By Flipit|Monday, March 26, 2007 | 10:00 am | 15 Comments
A couple of summers ago, I was feeling depressed, so a friend suggested I do charity work. Nothing to make you feel better about yourself than helping other people! Well, let me save you the time. Other people suck. I only needed one day of getting bitched out by old incontinents in a state run nursing home to reaffirm that. I ended up spending a couple of months at the dog shelter, where I met my little friend Brodie. Brodie was a tiny terrier that had been abused by his owners and when he was rescued, his torture continued from the other dogs. I just didn’t get it. Why did every one hate the smallest creature? It just seemed unfair. I took him home, vowing to love him and squeeze him and call him George, and all hell broke loose. The second he was safe, he started to lash out. He bit me, peed on everything, and barked at me viciously when I came home from work. The abuse and torture suddenly didn’t seem so unfair. After two weeks, I had had enough. I was still depressed, and now I was physically and emotionally scarred. The morning I was walking him back to the shelter for a lethal injection, he bit my ankle, made a run for it, and got hit by a Prius. He didn’t die, which meant I had to spend two thousand dollars and three days in the doggy hospital. Drugged up and half dead, Brodie stared into my eyes and licked my hand, making me forget all about the little jerk he’d been for the past couple weeks. For the first time since I was a kid, I prayed. I asked God to make Brodie better. But not too much better.
This week, Top Design taught us that empitness in inexusable when you have a lot of money, Taylor Hicks is an asswipe, and last minute grace may not save your ass, but it might just save your soul.
We open with a flashback of Goil’s “I don’t wanna be Jan Brady!” monologue from last week. Hilarious, and more delicious the second time around. LIke murder. (What?) They don’t, mercifully, revisit him cuddling on the couch with the Wiggum Kid. I’m sorry I even brought it up.
Being in the bottom three last week has shaken Goil’s confidence. He sees himself as barely clinging on at this point. Oh, Goil. You’ve got this thing in the bag, kid. Lighten up. He wears a bright pink belt to try to make himself feel better, but the second he walks into the living room, Gay Dad and the Wiggum Kid start in with the jokes. There’s no question that Gay Dad is Marsha and Goil is Jan, but the Wiggum kid refuses to be Cindy. “Shut it, Marsha. I’m really cousin Oliver!” Goil is not amused. But I am.
The girls find a letter from the sock puppet on their kitchen table. Andrea is afraid to open it. What if it’s a TWIST?!? This is Top Design, Andrea. There are no twists. Over in the boy’s loft, Jan picks up the puppet’s letter and says “Matt, it’s time for you to go home!” Who’s Matt? Gay Dad lisps out the puppet’s lunch invite. Congrats on all the hard work! We’ll have a car downstairs to take you to lunch! Jan, confused, asks “What does it mean?” The Wiggum kid rolls his eyes. “That there’s a car. And lunch.” LOL, Nancy Drew.
The GMC’s pick them up and take them to Norman’s on Sunset Blvd. They meet the puppet in the Chef’s Table dining room and he lays out their next challenge. They will be designing an upscale, private room like this for an internationally known Guest Judge Chef. We already know from teasers that the “Mystery Judge” is Daddy Tom from Top Chef, so it’s really funny to watch the Wiggum kid make grandiose guesses about his identity. “A celebrity Chef? It could be Wolfgang Puck, Bobby Flay or Mario Batali…Julia Chid is dead, so we know it’s not her” Ouch, Daddy Tom.
Andrea is currently designing a restaurant, so she’s confident even though the challenge details are all over the place. Daddy Tom likes clean, natural, arts and crafts, and mid-century modern. Ooooook. I’d just use the white table and the butt plug vase from the interview room and be done with it. Goil does the manic laugh thing and insists that he’s just a bowl of noodles kind of guy, so this is foreign to him. Goil plays up the “gee golly I’m just a poor Thai kid with a dream thing” before every challenge. Is anyone buyin’ it? The hot pink pleather belt and sawed off chairs would get his ass kicked in Thai town.
