Top Chef Masters Finale: France Vs. Italy Vs. Mexico!

Greetings, ‘Gasmii! It’s taken ten weeks, but we’ve finally arrived at the Last Competitionâ„¢! I dunno about you guys, but I think this show was actually fairly successful in showing us a different facet of the whole Top Chef franchise. One without Scar! How is that even possible?…

…Well, you start out by making a face like this (only with less teeth)…

Of course Top Chef Masters has also shown us that even high-level chefs can turn into complete tools when placed under pressure in a competitive environment. Or sometimes that’s just who they are (*cough*MichaelChiarello*cough*) and it has nothing to do with being on TV. Anyhow, while reveling in our fondest memories of Cocky Lee, Schlubbo, Cowboy Love, Teddy Graham (♥), The Doof, LezBeth, Papi Tom v2.0, Granowlycyn, Le Ludocrous, El Shalito, Marky Doody, CaJohn Boy, Reverend Moon, LachLump, Bork Bork, Waxie, The Gooch, Rusti, SnoozAnne, Big Gay Art (♥♥♥) and NoNita Mann let’s make the jump and see who wins!…We start out tonight’s show with Le Mullet, Smirky and Bayleafs all being packed into a Lexus mini-SUV and whisked away to destinations unknown. Bayleafs is being a bit of worrywart, saying he’s not sure if they’re gonna have to do another Quickfire Challenge (guess he musta forgot when Bok Choi told them last week that the blindfold tasting thingy was the last one). He’s not the only one, cuz Le Mullet admits he’s a little frightened, too. Smirky’s just sitting there being all smirky and replaying last week’s fight with Dung v2.0 over and over in his head while rehearsing cutting comeback lines in case they ever meet again.

Eventually their car exits the city proper and they’re on the Pacific Coast Highway, which is always gorgeous. Seriously, I never get tired of seeing the ocean, and to prove it to you, here’s a picture my BF took of it last weekend while I was driving…

…the BF was holding my brand new camera out of the window when he took this…

The picture taken right after that one was a little blurry because it’s hard to hold a camera steady when the driver of the car is trying strangle you one-handed. Back to the show, they are in Pacific Palisades and turn up a long driveway that leads to The Getty Villa, the second of J. Paul Getty’s art museums in Los Angeles. Le Mullet approves of this heartily, “Zat’s on zee levail ovv Top Chayf Mastairz for ze feenahlay!” It really is beautiful, and I’d show you pictures, except Bravo is still insisting on running those giant ads that cover a quarter of the screen and it just ruins the quiet beauty of it all…

…God, come on Scar and Daddy Tom! Stop being so jealous and trying to block Bok Choi, it’s gonna be back to being aaaaall about you two in another hour, can we please just see the villa?…

Oh well, if you want to see more of the Getty Villa then go here, okay? Anyhow, once she gets out from behind Scar’s picture, Bok Choi greets the remaining Masters, reminds them how we started off with “24 extraordinary chefs” and congratulates them on making it to the Final Three. She also reminds them of the 100,000 clams at stake for their charities. She also reminds them who she is.

So what is the final Elimination Challenge? Well, it’s all about history. Specifically, the three Masters’ history as chefs, so they’re being asked to create a series of dishes based on their lives. Here’s how it will break down: Dish One will need to be based on their first food memory. Get ready for a lot of pureéd vegetables. Dish Two has to be based on the experience that made them decide to become a chef (like their first visit to a fine restaurant, such as La Sizzler or Chili’s). Dish Three needs to reflect the opening of their first restaurant, and oh, how I wish one of them started out with a Dairy Queen franchise, because I’d kill to see someone make a gourmet Blizzardâ„¢ or Dilly Barâ„¢! Dish Four is supposed to illustrate where they are going in the future as chefs (and based on how many teeth they each have left, we may be heading back to the pureéd veggies).

Bayleafs is absolutely delighted with this challenge and says he has often dreamed of being able to cook a meal such as this for people. My face is doing something very strange when I hear him talk with such joy about food and passionately wanting to share it with people… I think I’m actually smiling? Feels weird. Of course, I never have to worry about smiling for too long when we have an assmunch like Smirky around to open his big fat yap and ruin the feeling for me…

…Clearly someone is counting their charity chickens before they’re catched…

Yup, Smirky already thinks he’s got this thing in the dickbag, “It’s a sweet spot for me. I’m a storyteller! I own each and every one of those emotions in my heart, each and every day!” I guess the rest of us mere mortals just rent our emotions? In that case, I’m putting in a great big order for some deep-fried hatred with a side of mashed irritation and annoyance sauce. Smirking at his competitors he says “Alright, game on then, guys!”

