Top Chef: Welcome to Bo-Cooze Duh Whore

Hey ‘Gasmii, I’m finally back. I can’t apologize enough for the delays on this recap. As you may recall, the BF and I headed to Los Angeles last weekend where we ate some fine foods (Flipit and I shared a plate of deep-fried mac’n'cheese balls at Hamburger Mary’s on Santa Monica Blvd and giggled and talked trash about the upcoming American Music Awards), tasted some weird drinks (Diet Pomegranate 7-Up With Natural Anti-Oxidant… that was thanks to my Vegan BFF Erick) and took in some culture (we saw the movie “Precious” and I’m afraid the shocked-and-horrified gay-inhale that I let out in the deadly-silent theatre when Mariah-Carey-in-no-makeup first appeared on-screen caused several people around me to glare in my direction). *sigh* So much fun. However, because the theme of my life is often “No good time goes unpunished.”, is it any wonder that I became violently ill upon returning home? Or maybe it was this picture that WaffleBoy forwarded to me…

…of Sexist Pigshit’s playful attempts to fistfuck Fat Kid…

Without going into the TMI-arena, let’s just say that for the next four days bad things were coming out of every end of my body and I was unable to see, smell or taste anything remotely made of (or related to) food. At least I got out of having to vacuum the house for Thanksgiving. In any event, I was very lucky that there was no new episode of Top Chef this past week, so I still have time to catch you all up on the doings of our remaining cheftestants, which basically boiled down to them competing in their own version of the Culinary Special Olympics. Let’s hold hands (mine are clean and disinfected now) and take the jump!…When we last left off, 81% of the country was doing The Happy Danceâ„¢ that 80′s Hooker was finally being sent home… although I would like to remind everyone that it was Fat Kid who made the dish that caused Scar to proclaim “I would never want to eat that again.” I’m not saying they made the wrong choice, I’m just saying that it’s quite an achievement to make someone complain like that, especially when that someone routinely had sexagenarian dick thrust into their mouth. For three years.

Anyways, it’s a new dawn in the McMansion, what with no cancer-survivors doing yoga in the backyard and endlessly yammering to everyone within earshot, and I am shocked to see that Big Volt is getting dressed and putting on a leather studded belt that looks exactly like one that *I* have in my closet. He says that the $125,000.00 grand prize would be an awful lot of money that would really come in handy, especially since patronage to his restaurant is “slower” these days, and he nervously mentions that his phone “might not be on” when he leaves Vegas…

…ummm, welcome to 2009?…

Because this segment of the show could be called “Watch What Happens When Chefs Accessorize” we see DirtyBear putting on a very Madonna-esque rosary and hiding it under his shirt. I got super-excited seeing that because I thought at first he might be doing it as an homage to Her Madge-esty (hey, I know plenty of big butch bears who still completely queen out and start doing choreography whenever “Vogue” or “Music” or “Hung Up” comes on the juke box at the leather bar) but then he goes and ruins it all by saying how much he misses his wife. I guess I keep forgetting that he’s married. In any case, it’s actually super-sweet how he says she is “the cornerstone” of his life and gives him inspiration to win. Dear Mrs. DirtyBear, I hope you appreciate your cutie-pie hubby and how much he loves you, ‘cuz if you piss him off there are gay guys all over the country lusting after him now. Love, J-Mo.

Fat Kid’s crowing about his ability to do subtraction as he notes they’ve gone from seventeen down to “the five strongest chefs” (I’d say that should read “the four strongest chefs and the one who made Padma almost puke” but that’s just my opinion) and then he trots out his friendship/mentorship with TC Season 4′s Top Loozah, Richard BlazeHawk…

…Dear Tabatha Coffey, would you please fucking do something about this kind of mentoring?…

Ugh, as if there isn’t enough Dep-filled douche-hair over on Jersey Shore to fill our days without these two. Anyhow, Fat Kid concedes that BlazeHawk didn’t win his season, so he says if he won it, it would be for both of them and proceeds to mis-quote Mandy Patinkin’s most famous line from “The Princess Bride” by referring to the vengeful character as “Indigo Montoya”. Um, setting aside the fact that BlazeHawk not winning Top Chef isn’t the same thing as someone, you know, murdering your dad Fat Kid, the very least you could do is get the fucking name right.

Meanwhile, following her latest failure, Bitter Jen is busily trying to blind herself…

…Maimed by Maybelline?…

She admits to becoming “unfocused” and “not performing well”, which is the same thing she’s said for the last six episodes. I kinda wish she’d just admit her heart isn’t in it anymore, but I’m betting it would have made her feel suicidal to have just flat-out said that and gone home before 80′s Hooker, so I think we’re all grateful she hung in there. At least 81% of the country is, anyhow.

