Top Chef: The Soup Nazi

This week on Top Chef, all hell breaks loose.

With Special Guest Stars Ming Tsai and Dale’s Crotch

We open with the lesbian lovers and Antonia all mildly pissed off that Zoi and Ant were in the bottom group last week. Boo hoo hoo don’t suck ass next time, ladies. Ryan, meanwhile, astutely tells us that someone has to go home this week. Gee, thanks for clearing that up. He hopes that it isn’t him, but I would definitely be okay with that. Besides some minimal eye candy, you’re useless.

This week’s Quick Fire judge is Ming Tsai, chef/owner of Blue Ginger restaurant in Boston. Lisa – while still not showered – is actually excited for this guest judge. At least I think that’s a smile, since I’ve never seen one on her face before. The challenge is an upscale Coke vs. Pepsi blind taste test (which I totally rock, btw), where the blind-folded chefs will have to identify which is the higher-end ingredient of two options. The chef who gets the most right wins immunity.

If you food tastes like shit, I know what to do

Ryan’s up first, and is excited that he doesn’t have any food debris in his mouth to interfere with his palate. Awesome. The first ingredient pairing is maple syrup, $3 per bottle versus $9 bottle (holy shit dude, that costs more than a jug of wine… yeah I’m classy like that). He gets that one right, as well as the $16 versus $4 bacon test. Yoda’s next, and screws up the $5 versus $25 crab test – even gagging at the better product. Scar is very disappointed in our frontrunner, and announces Yoda’s mistake in a tone of voice so sad and pitying you’d think she was having to tell Yoda that “Star Wars” didn’t really happen again.

Dale gets the $1 versus $8 chocolate test right, as well as the $6 versus $72 sake test. But he blows the $2.50 versus $17 caviar test, which really pisses him off given his love of the stuff. I didn’t even know they had $2.50 caviar. What is that from, the sturgeons who take the short bus to school? Lisa nearly wrecks the joint by knocking over a bottle of water (between this and the lack of showers, she must have something against good ol’ H2O) and then blows her first test. However, she does get the $4 versus $8 butter correct, as well as the $3 versus $19(!!) cheddar cheese right.

The rest of the contestants get edited together really quickly, but from what we can see: Beasty nails the $24 versus $6 pork test but Mutton misses it. Richard gets the $4 versus $25(!!) olive oil test right, and is a snooty prick. Antonia, Zoi, and Nikki all get the sake question correct, leaving Twitch as the only one we see who can’t taste $64 difference between the bottles. You know how when you get a bad head cold you can’t taste anything? I wonder if it’s the same when you’re snorting lines off the back cover of your Superman comic books.

H-E-Y-S… Getting this one wrong should be instant elimination

Time for the results. Evidently there were 15 different tests (wish we could have seen more of them), and Yoda had the lowest score with 6 correct. Beasty and Ryan tie for second place with 11 correct, and Antonia wins the QF with 12 correct. Antonia’s excited, Yoda’s embarrassed, and Zoi is yet again pissed off, this time because Beasty beat her. Okay, Zoi, just to save future bitchfests – Beasty is nicer, smarter, more attractive, and more talented than you. Your ugly ass is definitely dating up, so why don’t you shut your trap and take what you can get. Capiche?

With that out of the way, it’s time to announce the Elimination Challenge. The chefs will be preparing the first course for the Meals-on-Wheels Celebrity Chef Ball. The event’s theme is the four elements, so the chefs will be divided into four groups – earth, air, fire, and water – and must prepare a dish inspired by their element. They draw knives and are given 15 minutes to plan their menus, which no one thinks is enough.

Team Water is Richard and Twitch – paired up yet again – as well as Mutton. Richard assumes the leadership role and begins talking about sushi. Over on Team Air, Beasty’s stuck with Nikki again, as well as Ryan for extra suckage. Beasty suggests shoving anything with wings on a plate to meet their theme requirement, but Nikki thinks that may be a tad too literal.

I’ve got an idea… what do you guys think about making some pasta?

Team Earth is Antonia, Zoi, and Evangelos, and they toss around the idea of a butternut squash soup. Ant doesn’t like it because unless they buy gold-plated squashes, the soup won’t use nearly enough of their $500 budget. Antonia begrudgingly says she’ll make the soup if both Zoi and Evangelos really want to, but Zoi caves, bringing them back to the drawing board. Evangelos takes this opportunity to whine to us about Antonia’s immunity making him more vulnerable if they lose. Way to think positive dude.

Finally, Team Fire, of Dale, Lisa, and Yoda, is already falling apart. Dale wants to do a deviled egg, connecting “devil” to fire, which I think is kinda cute. At least it’s better than what Beasty’s suggesting for Team Air. But Lisa doesn’t like it, and Dale bitches to us that between Lisa’s negative attitude and questionable hygiene, he’s not going to be able to work with her well. Yoda sits back and looks scared as always, realizing that between Lisa and self-proclaimed asshole Dale, this may not end well.

Over at Whole Foods, Team Water has decided to poach a fish in a water bath and Team Air wants to sear a duck breast. Team Fire continues to disagree – Lisa wants to do Asian food, given that Ming Tsai cooks Asian food, and it’s what she likes to cook, whereas Dale is still pushing high-concept takes on the fire theme. Team Earth isn’t doing much better – Antonia’s insisting upon a carpaccio and a salad made using only the highest quality ingredients, and Evangelos thinks she should keep her immunity-filled mouth shut.

Ack, and I thought the hats couldn’t get any stupider.

As Evangelos whines at Zoi and Antonia about carpaccio at the meat counter, Team Fire overhears and freaks out, realizing that they were planning something too similar to what Team Earth is going to do. Lisa nearly has a nervous breakdown/temper tantrum in the middle of Whole Foods until Yoda manages to convince her to make a firey-seasoned shrimp dish. Get your shit together and listen to the girl who’s won two out of the last four challenges, Lisa.

And that brings us to the day of the Elimination Challenge. The chefs are cooking in the kitchen of the old Marshall Fields’ building (fuck you, Macy’s), and it’s so big Mutton is half-convinced that Yankee Stadium is lurking in the corner. I hope he brushes up on his geography a bit more before taking the test for citizenship. Prep starts off pretty smoothly. Evangelos decides to suck it up and play nice with the rest of Team Earth, so both that team and Team Air are in good shape. On Team Water, Twitch is making his faux caviar (two weeks in a row…?), and Richard is already planning another one of his science tricks. Dude, I get that you’re trying to set yourself apart and you like this science shit, but can you just do something normally for once? Let’s start with your hair.

Lisa got her way on Team Fire, because they’re doing Asian food. I hope you remember this the next time you go to proclaim yourself an asshole, Dale. You just got played. Lisa then self-importantly treats us to a 20 minute description of how she’s cooking the bacon, and tells us it’ll be a sticky, gooey mess at the end. Sign me up for some of that.

Does that look like a baby’s head to anyone but me?

With 90 minutes left, Lisa begins to lose her shit again and throws other teams’ stuff around that she claims is in her way. Her gooey bacon isn’t turning out too great either, so she tries to turn lemons into lemonade by setting aside the fat drippings to use as hair gel tomorrow. Over on Team Air, it’s Ryan who’s get frazzled, running around frantically and making careless mistakes because he’s all tweaky. His antics even manage to make Nikki look like she knows what she’s doing. Yeah – it’s that bad.

Daddy Tom’s in the house, and he stops to talk to Team Earth first. Evangelos acts all douchebaggy for a few moments, but when DT asks them to reveal who is responsible for which part of the dish, the three of them are more reluctant to answer than Lisa is to shower. DT finally pries it out of them that Zoi is responsible for the mushrooms before moving on to Team Water. Richard tells us that it’s important to develop a good rapport with Daddy Tom, so he turns on the charm… and crashes and burns. Seriously, the sleazy married guy at the bar last night who tried to claim he took his ring off because “it made his finger itch” had more charm than Richard. DT’s reaction is confused and maybe even a little scared, and he gets the hell out of there while Richard pouts.

Daddy Tom exits the kitchen and gives us his impressions – with an hour left, Team Air has no idea what they’re doing with their dish, Team Fire’s dish may be too spicy for a first course, and Team Water is a bunch of cocky assholes who are probably going to bone it. As for Team Earth… guess DT’s giving them the silent treatment after they made him wait around for an answer. Don’t mess with Daddy Tom, young chefs. You’ll get the horns.

Dear Foo: This is the last time. GIVE ME MY GODDAMNED HAIRCUT BACK, YOU BITCH.
xoxo, Rachel.

With under 30 minutes left, the guests have begun arriving at the ball – including Gail who looks like a bloated eggplant in her purple dress. Can someone please get this woman a stylist? Teams Earth, Air and Fire are plating their dishes at this point, but Richard’s insisting that Team Water hold off a little bit longer to make sure everything’s still hot and fresh when it hits the tables. Mutton and Twitch finally grow some balls and insist they begin plating their 80 dishes, and then notice that there are wayward scales on some of their fish pieces. Ruh roh. Also having problems is Team Earth, where Evangelos fears Zoi’s mushrooms aren’t seasoned enough.

And with that, we’re on to the dinner service. Team Water is up first with their scaly poached salmon and faux caviar, and sure enough Ming Tsai winds up with five scales in his mouth and has to pick them out at the table. Team Fire’s grilled shrimp looks really good and the judges love both its taste and its use of the theme. Team Air’s duck breast gets mediocre reviews, and the judges hate the little aperitif the team served with the dish. Finally, Team Earth’s beef carpaccio is called bland as hell – and Daddy Tom’s on the warpath over it, calling proper seasoning cooking 101.

Oh goodness, my husband’s going to be so mad at me when he sees I used our best curtains to make my dress!