Bokky lets them know that joining the Circle Of Uggos tonight will be Daddy Tom, Scar and Gail Simmons! Yayyy Gail! I can’t wait to see what kind of ruffly, flouncy, ill-fitting, boob-flashing blouse she’s going to wear! Oh, but that’s not all! Choi-Choi says there will also be a group of “promising younger chefs”… the five Top Chef winners! Of course, this last bit isn’t sitting well with Smirky, who clearly isn’t happy about it: “To have the Top Chef winners judging Top Chef Masters is definitely a curve ball… so I was a little shocked!”…

…”I mean, how can they possibly judge the awesomeness that is me?”…

What a prick. I guess he thinks he’s just so far above the cheftestant winners that having them judge his food is as insulting as hearing Octomom critiquing the child-exploitation parenting skills of Jon & Kate Gosselin. He’s conveniently forgotten what a whiny little bitch he’s turned into whenever other “curve balls” have been thrown at him during this competition. Then again, one of those “winners” is Hoser, so maybe he has a small point.

Anyhow, Bok Choi lets them know they’ll be heading out to shop for and prep their food, but for now they have the entire Getty Villa to themselves to wander about and think of what kind of menu they are going to plan for. As the Masters meander, they come upon a ramada under which a lovely wine and cheese and nibbly-things spread has been laid out for their enjoyment…

…hopefully those aren’t leftovers from NoNita’s “raw bar”…

They sit down and commence to discuss their first food memories. Le Mullet starts off talking about his family’s bakery and a dish that they made there called “baeckeoffe” (pronounced “beck-a-off”, like what you’d want to say to a small angry Asian man or tall graying Italian man when they get in your face over inconsequential bullshit). It means “baker’s oven” and it’s a traditionally French three meat and potato stew…

Awwww, and here’s a precious picture of Un Bébé Mullet!…

…wow, only a year old and already with the big hair…

Bayleafs mentions that he thought barbecue sauce was in his veins until he was about 15 years old, he literally grew up in his parent’s BBQ restaurant and every piece of clothing he owned smelled like hickory smoke, “I would keep all of my dating clothes in a separate closet!” he moans. Oh, come on, Bayleafs! Give a girl a chance, there are some of us who would actually be turned on by the scent of a good BBQ sauce over some hoity-toity Dolce & Gabbana toilet water any day!

In any case, Bayleafs is going to go back to his BBQ roots for his first course…

And he was pretty cute little kid, too…

…who would have thought that a child so thoroughly white bread would have such an affinity for latino cuisine?…

He’ll also be using his family’s own hickory house BBQ sauce in the dish. Way to bust out the family pride there, Rick!

Moving on to Smirky, he says his first food memory was supervising the making of mud pies and yelling at the other neighborhood kids that they weren’t moving fast enough while asking everybody what his name was. Okay, not really, actually it was being in the kitchen with his mother (Dinah) and her handing him his own little wad of gnocchi dough and his own little paddle and showing him how to make his own little gnocchi…

He’s going to actually use recipes that his mother taught him, but updated for how he cooks today. This might be a good move for him, we all know Daddy Tom and Scar love a good gnocchi (and most of the hacks on the regular show usually fuck it up righteously, so it’s probably a rare treat for them to have it done correctly). Oh yeah, and here’s Smirky as a kid…

…Yup, still smirky…

Nah, actually I think he was pretty sweet-looking as a little boy. Too bad he grew up to be such a raging anal-wart as an adult. Anyhow, they finish their little luncheon and toast each other and then head off to Whole Paycheck Market (for the last time!) with a full hour and $1300.00 to blow. Wow, I can’t remember the last time… well, okay, I can’t remember any time where I was served a meal with $1300.00 worth of ingredients in it. I don’t think my mom spent that much on food for me my whole life. Now I’m kinda wishing that I were a winner of Top Chef or Gail Simmons’ hubby or NerdMosexual’s boyfr– *urp!*

Sorry, I couldn’t get one that out without gagging. Still, I am wistfully watching the Masters picking out fine ingredients and feeling a little depressed as I dig into a bowl of what the BF gleefully calls “Undead Leftover Surprise Casserole (With Stale Breadcrumbs Homemade Croutons On Top)” and I’m crying a little. Not helping my mood is hearing Smirky’s interview where he faux-compliments Le Mullet and Bayleafs on their skills and then says, “And me? I’m scrappy!”…

…for a moment there I thought he was being honest and saying “I’m crappy!”…

They’re back in the G.O. Monofuckyourself Kitchen and have five hours to prep. Smirky trots out that old tired “the gloves are off” saying and insists he’s swinging with all his might. BayLeafs says everyone is going to try to get their hardest things done first and hopes he has enough energy to get through the full-on hardcore 5-hour grind ahead of them. Le Mullet jokes that since he’s the oldest that perhaps he should have an extra hour to cook.

