Top Chef: Merry Christmas, Sharon Stone

This week on Top Chef, as a special Christmas gift we learn once and for all that Fabio’s hung like a shoe.

These two put Team Rainbow to shame.

Sly jazz detective music from the 60′s is playing. That’s new. What’s the mystery? Well for one, why is Ariane, who keeps droning on about how old she is, sleeping with a teddy bear? I get the need to recapture your youth in some way, but try botox. It’s a little more expensive than a stuffed animal, but it gets you laid more.

That bears like “fucking finally! I can get some peace! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, ding dong!”

Scariane is all full of confidence this morning. She’s a WINNA! She’s convinced that she’s figured this whole thing out now. That’s how I feel when hit a couple of hard eights in craps. Then I lose everything. Every single time.

Eugene, the Girl Prison escapee, woke up early too. He had a pistol in his mouth. Well everyone can’t be positive all the time. He sits and goes through his little notebook filled with things he knows how to make. When he gets to “surf and turf sushi” he rips out the page, blows his nose into it and sobs like a little girl. He knows he survived by the skin of his hairless chin and vows to stick to what he learned from working his way up from a dishwasher: work hard if you want to get ahead and use really hot water if you don’t want to give people salmonella.

Fabio and Stefan aren’t in a very good mood either after a week of not getting their butts kissed by the judges, but they have enough energy to whip out a cute segment about…what else? Being Europeans. They call themselves the Euros, which is kind of depressing because the Euro is so much stronger than the dollar. Rubbing our noses in our shit economy isn’t winning you any fans, you bastards. Goofy clown music plays as they perfect their bff wild and crazy guys act. Stefan says they are the dynamic duo, but Fabio doesn’t know what that means. Well, they’re two guys who wear tights and talk about how straight they are while they kiss each other on the lips and come up with all sorts of reasons not to get married.

Stefan carves a sad face into a watermelon, saying that it represents how he feels. Fabio agrees that it looks like him because it has no hair. He’s too nice to add that it also has a giant basketball sized head, but I’m not. They have a whole comedy routine. The other chefs are over it and clear the kitchen when they start up, but unfortunately the camera guy’s stuck there which means we are too. Fabio says they have to beat everyone else so they can beat each other and Stefan chimes in so they are in unison for “sheet steeks!” Oh, Europe. I’m gonna beat you with a shit stick? Really? Stefan says he woke up this morning with a shoe in his ass but can’t figure out if it’s Scar’s or Tom’s. Fabio demands to see it and sure enough, it’s his Ked. He apologizes and then they make out.

Uh-oh! Possible Leah is not gonna like this next segment, because it stars Hosea and a Sidekick. On this past season of Top Chef’s sister show, Project Runway, a contestant talking to a family member on a Sidekick was a sure sign that their ass was about to get shitcanned.

It’s like the cellular version of The Ring.

He calls his sister to check on their dad, who was diagnosed with cancer a week before Hosea came to be on the show. I don’t have any dad with cancer jokes, so we’ll just let that one be. When the chefs get to the Not Kenmore Kitchen, it’s all decorated for Christmas. It’s just like the real thing, but my mom’s not drunk on a pool table slurring out her karaoke version of “Like a Virgin” and my Papaw’s not bitching about how his feet don’t work to anyone who passes by. I, however, still find the time to binge and feel sorry for myself, so it’s almost real. Anyway, the challenge will to be make a “one pot” wonder. The guest judge is Martha Stewart!! Girl Prison starts crying and kicking himself for not wearing the Pancho Martha made him back in 2004 while they did time together in girl jail.

I love and hate Martha. I hate her because on Larry King she said the patriotic thing for Americans to do is stop whining and pay higher taxes and because she’s always got some snooty bullshit story about how she wove her own sheets as a child or climbed Mount Everest and poached a duck egg at the top with fire she made from rubbing sticks from a Mexican elder tree together, but I love her because Cybill Shepherd really did a good job of making her look like the craziest bitch alive a few years back in a biopic TV movie that should be re-aired every Christmas Eve. Anyway, Martha shows up with her book and some advice for the chefs: “As Albert Einstein said, make it simple, but not too simple.” Thanks for the confusion there, Martha. I’d like to think if Albert was alive today, he’d simplify that nonsense advice with a simple:

“Suck less than the person standing next to you.”

