Top Chef: Yippee Ki Yi Yay, Git Along Little Cheffies

Welcome back boys and girls (and anyone undecided)! This may come as a complete shock to some of you, but I actually grew up and became a very experienced outdoor camper in the wilds of Minnesorta… as a member of the Boy Scouts Of America. Yeah, I actually learned orienteering by the stars, how to safely poo in the woods (and even more importantly, how to safely clean up afterwards) and I definitely know how to start a fire by rubbing sticks together. Unfortunately, I belonged to one of those horribly uncool geek-troops where my fellow scouts and I were actually tying the damned knots and practicing first aid and making s’mores (instead of the troops that many of my gay friends now tell me they belonged to where they were using those skills to play S&M games with each other involving ropes, Ace bandage restraints and melted chocolate used as body-paint). *sigh* I so missed out…

…”OK, who wants to play Strip Uno?”…

Well, on tonight’s episode of Top Chef we’re going to get to see just how well some of these morons people cope with cooking over an open pit in 100+ degree weather (just axe the BF every time we barbecue how much fun that is). Also, you’re going to hate the outcome of the Quickfire Challenge, a cheftestant tries to murder the judges and Daddy Tom spits out someone’s food! And unlike the Boy Scouts Of America, TVGasm.com won’t spit me out for being gay, so let’s get ready to prance like Priscilla (Queen Of The Desert) after the jump!…

Last week the girls’ losing streak was finally broken when our first male cheftestant got sent home for hacking a piece of meat into bloody shredded bits…

…something I believe he’d liked to have done to the Judges as well…

*shudder* Sorry, but that face only makes me kinda glad Papi Cholo went home. In any case, it’s the first Chololess morning at the McMansion, and the Circle of Douche (Fat Kid, Big Volt, Li’l Volt and, of course, Sexist Pigshit) is having a powwow in the backyard and complaining about the unfair booting of an almighty male cheftestant. Li’l Volt interviews that he thought Papi Cholo was a much stronger competitor than, say, 80′s Hooker, and he thinks it sucks that she’s still there when she “hasn’t really shown us too much.” He goes on to say that he thinks the best chefs there are Sexist Pigshit (that remains to be seen), Big Volt and himself (natch!). I find it interesting that he did not include DirtyBear in that group. He goes on to brag about his having received a Michelin Star when he was only 26 (yet insists he’s not bragging about it) and says he’s full of passion about what he does “and nobody can ever take that away from me!”…

…like they did with his sunblock apparently…

Meanwhile, DirtyBear is in the bedroom applying concealer and surreptitiously telling Li’l Volt what he can do with his Michelin Star…

…ooh, obscene finger gestures from such a pristine bear!…

Sattine, on the other hand, isn’t kvetching about whether or not it was wrong that a male went home, he’s just embarrassed that he did so poorly cooking French food for French chefs when he is French himself. He doesn’t mention anything about the fact that he’s also a huge liar that tried to screw MaryMann last week in the most distasteful way possible.. He does make sure to tell us that he grew up on a farm in the Basque Country region of France with no TV and no toys, and that cooking is all that mattered to him. Oh wow, no toys? Things must have been really tough in the Basque country in the 1980′s if he didn’t even have a Rubik’s cube! Or he’s, you know, full of shit…

…”Zee onlee seeng I havv to play wees groweeng opp eez mai peenis.”…

Because we’ve had three full minutes without any whining, it’s time to see what’s messing with the World of MaryMann. Well, it turns out her twin brother’s wife (or girlfriend) had a baby and she’s calling them on the SideKick of Deathâ„¢. This used to be a really reliable indicator of who was getting sent home next, but I think the producers figured out that we’re on to them, so I doubt MaryMann’s going anywhere now. Dammit.

In any event, the kid popped out fine, BrotherMann’s holding it and describing how it looks (blotchy and kinda misshapen would be my first guess) and telling her how proud he is of her for being in the competition, and naturally because there are cameras there MaryMann starts to lose it and get all weepy, making extravagant eye-wiping gestures. Normally this would be a really touching moment, but I find that all I can think about…

…is how in the hell can she be just out of the shower and yet her hair still looks that greasy?…

It’s an oily little mystery. Plus, I’m sorry, but Daddy Tom said in his blog that they film an episode every two days, so at this point I’m wondering how homesick could she really be after barely more than a week? Girlfriend is making rough’n'tough lesbians everywhere look bad. Suck it up, sister, you’re living in luxury and meeting superstars of the culinary stratosphere, it’s not like you’re stuck in the Big Brother house all summer with that bitch Ratalie and her giant nostrils!

