to Le Mullet for how beautiful his dish looked, and NerdMo’ agrees, “It was quite a ssssplashy way to sssstart off the meal!” FugTaser says it was an “entertaining curtain-raiser to an intriguing lunch!” I think that’s his way of saying “I’m still hungry.”

Next, NerdMosexual whacks NoNita Mann over the head about her oily eggplant dish. NoNita, however, says she likes her eggplant prepared like that, in fact she put a considerable amount of oil on it and left it overnight! FugTaser says the diners were complaining that there was something missing to bring the two main ingredients of her dish together and asks her if she thinks that’s a valid criticism, “You can say ‘no’ if you like!” NoNita barely grimaces, shrugs and says “It’s subjective, so…” Gramma takes her turn, saying the plate was “a little sad-looking because of the one color.” NoNita acknowledges there was a lot of brown. FugTaser tries to get another rise out of her, asking how much of the dish was shaped by dealing with the problems raised by all of Zoomorous’ crazy restrictions. NoNita’s had enough, and intones “You know, it certainly was challenging for me, and this obviously fell flat.”

…In other words, “I get it. You hated it. That horse is dead. Let’s move on.”…

There’s definitely an awkward silence, which Bok Choi attempts to lighten by chirping “Let’s move on to Michaellllll!” I’m not even going to bother, because he just babbled a bunch of bullshit about how Italian food isn’t centered around meat, so that’s why he’s so awesome at Vegan food. He also makes sure to let them know how taxed he was with that quinoa pasta because he had to separate every single strand by hand!

They also loved BayLeafs’ tamale dish, although NerdMosexual calls it “a bit ungainly” because the salad part got lost in the gooey beans. Rick admits the plate did have some slop-factor to it and says if he’d had more time he would have rethought it a little bit.

Up last is our poor Big Gay Art. Gramma says the strawberries were great, but the Rice Cream was “very disappointing”. FugTaser wants to know how he made it, and Artie tells him he bought the Rice Cream at Whole Paycheck and folded strawberries into it. FugTaser not happy to hear this and asks if Big Gay Art feels that buying the central ingredient readymade qualifies the dish as good. Artie flat-out says he wasn’t going to make something that he didn’t know how to make or had no recipe for…

…”So shut it, Fuggo. I worked fer Oprah, biyatch!”…

He says he didn’t want to chance it not turning out at all, and kind of stares FugTaser down. NerdMo’ timidly peeps that he’s amazed ArtieBear was able to make almond brittle with no butter. Big Gay Art is somewhat mollified by this faint compliment, but you can tell he and NoNita are in deep shit.

After some more rehashing and another commercial for “500 Days Of Summer” the Masters are brought back in for the results! Starting with Le Mullet and his Quickfire 3 stars, the diners and NerdMosexual gave him 4 stars, while Gramma gave 4½ and FugTaser only 3½, giving him a total of 19. Moving on to Smirky and his Quickfire 4 stars, the diners and FugTaser gave him 4½ stars, NerdMo’ gave 4, and that creaky bitch Gramma gave him 5 (ugh!) for a total of 22 stars!

Next is Bayleafs, who also started with 4 stars, adding 3½ stars from the diners and NerdMo’, and 4 stars from both Gramma and FugTaser, making his total also 19 stars! Which means Smirky wins!…

…Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!…

Smirky, Bayleafs and Le Mullet all get to leave while Big Gay Art and NoNita Mann await their fate. NoNita started with only 1½ Quickfire stars, and the diners (and NerdMosexual) gave her only 2½ stars, FugTaser 3 stars and Gramma 3½. Big Gay Art started with 3½ Quickfire stars, and picked up 3 more stars from the diners, while FugTaser punished him with a measly 1½, Gramma 2 and NerdMo’ 2½ stars…

…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!…

Ah fuck! Booooooooooo! Big Gay Art’s going home! Bok Choi knows this sucks, too, as she admits “It’s really not going to be the same here without you!” before politely asking him to pack his knives and go. *snif* ArtieBear knows he lost because he made a decision that wasn’t favorable with the judges, but he’s happy he won $10K already for his charity, and says that’ll go towards helping them open up a school. Or he and his boyfriend can go buy two burgers at Le Mullet’s restaurant!

So what did you think of this episode? Were as sad to see Big Gay Art go as I am? Did you think NoNita should have gone instead? And is there any limit to the sheer volume of douchiness that Michael Chiarello can generate? At this point I’d rather it be any of the other three (NoNita, Le Mullet or Bayleafs) that wins instead of him. Fucker.

Okay, so I’m off to L.A. for the weekend to go visit with my BFF Erick (and I hope to get to see Flipit and ChickBomb as well) and I’ll leave you with this photo showing the bridging of the herbivore and carnivore worlds…

love, J-Mo