This challenge should be no problem for Jamie the Ninja Turtle, because she loves making soup. She chooses a pair of fat, beautiful scallops to serve over a potato stew. Hosea is doing paella, which could be scary because it requires rice and last week’s sticky rice is still hanging in the air like a sticky, stinky cloud. A lot of chefs have found a loophole in the rules. They are cooking their meals piece by piece, then dumping them out and washing the pots. I’d like to think Martha is standing off to the side shaking her head in disgust and vowing to write a crock pot book to help along this generation of ignoramuses.

Prettyish Boy is making a potato risotto and Scariane is making cauliflower puree and filet. She’s cooking next to Ninja Turtle, and she’s wearing a helmet just in case Jamie loses her shit and tries to throw something out of her after snagging the win last week when Turtle was convinced she herself would win. Jamie tells us that she likes to partner up with Scariane because they can taste each other’s food and she doesn’t feel the least bit angry about last week. Then she adds that she’s more innovative and modern.

Streeeeetch!

Fabio tells us that when he was a child he was evil. Instead of beating him with a belt or making him pull weeds like Meemaw did when I took her car for a joyride or made farting noises on the back of my arm in the middle of service at Jesus Chapel, Fabio’s grandma made him stir polenta when he misbehaved. We’re still both assholes, so I think grandmas across the world need to unite and come up with better ways to discipline children. He’s making his punishment polenta for the challenge, which makes me sad. It also makes me want to steal a car.

Martha and Scar come back in after sharing a blunt on the patio and taste dishes. Girl Prison is up first. He gives Martha a big hug and tells asks her why she never writes him back. She totally acts like she doesn’t remember him. Poor guy. He’s made Korean pork stew with won ton chips and since stew usually takes so much time to thicken, he’s added cornstarch to do the trick faster. Martha calls him on the thickening, but it’s hard to tell whether she thinks that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You can tell that Girl Prison thought their reunion would be a lot more pleasant, though.

I’m burning that fucking pancho the second I get home.

Stefan made veal goulash with potatoes and chanterelle mushrooms. Martha takes this time to talk about how she picked Chantarelle mushrooms as a child. Riiiight. If you believe everything this woman says you would think she’s Cinderfuckinella instead of a chronically single bitch on wheels ball buster with a state issued ankle bracelet in her jewelry box. Martha says “good” when she tastes Hosea’s seafood, chicken and chorizo paella, but it’s hard to tell if she means it because she follows that up with “it’s certainly the flavor of paella”. What does that MEEEEAN? She fires people with thank you cards, so it’s kinda hard to read her. Hosea takes it as a compliment and does that awkward goofy laugh thing he does.

Farm Girl Melissa tells Martha that she grew up with an apple orchard as a back yard. I keep waiting for Martha to say “me toooo!” and then go into a story about how she didn’t even recognize the taste of a store bought apple the first time she had one because she was so used to picking them herself. Farm Girl made pork tenderloin with braised cabbage, apple and bacon. It looks gorgeous, but she didn’t really even try to make it look like it was all cooked at the same time. Head slap.

At least pretend you listened to the challenge, Farm Girl. Bad bangs are no excuse for ignoring Martha.

As Martha walks off, Farm Girl says “nice meeting you”. Martha doesn’t answer her back. LOL. Prettyish Boy Jeff’s Potato risotto with pork and brussels sprouts sounds delicious, but it looks like the time my dog Xena ate a piece of beef stuck to a jalapeno that fell onto the floor.

Xena still gets blue in the face every time she hears the words “El Pollo Loco”.

Martha says “interesting” and Scar makes the “oh shit the old bastard wants me to get it all inflated again” face and asks if he used vinegar. He says that there is a bit on the sprouts, and Martha says “pungent”. Then a big deep bass drum bangs. Ha, editors. Well done. That bass drum should follow Martha around so you could understand what she means as a diss. Prettyish didn’t hear the bass drum but knows she hated it because of “this negative look in her face.” At first I thought he meant “on her face,” but when you look hard enough you can actually see it in there, too.