On with the show! Over at the “M” Resort And Casino (where their slogan is “Who Cares If You’ve Changed Time Zones By The Time You Finally Get Here? You’ll Be Drunk!”) they arrive in the Top Chef Kitchen only to find Scar standing there with this week’s Top Chef Masters alumni from Episode One, Tim Love (a.k.a. Cowboy Love)…

…who has the teeniest mouth ever…

Cowboy Love owns the Lonesome Dove Western Bistro in Ft. Worth, Texas and has a very distinctive cooking style that I like to call…

…Hammered On Cuervoâ„¢…

Scar drops the bomb that as a “reward” to all of us loyal foodie fans, we were allowed (for the first. time. ever. in. six. seasons.) to choose the exotic ingredient for today’s Quickfire Challenge. I was hoping that with Cowboy Love being here that ingredient would have been tequila, but no, these were supposedly our choices…

…why couldn’t we have had D.) All of the above (or SnaCactaRoo)?…

Ah well, Scar says that 57% of the votes chose… cactus…

…Yeeee-HAWWWW!…

Cowboy Love decides to become Cowboy Obvious when he tells them that most people don’t mess around with cactus much because “they hurt” and admonishes the cheftestants to “be careful”. Ha ha ha. If you’ve ever fallen into a mature saguaro then you’re probably not laughing along with them. Anyhow, the challenge is to cook a dish with cactus in 45 minutes. Oh, and this is also a “high-stakes” Quickfire, so there’s another $15,000.00 chip up for grabs. On the other hand, nobody (not even the winner) will get immunity. Good! That means no coasting in the Elimination Challenge (for once).

Time starts and immediately Li’l Volt is complaining about having to use an ingredient that he’s only “touched once”. I think he’s just pissed because he probably doesn’t know how to make a “confit of cactus”. Strangely enough, Sexist Pigshit seems to be pretty knowledgable about working with cactus, and tells us that they tend to be very similar to aloe plants in that they’re very gooey and slimy…

…no wonder he knows so much about them…

…he smugly asserts that blanching or grilling won’t take that sliminess away (as many of the others appear to be doing). Instead, he’s going to salt-cure his prickly pear cactus to draw the moisture out of it and serve it raw. Yay for dry cactus crap! Honestly, I was born here in Arizona, and have spent the majority of my life here, and not once have I ever tasted cactus. There’s just too much tequila to be drunk out here to bother with spiny pokey shit like that.

Sattine is freaking out, he has never even touched cactus before (Li’l Volt has a leg up on him there) and it’s turning out to be super-duper-slimy and full of needles. He decides that if Scar and Cowboy Love get drunk then they won’t notice the leftover spines he missed skewering their tongues and cheeks, so he’s dousing his dish in tequila…

…and then ruining it by torching the alcoholic content…

Sticky Wickett has grilled her prickly pear, and unfortunately now it looks completely limp and sad. She’s not at all sure how to work with cactus and thinks she’s just going to use it as a component of her dish instead of a main ingredient. She’s also come to the realization that instead of worrying so much about how experienced and talented everybody else in the competition is, she’s going to just concentrate on doing the best she can to put out really good food. Hey, girl, it took you five episodes, but good for you figuring that one out. It sure beats the Biker Chick mantra of repeating “I-don’t-suck-I-don’t-suck-I-don’t-suck-I-don’t-suck” and then getting all depressed and totally sucking.

Speaking of Experts At Sucking (But Not In That Way) our Gay Ashlee has decided he’s going to make a Mexican dish called a sope, which is kind of a traditional Mexican street food consisting of a thickish tortilla with a bunch of stuff thrown on top. “To be honest, I’ve got a little bit of Hector in my head right now!” I can totally relate to how he’s feeling, post-beejay pubes caught in the throat are never any fun, you can hack and gargle for hours and they stay right where they are. In any case, Ashlee’s running into problems with his idea because there isn’t a “tortilla press” in the Top Chef Kitchen. Apparently this is a niche market item that El G.E. Monogramatico has ignored, which is forcing him to have to hand-press his weird pinkish discs of maize. He admits to Sticky Wickett that he has no idea what he’s doing…

…”Really? I thought everyone made tortillas out of red Play-Doh.”…

Note the lack of surprise on Sticky’s face. Also note the lack of surprise on my face when Island Mon Ron turns up clueless as well, “In Haiti cactus is so poisonous we stay de heck away from dem!” I’m surprised he’s not found a way to work fish into thi– oh wait, yes he has. He’s making swordfish and a crab salad, and putting the cactus in a sauce…

…Oh good, I was afraid he wasn’t going to be able to pound this square desert peg into his usual round seafood hole…

He’s hopeful that he can “pull an upset” with this dish. I’m thinking that he almost certainly will. Of the stomach variety.

Tonight the first one that Scar and Cowboy Love mosey on over to is Sticky Wickett…

…and her sneezy-sounding glaze…

Cowboy Love takes a big bite and murmurs “The achiote’s great.” Too bad that’s not the featured ingredient that was, you know, chosen by America!

Next in line is good ol’ DirtyBear…

…Voulez-vous cactus avec moi ce soir?…

I am getting a little tired of his snot-paintings on the plate. The next time he has a brown sauce and does that it’s going to look like an undie-skidmark. Nevertheless, Cowboy Love proclaims it “A little slimy, but good.” DirtyBear isn’t too happy to hear that, but he just shrugs and tells us cactus always seems slimy and annoying. Or maybe he’s talking about Sexist-Pigshit.

