We open with Stefan brushing his teeth, Hosea windexing his pleather jacket , Beaker doing yoga, Ronda acting like a seal, and Juanita (channeling previous winner Hung for good luck) doing the death scene from Miss Saigon.
I’d give my liiiiife for yoooooooou!
The three chefs are taken on a big boat where they are served giant beignets. Beaker tells us how grateful she is to be here while Hosea talks and talks during breakfast like he’s being interviewed on Inside The Actors Studio. With the way that show’s been choosing guests lately don’t be surprised if he shows up there. Hosea tells us how he deserves this win. LOL. It kills me that he’s even still here, but I have to hand it to him. His mediocrity is long lasting. I am a little worried for Stefan. This competition has aged him. Literally. He’s got a giant pink spot on the side of his head like he’s had enough of the small leagues and he’s ready to lead Russia.
Stefan is upset that his bff is gone and “that fucked me off”, but he’s not gonna let that stop him from being a total prick. He tells us that his food kicked Hosea’s food’s ass in the last challenge and Hosea’s a hack who hasn’t even won one elimination challenge on his own. Actually, he won the Christmas challenge on his own, right? I don’t care, I’m staying on Stefan’s side.
The Chefs meet Scar and Daddy Tom at the New Orleans Collection Museum and Shop. Do they not have a Dillard’s in New Orleans? For the first time I think ever, Scar is hiding her scar. It must be damn cold out there. Get this ho a heat lamp! It’s not a finale unless there’s a scaaaaar! Tom is looking more and more like Uncle Fester every day, god bless him.
Tonight you will prepare brains. Delicious brains.
The challenge is to make a three course meal of whatever they want. Sounds easy enough. I predict Hosea will make fish and potatoes. They will be cooking at a famous restaurant called Commander’s Palace. The place was built in 1880 and in the 20′s it was a whorehouse upstairs and a family restaurant downstairs. Perfect! Throw in a few rich fat judges in their 80′s and Scar will whip her scar out in no time. And probably her labia.
There will be twelve judges, and the chefs will get help from “special friends”. Richard, who’s held on to his ridonk old man fauxhawk (just get a convertible Miata and bang a secretary already. You’re embarrassing yourself.), Casey, who’s held onto her Bunny Foo Foo teeth, and Marcel the monkey, who’s held on to his utter lack of self awareness.
Well, we were warned they were special.
Hosea’s star struck. Have confidence, my friend. You’ll most likely be an also ran too by the time this hour’s up. They pick knives to see who gets paired with who. Please let Hosea get the monkey PLEASE. Melt those potatoes with acid and then remold them with cancer cells. Darn. The knives have the number in which they get to choose. Beaker will go third. Stefan lets Hosea choose next and he gets 1, which means he has first pick. Does that make sense? I reread it a couple times and am still confused. Hoser goes with Richard, which is a good choice because Richard is good and kinda controlling. He might just boss Ho around and win in the wrong season. Stefan takes the monkey and says “he’s a twat, but who’s not?” LOL, and I think you just lost this thing for yourself. Beaker gets Foo Foo, which is great for her because basically she just needs a prep cook and a babysitter for her spirit guides.
They have two hours to prep, and it gets ugly right away. Stefan sets a couple servings of foie on the side of the fridge and Hosea comes in and takes all of it. To be fair, it’s not like it was marked or anything, just separate from the rest. Stefan calls bullshit and Hosea offers to half it, but Stefan tells him to shove it up his hairy ass. That’s probably a good thing, cuz a.) two foies head to head can’t be a good idea and b.) foie gras? Really? That’s so done. Let Hosea have it.
Hosea tells us that he is really into “strong flavors”. Since when? I don’t think I can remember one critique that said anything like “wow what strong flavors!” I can remember “meh there was worse”. Anyway, his strong flavors goal leads him to choose something new and fresh to prove that he’s not just a dude who works in a seafood restaurant…
He’s gonna serve it raw for the first course and then move on to a seared scallop and foie for the second. Top Scaylope. Turtle would be proud. Hosea’s also taken all the caviar, which pisses Stefan off again. I say if Hosea’s making one thing, run the other way. He’s got Richard on his side now and you don’t wanna get beat head to head on the same dishes by Hoser on national TV. Finland might implode.