Before they jet back to the PDC to start sketching, the Designers down their white wine lunch. I join them. Cheers! Carisa explains the arts and crafts oeuvre to us. “It’s this movement in the 20th Century where people made things by hand…and like…” She squiggles on the page. “..Franklin Lloyd Wright”. Thanks, Carisa. Consider me educated.
Carisa comes up with a banquet idea (a hand made one!) and Andrea’s gonna use a lot of natural elements like stone, wood, and suede. The Wiggum Kid says he wants to concentrate on the table and the food that’s on it, making his room a back drop for that. In other words, he has no ideas. The Designers are given forty thousand smacks to blow at the PDC, and Andrea and Gay Dad have no problem finding what they need. Goil and Carisa, however, are in trouble. Goil doesn’t get how mid-century modern and arts and crafts are supposed to be blended, and he looks like a lost child in the cavernous mall. What’s a poor kid from Thai Town to do? Carisa finds the perfect chairs, but Gay Dad has already bought them. There are, like, 5,000 showrooms in the PDC, but Carisa hates walking so she points out some patio furniture in the same room and calls it a day, even though she knows Margaret Russell is gonna call her out on being ghetto. Gay Dad peruses around a phallic lamp (call his gay sponsor! ) while The Wiggum kid makes up for his lack of design by accessorizing the shit out of his room with mismatched chairs. I have to tell ya, it looks like he’s goin’ down.
The puppet comes around to check on progress, and so far, so good. Carisa is toning down the Carisa in her room, which worries Todd. “We need more you!” I am sure Todd is the only person in America feeling this sentiment right now. Flooring is becoming an issue around the workroom. Gay Dad has gone with leather (?) for his floor, which is proving to be difficult, and Goil moans, groans, and screeches like a school girl as he struggles to hammer together his wood floor panels. He asks Sarah to help him, but she just shrugs at him. Why they didn’t get rid of this carpenter when they had the chance, I’ll never know. Gay guys always just assume lesbians will know what they are doing when it comes to power tools. Sara assures him that she has done lots of floors and there is nothing to worry about. This is the same spiel she gave Carisa before her ginormous desk crashed under it’s own weight, so I hope Goil has better luck than she did.
The Wiggum Kid is impressing himself with his three Longhorn-orange canvases. He says that orange makes you hungry, and he’s loving his work. I cannot wait to see the end result of this room, because I have a feeling it’s not going to make anyone want to eat. Carisa says that she wants the guests to feel like they are eating in the kitchen when they sit at her Chef’s Table. Because rich people love to have dinner with the help. She’s losing confidence in her carpenter, and Taylor Hicks is trying not to show the strain on his face as she harps on him to work faster. “I know what I’m doing!” Carisa rolls her eyes. She has vowed to never trust a carpenter again after the desk massacre, so he’s got an uphill battle ahead of him.
By the end of the first day, Goil is worried. He is way behind in his work and sees the other competitors getting stronger with each challenge. Gay Dad and the Wiggum Kid are feeling confident enough about their work to gossip about Carisa’s tacky banquet and patio furniture, and back in the girl’s loft, she throws stones right back while dissing them at the breakfast table. Andrea is worried because Carisa is so bold (that’s one way to put it) in her design, making Andrea look that much more bald. I mean boring.
Back at the work warehouse, Goil runs into problem with his stripes. He left the tape on the wall overnight, which made it adhere too strongly while letting the paint seep in, ruining his straight lines. This is just so confusing! They don’t tape off stripes in Thai Town! Waaaaahhhhh! The puppet brings some confidence to little Jan. The stripes are a mess but there’s still time to fix them and everything else is coming along beautifully. Goil’s also making a plant chandelier, which looks insane to me, but isn’t that why we love this little cutie? Next, Todd heads over to the Wiggum Kid’s nightmare and zeroes in on the art work. What is he going for there? Ralphie fires up a long explanation involving the three stages of hunger, but the puppet’s not buying. He says it looks like a crime scene. LOL, puppet!
