Top Chef: Viva Las Vices!

Buenos Nachos, my fellow gastric gamblers! That there is a little Spanish that means “Good Doritos”. I just finished the recap for the Finale of Top Chef Masters literally minutes ago and here I am starting another one already. Needless to say I’m a tad punchy, which is the perfect frame of mind to be in when we’re about to meet seventeen new people that we get to make fun of…

…if only they wouldn’t make it so easy for us!…

…There is plenty to talk about, because this Season Six premiere of Top Chef is a “super-sized” episode, and before the 75 minutes are up we’ll be treated to androgyny, sexism, blood and a nearly-naked fat guy! God knows I can never get enough of that, so let’s take out our toques and take a big fat jump…Let me first just say that I love Las Vegas, as well as anything and everything that has to do with Vegas. In fact, a little known fact is that Showgirls is one of my all-time favorite movies (WaffleBoy, perhaps we should collaborate on a TrashBack in the near future?) and I just live for the place. In about two weeks I will be heading there myself with the BF and we’ll be attending a sort-of-convention with 750 other fat gay men (and Shannel from RuPaul’s Drag Race will be hosting!).

SO, now that I have that out of the way, let’s dive right in and meet our new crop of cheftestants, which Scar voice-overs is “our most talented group yet!” that includes highly skilled executive chefs, chefs that have trained under the very best, and James Beard nominees…

…some of whom take that honor more literally than others…

He’s kinda cute. Anyhow, Scar’s also saying that luck will play a “unique role” in the competition like never before. As in, we’ll be lucky if nobody gets stabbed before all is said and done, cuz this bunch looks more than a tad on the rode-hard-and-put-away-wet-side, y’all. There will also be a buttload of Master chefs that they’ll have to impress, and all for the hopes of winning a feature in Food & Wine Magazine, a showcase at Food & Whine’s annual classic event in Aspen, $100,000.00 of Macy’s merchandise (which, if you’re lucky, will get you a Slap-Chopper, a pair of Skechers boots and maybe an Ed Hardy hoodie with cool skulls all over it) and now they’ve upped the cash prize to $125,000.00 from Our Friends At Don’t-Get-Mad-Get-Glad-Family-Of-Products-Like-Press-N-Seal-Cling-Wrap-That-Does-NOT-Really-Work-On-Food-Items-In-Turbulent-Airplanes-Like-They-Show-In-That-Dumbass-Commercial. Oh, and the title… of Top Chef!

Okay, that’s cool that they’ve added an extra $25,000.00 to the prize, but that $100,000.00 of Macy’s merch is an interesting touch. If I were some of the previous season’s winners (like Illyawn or Dung or Hoser) I’d prolly be a tad bitter right now. ROFL. Way to go, TC! Let’s meet some cheftestants!

…hawt for a chubby leprechaun…

This is Kevin Gillespie, and they’re always after his lucky charms. He’s 26 and the exec chef/owner of Woodfire Grill in Atlanta (shoutout to NeNe, love you girl!) and says in his senior year he had a full scholarship to go to M.I.T. but he tossed it aside to go to cooking school instead. He damn well better be able to spell K-A-T or M.I.T.’s gonna breathe a big sigh of relief. I like him already, but long-ass beards like that totally creep me out, they have a tendency to get things like food and lint and car keys stuck in them. How come they don’t make people wear beard-nets in the kitchen? Face hair in your food is way oogier than head hair! That sleeve tat isn’t making things any more appetizing, either. I dub thee DirtyBear. Let’s move on…

…Scar’s little brother?…

That’s what I thought, too, until she opened her mouth and a great big lesbiana fell out, and her name is Preeti Mistry, 32 and exec chef for Bon Appétit Management Co. Not-So-Pretty here is not going to be our last gender-bender, oh no, there’s more of that on the way. She and DirtyBear are the first two inside the fabulous Cheftestants McMansion, too! Who’s up next?…

…This is the guy in the promos who was holding up a pair of knives in a rather threateningly slicey manner…

Ah, but that’s not at all who this big boy is! Meet Ron DuPrat, 40 and exec chef at the Hollywood Beach Marriott. He is originally from Haiti and says his philosophy is “Keep it real, keep it simple and let’s have fun!” He doesn’t mention anything about his knife skillz, but I can tell already that he’s the kind of guy who likes to look sleek and dapper and dressy at all times (like every day is going-to-church-day) which will be a nice change from all the piercings and tats, so I say keep on keepin’ on Island Man Ron! Don’t stab anybody unless they really deserve it or get on my nerves, K? Blood is really hard to get out of nice clothes.

Hey look! More and more cheftestants are arriving at La Casa Del Comida Loca! And there’s even one from the BF’s home state of Michigan!…

…eeand shee’s gaat the pasty compleaxion ta proove eeit!…

This is Eve Aronoff and I’m not all sure why she hyas a Myinnesoota Eeacksintâ„¢. She’s 40 and owns her own restaurant, which she also calls Eve. She says she’s not surprised that she’s the only one there from Michigan, everyone else there seems to be from big cities (while she’s from teensy li’l Ann Arbor) and is telling DirtyBear and some of the others how impressed she is that they are so “unfayzed” by the sight of mountains and palm trees…. aaaaand we have our first wackjob airhead! Thank you for making that one easy, WackEve! I guess I won’t bring up the fact that you attended Le Cordon Bleu in Paris, France (which is also kind of a big city).