Here’s Bayleaf’s second course…

He says he first tasted this mole at age 14 and couldn’t believe how amazing the flavor was. He also makes my mouth drop wide open when he says this mole requires 27 ingredients and cooking techniques that no one else uses, “This is probably one of my riskier moves.” ¡Sí, ninguna mierda, Sherlock!

Moving back over to Little Italy, here’s what Smirky’s working on…

…and no, “Spiedini” is not a dish inspired by Spencer and Heidi Pratt. He doesn’t really explain it, either (the prick) and the best I can find out about it is that it’s made from cubes of marinated meat roasted on a spit. I’m a longtime foe of liver so this prolly wouldn’t be my favorite dish to begin with.

Le Mullet says his second course was extremely easy for him to decide upon…

Jesus, only DJ Mullet would associate the word “easy” with the word “soufflé”. He says he first tasted this dish at a restaurant called L’Auberge De L’ile which is the only 3-star Michelin restaurant in Eastern France. He loved it so much he desperately wanted to learn how to make it. Well, it turns out that L’Auberge De L’ile is where YouBear did his apprenticeship so voila!… salmon soufflé satisfaction! “Choucroute” I am discovering, is basically French sauerkraut.

During each of these vignettes we’ve gotten a chance to see the Masters as young men, and here is a montage for your enjoyment…

I was going to ask a question regarding drag queens, but have decided not to. In any event, their five hours have run out and it’s time to shut it down for the day. Bayleafs says any one of the three of them could win this, it all depends on how they work it out on the following day… and who can do their best not to alienate the diners.

A new day dawns over Los Angeles…

It’s the final day of competition and they have only 2½ hours to cook, but it wouldn’t be Top Chef Masters without Smirky taking time out annoy everyone else by shouting “You guys are goin’ down!” Boy, oh boy, do I ever wish he winds up in second place! He tells us, “Let’s make no bones about it, I came here to win. I wake up every day in full-on competitive mode!” Well, okay, if by “competitive” he means “acting like a fuckwit” then yes, I full-on agree.

Ahhh, but what is this? Bayleafs has noticed a remote control laying on his station with a note that reads “Hello chefs, I have one final surprise for you! I hope you like this one! Press play. Love, Tyra.” Their faces all fall simultaneously, and Le Mullet thinks there have been far too many surprises already. Smirky looks like he just ate a bug. Bayleafs gamely presses the play button, and suddenly on the big flatscreen there appears…

…another Frenchman!…

Yes, it’s Le Mullet’s sous-chef Laurent Pillard and he’s telling YouBear that all of the employees of Fleur-De-Lys, Burger Bar and Sleek are behind him, wishing him good luck and says that if Le Mullet wins he’s going to DJ for him, which makes everyone crack up. ‘Cuz LowRent up there sure looks like a cool club DJ, right?

I guess this is the equivalent of a “call from home” on Big Brother, because next up is this guy…

…another Napa Valley douchebag!…

No, I don’t know this guy from Adam, but I don’t know how else to describe a guy who lives in Northern California and is using a Spicoli-surfer accent and saying “Me’n'all the boyz in th’kitchen, we know you’re gonna smok’em in the final!” Plus, hearing this causes Smirky to make “hang-loose hands” and go “Arrrriiiiight!”. Ugh, thanks for making that happen Nick Ritchie.

From the much more down-to-earth land of Chicago comes this fella…

…anahther gaiy with a funny ayacksent!…

OMG, Bryan sounds soooo Chicahhgoh as he wishes Bayleafs luck from everyone ayat Frontera Grill and “Toe-poe-low-bahhm-pohh” and says they all hope he takes home the title. I love me some Chicahhgoh ayacksents, they’re not annoying like some others. Anyhow, the Masters all really loved getting those messages from home and it perked everyone up… and then suddenly through the door comes…

…the Three Sous-keteers!…

Talk about a nice surprise! They are there to assist their respective Masters finish off their dishes, and everyone dives right in and gets to work. Since the third course is based on their first restaurant, Smirky’s reminiscing on his college days in Miami and the first place he worked (called what, exactly?) which he says made “multiethnic, progressive New American cuisine” and the fish dish he’s making is from that restaurant (named?)…