Beaker plans to keep it French and simple with steak and potatoes. Foo Foo thinks it should be more interesting than that, so she suggests sous vide for the steak. Who asked you, Foo Foo? Beaker hasn’t gone near plastic bags since Ronda tried to suffocate Juanita with one for cheating at canasta. She’s not sure how to sous vide, and she’s scared shitless that someone could end up getting hurt. Foo Foo tells her to snap out of it and offers to show her how to do it. Dramatic music starts playing and nosy ass Hosea spies on them, telling us he knows Beaker’s never done sous vide in this competition and thinks Foo Foo’s doing too much. I agree that Beaker should shove a carrot in Foo Foo’s mouth and call the shots, but you know Richard’s gonna build each of Hoser’s dishes while Ho stands there shifty eyed and nods.
Later that night a voodoo lady comes over and Stefan asks about a girl named Jamie. The voodoo lady asks to look at his palm.
I’ve never read a palm that said “beware the lesbian turtle” before.
Stefan tells us that he bought voodoo dolls in New Orleans of Beaker and Hosea and stabbed them many times. HAHA. Beaker is ignoring him because Juanita’s keeping her busy doing a really rude impression of Bunny Foo Foo.
The next morning, the chefs arrive at the kitchen and Daddy Tom’s waiting for them with the twist. They will have to make an appetizer using alligator, crab, or red fish in addition to the other three courses. To choose the protein, they eat a cake and whoever gets the golden baby gets to choose their own protein and the protein for the other chefs. Next, they will do the chicken dance. Hosea looks confused by this, but he ends up getting the baby. Unfortunately he doesn’t choke on it. But yay cake!
This shot is an ovary shatterer if I ever saw one.
Guess who he gives the alligator to? He takes the redfish for himself and hands Beaker the crab, leaving Stefan with Scar’s next husband. Then he flips off the camera and tells Stefan to suck it. At least I think he’s flipping off the camera. I can’t tell cuz it’s blurred out.
OMG Hosea has an areola on his hand!
The chefs’ menus start to take shape, and the editors are kind enough to type them out for me.
Hosea says he’s going to avoid dessert because it’s not required and “do I want the last thing I make on Top Chef to be dessert? No.” Betcha can’t do it even if you wanted to. There’s one hour til service, and Stefan’s on the other side of the kitchen barking orders at the monkey, which cracks me up. To his credit, Marcel shuts up and does what he’s told.
Stefan has an idea to do carpaccio, but frozen. The monkey’s like WTF? Stefan’s also making dessert, and so is Beaker. This has me worried. People avoid desserts because they get the least respect from the judges. Please God, don’t let Hosea win this. PLEASE. I’ll put church on the TV while I go out to brunch this Sunday and try to convert the dog. PLEASE. Love, Flipit.
Beak was planning on doing a cheese tart, but Foo Foo talks her into doing a souflee instead. You know what? Foo Foo needs to simmer down. I don’t know where Juanita went, but she needs to snap out of it and remind Foo that she lost already. On the other hand, maybe Foo’s influence will pull out a win? I’m skerd. Beaker tries to pep talk herself by comparing this last hour to the last six and a half miles in a marathon. I’d be dead by the .05 marker, so I guess I’m in awe of them if this is anything like running. Ronda and Juanita, who have been pretty silent so far, wake up and start pep talking Beak until she’s back on track.
How many bad hairstyles can one person wear at the same time? All he’s missing is a duck tail and a couple of dreads.
D.) The late Dave Thomas
Diet Dr. Pepper: You can be a certifiably fucknut wackjob too! Craaaaack!
The judges arrive at the Commander’s Palace, and something tells me we are in the whorehouse section.
Where the seniors at?
Gail is back, and she’s not wearing Anna’s Linens today. But her dress still doesn’t fit for crap, so I’m happy to see her. Toby’s back, too. BOOOOO. Scar welcomes all the guest judges and thanks them for being here. Hosea is first to present and he’s freaking out at all the celebrity judges. Rocco’s there! OMG I’ve had the frozen pasta your mom makes for you!
