Top Chef: Monkey Assa Suff Weet Fry Banana Bowl

On this week’s very special Top Chef Super Bowl challenge, we get to give Beaker a dental checkup and Juanita finally gets some screen time.

Thanks for flossing.

Previously, ugly people got some and Rad enrolled in cabbie school. We open this week with Carla Beaker admitting that she dodged a bullet last week when her desserts should have sent her home. She puts an ad on craigslist for new spirit guides and decides that while she waits for applicants to come knocking on her third eyelid, she’ll just share a super awkward breakfast with Hosea.

Beaker: It smells like an ass crack on a summer day in here.

Hosea: Wadn’t me. I have a girlfriend.

Dramatic music plays as we watch Possible Stalker Leah comb her hair, but the mystery of how she combs her hair but still manages to look like the woman in that static cling commercial is never solved. She tells us that she is worried about the effect the failing global economy will affect the culinary industry. Kidding! She talks more about making out with Hosea. But the failing global economy makes me less sick to my stomach. She blames her emotions for getting in the way of her piss poor performance and decides that to turn things around, she’s going to concentrate on….uh….hmmmmm….

…formulating…formulating….

…”I need to cook good food.” Ding ding ding! And just for the record, they only made out cuz they were drunk and she’s totally not that into him and just because she’s carved his name on the inside of her thighs doesn’t mean….sorry but I have to FF through this crap. At breakfast, she tries to bring a lighter spirit to the table by sharing her hilarious grasp on the English language with Hosea and Stefan: “I got doubly shatted on last night.” No one looks like they doubt it, and Hosea does his best to not look jealous. He can’t hide his jealousy of Stefan though, and tells us that he hopes he fails and he wants to take the egghead down. Someone get this man a potato!

The guest judge for today’s quickfire is Scott Conant, who Scar tells us just won a three star review in the New York Times. I don’t get how those food reviews star things. If a movie gets three stars, you’re like “meh”. Basically, Conant’s restaurant scored the same as The Changeling. Conant’s restaurant is way too long and has like ten endings? So not eating there.

Where were we? Since the Super Bowl is “right around the corner”, the game is a football scorecard thingy. OK I know you’re gonna be shocked by this, but I have no idea what any of this means. The only reason I even ever get invited to Super Bowl parties is to entertain everyone’s girlfriends. There’s a big chalkboard and the chefs put their names on a grid and it corresponds to what food they have to work with. My love for Fabio blossoms a bit when he picks vegetables and says “I am not happy weet vege-table guys. Dare ees no reason to eat a vege-table when dare ees any meat or feesh around.” Amen! I would kiss you but I don’t wanna accidentally run my fingers through your hair. I’ll be dropping shit the rest of the week.

Someone’s due for an oil change.

Once they pick their basic foods, they are told what special ingredient that have to work with. They all get oats. ?? The only one who’s happy is Beaker, because she eats Quaker Oats every day. She’s also happy because Juanita and Ronda have apologized and are sitting there quietly knitting booties instead of sabotaging their human host. Good girls!

It’s the Quaker Oats challenge!! Way to work another shit sponsor into a challenge. Quaker Oats? NASTY. I have a secret recipe for the best way to enjoy Quaker Oats. You add water, microwave for a minute, and then you use it as an ashtray so that you don’t have to deal with stale smoke every time you’re done with a fag. This challenge is torture. Next they’re gonna have to make a buffet out of Rav 4 parts.

Bland and tasteless challenge?!? The universe is finally listening! (mental high fives all around)

Jamie the Ninja Turtle picked fruit and oats and has found a way to get away from the traditional Starbucks fruit yogurt and granola cup by adding shrimp to her dish. Is that allowed? She’s coating the shrimp in oats and then serving a nectarine salsa and avocado creme fresh. Sounds delicious, except for the fruit and oats part. And how the hell is Quaker Oats gonna fry? When I put my smokes out in it it kinda plasters around them.