Time to head on out to the “M” Resort and Casino one last time (sorry, I really am dry this time) where the Final Five meet up with Scar and her 14-year-old date…

…Jeez, what is it with her? She’s either raiding the grave or robbing the cradle…

Kidding! This tween who can’t even shave yet is Gavin Kaysen, whom DirtyBear helpfully tells us won the 2008 James Beard Award for “Rising Star Chef”. That just happens to be the same award that DirtyBear was nominated for (and apparently lost out on to Gavie-poo) but he doesn’t seem to be bitter about it, though…

…unlike Li’l Volt, who is clearly bitter about something this morning. Or he smells cat shit again…

In any case, Scar’s about to tell them about their last QuickFire Challenge of the season as she introduces Gavie Kindergarten and mentions that he represented the U.S. in 2007 at the “world’s most difficult cooking competition”, the Bocuse d’Or. She neglects to mention that he placed 14th out of 24 there, or the unfortunate incident that occurred in which a hungry dishwasher ate part of his presentation side-dishes before he could serve them to the judges. It all sounds very Nancy Kerrigan. What I wouldn’t give to see Li’l Volt holding his knee on the ground and rocking back and forth wailing “Whyyyyyyy?!?”

Anyhow, Gavin’s boring them to tears yick-yakking about the dish he made, which was a “chicken ballotine” (crawfish inside of chicken liver inside of chicken) that took him four months to figure out how to prepare. So naturally, the QuickFire Challenge is for them to create their own version of “chicken ballotine”, i.e. “a protein in a protein in a protein”. In 90 minutes…

…Oh, and BTW, it must also cure cancer. …

Oh yes, picture five sets of bowels feeling identically hot and loose. Scar does have a teensy bit of good news, though: the winner gets “a significant advantage” in the final Elimination Challenge. And a handjob. Okay, they don’t really get that last part… but they should.

And they’re off! Bitter Jen tells us she’s thinking of making a “tur-duck-en”, which I believe is turkey stuffed with duck stuffed with chicken, and in the wrong hands could easily wind up as “botu-nella-coli”. Big Volt believes those of them who have made ballotines before (meaning him and his little shit of a brother, I guess) will do well in this challenge…

…In other news, water is wet and Michael Jackson was a little weird…

Perhaps Big Bry is trying to give himself a pep-talk since he usually sucks shit at the QuickFire Challenge. Speaking of Li’l Shit Volt, he says it’s not about making a ballotine, he’s just concentrating on putting three proteins together as he squirts white gooey stuff into a ziploc bag that has what looks suspiciously like a large hunk of pimento-olive loaf in it…

…ugh, I’m having an unpleasant Oscar Meyer flashback…

He’s actually making a pressed terrine out of bacon inside of turkey inside of chicken (a “bay-tur-ken”, I guess?) and thinks this is gonna win him the advantage for sure. On the down-home side of the kitchen, DirtyBear’s watching the Bros make all their elaborate dishes and thinking that what they’re doing is way too risky given the short amount of time they have, “It just doesn’t seem very smart.” I suspect that what he’s left unsaid is perhaps he’s not familiar with the whole “ballotine” thing and might be feeling a bit jealous that they are.

However, here to make him feel better is Fat Kid, who’s decided to make a Scotch egg with maple syrup. The last time someone tried to make a Scotch egg on this show, it was Top Chef Masters’ Big Gay Art Smith and he totally tanked on it. Fat Kid has no idea “how Gavin takes food” so he thinks it’s either going to go over really well or suck balls…

…In other news, fire is hot and Jermaine Jackson is weird…

What in the blessed name of Janet is up with Jermaine’s hair? And naming his kid “Jermajesty”? And that duet he did with Devo called “Let Me Tickle Your Fancy”? I suspect he’s Jermanic-depressive. In any case, DirtyBear reminds us he and Captain Kid Obvious there were friends before they even came on the show, and thinks that they are two of the “ballsiest” chefs in the competition for making their homestyle food in the Top Chef arena. I think he’s letting a losing cart hitch on to his winning horse (a la Sexist Pigshit and the Volts) but that’s his problem.

