This week, Top Chef is baaaaaack!
Finally, lesbian prisoners are given a shot!
First I have to say how great it is to be back recapping this show. It was nice spending last year pigging out while I watched it and reading LoLo’s hilarious work a few days later, but this was my first show here at the gasm and it’s my favorite on TV so I felt it was my duty to threaten to cut LoLo and get it back. Thankfully, she’s very nice and it never came to that. I just had to tell her how pretty she is and rub her feet a little. Thanks, Lo!
This season starts off with a montage of shots of NYC. I lived there for nine years and the most amazing thing to me about the city is that there are so many people and so many different lifestyles squashed into one tiny island that each and every person that lives there has their own version of the place. This is Top Chef’s version:
This was my version:
Padma “Scar” Lakshmi is back, and bitch looks like she smoked a hookah and wiped the pb and j off her mouth right when the cameras were turned on.
Can we stop for a sec? I have cotton mouth.
She remembered to face scar forward, and that’s the important part. Scar’s scar was from a traffic accident or something, but I like to pretend it’s from a knife fight with her maid. Or maybe Gail Simmons got so sick of her stealing food off her plate the first time they met that she cut her. Or she flirted with Brad Pitt at an Adopt Africa function and Laura Croft took a machete to her. Point is, the scar taught Scar to appreciate how fragile and vulnerable beauty is, so it’s the star of her life. You know what else is fragile and vulnerable? Old people.
How could you leave me? COME BAAAACK! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
Scar tells us that this is gonna be the toughest year yet! Then she shows us a montage of the drama to come this season. She starts with this dude, who whines “I already been screwed in the ass by two dishes!”
Wow. They really are liberal round these parts. Next you’re gonna tell me one of the dishes got you pregnant. Again.
Cut to Scar spitting something up in a napkin and then telling someone “I’ve never had something so violently sweet in my mouth.” Violently old and salty, yes. Ok I promise I will stop bringing up Salmon Rushdie.
Sorry to bring up the past. Let’s just pretend your whole backstory belongs to your sister, Scab.
Quick flashes of the four previous winners. At first I thought that California had amended the reality show constitution to remove Hung from the equation and I smiled. Finally, the voters got their heads out of their asses and came through with some legislation that would make this country better. But on slow mo, he’s there. For a millisecond. Ah well, I guess if they keep Ilan they have to keep Hung. Equal rights for douche bags, and all.
The opening credits have so many fresh faces that it makes me nervous. Everyone seems so nice until they open their mouths. Take me for example. I look like the angel on the Charmin packaging. I read Daddy Tom Colicchio saying in an interview that there’s less drama and more serious cooking this year and was instantly worried. What good’s a reality show without dopes to rag on?
Sigh of relief.
The first Chef we meet is an Italian import named Fabio. “Be here to me is big freaking deal!” Here, here, Fabs. I already love him because who doesn’t love a guy named Fabio? In Italy that’s the name to have, and it will be funny watching his confused face when everyone stifles a laugh as he introduces himself in America. Sorry, dude, you were preceded by another.
This Fabio, though, is a stud in his own way, because he looks kinda like a funhouse mirror version of Maks from Dancing with the Stars, who I am currently in love with. I can’t have him, but I have always ended up with the less attractive brother who prefers to cook me things instead of the dashing one that works out a lot, so this crush should be a little bit more comfortable than the unhealthy stalkerish one I have with Maks. I’m feeling uncomfortable now. Moving on.
After dinner let’s invite your brother over for some Boggle.
Next up is Jamie. She is the Executive Chef of Absinthe in San Francisco. She’s got a very sweet face, but just so you don’t think you can mess with her, she’s got sleeve tatts on both of her arms. Just so you don’t think she’s too tough, though, the tatts are flowers and stuff. Jamie likes her menu to be vocal. I prefer silent menus, but I’m old fashioned like that. One time my Meemaw sent me one of those birthday cards that start singing to you when you open it and I sent that shit right back to New Braunfels, TX and waited for the customary ten dollar bill instead. What was I talking about?
