Top Chef Reunion: ‘Cuz This Is Filler, Filler Night

Hello everybody, and welcome back. Did you all have a lovely Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or Drunken Depressive Blackout? Did Santa bring you the perfect gift, such as booze and gift cards, or did you wind up with something far less desirable, like crabs or a subpoena? Me, I was busy packing on a few more pounds because I still have two pairs of jeans left that fit me, and apparently my body’s intention is to eventually become a “before” picture and wear nothing but sweatpants. Okay, I’ll admit it: I’ve been doing some depression eating since the finale, but can you blame me?…

…especially after everything this non-clapping dickbag put us through?…

…Yes, tonight is the highly-touted, heavily promoted and ultimately boring-ass Top Chef Reunion show. I’m not complaining (unfairly), I’m just trying to set reasonable expectations here, people… these are the equivalent of the hated “clip-show” your favorite sitcoms used to trot-out whenever their writers would have a dry spell… and for this reason Reunion shows are notoriously difficult to recap. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a tad nervous writing this, I’ve seen people get a little het up over this situation in the not-too-distant past. That being said, I’m gonna do my best (and also give a quick shout-out back to Leia LaBiblia who knows all too well what I’m working with here) and see if we can’t make some filet mignon (or at least a filling meatloaf) out of this cheap-grade ground beef after the jump…We start off with Andy Bobblehead Cohen standing in a darkened wine cave.. at least, I’m assuming that’s what it is since there are all these barrels (or maybe they’re “casks”) all over the place…

…and he’s promising to blow each and every one of us if this Reunion show sucks…

Here’s a tip, Andy: less teeth, tighter lips and wider mouth. Kidding! Bobblehead knows how to give a good bee-jay. Anyhow, he telling us how amazing the next hour is going to be, promising that the chefs will be answering “our” questions (such as “How come nobody ever accidentally stabbed Sexist Pigshit five or six hundred times?”) plus we’ll get to see “a sibling rivalry” (zzzzzzzzz) and hear “overdue apologies” (like maybe from the judges to America for picking Li’l Volt as the winner, perhaps?). Oh, and also the shocking revelation that DirtyBear once considered quitting the show. And Mother Volt saying that secretly she felt DirtyBear should have won. And the sound of my forehead thwocking into my keyboard. Basically, Andy’s lying through his unnaturally whitened teeth.

In any case, Bobblehead’s going to begin by reintroducing the judges (in case you haven’t been paying attention for the last fifteen weeks) starting with Gail…

…who’s clearly been on a diet since she saw the finale and noticed how pudged up she was looking, and now she’s ravenous and appears ready to take a huge chomp out of Andy’s thigh…

…as well as Daddy Tom…

…who after six seasons has finally figured out how to doze off with a smile on his face…

…plus the ever-ballooning Scar…

…who wisely wore black so as not to appear too land-mass-like…

…and finally Tiny Tewwible Toby…

…who’s either ready to sneeze or Scar just cut a silent noxious one…

Now that that’s out of the way, Bobblehead welcomes the cheftestants and tells us that Biker Chick wasn’t feeling well, so she won’t be joining us today. Awww, that’s really too bad, because it means we’ll be deprived of watching her sit there and say absolutely nothing for the entire show. On the plus side, we’ll be spared having to see her brassily bad dye-job under hot studio lighting!

Then Andy sends me running for the Pepto as he once again congratulates Li’l Volt on winning the title of Top Chef. You know, a couple of weeks after the finale I thought maybe Li’l Volt might have perhaps watched his behavior on the show, been embarrassed by it, and possibly have mellowed out and deflated his massive ego a tad…

…obviously I needn’t have worried…

Yeah, he pretty much just sits there with his usual sneering “I’m so awesome”-face while everyone claps for him. Bobblehead asks what he’s going to do with the money he won, and Li’l Volt says he’ll be commissioning a sixty-foot solid-gold statue of himself to be erected on his front lawn. At least, that’s what my LaToya Jackson Psychic Abilitiesâ„¢ are telling me he wants to do with it. To Andy’s face he says he’s going to try to start up a restaurant (snooze) where he can serve up plates piled high with his prissy feminine food (including burnt-to-a-crisp broccoli). He also mentions that he and Big Volt have “always kind of dreamed about doing something together”. Oh yes, I’m sure that Big Volt is laying awake nights just dreaming about going into business with his little shit of a brother. That’s why they live on opposite ends of the country. Interestingly enough, they don’t show a reaction shot from Big Volt (which I was dying to see) but Daddy Tom’s face says what I’m thinking…

…that he was rudely awakened by the sound of fresh bullshit hitting the floor…

In any case, Li’l Volt totally missed the opportunity to shake things up a bit. If it had been me, I would have said I was busy building a restaurant made entirely out of glass, in which everybody from the chefs to the wait staff to the diners would have to be completely nude (Tuesdays and Sundays would be Senior Discount Day). Of course I would be lying, but it’s called “having a personality”, or better still “remembering you’re on TV”. Instead, Li’l Volt lets us in on his fascinating plans to maybe *gasp* “take a vacation…. somewhere.” Oooh, from being a smarmy little shitcock, perhaps? One can only hope.