Okay, now, just by looking at the picture of this next chef I want you to guess one thing about him…

…did you guess that he’s… French?…

Yup, I would have thought that him adopting the same exaxt photo-pose (strike one) that I had when I was 17 (and had long luxurious blonde hair) would have made him gayer than Queen Latifah, but no, Mattin Noblia here is sticking to his “I’m just from France” story. He’s 29 and the chef/owner of Iluna Basque in San Francisco (strike two) and likes to dress like he’s ready for the Running Of The Bulls… or a role in Moulin Rouge. But still not gay. (strike three – you’re outed Sattine)

Well, it looks like it’s time to meet our first tool…

…as if the overgelled spiky fauxhawk, square glasses and cocky facial expression weren’t a dead giveaway…

This is Eli Kirshtein, 25 and exec chef at a place that I thought he called “Emo” (which would be just so toolicious) but actually it’s called “Eno” and Eli here says he loves to cook because he’s a fat kid, “So all I wanna do is just have fat kid food.” God, then shut up and head on over to the 7-Eleven like the rest of us fat kids do. That dickbag over on More To Love is already making America hate fat people, don’t do any further damage, K Fat Kid?

Finally we come to this season’s only out gay chef…

…which is weird cuz he dresses like a Republican…

Nothing against Republicans, I just don’t know a whole lotta gays who favor bow ties. Anyhow, this queen has the unwieldy name of Ash Fulk, he’s 29 (which means 35 in gayese) and hail-no’s from New York City, where he’s a sous-chef at Trestle On Tenth. He heads straight for the boys room (natch!) and tells us he’s kinda surprised he’s the only chef from NYC. And the only one with a “same-sex boyfriend”. Yup, he’s sharp as a butter knife is our Ashlee.

Some of the girls are making themselves at home in one of the girls’ rooms, and jeez the big one has more tattoos and piercings than any of the boys have, which is bringing me to this conclusion…

…chest-tats = not getting laid…

Our little biker-chick is Jesse Sandlin, she’s 30, from Baltimore and is exec chef at Abacrombie Fine Foods, which has nothing at all to do with the far-more-widely-known brand Abercrombie & Fitch, the name similarity is strictly a coincidence and not at all an attempt to cash in. Anyhow, Biker Chick thinks that a lot of “kids” come out of culinary school having “delusions of grandeur” when really they “don’t know what they’re doing”. Mmmmm, I smell a self-taught chef! Or maybe that’s just her girlfunk. In any case, she’s also super-confident, saying that she’ll get everything unpacked and then prolly get kicked off the following day. Sounds like someone needs to read The Secret!

One of the other tatted-up pincushions is refusing to unpack at all, and she’s also bringing me to a conclusion…

…neck-tats + chest-tats = never getting laid again…

Okay, not only does this girl have the word “SCARRED” tattoed on her chest (as if we couldn’t already tell) she also has her earlobes stretched out to the size of towel racks. Meet Jennifer Zavala, who insists she’s superstitious and believes that unpacking is bad luck, therefore her clothes are always wrinkled, but nobody notices that because everyone is too busy staring at her towel racks (as opposed to her inked-up regular rack). She’s 31 and is the exec chef at a place called El Camino Real in Philadelphia (which has quite possibly the cheapest looking website I have ever seen in my life). She also dutifully trots out her 3 year old kid and says she wants him to go to Yale and Harvard (wow, both?) and therefore her appearance on Top Chef “isn’t so much of an opportunity, it’s more of a ‘have-to’.” Have to what? How about tell your kid to save his money and not blow it getting stuff written permanently on his body in conspicuous places, okay Miss Scarred?

Here’s another Philly girl named Jennifer…

…who’s rocking the 80′s side-ponytail…

This one’s Jennifer Carroll, 34 and is chef de cuisine at 10 Arts by Eric Ripert (a famous French Chef and one of the Masters we see regularly on Top Chef). The first thing out of her mouth after introducing herself is, “I can be a freakin’ bitch in the kitchen. I’ve made enough boys cry… seriously!” By trying to date them? Someone’s a bit of a bitter bitch, all right. Then again, I kinda don’t totally blame her, because when she says she works at 10 Arts we hear some off-camera douchebag male cheftestant automatically asking her if she’s the pastry chef there. *sigh* Carry on, Bitter Jen!

Speaking of douchebags, here’s one now…

…he also has an overly-tanned forehead and a bored manner of speaking…

This here is Bryan Voltaggio, 32, chef/owner of Volt Restaurant in Frederick, MD. He’s also a James Beard Award Nominee, and says he tries to learn something every day “Because if you’re not, you don’t really improve yourself.” Here’s a suggestion for something to learn: try using sunblock sometime, raisin-head. Right after we meet Big Volt we are introduced to…

…his younger, even more annoying brother!…

Yup, this is Michael Voltaggio. He’s 30 and is identically as overtanned as Big Volt. He says his brother is much more conservative and that he’s more willing to take risks. Ah, so then Li’l Volt must be a “rebel” and a “maverick”, right? He tells Big Volt that he flew in last night, stayed at their mom’s place and they had dinner without him, ha ha ha. Tool. He says he basically became a chef because Big Volt was doing it, and now he’s a Michelin Star Recipient. He also mentions that the two of them live 3,000 miles apart, which is fortunate, because it’s prolly not environmentally healthy to have that much asshattishness in the same place at the same time.

