Top Chef: Vegeterrorism

50 Comments

1. 1
   oldmomoftoddlerboys
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 11:03 am

   Once again great recap, J-Mo! ‘…looks like Scar’s Halloween costume was “Kelly Garrett” from Charlie’s Angels…’ Spot on! The smart angel might I add. I thought it was quite interesting about the Volts having mom cooked meals every night and then somehow ended up living with their dad. Not that I am in the habit of diagnosing reality tv people *sacrasm*, (well, really family members are the most fun and yet sad), I have the impression that the Volts have some unresolved trama. This might explain the dynamics of the two. It tends to also lead into Lil Volts’ behavior. I do apologize for inferring much into snippets from a television show, but if I can’t judge others, how am I suppose to feel better about myself?

2. 2
   zerocool
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:02 pm

   Great outcome and great recap. Why didn’t anyone make pasta?

   But what surprised me the most in this episode was when Big Volt smiled. I honestly don’t remember him smiling before. He looks more handsome when he doesn’t. Perhaps it confirms the Volt family trama theory.

3. 3
   messystation
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:07 pm

   Aww, JMo, I love you so much, I would lend you my hubby, who could be Dirty Bear’s twin.

   Momof: I think Sabrina was the smart Angel.

   Does cooze mean C-unit? Cuz, if so, the answer to your question is “No”. She is not kind of a cooze. She is a major cooze. Dear Natalie: I am a vegetarian because I am missing my colon and I cannot digest meat. For ME, this is a challenge. For you, it is a LIFESTYLE CHOICE. Secondly, I read you just became a vegan, so if being a vegetarian was such a challenge, why did you CHOOSE to restrict yourself more? My guess is anorexia. Additionally, I never have a problem getting meatless meals anywhere, even most high end steak houses have awesome sides and salads. I know, those NYC restaurants are so lacking in diversity.

   And can I just say, I wish Pigshit had made more of an ass of himself when he left. Like maybe asking the judges, “Seriously???” and storming out. While I am glad he left, his reaction left me unsatisfied.

4. 4
   LuckyLouie
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:08 pm

   See, J-Mo, I knew you could muster some more vegetarian humor. Well done!

   I was laughing so hard that the Pig got cut before Robin! In my book, she can go now, but if she can outlast Eli, that would be the icing on the cake.

   I truly hope Jen gets her head back in the game. Between the fatigue, plus facing the Volts and Kevin I don’t think she has it in her to win anymore, but she deserves to be in the final four.

   Awesome job by Kevin. Lil’ Volt is exponentially becoming a bigger baby, while Big Volt is cool-headed and consistent.

   I’m glad you referenced the infamous Banana Scallop, that crossed my mind as soon as the Pig started to describe his master plan. Great call on the used condom, and I loved the “You can have dogshit in the shape of candybars and it’s still gonna taste like dogshit” line. Awesome stuff.

   All in all, Nat wasn’t near as bad as Zooey. Being a vegetarian rather than a vegan, I’m surprised no one made fish, but I guess that was off limits?

   Great season so far, this could be the best final group they’ve ever had, depending on how it plays out.

   Great job as always J-Mo!

   - Louie

5. 5
   LuckyLouie
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:17 pm

   By the way, kudos for calling out Natalie on her “chefs have to improvise” bullshit. You’re exactly right, they improvise because if you’re Natalie Portman, otherwise, you are SOL.

   @messystation -
   Good call, and sorry to hear about your challenge. It is a choice, based on your beliefs. She believes it’s wrong to eat animals, and I, and many others, believe in the food chain. And you’re right, if that is hard, why go completely vegan?

   From now on, if ever I’m completely in a situation in which I have no logical explanation, my new mantra will be “whatever, whatever, it is what it is”. Thanks Pigshit!

6. 6
   NotWithoutMyTV
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:37 pm

   I’d like to make a motion to have the following people tarred and feathered:

   1. The hairstylist working on Top Chef. WTF is that person smoking?? My wife claims there is no TC stylist, and those dumb ‘dos are just “in” right now. But why would 50 something Robin and 20 something Little Volt both have the same douche spiked hair? It was time for Sexist Pig to go simply because they’d given him the fauxhawk down the middle and some sort of Wolverine abortion thing going on the sides… Fat Kid looks like Sonic, if Sonic were an amphibian rather than a hedgehog.

   2. Whoever dresses Gail. Because, damn, the stuff she wears represents some unfortunate moments in televised fashion…

   3. Tewible Towby, who even on improved behavior, is still like having an unlanced boil on your ass when you’ve just started a car trip to the Grand Canyon.

   4. Anybody who would say anything bad about Natalie Portman. Who is an angel straight from heaven, come to bring chaste sexiness into all our lives.

7. 7
   jelliepair
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:42 pm

   Do you think the rules of this elimination challenge was no pasta, rice or other grains?

