Top Chef: Too Much Voltage Causes Blackouts

Buenos Tardyforthepartys, ‘Gasmii! Praise Jesus there was no new episode last week, I was in waaaay too much horrible debilitating pain (and clouded by waaaay too many drugs) to make sense of a fucking Bullwinkle cartoon, much less a complex reality TV show (and let’s not even talk about how much fun it was trying to sit upright). HOWEVER, I’m all healed up now (thanks for all the well-wishes, that was so super-sweet of everybody) and ready to take on this week’s episode. Let’s start by playing a game, shall we?…

…called “Guess Who Said That?”…

…If you caught this week’s jam-packed episode of Top Chef then I’m sure you have a pretty good idea of the answer. If you didn’t… well, Bravo will run it 94,263 more times to make sure you do. Also new this week: we get to hear someone vomit, the level of Hooker-Hatred gets cranked waaaay up, and the cheftestants host a delightful dinner party from hell! Why is it from hell? Take the jump and find out!…First up, how awesome was it that DirtyBear pulled out another win last week? And yet even more awesome was the way he queened out over winning some new cookware…

…”Calphalon is faaaaaaabuloussssssssssss!”…

The last time I saw a bear making that big of a blowjobface was when it was announced that John Goodman was going to play an oxymoron (the “asexual gay guy”) in Normal, Ohio. It’s really too bad that show lasted about as long as the excitement of a fresh piece of Juicy Fruit gum.

Meanwhile, back at the McMansion, Gay Ashlee comes downstairs in the morning in his bathrobe to have some breakfast and make the other boy chefs uneasy…

…although, strangely, he’s not the one that’s pushing up on Fat Kid’s ass…

I could hopefully credit him with more brains, and certainly more taste. Anyhow, Ashlee’s telling us he knows he could have easily gone home instead of Island Mon, and he’s feeling intimidated by the other chefs because he didn’t go to culinary school. Then he immediately starts talking out of his ass, saying something about how Li’l Volt is an example of someone who doesn’t seem like a culinary school chef because he’s “down in the trenches” and that he’s so “savage” and “really gets into it” and I’m thinking that Ashlee’s got the beginnings of a serious boycrush…

…my gaylepathy tells me this is what they’re thinking at this moment…

Li’l Volt himself tells us that he’s always put cooking before everything else (except forehead tanning) and then says he has 2 kids, both girls, and being away from them makes him all the more determined to do well in this competition. Which is really sweet of him to say, but his interview segment makes a couple of things painfully clear…

…sorry, Ashlee, but between the O.G.R.S.H. (Over-Gelled Random Side-Hawkâ„¢) and that shirt, there’s no way Li’l Volt’s ever gonna D.L. for you…

Meanwhile Bitter Jen has come down with a nice gooey case of Swine Flu, but insists she doesn’t need any *heave* sympathy, she just *hitch* gonna stay focused *urp* and “work through it”. Then she makes me nauseous when she reveals that she’s gone to work many times while still being sick and “that’s what you have to do” sometimes. Gee, Typhoid Mary, I know you’re a real trooper and all, but I’d prefer you stay home and keep your potentially deadly little microbes away from my seafood, K?

Anyhurl, they’re just about to leave when Bitter Jen announces she’s gonna go puke and runs off to go slam the bathroom door…

…here’s hoping today’s challenge involves greasy roast beef, 80′s Hooker’s shrimp and lard balls…

Over at the “M” Resort and Klassy Kasino (where being so far out of town just means you’re closer to brothels like the Shady Lady Ranch) it’s time to visit Scar and meet today’s guest judge, the insufferable Tyler Florence…

…this dickbag is responsible for making hip-hop culture apologize for his abuse of the phrase “off the chain”…

He’s also apparently a super-annoying Twitterer. I don’t need any more reasons to hate him, even if I knew what a Twitterer was… the first four letters of that word are all I need to know about him. In any case, Scar sounds less than enthusiastic when she describes him as a “chef, author and *snort* television star”. I’m guessing he was prolly hitting on her, and since he’s not really an “author” in the megasuccessful sense of the word, I doubt she’s interested. Plus, he’s not in his sixties and coping with a heart condition.

DirtyBear says all the chefs know who T-Flo is from his TV shows and books, but curiously he doesn’t mention how much everybody likes or is impressed by him. All he says is “I recognized him right when I got there.”…

…hmmmm, which one is thinking “I’m so awesome.” and which one is thinking “What a superdouche.”?…

Scar says this week they’ll be focusing on cooking on the home front and then gives a plug for website cookster.com, which supposedly helps home cooks find “the perfect recipe for every occasion”. Funny, i thought that’s what Google was for… how else would I have ever found a recipe called “Pole Dancing Stripper Chicken Breasts A La Stealth”? Anyhow, today’s cookster.com Quickfire Challenge will involve them having to create a dish using three “keywords” that will dictate the mood, taste’n'texture and what style of cuisine they have to make. To determine that combination they’ll be using this…

…a slut slot machine!…

Gay Ashlee takes a moment to tell us that if he were putting in keywords on cookster.com he’d prolly choose “lazy” “broke” and “spicy”. Mm-hmm, try “drunk” “horny” and “straightguy” and I’d say we’re closer to the truth. OH, and BTW, Scar says this will be a “high-stakes Quickfire”, the prize of which will be revealed later on (I’m hoping it’s a deluxe George Foreman GrillMeisterâ„¢)!

