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About eight years ago, I moved to Long Beach and took a cush job as a pet sitter. I was basically paid to go to people’s homes while they were at work and hang out with their pets. Well, if you haven’t noticed by now, I’m an extremely lazy person. If I don’t have a boss or manager nit picking me every five minutes, I will never ever work. Not working is my favorite hobby. I made fast friends with a fellow employee named Donald, who was even more of a lazy stoner than me. The day Beloved came out, I was first in line to buy tickets (I know, I know, but Oprah had me brainwashed). Only trouble was, I had a doggie gig. If I called in “sick” one more time I was gonna get the boot, so I begged Donald to fill in for me. He did it for a single bud, and I couldn’t believe my luck. PS. Beloved sucked ass.
That night I got a call. It was my boss. “Flipit, were you at the Alvarez house today?” Yes! “How long?” All day! I just got home! “Will you please take Mr. Alvarez back his stuff?” Turns out Donald robbed the place blind. I was questioned by the police, fired and completely humiliated. To this day, I blame Oprah and that horrendous movie she made.
This week, Top Design taught us to act nice (even if you aren’t), flowers shouldn’t have fur, and if you’re going to steal credit for something, make sure it doesn’t suck first. Again, we open with Carisa this week. She may have a dorky personality, but she has a personality nonetheless, which puts her way ahead of the other designers in at least one way. She’s excited to have made it half way through the competition. She’s always surprised when she overcomes the obstacles every single time! It grosses me out and cracks me up how Carisa works the camera like a kid in a classic Ovaltine Commercial. This photo montage was less than 2 seconds in length.
Today’s challenge will be to decorate a party Elle DÃ©cor Magazine’s throwing for Bacardi Limon. Well, at least it isn’t for a bunch of stinkin’ kids AGAIN. This party is for drunks. Count me in. Hold on. I’m gonna walk to the store for wine and Milky Ways. Dammit it’s cold out there. The party will be held on the sprawling plaza of the PDC. The Sock Puppet tells us that this is where Elton John throws his annual Oscar bash, and I wonder how long that takes to clean up. Sorry, but you know that floor’s covered in sticky glitter the next morning. What’s an Elton John Oscar party without drag queens and glory holes?
Unfortunately for us and the contestants, the Designers will be working in teams of three. Enough of the goddamn team challenges already! When Carisa and the Wiggum kid pull corresponding paint chips I cry foul. Of course they’re on the same team! RIGGED! Just as Gay Dad tells us how he’s sick of working with a bunch of crazies, we cut to him sandwiched between Carisa and the Wiggum kid. I am tempted to turn off my tv right now to avoid the brain trauma I’ll have from hitting myself in the head with a frying pan as these yokels squabble instead of work. I only ask one thing of Ralphie and Carisa. PLEASE make Gay Dad cry. If anyone can do it, you two can. I believe in you!
Andrea, Goil and Erik are the other team, and they’re all psyched they don’t have to work with Carisa or the Wiggum kid. Their smiles are huge and relieved, but last week’s teaser showed Goil crying and yelling at someone saying “From the very beginning I’ve wanted to work with you the most and it’s a MESS!!” so when he tells us that from the very beginning he’s wanted to work with Andrea, I cringe and grin like a cat that swallowed a goldfish. Andrea’s gonna make Goil cry! I find myself reading too much into every little move they make from now on, waiting for my gift like a little kid sleeping in front of the fireplace on Christmas Eve. Goil looks up to Andrea, seeing her as a better model of him. “If I’m R2-D2, she’s R2-D345! She’s many, many models ahead of me.” Aw. Goil is always acting like the most innocent, humble cutie pie on the planet so I can’t wait for him to throw things at Andrea and call her a stupid ho. Please, Lord. I’ll go a whole week without saying the f word!
The puppet explains that Bacardi Limon is an upscale brand that describes themselves as being “sensorial”, so they expect to see the five senses used in the dÃ©cor. I happen to have a bottle of plain Bacardi, so I ditch the wine and pour a mug of rum for myself. I’m missing the Limon part but I have confidence that in about ten minutes I won’t even notice. Ooohh, my bed is so soft and pretty. It smells like boy and if you breathe deep enough, you can taste all the cigarettes that have been smoked on it. My dog is asleep and the sound of her snoring is shaking the headboard. Five senses, check. Rum, check. Disdain for contestants, check. Let’s get this show on the road!