   I cant believe Robin is still there – she should have been gone long before Ashley and even Matin. I agree it would be fitting if fat kid was kicked off next but that is just too close for comfort. While I think you have Mike I. pegged properly as a tool, he was a much better chef than Robin. How is it she hasnt packed up her knives yet?

   And Jen – helloooo, what the hell happened to her? Its almost like she’s throwing the challenges!

8. 8
   oldmomoftoddlerboys
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm

   zerocool: LOL and I would love to know the movie that references zerocool. Please tell.

   messystation: You are right, I might add. It was Sabrina that was the smart one.
   I too am sympathetic to your challenge. My mom has dietary rescritions due to colon issues. She fortunately did not have to give up meat but anything with seeds, nuts, roughage kind of foods, and the like. It is tough on her but nothing like giving up meat would be. I wish you well and wellness.

9. 9
   knackered
   Posted November 3, 2009 at 12:59 pm

   How awesome would it have been if Fat Kid had gotten Seinfeld!
   He looks and whines SO MUCH like a young George Costanza. Ha!

10. 10
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 1:09 pm

    @messystation

    You lost your colon? Have you looked in all your jacket pockets?

    That’s where I always find my car keys.

11. 11
    jennaboa
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    “PussyCat Dolls performance (where the pants on my costume kept threatening to fall down onstage” = Authentic! You rock, J-Mo!

12. 12
    carmelicious
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Gosh, it felt so good to see Pigshit defeated – “whatever, whatever, whatever!” HAHA! Dude, you lost, you lost BAD, you lost to Robin! HAHA

    So, I have to reiterate some questions from other commenters – was there NOTHING but raw vegetables for the chefs to choose from? I kept thinking, why is no one using cheese, or making pasta, or tex/mex, or beans, rice…I could go on and on! I had to rewind to make sure she said “vegetarian” and not “vegan” and she definitely did NOT say vegan. The only thing I could guess is that Craftsteak just had nothing for them to use except raw veggies, and frankly that just didn’t sit well with me for this challenge – they were so limited – when vegetarians can really eat much more than simple veggies..

    Great recap! As usual! Still on Team Jen, but I totally agree that she seems to lost some of her fire and drive! Oh well, hopefully she’ll get some sleep and turn it out –

13. 13
    pixielated
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I have actually had chefs improvise for me, and I’m not a celebrity. Once I was sick and craving fruit salad, and my mom got one from the hotel restaurant, even though it wasn’t on the menu. Of course, she is very persuasive.

    Why did the chefs all cook vegan when it was a vegetarian challenge? They could have used cheese, eggs, yogurt, cream, etc. Vegetarians eat animal products, just not animal flesh. Yeah, and why no pasta?

    Most of the dishes didn’t include a protein and most of them looked mighty skimpy, so I’m not sure why they were picking on Pigshit and Jen for that. I actually thought Jen’s looked “heartier” than some of the others.

    This was one of your funniest recaps yet, JMo!

14. 14
    viane slice
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm

    I admit it: I actually howled with triumph when Sexist Swine was kicked off before 80s Hooker. HA!
    If 80s Hooker leaves next, she must bestow her Nerves of Steel on BitterJen. She’s acting like a lonely female, weepy and wishing she had a man. Did you see her jump on Sexist Swine? Even the judges were staring like what was that? What was that anyway?

    You know I really don’t listen to L’il Volt’s rantings. It’s like background noise. He does have the skillz but his attitude is killing him. It’s sad too. I remember seeing the part when Big volt admitted that he didn’t get all his components on his dish- it was some kind of breaded something. LV took a bite and said it tasted greasy anyway. Pathetic.

    Oh I thought it was sweet to see Big Volt smile. He looked happy and proud of his craft. I can see why he’s a family man. I wonder what his wife and offspring look like.

    I’ve been watching Natalie Portman since she was a stunning 13 year old on The Professional. She was sublime in Closer. Not too many people can look great bald like she did in V for Vendetta.

    Ok, she does act entitled but not as much as some other celebrities I could name. But if you were handed a great life on silver platter you’d be entitled too. And she’s a Harvard graduate no less.

15. 15
    User Name
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 4:09 pm

    “Why did the chefs all cook vegan when it was a vegetarian challenge? They could have used cheese, eggs, yogurt, cream, etc. Vegetarians eat animal products, just not animal flesh. Yeah, and why no pasta?

    ”

    Depends on the strain of vegetarian.

    There are vegetarians or used to be that ate chicken.

    Also as far as I am concerned eggs, fish are meat.

    There are vegetarian diets that don’t have either or just have fish.

    Plus natalie portman describes herself as vegan as of 2009.

    “I’ve been watching Natalie Portman since she was a stunning 13 year old on The Professional. ”

    Yeah pity that Leon or for that matter the prior film by the same director “La Femme Nikita” isn’t that well known to American audiences nor the French actor in it. Plus there are quite a few different versions of the movie.

    It’s amazing how many so called Portman fans just think she has just done the Star Wars films.