Sticky Wickett’s the first one up to pull the handle on the one-armed bandit, and she lands “romantic” “tart” and “Latin-American”. Cool, she gets to make a dish inspired by Charo! DirtyBear gets “stressed” “hot’n'spicy” and “Asian”. He’s a little worried since he cooks zero Asian food, but not as worried as Sexist Pigshit’s gonna be, since he’s been saddled with “stressed” “umami” and “Asian”…

…sorry Pigshit, they don’t have a “jerkwad” “womanhating” and “Greek” combo!…

He actually asks Scar if he can spin again! Scar just laughs and says hell-no. Part of what’s got Pigshit so spooked is the fact that “umami” is what’s often referred to as “the fifth taste” (separate from sweet, salty, bitter and sour) and is difficult for some chefs to isolate and recreate. My exhaustive 20-second interwebs research indicates that MSG and parmesan cheese and pizza toppings like pepperoni, mushrooms, tomatoes and mozzarella are high in umami-flavor. So suck it, Sexist, this shouldn’t be that hard.

Bitter Jen’s got “adventurous” “nutty” and “American”, while Fat Kid gets similar to Sexist Pigshit’s combo, only his is “stressed” “umami” and “Latin American”. Oh please, that’s easy! Just make a Steak Supreme Chalupaâ„¢ with cheese and some extra grill marks on it. Li’l Volt does much better when he spins “adventurous” “tangy” and “Asian”, while 80′s Hooker jumps on the “stressed” “umami” bandwagon, only with “Middle-Eastern” food. Big Volt scores “adventurous” “crunchy” and “Asian” (try making eel and octopus egg rolls!) and Gay Ashlee rolls his eyes at “tired” “tart” and “Italian”. MaryMann’s the last up to play…

…too bad they don’t have a “tattooed” “unwashed” “Chefbian” combo, either…

She is rewarded with “blue” “cheesy” and “Pantene Pro-V” “Middle Eastern” as her combo. Scar gives them their 30 minutes and the use of anything in the Top Chef Pantry and they’re off! Fat Kid immediately tries to be a dick and hog all the umami-flavored shiitake mushrooms for himself. He becomes even more of a dick (in my book, at least) when he lets Sexist Pigshit have some, but denies Big Volt when he asks for a couple (80′s Hooker smartly didn’t bother even asking). He acts like everyone who spun “umami” is copycatting his awesome idea and insists he doesn’t care what anyone else thinks about him because he’s “lookin’ out for number one”. I suspect that attitude will be far more necessary after he gets sent home a loser from the show.

Meanwhile, Sexist Pigshit’s saying how he’s done French food, Moroccan food, Greek food (no shit) and Latin food, but he’s never even touched on Asian cuisine before. In a similar boat (but on a different planet) is MaryMann, who’s having trouble coming up with a Middle-Eastern dish. However, since she’s been on a winning streak lately, she says she’s feeling much more confident. They usually only air these kind of comments if someone’s about to bone the shit out of a challenge, so I hope she didn’t brag for nothing…

…she certainly didn’t condition her hair for nothing, so I guess she’s ahead of the game in that respect…

80′s Hooker is also still flying high on her Quickfire win from last episode, but she’s well aware that all some of the others still don’t feel she deserves to even be in the competition at all. Over in Dryheaveland, Bitter Jen’s doing her best to soldier along even though she feels like she’s about to umami all over the place. The girl has zero confidence in what she’s making, and that’s rare for our Bitter Jen. If she absolutely has to blurk, I hope she at least hits Tyler Florence smack in the crotch with a hot steaming jet of it.

Time is called, hands up, and let’s see how Sexist Pigshit was able to rape Asian food with his incessant Greekiness…

…ahhh, by not actually cooking much of anything!…

T-Flo actually likes the flavors of his dish. Fucking figures, what with douchebags of a feather and all that. Then they move on to Sticky Wickett’s tarted up latin offering…

…beacuse it’s not just horses and dogs that like to eat flowers anymore…

Her bloodsplattered plate there also doesn’t involve much cooking. Since Sticky doesn’t have a huge rack for him to gawk at, TyTy actually has to concentrate on the food, and mumbles “Nice job.” with his mouth full.

Gay Ashlee’s tired-ass Italian dish is next…

…I have since discovered that “puttana” actually does mean “whore” in Italian…

So Ashlee basically made “pantry-whore pasta”. T-Pain & Flo Rentsa there says it tastes like it’s “straight from the streets of Naples” and that it’s very delicious. Gay Ashlee’s all “Really?” and bats his eyelashes at Ty like he had no clue what he made or how it tasted, and his constant flirting tells me there’s not enough privacy at the McMansion for him to successfully whack off.

Because Li’l Volt had “adventurous” he decided to do a dessert because he’s not a pastry chef and really wants to impress another non-pastry-chef like T-Flo…

…mmmmm, seaweed Triscuits!…

I guess he gets points for originality, cuz Tyler says it’s a great flavor combination. I’m so amazed at him, he was a complete asshole to everybody when he appeared on The Next Food Network Star a few weeks back, but maybe he’s cool with these people because they’re actual chefs. Oh, and they’re not gunning to replace that horrible show of his.

Since Fat Kid was playing at being the Originality Police, what amazingly unique and unheard-of idea did he use for his Quickfire dish?…

…my GOD, no one’s ever done a ceviche in a Quickfire!…

Yeah, way to hoard the mushrooms there, shitdick. He used, what?…two of them to make that dish? However, I finally get some satisfaction out of T-Flo’s smarmy facial expressions when he doesn’t say a word after tasting the dish, he only does this…

…dt-tss dt-tss dt-tss dt-tss, it’s happy J-Mo dance party time! dt-tss dt-tss dt-tss dt-tss…

The only thing better would have been if he had flat-out ptooied the stuff back onto the plate. But this is good, too.

Let’s see what DirtyBear was able to pull out of his ass…

…heyyyy, no fair! He cooked something!…

As they’re scarfing it down, Scar asks him if Asian food is something he makes a lot, and he admits he never has. Tyler looks pissed that it seems to be so tasty for a first-timer’s stab at it and mumbles “Well done.” Again, with his mouth full.

Moving on to Big Volt, did he take my advice about the eelopus egg-rolls?…

…not even close…

More’s the pity, too, because Ty-Ty gets all high and mighty, “I don’t think it’s Asian-specific, I think it’s Asian in general.” Which is still Asian, which is all he was asked to do, so, nice useless bitchy comment there, T-bag!…

…I think Big Volt agrees with me…

Ahhh, it’s time to do a fly-by of Planet 80′s Hooker…

…looks like a big granola-bar from hell…

Or a pile of deer droppings. She made a fatal mistake in using curry, cuz Scar immediately clocks her ass with “Curry isn’t really Middle-Eastern, though.” Oh snap! It’s even more fun to watch how this observation completely strips 80′s Hooker’s gears as she begins to try and argue and then realizes that Scar prolly knows what she’s talking about when it comes to curries…

…hey, at least she didn’t trot out her cancer-card again…

Instead, 80′s smartly agrees that she may have “blurred the lines” of the differing regions of India and the Middle East a little too much. Eh, only by a couple thousand miles, no big deal.

Also stuck with Middle-Eastern food was our MaryMann…

…And so she resorts to spit-foam. Again. …

I’m sorry, I just can’t stand that foam shit, even if this one is supposedly made of “preserved lemons”. However, I suspect T-Flo is used to people spitting in the food they serve him, because he thinks it tastes good and that she did a nice job.

Back from her latest pilgrimage to worship her new god ELJER, Bitter Jen’s wiping her mouth as they come up to taste her dish…

…argh, Top Scaylope strikes again…

Based on the fact that Jen says they had “basically no reaction at all” she’s pretty confident they’re not digging the dish much. I don’t think that’s totally true, though…

…this looked like a fairly definitive reaction to me…

Or maybe he was just checking out her boobs. Anyhow, now that they’re all done, Tyler tells them that to make a dish based on three keywords takes a lot of creativity. Kind of like the creativity it takes to make up dishes for Applebee’s, right T-Douche? In any event, his least favorites tonight are 80′s Hooker (he says her dish was “a bit elementary” and that “a curry oil with a lot of salt in it doesn’t mean Middle-Eastern”). Also sucking umami tonight was Fat Kid (bwahahahaha! T-Flo says the li’l bastard killed any umami flavor his mushrooms might have had by “drowning them in citrus”). That’s what you get for abusing ceviche, asshat.

And our last loozah tonight is poor sick Bitter Jen, to whom TyTy prickishly sneers “Jennifer, the idea of, uh, putting caviar on top of scallops I don’t think is that adventurous. We’ve been doing that in restaurants for years.”…

…barf on him, Jen!…

Jen hates hearing her name called as one of the Bottom Three tonight, and it looks like she’s about to bolt for the bathroom again. On the plus side tonight, Tyler actually liked Sexist Pigshit’s dish (natch!) and was also impressed by DirtyBear’s ability to put together such a flavorful dish without having made anything similar before. Li’l Volt also gets some love, and I just noticed that all of his favorites were Asian dishes. Maybe they were specifically Asian enough for him, I dunno. And tonight’s QuickFire winner… is DirtyBear!

Yay, it wasn’t Sexist Pigshit! Er, I mean, yay for DirtyBear! Scar tells him he has a choice to make. He can either take $15,000.00… or have immunity in the Elimination Challenge. Ooooh, good one, producers! After thinking about it for a moment, DirtyBear juts his fuzzy little chin out in a little half-nod and says “I’ll take the money.” which excites Scar to no end! To us, DirtyBear smirks a little and says at this point he’s not worried about having immunity, so he’s definitely taking the cash reward. Normally it’d irritate me that a chef would say such a semi-cocky thing, but DirtyBear has really proven himself since the start, so I don’t mind it so much…

…silly hairstyle or not…

Scar tells them that in celebration of “the at-home chef” they’ve set up a dinner party at the McMansion, and they’ll find out the details later on. With that everyone is turned loose to go back home, some of them foolishly thinking that they’ve got the night off to relax and make a home-cooked meal.