Ninja Turtle made potato and kale stew topped with sage and scallop. Scar gets a “if he doesn’t stop sweating into my eye I’m getting up and pairing his pacemaker with the microwave” look on her face and asks if Turtle considers scallops winter food. Martha comes to the rescue with a lie about diving for scallops in the winter time with her friends in Maine.

Have I told you about the time I built a boat with my bare hands and sailed to England for the proper cow to squeeze cream out of for my annual clam chowder party? Unfortunately, the cow was dead so I made it with tomatoes I picked off the garden on my window sill and invented Manhattan Clam chowder! Then I sailed back to England and catered a funeral for the cow that the Queen came to. She kissed me and I think there was actually a little bit of tongue there.

Ariane is all “hiiiiiiiiii!” like she’s known Martha for years. She says that she’s from Jersey and Martha’s like “me too! What neighborhood!” Scariane looks uncomfortable and skips that question and goes on to describe her cauliflower puree with filet on top. Martha kind of scolds her with a “so much butter” comment, but Ariane widens her eyes and answers “nooo! Creeeam! And I don’t even put it all in! I let it steeeeam!” Martha buys it hook line and sinker and calls it excellent. Score! Scariane’s gonna be mortified when she sees this later and realizes that she had a fag tag hanging out of her baseball cap the whole time.

Someone’s not getting invited over for the annual clam chowder party.

Carla Beaker made a brined turkey breast with apple and dried cherry stuffing. Martha says “excellent” in such a pointed way that poor Beaker ducks under the table and asks her spirit guides to lead her the hell out of there. Fabio’s polenta looks as thick as playdough. When Martha takes a bite, the pile actually follows her fork and stiffens, like she froze it in time.

The Day the Polenta Stood Still

She has nothing polite to say, so she just utters out a low “thank you”. Fabio tries plan B, his charm. He reaches out his hand and she curtly gives him her fingertips. Martha Stewart is fucking priceless.

The Queen taught me how to shake hands like this right before she stuck her tongue down my throat.

Martha says that most of the chefs followed the advice she ripped off from Einstein, but some chefs were too simple. I assume that she’s referring to Farm Girl and Scariane, but then remember that she’s only here to judge the food. Risotto is her favorite thing in the world, which made her hate Prettyish’s starchy heavy potato la salsa dog barf risotto all the more. He literally gets hot behind the collar, which for some reason I find hilarious.

I should have made five additional dishes.

Martha says she was very surprised by Girl Prison’s korean pork stew because she he screwed up something from his own culture so badly. She goes as far as saying that she “hates” the cornstarch thickening idea. LOL. She’ll totally send him a basket of sugar free crunky later to smooth things over. Girl Prison is all upset about it but he doesn’t beat himself up. He blames Martha and says that she shouldn’t “grumble” because he’s sure a lot of housewives and grandmothers use corn starch. Well, she’s neither, k? She’s a chef. Man up and shank the bitch.

Martha was “turned off” by the greyish color of Fabio’s polenta and says that she wishes she could see the mushrooms in it. You can offend Fabio many ways, but using his name in a sentence with “turned off” is probably one of the best ones. Damn you, power of thick accent and greasy charm! Why can’t you work on sexless power hogs? Fabio says that his neck was pounding. Then he makes a furious neck pounding noise for us. “Martha! What a wrong wit you? My a grandma will be so a shame of you you will not believe eet.” No, she will be mad at Martha, but she will be ashamed of you. You will be stewing polenta for a very long time.

In case you didn’t get it the first time.

Martha chose Hosea’s paella as one of her faves because it tasted good and it was actually meant to be made in one pot. She also liked Ninja Turtle’s scallop. Jamie, of course, is very humble and nods like “yes, yes you liked it. Yes you did. Of course you did. Everyone here felt I was gonna win.” Martha calls out Ariane’s beef and says her cauliflower puree was smooth as silk and she’s impressed that there was no butter in it. Ariane says “no butter” over and over again and smiles like she can’t believe this shit. Martha says “from one Jersey girl to another” and names Scariane the winner. The prize is Martha’s new book: “Who Needs a Cock When You Have a Crock Pot?” Ariane is thrilled. Jamie? Less so.

Dammit. That’s the closest thing to a lesbian judge we’re getting.

The Elimination Challenge is to cater a two hundred and fifty person party for AMFAR, the American Foundation for AIDS research. Oh shit that’s the foundation that Sharon Stone works as the spokeswoman for. I hope she shows up and says a lot of stupid shit that makes her look like a raging lunatic. One of my favorite quotes from the political season was from Sharon. “I think Hillary Clinton is fanstastic. But I think it’s too soon for her to run. This may sound odd, but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power, and I don’t think people will accept that. It’s too threatening.” Yeah, Hillary’s definitely too fuckable to be the President. That’s her problem. How would she get anything done when Congress is just one collective boner? Point is, Sharon Stone needs to be on my TV 24 hours a day.

Scar says that in order to get them in the holiday spirit, she’s going to give them some help. Then the Harlem Gospel choir comes in a belts out “The Twelve Days of Christmas”. And when I say “belted” I mean, screamed, wailed, put their hands to the Heavens and felt that shit. I don’t think I ever got the “Partidge in a pear tree” lyric until this chick sang it.

I want to cuddle that Partridge and tell it that everything will be ok.

The look on the chefs’ faces is hysterical. Especially Prettyish.

Please don’t hurt me.

They pick knives to find out their themes, and the knives are numbered. The singers belt out the line from the “Twelve Days” that corresponds with the knives, but thankfully the editors only show three. Sorry Harlem Gospel Choir, but the guy who sang “a Partidge in a pear tree” this time took ten minutes to riff that shit out. I thought for a second that a choir member would be assigned to each chef as an assistant, but then I remembered that Bravo only allows one black person to cook at a time on this show. The guest judges will be Michelle Bernstein and “AMFAR board member, Natasha Richardson.” Natasha Richardson! WTF? I WANT SHARON STONE!!!! I’m sure that’s what the producers of Asylum said, too. Did AMFAR fire Sharon? They’re probably keeping her in the same cage Joe Biden’s in after her remark about the earthquake in China being karma. Or maybe it was telling Puff Daddy at an auction that he should donate more money because “you spend more than that on crack.” Free Sharon Stone!

Hosea pulled twelve pipers piping, so he just knows that he’s gonna smoke something. He says that he doesn’t know what the hell he’d do if he got ten lords a leaping, but luckily Prettyish drew that knife and if anyone who knows how to deal with lords a leaping, it’s the dude who works at the Dildo Beach Club.

pasoidgwrgasdglknsdg;lksdghespldigh

His big idea for the leaping part is to make frog legs. Way to be literal. For the lord part he’s going to find a dude named Jesus and chop his ass up. The lady at Food Whole tells him that no one’s eaten frog legs since the eighties, so he goes with cheeses from Cypress and Santorini and decides that he will explain his dish as “island leaping”. The lyric would also work as “the ten days of farting two rare cheeses are going to cause” but it’s not to be, because I wasn’t around back when the carol was written.

Stefan is making chicken pot pies for his ten drummers drumming and Possible Stalker Leah is going to make braised hen for her three french hens. Creative stuff. Fabio would normally just bone nine dancing ladies, but he can’t win that way this time so he chooses to work with crab legs because “you dance a weed you leg.” Scariane picked six geese a laying so she is going to make deviled eggs. The only time I think I have ever seen deviled eggs served is at the end of the line at Luby’s Cafeteria, so this sounds like kind of a lame choice to me. Not that I didn’t eat them en masse, but I felt tacky while I did it. Who makes deviled eggs in a cooking competition? Ariane is a fruit loop.

Ninja Turtle chose seven swans a swimming and is going to make scallops “swimming” in a sea of vichyssoise. Scallops and soup. Shocking. If at first you don’t succeed, fail and fail again. Fabio’s making a corn and bell pepper crab cake. That sounds delicious right now. I am currently eating a fingernail, though, so it would. Girl Prison is working on ceviche, and since he chose five golden rings, he is going to serve it over rings of pineapple. He knows that if he screws this one up he’s going home, and I kinda fear for him. You know time is winding down because Prettyish is doing what he always does when time is winding down.

Run, Forrest! Run!

He says that as he looks around the kitchen, he notices that everyone else is making very simple dishes and he hopes that Daddy Tom and Scar notice that he’s “running circles around the kitchen.” Ha. We noticed. But you suck half the time and you always run circles around the kitchen. And you’re usually running circles around the kitchen because you’re trying to do ten things at once, which you are also doing today. Way to learn your lesson, dope. The end of the day comes at 2 am, and the chefs shove as much as they possibly can into the refrigerators and go home. The next morning, Scariane earns her name.

In the kitchen, Hosea gives Fabio shit for writing a two page description of his crab cakes. Personally, I think that’s bad ass and I wish that I could tell what it says but the camera man lets me down and doesn’t shoot it. My guess is that it says something like “you is beauteeful” and “I am fresh outta da boat” and “Rocco is no a real Eetalian.” Hosea is very confident about his dish and says that unless the other chefs are serving hundred dollar bills on a plate, there’s no way he can lose. This plus the call on the Sidekick has me very worried for the next taken slab of beef Possible Stalker Leah sets her sites on if Hosea’s kicked off tonight.

They get to the kitchen and have an hour to prep and pack up. Someone has left one of the fridges open! Oh shit. And no footage of who did it is shown. I suspect Hung, but without camera work I’ve got nothing. Come on, camera men! The editors can’t do everything! I don’t buy it. Last season the chefs complained that the new Not Kenmore kitchen appliances sucked ass, and I have a feeling they’re to blame today. Otherwise you know they would show who did it. Best TV ever. Hosea’s meat is ruined, as is Rad’s duck. Ariane and Turtle try to comfort Rad, who’s crying. After offering to help make some more duck, Jamie tells Rad the story of the tortoise and the hare. Not really to inspire Rad, but to remind her that the turtle always wins. Well, at least Jamie’s making some kind of effort here.

Farm Girl’s brie is bad, too, but luckily for her, there’s some gorgonzola lying around. The other chefs band together to help Rad and Hosea. Hosea has found some pork and Rad has all of the non breast parts of the ducks that she prepped yesterday. Fabio and Stefan help out with the meats and Jamie, Leah and Girl Prison chop up some veggies. Stefan says that if you are a decent chef then you would want to help out because who wants to win a race against someone with no legs? AWWWWW! It’s Christmas! It is also Top Chef, and I think this kind of generosity is unheard of. Let’s just hope one of these dishes goes down and Rad and/or Hosea blames the people that helped them. I’m sorry, but if I wanted to see generosity I’d go to a soup kitchen.

Pass.

D. Gail Simmons in a dress made from a potato sack.

When they get to the ballroom, Jamie explains to us what AMFAR is and says that “being a member of the gay community, I definitely think it’s closer to my heart.” Than it is to the other chefs or than the other challenges have been to you? I don’t know which editor this girl pissed off, but she comes off like a total asshole every time she opens her mouth. Cut to whatever the hell Prettyish is making.

What a Fancy Feast.

The plating is underway and the guests start to arrive. Natasha Richardson, Michelle Bernstein and Scar share a smiley toast and then look away from each other like “bitch” “hag” “I hate her so much.” Yup. It’s Christmas!

Scar’s all “got that camera man? Good. Bring on the old fait hairy men with money now, k?

Stefan tells us that he’s in love with Natasha Richardson’s voice and says she can talk to him anywhere. “Yum.” Uh, ew. Natasha gives her “please donate your money” speech to the guests and tells them to leave their AIDS ribbons pinned next to their favorite gift. The queens in the front row say with their faces what the rest of us are thinking.

Please say Sharon Stone’s just in the bathroom.

Stefan made tiny little self contained chicken pot pies and they look delish.

The judges all love it. Rad ended up with braised duck leg on toasted brioche with pear chutney for her partridge in a pear tree. It looks like a giant piece of toast with a tiny bit of duck, but looks are deceiving. Michelle compliments her use of spices. Beaker has the pleasure of serving her food to Kenneth Cole, who is apparently very very scary.