Thus begins the first montage of the night, Li’l Volt’s “Wild Ride” To The Title Of Top Chef… which consists mostly of him being a dick to Big Volt in the kitchen, talking about how awesome he is, plus a recap of several of his dishes. I could have made a .gif of all that crap, but instead I’m going to present for your viewing pleasure what I like to call…

…”Orange Douchlius”…

They also force us to relive his paltry pair of QuickFire and tiny trio of Elimination wins… plus of course the final win, which still makes me gag as though I just saw Jon Gosselin naked wasted. Blech. They really should have shown the horribly pouty ass-faces Li’l Volt would make every single time someone other than His Royal Snotnoseyness scored the win… which happened pretty often. Like, over 80% of the time.

Back in the WineCave, Bobblehead asks Daddy Tom what about the final meal gave Li’l Volt the win. Daddy Tom says DirtyBear had a “difficult night” and that at a certain point they all realized he was “out of the running”, which actually made things easier for them as Judges. Gee, way to rub some fucking rock salt into his wounds there, Daddy Tom! There’s nothing like being basically told “Thank you for sucking so our job could be easier.”…

…DirtyBear’s doing his level best to keep “You’re welcome… asshole.” off of his face…

As for Big Volt, Daddy says his first two dishes just needed some salt, otherwise they were beautiful dishes. So basically if he had used a little Morton’s, we might have about 95% less dickishness in that studio right now.

Bobblehead now wants to know how things have been at everybody’s restaurants since the show aired. Big Volt says his reservations are up 100%, and DirtyBear says he’s seeing a lot of food critics and other high-profile faces that he never saw at his restaurant before. Bobble wants to know who won the most cash in the High-Stakes Challenges, which turns out to be DirtyBear, who smilingly says his grand total came to $45,000.00. Li’l Volt looks like he just swallowed a lemon…

…Gee, I guess he musta forgot all about his poor little $125,000.00 grand prize win, plus $100,000.00 of Macy’s Merch and his QuickFire haul of $20,000.00 cash and a new Prius….

Okay, well maybe the new Prius isn’t such a prize. I rode in the backseat of one on New Year’s Eve and let’s just say they are not in the least bit fat-friendly. In any case, of course Bobblehead has to bring up the fact that DirtyBear’s group had won $10,000.00 in the Restaurant Wars QuickFire, and since they chose to gamble it and they lost the challenge, the cash went to Li’l Volt. DirtyBear says they were all trying to be too nice to one another instead of electing someone as a leader, and it backfired. Then Bobblehead mentions that he heard DirtyBear considered quitting the show after they lost that challenge…. and let’s cue the Montage Of Suckage From Restaurant Wars Annihilation.

After the clips, DirtyBear says he felt like Sticky Wickett suffered greatly from his uneven cooking that night, seems guilty that she was eliminated over it, and that’s why he thought maybe he shouldn’t continue in the competition. Ah, but Daddy Tom jumps in to shit-stir and says he thinks it’s interesting DirtyBear felt that way because he read an interview where Sticky Wickett said she thought Bitter Jen should have been eliminated…

…which gives us one person hating the internet, another one loving it, and one person planning to key the words “POOR DOOR WHORE” on the hood of Sticky’s car…

“You did say that!”, says Daddy Tom to Sticky with a nervous little giggle, who immediately tries to backpedal by trying to make it out like it was a bad group decision for Bitter Jen to be executing two dishes at the same time… but she’s clearly forgetting what a horrible job she did as maitre’d'lusional, especially the way she kept dumping food off at the Judges’ Table without any explanation of what it was, and how she screwed up the timing on several dishes so the diners wound up having to hungrily fight each other for a few lint-covered breath-mints from the bottom of Scar’s purse to tide them over. Luckily for us, Gail Simmons is right there to remind Sticky that that’s the reason why she got sent home. It’s called “The Larger Of Two Clusterfucks Rule”. Sticky promptly shuts up. Gail looks angry. And hongry.