Not so. They arrive home to find that their fridge and pantry have suddenly been well-stocked with a buttload of ingredients. Plus there are stacks of new dishware and random flower arrangements laying around on the dining room table. Then Scar (and her fabulous kelly green 70′s strapless-tube-top-and-genie-pants-combo) pops up to invite the cheftestants to meet with her outside in the heat, where they are greeted by this…

…a wide selection of upscale bag ladies!…

Scar starts talking about how in “these tough economic times” more and more people are staying in for home-cooked meals instead of eating out. I’m sure she’s feeling that pinch just like the rest of us, and clearly she knows what it’s like to be reduced to making (and eating) things like “Burger Bun Mexi-Melts” (stale hamburger buns topped with Velveeta and salsa and thrown in the oven) and “Leftoverture Casserole” (anything found locked up in Gladware in the fridge, dumped in a pan, covered with those french-fried onions and thrown in the oven). Or worse still, the dreaded “Generic Boxed Macaroni & Cheese (with Pink Cheese Powder)”. You may think I’m kidding here. I assure you, I have eaten all of these.

Anyhow, in less than three hours, the cheftestants will be throwing their own at-home dinner party for the “Macy’s Culinary Council” which is made up of T-Flo and four other chefs named Nancy Silverton, Govind Armstrong, Takashi Yagihashi and Tom Douglas…

…formerly known as 90′s New Jack Swing Kings Color Me Badd…

Oh, how I miss me some Color Me Badd! ♪ IIIII aaaa-dorrrre, ♪ miiii aaaa-morrrrre ♪ Excuse me, I have to go find a cassette tape I know is buried in a shoe-box somewheres…

Okay, I’m back, and all the chefs are freaking out because they have to cook a dish for Sideshow Bobbi and Michael Moore there. Bitter Jen will just die if she winds up being that person who gets ripped apart in front of everyone for screwing up and making a bad dish. Eh, like anything else, you get used to it. Just ask 80′s Hooker. In any case, it gets even better when Scar says they’ll be working in pairs, and each pair will have to make a family-style dish out of the ingredients that are contained in one of the five chef’s Macy’s bags! To determine the pairs they’ll have to draw knives…

…guess who’s praying for a Volt of lightning that he can hitch his wagon to?…

The teams wind up like this:

Bitter Jen and DirtyBear using Michael Moore’s ingredients.
Sticky Wickett and Big Volt using T-Flo’s ingredients.
Fat Kid and MaryMann using Terence Trent D’Arby’s ingredients.
Gay Ashlee and Li’l Volt using Sideshow Bobbi’s ingredients.
Sexist Pigshit… and 80′s Hooker using Mr. Miyagihashi’s ingredients.

OMG, the only person that Pigshit absolutely positively did not want to be paired up with was 80′s Hooker! I’m sure she’s just as thrilled being saddled with Self-AbZorba the Greek and a bag full of Asian ingredients.

On the other end of the Darko Fear/Love spectrum, Gay Ashlee’s just about jizzing in his Jockeys when he realizes he and Li’l Volt are to be coupled together, although he wonders whether Li’l Volt will be able to listen to anyone’s ideas other than his own awesomely amazing ones. We all know Ashlee’s a big bottom, he’s just gonna self-lube, roll over and bite the pillow, so the answer is a big fat NO. Scar gives them 2½ hours to cook their dishes and they’re off and literally running to grab what limited counter space the McMansion’s kitchen offers. And I think Jesus sent a little gif(t) my way when we are blessed enough to see Sexist Pigshit’s graceless re-entry into their house…

…plus the added bonus of watching Fat Kid try to vault over him, take a face-plant into the floor and wind up ass-in-the-air in front of Gay Ashlee!…

Somehow, Fat Kid is still able to get up and score the counter-space for he and MaryMann directly next to the stove. Everyone else just kinda has to make workspace wherever they can, and 80′s Hooker (who didn’t bother running upstairs at all) suggests ot Sexist Pigshit that they set up their prep area near the wet bar where he just took his tumble.

Naturally, because Sexist Pigshit is, well, a sexist pigshit, he’s still fuming about being paired up with 80′s Hooker. “When I found out I was working with Robin, I was livid. i was angry. I was upset. And I thought I was going home.” Oh, we should be so lucky. Ah, he continues, “But then when I thought about it, I said let’s make the best out of it, you know, let me take control, lemme do what I do. Whether or not she’s my partner or not, I could do this challenge by myself.”…

…aaaand the owners of Zaytinya can only watch as their reservation books slowly fill with cancellations…

Does Tool Academy still have any openings? Except he’d take that as a compliment. We’ll come back to them later, right now we check on Team Unrequited Lust where Gay Ashlee and Li’l Volt are pretty much being forced to set up and cook on a couple of electric woks (provided by Macy’s!) in the dining room. Since they have Sideshow Bobbi’s bag and he’s pretty familiar with her food, Li’l Volt suggests they make a ravioli, and he’s pleased that Ashlee’s on board with it (like his half-erection was gonna let him disagree) and they get to cookin’.

Upstairs on the balcony, our Team DirtyBitter finds DirtyBear and Bitter Jen going through Michael Moore’s bag and noticing that there’s not a whole lot of substance inside of it, mostly Asian condiments, some miso and bok choy, so it’s clear they’re gonna have to make an Asian dish… again. Poor DirtyBear, twice in one day! Hopefully he and Jen can pull off another good dish.

Fat Kid and MaryMann (Team FattMann) discover they have tons of beets and duckmeat and spot prawns, and they decide to tempt fate once again by having MaryMann make her special gnocchi, which have never once turned out properly in the last 2049 episodes of this show. She’s done a great sell job, though, because Fat Kid is believing they’ll turn out great and that they’re gonna win this thing.

Checking back with Team Dysfunction, Mr. Miyagihashi’s bag is, oddly, also full of Asian ingredients. Sexist Pigshit can’t hide the tremor in his voice as he asks 80′s Hooker if she’s ever worked with Asian ingredients before, and according to her, she has. Then again, she confused Iran and India earlier, so I dunno if her memory is totally trustworthy. In any case, he’s pulling out all these products that he never uses and is stressed, but he’s not gonna let that stop him from being a total asshole to his teammate: “Robin’s trying to give a little influence here and there, but I’m just, you know, kind of ignoring her at this point. I know she knows I’m a better cook than her, you know, without a doubt she’ll listen to me and what I have to say… ‘cuz it’s my way or the highway.”…

…I think he’d do well to remember she has a fucking knife in her hand…

Back over at Team Lust, Li’l Volt’s still pretty much running the show, treating Gay Ashlee like his sous chef, but to be fair, Ashlee’s pretty much just sitting there doing this the whole time…

…well, I guess in his own way he’s still trying to showcase his strengths…

It’s too bad supple, pouty lips aren’t exactly, you know, a culinary skill. Ashlee says at one point he suggested they serve some grilled radicchio, but Li’l Volt suggested an asparagus coulis instead, and immediately Ashlee tossed out his own idea as stupid. “What was I thinking?” Duh, with your half-erect penis you ass-kisser. Meanwhile, Li’l Volt’s telling us that if Ash “keeps his head down and keeps pushing” he’s gonna be a great chef. Which is a nice way of saying that right now, eh, not so much.

Team Dysfunction’s still limping along, and 80′s Hooker’s telling us she knows she can put out some great flavors, and if Pigshit can be “open to that” then she knows they’ll do a great job together. She tries to make a suggestion and he immediately shuts her down and just sticks her with the shit-work. 80′s isn’t stupid, she recognizes that Pigshit has “taken the dominant lead” and she’s OK with that, but she still wants to be heard and be a part of the dish creation. Sexist ain’t having that, though, “Like I gave her little things to do, things that wouldn’t affect the final product… and then I’m throwing out all of the stuff that she’s doing.”…

…and here’s to hoping someone gets “accidentally” nut-punched in the near future…

Hey, here comes Daddy Tom (in his totally not-gay lavender shirt) to see what everybody’s up to! Starting with Team FattMann, when Fat Kid tells him their plan is to put the spot prawns on top of the gnocchi, Daddy Tom raises his eyebrows. I dunno if they’re violating the Eleventh Commandment (“Thou Shalt Not Place Creepy Seafood With Eyes Still Attached On Top Of Soft Innocent Gnocchi”) or what, but it’s clear he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. MaryMann and Fat Kid sorta sense this, but forge ahead with their idea anyways.

Downstairs he wades into the thick atmosphere of womanhate that Sexist Pigshit has created and asks what they’re doing. Pigshit does a lot of bullshitting about how he’s not familiar with most of the ingredients and how he’s going to do what he can to put his touches on it. Daddy makes sure to clarify that Hooker’s the one with the Asian flavor experience and Pigshit has none at all. Pigshit comes back with a backhanded dig at 80′s Hooker when he retorts, “But I know how to cook so hopefully I can put something together.” 80′s kinda ha-ha-has real dryly and Daddy just shrugs and tells them whatever they’re doing smells good…

…for something being marinated in loathing…

Back upstairs and talking to Team Lust, Li’l Volt’s proud of the mini-kitchen that he and Gay Ashlee have made in the dining room, and he’s busy telling Daddy Tom allll about the egg yolks they’re going to put inside of their ravioli and place on top of their fish, so when people cut into the ravioli, the egg yolk will dribble down on it, thus reminding the diners of carbonara sauce. Ew. Tom wonders aloud if they’re going to be able to handle the timing off putting together eggs and fish and pasta without getting tripped up, and Li’l Volt insists the Electro-Wok and the Griddle-Master will do just fine.

Daddy Tom interviews that he’s impressed with DirtyBear and Bitter Jen’s dish that’s going to consist of Korean BBQ (which we didn’t see yet) but he’s openly questioning Fat Kid and MaryMann putting their prawns on top of gnocchi, he believes if the gnocchi are made correctly they’ll be too soft to support the prawns and will turn into mush, but somehow I think we’re going to end up with hard little potato-doughballs that’re denser than dwarf-star fragments, so those prawns will likely be high and dry.

…”And frankly, I’m much more worried about how I’m gonna refrain from punching Tyler Florence in the puss.”…

Since they have such an unequal partnership going on their dish, Gay Ashlee decides to do the butch thing and head downstairs to set the table and arrange the flowers on it. Way to bust up stereotypes there, Ashlee. Maybe next you can tinkle out pretty little melodies on the piano while the judges eat their dinner.