Hosea is making Wienerschnizel, because he used to make it at a restaurant he worked at all the time. You mean Der Wienerschnizel? Because my respect level would totally rise for this guy if that was true. Unfortunately, instead of mustard dogs, he’s coating a really thin meat with the oats. Hmmm. Well I guess that explains how he got fired from a hotdog stand.

Prettyish Boy Jeff beats the crap out of a piece of chicken with a frying pan as he tells us that he’s making chicken with oats, a vegetable with oats, and a starch with oats. A starch like oats? Oat oats. Yum. Scar and Conant are gonna be pooping for days. Nice to see Prettyish concentrating on a multitude of mediocre crap dishes this week instead of just one piece of mediocre crap. That would just be mediocre. He makes me insane. I half wish PETA would show up and beat him with that pan to show him how the poor chicken feels. Beaker puts it more kindly, saying Prettyish is a good chef but he can’t “quiet the creative monkeys”. I don’t get this at first, because monkeys are cute and active, but when I think deeper I understand what she means. Monkeys are just like us, but they play with their poop and no matter how hard they try to communicate with us, we’re always left a bit baffled.

asgihawporgihqervnkbnasdfgobananasoishgaosidhgg

Leah like doesn’t like kinda know what the like fuck she’s sorta doing, so she’s gonna sorta like crust a fish cuz like huh wtf this is like hard wah like. Hosea looks over at her trying to pick bones out of her fillet for the second week in a row and laughs to us about it. I know this goes without saying, but whatacock.

Beaker has nuts and grains, and knows that starting oats in cold water makes them mushy, so she’s using a “pasta method”. Uh, you mean boiling the water first? And that’s great and all, but wtf is this?

Now we know where Gail went. She was chopped up into tiny pieces and shoved into the No Longer Kenmore refrigerators.

Fabio tells us that eet’s keeling heem to be in da meedle so he’s pulling out all the stops to win this quickfire challenge. Then he plates this.

Ironically, this is what your colon looks like if you don’t eat enough vegetables.

Stefan, who chose dairy, made a banana mousse and an oat almond petit four. Conant asks him if the rose on his plate is edible. Stefan explains that he gave it to the Turtle and she threw it back at him and he didn’t have time to take it off the plate cuz time was called. Poor guy.

All that hard work just for a dish to taste like angry lesbian rejection. Sad horns.

Fabio gets all upset when Conant’s only critique for his colon towers stuffed with corn and parmesan salad is a laughing “I think it speaks for itself.” Fabio doesn’t like to be made fun of. Aw! It’s not you. It’s your really bad food. Don’t take it personally. Stefan’s like “oh shit now I’m gonna have to run my fingers through his hair all night and I’m out of plastic gloves.”

That’s what the GLAD bags are for, tiger. Get to it.

Beaker’s chopped up pieces of Gail Simmons turns out to be tofu, which is the one ingredient that can make nuts, grains, and Quaker Oatmeal more disgusting. Pieces of Gail would have at least brought some entertainingly misguided fashion choices into the mix.

Maybe it’s time to let Ronda and Juanita to stop knitting and get back in the game.

Before Conant can call bullshit at the fried shrimp on Turtle’s plate, she jumps in and says that she used fruit three ways. The coconut in her shrimp batter, the salsa, and the avocado creme fresh. He seems to like it, and even feeds her a tiny carrot and pats her shell.

Poor shrimp get dry skin too. Lubriderm.

Hosea mae oat crusted wiener schnitzel with mustard sauce and YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE THIS….POTATO SALAD!! Man, this guy has a religion. And it’s potatoes.

Jesus Potatoes

Leah kinda like sorta made oat crusted branzino and mussels with escarole and bacon. Conant is like “escarole and bacon, huh?” and Leah’s answer is that Hosea wears a t-shirt every single day that says bacon on it and she’s totally not into him just because she loves him so much that she wants to take out his brains and suck them down so he’ll always be a part of her. Scar just looks down awkwardly.

Sorry I asked.

Prettyish made a plate of beige. I mean it’s fug. It looks like it’s gonna go exploring through the jungle, it’s so khaki.

The Three Faces of Herdeherherdebubbadabubbada (stream of spit coming down his chin)

After he says oats a million times while explaining his dish and getting complete silence as a response, he gets that catatonic look on his face and mutters “oh, crazy” to himself. LOL. The monkeys have died.

Prettyish tells us that his presentation may be wack, but Conant took three or four bites of the chicken. Because he was trying to figure out what the fuck it was, you dipshit. Conant calls out Possible Stalker Leah, Fabio, and Prettyish (shocker) as the bottom three. Prettyish tells us “so I guess, uh, doing too much can put you behind, I guess.” How bout that? You know what else puts you behind? Not being able to cook well. But let’s just blame it on your ambition so you don’t have to put your tail between your legs when you’re sent back to The Dildo Beach Club, where what’s between your cheeks is already planned out for you.

Beaker is in the top three! This is good news for Carla, but I’m worried for Juanita and Ronda. They’re gonna knit an entire Cracker Barrel Country Store if they aren’t taken off the bench soon. Turtle’s shrimp is called perfect, and Stefan is the third called out. Stefan wins AGAIN!! Turtle is really supportive.

Always the groomsman.

Stefan says that his hard work during twenty three years in the industry is finally paying off. It’s weird how Stefan bucks the reality competition trend and actually becomes less of an asshole the more he wins. Maybe it’s because he started off as such a huge prick that he had nowhere to go but down. Hosea, graceless as ever, is mad about Stefan’s win and says his head just got an inch bigger. “Hooray for him.” Potatoes! Why have you forsaken me?!?

Scar sends the chefs to the holding tank for a surprise. “A dog??” LOL. No, Fabio, that wouldn’t be fair. Only Hung would be able to work with that. It’s football jerseys! Finally! A game Turtle can win! They all have the number 5 on the back, which confuses Leah. She wonders aloud to the other chefs what the five could symbolize on an episode of Top Chef 5. OY. Prettyish tells us that he really enjoys football but he’s too tiny to play with the big boys. He put it on his resume anyway and it landed him his current job as bottom for The Bears in the Dildo Beach Club’s weekend Slings and Crisco Tournaments.

When the get back to the kitchen, there are football helmets waiting for them. Fabio has his fingers crossed that the challenge will be to put on a helmet and just knock someone off. HA. That would be easier than building colon towers, but not as amusing. Scar announces that the challenge will be called the Top Chef Bowl and they will be playing against another team. Enter rejects from past seasons. Wow. Were I’m Not Your Bitch Bitch and Tiffany busy? If these are the only past contestants that answer the phone when Bravo calls, it might be time to just stop calling and come up with another plan.

Look Fabio! You got your dog after all!

Josie the bulldyke from Season 2 is back, and girl’s had a makeover!! Cute hair! With a little conditioner and her mouth closed she looks much less like Goofy than she used to.

You found hot oils. You’re already a winner.

Andrea, the flake that always tried to make giant salads in Season 2 is here, and she has not found hot oils. She does, however, still wear lots of turquoise and seems as nutty as ever, so yay. Spike from Season 4 is here, and he’s still sticking to his ridiculous hat and his whole not showering or grooming thing. Camille from Season 3 is here too. I recapped that season and still had to pause when she came on to figure out where I knew her from. Then I mentally grew out her bangs and replaced her chef jacket with a bikini. Oh yeah! Nikki from Season 4 is here, and wow. Not enough time has passed for me. Scar calls her the “human pasta machine” which is way more polite that “whiny ass hack”. When Scar announces fruit loop Andrew from Season 4, Beaker’s eyes pop out of her head and she has to chase them all around the kitchen.

Doioioioioing!

If the ship sank at the end of this movie and killed everyone on it, it might have been worth my ten dollars.

If that’s 39 pounds, I’m completely fucked.

I like the before better. The after’s a creep and he’s disrespectful. I just know it.

Is this entire hour gonna be about pooping?





Thanks for your message. I read it in traffic and then mowed down a family of four because I wasn’t paying attention to the road. But at least I didn’t get lost coming here!

Each chef will choose a member of the other team to compete against in a head to head challenge. The money I could make instead of watching tonights episode? Probably about twenty five to thirty for the hour. The look on Hosea’s face when he finds out there’s a strong possibility he will be humiliated by someone other than Stefan?