Bobblehead wants to move on, so he brings up the possibility of one of them winning $10,000.00 as Fan Favorite and asks who they think might get it. Sexist Pigshit pipes up and says he thinks Big Volt has it in the bag, which I highly doubt, because while Big Bry was nice enough, he was so chilly and robotic all season that he never connected with the viewers in the same way that DirtyBear did. Anyhow, Daddy Tom tells Pigshit he doesn’t think he has a shot in hell of winning it, which Sexist Pigshit laughingly agrees with…

…which is, sadly, the only perceptive thing I’ve ever heard him say…

The other chefs laugh with at him before they all agree that DirtyBear’s the one who’s really got the best shot at winning. DirtyBear makes a lame joke about his beard winning instead. Scar‘s script tells her to say that she thinks Bitter Jen has a good chance of winning, which is a complete fantasy Bobblehead’s lead-in to cue Bitter Jen’s video montage. This one is slightly uncomfortable to watch because it’s mostly a lot of breathless and flushed compliments from a seriously girlcrushing MaryMann talking about what a badass cook Jen is…

…”And no, I’m not just saying that because I want to nuzzle her milky-white thighs…”…

The rest of it is clips of her being the kind of no-nonsense kitchen-bitch she started out as, instead of the quivering aimless Jell-O salad she became in later episodes. Bobblehead makes sure to point out how much Jen started being hard on herself, which leads into our first Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ from this queen named Jonathan in Grand Rapids, MI, who whines “I don’t think I’ve seen so many Negative Nellies in one room. I thought chefs were supposed to be egomaniacs.” Apparently Jonathan has missed out on, like, every single interview from both Li’l Volt and Sexist Pigshit this entire season, but Bobblehead’s ready with a montage of just about everybody else saying how shitty their food turned out, punctuated by roughly 6,397 bleeped out words and a lot of this…

…which is something I never get tired of looking at…

Poor Biker Chick’s abused forehead! They finish off with everybody using the word “suck” a lot, which leaves the chefs back in the WineCave laughing like that clip was the funniest thing they’ve ever seen. Maybe you had to be there, which, I guess technically we were, but it still reeks of forced and lame (and possibly PA’s standing off-camera and holding up hastily-lettered signs that say “LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY”) and is making me wish they would stop doing these reunion shows altogether.

In any case, after a commercial break and 37 more ads desperately trying to promote Project Runway Part Deux Launch My Line we return to Bobblehead bringing up the competition where everybody had to cook for super-scary French chefs like Joël Robuchon and wanting to know how intimidating that was. Well, duhoyee, Andy, think about if you had to meet and eat with Barbra, Liza, Cher, Madonna and Beyoncé!

Daddy Tom says he’s always wanted to know if DirtyBear (who won the QuickFire immunity that episode and was awarded a seat at the table with the Frenchies, where sadly nobody served them their native toast or fries or cut green beans) if he would have rather been back in the kitchen cooking instead of sitting at the table. Da Bear says duh, it was totally intimidating, especially since he doesn’t speak French, which leads into one of the stupidest montages in the history of this show…

…WHAT ANDY SHOULD HAVE HEARD: The sound of remote controls changing channels all over the nation…

Gosh, can you believe those wacky French guys and their desire to speak their native language when a bunch of them get together? Also, it doesn’t exactly look real awesome for DirtyBear to be all wah wah about how nobody spoke English to him at the table when he had immunity and got to sit down and eat everybody else’s food with the Chef of the Century.

Bobblehead then turns his attention to Sattine, and accuses him of being overconfident in that same challenge because he is French, and did it surprise him that he wound up being in the bottom? Sattine kindly reminds Bobblehead that he is actually Basque and yes, he was always surprised when he was in the bottom. Well, that was quite revealing. C’mon Andy! An eighth-grader on a middle-school newspaper would ask more hard-hitting questions than these! I think he’s just pissed that Sattine keeps insisting that he’s straight.

In any case, after Bobblehead and Daddy Tom stroke each other’s egos over the fact that the Top Chef phenomenon has clearly been embraced by the culinary community (as evidenced by the sheer star power of the guest chefs seeking free publicity this season) it’s now time for the montage where we see how “tough” the Judges are on everybody…

…capped off by Daddy Tom’s super-theatrical spitting out of Sattine’s salty ceviche…

Total drama queen. Time for another Viewer Kvetchâ„¢! This time it’s Danielle from Gainesburger, FL who wants to know which season of TC the Judges honestly think had the best overall food. Well, if the season of the Poopy-Cheeto Erection and Pepto-Bismol soup doesn’t win then I’m through. Before any of the Judges can answer, Bobblehead forces them to watch another craptage of everybody talking about how awesome the chefs are this season and how many awards they’ve all been up for. The best part is Sexist Pigshit saying that perhaps he shouldn’t have come on the show this season since everybody is so talented. I prefer to believe he shouldn’t have come on the show because he is an asshole, but that’s kind of obvious. Also obvious is the fact that everybody believes Season Six is the best evah.

Now it’s time for Bobblehead to bring up that he saw on the blogs where Gay Ashlee thinks Scar doesn’t like him, which causes major blowjobface on Ashlee’s part. Turns out most of the chefs think Scar doesn’t like them, which she pretends isn’t true at all. She claims she only wants to get to know them through their food first, and then after the show is over of course she’d “love to get to know some of you more.”†…

…† *translation* “Keep those dirty dykes away from me.”…

It’s time for that part of the show called “Who Went Home Too Soon?” and of course, the first one to raise his hand and lay claim to that title is Sexist Pigshit (natch!). He says “I felt I only had one bad dish.” which Daddy Tom immediately identifies as his lame-ass “leek scallops” from the Natalie Portman Is A Fussy Vegetarian Episode.