Time to see what amazing and magical dish Li’l Volt has laid out for us…

…and instead of “confit”, today’s StuffyCheffy Wordâ„¢ is “coulis”…

You see, “coulis” was necessary because Sunburnt Dickface here couldn’t possibly have just called it a “pureé”. The best part is that after they taste it, Scar actually shrugs and Cowboy Love just says “Thanks.” before they move on to MaryMann, clearly taking their $15,000.00 with them, bwahahahahaha!

Mary’s been very busy getting her Dunkin’ Donuts on, saying she wanted to “tease out some sweetness” from the cactus…

…and based on her “ejaculation presentation” it appears that she was successful…

As they’re sampling the jizz-covered donuts, Cowboy turns to Scar and says “Got a sweet tooth, huh?” to which she replies “I don’t, but she does.” Which is true, we all know that Scar prefers the taste of aged wrinkled nutsack. Before they leave, Love tells MaryMann “It’s a good donut.” God, he is so wrong. Donuts are fucking grrrreat!

Coming upon Sexist Pigshit’s plate, Scar comments on how pretty it looks, and Pigshit makes sure to mention that he’s worked with cactus before…

…sorry, but that looks like slices of that vile canned cranberry sauce mixed with kiwi fruit…

It’s kinda interesting how Pigshit feels the need to explain what a Mexican pipián sauce is… to a renowned Southwestern chef such as Cowboy Love (who features pipián sauces on his own menu). Even more interesting is when Cowboy murmurs that he’s not liking said sauce on the side too much, but he thinks the rest of the plate is nice…

…for something put together by a know-it-all asshole…

Time for Island Mon Ron to present his latest fish flamboyance…

…a.k.a. “My Haitian Vacation” or “Boats’n'Bloodbuckets”…

Frowning down at the dish, Scar asks “Where is the cactus?” and Island Mon reminds her “In de sauce.” Out of the blue Cowboy Love asks him “Did you have fun?” to which Ron replies “Yes, I have lot of fun.” and grins in a completely vacant manner while the Goofy Piano Of Cluelessnessâ„¢ plinks away.

Let’s see what the slightly more mature Volt Brother put together…

…looks like Al Qaeda got ahold of his plate first…

Seriously? I know sometimes the foppishly foolish feng shui presentations are annoying, but this looks like some fat hungry bastard (such as myself) already plowed through it and then ran off to play Karen Carpenter Sings Love Songs To The Toilet. Grinning wickedly, Cowboy asks Big Volt if he’s worked with cactus before, and to his credit, Big Bryan admits he has not.

Right about now I’m sure Gay Ashlee is picturing Cowboy Love in a pair of leather chaps (and not much else) as he approaches and asks about his dish…

…which strongly resembles a pair of Tyson Chik’n patties with a side order of barfed-up kitty hairballs and a Pepto-smear…

Ashlee stupidly points out his “rather thick tortillas” and after taking a bite Cowboy Love just glances at him and without a word he and Scar walk away. This isn’t lost on our Ash-man, who admits “He just kinda looked at me, kinda pissed off that I made him eat this food.” and then giggles. God, what happened to having good gay chefs on this show??!?

Oh well, Bitter Jen is up next…

…What? No “suh-veetch“?…

They have zero reaction to her dish as well. Maybe Sattine’s dish will get some kind of comment?…

…if they can find it on that ridiculously gigantic plate…

Oh yes his dish is getting love, because Sattine smartly used Cowboy’s not-so-secret favorite ingredient that rhymes with “suckeeluh”. Once again, we didn’t get to see two of the cheftestants’ Quickfire dishes, so here they are…

…funny how this is the third time this season they’ve completely ignored Fat Kid’s Quickfire dish…

Now that we’ve covered everybody, it’s time to see who Cowboy Love had some Cowboy Hatred for… Número Uno: Gay Ashlee – “I got no cactus flavor out of it. The tortilla was really thick, it was really dry in my mouth!” Eh, so what? Sounds like a good excuse for a shot of tequila, right? Número Dos: Li’l Volt (who is completely poleaxed!) – “Your dish, unfortunately I felt like there were two trains coming together. It just didn’t work for me.”…

…”I see your lips moving, but I am not hearing unadulterated praise and lavish compliments, therefore I am no longer listening. La la la la lalalalala laaaa.”…

Oooh, that had to hurt! And I love it! It’s like a fucking mini-orgasm to me whenever this prick gets taken down a notch or two, unnnhhhh! Okay, Número Tres: Island Mon Ron – “Not only was your fish way overcooked, but the crab tasted rancid in my mouth!” Owie! Even 80′s Hooker is cringing upon hearing this critique, but Island Mon just hangs his head in shame. Wow, 0 for 2 on the seafood Ron?!? You’re slipping, my big black daddybear and if you’re not careful you might wind up having to go to work for the Dildo Beach Club.

