Top Chef: Shell Game

This week on Top Chef, Ripert is back and he’s hornier than ever.

Beaten cross eyed.

We open today with our favorite egghead. Stefan feels guilty that Prettyish got sent back to a very painful life at the Dildo Beach Club when he himself made very little effort last week. Sure if he got kicked off it would hurt, but at least he wouldn’t have to go back to a bunch of queens in South Beach with endless bags of toys and traffic cones.

Fabio tells us that it was his first time on the bottom (anyone buy that? Raise your hands) and he needs to win an Elimination Challenge soon. No you don’t! Just thicken your accent some more and show the judges your bonbon as much as possible. It’s gotten you this far! He calls his wife on the Sidekick of Doom. Meh. I don’t buy it, tricky editors! There’s no way he’s going home before Hosea, Leah, Beaker…damn the list of mediocre chefs is long. When Fabio’s in my mental top three there’s some trouble in the casting department.

Point is, he’s on the phone with his wife. I don’t understand a thing either one of them are saying, and I think the editors/subtitle writers are in the same boat, cuz they’re obviously making shit up. I’m no linguist, but I am sure the following translation can’t be accurate:

Anka bebe monkey dante!

I’d like to think his wife is being supportive in a tough love kinda way and saying something along the lines of “America’s as sick of your fucking ravioli as I am babe. Stretch it a little bit because I’m tired of living in your grandma’s guest room, k? Love you! Don’t f anyone or I’ll cut your greasy ass! Ciou!” She assures him in English that their restaurant is doing fine, and he says every time she tells him everything’s fine he walks into a disaster area. HA. They’re cute.

Hosea, cocky and assy as usual, brags to us that he’s the only American male left in the competition and he’s “gonna take these zeroes down!” And….potatoes. Beaker is thankful to Ronda and Juanita the spirit guides for helping to pull out her recent wins and says that she’s underestimated by everyone but she might have a chance after all. Then Ronda starts an argument about the big bank bailout and Juanita ignores her and starts singing the end of Madam Butterfly. I just don’t get why no one takes these three seriously. They’re all adorable and intelligent.

Scar is waiting in the Never Gonna Be Kenmore Again Because Having Cheap Ovens That Fail Often Is Way More Entertaining For the Audience at Home Kitchen with none other than Eric Ripert! YAY! I love Eric because he’s one of the few French people that doesn’t make me feel like mud because I’m chubby and also because he didn’t even try to hide his lust for Marcel when he guested on season 2. Just in case you forgot, I dug up a pic from the past of the first time he laid eyes on the cute little Monkey.

Gives a whole new meaning to “Monkey Assa Een a Clowna Shale” don’t it?

Fabio tells us “he’s da god of da French Chef” and Hosea smiles from ear to ear, because French people like potatoes fish and he’s a potato seafood chef. I can’t tell who Ripert is looking at yet, but he’s already totally framing out his crotch.

This dude’s sluttier than Michelle Bernstein. And they both need bras.

The Quickfire is a precision knife skill test. They will have three rounds of prepping fish and they’re starting with two sardines, which Juanita tells us in a Mary Poppins chimney sweeper voice are “a lihuhl tiny”. LOL, Juany. Beaker comes back and says she’s nervous cuz she can’t stop staring at Ripert with his hands around his crotch like that.

Down, girl! Ripert likes his fish on his plate.

Hosea, as usual, can’t help but compare himself to a chef way out of his league.

Inside voice.

It’s awesome to see Hosea, after two weeks of dissing Leah for not being able to properly bone her fish, hack his first sardine to bits like a caveman. He says that he’s “the fish guy” but he usually just orders boxes of frozen filets from Costco and isn’t used to actually having to deal with, you know, skill.

PETA’s gonna be waiting outside.

Beaker is first to be judged. Yikes. Her poor fish are a mess, and she knows it. Scar asks what happened and Beaker answers “Girrrrl!” HAHAHAHA. She cracks Ripert up by telling him that they both know her work is a mess. “We all know what it eeeiz!” so just save her some pain and move on. LOL. He does. She tells us that she pushed him on because her fish “looked like crapola…” beat “even by my standards.” Bwahahah I LOVE BEAKER.

You guys died for a hilarious cause.