Someone else who hasn’t done a ballotine is Bitter Jen, and she says since she’s stronger with seafood, she’s going to go that route. I guess that whole “Tur-duck-en” thing she said earlier meant “Crab-shrim-bster”, then? Li’l Volt takes a minute out from talking about how awesome he is to tell us that he’s noticed Jen falling apart as the weeks have gone by. He makes me hate him even more when he says that while he thinks it’s really great that they’ve become friends and “all that sort of stuff” (which I’m really hoping isn’t a euphemism for “we boinked”) he also thinks that “at this point in the competition I really don’t think that there’s a whole lot left for her to do.”…

…what a Jermasshole…

Of course, it would help a little if they didn’t immediately cut to Bitter Jen swearing and looking like she’s burning the fuck out of whatever the hell her dish is, and it’s too late anyhow because they’re down to one minute, and everyone’s slicing their protein loaves and plating them all nice-like in anticipation of Scar and Gavie KinderCare’s arrival.

They start off with Fat Kid’s Scotchgarded dish…

…Bac-O-Saus-Egg…

Truthfully, when Gavie-poo breaks it open, that shit looks totally undercooked…

…after which it would be time to go get wormed…

…but Gavie just chokes it down and says “Thank you.” before they move on to Li’l Volt and his rather upset-looking dish…

…does it not look like it’s frowning since it threw up bacon all over itself?…

I guess Gavin’s not one to reveal much of anything during the tasting, cuz all he says is “Great.” and they move on to Bitter Jen’s dish…

…which is brought to you today by the letter “S”…

Gavie-Poo claps his hands and gurgles because he likes anything that reminds him of Sesame Street. Then he asks her why she chose to use seafood, and Jen admits she’s stronger with it than other proteins. Scar just smiles and says “Welcome back.”…

…Ooooh, *snap* *snap* *snap* *head-roll* you go Bitter-girl!…

Also super-cute is how DirtyBear tips her a wink from across the kitchen to acknowledge the praise she received…

…♥♥♥♥♥…

That’s part of why I just love him, and it sure as hell beats some of the others who seem to have written her off. (*cough*Li’lVolt*cough*) Meanwhile, Scar and Gavioli have moved on to Big Volt’s more traditional attempt at a ballotine…

…and speaking of “unfocused”…

Scar immediately wants to know “What are all these sauces?” and Big Bry seems like he went in for the overkill a little bit as he mentions a pureé of carrot, curried yogurt, a roasted pepper coulis and a date-and-fig pureé. Gavin looks a little non-plussed, and they just thank him and move on to DirtyBear…

…and his California Cat-Scal-Imp Rollâ„¢…

DirtyBear says he wanted to do something that was a little bit “Southern cliché” which is why he cornmeal-fried the catfish. I’m not sure if Gavie-Poo liked it or not…

…but his face seems to be saying “I wuv yoo, DowtyBauw.”…

Big Volt notes that DirtyBear has “less finesse” and continues to put out “simple” food, and I was getting ready to put a gaping-butthole cutout over his mouth, too, until he saved himself by saying “You know, simplicity is okay if you do it correct.”

So did he do it “correct”? Unfortunately, Gavin Kindergarten says he felt like the catfish was overcooked and the cornmeal helped dry it out, which DirtyBear tells us he disagrees with, but instead of being a big ol’ PissyBear about it, he just admits that “sometimes your taste is a little different than somebody else’s.” However, it’s got to be hard to hear Gavie-Poo compliment Big Volt on how well his risky lamb-tenderloin dish worked out.

As for Fat Kid, his comment is kind of weird, he says he likes “the concept” of the Scotch egg, and that it’s something he’d put on a brunch menu, but he doesn’t really say he liked the executed dish itself. He’s much clearer with his praise for Bitter Jen, saying he was afraid the calamari was going to be tough, but she actually put out a very successful dish. However, he’s far less impressed with Li’l Volt’s “poultry terrine”, saying he doesn’t think it really captured what they were looking for in terms of the protein-inside-of-protein-inside-of-protein…

…someone is clearly Jermangry…

Naturally, he sails right into being PissyVolt and wah-wah-wahs that he “doesn’t get” where Gavie-boy is coming from because he didn’t specifically say to make a ballotine. Then he strains credibility saying that if he’d known that a ballotine was required, he would have made one, “and I’m pretty confident that it would have been as good as the one he probably made in Bocuse d’Or.”…

…and I’m pretty confident that this bit of childish animation is totally warranted on my part…

I am soooo wishing for a second-place finish for this fuckwad. In any case, I’m super-happy that we know Li’l Volt didn’t win the final QuickFire, because that honor goes to… Bitter Jen! Yay, way to raise up from the dead, girl! And you made Li’l Volt’s face look like a cat’s ass! Jen’s super-happy about winning again, and says it’s even sweeter because she hasn’t won a QuickFire since the very first episode (which isn’t true, she won the QuickFires in episodes 3 and 9 as well) but I don’t mind since she’s not sitting there whining and insisting she’s a better chef than the guest judge like some other poopy-breathed puckerfaces I could name. Such as Li’l Volt. And Michael Voltaggio.