Yeah, as usual Sexist’s being as subtle as a sledgehammer when he claims that if he had just rethought that one dish he would have “been in the competition farther”, which is his way of saying once again that 80′s Hooker should have gone home before he did. How do we know this? Because he also says he knows he would not have won the competition. Funny how he just can’t let it go (and I certainly never will, because truthfully, 80′s Hooker beating him was one of my most joyful moments of this entire season). Bobblehead Andy seems about as disinterested in his bullshit as I am, instead preferring to remind us all of Papi Cholo’s near-murderous exit…

…don’t think the poor cameraman wasn’t fighting a case of the butt-squitters to get this footage…

Papi’s also kinda BSing his way through this, saying “Ai fell eet wazen mai time too go a dat point, Ai wass angree an Ai deeden juan too cho mai angair eentoo ayneeboddy or whudnod… eet eez whud eet eez!” Yeah, except I clearly remember Papi cho-ing his anger all too well by the fact that immediately after he was eliminated he looked ready to choot somebody and then he stomped out of the room, declining to do the professional thing and chake hands with the judges. Why do these people care what order they were eliminated in anyhow? It’s not like there’s so much more prestige (or shame) that comes with going home seventh place versus thirteenth place. If any of them think so, they should talk to Bitter Jen about what it’s like to come so close and miss out on being in the Finals.

Okay, time for another Viewer Kvetchâ„¢, this time from Sandra in Abilene, TX who wants to know if there were any “scandalous romances” this season? Zzzzzzzz. I guess Sandra’s basing her question on the whole Hoser and Possible Stalker Leah thing from last season, which is less of a “scandalous romance” and more of a “bumping uglies” kind of thing. Clearly Sandra didn’t pay attention to all the weird body-language between Bitter Jen and Li’l Volt (and I suspect the crew may have seen something, because they focus in on her… and Sexist Pigshit… which would be less of a “bumping uglies” and more of a “dry heaving” kind of thing). MaryMann tries to cut the tension by claiming that she and Gay Ashlee had an affair…

…ha ha ha, because she’s a butchy lesbiana and he’s a big flamey gay guy, get it?…

Although, MaryMann’s just boyish enough, I wouldn’t put it past Gay Ashlee to do something if he was stupidrunk. Bobblehead looks kinda skeeved out by them making such a tasteless joke, and then cues the next craptage of “other scandalous behavior” which mostly consists of showing everybody drinking their faces off, which leads to things like this…

…soft-core bear porn…

…followed by this…

…to be fair, Li’l Volt makes me want to puke, too…

…which tragically led to this…

…Bitter Jen being assaulted by a drunken Sattine and Sexist Pigshit’s chubby pixellated ass-crack…

They threw her in the pool! Isn’t that hysterical? They are a regular bunch of rebels those cheftestants! Anyhow, back in the WineCave, the clapping for this clip is more sporadic and less enthusiastic (although Sexist Pigshit seems super-pleased everybody had to look at his plumber’s cleavage) and then Bobblehead reads a Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ from Erin in Columbia, SC who wants to know from the Volt Bros if it was “harder to compete against each other versus the other chefs”? Thanks Erin, we had been doing just fine in these past 25 minutes of the show without having to hear from Li’l Volt. Bitch.

So Li’l Volt gives a long rambling speech about how he knew when he arrived that there was at least one really good chef there (i.e. Big Bry) but then he realized as he met some of the competitors that there were other really good chefs there (that didn’t have the last name Voltaggio) and finishes by deadpanning, “I planned on taking Bryan out a little bit earlier than I did.” Everybody laughs dutifully (or the PA’s are holding up their cue cards again) but to me he just sounded like a dick rubbing his brother’s nose in the fact that he won…

…Big Volt looks like he wonders if he still has the requisite arm-strength needed to pull off a megawedgie…

Bobblehead Andy drops a weird bit of Six Degrees Of Douchebag Nation when he says the Volt Brothers have the “distinction” of having had Season Two winner Illyawn and runner up Marcel Turkeyhair working for them at one time (as well as Season Three winner Dung)! Well, we already knew about the Turkeyhair Connection, and Li’l Volt claims that the way Marcel was portrayed on TV and how he is in real life are “two completely different people”. Ah, so it’s the editing that makes him sound like such a jerk? I have a feeling Li’l Volt will be saying the same thing about himself in several interviews to come.