He says he hasn’t done this dish in 25 years, but it was the big seller at this place (WHAT place?!?) and Food & Wine Magazine wrote about it and he was given some generic “Chef Of The Year” award. Yay for Smirky, I guess, but what’s the deal with never telling us the fucking name of the restaurant?!?!…

…perhaps he can’t tell us because he was too busy cultivating his Italofro…

I just realized, is it just me, or does it sound as though Smirky kinda didn’t understand what he was supposed to be doing? Bok Choi said they had to make a dish inspired by the opening of their first restaurant, not the first restaurant they ever worked in. Ah well, tools tend to stop listening when the one talking isn’t them.

Bayleafs says he and his wife opened Frontera Grill in 1987 on “a shoestring” and the dish he’s making from back then is quite special and unique…

In case you’re wondering, Bayleafs says “cochinita pibil” is “suckling pig”. I guess Charlotte the spider didn’t make it in time to save this chubby little fella’s ass (either that or he pissed her off and she wound up writing “Juicy” and “Tasty” and “Tender” in her web above his pen). In any case, Bayleafs says he’s going to take all that sweet succulent pork and pack it into a pan to make kind of a cake out of it (interesting) that he will then cut into squares (like Rice Krispies Treats, only with pork) and pan sear them. You know, that sounds really fucking tasty, and I am so fucking ready to dump this bowl of grayish brown casserole I’m eating on top of somebody’s head.

Over in Le Mulletland, YouBear calls Smirky’s name and then holds up the following…

…a pair of yak turds?…

Nope, those are black truffles that he had flown in specially from France. Smirky’s suitably impressed and says that Italians love truffles as much as the French do, so he knows it’s “game on” now. Le Mullet feels like this was his “secret weapon” and is happy to have this kind of ammo to load his culinary shotgun with. Bayleafs is less impressed, “Yeah, you can slice truffles over a dish and say it’s special… but it’s not really, it’s just expensive!” LOL, I’m impressed Rick! I didn’t think you had a bitchy streak in ya!

Le Mullet is thinking back to the opening of Fleur-De-Lys is San Francisco in 1987 and trying to remember what the hot dish was that they were making way back then…

I’m not certain, but it seems as though “mousseline” is a derivative of the ever-popular hollandaise sauce, which sounds good, but I’m not at all sure about vanilla mixed with merlot. YouBear says that as an added surprise he’s putting a little garlic clove in the center of the dish, and tells us he’s blanched the cloves in “three different waters” to cut the sharpness of it. He better hope it worked, if Hoser’s ever gonna get a second shot with Possible Stalker Leah he’s gonna need all the fresh breath he can get his sweaty hands on, and a raw garlic clove in the middle of a dish could come as more of a nasty surprise.

Smirky’s ready to work on his fourth and final course…

He says the best way for him to illustrate who he is and where he’s going as a chef is to present the “Napa Valley Lifestyle” on the plate. To that end he’s got some “cabernet cuttings” (which look a lot like “dried twigs”) from his vineyard (did you remember that Michael Chiarello has his own vineyard? Well, he does! And you don’t!) and he’s going to present the dish with some “smoldering vines” for ambience. I’m not sure if he’s going to actually place flaming twigs on their plate, but he better not, cuz Gramma Gael’s hats look really flammable.

Here’s what Bayleafs is putting fourth…

He says this dish is very “homey”, which I suspect is true considering the name “arroz a la tumbada” roughly translates to “fallen down rice”. Ahh, but it seems as though the G.E. Thermostatless Ovens have struck again, some of Bayleafs seafood appears to have wound up overcooked! And I dunno about any of you, but when I hear the phrase “chorizo air” it suggests flatulence during post-chorizo-consumption. I’ve been present for that kind of chorizo air before, and it does not bring back pleasant memories.

Finally, here’s what Le Mullet has for his last dance…

WagyÅ« is another way to say Kobe beef or “beef so expensive you may as well frame it and hang it on your wall”. Weirdly, YouBear’s mentioning the burgeoning (at that time) recession and how he sees food going in the direction of being “more affordable” so he says beef cheeks are cheaper than using filet mignons and pricey center cuts, and can be just as tender if cooked properly. Okay, I’m guessing that Kobe beef cheeks aren’t as costly as other prime cuts from those sacred cows, but I suspect that it’s in the same way that a Porsche is “less expensive” than a Lamborghini. For now, I guess I’m stuck with the 73% crapmeat (made with extra yummy beef lips and assholes!) that I use to make burgers. Way to be in touch there, YouBear.