Carisa brings in her ten thousand dollar table before she puts in the huge wooden beam. She is so proud of her purchase, calling it a big piece of tree with lights. There is a large hole at the head of the table, and I can’t wait to see Daddy Tom spill his soup all over himself. She is worried about the beam, but after listening to her bitch at him all day, Taylor Hicks ignores her. The beam comes crashing down. Carisa looks like she’s gonna cry. Sarah, Carisa’s last disaster carpenter, is there to watch.
This all turns out to be a big ado about nothing, as the beam only fell on the floor. Damn you, editors! I have been waiting to see Carisa have a nervous breakdown all week and you tricked me again! Booooo!!! She goes off to the camera’s in private time anyway. “This isn’t the Carl Show! It’s not Top Carl! It’s Top Design! I’m the Designer! Listen to me!” She’s right, of course, but it’s hard to take her seriously when she’s dressed like Mrs. Roper.
Andrea’s confidence has grown with each passing week, which annoys me. She thinks her biggest competition is Goil, and wants to knock him out. As she talks, we see Goil laying down white gravel on the borders of his room. Hey, the sand pit worked. If it ain’t broke, add rocks. She says Carisa talks a lot, but when it comes down to it, she’ll make another “Carisa room” and won’t show any subtlety and that will be the end of her. Andrea looks down at her notes (seriously. She had notes) before she goes on dissing people and asks the camera man “Is this terrible?” Pretty much, a hole.
Carisa didn’t have the time to finish styling, which of course she blames on Taylor Hicks. Damn you, VFTW, for getting Hicks this far! Goil thinks that his Thai influence will make his plant chandelier work, but Gay Dad doesn’t get it. I’m calling out his Thai envy. Since he won last week, GD has an extra hour to finish, which he uses to make his room worse and worse. It’s no wonder he’s lashing out at little Jan. He says that his wife and daughter will be so mad at him if he doesn’t win after leaving them for so long that they might not let him come home. Is that a little wishful thinking I hear in your voice? Maybe self-sabotage is the reason he decided to go with Chinese red in an orange and brown Thanksgiving room. Ew.
Now on to some very important business. What is Kelley wearing? YIKES. I have to applaud her for being a beautiful woman who doesn’t give a crap that she looks like David Bowie just rolling out of bed. Today she’s in huge puffy sleeves, ringlets, and a short skirt, and she’s coming off like a Jane Austen character who gave up a life in romance novels to be a slutty girl Friday for a 50′s private dick. Love her. Jonathan, on the other hand, is sockless (ew) and in a brand spankin’ new ginormous tie that he won’t stop talking to. Margaret is dressed like a classy broad, but next to these two she’s starting to look like she’s the one with the problem.
Daddy Tom is introduced and the Wiggum Kid looks like he wants to run. Tom C is a big slab of butch, sexy, arm of truth beef. I hear seventies groove music and whips cracking every time he comes on my TV. Carisa is scared, too. She watches Top Chef and knows he doesn’t mess around. I haven’t been on Daddy Tom’s bad side yet so I am not afraid of him, I am in lust with him. He only strengthens the force of my interest by not showing up in flip-flops and a Hawaiian shirt to this set, and I try to ignore the fact that he too is not wearing socks with his dress shoes. When did it become ok to not wear socks with dress shoes? The puppet smiles and waves. He has his fingers crossed for every single one of them! Thanks, puppet! Good to see you! Thanks for everything! Jonathan, not one to begin without a bad pun, says “Hellooooo Designers! Well it sounds like this week’s challenge is delicious!” (sad horns)
Gay Dad is first. His room came out a bit better than it was looking at first, but the colors are still Thanksgiving and for whatever reason, that bothers me. Thank yourself! Daddy Tom looks as confused as me. Top Chef is the manliest of the Bravo competitions, which means he hasn’t had to deal with minds like these. His face says he’s gonna need some time to adjust. Or maybe it’s just the wicker chairs with zebra print cushions. The leather floors look pretty cool, but when Gay Dad brags about the angles on his table, he only calls attention to the fact that he placed a light wood table over a dark wood floor. He went with Thanksgiving in an Asian restaurant. Boooo to lonely Thanksgivings in Chinese restaurants!