Anyhow, he mentions Turkeyhair was his sous-chef and Dung was a line-cook he worked with years ago, and he used to make fun of them for having been on Top Chef (jealous much?) and claims they were the ones who convinced him to try out. Great, so now we can add one more item to the List Of Reasons Why We Hate Marcel. In any case, this leads into another of Bobblehead’s lovely craptages, and this one should be called “Because We Just Haven’t Rammed The Whole ‘Brothers Competing’ Story Down Your Throats Quite Enough Yet”. I’m not going to bother screencapping any of it, because it’s pretty much all the same petty bickering that I’ve already covered, but what I do find interesting is Big Volt’s expression after the clips finish…

…HA, he’s bored with this storyline, too!…

Attempting to imbue Li’l Volt with a tinge of human likeability, Bobblehead asks if he felt guilty at all for beating Big Volt. He claims he does, and goes on another zzzzzz-inducing speech about how great and inspiring of a chef Big Bry is. I can’t help but feel this vibe that he’s being prickishly magnanimous, and that if their positions were reversed he’d be far more sourfaced and pissy than Big Bry is being right now. Then again, I suspect Big Bry just might be hammered and that’s why he’s so calm.

Then it’s time to bring Mother Volt out again, and I know I said before that she looked a little twitchy, but now I think I finally realized where I had seen her same expression before…

…ACK!…

Bobblehead wants to know what it’s been like for her to watch her kids on TV, and Mother Volt’s very sweet, saying she laughed a lot, but was also clearly embarrassed by some of the stuff they said. Okay, I’m sure she means stuff that LI’l Volt said, but she doesn’t want to single him out in front of everybody. I’m telling you, this woman is a saint. Anyhow, this is where she remarks that she wishes DirtyBear would have won, because as it turns out, she and her husband decided if Big Volt won, they would give Li’l Volt a Harley they own as a consolation prize, and if Li’l Volt won, they would give Big Volt a fully restored ’79 Corvette they just happen to have in their garage (and see, if DirtyBear had won, they wouldn’t have had to give either one of them anything!) As it turned out, Big Volt is ecstatic upon hearing this. Or at least, I think so, he almost looks more botoxed than the Real Housewives. Plus, a ‘Vette vs. a Prius seems like a win in my book any day. With that, Mother Volt congratulates everybody and is whisked away again.

Time for another random montage, this one is dedicated to Island Mon Ron laughing like Geoffrey Holder in those old 7-Up commercials, hacking shit up with swords, saying “Boo-ya-ka!” a lot, and doing this…

…his Sir Mix-A-Lot dance…

I’m not sure why Island Mon rated his own montage, I certainly never thought he was all that interesting, and his frequent problems with fully comprehending the challenges set before them was disconcerting and more than a little sad. But he sure is a jolly fat guy.

Time for Bobblehead to read another Viewer Kvetchâ„¢, this one is directed at Fat Kid and comes from a loser named Bill in Pierre, SD (I’ve actually been there, but location isn’t what makes Bill a loser, it’s his question that stamps him with a capital “L”): “Like you, I still live with my parents and I’m fine with it, but most people look at me funny when I tell them. What’s your reason for doing it, and how does it affect your dating life?”…

…I guess Bill has never strung the words “cheap”, “ass”, “mooching”, “mama’s” and “boy” together before…

Fat Kid claims he was looking forward to answering this question (he won’t be saying the same thing about the next question that comes his way, that’s for sure) and gives a lame-ass explanation about having “made a lot of moves” and “done a lot of weird things” over the last few years, and that coming on Top Chef meant he wouldn’t get paid for “so many weeks” so it made more sense for him to crash at Mommy and Daddy’s place permanently instead of being a big boy and paying rent for his own place. Except the whole “so many weeks” thing is bullshit and we all know it, they film this show in less than a month. Fat Kid lives at home with his parents because he’s a cheap ass mooching mama’s boy. Plus, if you notice, he never answered the whole “How does it affect your dating life?” part of the question.

DirtyBear, however, springs to his buddy’s defense, “It’s not like Eli’s some sort of, like, shut-in sitting down in his parents’ basement at 3:30 in the morning eating cereal or something like that! He’s a normal person.” Sorry, DirtyBear, but “normal” people do not live with their parents by choice. If anything, the situation is supposed to be reversed and your parents have to move in with you and then you get to pay them back for all the shit they did to you during your teenage years, like when they borrowed your paper-route money and never paid it back, or found and torched your secret porn stash, or used up all your marijuana making spaghetti. Or some other nonspecific horrible thing that hasn’t happened to me.

Anyhow, DirtyBear’s speech makes a perfect lead-in for the next craptage, which is all about his and Fat Kid’s friendship…

…I Now Pronounce You Suck And Hairy…

At one point during the clip, Fat Kid refers to the two of them as being “rednecks with a slightly higher-than-average I.Q.” which I find incredibly insulting. Even rednecks would want to get their own trailer away from Maw and Paw’s place. In any case, the clips are mostly of the two of them talking technical science-y stuff with each other, Fat Kid doing his best to try and impress everyone with pseudo-intellectual banter, and DirtyBear saying that if he had not become a chef, he would have been a nuclear engineer. After the clips, Bobblehead calls them a “nerd herd” and DirtyBear makes the rather snotty reply “That’s okay… it’s fun to be smart.” Ouch. This is one of the few times I found him kinda unlikeable, especially since truly smart people don’t say shit like that.