Possible Stalker Leah complained and whined the whole time she worked, and tells us that she knows she needs to redeem herself because of her embarrassing fish boning skills seen on the show so far. The practice seemed to help, though, because she did a decent job and Ripert gives her props for getting all the bones out without hacking the poor little guys up into pieces. Stefan has some bones sticking out of his sardines, but Ripert is impressed that he at least got them both done and they are kinda decent. Jamie the Ninja Turtle says she has never in her life cleaned a sardine.

Ya don’t say.

Fabio starts off with “I am EEtaleean!” Yeah no shit just hand over the fish, Luigi. He does and they’re great. They look good and are smooth. Hosea opens with an apology for owning a seafood restaurant and not knowing how to clean a sardine. Ripert lets him off easy and says he did just fine. Leah and Fabio are the top two and Turtle and Beaker are on the bottom, even though Ripert is still laughing at Beaker. She says “you don’t need to say why!” They are out. Round two’s challenge is to fillet an Arctic Char. Leah whines and complains the whole time she works again. It seems like she says “I give up!” once a week at least, but this time she really did give up. Why is Leah still in the game? I don’t expect anyone to have an answer, but it had to be asked.

She couldn’t finish so instead she decided to craft out a warning to Hosea.

She pouts and smiles to Ripert, but honey he’s the queen of the pout smile so just save it. Hosea is disgusted that she gave up. I’d love to be in the room while Leah watches these episodes at home and sees him stab her in the slouchy back every single week. Stefan left a lot of flesh on his char bones and admits that he’s not so happy with it. At least I think that’s what he said. I’ve had to rewind every time he’s opened his mouth tonight. I think the blow to his self confidence has seriously affected his diction.

Fabio didn’t do too hot on this challenge, but Hosea was almost perfect. Ripert puts Leah in last place for giving up and sends Fabio to sit with her. Hosea blows a kiss to Stefan, his only remaining competition. Tomorrow he will wake up and tell the cameras it was a mistake and he really loves his girlfriend and blahblahblah. Hosea’s cocky attitude is instagone when a fresh water eel is revealed as the final round. Ripert explains that the eels are dead, but because of their strong nervous systems they might move around a little. EW!!!!! And they are moving! A lot!!

Skerd?

Stefan says that where he’s from peeling an eel is “like riding a bike”. It comes across as a defense of his personality, like “I peeled eels as a child. What do you want from me? All I wanted were toys.” Hosea looks like he’s gonna barf, and Stefan looks like the devil finally came through on that deal they made when he committed whatever crime he committed that has him moving from country to country.

I knew you would come through, Satan!

Stefan immediately hammers a nail into the eel’s head so it will stay put while he yanks off its skin. Stefan is one scary motherfucker. Hosea copies him and just does his best to keep up even though he knows his chances are slim. Ripert is impressed, saying that the eel is perfectly filleted. Then he gets that old boner glimmer in his eyes and says in his deep sexy voice, “and your station is clean.”

Peel my eel.

Uhh….check please!

Ripert tells Hosea that he didn’t do too bad but he kinda butchered the eel and his station is messy. Snapple! Hosea tries to win him over…

…but Ripert has already chosen his Cabana Boy for the night. Stefan wins! Scar tells him that he doesn’t get immunity but will get a great advantage in the Elimination Challenge. Stefan good-naturedly says “like last time?” HAHA. Hosea doesn’t try to be big about it, telling us that Stefan’s been working with eel “since he was three” and “yay there’s another reason you’re so great.” I hope Stefan opens a seafood joint right across the street from Hosea’s and reminds him of his mediocrity every day for the rest of his life. He can call it the “I Know How to Clean Sardines Grill and Bar”.

This bitch stole my jeans!

Rad got a makeover! Now she looks like the hottest dead person ever.

The next day, the chefs get all dressed up for a very special lunch at Ripert’s restaurant. Repert is so cute and charming and nice. He serves them a six course meal, and Turtle knows this drill, because she’s seen the show before and knows she’s gonna have to figure out how to make this stuff in a little while. Top Chef doesn’t serve anything but Doritos and Pabst Blue Ribbon unless they’re getting an episode out of it. She inspects every inch of her food before she eats it.

Yay football. I also like Animal Planet. Soooooo how’d you make this exactly? Could you write it down for me?

Fabio looks directly into the camera to tell Ripert how much he likes mushrooms. Ripert’s like hulleow I’m over here, rude.

Genuine Face.

Then Fabio tells us that this is just how the food is in his restaurant. RIIIIIIGHT. “Eez ow I like eet. Perfekly eggseguded no foofoo.” I am too lazy to pull up Google translator but I think he just said “ravioli” ten times. Possible Stalker Leah tells us that she’s like so like in awe of the food and she’s totally gonna follow Ripert home until he makes an honest woman out of her. Turtle says the food’s delicious, but she’s totally bored and uninspired by it. Man, I know. If only he could sear a scallop six times and serve that with something…, I dunno. Blended? Stupid Turtle. Her arrogance annoyed me so much that I pressed pause and looked up her restaurant’s menu. French onion soup, baby green and romaine salad, fruit scone, sticky bun, granola, eggs, garlic flatbread, hamburger, kobe steak, and french fries. Fucking revolutionary. You’re a corn dog away from a call from Michelin.

Everyone else is very charming and complimentary. Beaker has a nice chat with Ripert and tells us that growing up, Juanita wanted to major in theater and Ronda wanted to major in Canasta but cooking won out. Now, Beaker just wants to be one of Ripert’s dishes when she grows up. As the sixth dish is served, Turtle tells us it’s her least favorite and she doesn’t like the sauce and she doesn’t like celery anyway and why would you braise it? Corn dog. Just work on a corn dog. Since we all know from past experience that they’re going to have to recreate these dishes, and we also know that I am way too lazy to type out six dishes with this many French words in them, here they are for your viewing pleasure.

And this is the prize. Beats a set of steak knives!

Daddy Tom says there’s another course. Wait, where the hell did he come from? He’s been there this whole time? All these bald heads have me confused. It’s like when I hold the mirror up behind my head to make sure I got everything and look at that mirror in the mirror in front of me. The baldness goes on for eternity. The next course is the block of knives. Ronda grabs one and tries to swallow it but Beaker slaps her own hand and says that “the next course” thing was just Tom’s way of sounding clever.

The Elimination Challenge is, of course, to recreate each of the six dishes they just ate. Stefan gets to choose which one he wants because he won the Quickfire and he takes the lobster, telling us that he’s already figured out the ingredients. Hosea tells us the only reason he took that is because it’s the easy way out. Poor little Hosea. Compete with Leah and save yourself some face, you hack. Beaker is instantly nervous and says “it’s like recreating the Garden of Eden!” Find a way to recreate grass and Scar will give you this whole thing hands down. She picks Escolar and Hosea chooses the Monkfish knife, which is just brilliant because Monkfish is often referred to as the poor man’s lobster. Leah gets Mahi Mahi, Fabio picks Red Snapper, and Turtle pulls Black Bass, which is the dish she just said she hated the most. HAHAHAHAH. I swear sometimes I think God watches this shit.

When they get to the kitchen, all of the ingredients are laid out for them, so they have no excuse for not being able to figure out what is used in each dish. Beaker is nervous because she’s never oil poached a fish before, and Turtle has to ask Hosea to help her take apart the Serrano ham she was given to use for her sauce. When you’re leaning on Hosea, it’s time to just go home. Stefan is confident as usual, and says that the lobster is a classic French dish and the most important part is getting the shell off properly. Then he takes a bit off and says “like this. The butt.” HA. Leah says that at her restaurant she’s the lead fish cook. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!! She is confident that she will do ok with the butchering part, even though she admits she messed up last time. She doesn’t add “and the time before that and the time before that”, but that’s what I’m here for.

Hair product. Please.

She’s having trouble figuring out the sauce and Stefan helps her. We don’t hear what he says, but Leah decides that she’s missing butter. Hosea is at a loss because he’s not a “schooled chef.” Girl you get schooled every week, what are you talking about? He can’t figure out what to do with his ingredients but figures the egg must be used to batter the monkfish. Fabio knows it’s going to be tough to compete with Ripert’s thirty years of experience and he’s gonna bring some Italy to it. Oh no. Don’t do that. “We add on da same boat der.” No idea.

Ripert comes around to check on progress. Stefan’s only mistake is that he cooked the asparagus and wasn’t supposed to. He tells Leah that her broth is too intense and oily and she should use some of that oil in her hair to calm down the stringiness. Beaker’s fish is good, but the sauce needs more acidity to balance the richness. As he walks away, Juanita air pinches his butt.

OMG huss you’re gonna get us in troubs!

Hosea asks Rip if his crust is right and Ripert is like uhhhhh….no Ho. Ripert leaves the kitchen and wishes them good luck without tasting Turtle’s dish. WHY? “Cuz I didn’t have time for him to.” Oh man, Turtle. This is not the way to bring home a win. Focus on going home a winner and getting to throw the first pitch at the next San Francisco Women’s Softball League game! Pull it together! The Judges arrive and Daddy Tom says that the chefs are probably shitting themselves. Fabio’s Red Snapper is out first. He worries that his bread is over done, but there’s no fixing it now.

The judges agree that the bread is overdone and cut too thick, but Ripert likes it overall. Tom says it’s like art forgery. It looks good but you can tell the differences. Ripert takes this as flirting.

We weel be zo appy.

Leah’s next, and she’s having some major issues. Her fish isn’t cooked all the way and she doesn’t think she got the miso right. Dramatic music plays as the Mahi-Mahi comes out, which is bad. For Leah. It’s awesome for us.

No one’s impressed. Bland, too much ginger, overcooked not under. Toby bends Ripert over the table and starts making out with his cornhole. I could tell you what he said, but all I could concentrate on was the Baby Herman head diving into the pasty French butt. Scar coughs out some resin and starts giggling. “Congratulations, you are the Top Chef.” Ah, Scar. Never get sober babe.

Stefan’s not worried about his lobster after seeing the other dishes go out. He knows his sauce is thicker than Ripert’s but he’s calm about it. Scar calls out the thick sauce, but Ripert kinda compliments him for using his hands instead of a blender. No blender? Another reason why Stefan and the Turtle can never be together.

Scar says that her lobster is exactly the same and the sauce is great even though it’s too thick. She adds “he’s actually nipping at your heels” and Ripert answers “one more deesh like this and I will have heem biting heez own heelz.” Beaker is running behind because her oil isn’t hot enough to fry her potato chips. The chefs help her plate and her dish makes it out in time.

Ripert immediately notices that the chips aren’t crispy enough, but thinks that she was very loyal to the original “and I tink she got eet!” Even Tom likes it, saying it was one of the hardest dishes to make and she did a really good job. Go, Beak! Back in the kitchen, Hosea is telling us “I’m the seafood guy!” Yeah, you keep saying that. If someone out there ever starts to believe it, raise your hand and explain yourself.

Daddy Tom says Hosea’s a seafood chef, but he says it in a disappointed way. There’s too much za’atar and the fish isn’t cooked right at all, and Tom says Ho will be a laughingstock of his kitchen if he gets eliminated on this one. I’m pretty sure his staff is already fairly amused by now. So far it’s the least precise of all the dishes. Oh man my fingers are so crossed! Toby says nothing, which is a sign of good luck. Turtle’s out last and the Battlestar Galactica “A Bunch of People are About to Die” drums are beating. She feels good about her work until she finds that her celery isn’t soft enough and adding to the drama, it’s too salty. There’s no time to fix it, so she plates it up and then Six the Cylon comes in and shoots her in the head. Drum beat crescendo.

Scar makes an ugly face when she tastes the celery. Tom gives Turtle credit for cooking the fish well even though she boned the celery and Toby says he disagrees and “it’s not merely unremarkable, it’s remarkably poor.” How witty. Tom won’t look at him, but smiles good-naturedly and says “it’s not as easy as it looks”. HAHA. In other words, it’s easy to make lame plays on words less intellectually stimulating than jokes from the inside of Bazooka gum wrappers, but it’s hard to actually, you know, COOK. So suck it, you hack critic! Ripert agrees that the dish isn’t easy. Toby, not able to let it go, says Turtle saw Ripert pull of a high wire act that he made look easy and then tried to recreate it and fell to the ground face first. No one has an answer to that because it’s such a pleb metaphor. Also, everyone knows that the example is meaningless because turtles are incapable of walking high wires and if they were and one fell off, its head would retract into its body before its face could be affected. DUH.

Who eez theez ezzole?

Back in the kitchen, Hosea wonders what they are going to say about his fish. Leah says “it should have been seared more.” And look at that, Ho, she said it to your face. Imagine that.

Oh wah. Plastic bottles are ruining the world. I’ll just go back to throwing them out my car window when I’m done. Happy?

Fabio, Stefan and Beaker are called into the Judging Room as the top three, which gives Leah and Hosea time to figure out how to get rid of Turtle. Toby tries very hard to look important.

I’m making poopy in my dipey.

Stefan says that he enjoyed cooking things he grew up with. Ripert loved it and Tom did too even though the sauce was too thick. Fabio’s bread was on the edge and it was very good even though it tasted a little different than the original. Beaker says she was honored to cook Ripert’s food. He asks her how she knew that her sauce was supposed to be a Barouge instead of a Béarnaise, which is how the menu describes it.

Is that baby pooping his diaper?

She answers that when the sauce gets cold you can see how much butter is in it and realized it needed more. Toby says it was great and if he had to come up with a name for it, he would call it “Pablo Escolar”. Beaker laughs politely, but WTF? Pablo Escolar is a famous coke dealer. So it’s as good as coke? Someone please explain this douche cuz I don’t get it. And if that is what he means, well, babies shouldn’t do coke. Even if they’re in their forties.

But it explains a lot.

Stefan wins! And Beaker? Not pleased. I really wish I knew what was going on in her head right now.

You better sleep with one eye open you Nazi fuck.

He won a book, a week at the Ritz Carlton while he follows Ripert around three of his restaurants, and a trip with Ripert to the Food and Wine Festival in Pebble Beach. And, of course, a new French houseboy. Holy shit! Well, we know now why Beaker didn’t win. She has a jayjay. Stefan better bring a pillow to bite, cuz that’s gonna be one rough week.

When Fabio announces that Stefan won again, Turtle is the only one polite enough to at least give a half assed round of applause. Scar asks Hosea if he’s surprised to be on the bottom when he’s a seafood chef. He says he’s never used the spice and it was the hardest out of all the dishes for him to make. Ripert says the sauce was fine, the problem was the fish was overcooked. HAHA. Daddy Tom says he didn’t rest the monkfish enough and Hosea knows it. Tom says it’s good he knows what mistakes he made. Since when? That’s some new bullshit rule that’s never been used before. Usually Tom’s like “you knew then why did it suck?”

Leah’s plan of action is to act like a bimbo. Like oh my gawd your version is sooooo good like how did you do it? You’re amaziiiiiinnnnnggg! Ripert falls for it and tells her how to do it and Leah pretends to listen.

I’m just a giiiirl!

I’m in so much hate right now that I’m just going to pretend that Toby’s not here. So Toby didn’t say anything. Tom grills Leah about giving up in the quickfire and she stutters that she regrets it but she didn’t give up today and she tried really haaard! Turtle says that she isn’t surprised she is in the bottom and she knows that her celery was way too salty. Scar says she would have sent it back if she could have and switched it out for some potato skins and a pitcher of beer. But Turtle understands what she did wrong. No one cares? Didn’t think so. Turtle adds that the original wasn’t her favorite dish at lunch. Ouch. Well there’s the nail in your coffin, idiot. Could Hosea and Leah seriously beat Turtle?!?!? I won’t believe it. I just won’t.

In alone time, Ripert says Hosea’s monkfish wasn’t even close and Daddy Tom can’t believe Leah thought there was butter in the sauce and she shouldn’t stick around when she can’t pay attention or get anything done. Wait. Remember in the kitchen when Leah said she was having trouble with the sauce and Stefan came to help her out ? Did he sabotage her? I have no way of knowing for sure, but I like him more just thinking that could be true. Scar hated Turtle’s celery, but Tom argues that at least she knew what her mistakes were (ok at least he’s being fair with that one) and it would be better to keep someone who knows what they’re doing. And yet….THEY DON’T!!!!

TURTLE’S OUT!!! COME OOON! How in the world? I don’t even know what to say right now. Who is Leah blowing? Today? It’s not often that I am speechless, but well, there you go. You guys talk now.