16. 16
    cbc-cca
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 5:02 pm

    “…I was able to grab one of the testicles of the inflatable penis costume and protect myself…” Hahahahaha!!! Oh, the visual in my head. Hilarious!!!

    The actual episode was “Meh” for me. (Except for the last ten minutes of the show.) Vegetarian challenges are Zzzzzzz. Your re-cap however, is one of the best parts of watching this show for me. LOVE!!

    I actually thought when Bitter was talking about relating to Pebbles etc. was almost endearing. Cute!

    When Kevin said he “a soft spot in his heart for a well-prepared frozen meal” … Heh! And his jaunty wink when he won and wanted his pic on the box… Ha! GREAT screen capture.

    More great screen cap moments: When Jen is holding up two fingers portraying the li’l bitty eggplants and your caption “or describing Fat Kid’s Queen Amidala boner” … Hahahaha! And Fat Kid’s beany adorned noggin “… ask my Queen Amidala bop bag” ROFLMAO! and “splootch”. OMG! Ewwww!!! But Hahahahaha!

    Really nice catch w/ the almost de-nippling of poor Robin. I missed that!

    I thought Gail was wearing an homage to the veggie challenge by using big leafy cabbages on her shoulders.

    Yay for Kevin! This is my first season watching TC … is this the first time in TC history that someone has won both the QF and the Elimination?

    @vianeslice: If you go the the bravo/top chef website and look at the chef’s bios … Bryan has photos up of both his wife and his baby. Cute little sparky.

    I must admit I actually said HA! when Mike I got sent home and did a Major eye roll when baby Fat Kid started kicking the wall. Whatta snot.

    Bummed that they are doing the reunion show. I just want to know who goes next!

    Probably 80′s Hooker but wouldn’t it be sweet if Fat Kid went? One can dream.

17. 17
    2muchbravo
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Yeah, I wondered about the lack of other stuff available for the elim. challenge. On Tom’s blog he said Craft was stocked with great produce. They usually spell out all the guidelines when they announce the challenge. So, I’m perplexed why there were no grains, pasta, fish, diary, tofu, or how ’bout a good hearty cream of mushroom soup? They’ve always gone gaga for a good soup. I refuse to believe Tom’s kitchen wasn’t well stocked in every area.

    Someone should send a question about it in to Andy Cohen for the reunion show.

18. 18
    pixielated
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 7:17 pm

    I’m a vegetarian, “User Name,” and I would expect a chef to use eggs and dairy products unless I said otherwise.

    That still doesn’t explain the lack of grains. Face it, this ended up a vegan challenge without grains, which is not what it started out to be.

19. 19
    kizarny
    Posted November 3, 2009 at 9:50 pm

    Wonderful recap J-Mo, as always. Don’t you love a good comeuppance? We must all ask the Mighty Scallop of Karma to roll over Eli next, he’s certainly earned it.

    My distant Natalie Portman connection: my fella took her student ID photo when she started at Harvard. I mean, he was the one working the camera, not that he lifted it from her purse or anything. He said that she was a little underwhelming in person but definitely recognizable. She may have been really good in Leon but she she was still invisible when Jean Reno or Gary Oldman was onscreen. And that movie had the one almost icky moment where I suddenly blurted out “Oh God, don’t kiss her!” One of the best death scenes though.

    oldmomoftoddlerboys: re: zerocool, it helps if you were really into computers.

20. 20
    jadestarla
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 1:10 am

    LMAO at “Carry a Ziploc of carrot sticks with you and stop trying to ruin Burger King for everyone else!…” Seriously!! I have a few vegetarian/vegan friends and they have the good sense not to say a word about eating meat to me. And they manage to find something to eat wherever we go.

    And although I see the teensy bit of cooziness on the Volt Bros, I actually like them. At least they’re talented! I’m over Robin. She should have been gone a long time ago.

21. 21
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 7:02 am

    I have had chefs improvise for me as well (but not because I am veg). Granted, they were at high end restaurants. In fact, I remember ordering a dish once and the chef came out and said that he didn’t feel that the protein was up to par and because he felt bad, he offered to make me something not even on the menu. It was FABULOUS and better than anything on the menu (which is saying a lot). Apparently the dish that I originally ordered wasn’t supposed to be on the menu because of the meat issue. But hey, they could have just said that I had to choose something else. That place was yum. But they improvised at Taco Bell too! I went there for lunch with a veg friend and they substituted the meat in the tacos with the refried beans.

    Anyway… I am SO glad to have seen the last of Sexist Pigshit competing on this show. While there are still a few douchebags, the quotient is lessened. Now if we can just get rid of Eli. I don’t even hope for getting rid of Lil Volt because he is a good chef even if he is also an asshole. He’ll be there a while.

    Jen really needs to get a helmet and get back in the game. She is one of my favorites and I would love to see a final three with her, DirtyBear and Big Volt. DB for the win though.