So who’s in the top this time? Well, somewhat shockingly, one of them is Sticky Wickett, whom he says had really nice flavors in her dish. Secondly is– aww fuck me, it’s Sexist Pigshit, and Cowboy Love says something to the effect that he was the only one who really classically prepared the cactus and thinks it was a well-prepared dish. Which is weird, because he really didn’t seem to like it all that much when he tasted it. It doesn’t help my mood when Pigshit makes this douchebag gesture at Cowboy…

…the fuck is that supposed to say? “Hang loose”? Or “Call me”? Or is he trying to say “I have a double-Y chromosome”?…

Ugh, whatever, I’m getting a very bad feeling about this. Last one up for praise is our Sattine, who is so cute when he hears his name called…

…that he forgets and completely flames out all over the place…

Anyhow, Cowboy Love says “I’m a man from Texas. I love tequila. But I think you’re one of the only two people that showcased the cactus itself. Very well prepared.” Awww, how sweet! I think Sattine has an erection now. So who is the winner?…

…”Aww, HAYELL to the NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”…

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Fuck me with a cactus. Fuckin’ SEXIST PIGSHIT won the fucking Quickfire and a fucking chip worth $15K!! I am soooo pissed right now, and all I can think is…

…and nobody better trot out that tired “electoral college” or “hanging chads” bullshit again…

Of course, Sexist’s happy as pig in shit, and believes this win is going to let everybody know that he’s going to be “one of the dominant figures in the competition”. If by “dominant” he means “latching on to a Volt Brother” then maybe he’s right.

Speaking of Volt Brothers, Li’l Volt does an extremely poor job of masking his irritation and petulance over having wound up in the bottom on this Quickfire, claiming Sexist Pigshit deserved to win because he “worked with the product correctly”, but then Li’l Volt continues “I’d rather be able to put together interesting flavors than to be able to take the slime out of cactus, I don’t care so much about that.” Whatever, Volty, you flat-out lost this one, shut your yap and get over yourself. And go find some Coppertone unless you really are interested in looking like a basketball by the end of the season.

Instead, let’s listen to Scar tell us about the Elimination Challenge, which is going to require them to make a “high-end lunch” on an outdoor ranch for Cowboy Love and two dozen cowboys. They can make any dish they like “as long as it’s high-end”. I guess that means serving them grilled cheese or tacos or a handful of M&Ms would be a no-no. She goes on to tell them that the setting is very “rustic” and that for them to fully immerse themselves in the conditions they’ll be cooking in, Cowboy Love has set up their accommodations for the night on the ranch itself. Oh, that sounds like fun. I bet Fat Kid and Sexist Pigshit are gonna be super-disappointed when they find out it’s not the Mustang Ranch. Even more fun, starting at 10:00am the following day they’ll only have 75 minutes to prep and cook their lunch…

…I know, right?…

I’m sure Bitter Jen isn’t the only one who’s making stinkface and not liking the sounds of this challenge already, but there’s not time for that, it’s off to Whole Paycheck Market to blow $150.00 in 30 minutes! MaryMann (for a change) is actually being calm and collected as she surmises they won’t really have a kitchen to cook in, probably just some open fire-pits and maybe some boiling water. She’s going to shoot for a seared halibut with bacon, an avocado mousse, tomato and lettuce, kind of a high-end club sandwich without the bread. That actually sounds good (for a change)!

Meanwhile Sticky Wickett’s also feeling pretty good about this challenge and tells us that as a caterer she is often heading into venues without kitchens, so she’s “learned to be kind of a ‘MacGyver’ when it comes to cooking.” I guess that must mean she can take a wad of 73% crapmeat, some onions and a little A1 sauce and turn it into filet mignon. Come to think of it, Jesus was also sort of a ‘MacGyver’ when it came to food, wasn’t He?…

…Jesus throws a dinner party (with an extremely limited menu) for all of His permanently surprised and eyelidless friends…

Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Whole Paycheck Market. Fat Kid’s here saying that he was originally going to make a tuna sandwich with some potato chips, but then he realized they probably won’t have a Fry-O-Lator out at the ranch, so he’s going to go with “a different accompaniment”. I’m even more shocked that he doesn’t realize a tuna-fish sandwich isn’t very “high-end”. Maybe I should start calling him “Fat Hack” instead.

Hey, here’s Li’l Volt and he’s telling us he knows he’s one of the best chefs in the entire competition (and possibly the Universe) and so he’s shocked, simply shocked I tell you, that he could have possibly ever wound up in the bottom of the Quickfire Challenge. God, that was so five minutes ago, get over it already! In any case, he’s astutely figured out that it’s going to be “pretty hot” in the middle of the desert in the sunshine, so he’s planning on making a cool and refreshing dish out of black cod. Pardon me, but when I’m stuck in the desert in the hot sunshine and I think “cool and refreshing” fish is not at all what comes to mind. Unless Jesus is involved, then I’m alllll about the Holy Sushi.

Now that they’ve bought their food, everyone piles into their Toyotas and heads on out into the middle of the desert (past all those holes made by Joe Pesci and Robert DeNiro) where they come upon the following sight…

…the set of Bareback Mountain 2: Back In The Saddle?…

Sexist Pigshit is not happy about this, “I don’t wanna sleep in no tepee.” while Fat Kid wants to know if Padma’s going to be sleeping in a tent out there, too. Yes, she’s already naked, lubed and just waiting excitedly for your chubby ass to sweat all over her Fat Kid. Get a grip. It’s gonna be you and your trusty old right hand for the 5,209th night in a row.