Hosea’s blackened red fish app looks pretty intricate. For Hosea. Well done, Richard! I hope Scar’s not stoned yet cuz you know she’s gonna try to eat that shot glass. Trachea scars would do her no good cuz no one can put those on the cover of magazines. WARNING!
The judges all loved it. Stefan’s next and says that he doesn’t care that Hoser threw him the alligator curve ball, he’s gonna beat his ass anyway. I think it’s a bad idea to announce that you’ve used an ingredient pronounced “celery yuck” in the finale, but that’s just me.
No one has anything bad to say about his app either. Fabio talks about the ingredients with the French guest judge and I have to rewind a few times to understand what the f they were saying. “Ze cwuto!” “Eees interesting!” “Booefoolz”. I’ll bet that room is musky right now. Beaker’s next, and she makes the mistake of letting Ronda intro the dish. She acts like she’s welcoming new pledges into the sorority house and the judges look skerd.
Again, the judges love it. Even this guy, who’s lost.
Crab was good. Where the hos at?
The judges gather at a long table, Last Supper Style. But with fewer hot grungy guys.
At least one of your asses is getting crucified, so let’s get this party started.
Scar introduces the judges, but come on there are twelve of them. We’ll be here all night. Just when I started to doze off, there’s the sound of dishes crashing to the floor and then a loud giggle. “You got crap all over my gown! Ah well guess I’ll have to TAKE IT OFF!” Then a naked chick runs in and jumps on the table.
My invite must have gotten lost in the mail, BITCHES!
Awkward cut to commercials. When we come back, Sharon Stone has refused to leave and claims that she’ll donate a hundred bucks to her AIDS Foundation in the winner’s name. “I love Project Runway!” Gail looks like she’s gonna throw up, but Scar’s all for it cuz Sharon’s always holding. Daddy Tom just stares at her boobs and the French guy asks her to put out her cigar. She sticks out her tongue and swallows it whole. Sharon Stone is one sick bitch.
The chefs present their first courses.
Plaid Suit That’s Too Big for Him Guy loves Beakers fish dish, calling it something special. Daddy Tom starts in about “liking the idea of it” but Creepy Redhead Lady cuts off his negative tangent and says it reminds her of the first time she went to France and has fish soup, which is weird cuz she reminds me of the first creepy French lady I saw mime.
Seriously I thought she was going up and down a real spiral staircase.
She says that she wanted to like Hosea’s dish cuz it popped to her eye but not in her mouth. Sharon says that she should only let guys pop in her mouth if she’s in love or if they produce films and Scar lifts her glass to that one. Fabio jumps in for his butt buddy and notes that Hosea’s dish lacks salt. Sharon says it wouldn’t have lacked salt if he popped in their mouth and Tom tells her to quiet down. She tells Creepy Red Head that she looks like Benjamin Button at birth and security comes in and drags her out kicking and screaming and giving everyone a beaver shot. I’ll miss ya, Shar!!
Back to food. Tom thinks Stefan’s salmon is overpowering and too watery but the French guy liked it. Toby thinks Beaker’s was the only dish of the three that had real personality. Things are kinda silent and awkward after Sharon’s departure, so while they wait for the next course, Creepy Red Head pretends she’s trapped in a glass box.
The next courses come out. You can’t see it in this pic, but Hosea totally used a Monkey Spit Foam made by Richard. I wonder how much Richard actually did here. Hosea has never made food that’s looked this good. NOT ONCE. Beaker’s steak falls way flat. Gail says it’s too tough and Tom says the sous vide took away all the spontaneity. Damn you, Bunny Foo Foo!! Fabio adds that as a former contestant “eez no a undredgrand deesh!” Former contestant. Former. Zip it, looza! Everyone loves Stefan’s squab, which is not duck. Gail also goes wild for Hosea’s foie, but Rocco thinks foie is tired. Shit I’m on the same page as Rocco. Let me think about something else.
Gail is sad that Beaker didn’t pull through, and Tom thinks Stefan’s dessert was meh. Gail thinks it’s very 1982. Whatever Gail you liked the foie. Tom gives Hosea props for his perfectly cooked venison. Fabio turns on Stefan and wonders aloud why Stefan put out a hack dessert as his last dish. SLAM!! Wow. I’m reminded of the time as a kid my hamster ate her babies. Slimy and gross but I couldn’t stop watching.