    J-Mo great recap as always! So funny! And that splooch thing had me laughing out loud. So awesome!

22. 22
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 7:05 am

    Oh! I forgot my Natalie comments. I think she is an outstanding actress. Very talented. And I love her movies. However, whenever I have seen her as herself, she seems to be a bit of a “cooze” as J-mo put it. She just takes herself entirely too seriously. And you can’t blame Harvard either. I know lots of Harvard grads who have a sense of humor and aren’t assholes.

23. 23
    slutty_whore
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 7:20 am

    The oral sex jokes at the dinner table were pretty funny… Padma saying, “a little prick on my tongue…” and NP saying how that could’ve been taken out of context! LOLs all around!

24. 24
    fawm316
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 8:18 am

    I thought I read on Gail and Tom’s blog that they could use grains and were disappointed ’cause only two people used them, lil volt in his polenta and I don’t remember the second one. I think they were allowed to use dairy as well and just didn’t and that is another reason the judges were so disapointed. Byebye little piggie

25. 25
    magrinch
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 9:42 am

    I did such a big happy dance when Pigshit got eliminated that I scared the dog. BTW, I have every episode of the iconic Cop Rock on tape. Might have to watch it this weekend with a tasty TV dinner.

26. 26
    kara
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 9:48 am

    Bravo J-Mo, in every recap you do at least 3 things:

    -send me into peals of uncontrollable laughter

    -educate me on food/food components, a technique, a pop culture reference, etc

    -draw my attention to something I previously hadn’t noticed (in this ep it was the near-denippling of Robin)

    and you do it all SO well. Excellent recap!

27. 27
    kara
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 9:49 am

    Also, I forgot to mention. PRETTY sure that Natalie and the judges all dipped into Scar’s stash of the dank…. maybe she couldnt cause of the bun in the oven, but she probably at least got a second hand high. They sure seemed high! (Drunk?)

28. 28
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Wait… who has a bun in the oven?

29. 29
    kara
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 10:28 am

    Padma/Scar does… not sure if she did during the filming of this episode (and I mean timeline wise not get-rid-of0baby-wise) but she does currently.

30. 30
    Yanksfan24
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 10:36 am

    Not sure who the commenter was (sorry I am too lazy to scroll up!) but I noticed that Lil Volt tasted Big Volt’s tempure/fried whatever and said it was greasy anyway. What an ass!

    great ep though and Snootchy Bootches…Padma is preggers. Wouldn’t an awesome challenge for next season be cooking for her baby shower?

31. 31
    PottyMouth
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 10:43 am

    I laughed my ass off when Sexist Pigshit got the boot!! SO HAPPY!!!!

    Fat Kid is a little whiny baby and his mom needs to give him an ass whooping when he gets home.

    I thought Jen got screwed on the quickfire – why would you have a Flintstones challenge and not have any big ass bone-in steaks in the pantry? Shenanigans!!

    J-Mo, thanks for the pix of Monsieur Ripert! Even if he did have the demon eyes!!

    Another fabulous recap that had me choking back laughter. Which must sound somewhat like sneezing because some dude kept saying “bless you” to me. Unless he’s really worried about the state of my soul or something.

    SWAK, PottyMouth

32. 32
    reckless_saturn_11
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 10:44 am

    Face it this episode sucked. It was boring and no one really put forth anyone effort in regards to the food. Which would explain how Fat Kid made it into the final three. I do think Dirty Bear did put forth a good effort and deserved the double win.

    The only highlight of this episode was the reference to Troop Beverly Hills in the recap. “When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping!” I still can remember words to their chant- that is pretty bad.

    Complete side bar: But this is why I feel blessed for having so many gay male friends because they keep me on my toes in regards to pop culture references and have taught me how to practice some serious social kung fu. This is also why I have room in my brain for very little else because I need store away any scrap, however obscure, to anything pop culture from the last 30 years. Thank you, J-Mo, for keeping my memory and wit sharp. I wish there was a way to donate to the J-Mo human fund for all the laughter and one liners you have provided me.

    Alright. Well that really had nothing to do with the show. But there wasn’t much else to comment on. Except that I am really pulling for Dirty Bear and hope that he doesn’t choke like other previous Top Chef hopefuls like Richard Blaise and Stefan. ( Although it has been theorized that Stefan choked on purpose, but still the win shouldn’t have gone to Hoser.)

    And I would like to see Bitter Jen in the end, see what I did there, but I have a feeling that the little engine that could has little steam left.

    I am happy that 80′s Hooker beat out Sexist Pigshit because that is just too awesome for words. I hate to say that is what he deserved, but it was. He had it coming to him with all the sexist bullshit that poured out of his mouth.

    Although she should have been told to pack up her knives and go when she screwed up with the Kowboy Kampout. I am glad to see that you have come around to my way of thinking. That she has been left on to create a bit of drama. I know the judges claim that they only vote based on the people’s food and not their personalities, but in the end the producers have the the final say on who stays and who goes.

33. 33
    slutty_whore
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 11:04 am

    J-Mo, since there’s no new episode tonight, will you be recapping the All-Star dinner thing they’re doing?

34. 34
    juddfan
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 11:10 am

    So many great comments and such a great recap!!! J-mo, I so thank you for all the research you must do for these, you are hearted by all!!!!

    Must say I was in heaven this whole epi–I knew by the edit there was a good chance pigshit was going to bite it, and I too danced around the house hooting and scaring the pussies!!!

    At least 80′s was good for serving him!!! yay!!! I only wish she hadn’t had a giant FAIL again, would have felt a bit better with her at least in the middle.

    Pigshit is up there for biggest douche of all, yes . . . worse than Lisa, just an idiot from epi 1 on . . . alltho, Marcell . . . hmm . . .

    Like all here, I hope for Jen to step up, but DB has this in the bag, if you ask me, why give it to the douche bro when you have a sweety like him to reward.

    So, if it is a reunion show, at least Carla’s back.

    I can’t blame Natalie for Star Wars–could have been a cardboard cut out crying, “Ani, ani . . .” So frickin’ terrible, literally sterile and void of any emotion. Does it take a genius director to realize part of what made the first (second) three so good was that Leia was a firecracker, and actually did something . . . UGH!!!!

    Nat’s a little lacking in the charismatic department, liked her a bit better here, the banter at dinner was fun. Haven’t seen all her films, but she’s hardly the worst, IMHO . . .

    Ironically, for Halloween we did a pot luck here, and one guy made Curry Garbonza beans and it was sooooo fabulous–it won first prize–perhaps he should go on TC . . . harrummmph!

    HEARTS and FLOWERS, J-mo, you’ve taken the art of the TC recap to new heights!!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXXO

35. 35
    silver
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    Everyone has said it all and said it so well.

    I’d just like to add my “Huzzah” to J-Mo. You took a blah episode and made it worth watching again–this time with your commentary in my head. Hee hee.

    About Natalie… I really like her. Did anyone ever see her in SNL in those short films. I love that she could poke fun at herself.

    I hope to see your recap of tonight’s reunion.

36. 36
    zerocool
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 2:10 pm

    kizarny & oldmomoftoddlerboys: “re: zerocool, it helps if you were really into computers”

    …or really love bad movies and are waaay too embarrased to admit to it….and secretly lust after the actor…..

37. 37
    dani2526
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 2:29 pm

    Best recap EVER! The only one that came close was a Kid Nation recap from a couple years ago! I LOVED that show!!

    The only thing I have to add here is that the criticisms of Jen’s portion size during judgment was ridiculous! It was no smaller than all the other plates. None of them appeared to be entree sized.

    All the judges seemed to get more and more wasted throughout the night. I love DirtyBear, though I wonder if his dish won because he got to serve last?

    I’d have to go back and see, but how many of the early dishes got on the chopping block?

38. 38
    NYdiva
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 2:44 pm

    I’m embarrassed to confess that when I look at those pix of Monsieur Ripert with glowing eyes I can feel my temperature rising. Damn. I was already turned on by him. But in triplicate? Heaven. I’m in heaven.

    Now J-Mo, I hate to one-up you, friend, but MY fair city hosts the infamous, notorious, Greenwich Village Thanksgiving parade. Giant penises? 6’4″, 260 pound Pussycat Dolls? Please. Those are just the observers on the sidelines! Not only do we have nude cowboy disco floats, but each year some paraders come up with odder and odder combination costumes. Like maybe a Brittany zombie with butterfly wings and a Darth Vader helmet… on stilts. Wearing a self-contained coffin. Nobody’s heard of restraint around these parts. And we can match your sidewalks soaked in urine gallon for gallon.

    But back to food. I am a proud carnivore. It’s practically a religion with me. And having been raised in the South, the only vegetarian items I want to see on my plate are white bread and mayonnaise. But even I have tasted some delicious dishes with alternative proteins. Last week I had chick peas twice. Once as a curry and once with potatoes, seasoned with cumin and other heady spices. And I recently had a salad of farro (or quinoa?), with charred corn and caramelized shallots and aromatic herbs. Yummy.

    These chefs all relied on very narrow flavor profiles. Why not Mexican, or Indian, or Thai? All are delicious cuisines that don’t rely on meat.

    I join in rejoicing the departure of sexist douche. And I agree that junior douche should go next, just because it will drive him crazy to lose to Robin. However… Robin? Really? Is this another case of being consistantly bad while others are occasionally terrible, thus sparing her through some fluke each week? Fine. That’s what happened with Lisa, though she did okay in the finals. But that’s not going to happen this season. So now it’s time to get serious. Bye-bye birdie.

39. 39
    zbird
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 5:14 pm

    “where the jokes about how far away it is have run dry. You’re welcome”

    Nooooooooooo!!!!!

    Jmo, those are seriously one of the funniest parts of your recap. I laugh my ass off everytime and marvel at your ability to come up with a new one each week.

    *sniff* *cry*

    Okay, I love you anyway.

40. 40
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 5:43 pm

    Thanks for the info! I had no idea. So I had to google to see who fathered her baby… but she isn’t talking! Shall we start a pool? I guess the guy the media thought she was hooking up with turned out to be her cousin. She has apparently been linked with some multi billionaire, but my money is on Twewwible Toby! lol

41. 41
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    While I was watching, I was thinking that the small eggplants (aka Indian eggplants) that Jen was stuck with were the better choice than the bigger ones bc they are less bitter and don’t require “salting”…

    but I was mistaken.

    reading on…

42. 42
    NotWithoutMyTV
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    @Snootchy Bootches

    Well, I wanted to keep it private, but it was me. I put the vindaloo in Padma’s oven.

    That’s right. We rocked it till the sun came up. The hotel bed had Magic Fingers, but we didn’t need no quarters.

    She told me Salmon Rushdie was the better writer, but when it comes to launching heat-seeking missiles of pure love, NotWithoutMyTV is the one she wants.

    Oh yeah.

43. 43
    LostinEmotion
    Posted November 4, 2009 at 9:03 pm

    Wow. J-Mo, you are the best. Funny, funny, funny! This was the best yet. However, I think you must go back to riduculing the M Resort. Also, I demand that you post a video of the happy dance i know you did when Robin outlasted that Pigshit Prick!

    Smiles! Thank you for doing a work that brings joy to so many!

44. 44
    Snootchy Bootches
    Posted November 5, 2009 at 3:29 am

    NotWithoutMyTv, you are a funny MoFo. Not to be confused with J-Mo of course who is a funny J-MoFo.

45. 45
    J-Mo
    Posted November 5, 2009 at 12:14 pm

    Wow, you guys really brought it this week! I LOVE it!!

    oldmomoftoddlerboys… Thanks for the love. Actually, I tend to look upon ALL of the Angels as having been “smart” ones because they got out of all the shit jobs they USED to have to do and instead got to be karate champs and fashion photographers and roller-derby chicks and hookers and stuff. It’s a total Win-Win. Also, I think you might be right about there being serious family issues in Clan Volt! xoxo

    zerocool… one look at him and I knew that Big Volt didn’t know how to “smize” (See LoLo’s fabulous recaps for ANTM if that stupid word doesn’t make any sense). Then again, he’s stuck on TV with his little brother doing everything possible to besmirch the family name, so I guess he wouldn’t have much practice smizing, right? xoxo

    messystation… You are the sweetest EVER! Do you really have a hubby who looks just like DirtyBear? If he’s even HALF as sweet then you are one lucky commenter! Yes cooze = cu~t, and I agree with what you said, it’s annoying when people (especially celebrities) make personal choices that are restrictive and then complain about how hard it is for everyone else to overcome them to their satisfaction. P.S. I hope I didn’t offend with my colostomy bag joke a couple of recaps back. xoxo

    LuckyLouie… Thanks for the love! And I have to agree with you about one thing: At least Natalie Portman isn’t out there shilling for Cotton and singing in a breathy, off-key voice that it’s the fabric of her life! xoxo

    NotWithoutMyTV… I agree with you completely on numbers 1-3, but in regards to #4, I feel I have to stand by what I said, she was kind of toolish. But I did love her cameo in “Cold Mountain”! Besides, the amount of tar and feathers it would take to do a fat boy like me would be extremely cost-prohibitive, not to mention environmentally damaging! xoxo

    jelliepair… I agree with you, Robin is consistently terrible, but unfortunately there has always been someone who has been able to be even more terrible every week, and that’s part of the reason I think she’s still there. Thanks for weighing in! xoxo

    knackered… OMG, good catch! Fat Kid is just as douchey as George, too! xoxo

    jennaboa… your comment = booger projectiles hurtling towards my desktop. It was THAT funny! Although I feel I should clarify, I wasn’t performing as one of the Dolls, just a fat version of one of their backup dancers, LOL! Thanks for the love! xoxo

    carmelicious… You and I did the same thing, I had to go back and listen carefully to see if she said “vegan” instead of “vegetarian” and I agree, they should have been doing way more pasta and grains, it would have made a lot of those dishes a helluva lot heartier. I’m wondering if they didn’t mis-hear her and think they had to do everything vegan-style? xoxo

    pixielated… Thank you sugarpie! And you GO for getting the movie-star treatment, I’m totally jealous now! xoxo

    viane slice… Good catch on the Big Volt missing fried food thing that Li’l Volt criticized! I was going to say something about it, but I ran out of room, and yeah, talk about nasty to taste something WAY after it should have been plated and served and then proclaim it to be grease-filled and gross. xoxo

    User Name… Thanks for the additional vegetarian info! Now I may have to check out some of Natalie’s other movies and see if she’s a better actress than I thought! xoxo

    cbc-cca… Thanks for all the kudos! Glad you liked so many of the screencaps, I try to catch the best/worst facial expressions possible. In response to your question about chefs who have won both the Quickfire and the Elimination, well, actually, strangely enough, the first to accomplish that was none other than fat, ugly Mikey in Season Two (he’s famous for the Quickfire in which he made a poopy-cheeto-pop), and after that, the honor goes to Hung from Season 3, Richard and Antonia from Season 4, and Stefan from Season 5… Kevin DirtyBear is the first from Season 6 to pull this off! xoxo

    2muchbravo… Isn’t Tom’s blog fun? He always has such great zingers in there (except for the time he stole the title I had chosen for MY recap, which was “Deconstruction Junction, What’s Your Function?” and then I was royally pissed at him.) Plus, I want to ask Andy Cohen about why he never picks my questions! I send in lots and lots! xoxo

    kizarny… Thanks so much for the love, and OMG, I live for the fact that you have a 2 degrees of separation from Natalie Portman story! Awesome! xoxo

    jadestarla… I’m with you, I don’t like proselytizing vegevores either. And tell me, does YOUR nickname have anything to do with a certain member of Pretty Poison? xoxo

    Snootchy Bootches… HA, I’m so glad the ‘splootch’ made people laugh instead of puke! And you go for getting star treatment at restaurants, I can barely get Burger King to make it my way half the time! xoxo

    slutty_whore… you’re right, I was kinda giggling during their little blowjob talk during dinner, but did it at all seem to you like Scar was totally giddy and kissing Nat’s ass? She seemed nervous around a celebrity. Unless her pills were kicking in. xoxo

    fawm316… You are correct, Gail was especially disappointed in ALL the dishes, but then again, she wore that dress, so, it kinda cancels out any disappointment points she may have earned. xoxo

    magrinch… OMG, I did a dance and scared my kitty! And how wonderful that you have preserved “Cop Rock”! I only remember one scene from that show and it was a a dance number from inside a courtroom and if I remember right, everybody looked really gay. Which explains why I liked it so much. xoxo

    kara… girl, you aren’t just too kind, you’re 3 kind! Plus I think you’re right, I bet that whole table was drunk. xoxo

    Yanksfan24… I think an even FUNNER challenge would be if they had to make a gourmet dish out of nothing but baby food. Wouldn’t that be great? xoxo

    PottyMouth… LOLOLOL I love that Demon Ripert turns you on! Seriously, you’re super sweet and lovely, just like candy and VitaMeataVegeMin! xoxo

    reckless_saturn_11… I am asking Santa to please get me “Troop Beverly Hills” on DVD for Christmas. I’ve been a very good boy. And honey, your comments ARE a donation to the J-Mo Human Fund! xoxo

    slutty_whore… Yes, I am actually working on the Reunion Dinner now. xoxo

    juddfan… Boy, you’re too sweet to me! Thanks for all the compliments! And yay for having a little more Beaker Carla in our lives! xoxo

    silver… Thank you so much, I’m about to cry from all the love that’s dripping down on me here! And I may have to YouTube the NatPort SNL appearance, I heard it was pretty funny actually. xoxo

    dani2526… Wow, that is WAY too sweet of you! Huggles! And as far as the theory about the serving order, it went 80′s, Fat Kid, Li’l Volt, Bitter Jen, Sexist, Big Volt, DirtyBear which translates to low, high, high, low, low, middle, high. Hmmmmm. xoxo

    NYdiva… You TOO with the feral Frenchmen? All right, girl, I ain’t mad atcha! And yes, hands down, you win. xoxo

    zbird… honeychild, I really TRIED to do another M-joke, but when a half hour goes by and I’ve STILL got nothing, I sometimes just have to give up and move on. Flipit gets annoyed enough by my retardy-for-the-partyness. Thanks for the love, though! xoxo

    Donna Martin Graduates!… I’m curious, can eggplant be easily be deep-fried? I’ve never really had it that I can remember, but I think it might be tasty in chip form. Would it? xoxo

    NotWithoutMyTV… Three words. You GO boy. xoxo

    LostinEmotion… OMG, if your nick is a Lisa Lisa reference then I am already in love with you back. Thanks for the kind kudos, I’m so happy people enjoy the work I put into these recaps. Now, I wonder if I take you home, would you still be in love, bay-beh, because I need you to-niiiight! xoxo

    Wow, thanks guys, you’ve made my day, and I’m working on the Reunion Dinner as we speak, hope to have it posted in a couple of days!

    love, J-Mo

46. 46
    Donna Martin Graduates!
    Posted November 5, 2009 at 12:40 pm

    Eggplant are really porous, so they soak up a LOT of oil. They are usually salted then washed then shallow fried. Too soggy for chips. Kinda like zucchini fries turn out.

    Hey, didn’t Amidala say something tasted “disgusting” in the ads leading up to the episode, but not in the episode?

    Also, you say you are a vegetarian but you’ve never had fresh garbanzo beans??!!

    And yeah, where were all the grains? Couscous? Rice? Only one dish had lentils… they are so versatile. What about Quinoa?! That one is the “queen of grains” — delicious and full of protein, too.

    SO happy Sexist is gone!! Fatkid next, then 80s Hooker. God, she’s annoying!

    Team DirtyBear for the win, BitterJen 2nd place.

47. 47
    messystation
    Posted November 5, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    J-Mo, I generally am offended by colostomy bag joke (people who think jokes about appliances stinking or being gross are funny haven’t had one at 21), but yours wasn’t about colostomy bags per se, it was about them stinking when they leak (which is the ONLY time they stink). Kinda like if you had made a “crapping your pants” joke about a non-ostomate, which I suspect you have done before, so it’s all good.

    Yes, my hubby looks like DB. He even has a bald spot in the same place, which cracks us up, and my husband is a chicken wing fanatic (he even has a love song about Wing Street). Can’t cook worth a damn, though.

48. 48
    reckless_saturn_11
    Posted November 6, 2009 at 9:36 am

    Completely unrelated comment in regards to Top Chef. But my friend reminded me of a little moment from Halloween. I had, had a few drinks and stuff before getting into my costume. And when I put on my dress I noticed that it was squashing my boobs down in very unflattering way.

    My friend suggested that I tape my boobs up which neither him or I had ever done before. So while we are painfully trying to figure out how to do this with duck tape. I kept muttering, “I wish J-Mo was here.”

    So my friend asked me today who is this J-Mo person you were talking about and I had to admit that he is a man I have never met before, but I am convinced that he would know how to tape up a set of boobs. So I just thought you would like to know that a strange girl in DC is completely enthralled with you. Not in a weird creepy internet stalker way, but more like in a celebrity type way. I admire you and your sense of humor.

    Anyway I now understand why drag queens have a cadre of people helping them get ready. Putting it all together takes a lot of work. And why they are called drag queens because having people help you get dressed makes you feel very regal.

49. 49
    arizonatom
    Posted November 7, 2009 at 9:56 am

    Wait – I’m here! I almost missed this bus and I am out of breath, *pant* *pant*, but I finally made it.

    Great recap J-Mo!

    I have to say that I REALLY want to see FatAss go home before 80s Hooker, even though I am tired of her … but I am more tired of him and his ugly mug.

    Judging by that pic of Pebbles, it would be impossible for anybody to gather up all that hair into something small enough to drag her by.

    FatKid may have had homemade food, but I think I know the secret to him becoming fat. I’ll bet he was always dipping into the schmaltz for a snack. (if unfamiliar, schmaltz is the Yiddish word for chicken fat, which all good Jewish cooks save to flavor other dishes, much like Emeril or I would save bacon grease to use with vegetables, etc).

    It would have been hilarious if the M.A.S.H. meal would have been SOS!! Although, sometimes I really do have a small craving for creamed chipped beef on toast (aka Shit On a Shingle).

    Your comment on dogshit in the shape of candy bars brought to mind Mikey’s candy bar in the shape of dog shit when he did his poopy-cheeto-pop in the vending machine challenge.

    Hooker Nipples!! For the life of me I can’t think of anything funny to use this with, but it was just too good of an image to ignore.

    I think that most of the portions they presented were too small. One thing that annoys me with TC (all seasons) is the use of the tiny portions of food that you know they charge up the ass for in their restaurants. I know that the judges are often tasting several dishes, but at least put enough on the plate so you can taste it properly. Skimpy, skimpy, skimpy!

    If you think it’s annoying that you can’t always get Burger King to let you “have it your way”, at our KFC they can NEVER do an order properly, and I am not even asking for a special order of any kind. Does anyone else find that most fast food places just cannot get an order right the majority of the time? As they say, it ain’t rocket science – and I find it ANNOYING!!

    messystation: maybe you should send your hubby to apprentice under DirtyBear to learn how to cook? By the way – I have a vegan friend that usually is in town for Thanksgiving. One thing I do when making stuffing is set some aside for him with the bread, onions, celery, mushrooms and seasonings in it in a special bowl, before I add sausage and other stuff that I like to the main bowl. I moisten the ingredients in the special bowl with canned vegetable stock and it works just like “normal” stuffing. Cook as normal, or for a change, make into patties and either grill or pan-fry. The crispiness adds texture to the patty whether for eating plain, or put in a bun to be a “stuffing-burger”. Very tasty, easy to do, and the vegan seems to really enjoy it and appreciates the effort to offer up something more than just salad or vegetables.

    J-Mo, can’t wait to read the reunion recap!

    Lots O’ Love

50. 50
    Memememe
    Posted November 14, 2009 at 5:13 pm

    ~sigh~

    I *love* you guys.

    xox