It’s time for that weird “get to know them” minute that Bravo has started putting in all of it’s shows, and this time it features none other than our Smirky (ormally I ignore these because they’re lame, but this one has an interesting tidbit). He says he’s noticed that NerdMosexual has been his “biggest challenge” among the judges and we cue the flashback to NerdMo’ giving him 3 and 3½ stars (only once did he ever give Smirky 4 stars)….

…face it, Smirky… he’s just not that into you…

So what’s he gonna do about it? Well, after noticing a copy of NerdMosexual’s Saveur magazine laying around the kitchen, he decides to tear the pages out and burn them around the edges to make little circular Saveur doilies…

…I’m sure that’ll win NerdMo over…

Smirky says he’s “having fun with him” and plans on using those doilies to put underneath one of his dishes and seeing if NerdMosexual notices. Because I’m sure NerdMo’ recognizes every single picture in his magazine. Especially when they’re half-charred by a blowtorch. Smirky is a moron.

The Last Supper is here, and the Twelve Apostles Of The Food Gods have gathered in a flowery courtyard that would ensure a meal punctuated by sneezes and flying boogersnot if I were attending. Perhaps that’s part of the reason that I’m not. That, and the fact that I’m a big fat nobody who just writes about this show every week (but I’m not bitter… okay, well, maybe a tad bitter, but can you really blame me after brownish-gray casserole and tears for dinner?… ah, fuck it, let’s go back to the recap).

Bok Choi welcomes everyone and explains about the whole “telling your life story” in the dishes thing. As the servers and Masters approach with their first course, Bokky introduces the originatas…

…Daddy Tom’s tryina look down the front of Bok Choi’s dress, Scar is fake-smiling and looks pissed that anyone other than her is hosting, and poor Gail has FugTaser furiously eye-fucking the back of her head…

…as well as the Top Chefs themselves…

…and this is the first time we’ve had Harold, Illyawn, Dung, Yoda and Hoser in the same room together!…

Ugh, Hoser still has a helluva boner-killer of a face. In any case, Bok Choi finally introduces our panel of Critics (for the last time!)…

…looks like Gramma Greene wore her favorite Pepto-Bismol hat, NerdMosexual has no idea he’s about to meet barbecued pieces of his work and FugTaser is worse to look at than Hoser (and poor Gail Simmons got her nose picked by the Top Chef knife!)…

Now that everybody knows everybody, let’s get down to eatin’! Bayleafs is up first…

Rick makes sure to mention the BBQ sauce is his family’s product (plug!) and is followed by Le Mullet…

YouBear tells them about how this was a dish that was traditionally served on Monday for lunch because Mondays are Laundry Day in France, and they wouldn’t have time to actually cook something, so this would be made the night before and simmered all day long. He also brought out a pot of it to show them the way it would really look…

…heyyy, that looks an awful lot like “Undead Leftover Surprise Casserole” minus the croutons!…

Last up is Smirky’s first food memory…

…how unsurprising that it’s hazy and out-of-focus…

He tells his “making-gnocchi-with-Mom” story again and mentions having grown up in a Calabrese Southern Italian family, which causes Daddy Tom’s eyes to widen a little (it was either that or Bok Choi just kicked him under the table for his Roman hands and Russian fingers).

The Masters leave and everyone digs in. Starting with Smirky, NerdMosexual notices that there are truffle shavings on top of the gnocchi (yeah, but is it imported French truffle?). Scar says it’s lovely and Hoser calls it “velvet”. You can always count on Dung for bitchassness, and he doesn’t disappoint as he claims the marinara sauce is underseasoned, but since this is Smirky’s dish I don’t care, so I say go Dung, bitch away! Ah fuck, now he’s backpedaling, saying other than that small disappointment the dish was “excellent”. He’s more of a bitchass than I thought…

…maybe it’s cuz he’s “hung” like this…

Daddy Tom speaks up for the first time and says that he comes from a similar background as Smirky, his mother is Calabrese as well (ah ha, that’s what the eye-widening was all about) and he says that he prefers his mother’s sauce to Smirky’s (natch!) but that the gnocchi were really well made and is impressed that there were two varieties.