Eugene is from Hawaii originally, but comes to Top Chef via Las Vegas. He didn’t have “the privilege” of going to culinary school. That’s a good way to put that, because it makes people who went to college feel like assholes, which I’m all for. Gene worked his way up to chef from dishwasher. The person you never, ever fuck with in a restaurant is the dishwasher. They’re usually batshit crazy and have shivs under their hair nets. I know. I was one. Eugene is a personal chef, and he looks like an extra from the set of Girl Fight.
Michelle Rodriguez didn’t have a lazy eye at the beginning of the shoot. Got me?
Jeff is the retard who is winking in the opening. He’s from a town called Niceville, and currently lives in Miami. I’m from a town called GoFuckYoSelf, and I currently live in East Hollywood. Pleased to meet you! Before we are shown pictures of him cooking, we get to see him surf. He says that he has to look perfect at all times and is constantly asking the food runners if his hair’s ok. Man I wish I worked with this dude, just so I can chip away at that a-hole exterior. “Hey Jeff! Don’t you hate getting pimples in your thirties? I feel for ya! What you don’t see it? Never mind. Is that a grey hair?”
I smell old people. Anyone else smell that?
Radhika is Indian, and she specializes in global eclectic. She worries that people will look at her and think “Oh no. She’s gonna make lots of spicy curries and rice.” It’s better than people asking you to drop them off on the Upper East Side, isn’t it? Ah stereotypes. Good times.
I was just kidding. Hey are you guys out of cherry slushies?
Lauren is a chef from Georgia, and she’s here because she doesn’t just wanna sit at home and waste her life away while her husband’s in Iraq. She would rather entertain me while I sit at home and waste my life away while her husband’s in Iraq. More power to ya, sister. First impressions: very sweet, and cute nose.
Your bangs are rebelling. That’s what you get for attempting the Rachel in 2008.
Ariane is the owner of CulinAriane in Montclaire, New Jersey. Ariane has cutesily named her restaurant after herself, she’s wearing a cutesy matching headband, and it’s kinda cute how she awkwardly keeps staring into the camera. Unfounded pre judgment number one: I’m guessing she will cry a lot and owns a pair of Hello Kitty pajamas.
Come on. I was close.
Daniel is a born and bred New Yawker and he is the executive chef at Babylon Carriage House. He specializes in Italian/Asian cuisine. Hey last night I had Pad Thai and a slice. We’re on the same page. He has been brought to this show for a reason and is convinced he is gonna win it, because “I was so unnoticed for the longest time”. Come on, Daniel. We know you’ve been noticed in that tiny kitchen.
Could you get your ass out of my way before I burn three dinners?
Well, you’re noticed now. Does your shirt really say “Trust Me I’m Perfect?” Really? That space should be used for some vertical stripes. I like Daniel’s positive thinking, but I think facial hair says a lot, and his is shaved into the shape of a sad clown frown.
A smile? Or a frown? Both. This man is blowing my mind.
The contestants all eventually arrive at a ferry and introduce themselves to each other. Lauren the Army Wife starts jumping up and down and squealing. That must mean a gay guy has entered. FINALLY. With some guys you can’t really tell at first, but before he even speaks we know that a.) Patrick has a fag hag, and b.) his eyebrows are ready to go straight from work to the midnight show lip synching the Lea Salonga role in Miss Saigon at Lucky Cheng’s.
I’d give my life for yoooooou!
Patrick went to school with Army Wife, and he is here to share his passion with the world. He assures us that he’s got a lot of it. Other things Patrick has a lot of: Makeup. Different overly earnest patronizing faces. Makeup. Did I already say that? He’s a culinary student and knows that he was born with an innate talent that not everyone has. Other things Patrick was probably born with: one long eyebrow. A mom with a full makeup cabinet. A base coat. He seems like a sweet kid, but the graphic on his t-shirt is a cork screw that’s going right through the middle of his chest.
That can’t be a good sign.
As the ferry pulls away from the dock, Stefan, a Finlandian German guy, tries to impress Fabio with his Italian and Fabio’s like yeah yeah pizza bagel that’s great. Stefan has lived all over the world. Adventurous, cultured people move from place to place often. So do serial killers. Stefan is a pretty rigid German with piercing blue eyes and frankly, I am afraid of him.