So for their final Vegas Elimination Challenge it’s much as you’d expect: they’re going to participate in the Top Chef version of the Bocuse d’Or in which they have to create a “presentation platter” with 1 protein and 2 garnishes, and Gavie-Poo is quick to pipe up that the garnishes should be super-intricate and show a lot of technique and skill. I guess that means a sprig of parsley and a twisted slice of orange ain’t gonna cut it this time…

…not even if you made them into priddy budderflies…

To make things even harder, Scar says for their protein they will only have a choice of lamb or salmon (no pork or beef? Aaaaaugh, DirtyBear just got scroooooowed!) and they’ll have to use a “traditional Bocuse d’Or mirrored platter” (which looks an awful lot like a cheap Wal-Mart wall mirror) to present their food before they plate in front of the judges. I don’t really get the whole “serve it on a mirror” thing. Is that to make it look like there’s twice the food? Because a fat boy like me just ain’t fooled by shit like that. Well, at least not after the first time you try it on me and I attempt to eat the mirror.

Back to what Scar’s saying, they’ll have 4 hours to cook at the Wynn Hotel on the following day, and as the QuickFire winner, Bitter Jen’s “significant advantage” is an extra 30 minutes to cook. Niiiiiiice. She’s also not afraid to admit that she’s slower than the boys and the extra time will come in handy. One last thing: to make sure that their bowels remain both hot and loose, they’re going to be cooking for 12 judges that will include a bunch of stuffybutts from the American Advisory Board of Bocuse d’Or as well as Thomas Keller, who is the only American-born chef to have two restaurants with 3 Michelin Stars. I would guess that means his restaurants are now out of the price range of everybody except Oprah and Celine Dion and Bill Gates and Cher. I think it also means everybody’s bowels just reached nuclear fission and exploded.

But there’s more! They’ll be judged on taste, creativity, execution and swimwear. Okay, I threw that last one in because this is starting to sound like a drag-queen pageant (except for the “taste” part). Anyhow, Big Volt expresses it best when he says this is a serious, serious challenge and that they’ll be cooking for some of the best technical palates evah, “It’s going to be very hard for them to find nothing wrong with the dish!” To be honest, I’m quite impressed as well. Show of hands, who else thinks that Stefan would have mopped the floor with Hoser if they’d been required to do this challenge last season??…

…yeah, that’s what I thought…

Something interesting I found out about the Bocuse d’Or, the cash prize for winning a gold medal is only about $26,000.00 USD (plus a $20,000.00 watch). Yup, you can win more cash by becoming Top Chef than you can by winning the Culinary Olympics. Hell, they’ll probably spend more than that over at Whole Paycheck Market to get the food for this challenge. Speaking of which, nothing going on over there today but a bunch of head-scratching, running around with carts, saying “I dunno what I’m gonna make!” and exceeding their spending limit by as little as a quarter and having to take stuff out of their bags to make up for it. I can only imagine how hellish that kind of thing was when 80′s Hooker was still in the competition. Can you imagine her trying to decide which stalk of broccoli to put back on the shelf?

Back at the McMansion, Li’l Volt immediately goes to bed while the other four stay up and watch a Bocuse d’Or DVD that Gavie-Poo gave them. Initially I thought this was a stupid move on his part, but then it turns out he has competed in a culinary competition before so he clearly didn’t feel the need to watch what this one looked like. I have to say I am somewhat shocked by how loud and unruly the whole thing appeared to be…

…if you thought Icelandic people only get excited for Björk, you’re wrong…

Do they shout organized cheers, like “Braise that beef!” or “Poach that halibut!”, I wonder? Hmmm. In any case, this viewing does nothing but crank up the chefs’ tension another notch and make them even more nervous. It’s at this point that DirtyBear confesses to the others that he’s in over his head and needs some help with trying to figure out how to make his lamb dish come out properly. He believes the only way to make it happen is if he uses the dreaded sous vide method of cooking (at low temperatures in vacuum-bags and with one of those damned hoity-toity thermal immersion circulators).