This is Bobblehead’s cue to bring up the fact that DirtyBear was awarded a full scholarship to M.I.T. which he turned down to become a chef. Da Bear says since he didn’t actually go to M.I.T. he doesn’t really count it as an accomplishment. With that little bit of humility I was getting ready to say he redeemed himself for the whole fun-to-be-smart comment. But then he let his mouth keep running loose when he mentions that another reason he didn’t go was because “I realized I’d be the coolest person at M.I.T. and I just wasn’t ready for that yet.”…

…it’s disturbing how much Fat Kid seems to have rubbed off on him…

I just reread that caption and now it sounds dirty but I’m going to leave it like that because I’m annoyed that my sweet DirtyBear seems to be kind of an elitist jerk sometimes. Plus, really cool people actually wash and comb their hair, K DeeBee? Of course, when Bobblehead Andy points our attention to the fact that Sexist Pigshit actually got married at the end of the summer, I’m reminded what a real jerk is like. Naturally, Sexist’s on the defensive, insisting “It’s possible I really am a nice guy, y’know? I’m not malicious, I just speak my mind!” Well, you’re not delovely or delicious, either, and since your mind just happens to be that of a misogynistic fuckwit, I’d say we don’t need to hear it. I love how he’s offering up the fact that he got married as proof he’s not an asshole. To which I would reply, well, even Hitler had a girlfriend.

Daddy Tom further disappoints me when he attempts to explain away Sexist Pigshit’s buttwaddyness as people not understanding men like him and Sexist because they’re from Jersey…

…like Jersey needs to be blamed any further for inspiring bad behavior…

Clearly Sexist doesn’t have the abs required to be The Situation. Actually, neither does Daddy Tom. Anyhow, Bobblehead introduces the next craptage which he calls “Nobody’s Betta Than Me: The Mike Isabella Story” and consists of Sexist saying how awesome he is, how he’s a “force to be reckoned with”, and then a lot of shots of him classily picking his nose, him burping and farting at people, the other chefs all saying how loud he is, his first sexist comment about how “a girl shouldn’t be on the same level” as he is, several more clips of him proclaiming his greatness and how he’s going to be in the finals… capped off by Scar saying, “Mike, please pack your knives and go.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Afterward, Bobblehead Andy wants to know where he gets his “self-esteem” (read: “insane egotisticalness”) and he claims bragging all the time is his way of motivating himself to be the best. Of course, it didn’t work too well for him in this case, but whatevs. Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ time! Laura from Bahhston, MA asks of Bitter Jen, “You appeared to be good friends with Mike I., yet Mike I. said he could cook better than a girl. That’s pretty sexist.” I want you guys to see Sexist Pigshit’s face when Bobblehead reads this…

…”Ain’t it just like a woman to misunderstand a guy like me! C’mon, I’m from Jersey!”…

Yeah, he’s rolling his eyes like that’s the most ridiculous thing anybody’s ever said about him. Or maybe that’s his “Here-we-go-again-with-the-dumb-broads-complaining” eye-roll. In any case, Bobblehead says they got a lot of emails from people calling Sexist Pigshit a sexist pigshit. I didn’t bother to send one, because he didn’t need me to tell him what he already knows. Anyhow, in response to that, Sexist looks over at Bitter Jen and commands her to “take care of this” for him, after which Bitter Jen tells everybody that Sexist is really an extremely nice guy who “sometimes doesn’t edit himself before he speaks.” Pigshit jumps back in to claim he just says stuff because he’s “intense” and then afterward thinks maybe he shouldn’t have said it, and blah blah blah, it’s not personal. I say bullshit, he knew he was being a dick, and there wasn’t a single moment during this season when he didn’t present himself in this calculated fashion. At least he didn’t blame editing like Li’l Volt inevitably will.

Moving on to MaryMann, Bobblehead Andy says they also got a lot of emails after she complained about being forced to cook for the bachelor/bachelorette party when gays aren’t allowed to marry… and then seemingly didn’t make a peep about the next challenge of having to cook for the military in light of the continued policy of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell (a.k.a. “OK To Kill Him, But Mustn’t Kiss Him”). I have to give it up to MaryMann here for doing the opposite of Sexist Pigshit and giving a very clear and well-spoken response…

…”To be totally honest, I was surprised that stating the obvious was such a big deal. Um, by no means do I have a problem cooking for weddings of any kind at all. As for the military, obviously I think that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell should be repealed, but I would never refuse a customer of any kind, that would be totally unprofessional, and it’s a cooking show, and I’m there to cook, but I felt like it was my responsibility to say something when asked point-blank about it. I mean getting married in Vegas is as Vegas as showgirls are, and if two showgirls wanna get married they oughtta be able to.”…

Awww, that was so great, MaryMann, I’m proud of you my lesbiana sistah, and everybody clapped for you! Next time, though, please wash your hair before you go on TV, K? Ask some of your gay boy buddies, they’ll tell you how. Maybe take DirtyBear with you.