Next they try Le Mullet’s BackOff stew. NerdMo’s in love with how the dish looks and Bok Choi thinks it’d be something to look forward to on laundry day. HA! Like she ever goes trudging down to the laundromat with her chonies in a basket and a roll of quarters! Illyawn says you can feel he’s been cooking that dish since he was a kid and wishes YouBear had left behind the extra pot he brought out for show and tell. Scar pipes up that it felt like a stew that grandma would lovingly make for you…

…well, anybody but this Gramma…

Moving on to Bayleafs BBQ quail, Yoda says the sauce “rocks” and that you could really see Rick eating BBQ in the backyard with his family as a kid. Gramma’s loving the hot’n'spicy sprouts on top of the watermelon salad (at least until she finds one stuck in her upper plate a week from now) and Hoser says that as a food memory this one is his favorite. I think he’s just glad to be back on TV again.

They’re gearing up to present the second course, this is the one that Smirky is using his burnt-Saveur doilies on (they’re underneath a canning jar??). Time to hear about what inspired them to become a chef, and Bayleafs is up first…

…when I was a kid I thought “mole” meant it was made of little mashed-up rodents…

Rick tells them how he first tasted mole at age 14 and that it’s taken him twenty years to learn how to make it properly. Next is Le Mullet…

…OMG, sauerkraut flan??!?…

YouBear tells them the dish comes from L’Auberge L’ile and that he made the choucroute flan just for a “leetle tweest” and I think it worked, my tummy’s in a twist just thinking about it. Anyhow, Last up is Smirky and his rustic Ball jars…

…and a little scorching-hot reading material to help you pass the time…

Immediately NerdMosexual asks “What’s the decoupage on the bottom?” Smirky replies, “Oh, uh, James, you and I have been working on our friendship for about 8 shows (which is wrong, cuz he’s only been on four episodes… -J-Mo) so this is a little piece of Saveur!” Everybody at the table cracks up royally!…

…and Bok Choi makes more blowjobface…

NerdMo’s a pretty good sport about the whole thing, but I’m curious as to what his thought-bubble is right about now…

…”All right, asshole, you’re getting 2 stars from here on out.”…

They start off with Smirky’s dish, opening the jars, and Hoser says the polenta is amazing. Gail Simmons is having a hot flash, saying “There’s a primalness to it, I sort of want to bathe in it!” Right after she says this she remembers she’s sitting next to dirty old FugTaser (who’s all raised eyebrows and leering fugmouth) and nervously amends, “…um, but I won’t at this moment.” FugTaser says he could have “spooned” the dish away until the cows came home, milked them, and come right back for more.

Is he talking about Gail’s boobs? I think Daddy Tom picked up on that because he calls out “You could probably bathe Gail in it!” Ew, ew, ew, let’s not make people nauseous now. Of course, FugTaser’s all over this and says to her “You and me… we’ll have a great time!” and Gail suppresses what I’m certain is a horrified scream and crawling skin and says “Let’s talk!”… and then she makes me fall in love with her even more because she turns away from him and does this…

…Love. You. Gail. …

OMG, that’s almost as classic as Madonna making gag-me-vomit-face when Kevin Costner called the Blonde Ambition concert “neat”!

Now on to Le Mullet’s soufflé dish. Yoda says she could just lick up the caviar and Reisling sauce, and Harold says the dish is technically “ridiculously challenging” to make for so many people and it’s making him want to learn more about French cuisine. Only it doesn’t sound kiss-assy when he says it (unlike, say, Dung or Hoser or Illyawn).

They’re diving into Bayleafs’ tuna and black Oaxacan mole last. There are a lot of loud “M’mm!” sounds from around the table, Gail says she’s never had a mole that tasted this good, and wants to hang out with Rick Bayless more often (anything to get away from creepy-ass FugTaser at her left). NerdMo’ thinks you can almost taste every single one of the 25-plus ingredients in it, and then we’re treated to a random shot of Hoser eating…

…and all I can taste is my dinner coming back up…

Daddy Tom says with authority that if this is what inspired Bayleafs to pursue a life of making great Mexican food then it’s “brilliant”. Yay for Bayleafs!

Time for the third course, the one that is supposed to be inspired by the opening of their first restaurant, and Bayleafs is up first…

…toldja there were gonna be pureés!…

Here’s Le Mullet’s 1987 flashback dish as well…

…and I lurve me a tater used as a natural gravy boat!…

And bringing up the rear is Smirky’s dish which completely ignored the directions and has nothing at all to do with the first restaurant he actually opened…