For those of you who may not remember, it was a botched sous vide preparation that knocked Carla Beaker Hall out of the running during Season Five. Not only that, if you do it wrong, you can cause Botox to grow on your proteins, which means if someone eats them, then their internal organs will suddenly have no wrinkles whatsover and will look 20 years younger. The downside to this is that the organs will also cease to function, which causes a certain degree of death. So who does DirtyBear turn to that surely knows how to cook sous vide?…

…Well, that would be Big Volt…

Let me break for just a second, here. I may have mentioned that I, too, have an older brother (M-Mo) and that he is very different from me in many, many ways. To start with, I’m a big fat gay guy who has been known to be a bit of a slutty whore, while he’s trim and fit and married to a nice Italian girl who sweetly bore him two kids. Secondly, I’m often out in public shaking my big fat gay ass onstage with a bunch of raunchy drag queens, while he is a Chief Warrant Officer Four in the U.S. Army and has a much more dignified gig as the Associate Bandmaster of the U.S. Military Academy Band at West Point (and director of their somewhat more contemporary group, the Jazz Knights). Thirdly, I have at times been known to be a vocal (and visible) supporter of the anti-war movement in this country (make no mistake, I may hate the war… but I surely do love and support our servicepeople), while he did an extended tour of duty in Kuwait and Iraq providing morale support to our deployed soldiers.

You might think all the ways in which we seem diametrically opposed to each other would make us complete enemies (especially when you throw in a polarizing tidbit like me being a giant homo) but it’s totally not that way, and I think part of the reason is that besides me always trying to be an accepting and open-minded man towards people like M-Mo (and his admittedly “alternative lifestyle” of heterosexuality) he’s just an all-around good guy who looks out for other people and proved to me that “U.S. Army” didn’t automatically equal “bigoted warmonger”. I think this is also part of the reason why Big Volt reminds me so much of him, because he’s about to do something kinda similar: help out DirtyBear.

Here’s proof: Big Volt interviews “I just feel like if somebody asks me a question like that, and they know that I know the answer??… If I shut ‘em down, then I’m more of a prick. Even though this is a competition, you know, being a chef is very much about sharing information. Some believe in that, you know? Um, some don’t… my brother might not have done the same, I’m not sure…”

…however, we are…

Besides, DirtyBear still has to actually be the one to cook the lamb, it’s not like Big Volt’s gonna do it for him. In any event, I think what he did for the DeeBee was kinda super-cool, and now I really hope his phone stayed turned on. With that, everybody goes to bed. And finds themselves unable to sleep because Li’l Volt’s snoring like hell through that giant schnozz of his.

The next day at the Wynn Resort they begin their preparations, and Fat Kid immediately notices that the mood in the kitchen is tense and everyone’s quiet and keeping to themselves today…

…that would be a great big “Duh-hoyeeeeee”…

Yeah, maybe playtyme is over and nobody has any time left to giggle over how funny your hair looks or the wacky things you and BlazeHawk used to do or the last time you snuck a girl down into the Love-Fort in Mom’N'Pop’s basement. Especially since Daddy Tom just showed up with Thomas Keller to make sure they all put their adult-Depends to good use…

…duelling Tom-Toms…

Tee-Kay-Oh has some super-helpful advice for them today: “Put your head down and go to work.” Then he tells them to make sure they cook their dishes really well so they taste and look good. Okay, no he didn’t, but after that first really useful tidbit he laid on them I was sure something similar was about to issue forth. Anyhow, after that they skitter out of the kitchen giggling to each other. I really hope Tommy Keller shows up on the next season of Top Chef Masters, after which I’m pretty sure he’ll never giggle at their stress-level again.

Remember how Li’l Volt went to bed to get more beauty sleep? Well, it didn’t work, and it certainly didn’t improve his mood any. Also, it turns out that he reveals his big culiinary competition experience was “ten or eleven years ago”! Still, he claims he “always did well” so he’s confident this time will be no different. He’s also chosen to cook salmon because he thinks it takes more finesse to cook it “perfectly”…

…and hopefully it takes very little to fuck it up righteously…

Feeling far less cocky is Bitter Jen, who’s nervous as hell about cooking for Tee-Kay-Oh, she thinks he’s a total genius and is just dying to show him her cooking skills…

…there’s an easy way to even the playing field, girlfriend: substitute the caviar with a laxative!…

Hey, we’re all equals when we’re doing the Ty-D-Bol Bounceâ„¢! Or the Truffle-Shuffle. Meanwhile, Big Volt has set the bar very high for himself, he’s worried about getting his lamb braised within the 4 hours (since it normally takes about 10 hours to do it the way he normally would). It’s too bad they couldn’t use one of those Nu-Waveâ„¢ infra-red ovens! Aren’t those things able to cook an entire frozen woolly mammoth in about 15 minutes?…

…or maybe this is a job for the Flavor-Wave Turbo Ovenâ„¢ with new-and-improved U-235 nuclear fuel rods?…

DirtyBear’s hovering next to his own high-tech gadget, the dratted thermal-immersion-circulator, and he’s very carefully watching his lamb as it sous-vides away…

…and I really hope it’s not also going to spit out his plane ticket home like it did for Beaker…