Goil’s room looks like a perfect blend of Earth and mid-century modern to me. If the Earth was stripey and mid-century modern equalled white gravel. The mulit-colored stripes on his wall worked out and he used six unique chairs. The rocks around the edges of the floor came out well, and his wood back service wall looked beautiful. The waiters had to step through the rocks, but he explains that he did it on purpose, so you could hear them as they came in. Sneaky waiters. He laid down hardwood floors to make cleanup on all of the future waiter disasters he caused easier, so we’ll just have to wait and see if it’s enough for the Judges to leave him alone. Oooh! Someone’s crushin’ on Daddy Tom!!
Andrea pulled together a classy room, but it might be a bit too ultra modern for Daddy Tom. The highbacked wood pleather chairs looked badass in a Supafly kind of way, and the velvet rug and black wood stayed with that theme. She used suede, tile and wood on her walls, and overall did a hot room. She most likely won’t be sent home today. I’m glad, because I want to see if by the end of the competition she evolves into a full fledged, shrieking asshole.
The Wiggum Kid’s room is ugly as sin. He painted the walls and floor brown, bought a hideous rug, and those chairs… Ouch. Reaching for arts and crafts, he built a window and hung it on the wall, saying he wanted it to feel like you’re looking out onto the restaurant. Uhhh….if the restaurant was a white wall, that would have totally worked. He might have helped Gay Dad, because he used the same awful colors and made them look much, much worse. He also makes Carisa’s patio furniture look like a luxurious choice. If Wiggum isn’t out today, I’m protesting.
Carisa just might have saved his ass. Her paint colors were aqua and green, except for the back wall, which continued the stripe theme with full length horizontal shelves. The table was against the wall to accommodate the badly staple gunned banquet, and there were half assed soji screens to see through to the kitchen. This is the second room in a row to look so empty, which is frustrating when the budget was forty thousand bucks. Margaret goes straight to the chairs and peeks under the slip covers. Love her. Carisa is sure that she’s safe. If she won with her hot pink Garage Challenge Room, she doesn’t think she’ll have any problems this time around. Sorry, bitch, but you’re in for it.
Back in the White Room, the Judges loved Gay Dad’s work. WHAT?!? From the leaves under the plates, the olive branches on the wall, and the leather on the floor, he aced it. Grodie. Daddy Tom starts in on Goil, asking to hear about why he made almost every choice he did. What’s up with the stripey walls and the mismatched everything? He says it’s either brilliant or retarded, and Goil fights retardedly for the brilliant, calling a Chef’s Table unique to each person there. Umkay. Kelly and Margaret agree (call in the flying pigs!) that his chandelier is awesome. I crack up when Kelly says it looks organic. Yeah, babe. It’s made out of plants.
That plant’s sooo organic!
Andrea keeps the good news coming with her Supafly retreat. The Judges call it polished and luxurious, and appreciate that she took each requirement and executed them flawlessly. The Wiggum Kid isn’t so lucky. His mismatched chairs were too much, and Kelly points out his nasty rug and his lack of any storage. Wouldn’t it be annoying to have the waiters have to run out of the room every time someone needs a napkin? Wiggum vehemently disagrees. He’s not sure with what at first, but after a couple of lick lips and bug eyes he says that he doesn’t agree with having napkin storage in his Chef’s Table Dining Room. Good one, tiger.