If what I’ve just said is true, then the planet may be about to crack open or explode…

…aiyee! Not another fauxhaaaaaaawk!…

Comin’ straight outta D.C. (by way of Joisey) this is Michael Isabella, who’s 34 and appears to already know Li’l Volt. He says they both worked for José Andrés at Bazaar in L.A. and seems intimidated by him, cuz now he thinks maybe he shouldn’t have come this season (I’m sensing false modesty, this prick doesn’t believe anyone else is better than him, why else would he be a “Rising Culinary Star” nominee?). Plus, Joisey Boy’s wearing a knock-off “Affliction” T-shirt that at first I thought said “RECIPEZ” on it (which would have sorta made sense) but on closer examination it’s actually a mis-spelled “DECIPLEZ”…

…douchbagz…

Meanwhile, everyone’s enjoying the Cheftestant’s McMansion, and DirtyBear’s fascinated by the waterslide they have by their pool. Since everyone is drunk relaxed and egging him on, he strips down to his shorts and slides down it face-first. Of course, this prompts Fat Kid to sneer “The last thing you wanna see is Kevin wearing a bathing suit poolside…”

…make that the second-to-last thing…

Yeah, people who live in fat houses shouldn’t eat stones. Anyhow, next up we have yet another androgyne…

…tats and an almost-adam’s-apple? Confusing, but sexy!…

This is our other obviousbian Ashley Merriman, 32 from Seattle and exec chef at Branzino. She’s never been to Las Vegas before, but is way excited to be there because she considers it a “huge food mecca”. I’ll say, they have the biggest buffets in the universe there (mmmmmm) so MaryMann’s right on the money so far.

The cheftestants pull up to the newly opened M Resort Hotel & Casino where they are ushered into the new Top Chef Kitchen and finally meet up with…

…Daddy Tom and Scar!…

Seeing the two icons of the series in person is a little overwhelming for our next cheftestant…

…I love her Alka-Seltzer T-shirt way more than any of that “Affliction” bullshit…

Say hello to Laurine Wickett, she’s 38 and has been running her own company Left Coast Catering out of San Francisco for the past 15 years. You know, some of the most persnickety queens in the world live in S.F., and I’m sure she’s dealt with them all, so I’m puzzled as to why the mere sight of Daddy Tom and Padma is so unnerving to her. Well, Miss Sticky Wickett’s not the only one, either, because this guy’s also getting his nuts in a twist over them…

…Say hayllo to my no-so-leedle frien’…

This chunky hombre is Hector Santiago, 41, originally from San hhkkJuan, Puerto Rico and currently lives in Atlanta. He’s also a 2009 James Goatee Beard Award Nominee and is transfixed by the gorgeousness that is Scar, “Tross mee, Padma ees morr beeyoudeefool een pairsonn dan chee ees on teebee!” ¡Que bonita, Papi Cholo! I’m going to have so much fun transcribing your accent!

Daddy Tom welcomes them to Vegas and after Scar makes the shameless shill for the G.E. Monogram (Unreliable) Appliances in their new kitchen it’s time for their first Quickfire Challenge! Ohhh, I swear I think I just got an erection! And that was a total overshare! Anyhow, this Quickfire is one that the Top Chef Masters just got done with, the dreaded “Mise En Place Relay Race”. If you’re joining us for the first time, the term “mise en place” means “putting in place” in French, and refers to prep work that needs to be done on ingredients in order to make them ready for a chef to use during their meal service shift. Well, the more you know…

In any case, Scar says they’re going to add the things they love about Las Vegas into the competition and that they should expect twists and turns like no other season. And then with a “Ta-dahhhh!” she makes a come-hither gesture and out come prancing the Stardust Dancers…

…much to the delight of Daddy Tom…

…as well as our Not-So-Pretty…

They will be broken up into 4 teams for the relay race, the teams being decided by them pulling a different colored poker chip out of a hat. Everybody’s picking either green, blue, red or black… except our last cheftestant, who pulls a lovely gold chip out of the hat…

…and I guess the 80′s New Wave Movie Hooker look is officially back in style!…

I know, she looks like she just stumbled out of the “Love Is A Battlefield” video and into a chef’s smock, right? That’s our Robin Leventhal, the 43 year old chef/owner of Crave in Seattle. At any rate, realizing she’s the only one with a gold chip, Robin says “I’m either in trouble or I just got the biggest blessing I could have asked for.” Of course it turns out to be the latter, as Scar tells her she doesn’t have to compete in the relay race and she gets automatic immunity in the Elimination Challenge! Niiiiice.

Daddy Tom’s about to break down the ingredients to be prepared in the relay race, calling them “the most popular ingredients in Las Vegas”, and it’ll go as follows:

1.) Shuck 15 clams. And try not to stab yourself.
2.) Peel 30 spot prawns. Shrimp shit is undesirable.
3.) Clean 5 lobsters. Cuz those bastards are dirty fuckers.
4.) Butcher 2 chops from a giant slab of prime rib. Karate chops don’t count.