Andrea’s team is going for an ultra swank, futuristic supermodel party in Iceland. If that doesn’t frighten you enough, Goil pitches a Dorothy Draper chandelier made from Bacardi bottles. The party guests will be “top LA socialites”, so I hope the chandelier’s huge and there’s and earthquake in WeHo when those hoity toity skanks are standing under it.
Can’t really tell yet what Gay Dad’s team is doing, because the Wiggum kid won’t stop saying “chic” and arguing with everything out of Carisa’s mouth. He’s wrong on pretty much every point, but that doesn’t stop him. Bars by the entrance? Ridiculous! Really? Because the first thing I’m looking for in a party of drunk socialites is a tall glass of Rum. Seating? That’s insane, no one sits at parties! Uh, socialites do a LOT of sitting. Yellow? For a limon party? He doesn’t want the place to look like Disneyland! Come on, dude. All the plastic faces about to fill this room are a hop, skip and a Haunted Mansion away from Anaheim. He is clearly just antagonizing Carisa and openly gags when she speaks. The only thing I’m impressed with here is that he even has a gag reflex. It’s no shocker that Ralphie is a tacky, talentless little freak, but every time he giggles snidely or rolls his bug eyes I start yelling at the television like it’s the first time. Sorry, Olevia, but he makes me CRAZY.
On the other side of the workroom, poor Goil’s experience is soured from the get go as Andrea and Erik ignore everything he says. He’s the most talented Designer on this show, but he’s gonna need to grow a pair to survive. Andrea has stupidly decided to align herself with Erik instead of Goil, already forgetting about the last time he raped and murdered a room. His pirate theme from the kid challenge still gives me nightmares, but he was the winner of that episode, so what do I know?
On the way to the party rental warehouse, the Wiggum kid jokes that he is going to get a chocolate fountain for the Barmitzva he never had. This would be funny if we hadn’t already seen him paint everything grape ten times and purposefully purchase my Meemaw’s Home Sweet Home Pillow. At this stage in the game, it would probably be beneficial to him to pull off a Barmitzva theme. Unless it was for a kid who loved grape. Carisa and Erik hit the fabric store, but since under California law they can only use flame resistant fabric for an outdoor event, the choices are limited. Still, Carissa finds a way to run around the store in her usual maniacal way. If she ran around this much in real life, the Wiggum kid wouldn’t be able to lob any stretch pants jokes her way. Over at Wolfgang Puck, Gay Dad and Goil drool over the hors d’oeuvres. Goil is entranced by the tiny burgers and caviar pizza and asks for a to go bag. Gauche? Yes, but I would have killed to sit with him on the car ride home. Those Milky Ways did nothing to satisfy my hunger.
Back at the workroom, Carisa explains her “square doughnut” platforms with benches inside to the carpenters and everyone nods their heads in agreement. Then Wiggum chimes in and argues that that’s not really the Bacardi aesthetic. What is? Long rods with fabric staple gunned to the backs. Brilliant. The carpenters are a bit confused as to who to listen to and Carisa finally snaps out “Jesus Christ!” Michael condescendingly explains to her that they should all be allowed to have an opinion without being talked over and put down! AAARRRGGGHHHH I want him DEAD. Gay Dad just sits back silently and giggles, but he is definitely on Wiggum’s side, which makes me want to kick him in the ass so hard that the butt plug vase explodes in his stomach lining.
When the Puppet comes around to check up on their progress, he points out to Carisa and Gay Dad that their platform tables filled with lemons and Bacardi bottles look a little “casket-y”. Gay Dad says that’s what he thought. Really? Cuz this is the first time you’ve opened your mouth the whole day, you kiss ass. He tells the cameras that today everyone really needs to shine individually and he’s gonna bring it on. Since he hasn’t come up with one idea yet, I’m interested to see how Gay Dad’s gonna pull this individual showcase thing off. Carisa, completely ignoring the puppet (will these people never learn?) paints the table coffin black and ditches the yellow altogether without conferring with her team. Gay Dad finally stands up for himself and makes her change it back to yellow. When he gives her this look, I become seriously afraid for his daughter.