Aaaaaah! Shoes!

He thanks her for doing this event for AMFAR and she says “AIDS and a hundred thousand bucks, honey!” Kidding. She didn’t say that, but god I wish she had. Michelle thinks Beaker’s braised chicken with duxelles topped with a mushroom cap as the shell is too salty, and Daddy Tom ups her with “one note”. Ruhroh. Please don’t get rid of Beaker. PLEASE. She can flare her under chin skin and pop her eyes out of her head! PLEASE!

Girl Prison tells some guests the story about his golden rings theme. Something about his grandma sailing circles around a lake that villagers peed in. Charming. He made poisson cru with pinapple ring and a gold yukon potato chip. Very dramatic music plays as he talks, which means his food most likely sucks. Sure enough, Scar says it’s too sweet, Natasha calls it “a bit of a shock” and Michelle angrily asks “could he have tasted this?” HA. Michelle is a good sit in for Gail because she has retained the nasty attitude Gail had for the first couple of seasons, and she’s also retained Gail’s penchant for buying clothes that are just wrong.

I love you Michelle Bernstein. Now please find a dress in your size that has sleeves.

Fabio has made a corn and pepper crab cake and it looks like it’s trying to hide.

You’ll never catch me, coppas!

He tells a story about how the female crab lays eggs and then dances around them to cover them with sand. Damn, you gotta give Fabio credit. He’s got some great bullshitting ability. Well, maybe not, because Natasha’s smile looks pretty condescending and Scar is completely uninterested. It might have something to do with the scary guy behind her trying to give her cfm eyes.

Sorry, dude. You’re way too young and poor.

Scar says it’s not one of her favorites, Natasha calls it “a bit dense” and Tom says it’s as fat and greasy as Daniel after a rep with his two pound weights on the balcony. Aw, memories. The Ninja Turtle’s seven swans a swimming dish looks like someone stabbed a snail that just drank a lot of water and tried to cover up their crime by throwing a few leaves on top of it.

Poor little guy.

Michelle says “it’s just wrong” and Tom says “it’s bad” and Michelle, not done, adds a “wow.” Ouch. Bet it felt better when you were coming in second. The editors aren’t done with her yet. Cut to a hot man named Cheyenne (and yes I spelled that shit right. Only on Broadway. Or internet porn), who says “it’s a little too slimy.”

You’ve out slimed a guy named Cheyenne. Well done.

I’m happy for Farm Girl, because sweet violin music starts playing during her eight maids a milking presentation, which means she didn’t suck this week. She made a crostini topped with NY strip steak and gorgonzola and a drizzle of cranberry vinaigrette. She tells us “I was inspired by the cow”, and I’m sure that it’s not the first time she’s ever said that. I am touched for her and her cow. Wait. The violin music tricked me! Daddy Tom disses it and Michelle says all she tastes is cheese.

Having fun?

Leah’s three French hens dish is braised hen with butternut squash puree over puff pastry. There are some serious carbs going on tonight. Almost everyone served some kind of bread. And the judges are over the bread, too. Natasha says the brioche numbs the flavor and Daddy Tom wonders why anyone would do that to their food. They don’t diss the actual hen or the sauce though, so she’s probably safe.

Dramatic music starts to play for Scariane. She made deviled eggs six ways for her six geese a laying. Call it whatever you want to, but at the end of the day it’s Luby’s end of the line fare. Natasha loves her traditional egg, but Tom is offended that Ariane would even think she’s going to win a competition with a deviled egg. The cute thing about Ariane is that she actually does think she can win with a deviled egg. It’s part of her charm. Her semi-retarded spray tan soaked brain kind of charm.

I’m so gonna win this thing. And then I’m gonna take the money and buy a unicorn.

Hosea tries to appeal to Scar with his “put something in your pipe and smoke it” explanation of his eleven pipers piping. Tom likes his pork loin with chipotle mashed potatoes and apple brandy jus and Michelle compliments his use of spice. These editors are tricking me left and right today. He talked on the Sidekick and lived to tell about it. That creepy little girl won’t crawl out of the well and try to kill him after all.