The Iceman Cometh
Richard is a gay, and he says that what he’s most excited about is seeing what Padma’s wearing. LOL. He’s a big honey bear and his t-shirt graphic is an old lady in a walker, what’s not to like?
The ferry docks and the chefs make their way to a park, where we meet Leah. Leah’s a toothy girl who tells us her mom says whatever you do, don’t cry or you’ll look like a little bitch. We have the same mother! I wonder if, like me, she will often cry and look like a little bitch.
Advice? Don’t cry. Eat. A lot.
Scar and the ever young and gorgeous Daddy Tom meet up with the Chefs and Scar talks about how tough New York is. She would know. She came to this city and made it the hard way. She found a rich old dude and made him hard. There over 650,000 food service industry people there and she’s shared a bowl with more than half of them. “If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!” That doesn’t rhyme, but it’s Scar, and that’s just part of what makes her special.
This season is all about eggplant.
Time for the first Quickfire of the season and oh burn someone’s getting eliminated. Harsh. I likey. The looks on the chefs faces are priceless. Jamie’s head literally retracts into her body like a turtle.
Eugene is admittedly worried about going home first, but Army Wife is positive that she can handle cookin’ in New York City! Hicks with chipper attitudes are usually the first ones run down by cabs in NY. They can’t stop looking at the sky and shaking their heads in amazement.
The challenge is a three parter. The first round is to perfectly peel 15 apples with a knife. The top nine move on automatically, and the lower 8 will have to battle it out in the next round. Fabio tells us that he’s not going home over an apple. “Not even if I have to swallow da happle ole.” Calm down there, tiger. This isn’t The Search for the Next Pussycat Doll.
Stefan is the first one done, and Carla makes it into the top nine, too. Carla wants to prove that caterers are just as talented as restaurant chefs. No one said they weren’t, defensive. Carla looks paranoid. Like any second someone’s gonna throw a ball and hit her in the face.
That light’s bright. Wait. Is that a train? AAAAGGGH!
Stefan wins immunity for finishing first, and he says that now everyone’s looking at him different. They’re not just scared now, they’re terrified.
The bottom eight have to compete in the second challenge, which is to brunoise two cups of apples. Daniel speeds through it, wins and is quickly joined on the safe side by three more people. The bottom four are left to compete in the third leg, which is to make a dish using their apples.
Radhika is worried about the time limit, because twenty minutes is barely enough time to get your knives in order and your spicy curry ready to go. Come on now, haven’t you ever seen this show? It makes me crazy that I am forced to call a twit like this Rad, but I don’t want to keep looking up how to spell Radhika, so Rad it is. She tells us that she’s gonna make a chutney with Indian flavors while singing a Bollywood tune and smoking a hookah, because she doesn’t like when people automatically stereotype her as an Indian chef. Head slap.
Leah notices that Rad is using pork, so she drops her pork idea and goes for scallops instead. Lauren is making a salad with bleu cheese and bacon. Oh, no, army wife. That bacons gonna wilt your leaves. How many people have never seen Top Chef before, raise your hand! After Army Wife’s apple salad is followed by Patrick’s apple salad, Rad’s pork with apple chutney looks downright brilliant. Leah tops her in presentation, though, with her seared scallops and dried apple salsa.
Sure enough, Daddy liked Leah and Rad and tells them that they’re safe. Patrick puts on some blush and holds Army Wife’s hand to wait for the news. And…commercial!
I’m sorry, but this is just wrong. That hot air balloon is going to explode this kid’s brain.
I miss you already, baby.
Army Wife is out! Poor girl! Patrick tries not to get mascara streaks on his face and instead chooses a giant grimace while he talks about how sad he is to see his hag walk off. They didn’t even send a Rav 4 for the poor thing.
It’s gonna be a hard, long walk back to the Lifetime Network.
The remaining contestants are told to go back to their luxury loft and chill in the hot tubs so see who can get drunk the quickest. Wait. Scar’s keeping them all there to pick knives. Damn. This season’s harsh. The knives have different neighborhoods on them, and the chefs are paired off to create a dish inspired by their given locations. Some of the neighborhoods seem pretty simple to figure out. Chinatown will have dead ducks hanging upside down all over the place to use as your ingredients, Little Italy will have lots of pasta and giant beach towels with Rambo’s face on them. But the Rambles is confusing to everyone but the bears and Patrick, and Tranny Pike is a real conundrum. You don’t want to make a hot dog if it’s gonna offend someone.