Erik is obviously missing Ryan. That makes one of us. He’s taken Goil’s bottle chandelier idea and turned it into a cat climb that sits on the floor. If he paints it hot pink I’m calling crush. Originally these were supposed to hang, but seeing as how they have 8 tiers and they’re made of plywood, Erik thinks the tent might not be strong enough to support them (quick thinking, Einstein) and decides to put them on the ground even though Goil strongly protests. Darn, another chance at a socialite disaster avoided. Unless they walk by and cut their arms or legs on the sharp edges of the huge structures. Yay, it’s fun again! Even the carpenters are ignoring Goil. When he tells the dyke that ruined Carisa’s desk in the college student challenge that he wants thinner edges, she claps in his face like she’s talking to a blind kid and tells him to take it up with Andrea. I fell bad for the guy. He had one idea for this challenge and his teammates have hijacked it and most likely ruined it. Andrea and Erik decide privately to keep Goil busy and away from the chandeliers. Bitches! The two wrongs have officially crapped on the right, and I hope they both get canned. I’m especially disappointed in you, Andrea! This is my sixth episode writing about you and I have only mentioned female hair loss once! I’ll never make that mistake again, you bald whore! Goil knows that he is screwed if they get called out in the White Room, but he doesn’t ever stand up for himself. Instead he picks up a paint brush, does what he’s told, and whines to the cameras. This might turn out to be a good strategy, but right now I’m a little worried.
Gay Dad’s team has decided to heighten their coffin theme with the threat of STDs by calling a gogo dancer named Danger. Carisa listens to the Wiggum kid instruct Danger to bring something gold before he queens out on her and tells her to go to the other room and let him talk on the phone in private. She says she was only there because Gay Dad wanted her to make sure he wasn’t making the dancer dress like a gold, gaudy ho. Too late. When he hangs up, he confronts Carisa and says he doesn’t appreciate her hemming and hawing while he’s trying to be professional. This guy does nothing but cluck out bs while everyone else tries to talk so it’s funny to see the tables turned. Carisa has been steadily pissing me off more and more with each episode, but working with this piece of crap has made me root for her again, which says something about how much of a shithead the Wiggum kid is being. Every time he gets nasty, she should just say “Home Sweet Home” over and over again.
When the Designers arrive at their empty, cavernous tents the next morning with only four and a half hours to get their work done, I feel worried for them even though they mostly fill me with bile. This is going to be some tough work. Goil has come in with a positive attitude today and says his goal is to be a team player, “whatever that means”. Well, it means different things to different people. Matt walks around in circles telling everyone what time it is instead of picking up a paintbrush and the Wiggum kid cuts flowers and stares at his arrangements like he’s never seen anything so beautiful. Andrea is complaining about Goil, saying that he’s working on individual projects instead of helping her and Erik like a teammate. I am surprised that she even remembered he was on her team. She said more, but the sun was making a glare on her scalp that temporarily blinded me, so I couldn’t concentrate. Goil is trying to lift huge wood pieces on his own and almost gets crushed like five times. When he screams like a little girl I laugh so hard that I have to press pause and swallow hard before my bed is covered in wine, Bacardi and Milky Way chunks. There are moments that this show fills me with pure bliss.
Today’s Guest Judge is Ben Bourgeois, the event planner who did Elton John’s Oscar party. If I worked on that set I would totally sit by him at lunch and ask him about slippery floors and dark back rooms. The minute they cut to this guy, I like him. He looks like a costume my niece wore for Halloween a couple of years ago, and I adore my little Audry. I mean Aubry. Shoot. Sorry.
Jonathan welcomes the Designers to the White Room. “Hey there, party people!” Oh, Jonathan, you’re so silly! Since the contestants are sweaty and stinky from a long day’s work, they won’t be attending the party. Instead, they will watch the Judges slam a few back from studio monitors. Jonathan pumps his hands in the air and says “Partaaaaay!” Girrrrrrrrrllll.
I thought Goil, Andrea and Erik’s tent was pretty decent, for a supermodel party in Iceland. It was a little white for my taste, but it’s not their fault I like dark holes in the wall. Dark dingy haunts usually have fattier food and cheaper dinner, where bright white tends to mean expensive salad. But hey, we need our roughage, and just looking at this room makes me want to poop, so good job guys. You tingled my senses. For Smell, they placed halved lemons all over the place and for Touch they changed the surface of the flooring from carpet to shiny wood for dancing. For Sight, they built tall towers and filled the shelves with lemons and Bacardi bottles. Wow. Cool bar shelves. Wait. They aren’t bar shelves, there’re bare bulbs hanging behind the bottles. Remember the chandeliers? They have turned into New York City. Look! It’s the Chrysler building!. Thank God the large model buildings weren’t hanging. They would have either brought down the tent or poked someone’s eye out if the wind started to blow. Of course, then Kelly might have an excuse for her outfit today.
The Wiggum kid licks his lips and scrunches his nose while he pushes up is glasses and disses the other team. He says their ideas were ambitious and his tent was executed better. Well spoken, Ralphie. I hate to agree with him, but he’s right. Carisa, Gay Dad and the Wiggum kid won this thing hands down. The extras from The L Word looked right at home.
Hard to tell in the editing which design the party guests liked best. Both tents got compliments, but Goil, Andrea and Eric’s tent, to be referred to as GAE from now on to save me from typing three names, was the only one that was openly dissed. One snippy little queen gripes with his busted ass hag at Wiggum’s “shower curtains” (yikes) in front of the Bacardi City Towers and says flat out “It’s not a good design.” Uh, why are there PA’s and Bravo secretaries at this party? Where are the socialites? Not a single one. We have lesbians in power suits, poorly dressed “real people” and a few gay men who seem to think that just because they’re on the lawn of the PDC, Elton John could show up at any minute.
Andrea, watching from the studio, tries to talk herself into a positive mood. She says that the other team’s tent was unoriginal and she really tried to go further into the future. I’m not getting Jetsons age with GAE. I do see a lot of Bacardi bottles which is like looking at my own future, so I totally vibe with what she’s saying. Gay Dad is pretty confident in his own tent, but if they do lose, he is sure that either Carisa or the Wiggum kid will go. Here’s to hoping, Gay Dad. Here’s to hoping. (shot) Woooohoooooooo! Who’s your gay daddy Gay Dad? Raaaaar. Where’s that vase?
Back in the White Room, the Judges gush over Carisa, Gay Dad and the Wiggum kid’s work. They especially loved the bouncer. Carisa says the original plan was to have two gogo dancers but they eventually morphed into Doc Holliday. They figured the lost Elton guests would be equally as intimidated by the muscle as they would have been by the shaking boobies, and his clothes were less tacky. Jonathan didn’t like the “margarine” flat hanging from the ceiling and the Wiggum kid immediately says it wasn’t his idea. Guest Judge Bourgeois rolls his eyes and looks at the other Judges like “Ew.” Welcome to Top Design, sucka.
Jonathan asks them who was responsible for what and the Wiggum kid starts. He says that he drew from his experience living in New York (I love how people use living in New York for a year or two as a credit on their resume. Like just being there makes them smarter than everyone else. This fool was probably laughed out of that city. Holla, NY!) to come up with the different heights of the seating. Ooooh, people in New York sit on couches and on stools? That’s so advanced! When he says how proud he is of his flower arrangements, Carisa rolls her eyes and Jonathan calls her out. “Carisa, you rolled your eyes. What’s that about?” Wiggum flashes a Satanic glare at her and she laughs and shakes her head. “I did?” Yes, you did, girl. You fell right into the trap. In every reality competition, the villain pokes and prods his victims into getting nasty, confrontational and immature at judging time while they stay calm and collected. It’s a hack move, but it works every time.
Thankfully, she realizes her mistake and doesn’t go off. Jonathan won’t take silence for an answer, so she points out that cabbage doesn’t belong in floral arrangements. CABBAGE?!? LOL. Sure enough, they show the arrangements and there it is. Ugh, Wiggum! What the hell is wrong with you? Carisa did enough damage to keep quiet for the time being. Margaret jumped at her cue, saying the arrangements had very little to do with the rest of the design, and Bourgeois questions the use of calililies, which have no smell in a challenge revolving around the five senses. Wiggum goes to bat for his freak salad, saying the green berries added a different texture and he liked the clean architecture of the flowers. If you wanted to smell something, you could have gone to the bar and smelled cut lemons. You can say a lot about this brat, but he knows how to stick to his guns. The Judges let him off the hook and set their sights on Carisa. And here’s where it’s supposed to get ugly.
Carisa says that the idea for the basic structure was hers, and both Wiggum and Gay Dad roll their eyes. Jonathan questions Gay Dad. True or False? He says that she came up with something and they simplified it and made it feasible, which kind of sounds like she did in fact come up with the original plan to me. Wiggum cuts in and says that what they started with and what they ended with were completely different. She wasn’t saying that she did everything…wait yes she was. Gay Dad is clearly in the Wiggum camp on this one, and Ralphie says “You know, sometimes being a little nicer is better!” Carisa, not able to hold back anymore, says “Honey, you’re the spokesperson of nice,” which doesn’t make much sense, but I’m glad she stuck up to bug eyes. Kelly asked if they all high-fived at the end of the day or if only Gay Dad and Wiggum high fived, and Wiggum high fives Gay Dad right then and there. Kelly shakes her finger at them and says “Uh, oh! That was not a group high five!”, but she’s lovin’ it. Carisa says “goddamn that sucked” and they beeped it. That’s it? In last week’s teaser, the editing made it look like Carisa said “Honey you’re the spokesperson of nice, bleepbleepbleepbleep” and then Kelly waved her finger and said “uh oh!” Tricky editors! You had the seven of us watching this show all excited for a good old fashioned hag fag bashing, and you didn’t deliver! BASTARDS!
The Judges start off on a positive note with GAE. Both Margaret and Jonathan give them props for thinking out of the box and doing something avante gard, but Goil is in a bullet proof vest, ready for war. Andrea names the “chandeliers” as something she’s proud of. Bourgeois says “when you say chandeliers…” and Erik explains that that’s what the towers throughout the room were originally intended to be, but they realized they couldn’t hang them so they mounted them on the floor and added about seventy stories and a roof garden. Goil pipes up, saying he had originally designed chandeliers in homage to Dorothy Draper, but his idea was “morphed”, ie kidnapped and beaten past the point of recognition. Jonathan squeezes him for more, forcing Goil to blame Andrea for changing his design. Why didn’t he stick up for himself? Goil answers that sometimes you just have to put your ego aside and move forward, and Jonathan says “I don’t think so.” LOL. This is design, bitches! He goes on to say that half of his job is “navigating the psychological train” to get his voice heard. Navigating the psychological train? What the hell does that mean? Goil, as confused by the statement as I am, stutters out that he tried to work with his team, but they wouldn’t let him.
Bourgeois and Margaret hated Andrea’s flower arrangements, but Erik stuck up for them, saying the goal was to be different. Jonathan drops Andrea like a cat toy and asks Erik who the dominant voice was in the challenge. He takes credit unequivocally. From concept to execution, it was all him. Lies! Andrea shoots him a disbelieving look. Yes, you silly bitch. You jumped on the wrong fag wagon. Better luck next time.
The Designers are sent to the back room to fight it out while the Judges talk. Andrea apologizes to Goil, saying she didn’t mean to derail his psychological train navigation, but it’s too late. He is crying about not fitting in and says he feels like Jan Brady. She says she’s sorry and she enjoyed the experience. Well, he would have liked to. He wanted to work with her from the very beginning but this was a mess! If he had been this babyish and forceful during work hours, the apartment towers might have been chandeliers. He goes to cuddle on the couch with the Wiggum kid for comfort. EEEEEEEEWWWWWW! Goil! I want to like you!
Carisa, Wiggum and Gay Dad’s room was a cohesive success, and GAE was a mess. Kelly said Erik’s design was haphazard, and Jonathan agreed. He liked that there were a lot of ideas, but there was no editing there. He is conflicted about Andrea. Margaret goes off. She hated the furry flower arrangements. “Flowers shouldn’t be furry!” I’m sensing someone goes Brazilian! Goil was a total wuss, but my guess is he’s safe, if only so we can see what he’ll put on caster wheels later.
Gay Dad wins and Carisa is shocked. Let me make it simple for ya hon. He didn’t act like a shitty little five year old. At least not in front of the Judges. The Wiggum kid was right about one thing. Sometimes it’s better to be nicer, even if it’s just for pretend.
Erik is sent packing. Woops. Took false credit for the wrong design, sucka. He sticks to his story and says that he takes full responsibility for the design and doesn’t regret a thing. I hope when he sees his belt on TV, he changes his mind.
Next week on Top Design, Carisa designs more shit that falls apart under it’s own weight, Goil still can’t lift things, and the Wiggum kid tells the Judges “I refuse to answer that!”
So what do you think, dear Readers? Did Sean Hayes get cancelled before his time? Was Carisa responsible for the win? Did Wiggum and Goil’s cuddling make you sick, or was it all those Milky Ways you shot down with Bacardi?