Of course Li’l Volt cannot restrain himself from commenting that while DirtyBear has consistently made “good food”, none of it has been amazing or elaborate by his own sterling standards. “The food that Kevin cooks… is the food that I cook on my day off.” to which I would reply…

…cheese sculptured to resemble Mount Rushmore still tastes like cheese…

Just to show you the difference between how these two act, here’s DirtyBear’s comment from a couple of weeks ago regarding Li’l Volt’s insulting his vegetarian dish as being something he could have made in his second year as an apprentice douchebaguette chef:

“I have had the opportunity to talk to Michael about his comment and we have resolved any hard feelings as adults. I think that the stress of the show, and the overwhelming emotions that accompany winning and losing sometimes make people say or do things that they regret later. I feel confident that Michael and I share a mutual respect for each other and often agree to disagree on the proper way to approach cooking.”

Oddly, there is no reaction to this latest diss, but whatever, I’d say Li’l Volt’s more than a tad jealous of only having one QuickFire and three Elimination wins to compare with DirtyBear’s four QuickFire and four Elimination wins. I’m also betting it’s just fucking eating away at him because you know he automatically considers himself a superior chef because of all his fancy-schmancy techniques.

Daddy Tom comes back into the kitchen to interview everybody about what they’re making, and also to give them all funny and disturbing looks when they tell him (which is especially helpful when it’s too late to do anything about it now)…

…I bet he’d be such a megabitch if anybody pulled “puzzled-face” on him at his restaurant on a busy night when Tee-Kay-Oh was coming to judge his food…

The most disturbing part of that segment is hearing Fat Kid tell him that he’s going to make his lamb loins look “small and sexy and tight”. Ew. Before he goes, Daddy Tom makes sure to ratchet up the pressure another notch by telling them all that the winner of today’s Elimination Challenge will get a bonus of $30,000.00! HA! That’s still more than you can win at the real Bocuse d’Or!…

…aaaand it looks like that was the straw that broke da Bear’s butt-control…

He says that as a new owner of a restaurant people automatically assume that you’re just rolling in money (I know I did) but he insists the exact opposite is true. Maybe that’s why he’s growing his beard, cuz he can’t afford the razors? I dunno, but now everybody’s even more freaked out than they were before. And they have access to knives. Awww, that makes me even more determined to help out DirtyBear…

…guess who I’m voting on for Fan Favorite?…

Besides, he needs to be able to afford new undies after this episode. Especially since he’s the first one up to present and plate before the judges, which include not only Daddy Tom, Scar and Gail (who, for once, is not wearing a ridiculously flouncy blouse!) but also Jerome Bocuse (son of Paul Bocuse, whom the competition is named after), Alex Stratta (whose restaurant they’re cooking in), Traci Des Jardins (who just looks bitchy), Daniel Boulud (a.k.a. DeeBee, see Episode 4), Gavin Kindergarten (see Page One), Timothy Hollingsworth (who went to Bocuse d’Or after Gavie-Poo’s epic FAIL) and of course Thomas “Tee-Kay-Oh” Keller…

…I know! That’s only ten! I guess they musta had a coupla no-shows…

Just so you can see how ridiculously meticulous these presentations are, here’s what his platter looks like…

…seems like a waste of Windex…

And here’s his dish…

…at least the beets look kissable…

Or are those Octomom’s old lips? Blech. Anyhow, DirtyBear’s also serving some peppered lamb jus with his dish. Hopefully he doesn’t drench this crowd with it like Bitter Jen did with Natalie Portman and her bitchy vegetarian friends a couple of weeks ago. At least he’s fairly smooth in his presentation and is able to get in and out without too much hassle.

Right away Daddy Tom likes his Swiss chard garnish, and DeeBee likes the lightness of his asparagus-and-sunchoke. However, Tee-Kay-Oh comes down hard on him for the dish being “a little elementary” for the amount of time he had. Owie.

Next up is Li’l Volt’s platter…

…made all the more appetizing thanks to his tat-sleeve, I’m sure…

…and he calls the entire thing “Mediterranean-inspired”…

…looks like his salmon loins got so nervous they peed tomato-champagne ganache everywhere…

After Li’l Volt leaves (and he admitted finally that cooking for this group actually did make him nervous) Bitchy Traci says that while the plate was pretty, the flavors were “disparate” and that his “Mediterranean thing kinda threw him under the bus”. Huhwha? I don’t get what she means by that (not that I’m not loving it anyhow) but luckily Daddy Tom explains it by asking “Where do you get cauliflower and caviar in Mediterranean flavors?”. Alex Stratta seals Li’l Volt’s doom when he says he got a bone in his fish, which he says “at the real Bocuse d’Or would blow you right out of the water!” while DeeBee says Michael had “a tottull lack ovv harrmunee een heez compuzeeshonn.” FAIL.