The twist is that the pairs will be sharing neighborhoods, but they will cook head to head in the end, leaving the losers to stand in line for elimination. So all those partners that were just hugging now look like they are about to eat each other’s throats out. OK now it’s time to chill at the lofts. Have fun! Wow. Bravo went all out this year. Their living spaces are amazing. On the deck, Jamie gathers the homos. Huh? Only Honey Bear and Patrick? I thought a lot more of them were gay, but I just assume everyone’s gay until proven otherwise. It’s a much easier way to live. When Prop 8 (which amends the constitution to ban gay marriage) was passed here in California with 52%, I thought 52%? How are there even that many straight people in California? I’m still waiting for an answer.
Jamie has decided that the gay trio assembled will be called Team Rainbow. Finally, the gays are working together. If they lose they can protest a few churches or send white powder and threatening letters to Mormons. Go, mos!
Is Celine really retiring her Vegas show? Discuss.
The booze is broken out and everyone gets wasted. Finally. I was getting worried for this cast. Something I really love about chefs is that there is no fakery. No “just a drop I really need to concentrate so I can look professional” and blah blah just because there are cameras around. They’re like “we’re not working, let’s get fucked up!”
Why don’t you each just carry around your own box?
As in life, the alcohol starts hitting the blood stream and people start shit talking. It begins with Stefan and Fabio joking around about their thick accents. As Fabio puts it, “we are both European, we both like a soccer, and we kind of a bond together.” Aw. I understand. The best relationships in my life have been with people who know very little English. They all think I’m really sweet. Until I change the locks on them and leave them a note with a solitary sad face on it. Every time I go to Home Depot, I’m checking out the illegals looking for work out front. Sorry. Gay marriage is just on my mind today. It’s been that kind of week here in Los Angeles.
Cut from the smiling and laughing to Stefan’s disgusted face. He is deriding Danny for thinking vinaigrette is an emulsion. Stefan can’t believe that anyone could be so rideeculows, and instead of just letting it drop, he goes on and on about it and tells Danny to get a life. Stefan won’t stop about the emulsion, but the argument’s become about something else. It’s the Europeans are smarter than Americans game. All we care about are Big Macs, guns and porn. Well guess what? We also care about violent video games, giant cars, and plasma TVs. So suck it!
Danny tells us that he doesn’t like how Fabio and Stefan act like Americans are the ones who talk funny. “You’re in my back yard, buddy!” Amen. Now press two if you want Spanish. He shows his annoyance to us, but stays pretty calm with Stefan, who is still going on about emulsion. Fabio laughs and puts his arm around Stefan. “Welcome to the USAAAY!” What a prick. If we’re all so stupid, how come it’s you people who haven’t discovered Right Guard? Danny flashes Fabio a robot assassin look.
This has the potential to be the best. Season. Ever.
Google could have solved this one in ten seconds and saved some feelings. Here’s what I found out. The short of it is, to quote the author of that article, “I’m here to tell you bitches, you’re both right.” The next morning, Stefan and Fabio wake up with their eyebrows shaven off and dicks drawn all over their faces with a Sharpie. Kidding, but they’d better watch themselves. Americans know how to argue, too.
Carla tells Ariane over breakfast that everyone seems really nice here, but their personality flaws will be glaring in the kitchen as they start to lose their shit. They are also generally glaring when you’re having private time with the camera. Ariane tells us that she’s insecure and is uncomfortable with how people are always telling her how awesome she is. She’s here to prove to herself that she’s as amazing as everyone tells her she is. And just like that, HATE. I hope she gets tossed first. Or second, I should say.
The pairs are shipped to their assigned neighborhoods. Honey Bear and Jamie make their way to Astoria, where the Greeks dominate. HBear is worried that he and the president of Team Rainbow have to go up against each other. Gays and lesbians shouldn’t fight. Ever. The girls win and it’s just embarrassing. Hosea and Carla are sent to Brighton Beach, where they find out they are stuck with Russian food.