Judges Table time. Scar calls in Team Fire, who has obviously won this challenge. The judges ask how each contributed to the dish, and Scar announces that whoever Ming Tsai picks as the individual winner will also receive a trip for two to Italy. Well turns out that Ming loves things sticky and gooey, so he picks Lisa as the winner since he loved her bacon and had never seen that technique before. Dale barely resists the urge to punch Lisa in the face, and bitches to us that making bacon should not earn you a free trip to Italy. What, and making deviled aioli should? I don’t like Lisa, but shut up Dale. And even though she wasn’t the ultimate winner, Yoda’s still get herself firmly entrenched as the one to beat.

The bottom two teams are predictably Earth and Water. The judges start with Richard on Team Water and ask him if he was the one who cleaned the fish. Instead of answering, he dodges the question and asks in what regard they mean. In what regard?? How many regards are there for cleaning a fish?? Stop being a douchebag. Scar doesn’t fall for his elusiveness, and calls him out on the scales – which he looks completely shocked by. Dude, Twitch told you there were scales before you served it. What a shady bastard. Twitch gets called out a bit for making the faux caviar again, and Mutton is chastised for putting parsnip randomly on the plate, but it’s obvious they’re both safe.

Turning to Team Earth, the story is bland, bland, bland – which the judges point out is ironic with Antonia’s miracle palate on their team. Zoi opens her big trap and begins aggressively defending her seasoning decisions, and I really hope her dumb ass gets booted this week. She’s passed Twitch, Evangelos and Lisa on my shitlist. Evangelos pipes up that he wanted to do that butternut squash soup, and the judges of course love the idea. Antonia admits she was the one against soup, and when Scar questions her on being too involved given her immunity, Antonia says she didn’t want that to stop her from voicing her opinion. Evangelos can’t resist getting in a douchey comment under his breath, but they’re all just wasting their time given Ant’s QF immunity. Not to mention they’re all hypocrites – you know that if Antonia had just sat back on her immunity laurels, they’d be all over her ass right now for not being a team player, etc etc.

Teehee, I suck at life

The judges shoo the chefs out to deliberate. They’re pissed about the scales on the salmon, but not only was the carpaccio bland, it was also rated the lowest by the other attendees at the ball. Daddy Tom wants to eliminate both Evangelos and Zoi for following Antonia’s orders, but it looks like Zoi’s the one they’re more pissed at since her mushrooms sucked. Meanwhile in the waiting room, emotions are running high as Evangelos starts spewing I Told You Sos, Richard throws a pity party for one, and Beasty does her best to comfort Zoi.

After Scar’s weekly knife dance, it’s time to see who’s going home. Daddy Tom announces that the judges agree with the other diners – Team Earth’s carpaccio was the worst dish of the night… and YES Zoi’s told to pack her knives and get the fuck out! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, sucka.

The losers file back into the waiting room to deliver the bad news, and Beasty is shocked that her lesbian lover alliance is over. Even though it’s totally misplaced, it’s cute the way Beasty has such absolute faith in Zoi’s abilities that she’s so stunned at Zoi’s elimination. Zoi surprises me by making a classy exit, and everyone tearfully says their goodbyes. But we’re not done here tonight, Gasmii. It’s time for the chefs to get drunk and throw down. Finally!

Evangelos starts things off by telling Antonia she should have kept her trap shut when she had immunity, and that she was outvoted 2-1 for the soup but she forced them to do the carpaccio. Antonia insists that she would have done the soup (technically true, but it was one of those passive-aggressive “well, if you reeeeeally want to do soup, I guess I could…”), and that Evangelos should STFU and stand behind his carpaccio dish. In general I agree with that, but you’ve already been told it tasted like ass. Unseasoned ass at least. I think it’s okay to run screaming from it now.

Everyone’s pretty much watching this in silence until a teary-eyed Beasty decides to jump into the fray by accusing Ant and Evangelos of fucking over Zoi and getting her eliminated. Evangelos doesn’t give a shit as long as it wasn’t him, and someone actually has to hold Beasty back before she starts ripping off testicles. If that got physical, my money’s sooo on Beasty. Then Dale decides to reclaim his asshole status by yelling at Lisa that the wrong person either went home or won. I can’t really tell because the bleepings are starting to sound like Morse code. She reacts calmly, which infuriates Dale further and makes him grab his crotch and yell in her face. Seriously, why do guys have to grab their dicks when they’re getting all bitchassy like that? Is it instinctual protection for the inevitable kick in the nuts? Does it make you look more threatening? Is he just going for a good scratch? Wtf?

Oh shit dude, Evangelos better sleep with one eye open from now on

And with Beasty kicking over a chair – and Mutton cowering in the corner haha – it’s over. So what did you think? Did Zoi deserve to go home, or should it have been Evangelos or Richard? Did Antonia deserve all the blame everyone heaped on her for vetoing the soup idea? And do you have to fight the urge to grab your genitals when you yell?