And just like that, the spell is broken.

Hosea tells us how much everyone loves his food and blahblah. He has a crowd around his table to back that up, and even gets the name of the chick that says “I know the Top Chef!” That girl better not leave that building alone or Leah’s gonna slit her throat with a plastic knife. Hosea’s collecting ribbons like crazy and even has them pinned to his jacket. He tells Leah about getting hit on and Leah predictably breaks a bottle and starts looking furiously around the room. “I’ll beat her ass!” I wonder if her boyfriend gets Bravo.

Prettyish Boy’s seared halloumi and kasseri cheese dish is also racking up the ribbons. He calls his station a mosh pit. This challenge is kind of unfair. Of course his table is surrounded. By women and a chorus boy. Michelle gives him credit for the “roundness” of his ass flavors.

All these horny women are going to have double cheese farts the whole way home. Have fun with that.

Do foot models count?

Natasha tries to lighten the mood at the table by saying that even though a lot of the dishes tonight sucked donkey bawls everyone worked really hard and it’s really difficult to cook this kind of food in these conditions and at this time of year it’s just nice to have togetherness. Oh cut the crap. Sharon Stone would have tried to strangle someone with her stockings and give Prettyish a handjob under the table before getting wasted and complaining that there must be some kind of surgery to make her son’s feet stink less.

The chefs all have a few glasses of champagne when they’re done, and poor Farm Girl worries that she had the fewest ribbons at her table. Don’t blame yourself, hon. Blame your bangs. Time for Judges’ Table! Since I can no longer stand the personality vacuum that is Natasha Richardson, she has been fired and replaced by none other than Sharon Stone! YAAAY!

What are you gonna do? Charge me with smoking?

Scar calls in Prettyish, Hosea, Stefan and Rad. They are, of course, the top. Rad gives credit to her fellow chefs for helping her and Hosea with their proteins and Michelle gives her credit for juicy duck legs to pair with her toast. Sharon asks her why she looks like she died two weeks ago and then throws a wad of chewed up gum at her.

I don’t know how to answer that.

Stefan says he had chicken pot pie at his first American Christmas and loved it. He’s definitely learning the art of charm from Fabio. Sharon puts one foot on the table. She’s not wearing any underwear. And she still has a landing strip. Come on, Sha. Try a new cut. Michelle wishes his pie was a bit funkier, maybe with the addition of sausage or something with some spice, but overall she loved it. Sharon says that sausage will spice up anyone’s mouth. Tom groans out that the vegetables weren’t mushy. What’s Daddy’s problem tonight? Last episode he was on top of the world and this week he’s pissed about everything. If this show were airing in real time I would understand, because he just got sued for stealing tips from his staff (stealing from Jean-George’s playbook. Not cool.), but this was shot a long time ago. He must be annoyed by Sharon. She’s not for everyone.

Scar says that Prettyish was swimming in AIDS ribbons and Sharon quips that he singlehandedly made AIDS attractive again and now everyone wants it. Michelle liked the spices and the salad, but she didn’t think he needed the cheese at all. Sharon agrees and then does a back bend. Tom looks like he’s gonna kill her. Daddy compliments Hosea’s “perfectly cooked” pork, but no one else says anything about it. Awkward silence. Sharon asks Prettyish if he’s ever fucked on cocaine. He gives her one of his deep, thoughtful looks.

(whistled Andy Griffith Show theme)

Michelle names Hosea as the winner! Woweeee! As a prize, she gives him her first book “Bra? What For?” and giggles like and idiot. She says that since he had some help, all the chefs will be getting a copy! Well, that’s at least a dozen off the shelf, and if she’s as awesome as she seems to be, she’ll at least double that amount in sales. Sharon takes the book, pus it on the floor, squats, and pees. For like five minutes. They have to cut to commercial. Scar is the only one that laughs. Then she coughs really hard.

Girl Prison, Farm Girl and Ninja Turtle are called in as the bottom and Ariane shouts after them “stand up for yourselves! Fight fight fight!” And by fight I think she means cry. Jamie says that she really liked her scallop dish and doesn’t know what the problem was. Michelle gives her a pouty “oh wah” look and tells her that the problem was that her raw scallop was luke warm and it was a slimy mess. Sharon opens her mouth and Michelle shoves a wet page from her book in it before she can make the obvious vagina joke. Tom agrees that dish shouldn’t have been served raw.

Daddy Tom tells Farm Girl that her gorgonzola was overpowering and Michelle takes a solid minute to say the same thing. Farm Girl argues that lots of people loved it and came back for thirds and fourths and Scar makes a “how do I tell him we just passed the point in our marriage that I’m legally entitled to spousal support and I’m leaving him?” face and says that she had one of the lowest number of ribbons. Sharon takes the paper out of her mouth and shouts “IT’S YOUR BANGS! NO ONE CAN VOTE FOR THOSE HIDEOUS FUCKING BANGS!” Farm Girl touches her split ends and looks truly hurt.

The day Christmas died.

Girl Prison is told that his ceviche was so sweet that no one could even taste the fish and he argues that he didn’t even add sugar to the batch they ate, which means the regular guests had an even sweeter version. Did he taste it? He sure did, and to him it was tart. Tom looks disgusted. Scar asks him why he’s so angry and Girl Prison says that he doesn’t even know why he’s in the bottom and he stands by his dish a thousand percent. Math aside, did you learn nothing from Danny’s elimination last week? He was cut because he stood up for his horrid dish. This week, though, Michelle’s here to put a stop to this bs. She gets really worked up and starts shouting at him like he rear ended her in a parking lot.

Fuck you and yo muddah too!

She says that some people tell her she’s good but she doesn’t care because you’re only as good as your last dish and if one person in her restaurant doesn’t like something she tries to find out what’s wrong. “People don’t like it? FIX it!” Oh SNAPPLE! Even Sharon Stone’s speechless after that one. She stands up and says “you are one heartless bitch” and leaves the room. The judges all applaud. This Christmas, Santa brought me a braless hero. Her name is Michelle Bernstein.

I expect to see this face on a tortilla one day.

In alone time, the Judges basically rehash everything, but they hated the scallop and Girl Prison’s know it all attitude the most. Tom says that the food was “universally poor” and that most of the dishes sucked. Michelle agrees and says that she didn’t get any deliciousness. Tom decides to go back to the holding tank and talk to these losers himself. He tells them that the food again was completely uninspiring and even the winning dish was no good.

Sad horns.

Daddy tells them they can’t possibly be happy with their food and asks them for their thoughts. Leah, who is bleeped half the time because she’s always cursing, says that she didn’t think anyone’s food was fuckin’ amazing but none of it sucked. Tom said that they’re looking for amazing food, not a “little throwaway canape”. Always the quick one, Leah takes a moment then smiles and sarcastically asks “like mine was?” and he snaps “Uh, yeah.” HAHA. He continues “you’re not gonna win with a deviled egg!” I wait for Scariane to “fight for her dish” but she wisely disregards her own terrible advice.

Tom tells them to find a way to cook stuff that’s not hideous and embarrassing to Top Chef, him, or Bravo. Predictably, he adds that in the spirit of the holidays and because there were mishaps in the kitchen (ie the Not Kenmore refrigerator is a piece of shit and we were stupid to get rid of Kenmore and if we kick someone off I might get sued. Again), no one is going home tonight. ARGH. I hate when they do this. It makes it all seem like a huge waste of time. On the upside, this means that there’s a double elimination coming up!! WOOHOOOO!!! The chefs are all depressed. Ariane is mortified that she just got dissed for her Luby’s tribute. Even Girl Prison is pissed, and his ass just got saved.

Dude you just got an appeal. Smile or something.

The only one who gets it is Farm Girl, who leaves us with one of her pearls of wisdom: “I need…to cook better food.” Really, really, really good call.

I love you people and thank my lucky stars for you every day. Godallahbuddhaoflatterdaysaints bless you and yours this holiday season. Top Chef will be having an all new cooking showdown with contestants from seasons past next Wednesday, so uh… yay. Thanks for that week off, Bravo! The recap will be in the hizz by Monday morning so see you then! LOVE LOVE LOVE