Don’s Groceries: Bring Me Your Hungry! Bring Me Your Poor! Bring Me Your Hairy Back! Potatoes 3 for a dollar.
Hosea can’t understand any of the labels and thinks he is going to be in trouble since he hasn’t been to Russia. You don’t have to have been to Russia to know that pickled pig’s feet are gross. Just make it work, buddy! Carla is more positive about the assignment, but it’s that forced creepy tree hugger positivity and it’s making me uncomfortable. No one in the the store seems to speak English, which means they must have minds of two years olds. Carla asks a lady about the caviar she’s buying. “Is it yummy? Yummy? Is it yummy?” She pats her tummy and bugs out her eyes and coos. “YUMMY?” The poor old woman is like “bara binga poodie poo” which I think means “get the fuck out of my store you whack job.” Carla tells us that she has faith that she will be led in this challenge by her spirit guides. “That’s just how I do it.” Ah, those spirit guides and their obsession with catering chefs. When are the rest of us gonna get a chance?
Stop appearing out of nowhere, spirit guides! You scared me!
Ariane and Stefan are in Long Island City and they will be creating Middle Eastern dishes. Ariane doesn’t know a thing about Middle Eastern food, and when a clerk tells her that the can she is holding is of fava beans in olive oil, she gives Stefan a scared look. LOL. She does put them in her basket, though.
Fava beans in oil? That’s insane. These people are trying to change the way we look at beans and they must be stopped.
Danny and Patrick are in Chinatown. Patrick isn’t afraid of Chinese food, because he took a class in school about food from Asia. LOL. He chooses black rice noodles. He’s never worked with them before, but figures hey, a noodles a noodle, how hard can it be? This guy has disaster written all over him. He starts telling Danny his plan for the dish, and Danny asks us WTF this guy is thinking talking about his dish to the guy he’s competing against. “It’s like we’re playing a game of football…” stop there. Already lost us both on that one.
The Chefs arrive at the Not Kenmore kitchen and squeal and jump up and down before getting to work. Jeff, the dude who thinks he’s really pretty, is doing Latin. He’s very confident because he lives in Miami, which has a giant Latin population. It’s like how I’m from a border town in Texas so I felt completely justified not going to work during the “A Day Without A Mexican” rallies. Pretty Boy thinks he’s ahead of the game so he decides to add some side dishes. We just saw an “up next” preview of him running around the kitchen freaking out because he hasn’t finished anything, so I am psyched to see him squirm.
Are those crows feet? Just asking.
Stefan warns Patrick that his fish is in the oven and it’s on too high. Well, isn’t that sweet of him! Emulsion. Vinaigrette. Go. Hosea and Carla, who are competing against each other, are working side by side. Things are going smoothly for Hosea, who bought trout filets, but Carla is realizing that the whole fish she bought has bones in it. Der. Her spirit guide is fucking with her. I am starting to really like that ole guide.
Honey Bear is making lamb sliders. As he gets more and more nervous, he starts talking more and more. He’s standing next to the President of Team Rainbow, and she doesn’t wanna talk at all. He can’t really help himself, and I think that they are both gay keeps her from turning him into a straight woman.
As their time runs out, Ariane is a bit behind and Patrick realizes that he has overcooked the black rice noodles. He wasn’t expecting them to come out how they did. Who didn’t see that one coming? Right now they’re a massive FAIL, but he’s sure that he can figure out a way to make them less gummy. He is on Team Rainbow, after all.
Poor Cher can’t turn back time for herself. She’s certainly not gonna do it for you.
Pretty Boy realizes that he hasn’t started plating yet and only has three minutes to go. Worse, he has one eyebrow hair that’s totally sticking out. Time is called and he’s not done.
C. Carla and her vindictive spirit guides.
The Judges come into the kitchen and today they are joined by world famous Jean-George Vongerichten, who is known for earning four stars from The NY Times at the age of 29, his multitude of upscale, highly starred eateries, and the lawsuit brought against him by waiters who alleged that their tips were being stolen by management. This made me kinda hate the guy for the longest time, but when he settled the case for 1.7 million bucks, I switched to wanting a job at one of his restaurants. 1.7 million? IN TIPS? Not that blogging about reality shows isn’t making me totally rich. Anyway, at the site of Jean-George, Stefan pees a little. He’s worked with…well he’s worked an event…ok he saw him once at the Bellagio. HA.