The next Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ comes from Mark in NYC who wants to know “Does Robin ever stop talking?” Sexist Pigshit makes sure to yell out “No!” (and Daddy Tom rightly points out that she hasn’t said a thing all night) before Bobblehead Andy can introduce the inevitable montage of 80′s Hooker’s crazy mutterings…

…The Blabby Bunch…

Most of the other chefs in the clips say that’s just how she is, but Fat Kid says it’s distracting and annoying, and Sexist Pigshit opines “I guess she never worked for a chef that told her to shut up! I just wanna stick my clog in her mouth!” Back in the WineCave, Sexist’s just about in tears cracking himself up over how funny he was…

…and Fat Kid’s in tears because Sexist’s shirt is eye-searingly fug…

Bobblehead wants to know if that’s really how 80′s Hooker works, and she says maybe it’s been exaggerated a little (Sexist Pigshit insists it’s not) but verbalizing is just how she processes things, and she jokes with her cooks in her kitchen all the time about it. On top of that Bobblehead Andy reads the next Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ which comes from John in Atlanta, who asks “Why didn’t one of the cheftestants take the mature approach and ask Robin to be quiet for a while? Some of the chefs have leadership roles at home, they could have handled the situation if they chose.”…

…or they could just sit there making fart-face…

80′s Hooker is nodding and says that she had the same question, why didn’t somebody just say “Do you mind??!!?” claiming she doesn’t realize she’s annoying people because she’s “in her own reality” when they were under pressure to cook a dish. Now Sexist Pigshit’s smirking at Fat Kid, and Bobblehead sees this and seizes the opportunity to point out that it seemed like Sexist really had a non-culinary-beef with 80′s Hooker. His reply? “I didn’t really talk to her the entire show because she always talked so I just tried to ignore her… but she would get underneath my skin because she would never shut up.”

Then 80′s Hooker says, for the record, that she never felt like there was any beef with Sexist Pigshit because he actually told her how he felt, she’d rather hear it direct to her face. I guess she’s saying she appreciated his marginally more adult approach, instead of the petty Mean Girls crap and mob mentality that emerged from some of the others later on. Weirdly enough, Bobblehead has a montage of all the 80′s Hooker hating and disrespect, too, which is actually kinda uncomfortable to watch…

…and rightfully so for some of these assholes…

Seriously, they were pretty nasty to her in a lot of ways, her own Restaurant Wars team (consisting of the Volts and Fat Kid) pretty much tried to ignore any contribution she might have made, there was the Kitchen Clean Up Fight (during which Sexist Pigshit coined another one of his witty little bon mots by calling her “Rotten Robin”) followed by the Restaurant Wars “You’re Cutting Your Pithiviers Too Big!” Fight between her and Li’l Volt (in which he got all offended that she used an F-bomb on him after he had been using them on everyone else all season) and capped off by Fat Kid’s now-infamous Using-Cancer-To-Win-A-QuickFire-Comment.

Back in the eerily silent WineCave, Bobblehead ventures that it seemed to kinda turn into high school there after a while. 80′s Hooker agrees that it felt like high school to her, and that even though she knows she wasn’t the best cook in the group, she always tried to stay true to herself as an individual. Meanwhile Li’l Volt and Sexist Pigshit and Fat Kid are all looking bored and annoyed…

…like they’re the cool kids who got caught beating up a nerd and are now forced to listen to a lecture in the principal’s office…

Tiny Tewwible Toby speaks up (for the first time!) and asks 80′s Hooker if she felt like she was bullied a bit. She replies that she felt more like a “convenient scapegoat”. Then Bobblehead Andy strikes in the form of a Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ from Bernard in Hartford, CT, who asks “Why was Eli so mean to Robin? Robin is inspiring, not someone who uses her lymphoma as an excuse.” Finally fifty-two minutes in we get a little meat outta this thing!