Scar gives them 2 minutes to determine which of their four team members will take which leg of the race. Over on the Red Team, Not-So-Pretty says that DirtyBear, Li’l Volt and WackEve all choose first and leave her with the clams to shuck. Which she has apparently never done. “It’s the same as an oyster, right?” she asks them, and DirtyBear immediately gets wide-eyed and says no. Of course, he doesn’t offer to jump in and take that leg over from her. This. Is. Going. To. Rawk.

…”No, it’s not like a bearded clam, either!”…

Not-So-Pretty thinks she can just figure it out. That usually works, right? Well, as the race starts it becomes painfully clear that it won’t. DirtyBear realizes only too late that she’s clueless (even Daddy Tom is noticing her ineptitude and asks “Have you ever opened a clam before?”) and there ain’t a damned thing they can do about it.

Over on Team Green (which includes Gay Ashlee, Island Man Ron and Sticky Wickett) Scarred has just cut herself and is bleeding all over the place. She claims she used to know how to shuck clams, but hasn’t in a while because she just “took two years off to be a mom”…

…”You see mami’s bloody cut-up hand, mijo? This is all your fault because I had to take time off to raise your little culito instead of practicing my clam-shucking! I hope you enjoyed those two years, ‘cuz they’re all you’re gonna get!”…

The Black Team, consisting of Papi Cholo, MaryMann, Fat Kid and Joisey Mike are doing well because Joisey Mike’s flying through shucking his clams. But then he looks over at the Team Blue Balls (Big Volt, Sattine, Biker Chick and Bitter Jen) and notices that Jen’s shucked just as many as he has, and believes that he’s doing something wrong, because as he delicately puts it, “No offense, but a girl shouldn’t be at the same level that I am!”…

…none taken, you overgelled greasy-ass goombah bugfuckin’ ass-monkey…

Let’s see if he snags that “Rising Culinary Star” award now, hmmm? This calls for a mid-recap nickname change from Joisey Boy to Sexist Pigshit. Unfortunately, his Boys Club mentality is reinforced when he finishes the clams first and barely beats Bitter Jen. Meanwhile Scarred has hacked apart 8 clams for Team Green and on the Red Team our Not-So-Pretty girl has finished a grand total of… two.

Black Team has Fat Kid peeling the spot prawns and he finishes barely before Team Blue Balls’ Biker Chick. Scarred finally finishes her clams for Team Green and Sticky Wickett starts peeling prawns! For the Red Losers, Not-So-Pretty has gotten five whole clams open and DirtyBear complains that he might as well have brought a beach chair and a palm tree, cuz it feels like he’s on vacation…

…Shut up, Dirtybear… I still see bits of your lunch in your damned beard…

Meanwhile, MaryMann’s cleaning lobsters for the Black Team against the wispy French Sattine from Team Blue Balls, and Sattine’s kicking ass because he knows his way around lobster dismemberment, while MaryMann’s having nine kinds of trouble. One of those kinds of trouble is Sexist Pigshit yapping what he thinks is encouragement loudly in her ear, when really he’s trying to direct her on how to do things his way. Sattine finishes first.

This brings them into the final leg of the race, and Big Volt’s in charge of breaking down two chops from a slab of prime rib beef for Team Blue Balls. He’s going up against Papi Cholo from the slightly behind Black Team, who has an unconventional method for getting perfect chops, and says “I thing dat I con cotch opp too heem!”. They look like they’re really close… but in the end Big Volt pulls out the win for Team Blue Balls!

…”Viva la gays France!”…

No-So-Pretty never finished shucking her clams. Ahhh, but the challenge isn’t over, because now Team Blue Balls is going to have to compete against one another in a cookoff using the four ingredients they each just prepared, and the winner receives a chip that Scar holds up that’s worth $15,000.00! For one Quickfire. Yowza.

Not only that, but 80′s Hooker is given a choice, she can either keep her immunity, or trade it in for a chance to compete in the Quickfire for the $15K. She thinks about it for all of 0.00043 seconds and says she’s going to keep the immunity. This prompts Sexist Pigshit to judge that she’s obviously not confident in her skills and is nervous, which he takes to mean she’s clearly untalented, “This is one less old lady I have to worry about.” Boy, is he gonna feel like shit for saying that in a few episodes. Beeteedubs, I’d have kept the immunity, too.

Scar gives Team Blue Balls 30 minutes to come up with their dish, which causes a big brown stain in the seat of Biker Chick’s pants, cuz even though she’s been cooking for 14 years, she’s never made anything that involved prawns. Perhaps that’s something those high and mighty culinary school kids have learned. She decides to shrimp & grits with polenta, cuz that’s the only thing she could think of.

Bitter Jen got the clams and has decided to do a simple ceviche (which she pronounces “suh-VEETCH” instead of the “suh-VEE-chay” we normally hear). Sattine says you can’t go wrong with something like a lobster that already tastes good and believes his French training and style will overcome. Since Big Volt used to work for Charlie Palmer Steaks so he’s just going to do a quick and simple steak. And time’s up!