Calm down, teenage girl. Miley Cirus is just a person.
Jean-George is with Scar, Daddy Tom, and my girl, Gail “BURNT CHARRED EEEEGGGS” Simmons, who today is dressed like a pregnant Peggy borrowing one of Joan’s day off dresses in Mad Men. Gail still doesn’t have a mirror or gay friends, apparently, and I love her for staying so true to herself.
Consistent, stunning lack of self awareness? Check.
Stefan and Ariane’s Middle Eastern dishes are the first to be put in front of the judges. Ariane’s lamb chops went over well across the board, but her risotto was way undercooked. Stefan got a unanimous pass from the Judges on his Lamb Chops with tabouli salad and beef skewers with onion and yogurt sauce, and Tip Stealer says he loved his use of cinnamon. Then Stefan’s panties are flung in his face.
Honey Bear and Jamie are out next, and HBear is all aflutter when he sees Daddy Tom. Hilarious. He actually blushes and starts sweating as he tells us that Tom has nice eyes and he would try to get him wasted if he saw him out in the bars. Love it. Their theme is Greek, and HBear made lamb sliders with orzo feta pasta salad. Jamie seared some bass and put it over eggplant puree. The color composition is hideous. It looks like a rotten egg. She also added in her “deconstructed Greek salad”, which is the same as regular Greek salad but with less of the good shit in it. It’s like the Weight Watchers version. Yes, it’s pretty and tiny, but get me more fucking feta cheese before I bite a chunk out of your arm.
Daddy Tom and tip stealer liked both, but choose Jamie’s because Honey Bear’s lamb was dry and overcooked. Honey Bear looks upset, but his boner is still visible. Rad is up next with a Jamaican dish, and her hope is that her competition’s food is worse than hers. Way to reach for the stars, girl. Even though her aim is low, it still misses. She does jerk halibut over three bean rice with mango salad. It looks pretty enough, but Gail thinks she was off texturally. Jill, her competition and a girl that we haven’t discussed here yet, did plantain fritters under jerk scallops. She also made three different vibrant sauces to represent the Rastas. Her scallops were a bit overcooked, but Daddy liked her sauces and thought the dish was creative, so she wins. Rad sulks off and tries to figure out a better goal system than sucking slightly less than everyone else.
Fabio and Pretty boy are next with their Latin dishes. Fabio comes out of the gate babbling jibberish, and it’s the first time the judges have heard him speak.
He says that he will be reading what he made because he doesn’t want to mess it up. Daddy Tom’s face is frozen. It’s really funny. He made mango and jalapeno pork with a mushroom and avocado salad. The avocado salad is pretty bad ass. The avacados are sliced and molded around the rest of the salad. Pretty Boy’s coffee seared tenderloin with plantain and black beans with rice looks like it was lumped onto the plate at Luby’s, but Tom is the only one that doesn’t think it tastes way better than Fabio’s so he wins.
Hosea and Carla are out next with their Russian dishes. Hosea battled his initial confusion by squeezing as many ingredients as possible onto an artful dish. His smoked fish trio with caviar, creme fraiche and apple chutney looks gorgeous. Carla’s, not so much. She made smoked trout and salmon cakes over potato latkes. Her spirit guides told her to make her dish an impression of her scared about to get a ball thrown at her face look. She really needs to stop listening to them.
Tell that dish to stop looking at me with bug eyes. I’m getting uncomfortable.
Gail didn’t like her salad, and Tip Stealer says she needs some sauce work. Daddy Tom loves Hosea’s work and Scar says that he had a culinary eloquence that won it for him hands down. Carla starts swatting at the air, finally realizing that her guides have made a fool out of her.
Leah and a sort of hillbilly girl we haven’t really met yet named Melissa are up next with Italian. Leah made farro risotto with seared red snapper and mushrooms. There’s a lot of brown on that plate. Melissa did a seared rib eye steak with fried mushrooms and tomato sauce. Daddy Tom tells her that her dish would have been a winner with just a bit of salt and pepper, but Leah took this one.