Fat Kid’s response? He blames the “heat of the moment” and “the situation” (How did Jersey Shore Mike’s abs get dragged into this thing?) and claims he regrets what he said. He kinda weasels a bit, though, when he brings up that he just did not get along with 80′s Hooker at all, they had personality conflicts and “Sometimes you just don’t get along with people.” Well, I have plenty of people I don’t get along with, but you won’t catch me making light of their cancer. You know, unless they really piss me off. Tiny Tewwible Toby pounces on his lame excuse, and asks if Fat Kid truly regrets making the cancer comment, has he apologized to 80′s Hooker? Fat Kid replies, “I have not apologized. She and I have not had really any face-time to speak of since we’ve been here.”…

…you know, for someone who prides himself on being a “redneck with a slightly higher-than-average I.Q.” it sure seems weird that he apparently hasn’t heard of cell phones or the interweb…

Li’l Volt pipes up to say his conflicts with 80′s Hooker were mostly kitchen-based, and points out that the mothering qualities she brought to the house were admirable because she acctually did clean up the kitchen after them all every day (Fat Kid looks even guiltier now!). He also claims that for all the shit they gave her, she would dish it right back at them. Then Li’l Volt apologizes if he offended her, and she says he’s fine because he’s “straight up”. Ooh, how very Paula Abdul of her! Maybe next she can tell him she’s forever his girl.

Anyhow, with Li’l Volt having beat him to the punch, Fat Kid finally apologizes for “any terse interactions” they had, and also if he offended her, and then makes this weird comment “I hope you can walk away from all this and be civil and all that…”

…”…’cuz God knows I sure haven’t been!”…

80′s Hooker is cool about the whole thing and thanks him, “That means a lot, Eli.” Bobblehead is amazed at this development, “Wow, I can’t get a Housewife to apologize to another Housewife!” Yeah, he’s right there, but that’s because none of the Housewives have actual careers in jeopardy to be worried about, and Fat Kid clearly doesn’t want to go on being known as a Hater Of Cancer-Survivors, or he might wind up being stuck cooking at a Denny’s or Cracker Barrel somewhere in the South. BTW, here’s the shocking results of tonight’s Viewer Poll…

…3. Neither one of ‘em…

What’s weird is that after it stopped on 35% to 65% in favor of Big Volt for several seconds, it suddenly changed to this…

…maybe their brand new Top Chef had a tantrum and demanded it be changed?…

Strange. Anyhow, back in the WineCave, Bobblehead Andy has one last montage to show them, and it’s the bloopers and outtakes, the best of which I already captured weeks ago when it first aired…

…I never get tired of watching the formation of a douche embolism either…

There’s also a lot of footage of the chefs dropping shit on the floor (80′s Hooker hilariously calls out “5 Second Rule!” when Big Volt loses a tray of food) as well as Daddy Tom rolling his eyes during the first QuickFire when Not-So-Pretty had so much trouble shucking her clams, and finished off with Scar’s awesome hostessing abilities…

…well, I’m sure it looks right to her…

Last Viewer Kvetchâ„¢ comes from Derek in Greenville, SC, who wants to know “what it was like serving Padma breakfast in bed”. Well, jeez, clearly there were erections all around until they just couldn’t stand it anymore and they all took turns boinking her and Nigella Lawson! What a lame-ass tardquery! Oh wait, there’s more, because Derek also wants to know what she had on under the robe! “Nothing, Andy.” breathes Scar. My guess is Derek was bopping the baloney pretty hard when this aired. Which, ew.

DirtyBear says that it was somewhat awkward to serve two beautiful women in bed, and Sattine gets all saucy and asks Scar “Eez zat zee day you got praygnand?”, and Scar replies “I did eat a lot of huevos, but no.” which causes pandemonium…

…and convinces me that they’re all hammered now…

Seriously, that was not even close to being as funny as they made it out to be. Scar goes on to say they weren’t wearing negligeés or anything sexy underneath their robes. Of course, this means Sexist Pigshit has to make a creepy sleaze-o comment about how it would have been better if they had. I guess he and Derek in SC have something in common: they both beat off to Top Chef. Blech. I dunno what he’s talking about anyhow, he wasn’t even in the competition for that challenge (because 80′s Hooker outlasted him, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!).

With that, Bobblehead Andy congratulates Li’l Volt one more time on winning Top Chef (gag, puke) and congratulates the rest of the cheftestants on a fabulous season while finally showing us what kind of cheap plonk they’ve been getting drunk on for the last hour…

…Thanks Andy, you couldn’t have just let us go without the damned product placement, right?…

And there we have it, Season Six is officially dunzo! What did you think of this episode? Or this season in general? Were you as disappointed as I was that they didn’t focus more on the cooking side of what went on? Do you think they should just stop having these reunions? And the lame-ass montages? OH, and before I forget, poor Big Volt wound up being the Bridesmaid again in the Fan Favorite competition, because he lost out to none other than DirtyBear (who now can claim $55,000.00 in winnings)! That guy just cannot catch a break. But at least he’s got a ‘Vette.

Thank you guys so much for all your comments and sticking by my insanely long (and sometimes admittedly late) recaps. It really makes the time and effort worthwhile. I’m off for a bit of a vacation, and I’ll see you guys next month when Shear Genius starts up again (if I don’t pop up somewhere before then). Oh, and Happy New Year!

love, J-Mo