Meanwhile, MaryMann’s getting stuck with cooking their spot prawns because Fat Kid clearly doesn’t want to. She says it’s a really tricky business, if you overcook them the slightest bit then it completely ruins their flavor. Instead, Fat Kid’s going to be in charge of ruining cooking her specialty, the gnocchi. Dramatic music consisting of mostly minor bass notes is playing, so we know it’s all going wrong.

With only 13 minutes left to go, Li’l Volt is cooking their bacon-wrapped halibut on the griddle when suddenly the heat goes away. Those electric appliances suck down a lotta juice and it seems they’ve blown a circuit! Li’l Volt’s running around looking for a working outlet, and tells us that once you start to cook fish, you can’t stop and start up again, and he’s afraid that their dish is now doomed to failure because of it. It quickly becomes clear that the fish have gotten overcooked, but there’s nothing they can do but serve them anyway. Ashlee tries to interview that they may both be screwed here, but we all know it’s Li’l Volt’s dish, and he’s the one who will have to answer for it…

…”He is so screwed. And hopefully I’ll be there to comfort him when the time cums.”…

As the diners are seating themselves (no one comments on how pretty the table looks, mostly because it really doesn’t, two pots of flowers does not a tablescape make, just ask Sandra Lee on those rare occasions when she’s sober) it seems Sexist Pigshit isn’t done denigrating 80′s Hooker. She’s searing their tuna, but he believes she’s burning it instead, and thinks he’s going home because of it. I dunno why he’s saying that, because when they slice it, it looks just fine. Jeez, for a straight guy he’s one of the worst drama queens of this whole bunch! “I’m just hoping that the judges like the food I’m gonna give ‘em!” he whines. Well, again, we all know it’ll be his food until they say it sucks… and then it’s gonna be aaaaall 80′s Hooker’s baby!

MaryMann’s not only struggling with trying to gently cook her eerie little spot prawns, but now that Fat Kid has brought the gnocchi out after cooking them, it seems they’ve somehow gotten way saltier than they were when she handed them off to him an hour ago. And yet, she doesn’t say anything to him about the fact that clearly he did something to them to make them saltier. In fact, he tastes them and insists they’re okay.

Back down at the diner’s table in the backyard, Scar’s asking T-Flo what Macy’s Culinary Council actually does, and TyTy starts talking about how Macy’s plans to get together with the charity group Feeding America in order to serve 10 million meals to help feed America’s hungry. That’s a really great thing that they’re doing, and I’m all for it, but I can’t help but think Macy’s might be able to help a little more if they didn’t charge $89.99 for a pair of Jessica Simpson Sansabelt E-Z Expanding Momjeans and $167.50 for a Mariah Carey thong…

…although I’d settle for seeing Jessica Simpson huck baguettes at Mariah’s head any day…

Oh well, I’ll put that wish in a letter to SantaBear and see what he can do. Back to the Elimination Challenge, time is up and the cheftestants have come out to serve all of their family-style dishes at once. Of course, to someone like me who grew up with three other siblings, food served “family style” means one kid is busy clumsily spilling a full glass of milk all over the place and crying over it while another kid has already flicked a big juicy booger somewhere in the casserole (and I’ve lost track of it’s trajectory amongst all the peas) and a third kid is dropping his entire plateful of food on the floor under the table in the hopes that the cat will eat it. Okay, that kid was me, and no, it didn’t work, the cat just got my hopes up by coming up and sniffing the lima beans, licking them once and then haughtily strolling away while raising his tail and giving me an appetizing view of his anus. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Team FattMann is describing their dish…

…another bowl with CSI-like ingredients…

Fat Kid gives most of the description, and when Scar asks if MaryMann has anything to add, she just smiles and says Fat Kid’s doing the talking tonight. She pretty much kept herself free so’s she could put her energies towards screwing up the food.

Next up is Team Dysfunction’s dish…

…oh please, that tuna is not burnt…

Sexist doesn’t even bother letting 80′s Hooker speak, although strangely enough, in front of the judges he uses inappropriate words like “we” and “our” and “us” when describing how “they” came up with “their” dish. Fuckstain.

We’ve not heard or seen anything about Team Invisible’s dish (Big Volt and Sticky Wickett) so this is all a surprise…

…ohhhh, corn-caaaakes!..*drool*…

Big Volt’s the presenter on this one, and I’m thinking he and Sticky must not have had much trouble or we would have surely been shown some of the genesis of their dish.

Now it’s Team DirtyBitter’s turn…

…it looks a little flat to me, but then again I’m kinda used to ginormous American BBQ portions…

I kinda like how DirtyBear describes his dishes, they actually sound tasty without being overly fussy or froo-froo.

Last up is Team Unrequited Lust’s unrequited dish…

…which could have easily been called “Fish, Interrupted”…

With that, the diners dig on in! Starting with Li’l Volt’s dish (I’m not even gonna pretend any more, let’s just leave Gay Ashlee’s name off of it) Sideshow Bobbi says there’s too much pancetta wrapping the halibut for her taste, and doesn’t like the fact that it wasn’t crisped up at all. Ty-D-Flo agrees and thinks it wasn’t cooked at a high-enough temperature. Tiny Tewwible Toby notes the fish was overcooked, the pancetta undercooked, and Daddy Tom just doesn’t like the idea of egg yolks mixed with halibut… see? It’s not just me!

Michael Moore says when you compare Big Volt & Sticky Wickett’s halibut to Li’l Volts, he likes theirs better because it has more flavor, and Terence Trent D’Arby speaks up that they were able to get a good color and texture into their fish that was lacking in Li’l Volts. Tyler and Tiny Twee Toby both like the spice combinations that the chorizo brings forth.

Scar then asks Terence Trent D’Arby what he thinks of the job Fat Kid and MaryMann did with his bag of ingredients, and he says once you sauté gnocchi it’s hard for them to retain any lightness or fluffyness. Daddy Tom points out they’ve retained none of those characteristics because they’re extremely dense and wants to know if he’s the only one finding them overly salty. The entire table agrees with him there. Toby trots out that old joke about it being “a Monét… good from a distance, not too great close up.”…

…how 1995!…

Damn! Now I need to go find my cassingle of “Rollin’ With The Homies” as well! Be right back…

As if those critiques weren’t damning enough, Michael Moore’s talking about how spot prawns are “one of the most precious seafoods that we have” and that they should be “cherished” and I agree that it sucks that MaryMann apparently undercooked them, but I think he needs to lighten up and realize that this is not a global crisis on the same level as Mariah vs. Eminem, or Ashlee Simpson’s singing career or even those fucking Bickering Gosselins.

Scar asks if anyone has tried their DirtyBitter beef, and TyTy says he was about to bring that up, saying that it’s the one bite there that’s both tasty and balanced. Michael Moore’s in love with Bitter Jen’s tomato-cardamom broth, he loves the flavor and the texture it adds to the dish. Everybody else seems to be too busy stuffing their faces with it to make any further comments…

…Scar especially seems to have the useful ability to cram an awful lot of meat in her mouth at once…

I’m right up there with her on that one. Anyhow, Scar then asks Mr. Miyagihashi how he thinks Sexist Pigshit and 80′s Hooker did with his ingredients. He says Mikey-san and Robin-san deed-uh very werr, but-uh eef-uh he was-uh zem, he would not-uh have use-uh same-size-uh potions of scarrop and tuna-uh. Daddy Tom tattles that when he checked in on them they didn’t seem to have a clear idea of what their dish was going to be and notes that there was a lot of tension in the air. Then he shocks the hell out of me when he says the dish was still successful in spite of all that crap. Sideshow Bobbi says she really liked it, too.

Back over at the “M”, everyone’s waiting in the Stew Room until Scar comes in and asks to see Sticky Wickett, Big Volt, Bitter Jen and DirtyBear, who are clearly the winners this time. Everyone else knows they’re prolly fucked…

…which doesn’t stop Fat Kid from picking at his sock lint…

Over at the Winners Judges’ Table, Tiny Tofu wants to know if one of them took the leadership role on Team DirtyBitter. After they exchange glances at one another, they insist it was a collaborative effort and they worked really well together. Scar does get DirtyBear to admit he cooked the beef and Bitter Jen to own up to making the tomato-cardamom broth. Teensy Troll Toby says that he was still eating it and looking for more when everyone else was finished, and Daddy Tom claims he took the leftovers home with him.

As for Team Invisible, they had Ty-D-Flo’s big bag of booty, and Sticky Wickett says Big Volt took care of the fish while she crafted the polenta corn-cakes. She continues that they both worked on the chorizo-sherry vinaigrette together (even though it was more Big Volt’s idea) and now they are in love. I mean, they are happy to be on top this time. TyTy gets to reveal the winner, and after singling out Team DirtyBitter’s Korean BBQ dish as the favorite, the winning chef tonight…. is Bitter Jen!

She doesn’t seem to react or smile that much, but then when Scar says she also won a $10,000.00 gift card from Macy’s she actually gets excited…

…”Now I can afford a Mariah Carey thong!”…

She’s so happy that she even gives Tyler a kiss (oh, uck!) when she goes up to get her gift card. Even sweeter still is when she says she’ll prolly buy DirtyBear a new suit or something, “He deserves a little of this $10,000.00!” Wow, how cool of her. She must still be sick.

Back in the Stew Room, after everyone is done congratulating Bitter Jen on her first Elmination Win, Big Volt drops the bad news that they want to see Li’l Volt, Gay Ashlee, Fat Kid and MaryMann. Wow, who’d have thought Team Dysfunction would have skated their way to the safety of mediocrity? After they leave the other chefs are all up in Big Volt’s face asking what Li’l Volt did to his dish and wanting to get the inside dirt on how he fucked up. Big Volt gets super-pissed and says he’s not going to talk about it and tells them to ask Li’l Volt himself when he comes back, “I’m tired of dissecting other people’s plates.”…

…I think you’d best put a cock sock in it, DirtyBear…

Then he asks DirtyBear if he tried the dish, and DB admits he didn’t, to which Big Volt replies “Then you can’t pass judgement. That’s how I feel about this.” DirtyBear looks suitably chastened.

Back over in LoserTown, Scar starts in on Team Unrequited Lust and wants to know who did what. Li’l Volt steps right up and admits he overcooked the fish and mentions that the electric kept shorting out. T-Flo jumps all over this and gets all dickish, saying that awesome TV chefs like him travel all over the country and do dinners in the strangest places every week, and that they can’t use “The power went out.” as an excuse for someone who pays for a very expensive meal…

…Um, okay, but the only thing those Macy’s Council chefs paid for was part of their sanity in having to spend another evening in the company of Tyler Florence…

That explains why there were so many empty bottles of wine at dinner. Anyhow, it’s all well and good to tell someone that they can’t use cheap faulty wiring as a reason why they couldn’t properly cook food, but this is total bullshit, because in a real dinner-party situation there wouldn’t be a time-limit, or pre-set ingredients, or any of the other ridiculous conditions that the chefs always have to work under. TyTy should shut his pie-pie.

Daddy Tom says it was the wrong kind of fish to use in conjunction with the pancetta, and Tewwible Toby believes the texture of the halibut and the egg-yolk-filled ravioli were too similar. Then Gay Ashlee speaks up that he thought the dish was conceptually amazing and that it was hard for him to suggest his own inferior ideas. Scar wants to know if he was cool with playing bottom-bitch second fiddle to Li’l Volt, and we are treated to a completely ridonkulous answer: “It’s sort of like saying ‘Do you mind washing paintbrushes for Picasso?’ in my opinion, ‘cuz I think, frankly, Michael is amazing and I didn’t mind washing painbrushes!” The reactions to this little speech are priceless…

…Yay! Amused and uncomfortable expressions for everyone!…

Daddy Tom’s not really happy with that answer and says he thinks Ashlee’s telling them he can only go so far in the competition because he’s basically telling them there are other chefs much better than he is. Duh, that’s exactly what he’s doing, but when confronted with the bald truth of it like that, he turns around and backpedals furiously, saying he’s as good as anybody there and then turns on Li’l Volt, pointing out that “Even Michael, who I think is a great chef, can overcook a fish!” You can tell Li’l Volt is feeling mega-awkward and is just shy of rolling his eyes back in his head.

Moving on to Team FattMann, Daddy Tom wants to know if they were happy with their dish. Fat Kid immediately starts listing all the parts that he had something do with as those he felt worked best in it. When Tiny Tewwible Toby asks if he was aware that the prawns were undercooked he claims ignorance. MaryMann steps up and takes responsibility for that. Scar wants to know if Fat Kid noticed they were underdone when he was plating the dish, and he claims he didn’t check every single prawn for it’s level of cookedness…

…”I mean, I know the dish sucked, but I’m not going to actually tell you what my role was in creating this level of suckitude…

Toby also wants to know if they didn’t think gnocchi was a heavy item to have on a hot summer evening, and MaryMann also has to take responsibility here. T-Flo wants to know if she recognized they were too salty, and she gives a long drawn out explanation of how she noticed it (but doesn’t directly call out Fat Kid for having obviously overseasoned them somehow to make them taste that way) and that they were going to have to “take it easy” with the rest of their ingredients in regards to salt. Daddy Tom skewers her argument by pointing out the obvious, “You know that doesn’t work.” He’s right, if you’ve oversalted your mashed potatoes, you can’t just balance that problem out by undersalting other components of the dish. Fat Kid tries to bullshit them some more by yammering about the flavor profiles making sense, and Daddy stops him cold to by saying the flavors may have made sense but the problem was their shrimp was undercooked and the gnocchi were supersalty and dense. End of story. And end of tonight’s public flogging as well.

Back in the Stew Room, Fat Kid laughingly tells Gay Ashlee “That was a classic line!” and Li’l Volt awkwardly thanks him for all the overly sweet things he said about him. Ashlee is suitably embarrassed.

And the chef going home tonight is… MaryMann. This leaves our Season Six Team Rainbow with only one member, and that’s Ashlee, and I don’t see him sticking around much longer, either. As for MaryMann, well, you can kinda tell she was expecting to be sent home…

…and it’s back to sad Seattle she goes…

At least she’s cool and says goodbye to everyone, and even more shocking is seeing her and Li’l Volt’s long deep hugging, and especially a hardened chick like Bitter Jen reacting so strongly to her leaving…

…I bet this is not gonna be the reaction when 80′s Hooker goes home…

Now I think I’m gonna kinda miss seeing that messy-ass mop of hair every week. So what did you think of this episode? Should Fat Kid have been sent home instead for not owning up to all the stuff he did to make their dish suck? Do you think Gay Ashlee’s prolly out next week? Will 80′s Hooker ever stop annoying everyone?

I just wanna say thanks again to everyone for all the get-well-soon wishes and I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to respond back to last week’s comments. To try and make up for it, I know some of you were interested in seeing the photos from the National Entertainer Of The Year Pageant that I attended a couple of months back. Well, I finally got my shit together and uploaded the photos, so if you want to see some of the amazing dresses and talent numbers, you can find the photos here. There are even some pictures of the Mister EOY portion of the pageant (and yes, they still have a swimsuit competition!). I hope you enjoy them. In the meantime, I am off to Indianapolis this Tuesday to go dance for another friend as she makes her bid for Miss Gay US of A At Large (a.k.a. the Fat Drag Queens Pageant).

love, J-Mo