They’ve arrived at a place called the Sandy Valley Ranch which Li’l Volt describes as looking like “a scene from a horror movie”. Huhwha? Well, maybe to an über-heterosexual like him, anything even remotely resembling Brokeback Mountain probably reminds him of a horror film. He’s also not impressed with the fire pits, the chuckwagon and the vintage blue enamelware (which he snobbishly calls “really crappy plates” because they’re not gleaming and white and resembling avant-garde roofing tiles or vaginas). He whines that these are “not conditions that I would ever wanna work in, and they’re not conditions that I think are good for the food.”…

…”Maybe if I stomp around here frowning and pout hard enough, a thermal immersion circulator will appear!”…

On the other hand, DirtyBear and 80′s Hooker are loving the old-timey feel of everything and really getting into the swing of roughing it and cooking over open fire. 80′s Hooker says she grew up in Idaho and describes herself as an “outdoor girl” who has spent a month at a time in the woods. Well, sure, those remote logging camp fellas prolly get tired of their right hands, too, so I’m sure she’s a welcome diversion. She goes on to say that when she’s in a kitchen she loves being clean, but she also loves getting dirty and “being out in nature”. HA! Toldja!

Oh look! They have an outhouse for their pooing pleasure. MaryMann says this makes her feel right at home and tells us she literally grew up out in the woods because her single-parent family was so poor and they were on food stamps and ate popcorn and ramen for dinner and she only had one pair of TuffSkins and she didn’t know what a TV was (either television or transvestite) until she moved to the big city and do we all feel sorry enough for her yet?…

…as she summons everyone to the latest MaryMann Slouch’N'Mope Seminar…

Okay, true story, my mom owns a place in a rural Northern Arizona wide-spot-in-the-road off of Highway 260 known as Forest Lakes, and the first structure that was built there by her and my father in the 60′s was a one-room cabin with electricity but no indoor plumbing. They also built an outhouse, with the crescent moon cut into the door and everything. I loved being at the cabin, but using that thing was hell on earth. Because I am terrified of black widow spiders, and those little fuckers are rampant in the Southwest, I would grab a can of Raid, shove my hand through the door, fog the entire structure, take a deep breath, hold it, jump inside, sit down, and try like hell to get my business accomplished as quickly as possible before asphyxiating. Or being bitten on the ass by a spider. Or falling in. Or a combination of all three.

Fat Kid, naturally, wants to spend the night in the Toyota, and is loudly complaining, “I don’t camp. I don’t believe in camping. I think it’s asinine. I think that we got electricity for a reason. This is my idea of a living hell!” I guess he’s scared of spiders in the outhouse, too. However, he makes my jaw drop when he tells DirtyBear that the worst part about all of this is that it will convince his girlfriend that he wants to go camping with her! I know, I can’t believe it either! Fat Kid has a girlfriend?!? I’ll bet she has an air-valve…

…and a face that looks like this…

Bitter Jen is swearing under her breath and disgustedly spraying bugspray all over the ground that surrounds her tent, while Island Mon Ron is breaking branches off a nearby dead tree and placing them in front of the tent that he and Gay Ashlee are going to be sharing for the night, claiming (according to Ashlee) that this is “a voodoo thing that will keep the snakes away.”…

…Jeez, Ron, there’s no need to get this elaborate! If you don’t want to play slap’n'tickle with Ashlee just say “no”!…

The sun goes down and as they’re all sitting around the campfire, Gay Ashlee’s telling them that he used to be an animal psychologist, before he started cooking and after his acting career. Sexist Pigshit wants to know, “Are there bears out here?” and Ashlee gets a big grin on his face and says “Bears? Bears are sweet!” and I don’t think Pigshit knows what kind of bear Ashlee’s really referring to (i.e. the fat hairy gay kind like myself).

Fat Kid jumps in and guesses there might be wolves or cougars up in the hills. Upon hearing one of his favorite words, Sexist Pigshit gets all excited, “Cougars! Keep food by the tent ‘cuz there’s gonna be cougars tonight!” Unfortunately we all know what kind of cougar he’s really referring to (i.e. the older horny Real Housewives kind like DisCountess LuAnn De Lesseps) and his amateurish joke falls flat as the women around the campfire roll their eyes at each other…

…and desperately wish for a real cougar to come pouncing out of the foothills and eat Mr. MILFseeker-wannabe here…

My love for Sticky Wickett grows a little more as she deadpans “Is this humorous?” and Pigshit immediately backs down sounding embarrassed and saying “Nah, no, it’s not.” After some more awkward silence, everyone decides it would be a good thing to try and get some sleep, so they retire to their tents. Just as they are drifting off, Gay Ashlee makes a play to murder their sleep by asking “Has anyone seen the Blair Witch Project?”…

…what Pigshit saw the last time he had sex…

I’ll bet that girl disappeared, too. Of her own volition. Anyhow, the next day everyone’s up and sitting around waiting for 10:00am to roll around so they can start cooking. Fat Kid says it’s “14 million degrees” out there already and thinks their biggest challenge is going to be to “stay hydrated and conscious”. Ever get the feeling that Fat Kid spends the majority of his life indoors? With a game controller in one hand and his penis in the other? Okay, I just creeped myself out.

As their time starts ticking, tempers are already short. Somebody (sounds like Fat Kid) barks “Thanks for getting me those potatoes dick!” and somebody else (sounds like Sexist Pigshit) yells back “You pushed me out of the way!” MaryMann has just figured out that vintage blue enamelware gets extremely hot when it’s been sitting in the sun. She’s also worried about using the fire pits because it’s very difficult to keep a consistent temperature, so she’s going to cover hers with cast-iron pans to try and even things out some. I have to call bullshit here. Daddy Tom already said in his blog that those pits were not actual open woodfire pits but propane-fuelled so they were (in his words) “no big deal to cook on”. I’m guessing MaryMann must have known this, too.

Sattine’s decided to take the non-cooking (and easy) way out by making ceviche three ways, to be served with a margarita. It seems to me like he did this because he was just plain scared of the fire pits, propane or not. You know who else is doing ceviche? Island Mon Ron! He garbles that he’s been in the bottom so much that it’s time for him to come out on top (and just FYI, I would totally transcribe his accent, but I honestly have no idea how to decipher or phoneticize MarbleMouth… comprehending the English portion is challenging enough). Anyhow, he’s going to do a coconut-lime ceviche paired with a coconut “island mojito” and as he’s attempting to hack apart his coconuts he starts swearing and asking if anybody has a sword. He’s serious, too! Bitter Jen says she’s a little scared of that, and when Ron finally gets an implement to bash the fucking thing open, coconut juice sprays everywhere…

…I don’t blame her, I don’t like coconut spooge on me, either…

Going completely away from the Southwestern setting, Li’l Volt has decided to make dashi which is a traditional Japanese stock made out of sea kelp and some other multisyllabic Japanese ingredients that I can’t decipher. He’s insisting that he shouldn’t have to change the way he cooks to please the cowboys that he’s cooking for, he’s just gonna make what he makes and they’ll either like it or not. Well, he’s got a point, I’m betting the cowboys don’t normally get to eat a lot of sea kelpy things.

Sticky Wickett’s doing pretty well, she’s spent a lot of time in Colorado and is familiar with outdoor cooking and Southwestern food. She also echoes my own sentiments about Island Mon and Sattine’s chickening out on their dishes, “To me that just doesn’t seem right… like you’re out on the ranch, you’re working really hard, and you wanna go have a plate of ceviche?”…

…go on and git it, girlfriend!…

I dunno why, but I am totally loving me some Sticky Wickett this episode, it’s so nice to see her being confident (and slightly bitchy) instead of that granola-head flower-child thing she’s been doing.

80′s Hooker says she didn’t want to do pork or barbecue, she figured a lot of people were going to go that route, so instead she’s making a grilled romaine salad (???) with “drunken prawns” (!!!). She believes this will be a nice light alternative to a heavy (yet tasty) steak and potatoes meal. I’m thinking she should just give the judges the bottle of booze and hope they get too plastered to ask why she intentionally wilted her salad.

Hey, Big Volt is making the expected roasted pork loin, set over a corn polenta and some braised dandelions. I hope he blew all the fuzzy things off first (and made a wish!). He actually cuts it super-close with his plating, finishing off in the last few seconds remaining. Time’s up and here come the judges…

…representing the Flag of Senegal…

Cowboy Love is wearing one of the gayest cowboy shirts I have ever seen (and I wind up performing with my drag queen friend a lot at our local gay country bar, so I know from really gay cowboy shirts). Also, here come the cowboys themselves…

…well, hello there Big Red Daddy!…

MaryMann calls the ranchers a motley crew, “They’ve probably been ranchers their entire lives, and they’ve been growing their beards since they were fourteen!” Funny how she seems to be kinda judging them based on nothing but their appearance, but I bet if you called her “Sir” she’d get really pissed off. Meanwhile, I think Gay Ashlee’s walking around with a half-a-hardon from all the butch manly-men that have arrived at his station. He thinks he could be a rancher, “I mean, I like walkin’ around and lookin’ at cows and lassoing things…”…

…”…and workin’ that glory knothole on the back of the outhouse.”…

Here’s some advice, Ashlee: more lips, less teeth. Anyhow, the Judges have arrived to get their first dishes from Sexist Pigshit, Fat Kid and Sticky Wickett…

I thought it was kind of weird that Pigshit pronounced the word “gyro” as “jai-row” instead of the more traditional Greek-sounding “year-oh”. I also can’t believe that Fat Kid actually went ahead with his stupid tuna-fish sammich idea and that radishes were his big replacement for potato chips. The best dish out of the three looks like Sticky’s.

Scar immediately calls out Sexist Pigshit for always doing Greek food, “I don’t think this is a stretch for him at all.” Cowboy Love thinks it tastes good but it’s not exciting, and cracks Daddy Tom up when he says “I don’t wanna call my grandmother after I ate or anything and go ‘Wow, you wouldn’t believe the sandwich I had!’”…

…or maybe he’s giggling at Scar’s “sammich face”…

One of the Random Cowboysâ„¢ says it was good but not as interesting as the other dishes. HA! I’m betting this means that at the very least we won’t be saddled with a Sexist Pigshit Elimination win! Moving on, Gail says that Sticky’s arctic char is “flavorful” and Daddy Tom really likes the corn salsa she made. Cowboy says he likes the way she used the grill and how that flavor (of propane?) worked it’s way into the potato. Still, it seems like she really took to the challenge and used the grill as it was meant to be used instead of plopping a sammich down on their plates.

Speaking of which, Fat Kid’s is up now. Gail says she thinks tuna is “sort of a strange choice for the ranch.” Scar thinks it could use a lot more flavor, especially the radish salad. Cowboy Love grumbles that “It just brings nothin’ to the plate!” Random Asian Cowboyâ„¢ says Sticky Wickett’s fish dish was pretty good, but that Fat Kid’s bread was too hard to allow him to actually eat it as a sandwich…

…”そして私は堅いパンを憎む!”…

Next they move on to Gay Ashlee, Sattine, and 80′s Hooker…

They begin with Sattine’s ceviche, Cowboy Love tastes the cod and proclaims it “a little fishy”. Then Daddy Tom takes a bite. You can clearly see him attempting to choke it down, but it’s no good and he winds up walking away from the table to chuck whatever’s in his mouth to the desert denizens (who probably won’t touch it, either)…

…or maybe Gail’s gaping maw was what did him in?…

Tom proclaims it “still very raw” and “gross”. Hilariously they cut to Sattine saying how great he thinks the dish is, he’s sure the judges are going to love it and that they will see how much work he put into it, finishing off with “Everyseeng I poot onda plate come ouut liyeek I wannit!”

They move on to 80′s Hooker’s shrimp’n'sausage. After a few moments of chewing and fugfaces the four of them look at each other and proclaim it to be absolutely terrible! Cowboy Love’s gagging and says “It tastes like I just sucked on a piece of chlorine!” Daddy Tom mused in his blog that perhaps the shrimp actually turned overnight, which could have been disastrous. 80′s Hooker herself isn’t deluded like Sattine, because she tasted the shrimp after she served them to the judges and knows they’re no good. Maybe next time it would be a good idea to reverse the order of those two events, right sister?

…this makes the second almost-full plate of food that the judges are setting aside…

They start in on Gay Ashlee’s chicken dish. Daddy says at least the dish is more sensible and Cowboy thinks the succotash is great, but Daddy also says there’s too much bacon and Gail says you can taste the bacon grease. A Cowboy Lady echoes that the succotash was good but the chicken was just meh. FAIL.

Maybe they’ll get some good food out of Big Volt, Bitter Jen and MaryMann…

Cowboy Love says Big Volt’s dish is “very appropriate”, and Daddy Tom thinks it’s very nicely cooked. Gail’s clearly buttery-hot between the thighs as she exclaims “I would feel confident camping with that man!” I’m surprised she didn’t start trying to catch Big Volt’s eye while winking and deep-throating the rutabaga. As for Bitter Jen, they love her slaw and think her snapper is perfectly cooked. Cowboy Love rains on the parade a little when he says nothing about it jumps out at him, but it all tastes good. Random Cowboy #3 says in a super-gravelly voice that it tastes really good…

…”…fer vittles made by a girrul!”…

As for MaryMann’s dish, Cowboy actually likes her avocado mousse, and Gail pipes up that it’s the best thing MaryMann’s done so far. Scar looks at Tom and wonders “Well, maybe she’s the dark horse.” Cut to other random cowboys all saying how amazed they are at how much it tastes like a club sandwich (without the hard icky bread that Fat Kid gave everybody).

In the last group, Li’l Volt has handed out a bowl of his dashi broth with black cod to a young woman, he’s instructing her to break the fish up and eat it with the watermelon and the broth all together, and she flirtatiously asks “Do you have an Asian background?” and he prickishly replies “I have an everything cooking background…”

…”…but I specialize in cocky asshat style of cuisine.”…

In any event, the last three dishes belong to Island Mon Ron, DirtyBear and Li’l Volt…

Cowboy Love says that of all the ceviches they’ve had, Island Mon’s is “probably one of the better ones.” Daddy Tom thinks it’s a little sweet but agrees. However, when they try his “Island Mojito” everyone nearly chokes. Cowboy calls it terrible and Scar’s mouth is set in a distasteful moue as she says it’s “disgusting”. Meanwhile, blissfully unaware, Ron’s doing some kind of weird “Tap That Ass” Victory Dance…

…smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh noooooooo!…

Gail’s loving everything about Li’l Volt’s dish, and Daddy thinks it is refreshing. Cowboy Love says it wasn’t at all what he was expecting. Of course, Li’l Volt has to interview that he knows he’s not going to lose today because his food just tastes so awesome. Ugh, let’s move on to DirtyBear. Scar coos with delight at how pretty his dish looks, and Gail thinks his duck is perfectly cooked. Another Random Grizzled Cowboy says he likes the tequila in the watermelon, too. Given his love for fermented agave, I’m kinda surprised that Cowboy Love didn’t mention this, too.

They’re all done for the day and as they pack up and leave Sexist Pigshit yells out “I call first shower!” and Gay Ashlee calls right back “Hey, there’s two shower heads, I’ll be in there with ya!” and everybody giggles. Just so you know, for me? I’d rather stay dirty for life than shower with Sexist Pigshit.

Speaking of which, they’re waiting in the Stew Room and Pigshit mentions that someone’s seafood went bad overnight, and MaryMann confirms that something smelled bad when they opened the cooler up. 80′s Hooker doesn’t say anything, and I’m kinda puzzled that if other people could smell that something was wrong, she had to have known that as well when she got ahold of her shrimp… did she think she could just cook them and they’d be okay?

Scar enters and calls for Sticky Wickett, MaryMann, Li’l Volt and Big Volt. As they leave all smiley-faced it’s like sticky aloe-vera for my Quickfire-seared soul to see Sexist Pigshit’s face…

…”How did those two weak-ass bitches beat out my awesome gyro sammich??!?”…

Over at Judges Table, Daddy Tom tells MaryMann it’s tough to cook fish well under the conditions they were in, but gives her big ups for making the best dish she’s done so far. Gail tells Big Volt his dish tasted like a “restaurant quality” dish that just happened to be perfect for being served outside. Cowboy Love tells Sticky Wickett he loved how she used the grill and that the simplicity of her dish was what made it shine. As for Li’l Volt, Daddy can only say his dish was cooked well and it’s flavors were good, plus he enjoyed the unexpectedness of being served something like that in such a rustic setting. And Cowboy Love gets to inform us that tonight’s winner is… Big Volt again! This is his third Elimination Challenge win!…

…Li’l Volt does realize that the cameras are there to catch his reactions, doesn’t he?…

Ah well, who cares about the World’s Biggest Baby (And Sorest Loser), because Scar sends them away and asks them to send back 80′s Hooker, Island Mon Ron and Sattine. Once assembled, Scar begins the assfucking immediately by telling them they all had the “most disappointing dishes of the day”. When given the chance to speak, 80′s Hooker launches into an extremely elaborate explanation of her dish, and what’s priceless about this is that Cowboy Love is making this face while she’s talking…

…”Bitch is out of her mahnd!”…

Eventually he stops her and says she’s seems to be explaining a completely different dish than the one she served, and that her claiming that she served them sausage and shrimp as a way of “playing off steak” is flat-out ridiculous. Gail just quietly says the shrimp were so bad they were worried about even eating them. Daddy Tom correctly surmises that she’s not surprised to be there, or that this dish could get her sent home. To give a bitch credit, 80′s Hooker doesn’t make excuses, she just shuts up and nods.

Sattine, on the other hand, is totally surprised to be in the bottom, which causes the entire Judging Panel to make “Oh, no you DI-ent!”-face. Daddy Tom wants to know if Sattine even tasted his ceviches and points out there were whole chunks of completely raw cod because it was so poorly put together. Cowboy Love delivers an even heavier blow when he says that eating the dish has literally made him unwell, “I’m flippin’ sick, man!”…

…”Pairhops hee meens zees “seeck” een zee heep-hopp sainse ovv zee word?”…

As for Island Mon Ron, Cowboy Love mentions he actually thought his ceviche was okay, he just didn’t understand the sauce on the side at all. Daddy Tom says both were a little too sweet, but more importantly “That drink, I gotta tell you, was one of the worst things I-…” Island Mon Ron cuts him off by shouting “I don’t drink! I juss didn’t want de coconut to go to waste!” Great, Ron. I’m sure the coconut community appreciates what you were trying to do, but maybe this is a good example of why Vegans shouldn’t try to be butchers, and whatever-the-hell-you-call-sober-people shouldn’t try to become mixologists. Anyhow, Gail finally finishes what Tom was trying to say and lets him know the drink flat out sucked, “It was bitter and acidic…” Oooh, which reminds me, fuckin’ Toby Young is back next week.

After taking Island Mon out of the running because at least his dish was edible (even if the drink was vomit-inducing) it comes down to 80′s Hooker and her inability to make a decent dish out of the myriad components she had to work with, and Sattine for his cluelessness and trying to make three half-ass things instead of one good dish…

…if you’ve ever doubted Bravo’s viewership is all chicks and gay guys…

And leaving tonight is our little French Sattine. At least he takes a moment out to go up to each of the judges and say thanks and shake their hand (unlike Papi Cholo last week who just glared and stalked off in a murderous rage) and he acknowledges he fucked up “Maybee a cevishay waz no zee baist forr cowboiz.” Ahhh, au revoir, petit homosexuel doux se cachant dans la garde-robe!

What did you think of this episode? Will 80′s Hooker and Island Man last another two weeks? Is Gay Ashlee just coasting in the middle and not really trying to win? Should someone nut-punch Li’l Volt before all of this is over? Thanks to everybody who’s been taking the time to chime in, I live to hear your thoughts on this stuff! Next week is the Penn & Teller episode! Until then, don’t wipe your ass with poison sumac, your anus might swell shut!

love, J-Mo