…sorry, but I just can’t help myself from adding the happy dance here…

Back in the kitchen, Big Volt’s starting to panic, he’s running out of time and needs help with his garlic chips. Luckily, since Bitter Jen has the extra time today, she’s able to help him out and he gets finished in the nick of time. However, as his platter is being carried out to the table, he says he’s already noticing mistakes on it, which is frustrating the hell out of him…

…I’d have been more worried about the fact that his lamb looks rather mossy…

My bad, that’s a parsley crust…

…sorry, still looks mossy…

Tee-Kay-Oh is impressed with his method for making the garlic chips, and Jermajesty Bocuse likes how it was plated… but damb if Big Volt didn’t undercook his lamb! Bitchy Traci bemoans the fact that if everything had been executed well it would have all “made sense” but it’s clear he ran out of time. Fuuuuuuck.

It’s kinda hard to see Fat Kid’s platter…

…but it appears he also went the fuzzy lamb route…

He begins to carve tableside while explaining his dish to them, but it seems like he’s having trouble concentrating on doing both at the same time…

…this time it’s a pistachio crust…

Oh, and the white stuff covering his Ras El Hanout (a middle-eastern spice blend) and carrot pureé in the little ramekin is “yogurt foam”. I see the spirit of Sexist Pigshit lives on. PLUS, the big green snot-blob dollop on the lamb is arugula-and-tarragon coulis. Jermajesty’s face is priceless…

…Mmmmmmm…

Even before he leaves, the judges are exchanging glances! Daddy Tom nails him right away for sloppy butchering skills, and Jermajesty says it’s clearly undercooked because he can feel the raw fat marbling in the meat, which is apparently a very unpleasant sensation… you know, aside from the whole “undercooked meat can kill you” concern. Thomas Keller says it’s a shame because it was such a beautiful piece of lamb, but none of them could enjoy it. Scar thinks Fat Kid’s yogurt foam had more flavor than Li’l Volt’s tzatziki, but DeeBee says all the good ideas in the dish failed because of his lack of technique.

Fat Kid runs back into the kitchen to complain to Bitter Jen about how “tense” the atmosphere is out in the dining room, noting how they asked him a bunch of questions that he didn’t want to answer (most pointedly when DeeBee asked him “Were you satisfied with how your lamb turned out?” and “Is that baaaa-ing I hear?”). Jen just ignores him and sends out her platter…

…I wonder why none of them spelled out “WE ♥ BOCUSE” with their food?…

She believes her salmon is only 98% where she wanted it to be…

…and 2% in the Land of Weirdness…

After Jen leaves, Bitchy Traci pipes up to say everything tastes good and the flavors are “nice” but that the dish isn’t “well thought out” and her piece of salmon is almost undercooked. Daddy Tom says his is fine and DeeBee says his is perfect as well. However, Daddy agrees with Bitchy, he feels the dish is all over the place, too, even though most of it tastes good. Tee-Kay-Oh says the best part for him was the custard/flan she made with her shrimp. At this point DeeBee pipes up that his flan was undercooked, and he looks pissed about it. Gavie-Poo says he believes vision of Jen’s dish is “at a dead-end” and laments that if Big Volt had only had another half-hour to cook his food would have been stellar.

Suddenly a random woman out of nowhere says that Jen’s was one of the more interesting and impressive platters!…

…who are you, Mystery Lady?…

I dunno, but Scar sure agrees with her, saying it was the most intriguing visually. Now that they’ve finished everything, DeeBee makes a sincere ass-kiss toast to Paul Bocuse (while Jerome smiles haughtily) and Gail says it’s incredible how the chefs only found out 12 short hours ago that they’d be competing in this fashion, and how proud she is of them all…

…while I’m personally proud of Gail for finally wearing a blouse that fits, shows a little sexyboobage and reins in her upper arms…

They bring the chefs back out and the judges applaud. Then Thomas Keller drops yet another fucking bomb, telling them that today’s winner will not only win the $30,000.00, but will also have a shot at representing the U.S. at the 2011 Bocuse d’Or in Lyon, France! Jeez, is this season insane with the prizes or what? Next they’ll find out that they get to have a job cooking for Jesus. Or Oprah. Eh, same thing.