PRICELESS

Stefan gets to go first and doesn’t even hesitate to choose Andrea the Salad Shooter. Poor Andrea has probably done a lot of cleanses and mediations and retreats and chi massages since getting kicked off her season. Welcome back to reality, sucka!

I’m gonna kill my life coach for making me do this.

Fabio thinks Stefan just picked Andrea because she’s a dimwit who can only make salads and got kicked off in the second episode. Nice to see you’ve put your thinking cap on there, tiger. Choosing to compete against one of the worst chefs? That’s nuts! She’s sitting at home rubbing crystals all over herself right now. Why in the world would she subject herself to this all over again?

The teams huddle up to pick what teams they want, and Fabio knows even less about football than me. OK maybe not, but he knows very little. Since he doesn’t know what any of the teams on the corresponding helmets are, he picks the only one left, the Green Bay Packers. “It’s dee contrie wa opportueetee. Opportooneety to cook something new for me.” You don’t have to actually cook the Green Bay Packers, guido. Fabio’s getting more and more pissed today, and me likey.

Prettyish is going up against Josie, Fabio against Spike (that team’s gonna be ripe), and Hosea will be competing against Miguel. Wow. I never thought I would root for Miguel, but there you have it. Leah’s taking on Nikki (that was lucky!), and Turtle gets Bikini and looks like she won a chicken dinner.

Hopefully after I beat her into submission we’ll have time to eat out.

Bikini doesn’t seem to share in the excitement and actually gets a little snarl on her face. Beaker is last, which means she gets Andrew. Her reaction.

That fish on the wall is singing “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”!

His reaction.

Muppets are real!

They will be cooking the next day in front of a crowd of culinary students and will have twenty minutes to create a dish inspired by the region where their football teams are from. They are given ice chests with the ingredients they have to choose from. Turtle chose the San Fran whatevers, and even though that’s where her restaurant is, she can’t think of one single thing to make. How bout, I dunno, scallops? Let’s see, she’s cooking for her home city, she’s making something for the Super Bowl, she has no excuse. Oh wait. Of course she does.

Girls are confusing.

Get your head out of your vagina, Turtle! She is freaking out and whining that she’s gonna be sent home. Over Bikini! LOL. Beaker says that she’s thought she was going home in every challenge and now Turtle knows how she feels. Then Turtle asks her if she knows what it’s like to only be concentrating on labias when she’s supposed to be cooking.

You’re a lesbian?

Prettyish also chose his home city of Miami. Streeeetch! He’s going to make shrimp and pizza and tamales and lollipops and fondue and peanut butter crackers. Josie, his competition, tells us that a few years ago, she played football professionally for the New York Sharks. Of course she did. This chick is nothing if not consistent.

And….Goofy.

Hosea says he’s keeping his eyes on “Chunk”. Damn!! Is that Miguel’s nickname with everyone, cuz if not it’s rude. I wish Hosea would say half the shit he says in the confessional out loud. I’d like to see him bloody. He thinks that Miguel’s choice of using cedar planks to grill his salmon has “been done.” Thank you, Mr. Potatohead. Miguel isn’t scared. He thinks his team is gonna whoop Season 5′s behinds. Or has he puts it, “they ain’t neva be able to outbeat the gradfatha’s.” I predict a love affair between him and Leah. Could you imagine the dinner conversation? They could double date with Fabio and Stefan and then the waiter could shoot himself.

Spike’s just happy to be back on TV, but his competition, Fabio, isn’t feeling the positive vibes. He’s mad that he has to do something with venison plus make something else in just 20 minutes. Eet’s no cookeen, eet’s rushing. How do you say WAH in Italian? He redeems himself a little by reminding himself that he’s a pro and “eef they gonna geef me monkey ass to feel with fry banana I’ll come up with something anyway.” HA. Disturbing, but still HA.

Beaker is on the New Orleans BlahdyBlahs, and so she’s gonna make gumbo. Andrew says “Dear Season 5, if you don’t bring your A game, you will get stomped and I will pee on your bodies.” Uh, glad to have you back. Across the kitchen, Leah asks Hosea if he’s been thinking about “us” and he tries to start her on fire.

He only burns me because he loves me.

Stefan shares a beer with Andrea and ribs her for being a vegetarian. She laughs way too hard and insists that she’s not a vegetarian, it’s just the rep she got. Stefan tells us that he’s not coasting just yet. After all, “maybe she finally learned to cook, I don’t know.” Oy, poor Andrea. I think she’s at home on her couch right now with this look plastered to her face.

Want to kill self but can’t. Stop. Smiling.

Harry Connick Jr has really lowered his standards.





You might be single cuz you’re eating a Hostess Cupcake in your profile pic. Do it in the dark while you’re crying and rocking back and forth like the rest of us single people.





Global warming killing polar bears! Let’s feed them Noah Wylie! Together we can make a better world.

The next morning, the prettyish guys earn their paychecks and Fabio talks funny for a bonus.

Fabio adds sick mom to his reality show “why I should win” arsenal and then we get to focus on Beaker, who’s playing canasta with Ronda and Juanita.

I had a red three in my foot! Juanita, girl, you ain’t takin’ prisoners today! Ronda, get your finger out of your nose. Other people have to touch those cards!

Stefan starts making fun of her from the kitchen, which catches her totally off guard. Juanita takes over her body and starts singing O Solo Mio.

There’s a new girl in town and she’s feeling GOOD!

When they get to the Culinary Institute for the competition, Scar is there waiting for them in a Foot Locker uniform. And the audience members? Past contestants! Scari! Girl Prison! The kid who wears blush! And he’s got facial hair! WOWEEEE!

Scar tells everyone the rules, and the editors know I am a lazy bastard and type them out for me.

Tackle his ass.

Possible Stalker Leah and Nikki compete first. Leah’s making a seared strip steak. Way to bring your A game, PS. Nikki is making sauteed chicken lives with goat cheese on challah bread. Wow. Thanks for coming by, Nikki, just go ahead and put that next to the Dorito’s and grab a beer. Scar stands over Leah looking really bored.

If I don’t offload some Keds today I’m in deep shit.

Leah is sure she’s gonna win over chicken livers. I guess it’s possible, but she’s just making a steak. At least she brings some excitement to the table.

I just can’t hide it!

PS, the judges are hating their lives right now.

Scar chooses Leah, Toby goes for Nikki, Tom takes Leah and so does Conant, which means she gets seven points for a touchdown. For a seared piece of steak. RIGGED! The student guest panel doesn’t vote with the judges, giving Nikki a field goal and her team three points. Is football really this hard? My head hurts.

Hosea and Miguel are next to represent the Seattle Sangrias. Miguel is making salmon and sweet and sour onions with shitakke bacon. Hosea tells us that Miguel is trying to make too many things so he’s just gonna concentrate on a medium rare salmon roll. How bout you concentrate on making something that doesn’t look like a chopped up finger? No? K.

Daddy Tom is the only one to vote for Miguel. and the students are unanimous Hosea lovers. EW. Then we get to see Josie and Andrew fuck with crawfish before they kill em. If Noah Wylie saw this display he would be mortified. Beaker’s next and she’s scared to lose after Hosea and Leah just scored for her team. She let’s Juanita take over, and Juanita is in the mood for some Ave Maria.

I would just give it to her right now. You don’t wanna mess with Juanita.

Andrew is doing crawfish crudo, which means raw. He announces this in an accent and gets no laughs. It’s awesome. Beaker tells us how she’s all into football and it’s for family togetherness and blah blah. Why are they spending so much time on her today ? SAVE BEAKER! She is worried that she might not have enough time to pull off a gumbo in twenty minutes. No shit, Beak! WHY? She gets all intellectual about it and tells us that it’s either gonna be good or it’s gonna be bad. Well said. Andrew may be annoying, but he sure knows how to bring beauty to the phallic symbol.

Prettyish is so stealing this for his menu.

And Beaker didn’t do so bad in the presentation department this week, either! Go girls!

The judges unanimously give it to Beak! YAAAYY!! Even Tom, who I suspect dreams of her demise.

I’m not wearing any underwear.

Only one student chooses Beaker, though, giving Andrew at least some points. Some people just can’t handle opera. Plebeians! Stefan kisses Andrea and tells us that he appreciates her sportsmanship, which means “suck it bimbo” in Finnish. He’s making “a duo of meat on three salads.” Andrea says she is making her food spicy because it’s how she likes her men. Stefan falls in love with her. I always knew she was gay! She made chili. I’m a Texan, and I have never seen chile that looks like this.

When Wendy’s version looks more appetizing, you need to try a little harder.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Scar and Toby choose Andrea!! HAHAHAH. Daddy and Conant choose Stefan, but the tie is enough to turn his egg red.

The students get to choose who gets the entire ten points, and they give it to Andrea!!! OH MAN! I am loving this. I guess she learned to cook since season 1 after all, ass! The smile is gone when he gets back to the kitchen and he kinda yells and gets really angry that he lost to “the Nazigrandladylatka girl”. HUH? There is at least one smiler, though.

I’m so gonna get wasted and bang Leah tonight and then act like I don’t like her and try to start her on fire tomorrow.

In the other kitchen, Andrew does a really bitter imitation of Stefan. It would be funnier if he didn’t just lose. And if he didn’t look like the mascot for the Fighting Irish. And if I didn’t wanna punch myself every time I saw him.

What the hell happened to Laurie?!!??! If I donate to the starving children would you lift that face? Come on, sista! Fight!





I’m hungry too. But at least we don’t look like Metcalf.

Bikini makes a miso sweet potato mash with mustard crab and salad. Turtle thinks it sounds nasty. Turtle made crab cioppino with olives and toast. Soup? You? At least it’s not blended! You’re expanding your horizons! YAY! Scar and Toby hand their votes to Turtle, but Tom and Conant both choose Bikini. She pulls off her chef jacket and does a belly dance, and the students are grossed out and hand all ten points to Turtle!! Not looking too good for Stefan.

Prettyish and Josie are both doing ceviche, but Josie is serving hers warm and Prettyish disses her presentation. But she just got her hair did! Jerk! His twist is a dallop of sangria sorbet on top and the ceviche is served over a bed of mango. Scar is the only one to choose Josie. HEEEE. She also wins the student vote, bringing the all stars team to twenty six against season five’s thirty four. Well, at least Stefan won’t get sent home this week. I was getting worried.

BS I’m more woman than she’ll ever be. So there’s that.

Prettyish chalks his loss up to his food being “too complex”. I don’t think that’s exactly how they phrased it, but whatever makes you feel better. He says he would have embarrassed to serve Josie’s dish. More embarrassed than you are to lose to it? Just asking. Fabio and Spike are out next and they’ve both brought out the heavy artillery. Fabio has his mouth and Spike has his hat. Fabio is really good at talking and charms the audience with such classics as “I wull be kookene veizone een orderr of de hunting theengs dat eez going on in Weeskonseen” and “eef your food ees as beeg as your mouth you ween for shooer!” Presentation wise, Spike takes it easily. Fabio’s venison looks like it has an infection.

Put a bandaid on that thing. Puss is unappetizing.

Spike wins Scar’s vote, but that’s it. Conant says he overcooked “that poor venison” and Daddy adds “the meat was already dead. You didn’t have to kill it.” OUCH! Fabio does win the student vote, though, bringing home a win for Season 5. They won by four, which is really sad considering they were up against some of the lamest contestants of all time.

F Toby. Bring Tyra on as the new judge!

Back in the holding tank, Leah gets a little drunk and starts taunting Stefan, which is kinda hilarious even though Leah makes me crazy.

Love the sin, hate the sinner.

Hosea is just happy that three good chefs are in the bottom three because it means that he gets to slide by on sheer mediocrity for yet another week. Turtle is happy too. I think she must have finally hooked up with Bikini during break, cuz she’s content and she’s got a gold belt on her head.

I have a feeling Bikini’s pants are falling down right now.

Scar calls in Beaker, Leah, Turtle and Hosea. Fabio turns to Stefan and Prettyish and says “one of us is going home!” like it’s the first time he’s heard about these crazy rules. Toby tries to look all intimidating, which is hilarious because he’s totally not and the chefs are all buzzed and wouldn’t care if he was intimidating.

Looking at the world through piss colored glasses.

The judges compliment Beaker and Toby says he felt the love. HA. Even Tom agrees. Impressive turnaround, Beak! She’s overjoyed. Daddy likes that Hosea put the salmon in an eggroll and kept it medium rare. He also admits he didn’t vote for Turtle but loved her dish and thought it was one of the best of the night. Leah just gets a “nice simple dish.” Conant announces the winner, and it’s BEAKER!!! WOHOOOO!! She won tickets to the Super Bowl! Sweet! She’s going to annoy hundreds of thousands of people screaming “hootie!” every time her husband gets up to go to the john. Beaker is ecstatic, and I am happy for her. But then she kinda takes it overboard and her head almost explodes.

She runs back to the holding tank and jumps up and down and yells about winning and Stefan goes “you’re shitting me!” HAHA. He must feel like he’s in backwards land. Fabio is first to speak to the judges and says that his meat was perfectly cooked but then he put it on a bed of hot cabbage, which made it overcooked.

Coughbullshitcough.

Conant says that intentions aren’t the point and it wasn’t just the meat. The veggies were wilted and the cheese had no acid. Fabio’s all “aceed on da cheesy? Come own! You Italian!” but Conant isn’t falling for any of that and tells him to calm down and just accept that he failed and he’s not a judge. Then Fabio’s all “soccer picante sauce dios mio!” Fabio just got served some Snapple! I’m liking Conant. He should replace Toby. I’m sorry if the words “should replace Toby” appear like a hundred times today, but hope keeps me alive.

Stefan says it’s his first time on the bottom and learns from Fabio. He keeps his trap shut. The judges call him out on making a boring ass dish and choosing Andrea just because he thought he could beat her. Stefan tries to argue that he chose her because “I kinda like her” and Scar’s all “I didn’t know she was gay!” They move on to Prettyish, who tries to blame his craptacky performance on the fact that he had to serve on plastic plates. LOL. That’s good. Daddy Tom’s like uh no. Prettyish gets defensive and says he can’t believe he was beat by a hot ceviche when he did nineteen things. Tom retorts that he was beat by food that tasted better and his ceviche was bland and watered down. Yikes and yay.

Back in the holding tank, Stefan assures himself that he won’t be going home because it was his first time on the bottom. Dunno bout that, cuz Scar is at Judges’ Table calling his salad abominable. Toby tries sticking up for Fabio cuz he talks funny, he’s hot, and ….then he runs out of reasons. Conant asks “what’s Fabio’s point?” I don’t think anyone’s thought to ask that before, and there’s no answer. In the holding tank, Fabio says that the judges not taking the entire competition into consideration and judging dishes week to week is bullshit. Someone get him some cheese for that acid. Tom argues that Prettyish’s dish was shite and he dissed Josie for not making proper ceviche when he didn’t either. In the holding tank, Prettyish says that he though his dish was perfect. These three are in denial, and I love it. They are so involved in their own delusions that they don’t even try to stop Juanita from singing the third act of Dal Basso Della Terra.

Maybe they should stop begging for your Dominos and asking to be taken outside to pee all the time.

Stop looking at me like that or I’m gonna smack you.

The Judges call the chefs back in and Stefan looks like he’s gonna barf.

Tom repeats his disses from before, and Scar announces that it’s PRETTYISH! Shocker. Fabio probably deserved the axe, but he’s too funny to send home. He shakes the judges’ hands and thanks them boringly and Fabio tells them “I a beleeva in a seeconde chances! Viva la revolucion! Puta chinga!”

Prettyish tells us that he doesn’t get how he lost today and that he thought Fabio was gonna go home. Nope! He’s at least entertaining, and you’re…well…

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Next time you go on TV, get a personality. Or at least some dialect tapes.