…I just wanted to make sure we’re clear on that point…

Smirky knows it, too, and he kinda skims over that fact by remaining vague, “Um, I was in Miami for my, errr, first restaurant, so it was all, um, multi-ethnic things going on…” They start off with his dish, and they’re loving the crunch of the fried fish, NerdMosexual likes how tender it is on the inside. Hoser describes the wasabi as “intense”. Oh, is there a fresh wasabi out there that is mild in flavor? Fucktard. Illyawn finally speaks up and says he finds the dish really “one-dimensional”. *record-scratch* “It’s fried well and it’s crispy and it’s nice, but…. that’s it!” There is no argument from anyone else, and I have a feeling Smirky may have made a misstep here. Pardon me while I do the happy dance…

Next they try YouBear’s lamb chop & ‘nilla taters dish. Gail’s in love with the presentation, Dung is impressed that Le Mullet was able to cook the lamb perfectly as well as the mousseline and keep the spinach green. Daddy Tom likes the dish, but he didn’t care for the raw garlic clove and calls it “a mistake”. Scar says there was too much vanilla flavor which made it taste too desserty for her. You know, I don’t believe that she’s gotten the taste of old man balls out of her mouth yet, so I think her palate is suspect and I’m going to ignore her comment.

Moving on over to Bayleaf’s suckling pig dish, there are orgasmic groans from around the table and Hoser says “Rick’s speakin’ my language here!” Which language is that I wonder… Douchebagese? Or Poseur Hackalog? Put a potato in it, baldy. Gramma Gael says the sunchoke pureé is much more sophisticated than she was expecting from Rick (and I bet Gramma knows her pureés!). Scar thinks that sometimes Mexican food doesn’t get the same “street cred” that is given to French or Italian cuisine, and is pleased at the complexities of everything on the plate.

Okay, time for the Final Course, where the Masters are now, and where they’ll be heading… starting with Bayleafs…

…which part is the “air”? Is it that spongy looking foam stuff?…

Nooooo, not foam! We hate foam! Foam is the realm of shitdicks like Marcel Turkeyhair! Oh well, let’s see what Smirky did…

…OK, “Essence of smoldering vines” = “smoke”…

Smirky says the new Michael is looking to tell stories with his food. Wait, I thought that was the old Michael? Ah well, prickish either way. And the last dish from the last round goes to Le Mullet, who has done double duty!…

…I wonder what the French word for “overachiever” is?…

Starting off with Bayleaf’s final course, FugTaser says it’s not Rick’s best dish and tries to go all Toby Young on us, saying it’s summed up by the foam which “is a little bit like your elderly granny at a family wedding putting on spandex hotpants and dancing the disco.”…

…”And what’s wrong with spandex hotpants?”…

Way to insult Gramma Gael, there, Fuggie! Did you forget that she used to go to Studio 54 and “dance the disco”? Putz. The funny part is, Harold’s glancing in Daddy Tom’s direction while FugTaser’s making this little speech… I think he knows that Daddy Tom doesn’t like it when English critics try to make dry little funnies on this show and he looks like he’s waiting for an explosion…

…If you wanna know why I like Harold the best out of all the Top Chefs, it’s because of this right here: he shuts up and pays attention…

Sure enough, Daddy Tom says he actually likes the dish, he just thinks the timing of putting out 12 separate plates of it may have made it suffer a little, noting that some of the mussels are a bit dried out. Ouch, Bayleafs, that’s never a good sign.

Regarding Smirky and his short-ribs dish, NerdMosexual’s really loving it, and Scar puts her fork down and says Michael just stole her heart and ran away with it…

…I’m guessing it’s because he let himself go gray…

I wonder what the Indian translation is for “daddy issues”? Anyhow, Harold likes the basil salad on top and the sauce, and FugTaser says Smirky’s the “preeminent storyteller” that they’ve come across, “Everything has a story!” Which I believe means he’s the biggest bullshitter of them all.

Lastly, they dig into Le Mullet’s final dish. NerdMosexual is amazed, “Was there a sale on truffles? I mean, wow, that’s a lot of truffle!”. FugTaser thinks it’s an amazing cheek (ha ha, he’s still trying to be risqué, but it just comes off as grody and slimy). Harold’s not a fan of the dish, though, and says his sweetbreads were super-undercooked. I wonder how you can tell “undercooked” with nasties such as sweetbreads and am more in awe of Harold than ever.

Now that they’re done, Daddy Tom says the meal was “an embarrassment of riches” and Bok Choi hands out the star cards for everyone to fill out, saying she’ll meet the Critics back at the final Critics Table…

They give Smirky kudos for his braised short-ribs, but he gets blasted for making too literal of an interpretation of his 80′s fish dish (that wasn’t made in a restaurant that he opened himself, as I feel I must remind everyone). He, of course, doesn’t like that and says he hasn’t cooked those flavors in 20 years, so I guess it’s okay that they kinda sucked…

…”Why are your lips moving and I’m not hearing unadulterated praise??”…

Le Mullet gets love for his BackOff stew (which NerdMo’ calls “stunning”) but his 80′s dish, not so much. He mentions having blanched the garlic cloves that he put inside the medallion of lamb to make them unobtrusive. NerdMosexual says he’s surprised to hear that because his garlic clove was very strong and verging on raw…

…”Oh sheet, zees waz nod how eet waz soopozed to bee!”…

FugTaser wants to know if YouBear tasted the garlic and he insists he did, which is why he’s so surprised that they’re saying this. Bok Choi takes the opportunity to kick him when he’s down by saying “I love vanilla but that sauce for me was a bit drunken with vanilla.” YouBear admits it was risky to pair vanilla with lamb, and I’m skerd for him right now.

Lastly talking to Bayleafs, they want to know about his final dish, the rice stew. Gramma Gael doesn’t like that at all and isn’t afraid to let Rick know, “I am so prejudiced at this time about air… anytime I see it I think ‘What are they trying to do to me now?’”…

…clearly they’re trying to kill you, Gramma, maybe to prevent your silly hat collection from being foisted on the rest of us…

Ah, old ladies are just paranoid like that, my Gramma was the same way. Anyhow, NerdMosexual says the seafood in the stew was a bit overcooked but says hats off to Bayleafs for “trying to take a homey classic someplace else”…

…ummm, like the garbage can?…

However, they absolutely heap the praise on him for his mole dish, Gramma says she was shivering all over from the dish, and NerdMo’ says the tamales were “killer”. FugTaser, of course, has to take it in a gross direction, saying “I lost my mole virginity to you!” Ah Jesus, that’s just a great big ruawrghhlurggghhkkllppfft! Bayleafs is gracious and just smiles.

After the last bit of kvetching amongst the critics, it’s time to find out who’s the big winner tonight! Starting with the diners scores, Bayleafs got 4½ stars, Le Mullet got 4 stars, and Smirky was awarded 4½ stars as well. Poor YouBear, you got fucked by a garlic clove!

Now for the Critcs scores, beginning with Smirky. From Gramma and FugTaser he gets 4½ stars, and NerdMosexual gives him… bwahahahahahaha only 3½ stars!…

…”Next time don’t fuck with my magazine, biyatch!”…

So he’s only got 17 stars total! Can Le Mullet beat him? NerdMosexual gives YouBear 4½ stars (which makes Smirky lean over and say “Bravo.” through gritted teeth, LOL), Gramma Gael gives him 4 stars, and FugTaser gives him 4 stars as well…

…AAAAAAAAUUUURRGGGHHGHHARRHHAHHHH!…

Nooooo, Smirky beat DJ Mullet??!? Suckage! Hate! Ugh! Well, at least it was only by half a star. So YouBear doesn’t win. Moving on to Bayleafs, he needs just 13 stars from the Critics to beat Smirky… FugTaser gives him 4½ stars, NerdMo’ also gives 4½ stars, and Gramma Gael says “You set off skyrockets tonight!” and gives him…

…FOUR AND A HALF STARS!…

…which means Bayleafs WINS! Yayyyyy for Rick! And yayyyy for Smirky coming soooo close, only to be denied in the final moments! Yesss! Bayleafs is cool about his win, he’s elated but not cocky and can’t believe he just won the title of Top Chef Master! Smirky interviews, “Rick went home with the gold. The respected professor of Mexican cookery. I love that he won.”…

…and we totally believe you…

Le Mullet echoes the same sentiments far more believably, and is justifiably happy with the fact that he’s walking away with $20,000.00 for his charity and the knowledge that he didn’t come off like a giant douchebag. Speaking of douchebags, check out the viewer’s poll of who should have won and you’ll see that America agrees with me…

…and Smirky’s picture looks like he knows it, too…

Well, there we are, our first season of Top Chef Masters is wrapped! What did you think of this episode (and the series in general)? Did you agree with Bayleafs win, or did you think Le Mullet should have been the Top Dawg? Is there room for a second season on your plates, or was this just not intriguing and dramatic enough to be as good as Top Chef? I want to say thank you again to everybody who takes the time out to comment, and to educate me and my less-than-stellar food knowledge. Now it’s time to move on to Top Chef Season Six in Las Vegas (which, coincidentally I will be visiting in a couple of weeks) and let’s see what kind of mischief we can get up to over there, K ‘Gasmii?

As always, all my love, J-Mo