Back in the kitchen as they’re cleaning up, Big Volt turns to Li’l Volt, laughs nervously and says “Hey, this could be it… might be the last time we cook together. For now.” Li’l Volt’s just sullenly wiping down the counter and then pissily says “Why, do you think I’m going?” Ugh. Asshole. Big Volt just laughs again and says “No, I’m talking about me!” Which was obvious to everyone except for his jerkwad brother, who unsurprisingly seems to always think it’s all about him.

Back at the “M” Resort Stew Room, Scar comes in smiling devilishly and asks to see all of them at Judges’ Table…

…Ruh-Roh. …

Yes, I agree that an “Oh, fuck”-face is appropriate for Fat Kid to be wearing. Once they’re gathered, Scar reminds them that only four will go on to the Finals in Napa Valley, and someone is going home to their own private version of Hell (a.k.a. The Dildo Beach Club).

Starting with Li’l Volt, Daddy Tom demands to know what is “Mediterranean” about salmon & caviar. He insists that everything he made he thought went well with the salmon (which doesn’t answer the question) and that as the dish came together it seemed to him to be “pretty Mediterranean” (so basically his answer is, “Because I said so.”). Daddy Tom’s response is that while he made a “cous-cous” out of cauliflower, the flavor isn’t cous-cous, it’s cauliflower, and therefore not Mediterranean…

…so basically his answer is “STFU.”…

Gail takes the opportunity to let him know about Alex Stratta finding a bone in his piece, which pretty much tells Li’l Volt he ain’t winning this one for sure, and they move on to Big Volt, who unfortunately has to hear from Jermajesty that his lamb was undercooked and that with more time it would have been “a deefairain deesh”.

As for DirtyBear, Jermajesty calls him out on his dish being “vayrey seempull” and wonders if he could have used more technique. Da Bear’s not backing down, though, and says he feels if he’d used more technical skills he might not have been able to achieve the same flavor results. Gail flat-out asks if he played it safe, but he still disagrees, saying he thinks it’s just as risky to use “less obvious techniques”. Daddy Tom maintains that most of the chefs at the table felt for four hours the dish was still maybe too simple. DirtyBear just shuts up and nods.

For Bitter Jen, Daddy Tom thinks her fillets cooked too quickly, and Jermajesty mentions the uneven butchering of the pieces, and believes that’s why some of them were undercooked while others were perfectly done. They move on to Fat Kid last, and Gail tells him all about the big hunks of congealed fat that were marbled throughout his lamb-sausage…

…while Jermajesty makes the internationally recognized face that means “I almost puked in my napkin.”…

Back in the Stew Room, Fat Kid looks like he’s about to start bawling…

…perhaps he heard it when Scar said his was the worst lamb they had all day…

They repeat everyone’s failing (Dirtybear’s was too simple, Bitter Jen’s was inconsistent, Big Volt’s was undercooked, Li’l Volt’s was underseasoned and had bones in it) and then go to commercial…

…*GASP!*…

Oooh, sorry ’bout that, it still just startles me so! Reassembled at Judges’ Table, Jermajesty announces that today’s winner of $30,000 smackeroos and the 2011 Bocuse d’Or slot (as well as a place in the Finals) is none other than…. DIRTYBEAR!!!! He also gets a Bocuse d’Or chef’s coat to train with, as well as a bunch of reading material on the competition. As for the cash, he says the 30K is almost what he makes in a year! Holy fuck, owning a restaurant sure pays for shit these days!

Because he’s a gentlebear, he doesn’t gloat in front of the others, choosing to have his happy moment in private while the others await news of their fates…

…you go big boy!…

And leaving tonight, just missing out on the Final Four in Napa Valley… is Fat Kid. He insists he’s okay with being eliminated right before the Finals because he feels the chefs remaining deserve to be there, which I’m sure would have been a very different tune if 80′s Hooker had somehow managed to wangle her way this far. Still, it’s clear he’s pretty upset about having to leave…

…awwww, I hear sad Sonic Hedgehog music…

Coming up on this next week’s show, DirtyBear let his hair grow out, Scar got bangs and fucking Michael Chiarello is back to annoy us all! Plus someone oversalts their food! Eeeeeeee!

So there we are! What did you think of this episode? Do you even remember this episode? (I know it aired long ago) Is this the most obvious Final Four ever? Did any of you wish Li’l Volt would have gone home instead of Fat Kid? Are you guys still mad at me for my lateness? Again, I am so super sorry, hopefully all will be well from here on out (I’d hate to be sick on Christmas) and we’ll get through the finals and the reunion just fine. Thanks to everybody for their fun comments and opinions, and extra special thanks to Flipit for not firing me after he was so nice to share his plate of deep-fried mac’n'cheese balls with me. We made quite the pair standing out on Santa Monica Boulevard comparing the strategic rips in our jeans!

love, J-Mo