Bitter Jen is worried that her plate looks too spare and simple…

…next time it’ll look bigger if you put it in a tea saucer…

Moving on to Sattine’s deesh…

…fey Frenchman or no, that looks damn tastee…

Next up is Biker Chick’s dish filled with crispy little eyes…

…plus she made sure to tell Daddy Tom to “suck the head”…

Last up is Big Volt and his big meat…

…I believe that steak is still breathing…

He also included a pureé of golden raisins and chives. After they’ve tasted everything he immediately gets called out by Daddy Tom in the bottom two for the pureé being bland and gritty, and Sattine gets cornholed for not having enough bay leaf and star anise flavor in his dish. On the positive side, he liked Bitter Jen’s ceveeech for it’s clean flavors, and Biker Chick’s Shrimpolenta was a “big mouthful of ocean” flavor… and Bitter Jen wins the cash! She’s so happy she runs up and gives Daddy Tom a great big smackeroo on the cheek!…

…Next time bring Altoids, Jen…

Jen’s sorta elated (I guess… her interviews are all done through clenched jaws with no vocal expression whatsoever) and tells us she wants to win every Quickfire and every Elimination Challenge! That’ll happen. In DelusionVille, perhaps.

Time to find out the Elimination Challenge, and Scar says in the spirit of Sin City they’re going to have to explore their “dark side” and that means they have to cook a dish based on a vice that they’re each guilty of. Their color teams remain intact, but now they’re cooking against each other, so one from each group will win, and one from each will be considered to be sent packing. 80′s Hooker gets to choose what team she wants to compete in, and she picks Team Blue Balls, but she knows it really doesn’t matter because she has immunity. Oh, and the guest judge is Wolfgang Puck (the man who taught ol’ dumbass Kellie PIckler what sallman and calamary is). Chefgasms all around.

It’s the following day, and they have 30 minutes and $150.00 to shop at Whole Paycheck Market, and then 2 hours to cook. Sexist Pigshit says everybody’s grabbing carts and “You know, I pushed, I think, Purty over, or Preeti, or whatever she is and I don’t care!”…

…you’ll care when she jacks up the other side of your grille, fuckstain…

Plus, his fab restaurant’s name “Zaytinya” can easily be rearranged into “Nay, Ya Zit!” Oh, and he also said Fat Kid was “running around like a little monkey”. Except that one was kinda true, cuz Fat Kid does sorta move all hunched over. DirtyBear notices that Fat Kid seems to have bought every scallop in the entire store, blowing $60-70 on proteins alone. Or maybe he just wanted a scallop snack, how about mind your own beezwax, DirtyBear? Maybe he overheard Fat Kid dissing him in his swim trunks earlier.

Meanwhile Big Volt (and his leathery forehead) remind us that in 3 out of 5 seasons of TC, the winner of the very first Elimination Challenge has gone on to win the whole shebang, so naturally he wants to win this first one very badly. I want him to moisturize just as badly.

Island Man Ron decides to pop this season’s Victims Virginity and says that his journey to the U.S. from Haiti was 27 days at sea, and that it was very dangerous because people would get thrown overboard. He saved himself by being able to cook the fish that the sailors caught, and says it kept him alive. Wow, that’s a serious story! Island Man says it’s not easy to let that kind of thing go, so his “vice” is going to be a fish dish…

…Ruh-roh. I’m afraid Ron may be confused about the definition of the word “vice”…

Over in VeganVille, Scarred says her “vice” is “having a hot temper” so she’s going to make a chile relleno stuffed with seitan, which she says is a wheat gluten meat substitute that she works with all the time. I’ve also found it referred to as “wheatmeat”. Ok, gross. Plus, the name itself sounds like “Satan” so I’m sure that’ll go over well.

Now they’re all piling into the kitchen at Cut, one of Wolfgang Puke’s newest restaurants, and DirtyBear says his dish is going to be based on his vice of procrastination…

…other things Kevin puts off: shaving, showering, shampooing…

…so he’s slow cooking an arctic char and is certain that he’s going to have enough time to finish the dish in 2 hours. For sure. Which means he’s prolly going to be panicking when they’re down to 2 minutes left.

Poor Not-So-Pretty, she had a hard day yesterday with those damned clams and really wants to redeem herself, so she’s making a fennel-crusted pork tenderloin with a Maker’s Mark Manhattan-scented sweet-potato pureé. After the day she had with those clams, I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d wanted to make Maker’s Mark Straight Up With A Cuervo Chaser…

…”…and if one more person comes up and says ‘I loved you in Slumdog Millionaire…’…”…

Hey, what’s Li’l Volt up to? Well, he’s found a way to take the word “vice” and make it both creepy and douchey at the same time! He’s making a “tribute to all the fabulous plastic surgery here in Las Vegas” that includes a nice “rack” of lamb (ha ha) and a pair of “juicy coconuts” (ho ho) that he’s going to work into his sauce, and he insists “I’m not trying to sound like a pig or anything but I think a lotta people come to Vegas, um, looking for that…”

…and I’m not trying to be an ass or anything, but I think I see someone who could use a li’l rhinoplasty (and some moisturizer!)…

Sticky Wickett says her vices are donuts, bacon, chocolate and beer. I call that “brunch”. She’s actually makin’ bacon “donuts” with a Belgian beer sauce, and I’m curious if that’s gonna work or if people are gonna hurl. She’s working next to Scarred, who’s still trying to convince people (mostly herself) that using this “seitan” wheatmeat crap is a good choice and will be tasty. DirtyBear thinks it’s a super-ballsy (read: “stupid”) move because “Nobody fuckin’ likes that stuff! It’s yuck!”

Bitter Jen’s here to say her vice is “going out to the bar after work and having too many choices of alcohol” so she’s making a “super-intense” lobster stock infused with a buttload of akamahol. Funny, but her teammate Biker Chick’s vice is “alcohol and excess”…

…gee, how else did she wind up with more holes in her head than a colander?…

She’s now donned a Rosie The Riveter doo-rag in the kitchen and is calling her dish “Tipsy Chicken”… except she’s braised it too soon and it should probably be called “Dried-To-Shit Chicken” (or “Chicken With DT’S”) instead.

Papi Cholo’s here to tell us “I coook from de hard, I coook weeth cojones liyeek wee say een Puerrrto hhkkRico, joo know? So, Ize ashally gonna smoge a reeb-aye steag… an I gonna deeb-fraye eet!” Waiwaiwaiwaiwait, he’s deep-frying the steak? Are fondue sets still really big in Puerto Rico, cuz that just sounds awful, and I can’t think of any other instance where you would do that!

Of course, Sexist Pigshit dickishly interviews that when he saw Papi Cholo doing this “in a steakhouse for Wolfgang Puck” he immediately thought to himself “Oh, wow, this is a little bit easier than I thought it would be!” Meaning what, exactly? Easier to be a big smelly nutsack to everybody? I hope this guy gets his ass handed to him. In two pieces.

It’s been a while since we heard from WackEve, and she says her vice is really more of a fault that she struggles with, “Wishing I was more of a simple, easygoing person…”

…The Face of Complex…

She’s preparing a curry-cream with shrimp, scallops and English peas… she was desperately searching for some white wine, but couldn’t find any and knows that the flavors in this dish are completely unbalanced, which is a totally apropos word-choice for her. Naturally, while she was on her Wine Questâ„¢, her seafood was steadily overcooking.

As time is called, 80′s Hooker jumps up and down and yells “Dammit!” She didn’t get her gastrique on her plate and is sooo horribly embarrassed to be presenting an essentially sauceless dish. She says she’s thankful she has immunity and somehow I get the feeling she coasted for this exact reason…

…”No promises, no demands.”…

In the dining room, after Scar introduces Daddy Tom, Gail Simmons and WolfGangBang, the Black Team of Sexist Pigshit, Fat Kid, MaryMann and Papi Cholo are the first to present their dishes…

Sexist Pigshit says his vices are his hot temper and his foul breath mouth. Seems like he forgot all about the whole misogynistic homophobic thing he’s got going on as well. His block of halibut represents a bar of soap his mom would use to make him wash out his mouth. The vomity-looking eggplant is what happens afterwards.

Fat Kid wanted to incorporate his arrogance (about what?) his drinking (a given) and his jaded bitterness (unsurprising) so he used scotch in his scallop sauce and beer powder for bitterness. He says if he gets sent home on this first challenge he’ll walk out into traffic upon arriving there. I think he should have made a dish based on that scenario instead.

MaryMann’s yet another alcoholic (this is the drinkingest bunch yet!) and she tends to love the red wine and bourbon which she used to make a demi-glace. Sooooo, basically most of them just used a lot of booze in their food, which smacks of the easy way out. Where is the “Crack’N'Smack Chicken Nuggets?” Do I have to think of everything?

Papi Cholo’s up last, “Mai bice eez smogeeng! Ceegar smogeeng an whadnod. So Ai smoge de hhkkreeb-aye weeth opple woood an ceedar!” Papi thinks he’s got a good chance of winning in his group. With a deep-fried steak…

…”I gonna keeg azz.”…

WolfMan Suck liked Fat Kid’s scallops but thinks he took a “more is more” approach to the dish with all the powders and other crap going onto the plate. Daddy Tom notices Papi Cholo deep-fried his steak which he immediately brands as “bizarre”, and Wolfie says if he walked in the kitchen and saw a chef do that, he’d throw the chef in the fryer after it! Gail likes how focused and concise Sexist Pigshit’s dish was. Wait til he starts winking at you and calling you “little lady” Gail. They don’t talk about MaryMann’s dish at all, which is weird.

Next to present is Team Blue Balls made up of Big Volt, Sattine, Bitter Jen and Biker Chick… with 80′s Hooker tacked on…

Big Volt says his vice is to have a bourbon and a cigar after a great steak (wahoo, drinking and smoking again… don’t any of these people do anything interesting to be bad?) so blah blah he’s used bourbon in the sauce, and I dunno what those bits of birch bark are supposed to be.

Next up is Sattine, and he’s all “Zo, I am Taurus, anna Taurus are known for like bein stubbon, zo I wanet to use cow in ze same fameelee…” and he’s put forth a buffalo steak in wine sauce. Oh, and look how cute the dish is, it’s like a steak castle with little zucchini & mashed tater turrets! Maybe he shoulda made some little carrot people to go with it?

Bitter Jen’s all about her plain old alcohol addiction, “I tend to do really stupid things after a lot of it.” she deadpans. Like side-ponytails, perhaps? She also went way overboard, including whiskey and bourbon and scotch (plus peppercorns) in the sauce she used to poach her halibut in. What, no tequila as well? Wuss.