Ambiguously Gay Solo
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! Scar stays with Fabio and asks who deserves to win between Hosea and Stefan and he chooses HOSEA!! WTF? If Mama ain’t happy taint NOBODY happy. What a slimy little hooah. He does know this is being filmed, right? I take back every nice thing I ever said about Fabio. If I ever did. Would Shirley sell out Laverne? Wait. I guess she kinda did. Never mind. Still, HATE. French Dude brings the discussion back down to reality and says he’s disappointed with any chef who refuses to make dessert because any chef worth his beans should know how to do every course. Creepy Redhead Mime lady raises her glass to that.
That chin sure knows how to emote. It’s speaking like ten languages right now.
Then French guy asks if they can speed this up cuz his Delorean’s double parked.
I muzz get bake to ze fujure!
Then Gail’s boobs get even bigger.
Beaker knows that she boned it pretty hard and is upset with herself. She doesn’t blame Foo Foo and even attempts to smile and pretend everything’s ok, but we all know what’s going on on the inside.
Hosea thanks Richard and tells us that he can “hold his head on high” because he did his best. Hey doesn’t Richard look like he can be evil Ben’s chubby pasty son on Lost?
Hosea goes on about how he was going for “bold flavors” and says he enjoyed sticking Stefan with the alligator. Toby thinks the app was lacking citrus but Tom loved the foie. Gail and Scar concur. Scar and Tom liked the venison, but Toby called him out on not making dessert. Hosea says he would rather express himself through savory flavors. BOLD savory flavors. Stefan gets complimented on his alligator soup, but no one was too into his frozen carpaccio. Stefan gets defensive and asks if it tasted good or not. They’re all used to his tude and basically give him a meh. Tom did think the squab was the strongest dish of the night, but then they grill him about his 1982 dessert. Gail asks him if he regrets it and he says no.
When asked why he wins Stefan says he’s been consistent and deserves it. Hosea says bold flavors a lot and gets all shifty eyed. Beaker starts on about her heart, but then she bawls because she messed up tonight. Stefan gives her a hug and gets a little teary himself. AW!!! I have salty wetness on my cheek right now. I think I have a cold or some shit.
The Judges, in alone time, automatically take Beaker out of the running. Toby liked Stefan’s menu because it was structurally the best and his squab won the night. Tom was mortified by the frozen fish and no one was too impressed with his dessert. Scar called it “pedestrian at best”. I take offense to that, but I’m eating cookie dough mixed with coffee grounds and a melted popsicle right now so sue me.
Look on the bright side, Beak! The pedestrians like you!
Gail likes Hosea best and Tom thinks he lacked soul. Toby points out that if they’re going to judge on soul then Beak would win. Then Tom’s all no.
Who let you back in here?
Back in the holding tank, Stefan and Beak are both crying. Probably because they have to sit there and listen to Hosea yammer on about himself as always and claim he did it all on his own and repeat bold flavors over and over. I’d cry too.
Is John Travolta bringing his Hairspray character to Bravo?
The chefs are called back in. Daddy Tom tells Beak that she’s three lovely women and they loved eating her heart. Hosea was steady (that’s like someone coming to your show and saying how much they liked the costumes) and Stefan had amazing highs and some lows too and should probably read How To Win Friends and Influence Your Gay Italian Boyfriend so He Doesn’t Stab You in the Back in the Finale. HOSER WINS!!!
That is the imprint of my forehead beating my keyboard. HATE HATE HATE. You were perfectly mediocre until the end. Congrats! This is ALMOST as bad as Ilan. Now my indents are all f ed up and I can’t fix them. Thanks, HOSER.
Stefan is big about it and says that he refuses to be bitter. Well more bitter than he naturally is. Beaker is the most heartbreaking cuz she’s still sobbing. She says that she’s proud for showing people a different way to compete. How’s that? With love, of course! As she cries, Juanita sings a gorgeous rendition of Danny Boy while Ronda shuffles a deck of cards.
I’m done. Can’t take any more. I will see you guys next week for the reunion, where Hoser will make me want to throw up all over again. WTF?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit