Top Chef: The French Scare Everybody

Hi again foodie fans! While I was in Las Vegas last week a good friend of mine convinced me and the BF to travel with him to Chinatown there (no, I didn’t know Vegas had a Chinatown, either) and we had lunch at an odd little place that was kind of in the middle of a Chinese mall of sorts. The food wasn’t bad, but there was this weird smell that kept hitting us (kind of a mixture of cat pee and desperation) and it kinda put me off my Warr Su Gai. After lunch we wandered the mall and noticed the closer we got to this little smoothie shop, the stronger the stench became. Finally we had to turn around at the Creepy Geisha Doll Storeâ„¢ because it was just far too stinky to stay there. The weird thing is, the line at the smoothie shop was spilling out into the mall, and I suspect the source of the foulness was some ingredient they were using in their products, and these people were apparently not bothered by it at all…

…this is the best visual representation of desperate pissiness I can think of…

…my point (and I promise I do have one) is that Americans don’t always understand when people in other cultures like to eat really vile things, and we shouldn’t let that stop us from buying an 18-inch geisha doll whose eyes follow you all over the room (or a backlit island sunset picture that has a built-in undulating-waves-on-the-water feature). And on tonight’s episode of Top Chef we are going to focus on those wacky French and their love of grubby snails, there’s a “shocking elimination”, and Papi Cholo goes loco. Pinch your nostrils and let’s jump…We begin tonight with my favorite person in the world, Sexist Pigshit, telling us that he doesn’t believe he should have been on the bottom of the last challenge because he’s been “in the top of the heap for mostly all the challenges”. I fail to see how being in the top two times out of six challenges translates to “mostly all”. And he hasn’t actually won anything, either. This is part of the reason why I hate him so much. That, and his hair.

80′s Hooker is kind of moping about the backyard of the Chef’s McMansion because the first three chefs to go home now have all been women. “I wouldn’t say I’m embarrassed, but I know women rock and I wanna see us rock a little more, ‘cuz I don’t want those boys to get their egos too full and think that they’re the bomb.” Awww, how sweet! 80′s Hooker used a 90′s expression! Let me dig one up of my own: You go girl…

…and don’t come back…

Everyone suits up, and today instead of heading into Northern Arizona where the “M” Resort and Casino is located, they actually wind up in Las Vegas itself at the Wynn Hotel (which looks like a giant staple-remover) and converge inside at the restaurant of one Daniel Boulud, French chef extraordinaire. Daddy Tom himself is there (I suspect perhaps the DeeBee wouldn’t have been able to keep his hands off Scar) and does one of those annoying introductions where he says “This man needs no introduction…”

…he looks like he smells cat pee smoothies, too…

He looks vaguely familiar to me, and if you want to know more about him you can click here. Everybody else on the show clearly knows who he is, because as Daddy Tom gushes that DeeBee owns seven award-winning restaurants (ooh la la!) the cheftestants are all grinning like mad and adding their own desperate pee scent to the afternoon. Fat Kid goes so far as to call DeeBee “one of the baddest motherfuckers there is.” because he’s known for taking classic French cuisine and giving it a modern spin without changing the flavor profiles. If you say so, Fat Kid. Personally I save a description like “baddest motherfucker” for people like Mike Tyson or LaToya Jackson.

In any case, Daddy Tom goes on to say that while French foods have become very popular in the U.S., there’s one ingredient that’s been slow to catch on, and that’s the snail (big grin on Sattine’s face!) or as DeeBee insists on calling them… escargot. Bitter Jen interviews that she hasn’t worked a whole lot with escargot, and says it’s a really delicate protein that is easily fucked up. She sums it up like this: “I think whoever thought that a snail looked good to eat hadda be really fuckin’ hungry!”…

…snail porn…

So today’s Quickfire Challenge is to make a winning dish out of escargot in 45 minutes. DeeBee chimes in “I reelee expecks someseeng I havv neyvur tested beefoe!” In response to that I sincerely hope someone breaks out the Velveeta. Then Daddy Tom ups the ante by telling them this is a high-stakes Quickfire. Everybody gets all excited thinking that another $15,000.00 chip is going to be up for grabs, but the tricksy minds behind Season 6 have engineered a twist: the winner just gets their standard immunity, but the loser will be going home!…

…Faces Of Diarrheaâ„¢ for all!…

Daddy Tom says they’ll be serving himself and DeeBee right there in the dining room, and they have full run of DeeBee’s kitchens and pantry and off they scurry like snails on fire! Immediately MaryMann starts in with her petulant whining, stomping around the kitchen and swearing and looking for a blender. She tells us she’s never ever cooked escargot, and the fact that she’s going to have to make something with snails for one of the greatest French chefs in the universe is only adding to her stress. Hello! Did you not see my Velveeta suggestion above?

Sexist Pigshit is here to annoy the fuck out of us tell us that he has a Greek culinary background (which explains his Greek salad last week that was proclaimed “not really a Greek salad” by Marky Doody) and that snails are actually a delicacy on the Island of Crete. Hundred bucks says he drowns them in ouzo and calls it good.

DirtyBear is also sweating bullets (and that has nothing to do with his overlong beard) saying that the problem with snails is that “they really don’t taste like very much” so he’s going to try to boost the “background flavors” (of dirt? slime? what background flavors is he talking about?)…

…aaabumewiefadukpokslekivmezdarbolivetridunno…

Papi Cholo’s digging in his heels on this one, “Fraynsh food ees no whad Ai doo een my raysront whasoayvur, so my consepp on dees deesh ees beseeklee flavvurss ovda Careebeeon.” Way to venture out of la zona de la comodidad, Papi! You better start praying for a milagro, buddy.

Island Mon Ron is thundering about the kitchen looking for his snails, and 80′s Hooker’s insisting the ones in the pan belong to her because she already put thyme and orange peel in the braising liquid. Island Mon ain’t budging and still insists they are his until 80′s Hooker relents and gives them to him. She is freaking because (like MaryMann) she has no idea how to cook snails and looks ready to have a heart attack. And now she has no snails.

Of course, Sattine’s laying cheelee because he says escargot have been a part of his youth and growing up in France, he’s not worried at all. On the opposite end of that spectrum is Biker Chick (natch!) who says she’s trying to “reach up through this fog of self-doubt I’ve kind of been swimming around in for the past few weeks…” Chicky is still trying to tell herself she’s super-talented and is hopeful she will win this Quickfire for a change. I wish she’d win shower privileges…

…”Why does it smell like feet in here?”…

Commenter messystation was right, she always looks filthy, but to be fair I bet half of that impression comes from the tatts and the piercings. At any rate, time has run out and as the call of “Utensils DOWN!” goes out I happened to notice what appears to be MaryMann still working after time is called…

…karma’s a biii-iiitch, darling!…

That could have been wonky editing but something tells me MaryMann’s not above taking a few extra seconds if she can get them. Not cute. Anyhow, the first three chefs to present their dishes to Daddy Tom and DeeBee are Island Mon Ron, Bitter Jen and Biker Chick…

They don’t say a word about Island Mon’s dish at all. DeeBee and Daddy both like the acidity that the yuzu gave to Bitter Jen’s dish. As for Biker Chick… *sigh* …Daddy Tom looks at her “E.L.T.” and asks what her inspiration was to make it. Her brilliant answer?: “I have no idea.” DeeBee looks at her and says “Interesteeng.” OMG, girl, how stupid could you be? It’s obviously inspired by a “B.L.T.” only you’re substituting “E” for “B”! Duh! I’m sorry, I don’t mean to harp on her, but jeez she just takes things to new levels of dumbass every week…

…seriously, you do not want to be the one who leaves the judges looking like this, do you?…

Oh well, the next three to present are Sticky Wickett, Papi Cholo and 80′s Hooker…

DeeBee calls Sticky’s dish “Vayree naice.” and Daddy Tom nods. They don’t directly address Papi’s dish, although Daddy Tom asks if they’re at all nervous to be cooking for DeeBee. Papi just laughs…

…”Joo keedeeng me? Doan forged, I kook weet balls!”…

As for 80′s Hooker, at least she can tell them that bagels and lox were the inspiration for her dish, but all DeeBee says is “Mm-hm.” as he crunches down on her crostini. Not a good sign, either.

Moving on to Sattine, MaryMann and DirtyBear…

Sattine seems a little like he’s kissing up to DeeBee, and they don’t even comment on his dish in return. MaryMann’s dish looks like a hot and cold mess and DeeBee seems to sniff her soup suspiciously before proclaiming it “Eenteraisteeng.” As for DirtyBear and his “candied bacon jam”, well, I think I’m falling in love with him a little bit just for coming up with that. DeeBee smiles at him and asks if that’s his mother’s recipe, which makes DirtyBear blush and insist it’s his own creation he came up with at his restaurant…

…”Zees eez like ze sex on mai fork!”…

…”My nipples are hard, too.”…

Let’s see what Big Volt, Li’l Volt and Sexist Pigshit put together…

Once again, I don’t know why it would seem appetizing to have snails (already kinda grody to begin with) and serve them with spit-foam loogies on top. Li’l Volt’s lasagne elicits another “Eenteraisteeng.” from DeeBee, and Sexist Pigshit sure enough used ouzo in his dish. He also gets nothing but a cryptic “Eenteraisteeng.” and that is fucking with his head big time…

…sweat it out ChicleTeeth…

For some odd reason they didn’t show us Gay Ashlee or Fat Kid’s dishes, so because I’m a nice guy with nothing better to do, here they are…

You would think with a “super-sized” 75 minute episode they could have shown all of the Quickfire dishes, but whatever. Now that they’re all gathered back together, DeeBee says their top three favorite dishes are… Sexist Pigshit’s (boo), DirtyBear’s (yay) and “zee turd deesh” that belonged to Bitter Jen (meh) and the favorite dish belongs to…. DirtyBear (again)! Fake applause all around…

…especially from the other two sore winners…

Jeez, it’s not like they lost out on $15K, and they’re definitely not going home, and this super-mega-ultra-hoity-toity French chef just said their dishes were among his favorites, so what more do they want out of life? DirtyBear actually admits that he’s been feeling a little intimidated by some of the other chefs (like Li’l Volt and Bitter Jen) because their dishes tend to be prettier and more sophisticated than his, “But I realized that what I do has just as much validity as what they do.” Good for you, DirtyBear. Now go shave.

Daddy Tom tries to salvage the egos of the loozahs he’s about to point out, claiming that it was just as difficult to pick the three least favorites as it was to pick the winners. And then he makes a liar of himself by saying “There were three that stood out as being sort of the weakest for various reasons.” (Mmm-hmm, that didn’t sound difficult at all) The bottom-feeders this time are Biker Chick (shocking), MaryMann (also shocking) and 80′s Hooker (less shocking).

However, there’s another twist! Daddy Tom says they’ve got a second chance, they get 20 minutes to go back into the kitchen and put together an amuse-bouche (a single, bite-sized hors d’Å“uvre) out of anything they find in the kitchen. “One bite to save your life and to keep you in the competition.” he intones. The chef with the worst dish goes home. Aaaaaand go!

Immediately MaryMann starts complaining (some more) that because they just finished the other Quickfire the kitchen looks like “a tornado has gone off in there!” and she can’t fiiiiind anythiiiiing! Oh wah, I’m kinda half-wishing that she would go home now…

…if not for the stupid fake-glasses then for her abject refusal to comb that rat’s nest…

Seriously, if there’s a walking Pantene Emergency, it’s her. 80′s Hooker is again at a disadvantage because she’s not used to making amuse-bouchii, she knows what they are, but she’s never been responsible for coming up with one. However, I like the fact that she’s just buckling down and trying her hardest instead of looking all petulant’n'pissy like MaryMann’s doing. Amazingly, Biker Chick seems to be pretty cool and collected, saying that she does A-B’s at her restaurant all the time, so she’s in good shape.

Daddy Tom and DeeBee actually make their way back into the kitchen to call time on them, and that’s where they’re going to judge. First one up is 80′s Hooker…

…hmmmm, crabby guacamole?…

Next in line is Biker Chick…

…shooting for the fried food group…

And finally we have our Not-So-MaryMann…

…now serving apathy on a plate…

DeeBee and Daddy Tom give no critiques as they eat. Not even an “Eenteraisteeng.” Once they have everybody back together in the dining room, Daddy Tom says they thought 80′s Hooker’s avocado soup was delicious but needed more crab, they loved the idea of Biker Chick’s tartare-and-egg dish, but it could have used more and spicier tuna, and while they liked the acidity of MaryMann’s pineapple against the foie gras, they thought she cut it too thin and didn’t caramelize the pineapple enough. And the two-time-loser-in-one-Quickfire-Challenge tonight is… Biker Chick.

It’s weird to hear Daddy Tom being one to say “Jesse… please pack your knives and leave.” Chicky thanks them and heads back to get her stuff, telling us “I’m pissed, I’m disappointed, I’m embarrassed. I haven’t felt like myself since I got here.” Ahhh, so it’s the location that’s to blame for you not doing well. Girl, why not just admit that you don’t do well under this kind of pressure and be done with it? “The thing I want people to know is that I don’t suck this bad.”…

…”And I really do wash my hair. Sometimes. When I get free samples in the mail.”…

MaryMann is feeling Survivor’s Guiltâ„¢, she’s glad she’s not the one going home, but at the same time she realizes that the more she winds up in the bottom, the worse her reputation as a chef will be once the show is over with. I’ve always been curious about that, not so much with people who get eliminated, but with some of these guys who act like assholes to everybody, I wonder does it really help their careers?…

…case in point…

This shot right here I grabbed from when MaryMann was making her way towards the back of the group after learning she wasn’t eliminated, and he follows her with that pissy glare the entire way. I am so waiting for the day he gets eliminated so I can do the happy dance and draw penises all over his face in a screenshot.

Bitter Jen is also disappointed in the fact that this makes the fourth female chef to get sent home, and she’s determined to step it up for her sex. Or she’ll start cutting people, one of the two.

All righty then, for today’s Elimination Challenge, they have to draw knives, and Daddy Tom tells DirtyBear that he will not be drawing. They better make sure Bitter Jen draws last, and that they take the knife away from her immediately, because she’s looking edgier than normal. The knives all have either the name of a French sauce or a classic French protein on them, which is making Sexist Pigshit’s bowels really hot and loose-feeling, because he doesn’t understand Frogtalk and he doesn’t cook French food, either. I guess Joisey-Greek is all he does…

…ah hell, what am I waiting for??!?…

I know that’s totally super-immature. In any case, they’ve drawn six sauces and six proteins and they’re going to be working in pairs to create a six-course meal, and as if this wasn’t pressure enough, they’ll be serving to a table filled with some of the best French chefs in the world, including DeeBee and Hubert Keller (a.k.a YouBear, a.k.a. DJ Le Mullet from Episode One of Top Chef Masters!), Jean Joho, Laurent Tourondel, and Joël Robuchon. The last one really sets everybody’s teeth on edge as DeeBee lets them know that he was voted “Chef Of The Century” in France. Daddy helps erode their confidence further when he says he’s nervous to even be eating with the man, let alone cook for him. I’m expecting that fun blueberry pie scene from Stand By Me to begin replaying itself any second now.

They’ll have two hours in the Top Chef Kitchen, and then one hour to cook in Joël’s restaurant The Mansion before serving. Now we find out that since DirtyBear won the Quickfire, not only will he not have to compete, but he’s actually going to attend the dinner and eat with these people that make you want to pee down your own leg. DeeBee warns him “Meka shuer yoo havva soot anda tai!” because this is actually a Three Michelin Star Awarded restaurant, which is apparently the highest accolades a fine-dining eatery can hope to attain…

…DirtyBear wonders if his tuxedo T-shirt will suffice while Papi Cholo looks for the best place to stab him in the neck…

Talk about some jealous fellas! You can see pure green envy on all the faces surrounding DirtyBear. To be fair, though, he’s well-versed in Joël Robuchon’s work, he’s got all his books… even the ones in French, even though he doesn’t speak or read French, so I’m not sure why he has those, but maybe it’s kinda like why I have all the albums ever released by Jacksons other than Janet, Michael and Jermaine… it’s not that Rebbie’s, Marlon’s, Jackie’s, Randy’s and LaToya’s music is so awesome, I just like to have a complete set… so I guess I’m saying DirtyBear deserves to go to this not just because he won, but because he’s clearly a fan and it means a lot to him.

Daddy gives them 10 minutes to pair up with one another, and he and DeeBee bid them adieu. I don’t fully understand how they all decide who should go with whom, because the only French I am good at is kissing, but here’s how it breaks down:

Island Mon Ron’s Frogs’ Legs wind up dancing with 80′s Hooker’s Sauce Meunière (a.k.a. “brown butter sauce”)
Big Volt’s Trout goes fishing with Sexist Pigshit’s Sauce Bearnaise (made of egg yolk, shallots and vinegar)
Sticky Wickett’s Lobster will be swimming with Fat Kid’s Sauce Américaine (a.k.a. “lobster sauce but not the Chinese kind”)
MaryMann’s Young Chicken will be illegally molested by Sattine’s Sauce Velouté (a.k.a. “Chester Sauce”)
Li’l Volt’s Wabbit will dwess in dwag and dance with Bitter Jen’s Sauce Chasseur (be vewy vewy quiet, it weally is called “hunter’s sauce”!)
Papi Cholo’s Chateaubriand will get peppercornholed by Gay Ashlee’s Sauce au Poivre (a.k.a. peppercorn sauce)

And it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market they go with $200.00 and 30 minutes. The one thing I feel I’m going to have to say about this segment is this: When your fat gray-haired butcher at the grocery store has a fucking fauxhawk…

…then a style has officially crossed over into The Dark Side and must be stopped…

…and this shit isn’t any better…

Besides thinking that fucked-up crackwhore hairdon’t is a becoming style for her, MaryMann is about to make another critical mistake. She suggests using green asparagus with the velouté sauce, but Sattine shoots down this idea, saying they don’t want to put anything green in a velouté, and she goes along with it simply because he’s French. Instead he chooses bacon, which I have always believed you can never go wrong with. <-------foreshadowing

Island Mon Ron is also having a challenging time dealing with 80′s Hooker and her 8,394,172 different ideas for her Meunière sauce. He insists he’s gonna be true to his French training and foolishly hopes they will judge his frog legs separately of anything else on the plate. Because that whole “pairing of a protein and a sauce” thing was just a suggestion it’s not like they built the entire challenge around it…

…maybe I should start calling him Island Mo’Ron…

Meanwhile, it appears that Big Volt and Li’l Volt have reverted to their childhood ways. Big Volt’s standing in an aisle with Sexist Pigshit looking at something, and Li’l Volt cruises by with his cart, shoving Big Volt in the process. To retaliate, Sexist Pigshit shoves Bitter Jen as she walks by (cut him, Jen, cut him!) and then Big Volt grabs their cart and takes off after Li’l Volt trying to crash into him. To be fair, I used to do that kind of stuff in the store with my older brother M-Mo. When I was, you know, nine.

Big Volt says he knows Li’l Volt would like to kick his ass in this challenge, but he’s not gonna let that happen. Li’l Volt says he worked under a French chef for “about a year” (he conveniently leaves off the part about “before he fired my douchey ass”) and feels that this gives him a more “european” and “refined” discipline than Big Volt has. Between the two of them, alls I know is…

…this is my favorite screenshot of Li’l Volt evah!…

Finally those huge-ass dumbshit ads Bravo keeps running are coming in handy! Thanks Andy Cohen! Of course, Sexist Pigshit is convinced that between him and Bitter Jen and the Volts they have the top four competitors. Yeah, except he’s not the one who gets to actually sit down and eat with the Chef Of The Century, that’s the honor that DirtyBear’s got, so if we’re calling “Top Four” he might as well remove himself from that group.

Back at the “M” Resort & Casino (where fun is only a $48.75 cab ride away!) Fat Kid is literally ripping apart live lobsters with his fat little bare hands…

…kind of an apt metaphor for how America treats the rest of the world at times…

Gay Ashlee and Papi Cholo are also starting in on their respective parts, Ashlee’s lispily making the sauce (natch!) and Papi’s trimming the fat off their Chateaubriand steak and telling Gay Ashlee not to worry, “I joose too doo dees forra leebeng, I joose too doo bonquess lige craysee… Freekeen feelay, ees oll pipple wan!” He tells us por la millonésima vez that he makes Latin-American food because he’s from San hhhkJuan Puerto hhhkRico. Which is weird because I would have thought he’d be more Asian-influenced, but whatever.

Li’l Volt is hacking away at their poor little wabbit carcasses, and is tossing Bitter Jen all the bones because she’s going to need them to squeeze as much flavoring out of them as she can for her Chasseur sauce. She looks like she’s also putting about 60 or 70 pounds of butter in that sauce and I have never in my life wished I could have Taste-O-Vision on my TV screen more than I do right now…

…drool…

Meanwhile Big Volt and Sexist Pigshit are deciding to do a deconstructed Bearnaise sauce, which I feel I must point out is Pigshit’s idea, but he has no clue how to achieve that until Big Volt shows him a method he used to use at a steakhouse he worked at, and he’s hand-holding Sexist Pigshit through the entire process. Of course, I’m sure Pigshit will reconstruct this sequence of events in his memory as having been ALL his idea if it turns out well, and NONE of his idea if it doesn’t. Because that’s how the Sexist Pigshits of the world roll.

Over on the Slimy Icky Protein Team Island Mon Ron’s bragging that he’s made frog legs “250 different ways” so he’s pretty sure he’s got this one cock-knocked. He goes on to say that he has a very simple personality (no!) and that 80′s Hooker is totally hyper and all over the place, and he thinks that’s why no one wants to work with her. Still, he’s very patient and ox-like with her twitterings and thinks they actually work well together. Until she asks him her 4,203rd question in a row and he shoves an entire stick of butter in her mouth…

…”Love is a battlefield, mon.”…

Time runs out, and everybody packs up their shit in the handy Glad Family Of Products Plasticwareâ„¢ (hey, how come Tupperwareâ„¢ doesn’t get in on this shit?) and they all head back to the McMansion where it turns out that it’s Sattine’s 29th birthday, and they’re all celebrating it together with him. DirtyBear says 29 is freaking Sattine out because it means next year is his 30th. Fuck that, I’m staring the big 4-0 in the face and you don’t see me stripping down to my undies and smearing cake all over the nearest fat guy like he is. Wussy-boy. Apparently, he also gets totally merde-faced and things get out of control…

…how most D.L. behavior begins…

…and how it usually ends…

Yeah, I’m guessing there are a few hungover heads (and bitter bitches) the next morning as everyone suits up to start cooking for this extremely stressful challenge… everyone, that is, except DirtyBear, who just has to hose himself down and put on a nice suit and sit there and eat their food with all these superstahs of the culinary world. If ever there was a time for someone to try and slip him an Ex-Lax-chip cookie, today would be the day.

Over at Joël Robuchon’s restaurant, everyone is frantically trying to get their ingredients together and start cooking before they have to meet up with the man himself. Fat Kid says he was under the impression that Joël didn’t really exist “and that he might be a unicorn”. Ba-dum-bump. Fat Kid’s here all week, folks! And try the lobster!

Island Mon Ron says he’s feeling even more pressure than the others for more than just the reasons of the challenge. Because Haiti has a long and bloody history with France, he says that Haitians and the French normally do not like each other (I can see how that might come to pass if one nation keeps repeatedly trying to enslave the other) but he’s hoping to cook a purely French-tasting frog leg “and the rest is out of my hands.”

Of course it doesn’t help that 80′s Hooker seems to be concentrating on everything but the one component of their dish that she’s truly supposed to be responsible for: The Meunière Sauce. He keeps asking her how it’s coming, and she keeps coming back with status updates on al the other shit that she’s doing. Girlfriend better focus or she’s going to find a hot pan full of melted rapidly browning butter being hucked at her head.

…”Meunière Sauce? Oh, pickles, I thought I was making a Moonshine sauce!”…

Ahhh, it looks like Sexist Pigshit is having a lot of trouble with creating his “deconstructed Bearnaise Sauce” and is afraid he might have to just go ahead and actually make a constructed Bearnaise. Big Volt assures him that it’s fine (since it’s his method anyhow) and I’m sure they’ll skate by.

We haven’t seen much of Fat Kid and Sticky Wickett since their gruesome lobster dismemberment scene over at the “M”, and Sticky’s having a little difficulty not turning their succulent corpses into rubber by overcooking them. She’s also in need of a Valium or twelve.

MaryMann and Sattine are also trying to get their shit together, and it’s not coming easily. MaryMann says she feels like puking, and Sattine seems to be bluffing his way through their Velouté Sauce. I’m getting the feeling he’s not totally sure of himself when he lets it boil over. Maybe he’s still drunk from the night before.

Li’l Volt and Bitter Jen are working extremely well (almost telepathically) with one another. The same cannot be said for Papi Cholo and Gay Ashlee. Papi’s beef won’t come up to the desired temperature, and Ashlee can’t sauce the plates until the beef is on there. Plus, Papi knows he needs to let the beef “rest” before he cuts into it, or it will have disastrous results. What exactly, I don’t know, but they’re acting as if the meat will explode on contact if they don’t handle it just right…

…”A lodda pipples ara gonna bee peessed offa mee eef I doan ween dees!”…

Over in the lovely dining room, the Judges, French Chefs and DirtyBear are starting to gather, and when he gets introduced to Joël Robuchon, it’s all he can do not to swoon…

..♪.Dirt E.’s in luh-hove.♪..

Back in the middle of the chaos, Island Mon Ron and 80′s Hooker are struggling to get their plating done in time. Fat Kid snidely tells us he took a good long look at their plate and sees that they’re serving “a beautiful wilted salad of, uh, dead greens… and overly-caked frog legs… and it looks awesome!” You know, normally I would get really pissed at amateur sarcasm-users and say something like “what goes around comes around” or “karma is a bitch” but in this case…

…God (and Fat Kid’s hairdresser) already beat me to the punch…

Asshole. I hope Sticky Wickett forgets alllll about their lobstermeat and it turns to superballs-in-tub-and-tile-caulking-sauce before their very eyes.

In the dining room, Scar’s wearing some off-the-shoulder concoction that makes her look like The Great Pumpkin…

…You betta work (a little harder with your stylist) bitch!…

Speaking as if she’s blunted out of her mind, she introduces Island Mon and 80′s Hooker to tonight’s tablefull of diners…

…and not a sexy one in the bunch (with the exception of Daddy Tom and possibly Laurent Tourondel)…

They also have an interpreter named Emanuel as Joël apologizes “I’m sorry I don’t speak English!” Funny, he said that in English with barely a trace of a French accent. Hmmmm. Well, it’s time to see how Haitian-French relations are going to fare…

…I hate to admit it, but Fat Kid was right, that looks like crap on a plate…

Daddy Tom says the frog legs are seasoned well, but Yo-Ho-Ho says they’re really heavy on the flour. DeeBee comes right out and says they were overcooked and dry, but DJ Mullet says overall he thought there was a lot of originality and creativity in the dish, “An I mus say, frog legs eez a vayrey deefeecull theeng to cook!” So what is Jësus Robuchon’s verdict (via subtitles)? “They put a lot of thought into this dish. It’s not easy to pull off. It’s a good dish, but the flavors are a little masked. You can’t taste the frog anymore.” And this is a bad thing how??!? Well, I’m convinced that when they start saying how much thought you’ve put into the dish, it’s the equivalent of a friend telling you that your blind date has a “great personality”. You might as well stay home and masturbate while watching professional wrestling.

It’s Big Volt and Sexist Pigshit’s turn…

…the portions of which could have been served in a tea saucer just as easily…

DeeBee right away points out that if they mix all of the ingredients from their deconstructed sauce, they’ll have a Bearnaise again. Pigshit grins proudly and asserts “We made it hard on ourselves!” Yeah, and Big Volt made it easy on you right after that, jerkwad.

After they’ve eaten the dish, DeeBee says it was a “perfect translation” of the classic trout-and-Bearnaise dish. Yo-Ho-Ho calls it simple yet sophisticated. Scar craftily asks DirtyBear what he thinks, which forces him to speak, and he says he was impressed that they were able to capture the essence of Bearnaise in the way that they did. Jësus opines, “To me, a successful dish is taking something simple and making it exceptional. A sautéed potato, a bearnaise sauce, there is nothing more simple. *(except for Velveeta & Shells… -J-Mo) They deconstructed it, they put a lot of thought into it. I like it a lot.” Okay, thanks for blowing my “put a lot of thought = hated the dish” theory a measly two paragraphs after I’ve formulated it, Mr. Robuchon! You little Yoda-lookin’ fucker.

Wellnow, let’s see if Fat Kid and Sticky Wickett rocked it out or if they should be running a floor-sweeper and hustling Cheddar Bay Biscuits at Le Red Lobster…

…and we have our night’s first purée!…

Yo-Ho-Ho says in general it’s a nice dish, but the lobster is tough (yesss!) and the Sauce Américaine is too bitter (well, duh, it was Fat Kid’s part of the dish). Then Jësus spake thusly: “I think it’s good work. They succeeded in their dish. But if you go into the details I’m a little caught off-guard because there’s not a genuine flavor that it should have for Lobster Américaine.” Happy dance, happy dance! Yves-Saint-Laurent speaks up for the first time and says it’s a difficult dish to execute for chefs that have no classical French training. Bwahahahaha, Fat Kid, I hope you weren’t French-trained or you might wanna ask for a refund!

Now comes the strange pairing of Sattine and MaryMann…

…and their molested-chicken dish…

When Scar prompts them to describe their dish, Sattine makes sure to do it completely in French first, before MaryMann repeats it in English. Jësus notes “He spoke French well.” and that’s the last good thing he has to say. As they’re eating Daddy Tom timidly mentions he’s getting a lot of bacon flavor in the sauce, and Gail echoes that sentiment emphatically. With a heavy sigh, Jësus says “The poussin is bland. I don’t know if it’s a velouté or if they wanted to make it more complex?” Yo-Ho-Ho observes “They worked really hard for not a very good result.” and he hates the ravioli. DJ Mullet says if they had been successful with the sauce then the dish might have been a success, too, while DeeBee notes the bacon overpowered the poussin flavor completely. Sad French Horns.

Li’l Volt and Bitter Jen finished their plating literally at the last second…

…perhaps this was the dish Glenn Close was going for in Fatal Attraction?…

DeeBee immediately says they’ve given them a very good piece of rabbit. Then Jësus tells everyone: “The rabbit is always a very difficult dish to make because it’s often dry in texture. Here you could say the rabbit was cooked perfectly. It’s a successful dish.” Everyone agrees it was well-executed, and Daddy Tom points out that while Bitter Jen and Li’l Volt are young chefs, they’re both doing very mature work.

The last dish of the night belongs to Gay Ashlee and Papi Cholo, and there is serious trouble on Calle Chateaubriand. They finally got their beef up to temperature and out of the oven. Trouble is, it looks incinerated on the outside. Papi’s trying to let it rest, but they’re down to literally two minutes before time is up and Gay Ashlee can’t sauce until Papi cuts the meat. When he does finally start slicing away it becomes crystal clear why he needed to let it rest longer…

…because now they need to serve it with a side of Tampaxâ„¢…

Poor Gay Ashlee’s got no illusions here, he sees the blood flying everywhere and that it’s ruining his sauce. He only has time on the last two plates to toss a spoonful of it on each piece of beef and then the seconds have all ticked away. Papi looks pissed.

And yet, they have to present it anyways…

…*sigh* bloody hell…

After they leave and everyone digs in, mass confusion erupts. We hear Scar asking “Where is the sauce?” and Gail answers “There’s sauce, it’s just very thin.” Daddy Tom says the problem he has is that the cooking of the beef is so bad (incinerated on the outside, blood-red on the inside). Jësus laments: “It’s too bad because it’s lacking refinement. There’s no juice, there’s nothing. The big problem with this dish is it’s not ‘au poivre’.” Gail is pissed, too! “I am amazed at my piece of meat… it is totally overcooked and the cut job on it? It looks like it’s been hacked with an axe!” Jësus giggles that she got the end cut, and Gail says “I got the end? Well, they picked the wrong lady!” and everybody busts up.

Now that the meal is over Scar asks Jësus (while he’s turning their water into merlot) if the chefs pleased him. He actually seems like he enjoyed himself, “I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of the work of some of these young candidates. We saw some very successful dishes.” He doesn’t mention they also got some shitplates, too. Gail pipes up to say she doesn’t believe they could have had this meal at this level at this point during any other season of Top Chef. She is so right, because at this time during last season the hack cheftestants were on TV making Kathie Lee barf up their food…

…not that this wasn’t fun to watch, too…

Finally, Jësus (via interpreter) says that if any of the candidates are looking for a job they are welcome to apply there with him. He gracefully doesn’t mention that he’d most likely turn away Fat Kid, Sticky Wickett, 80′s Hooker, Island Mon Ron, MaryMann, Sattine, Papi Cholo and Gay Ashlee. With that, Scar thanks everybody and they all leave.

Back in the Stew Room at the “M”, DirtyBear enters to say hi to everybody (someone, probably Sexist Pigshit, calls out “There she is!” as he walks into the room). Immediately Fat Kid jumps all over him trying to get him to pour the T on what went down at the dinner table…

…I bet 80′s Hooker would give you a handjob if you gave her a hint…

DirtyBear’s no dummy, though, he’s purposely vague and won’t give details, which frustrates everyone, but come on, would you spill your guts? Okay, I totally would, but I would lie to everybody and tell them the exact opposite of what really happened. Then I would run out of there really really fast…

Scar comes in and asks to see Big Volt, Li’l Volt, Bitter Jen and Sexist Pigshit. Dammit dammit dammit, I fucking hate it when this asshole makes it into the favorite dish group! After giving everybody kudos they want to know more about Pigshit’s Bearnaise idea, which he fully takes credit for (as I figured) and then says a bunch more bullshit about what an awesome team they make. Let’s be clear: if Big Volt had not already done an eggless Bearnaise at Black Angus or wherever the hell it was that he worked, then I think it’s quite likely that Sexist’s vague idea would have crashed and burned if he had been forced to execute it on his own. However, Big Volt doesn’t say anything about it…

…I think partly because he’s entertained by Pigshit’s version of events…

As for Bitter Jen and Li’l Volt’s partnership, they have nothing but love for each other at the moment (although Li’l Volt does kinda get all prickishly competitive again, saying it’s hard to work next to someone so talented because “You hope she’s not going to out-do you!”) and I just wish he’d give that shit a rest for one night of this show.

So DeeBee gets the honors to say who wins tonight… and it’s Big Volt! This makes his second Elimination Challenge win! Of course, Li’l Volt immediately reverts to grade school, pouts, is mad and barely shakes his brother’s hand while swearing and stamping his feeties. It’s about to get worse, too, because Scar tells Big Volt his prize for winning is that Jësus Robuchon has graciously invited him to “stage” (pronounced “stahzjhe”) for a week at The Mansion. My guess is that means “you will work here for free”. Big Volt says even though it was a “team” win, it still feels really good…

…I’m surprised the side of Big Volt’s head hasn’t caught on fire yet…

They send for Sattine, MaryMann, Papi Cholo and Gay Ashlee. Papi’s got una actitud from the get-go, standing defiantly with his hands in his pockets and glaring at the judges. Starting with Sattine and MaryMann, Gail says the searing of the poisson both dried it out and made it heavy. DeeBee says their Velouté was closer to a gravy, and Daddy Tom mentions the overpowering taste of bacon in it. Suddenly Sattine starts to backpedal, saying he hasn’t made a Velouté in a very long time. Daddy Tom’s not buying it. DeeBee says their asparagus spears weren’t much of a boost to the dish. Sattine heads straight to AssholeVille as he claims “Eet wazzent mai ideea too poot assparaguss…”

MaryMann is rolling her eyes so hard she looks epileptic! Scar asks if that was her idea, and she shrugs and says “Sure. I mean, yes.” Then Daddy Tom unwittingly lights the fuse, saying “You needed to make more of a connection… maybe an asparagus Velouté?” MaryMann’s sputtering now, and says “I suggested it… I mean, yeah, it came up.” Looking at Sattine, Daddy says “I’m assuming you shot that down.” Sattine looks directly at Daddy Tom and says “No, I deedent.” Let’s flash back a moment, shall we?…

…Sattine est un menteur!…

MaryMann may be annoying, but she doesn’t deserve for this little prick to stand there and bold-faced lie. Daddy Tom can’t quite believe it, either, and realizing this, Sattine quickly tries to move on from the subject, saying “No, I dunno, we, uh, dees eez, uh, dees allzow eez our first shot!” Daddy points out that it was everybody’s first shot. You got anything else, Sattine?…

…”Uhhhh, je ne sais quoi.”…

Scar moves on to Gay Ashlee, asking where his sauce was on their plate. He insists it was there, and very diplomatically tries to find a way to say that Papi kinda fucked up their timing in cooking the beef, he could not sauce the plates until the beef was on there. Daddy Tom points out that another major mistake was the cooking of the beef, and Gail says everybody had different levels of cooking in their various pieces. She also mentions how hacked up the meat looked. Papi blames the meat thermometer. No, really, he said that. Gail wants to know what kind of knife he used to cut the beef, and was it not sharpened? Papi blames having had only 2 minutes to cut 24 pieces of meat.

At this point DeeBee speaks up, “Eet doan taik morr dan an hour too doo a Sauce Au Poivre… aneet taik onlee sirdee meenute to roas debeef!” Papi insists they were working the whole time, but DeeBee’s having none of it, “Ayam shoor, bud ees good too havv a good gaime plann!” Papi’s out of excuses and now he’s just glaring.

BTW, here’s tonight’s shocking results from the Viewers Poll…

…actually I am shocked the percentage for Biker Chick wasn’t in the 75-90% range…

They get sent back to the Stew Room while the Judges beat the shit out of their cooking some more, and when they’re brought back, the chef going home is… Papi Cholo! And his choice of classy exit is to simply turn around and stalk off without saying a word to anyone. Not even the usual “Thanks for the opportunity, I learned a lot.” line. Way to go out like a pinche pendejo, Papi!

In his exit interview he says “Ayam sad dat I’m leebeeng, I esspected too bee heer longerr, too cho more of my skeelz an repreesen my pipples longerr, repreesen mysayilf longerr! I reelee weesh dat pipple coo see whad I doo, day can comm eentoo my ressran an seedat!”…

…or we could all watch his angry exit from the safety of our own homes…

And there we have it, as Queen used to sing: otro muerde el polvo. What did you think of this episode? Is Sattine proving himself to be a little asshole liar? Is Fat Kid talented enough to back up all his trash-talking? Could Sexist Pigshit be any more irritating? And when will the Brothers Volt finally grow the fuck up? Next week we’ll get to see some cowboy cookin’ goin’ on, and have yet another cameo from Top Chef Masters alumni!

Thanks to everyone as always for your generous and thoughtful comments, and now I am going to get some sleep.

love, J-Mo