Next in line is Biker Chick who’s also heavily into whiskey and “excess” and her explanation of the dish is so involved that Daddy Tom starts drifting off. Just imagine my longest recap to date, and triple it. There you go.

80′s Hooker starts off by saying she’s a “bad Jew” and that pork is her vice. Honey, that’s not a vice, that’s a religion! Still, that’s slightly more clever than all the damned drunkards. She attempted to make pork five ways, but admits her bacon gastrique didn’t make it to the plate, so really I’m only counting three ways.

…and Biker Chick wants to remind the Judges to BUY WAR BONDS…

Gail really likes Big Volt’s dish, and Daddy Tom loves the way he cooked the steak, but thinks there’s too much drizzled pureé, which Wolfie agrees with “Ayvreebooddy haz to pood pureéz underneess everyseeng now, Itz lige peeple sink we need da steak and den you need somm bebe food widdit!” LOL, slammer on you, Big Volt! Gail also likes Bitter Jen’s boozy sauce, and Wolfgungho thinks her halibut was perfect. However, Biker Chick’s chicken was overcooked and underseasoned, and while they liked the way Sattine cooked his buffalo, they didn’t think the zucchini’n'tatertowers really went with it. Nobody talks about 80′s Hooker’s porkpile.

Here comes Team Green, made up of Gay Ashlee, Scarred, Island Man Ron and Sticky Wickett…

Gay Ashlee says his vice is also procrastination and he also did a poached halibut (this is the third fucking halibut… perhaps his vice should have been “unoriginality” or “laziness” instead?) and tries to get all cutesy saying he only put the sauce on half the plate because he was procrastinating. Chortle. Aren’t gays supposed to be funnier than this? We need to do better.

Here’s Scarred to tell us how “hot tempered” she is, and then proves herself a liar with her poblano stuffed with wheatmeat and grilled tomatillo salsa. “It’s a little spicy!” she giggles sweetly. Argh, Rick Bayleafs would roast you alive, girl!

Time for Island Man Ron to tell his Haitian Exodus Story, and while that’s sad and terrifying and all, I can’t help but feel like he was really just trying to make sure to let the judges know about his 24-year-old backstory, whether it fit the challenge or not, which feels kinda calculated and manipulative. Given his size, perhaps he might have been better off using “food” as his vice and making the same dish, it would have given him a lot more freedom and felt a lot less like a hammered-square-peg-in-a-round-hole.

Bringing up the rear is our Miss Sticky Wickett, she says she put “all her vices” on the plate, but doesn’t really explain what they are, just repeats that it’s bacon and bacon donuts and chocolate and beer sauces. Oh well, thanks for not clarifying!…

…Or maybe was her vice “cholesterol”?…

Starting with Island Man Ron’s dish, Wolfman thinks the fish was cooked wonderfully but that there’s too much going on on the plate. Gail fell in love with his story and Daddy Tom speaks up that he’s not sure how that’s really a vice. Next they discuss Scarred’s dish, which Daddy Tom is tearing apart with his fork as he says “I love a good chile relleno… this is not a good chile relleno.” He goes on to say there’s no flavor to it and doesn’t care for the “big chunks of… product… in here.” Gail calls it clunky and Wolfy-poo says “Yoo coook dat ad homme, thiss peeple will nevvah comm an bizzit you agayn!” Scar loves Sticky Wickett’s beer sauce but WolfGong says you can throw the donuts at somebody like a golf ball (and proceeds to chuck one across the studio to Daddy Tom’s amazement) apparently they’re not light and fluffy enough for his taste. Gay Ashlee’s dish gets no mention.

Our final group tonight is the poor Red Loserz Team, consisting of Li’l Volt, Not-So-Pretty, WackEve and DirtyBear…

First Li’l Volt gets his chance to be all 8th grade and talk about fake boobies and “racks” and “nice coconuts” and titties, and isn’t arrested development awesome? Lame.

Scar asks her homegirl Not-So-Pretty to tell them about her vice, and I thought she was going to say something about boobies and tits, too, but no, she says it’s a Maker’s Mark Manhattan mixed with her pretty pork tenderloin and potato pureé. No. More. Baby. Food.

It’s WackEve’s turn to talk, and in her heavy Midweyst Ayacksent she still makes me giggle when she says “Sometaiyeems I weeish I wahs a li’l bit syimpler, lyess cahhmplicaytid!” and goes on to describe her dish as having a lot of really complex complicated complexities. It looks more like Random Pea Art to me.

Last in line tonight (thank GAWD, seventeen fucking chefs is tooooo many, Bravo!) is DirtyBear and his version of the procrastination dish. He actually gives a clever description of “speeding up things that are normally done slowly, and slow down things that are normally done quickly” and ends by saying once everything comes together “I hope to be on time!”

…Good for you. Now go comb your face. …

Digging into Li’l Volt’s dish, Gail insists that it’s “beautiful” but WolfGas says “Yoo know whad? Eed loookz liyeek cheeken testeeckels!” *snort* *giggle* He said “testicles“! He also says Not-So-Pretty’s tastes “vayree alcoholey!” Scar’s loving DirtyBear’s arctic char story, and Daddy Tom pipes up that just plain loves the dish. Gail agrees. As for WackEve’s dish, WolfGrunt says the seafood and the sauce are “juzt okayee” and Daddy Tom notes that the scallops are not seared nicely at all. Moving back to Li’l Volt’s dish, Daddy Tom is impressed with his whole “clever” idea of “plastic surgery” tied into “rack” of lamb, and Gail rolls her eyes and says “Yeah. We get it, Tom.”…

…Women tend to not be as easily amused by boob references as men…

But they loooove a good dick joke. After letting the cheftestants get drunk in the Stew Room for however many hours, Scar appears and asks to see Island Man Ron, Sexist Pigshit, DirtyBear and Bitter Jen. Of course, she says this in her super-serious-you-are-so-fucked-voice so they all groan and look pissed and sad. Gay Ashlee isn’t fooled, though, because after they leave he points at the door and says “Those are the winners right there!” Big Volt and Li’l Volt both look mad as hell at that. Well, you know what they say about dicks of a feather…

…they shove each other a lot…

I hate like hell that Sexist Pigshit is in the top, but then I remember he was going up against chicken liver Ravioli-Os, bitter beer powder and deep-fried steak, so that makes me feel better. It also makes me feel better to hear Daddy Tom call out Island Man Ron on his boat-journey-at-age-16 not really being a vice. WolfUgly thinks Bitter Jen’s dish was the best prepared halibut of the night and suggests she try a glass of white wine next time instead of mixing scotch, bourbon and whiskey, “Yoo aaa lezz ligely too pyook opp yoo cookeez!” Okay, no, he doesn’t say that, but I sure would have. He also tells DirtyBear how much he loved the pairing of the arctic char with the salsa verde, and tonight’s winner is…. DIRTYBEAR! Ooooh, Bitter Jen and Sexist Pigshit look maaaaad! Bwahahahahaha!

Scar sends them back to get the loozahs, which are not at all surprising: Papi Cholo, Scarred, Biker Chick and WackEve…

…Ooooh, someone’s gonna get cut. Literally. …

Daddy Tom tells Papi Cholo there wasn’t enough smoke flavor in his dish, and questions the decision to deep-fry the steak. Wolfucker asks Papi Cholo which method would infuse more smoky flavor, in a french-fryer or on a wood-burning grill? Papi admits the grill would be better, but is sticking with his decision because he claims he wanted to make it chicharrón-style and caramelize the fat on the beef. Wolfie ain’t buying it and flat-out says deep-frying steaks is not a good idea.

As for WackEve, he tells her there was no seasoning on her scallops and the sauce was blah with no flavor and it felt like she didn’t use any spices at all. WackEve insists “Ai ayacktchully tohned it daown a liddle beeit, t’bee aahnist…” and goes off on a rambling disjointed puddle of garbled speech. Gail stops her and says she’s confused and doesn’t understand what the dish was about. Daddy Tom says he’s more concerned that the scallops weren’t seared correctly and the shrimp were overcooked and the sauce was weak…

…all of this criticism may be too complicated for poor WackEve…

Actually, I have to be honest, her deer-in-the-headlights look here reminds me strangely of my mom, and that hurts my heart a little bit. Only my mom doesn’t look so much like a halfwit.

Moving on to Scarred, Gail trots out the “clunky” critique again, and also says there really wasn’t much heat on the plate. Of course, Scarred disagrees and insists that she’s made that dish many times before using that seitan shit and keeps trying to convince them that it’s really delicious. Nobody’s buying that bullshit, either, and Daddy Tom tells her flat-out nobody was impressed by the flavor of the protein. Scarred reverts to the old “I wanted to do something different from everybody else” defense, and Gail says it wasn’t so much that she wanted to use this wheatmeat crap, she just didn’t cook it in a way that tasted good. Tsssss-buurrrn!

Lastly, Biker Chick is called out on her chicken breasts being completely dried out. Weirdly, for a girl who’s as tatted-up tough as she tries to look, she’s almost in tears.

While the Judges talk more shit (yay, no more “Critics Table” crap!) Papi Cholo’s getting all defiant saying “I coog howai coog… weeth haard an balls!” Thanks for sharing that, Papi. Scarred is also bitching to 80′s Hooker, “At least I’m not afraid to take a risk, you know what I mean? No one else has ever done that before, no one else is doing it!” Yeah, well Rebel Tat Girl no one makes limburger cheese quesadillas, either because they would taste like feet! And quit stretching your earlobes, you’re scaring your own kid…

…and cock-rings are for dicks, not ears!…

Everyone gets called back and I’m calling WackEve to get cut, they clearly found her completely clueless and she fucked up almost all of her food. Nope, I’m wrong, it’s Scarred that’s been kicked to the curb, told to pack her knives and gooooo! She’s super-pissed, too, and is still in disbelief that she’s the first to get sent home for trying something “bold” that nobody else was doing. If by “bold” she means “vomit-inducing”, then yes, nobody else was trying to do that. And it’s quite telling that none of the others really look all that shocked (especially DirtyBear).

This season on Top Chef, there’s lots of running around, flames, yelling, fighting and Fat Kid saying “This is the first season where there’s this many fat ass cooks!” Or did he say “bad ass”? Maybe it’s a yes to both.

And there we have it! What did you think of this episode? Do these people seem more talented than the Season 5 bunch? Are there more asshats than ever before? What is up with all the damned tattoos everywhere? I want to say thanks again for your patience and commentary.

love, J-Mo