Jonathan tells Carisa that he fears she’s suffering from “emptiness syndrome” both personally and professionally. A huge long banquet and a tiny table? Daddy Tom agrees, saying it took the focus for the whole room, but he likes her fabric choice. They call out her chairs, but it’s more the fabric choice for her slipcovers that went wrong, not the choice of patio furniture. And where was her flatware? She says that her Carpenter was all bitter from the whole not selling any records thing and made so many mistakes that she didn’t even have time to unpack her dishes. Jonathan tells her that Taylor Hicks didn’t understand a word she was saying the entire two days and she begrudgingly admits that she’s ultimately responsible.
Very little drama in the White Room Today, so Jonathan takes the advice his bright, ginormous tie whispers at him and ups the ante. He asks the Designers who’s room they would feel least comfortable eating in. Yay! Public betrayal! I’ll be right back. I’m going to 7-11.
Homeless crack heads and drunk frat boys stumblin’ around the aisles and that freakin’ clerk looks at me like I’m crazy. Ring up the Hostess Box and mind your business, Candy Shop.
Gay Dad goes first. He wouldn’t love to eat in Goil’s room. Aw! Jan! When asked why, he says he wouldn’t want to eat under something that can drop into his food. Fear of flowers. Shocking. Andrea doesn’t even flinch. Carisa, because of her colors. She says it could be a hip eatery, but not luxurious dining room. Ouch. You had to turn on the sister. This is why women hate each other. Goil also picks Carisa, but he doesn’t say anything else. Carisa’s outfit is just hideous, but please get rid of the Wiggum Kid. PLEASE!
The Wiggum Kid knows he’s down in the polls, so he plays the noble card and refuses to answer. If we hadn’t seen him act like a spoiled, horrible little queen for the past six episodes, that might have come close to working. Kelly tries to talk him into getting nasty. “If something in my office looks like shit, I want someone to tell me.” LOL, Kelly. He hangs on to his holy position, but Carisa doesn’t follow him down that path. Instead, she jumps on the Goil bandwagon. She thinks the flowers are creepy and all…dead and like hanging. Why would you diss something the Judges all agree is fabulous? How stupid are you, girl?
In private time, the Judges all agree that Gay Dad is good. The ginormous tie calls him chic, and Daddy Tom loved the floor. Goil’s room is deemed fun and creative, but Tom says he didn’t pay attention to the challenge. Where were the luxurious fabrics? Where was the money spent? Daddy Tom hates it when you don’t spend all his money. LOVE.
Andrea’s room was luxurious and well thought out, and she gets a clear pass. The Wiggum Kid makes a bunch of drama but he put together a brown, empty room. Margaret says he only knows how to shop, but Kelly reminds her of the rug, which Daddy Tom compares to Casino carpeting.
Daddy Tom picks Andrea’s pimpin’ room. Congratulations! You win twenty five hundred dollars in Jonathan Adler money! Uh, thanks. About that extra hour…
Jonathan says that Carisa is usually fun and bright with her work and he is missing the optimism today. The Judges are also grossed out by her constant barrage of drama and excuses. The banquet was huge and the chairs were depressing. Goil is misguided and nuts, but he’s talented. Wiggum is misguided, nuts, and has bug eyes, so he is sent home. YES!!!!
When Ralphie takes the high road and avoids spouting venom or crazy anywhere, I feel kinda bad. He speaks his last words graciously, thankful that he learned how to paint and use a chop saw. Here, at the very end, we see that glimmer of sweet, childlike innocence that made us fall in love with the little nose picker in the first place, before other kids tortured him and made him build his wall of psychotic insecurity and malice. It’s a little late and his game’s over, but maybe he can take this newfound good will and use it as a foundation to build a life that the Chief can be proud of. Here’s to a long life of grapes and bananas, the Wiggum Kid.
Next week, Goil cries harder and someone is sent to the hospital!!! Those buzz saws finally come in handy!
What do you think, dear Readers? Did Ralphie deserve to go? Is Andrea getting too big for her britches? Is Goil going to make it to the end before having a nervous breakdown?
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit