Top Chef Reunion: Eet Ees Whud Eet Eez

Welcome to the reunion!! The show’s over, but there’s plenty of drama to be talked out. Hoser and Possible Stalker Leah made out, Possible Stalker Leah and Hoser made out, and two fugfugs totally made out. Excited? Me too.

Andy Cohen: Bobblehead

Andy Cohen is bobbling his head like usual. Dude, you’re stealing Stevie’s act. Take some epilepsy medicine or something. You’re making us all uncomfortable. He intros the judges. Daddy Tom gives an annoyed look when his name is called because he has to wake his lazy ass up,

Gail’s wearing yet another blouse that don’t fit,

and Toby Young is just as hot as ever.

Oh yeah and Scar’s here too. Most all of the chefs look the same…

Don’t bother getting dressed up for us.

…with a few exceptions. Girl Prison is pissed off, Ariane looks like she’s ready to win a Golden Globe, and Farm Girl Melissa did something with her bangs.

Was that so hard?

Bobblehead asks them if anyone thinks they are going to win fan favorite and of course Danny, the big scare bear who insists he’s got movie star charisma, raises his hand. Everyone laughs at that.

What’d I say?

Prettyish Jeff thinks that it’s Fabio, Hosea and Fab think it’s Beaker, and Leah thinks it’s Stefan. She’s just saying that to piss of Hoser, and it’s annoying. Can this not be about your sad games? For five minutes? Stefan agrees that it could be him and Tom’s all “Uh…no.” HAHA. Stefan says he voted for himself so at least he knows he got a couple votes. Then he laughs and winks. What the hell? Stefan’s a new man today and is the only one in a suit. I’m still kinda afraid of him, but it’s fun to see him so footloose and fancy free. Or drunk.

Give him time to get it down. The wink is still new to him.

Bobblehead congratulates Hoser and asks him how it feels to win. He doesn’t mention Richard. Who was surprised that he won? Leah raises her hand but says she’s just kidding. Then Hoser says no she’s not because she said when they left New York there was no way he was beating Stefan. HAHAH. And now, for Hoser’s journey.

He’s from a small town, his dad had cancer, and his dentist never showed up for one single appointment. The editors did a nice job of piecing together his wins to make it look like his rise was a natural progression. I think they just used different angles of the same three clips like ten times. Also, I don’t remember Stefan ever saying that he felt Hosea was his biggest competition and had a good chance of winning, but apparently he did. The grossest part is when he won, Prettyish came over and massaged his head.

I’ll do whatever you want daddy. Just please don’t send me back to Dildo Beach. My colon’s about to fall out.

Hoser says he’s gonna spend the money on “different business ventures”. I predict either a potato farm, a french fry joint, or a chip factory. Bobblehead asks the judges how the hell Hoser won. Tom says that Beaker surprised everyone towards the end and her oyster stew and beignet were the two best dishes of the season, Stefan was consistently great and just messed up his desserts, and Hosea stayed in til’ the very end and did some nice dishes. What a ringing endorsement. Toby says it just came down to Hoser having a good day (cough and PARNTER cough) and Beaker and Stefan not having a good day. Gail says it was very close and the judges fought it out. She sounds really defensive, but Stefan says that he’s actually happy he didn’t win. No one falls for that.

Next up is a montage of Euro Love. Lots of egghead rubbing, broken English, and non sexual gayness. Fabio says the thought of actually sticking it inside Stefan in any way makes him barf, but he’s cool with kissing and touching. In the gay community, we call this safe sex. Fabio says that their romance is continuing in LA and insists that he’s into women. Scar assures us that men kissing is very European. Unfortunately, so are infrequent trips to the dentist, which takes the fun away from horny Americans looking to cop a string free makeout session with tourists.

Fabio says that they don’t hold hands, he puts Stefan on a leash. Jim from Boulder Colorado wants to know how he broke his finger. He takes a full minute to say he slipped and when he “look down my figer was a wallen.” Thanks for that fascinating question, Jim. Bobblehead calls them boyfriends again. Yawn. That’s why he makes the big bucks. Then he gives Stefan a shirt that says “I love Fabio.” What a waste of a segment. Why didn’t he ask if Stefan was pissed that Fabio rooted for Hoser at the judging table in the finale? LAME.

Now for a segment about “Kooky Beaker” meditating, sending food out with love, and arguing with Ronda and Juanita. Juanita sang a lot and Ronda tried to shuffle coasters and any kind of paper in a pile. She says that a lot of people say hootie hoo now so she is always getting lost with no way to find her hubby in a crowd. Bobblehead tells us that a bunch of contestants were eliminated on their birthdays. Daniel was first, followed by Girl Prison, Radhika, then Leah. HAHA. That’s funny I never realized that. Danny tells us about his unlucky birthday curse. He’s like Hurley from Lost.

But I don’t have a boner. Weird.

Turtle looks like she’s having about as much fun as we are right now.

You know a PA made Leah put that black t-shirt on.

After a clip of Prettyish boring the hell out of everyone with his endless lists of ingredients, Tom is asked how it feels to be a hero. He saved some chick from choking. Then Gail is asked if Toby is the Simon Cowell of Top Chef. No, because Simon’s naturally witty and funny and Toby’s lame. Gail says it’s in the editing. Clips of nasty Judges’ Table moments. Scar apologizes for spitting out Scari’s food, but Scari still looks pissed. Farm Girl says that getting reamed just makes you stronger. Prettyish disagrees and starts crying and begging to never get reamed again. Fabio whispers that she meant verbally reamed and then Prettyish quiets down and looks embarrassed.

Tom says that they need to grow a pair if they’re gonna be professionals. Lupe from Phoenix asks a pointless question, followed by some dude who asks how stupid Army Wife and her gay friend are for not being able to cook with apples in the first challenge. Patrick says “I made it through!” and Army Wife smacks him. He’s wearing his usual pound of base and blush. Army Wife says that she stands by her apple. Fight for your right to be mediocre, AW! And now for the clips of Fug Mating Rituals.

Hoser and Possible Stalker Leah got “drunk” and made out and then cried about how much they love their significant others. There. Just saved you five minutes. They claim that they thought they had privacy and that the camera man was filming a reflection on the window. HAHA tricky ass camera man. Stefan says it’s not big deal and ugly people do it all the time. Otherwise there would be no one blocking all the aisles at Costco. Seriously have you been there on a weekend lately? Ugly people are fucking, America. Get over it.

Hosea insists that they aren’t the only ones who have hooked up on the show, they’re just the only ones who have been caught. The judges are like “sorry no. Just you.” But wait! There’s more! They both got dumped by their sig others when they got home and basically just meet up and bang right now cuz they’re in different cities. Everyone wants to know if they would relocate to be with each other. Leah won’t, but Hosea is considering it. And now a toast. To blind love.

Video of the chefs making beds out of GLAD bags. Homeless Mia from Season 2 would be so proud. And now for never before seen footage of Turtle and Leah showing up wasted to Judges’ Table. It’s hilarious. They get tanked and then just stand there laughing at everything the judges say. Scar ends it with “Two words, Leah. National. Television.” Darn. I thought she was gonna say “Drunk. Whore.” Either way, that was some good stuff. Who was the biggest crier on this season? Cut to montage of people crying. Scariane wins that prize. I. Am so. Bored.

Clip of Fabio telling us what a ladies man Stefan is. Cut to Stefan hitting on the Turtle and talking about how every woman he comes across is smokin hot. Then he’s rendered speechless when Scar walks in with her nips shouting to the world.

Bobblehead asks why he was after Turtle even though she’s lesbionic. Scar tries to make it better by saying “it’s a chef crush.” Stefan waves her off and says he likes Turtle’s rack. Scar suggests she take it as a compliment. Of course, she would.

Old man traps.

Turtle says there’s not enough tequila in the world to have sex with Stefan. LOL. Were there any funny nicknames this year? Patrick was Pocket Chef and Hoser named HoneyBear Big Gay Rich, because he’s Hoser. Prettyish is Don Sorbet Johnson, Hoser is Old Testament, Danny is Gummi Bear, Scari is Cougar and Leah is Ho Fo Sho. LOL. No wonder none of those made the show. Ho Fo Sho is pretty good, though. Now questions about Gail’s wedding. Who married her ass? Did her wedding dress fit? Did she make it out of a tablecloth? She just says she’s happy. YAWN.

Rad says she didn’t want to be known for Indian food but that’s all she cooked. Why? She claims that she never made traditional Indian food. Why does she look like she died a week ago? No answer. Why is Turtle such a pouty whiner? Montage of her being a whiner and getting mad when Ariane beat her. LOL. I love Turtle. All she does is whine and complain and it’s hilarious. I wish they showed more of that. Tom sticks up for her and says chefs are all complainers. When asked if Jaimie was a big complainer, Danny and Beaker raise their hands. Beaker says it’s just cuz she’s out of her element. Why am I writing this down?

Oh here’s something good. Prettyish is called out for calling Tom’s food boring in an interview and he claims he was misquoted. BULLSHIT you were! He went on quite a bit about it. He back peddles and kisses ass as much as possible and Tom lets it go. Prettyish doesn’t deny, however, that he complained about being used as a sex symbol and sticks with that. He says that he always changed in the closet and maybe should have shut the door. God no, girl, that’s the only thing that kept you on this show. How come there are so many bald men? Let’s have a montage of baldness! Tom says “bald is the new fauxhawk”. HA. So little happened this season that the producers Photoshopped hair on the baldies. Stefan’s is the best.

That would have fried Turtle’s fish.

HoneyBear still thinks Daddy Tom is hot and says that he goes to a bar called Pecs and all the queens love him. Are you guys still reading this? Why? Bobblehead claims that HoneyBear campaigned for Fan Favorite on Facebook. HAHAHa. He owns it and says he asked for help from his fellow bears. Prettyish looks uncomfortable. A fan site made an Obama pic for Beaker. HAHAH.

Hope. Change. Multiple Personality Disorder.

And the winner is….Fabio! Boooooo! Beaker was robbed! Now for a montage of Fabio talking funny. OK I’ve had enough. Sorry for this lame recap but seriously NOTHING happened. Thanks so much for reading this whole season you guys. You really made it fun for me. I am on American Idol duty til Spring and then Big Brother this Summer! STAY SAFE and I will see you next season! LOVE