Patrick and Daniel are next with Chinese. Daniel made a poached chicken salad with bok choy, mushrooms and fried wontons. Scar gives it a dirty look, which is rude. Just because something looks like hair clogging up a drain doesn’t mean it will taste bad.
Patrick made seared salmon and bok choy with black rice noodles. Man, he really should not have used those. Sure enough, Scar calls him out on the gummy noodles and Tom calls the dish one note. That doesn’t mean Daniel’s in the clear though. Jean-George says his salad is too wet and Daddy Tom says Wolfgang Puck has been making the same salad for twenty years. Ouch. Gail didn’t like either dish, but chooses Daniel. The rest follow.
Alex, the guy who talked about getting it in the ass by two dishes in the beginning of the show, is up next. He’s going against Eugene, the lesbian prisoner guy. They made Indian. Both did well with the judges, but they were most impressed that Eugene made a classic Indian dish perfectly without even knowing what he was doing. He wins it unanimously.
In alone time, Daddy Tom says that overall the Chefs are pretty good this year and there isn’t one person who seems like they shouldn’t be there. He picks Patrick as his bottom, because he just has that look about him. Also, his dish was pretty bad. Gail liked Rad the least, and Tom says they should bring CulinAriane into the bottom too just to teach her a lesson about undercooking risotto and coming up with really stupid names for restaurants.
I am so sure Kelly Rippa does laundry.
Scar calls in Stefan, Eugene and Leah from the winning group, and she takes Patrick and Ariane too. Everything is lit purple for eliminations, and it’s skery. It could be to intimidate the chefs, or it could be to make Padma feel more at home.
Puff puff give.
Daddy Tom tells Leah that he thinks she has her finger on the pulse of New Italian, and Tip Stealer lavishes praise on Stefan and tries to give him back his underwear. Stefan turns red and starts making out with the back of his elbow. Every judge has something nice to say about Eugene’s Indian dish. Scar reminds them that in every season except season 3, the winner of the first challenge went on to win the show, and then she announces Stefan as the winner today.
Once the judges are alone with the bottom two, Scar asks Ariane what she was thinking. HA. She says that she didn’t understand the culture very well but Tom stops her and says that the problem was her risotto was so undercooked. She counters that she shouldn’t have called it risotto and he laughs and says it doesn’t matter what she calls it, undercooked is undercooked. He continues that it’s pretty basic to know how to cook rice and grains. Thankfully for her, they still have Patrick to contend with.
Patrick says that he was going for a “clean” Chinese dish, which sounds kinda racist. Tom says it was sanitized and boring, and Gail says that Chinatown is a very important part of the city and he should have added more to the dish. One knock off Kate Spade purse could have made a world of difference. Daddy Tom chalks it up to inexperience, and Padma turns her attention back to Ariane, who says that being from Jersey, she has no excuse because she has access to all the neighborhoods from today’s challenge. Well, Jersey has access to all of Manhattan’s salons too, but Jersey hair is still prevalent. Go fig.
Did you guys know Greeks put fava beans in oil? What retahds!
Tom asks her what she would do if someone came into her restaurant and asked her to make a Middle Eastern meal and she says she would look at books.
Scar asks them for their closing arguments. Ariane says that “I have a lot to give! It’s all here!” No one knows what that means. After an awkward pause, Patrick takes over and says the reason he should stay is that he’s the youngest and most inexperienced chef here. Dumbass. The judges send them both back to the holding tank, where Ariane says she doesn’t wanna go over one silly mistake and Patrick tells everyone that he’s here to share his passion with them.
Tom didn’t like how Patrick threw some noodles and bok choy on a plate and called it Chinese, but Gail thinks that since Ariane was on par with a student, maybe she should go. Tip Stealer thinks Ariane’s work was better and if she hadn’t screwed up the risotto it would have been good. Tom can’t get past the fact that she made such a basic cooking mistake. They call the two back in and….Patrick’s out! But he wants to share his PASSION!
Next week, Martha Stewart shows up, Ariane cries, and Stefan is a dick. See you then! And thanks for reading! xo